A Restless Mind

Just a mixture of my thoughts, records, creative writing, and maybe even other forms of self expression. I'm shy, quiet, and reserved but, despite many cynical and misanthropic quips, I do in fact love other humans and enjoy meeting and talking to people. If you're one of those researcher types, you can stalk - I mean follow me elsewhere...

[microbialhomicide]

So, I recently got off my antidepressants. 

I had the WORST fucking withdrawals of my life. I actually got off of these the safe and proper way, tapering the dosage down, but it still fucked my shit up. I was having manic mood swings, insanely dramatic irritability, violent rage moments, having strange bodily sensations, getting headaches, staying awake between 24-48 hours, and having nearly constant brain zaps, which aren’t too bad in general, but when they’re this frequent and accompanied by all this other shit, they’re nearly unbearable. 

Something I didn’t know about Cymbalta when I started taking it 2 years ago is that it has a, comparatively, short half-life of around 12 hours. This is why when I occasionally missed even a day of my medication, I would experience “brains zaps,” which I’d never experienced from previous medications. 

I’ve quit medications cold-turkey twice before (stupid) but I’ve never experienced anything this bad. I never had any physical symptoms that I can remember, however I would get crazy mood swings, typically lots of anger and crying, for like 10 days afterward, then, I’d pretty much be good. Or as good as one who impulsively decided to quit taking their antidepressants when they’re clearly not in a good head-space could be. 

I still prefer Cymbalta to any of the previous meds I’d tried prior. I think because it’s as SNRI and not an SSRI, which I guess is what works for me. The first medication I ever tried was Zoloft, which I took on and off from ages 16/17(?) to 22, later briefly trying Prozac before switching to Lexapro. I also took Bupropion, a DRI, for a bit a few years ag and kinda liked that... Anyway, idk why I’m in giving this in-depth discussion of my medication history like anyone gives a shit lol.

Anyway, I didn’t wanna talk to anyone about it while I was coming off of it cuz talking about meds with people is so annoying. I always get feedback from people who are NOT professionals, and who have NO personal experience with medication, and who know NOTHING about my mental health journey or my progress. It’s annoying enough on a good day, but I knew I’d completely lose it during those crazy episodes I was having.

Honestly, if someone tells you they’re considering getting off their meds, or that they recently got off of them, even if they’re having a difficult time adjusting, just like, congratulate them. It’s a big step feeling well enough, and comfortable enough to make that decision. And, as long as it’s done in the right circumstances, it’s something to be celebrated. 

So anyway, yay, good for me. We’ll see how it goes. I’m still kind of coming out of the withdrawals, but doing WAY better mood-wise, well enough to finally talk about this at least. And I’ll just take it day by day, and if I feel like I need to get back on it, then I will, and it’ll fine. It won’t be setback or a failure or anything like that. So yeah... I guess that’s it.

[microbialhomicide]

I had a dream where I confronted someone who pops into my dreams sometimes and asked them why they’re so elusive and why they always avoid me/won’t talk or listen to me in my dreams. lol

I’ve never had a lucid dream that I know of, but I often know when I’m dreaming... But I also can sometimes control certain things in a dream, like if I’m aware I’m dreaming and something is going to happen that I don’t want, I can be like NO, or if I really want something I can sometimes make it happen, but not in a specific way, or a lot of times I’ll literally redo a whole dream, like basically have the same dream twice in a row, which is a weird thing I do fairly often, but I’m not really sure why or how.

[microbialhomicide]

Been listening to old playlists... Some songs really just seem like they were written for you; every line, every word, dripping with raw emotions, saturated with basic truths even the writers themselves had yet to understand. So deep. You were so deep in your own pain, so deep in the holes you dug yourself into, so deep into the heart of it you never thought you’d find a way out. This song always reminded me of Great Expectations. So, of course it would remind me of you. You loved Dickens. It made sense I guess. There was something I never appreciated about these stories, about these lost lovers stuck in time, obsessed with and consumed by unrequited love... Miss Havisham, Gatsby, Heathcliff, you were nothing like them. Or maybe, you were exactly like them, in a way that's too abstract to explain, but you would know. I'll never know someone who has seen as much pain as you. It's strange how, every now and then, I still miss you. I'm glad I found you again, found your beautiful soul again. It was nice to see you, to really see you, and to be filled with hope. I can't help it, I still love you. Maybe I always will, and it will always be weird, and it won't make sense to anyone else, not even to me.

[microbialhomicide]

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you...

but I want you to know you can trust me.

[microbialhomicide]

the 1975 just feels like a nice blend of bloc party and phoenix.

[microbialhomicide]

I wonder what opinions people would form of me based off my instagram explore page... I don’t look it very often, but I was scrolling through it earlier and it’s just a weird mix of fitness-related things, travel, crystals, tiny houses, dance moms shit, tattoos, cool architecture, and ferrets. 

I mean...

pretty accurate tbh

But also, like, why the fuck do I still get so much dance moms stuff? I literally don’t even follow any of them... maybe it’s because I look them up? Every few months I like to go check on all my dance moms kids to see what they’re doing with their lives and see if they’re okay and all that shit lol. 

[microbialhomicide]

took a quick nap, had some really weird dreams...

There was some stuff that’s just too hard to explain, but had to do with some deep stuff. There was also a moment where I was helping someone deal with a panic attack type thing. It was like sleep paralysis, without the paralysis... But the weirdest and funniest thing was that I, somehow, built/acquired a ridiculously long hallway/string of rooms that I, somehow, was able to slide all the way down on my socks. It was awesome.

The weirdest part though, I feel like I know exactly what each dream was really about.

[microbialhomicide]

I think I’m falling for you.

[microbialhomicide]

I just wanna talk to you

[microbialhomicide]

[microbialhomicide]

young people lately are kinda bumming me out and pissing me off...

Quarantine has given me a lot more time to watch youtube and get exposed to so many different social media “influencers” and I don’t know what to think of them honestly. A lot of them seem like generally nice, good people who just want to have fun and make friends and be silly and funny and there’s nothing wrong with that and it can be fun to watch sometimes, but it’s also frustrating and disheartening to see so many young people being so blatantly irresponsible and shameless. 

While I think it’s unfair that people in the public eye are held to higher standards and face more scrutiny for their actions and words, I think it’s equally unfair that those same people hold so much power and influence, especially over young, impressionable minds. I don’t think it’s their responsibility to promote certain ideas or ways of existing in the world and interacting with each other however, I think people tend to forget the power that they have, whether in the public eye or not. 

Simply by existing, by being yourself, even passively without any conscious thoughts or direct intentions, you are promoting certain ideals and believes and ways of being. People who witness you being you, your way of living, your way of interacting with others and the world around you, are influenced by your behavior. People are affected every day by each other, usually unconsciously and minutely, only making a noticeable difference in someone if they’re exposed to the same person’s ideas and behaviors. Even then, the person isn’t always aware of it. 

I am by no means a perfect person and don’t believe that all of my own practices are the “right” way to exist and I know that I still constantly make mistakes in everything that I do and I am still growing every single day, as I will hopefully continue to do until the day I die. That being said, I have always been compassionate and empathetic and try my best to be consciously aware of how my actions and words affect those around me. 

So it’s hard for me to understand how there are people who are so careless and oblivious and selfish and thoughtless. You can make the excuse that they’re young. I too was more self absorbed, immature, arrogant, and ignorant in my adolescence. It’s normal and it’s forgivable (mostly.)  But don’t they care about anything outside of themselves? Don’t they want to expand their horizons and grow as a human being? Don’t they think about anyone outside their little worlds? Is it because of their social media career, or would they be this way regardless? Does social media perpetuate or accentuate those negative qualities? Probably.

Part of the reason I never share opinions of specific people online or try to “cancel” anyone is because I’m aware that I don’t know that person, no matter how much of themselves they share online, and that I don’t know their truth, but humans make judgments, it’s part of our survival, so, yes, I definitely have opinions about people and the things they do and say. I try my best to stay unbiased and open minded in every situation. 

I feel like this post just became me working out some thoughts in my head rather than me making any kind of pointed argument. That’s fine I guess. 

[microbialhomicide]

I wanna be your Jade

[microbialhomicide]

I suddenly got into making jewelry again. It’s been a long time. Since I actually have free time now and some extra money, I might as well invest in some of the materials I’ve been wanting to create stuff with. I’m really excited. 

[microbialhomicide]

I wanna go back to LA

[microbialhomicide]

I need an electric drill... Literally I haven't hung anything on a wall in so long that I forgot how anchors work. For the past few years, I've really wanted a studio/garage space for pottery and wood sculpture. Also it'd be so cool if I could just build all my furniture. I always have the perfect design in my head but can either never find it anywehere or, if I do, it's way too expensive! The apartments I've moved into recently have rentable garages... Maybe I'll eventually do that. I've also been missing screen printing. I might actually be able to join the print coop, you know, once coiv is over...

[microbialhomicide]

I went on a hike. And I died. I finally forced myself to go to Enchanted Rock. I've been restless about it for about a month. I've just been craving nature lately. I know I could just like, go outside, but I live in a large city. There are tons of places to hike around here, but because of covid, places are either closed or just mega crowded. I hike to get away from people, not be surrounded by them... Plus, again, with covid I don't wanna be around people. So, I'm trying to go to state parks right now, cuz you need reservations to get in. It was about a two hour drive. I forgot how much I love driving through Texas. Everytime I get so envigorated. Sunroof open, awesome music playing, beautiful scenery. I even took a different highway home, just for a more scenic route, even though it added some time. I've never taken that highway outside of Austin before. I also just really enjoy driving around without using my phone to tell me where to go. It's nice to just have a general idea, and then rely on signs and my sense of direction to get to places. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the top, which is kind of sad since the last time I was there I made it and was still recovering from back surgery. I remember my back being so sore after that. I forget sometimes that I get really sick from the heat. I've been that way since I was little, even when I was in better shape. I remember the first time I went to Enchanted Rock, I ran/climbed up in the most unnecessary way. I think that was like 5th/6th grade? I still have some back problems too. My SI joints started to bother me a bit. Honestly though I think I drank too much water. I ended up getting really sick and throwing up by a tree lol. But I still had a really nice day, and I met some nice people and had some cool conversations. It's nice being able to do things like this. Just a few years ago I wouldn't have been able to. Living with anxiety was so hindering... and, even though I still have some, especially in social situations, experiences like this help motivate me to keep working on it, and remind me that I can do anything I want to do and that things will always work out, even if it's not quite how I planned.

[microbialhomicide]

It breaks my heart.

I know you don’t want to hear that, you don’t want to hurt anyone or make them sad, or for anyone to feel sorry for you...

But I love you, that’s why. And you would feel this way if someone else said it, and so would I, because we’re humans, with empathy for other humans, so just let me feel this way about you.

And, I just want to hold you. Is that stupid? Is it weird? I wanna hug you for as long as it takes for those years of pain to be erased, and be replaced with love, love for yourself. And then, I wanna hold your hand forever. 

Is that okay?