i try to stay positive through whatever. i try to live up to peopleās standards whenever i can. i smile whenever itās appropriate too, even though iām only pretending to. i always try to do the ārightā thing.. even though many times it really felt like the wrong thing. i try to show up for people. i attempt to show up, and look good, for the person people believe me to be. this person who, i believe, is sacred and supreme. god, isnāt she celestial? isnāt she lovely? i believe they think iām someone who they wanna be a little something alike. and i think to myself.. āthey donāt want this fight.ā this mind game. this psyche. looking at shit different these days, likeā i might be paying karma itās last dues.. but i feel like i got too much more to do. i can hear death singing her song in my ear, and boy do her blues sound pretty. likeā she really put the time in. she really got me feeling some kind of way. likeā could somewhere else be a better place? i get bored too often here. i wanna jump off from here. wanna feel the breeze and see the beauty as iām falling. then i wanna panic until the parachute rises to catch me. i wanna trust for once. wouldnāt that be the right thing to do? to have faith in something even if there is no landing safely? canāt say i truly even care if iāll land safely. more concerned if iāll land alone. see, thatās my issue. needing to be in control. needing to narrate a love story because i was taught thatās all that will ever matter. love. even when, throughout my life, i canāt say thatās what mattered most.
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