fading into the abstract,

Michaelan Boyd. It's a pleasure; really. << independent panfandom oc rp blog >>

[thislittlefinch]

I’m not sure I understand, I hardly know you how could anything be a bad time?

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She runs a hand through her hair and sighs.]

I meant that I'm really not going to be good company for anyone.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

littlefinchh started following you

Yeah, uhm, now's a really bad time.

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[It hurts to see her in pain. It hurts that he’s causing this. But he can’t stay here. He can’t stay here and wonder from here on out where she’s going when she leaves or what she’s doing when he’s away. He loves her more than anything, but he can’t live that life. The one he has is risky enough. He’s not willing to take any more risks. He loves her, but if she did that—she must’ve had some doubts. She must not love him.

If he stays much longer, he’s not going to be able to leave. He’s not going to trust himself with that. He gives her another kiss, putting all the feeling he can into it, and then pulls away. He hardens his eyes and stands tall again.]

Goodbye, Michaelan.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[So this is it. She returns the kiss, clinging to him until he pulls away. Swallowing, she looks down. How she's managed to this whole time, she really doesn't know.]

You deserve... so much more.

[That's all she can really say. Anything more and she would end up latched to him, refusing to let go. Unnecessary pain.]

... Goodbye.

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[And there it is.

Those big, brown Bambi eyes that pulled him in. Here they are, brimming with tears, and he can’t help but feel like it’s his fault. He falls deathly still for a moment, unsure of what to do. He doesn’t want to leave, but what else can he do? He doesn’t want to be close to someone he feels he’s already lost.

He shakes his head, the sick feeling making him close his eyes. It takes a few agonizing minutes before he can open them again and look back into Mickey’s, only able to shake his head again. Tiredly, he speaks, still trying to keep himself together.]

I can’t stay with you. I won’t. You have someone. You have someone, so please stop your crying. Please.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[Does she really? She's heard about the others- it never bothered her because she knew she had Skylar. It was fair to her. But she never fully had Loki. That was fine.

But now... she manages to keep back a choked sob. A weak chuckle leaves her instead and she shakes her head; the only person she had is standing before her, about to leave. She's ruined that.

She can't try to keep him here. She can't be that cruel. She did have the tears under control but once she comes to that realization, they fall again. Another mumbled apology- for the tears or for everything... she doesn't really know. It doesn't matter, anyway.]

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[It’s impossible not to feel anything when he’s watching her fall to pieces in front of him, but he was always a stubborn one, and remains still and silent, watching her with the fake emptiness. Standing tall, chin up, he waits as she babbles out things that don’t make much sense to him. He never wanted to make her hurt, but that’s just what she did to him. A tear claws at the corner of his eye, threatening to come out.

He tells himself now is the time to turn around and leave, before things escalate even further, but he finds himself rooted to the spot. He swallows hard, breathing in the sudden silence that seems to have taken over the room, and tries to find some words to say.]

If you wanted to stop, you should have stopped. If you wanted me, you should have stayed with me. Don’t call it a mistake now that you’ve been found out. If you want him—well, I’m sure you have him. You certainly had me. But I won’t be that guy, Michaelan. I’m not going to be the one who lets someone walk all over me.

[He pauses and looks at her, taking in how pathetic and small she looks. He can’t help but reach forward and touch her cheek.]

…No matter how much I love them.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She flinches again when he moves his hand, only to let out something akin to a whimper when it's just a touch. He's the one betrayed and she's falling apart. It's all she knows how to do correctly. She doesn't mean to lean into his touch. She ruined everything and he's leaving and yet she still feels a kind of solace in his touch.

She wants to argue, to tell him that Loki was going to kill him if she didn't stay. She wants to pass the blame for once, but she can't. She wants to tell him that she needs him more than anything. But she tossed him aside. She knew that if he ever got wind of what she was doing, it would destroy him. How can you treat someone that you need so horribly?]

I'm not--

[She stops herself. Maybe she isn't stepping over him in her mind, but everything she perceives is twisted and wrong. This is probably no different. She falls silent, eyes wide and filled to the brim with tears as she silently tries to plead with him to stay.]

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[He shakes his head and would’ve rolled his eyes if he didn’t catch himself. Another few steps away from her and it still feels too close for comfort.

Everything hurts like hell, and the only way he knows how to respond is anger. At the same time, though, there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to hurt her mentally—he wouldn’t dream of physically.

But still, he can’t help what he says. The cold and calculating gang leader takes over and he regards her with false empty eyes.]

You can’t do that to me and the just say that you’re sorry. If you loved me—really loved me—you wouldn’t have felt the need to go and find someone else. And, hell, I love—loved—you. More than anything. And I still do. But look where we are.

I think you need to go find him. Stay with him. Tonight is probably the last you’re going to see of me.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She watches him move away again, and suddenly she's wanting him to launch himself at her. Maybe that would make things better. Maybe it would balance things out-- maybe things are better if she's a punching bag. Her thoughts are a jumbled mess and she feels angry with herself and at Sky for not doing what the others did. She just wants to go back but she can't allow herself to.

Stupid move. She seems to be full of them. She listens, and tries to keep herself from begging him to stay. He deserves so much better than she could ever offer. Maybe this is for the best.

But, contrary to his belief, she loves him too much to be reasonable. When she does speak, her voice is shrill and she's talking much too quickly.]

I love you- itwasamistakethatwenttoofar! I wanted to stop but he threatened to--[No. Not that.]

Please... I know I can't make up for this but please don't-

[Her voice cracks and she has to stop herself. She's shaking, wishing for the right words that will never come. Nothing she can do will fix this.]

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[After what feels like almost an eternity, he forces himself back and stares at her. Tracing her lips with his fingertips, he wonders how many times they’ve kissed this other man. How many lies have come from them. How often she said the sweet and wonderful things to the other one just like she’d done to him.

His hand falls and he feels even sicker, taking a few steps away. He can’t look at her or touch her anymore. He’s disgusted, he’s betrayed, he’s so painfully in love.]

He better have been worth it.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She remains silent. What is she supposed to say to that? The answer is no. Nothing is worth the pain she's causing him. She considers just going back. Telling herself not to do it... but she loves Loki, too.

She's lost and conflicted and selfish and stupid. Her eyes remain on him, ever-wary of a sudden change, of rage. She deserves anything he could do, but still she wants to avoid it.

A whispered apology is all she can offer, and even that results in another mental beratement.]

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[He stares at her in disbelief, rubbing his eyes and starting to pace. Looking away from her, he stares at the ground, eyes wide open and pained. He seems to forget to breathe every now and then and fights back tears.

He has to keep his ‘strong’ demeanor. Nothing can get to him; he won’t let it. Bullshit. He feels like screaming.

He whirls back around and looks at her, and, in an almost desperate act, rushes forward, grabbing her and kissing her. His stomach drops even further and he feels sick, but he can’t stop kissing her.]

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She's frozen, a limp little doll. This isn't right. He's supposed to be screaming, hitting her, telling her that she's a pathetic whore- anything but this.

She almost pushes him away, almost tells him that he deserves so much more. Which is true. He shouldn't be kissing her, he should hate her. He should be telling her to get away from him. She should be explaining to him, begging him to forgive her.

But he's kissing her. He's kissing the selfish little idiot. And, finally, she kisses back. Tears now falling freely, she clings to the man she loves, the man she betrayed.]

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[He stays completely still, unable to look at her for a few minutes. His fist clenches, but it remains at his side. Finally, he looks back up at her and forces the gentle quality out of his voice, sounding as he does when he’s ordering his gang about.]

Tell me one thing, Michaelan, please. Why? Why the hell would—? What was all of that, then?—Telling me you loved me and begging me not to go. Wonderful actress, you are. Fucking wonderful.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She flinches when she sees his fist- just another poor choice. Maybe the third time is the charm? But he doesn't hit her; as poorly timed as it is, she lets out a quiet, almost relieved sigh.]

I do- I do love you.

[charmingandruthless-blog]

You— [His jaw clenches and his head begins to spin, forcing him to stop speaking for a few moments. When he does speak again, his voice is very, very quiet.] —For how long? How long has this been going on?

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[Without realizing it, she steps back. Events of the past had taught her to stay out of arms reach, if at all possible. A wiser part of her tells her that he's different. Then again, she'd thought that before and had been wrong.] ... A- a couple of months..

[charmingandruthless-blog]

… Oh, no. No, no, no.

They were wrong, right? Right?

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She closes her eyes, biting down hard on her lip.]

I--

It was a s-stupid mistake.

[charmingandruthless-blog]

One of my men saw you with… with another man, apparently. They think—it’s ridiculous, really—I’m not accusing you… But they think that you being with him wasn’t… ah, entirely innocent?

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She doesn't respond for a few moments- which is answer enough. She considers asking why one of his men was watching her at all, but she knows this is going to be hard enough without being defensive.] ... Oh.

[charmingandruthless-blog]

I’m sure there’s a very reasonable explanation, because you would never do something like that—of course you wouldn’t. But one of my boys thought that I should ask anyway…

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

... Ask what?

[charmingandruthless-blog]

…Mickey, love, you here?

Can we, ah, talk?

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

Yeah, I'm here.

Uh.. sure. What's up?

[charmingandruthless-blog]

I’ll try not to get myself killed, angel.

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

[She lets out another sigh and kisses him gently.]

Good.

[charmingandruthless-blog]

I’ll always come back…

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

You fucking better. 

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

You can’t leave me again. Please stay. 

[charmingandruthless-blog]

[He shuts his eyes and hugs her tighter.]

… They need me…

[michaelanmayhem-blog]

I.. I know. You won't just abandon them.