this year brought me a lot of hurt. hurt that I am still trying to heal from.... but it is extremely difficult to do so. i’m reminded that greif comes in many forms and that greif does not have a timeframe.. and sometimes we aren’t just greiving the loss of someone thru death but loss of relationships that we never thought would end. there is no expiration date on greif, and some pain that you are trying to heal from just doesn’t go away. yes, it is sad, but it is okay to let it be sad. im reminded that I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I choose to respond to it.. and because of actions on all parts not every situation will have a happy ending. im choosing to actively walk away from those relationships starting today. I am choosing to forgive myself in hopes of moving on and becoming a better version of me.
somethings to consider as i wrap up the year:
- what’s been hard for you to admit to yourself? sometimes no response from someone is a response. no matter how many times I reach out wanting to mend things - I have to be gentle with myself and not add to the hurt.
- what was the hardest thing you said to someone? that they were not showing up for me when I needed them/ in ways that were meaningful to me. (aka I felt like it was performative rather than genuine bc they were not taking my feelings and point of view into consideration).
- what is different about you from this time last year?
im more vulnerable, honest, and authentic to myself. I feel like I have always made myself fit the mold that people around me created for myself. this year I broke out of that and was authentic to myself and went against the grain. I allowed myself to have new experiences and honest conversations about what I want out of life and relationships.
- who do you want to build a deeper relationship with?
I want to build a deeper relationship with God. this is something that I have been working on this year and will continue into next year. im trying to figure out how I can have a relationship with Him that is authentic and meaningful to me. meaning that I dont have to go to church every sunday to have a strong faith.. but moreso turning to Him when things are going right, not just when I need guidance or clarity in life.
- what internal challenge has taught you the most about yourself?
I talk negatively about myself a lot of times. I tell myself I cannot do something or im not good at it. I get in my own head with these intrusive thoughts. these thoughts led me to self-doubt and made me second guess a lot of these situations that I found myself in this year. instead of trusting myself to know that I wouldnt cross certain boundaries with ones I love- I believed what they said about me and my behavior which led me down a dark dark hole for some time. I learned that I need to talk about myself and my experiences in a more positive light vs. talking myself down.
- what did you find most challenging to work thru this year?
admitting to my fiance about my cheating in the past was absolutely the most challenging thing I had to work thru. I knew we had to talk about it before we got married.. and we chose to handle this privately without letting others into our situation because it was not for our friends/family to put their opinions on something that did not involve them. however on my bday a former friend took it upon themselves to air me our on social media (without knowing that the conversation already took place). that was even more challenging for us because we thought we worked thru that but it ultimately led us to being more open about it. we decided that instead of shying away from it to “save our image” we would speak our truth about what happened in a way that protected each other while having honest conversations about how decided to move forward in our lives together. long story short - it made our relationship a lot closer and helped him to understand me in ways that I was scared to admit early on in our relationship.
now you guys know too much about me but thankfully not many people use this anymore so thanks for coming to my ted talk. <3 also in writing that last part... I guess this year did bring some healing too.
