Midare Crit!

A collection of thoughts on transitioning.

[midarecrit-blog]

Three Months Follow-Up

Ah right, before Tumblr goes to heck and back.

I had my three month follow up with Planned Parenthood. Apparently the spiro is working so well that I had forgotten a certain thing in the mornings was even possible. And certainly nothing spontaneous there, but with the right switches flipped all is well.

The NP said that most patients only really have the internal changes by this point. She said one patient in particular couldn’t watch Moana anymore without crying. Uh... I couldn’t do that to begin with!

Physically, things are going better than I guess most of their patients--or at least I’m more content with the results thus far. The NP said the next three months would probably have even more significant results there and that’s just the beginning so blip.

My prescriptions were changed without a call though, from 2mg twice daily and 50mg twice daily to 2mg twice daily and 50mg thrice (2 morning/1 night) daily. I’ve got a good idea that’s an error so I just got done calling them and hopefully we’ll hear back soon. Bonus on the error possiiblity as the estradiol has a 3 month supply but the spiro only has 1 month.

[midarecrit-blog]

Two Months Update

Yesterday was two months, so I’m closer to the real date this time.

There’s still not a whole ton of changes yet--more of what I had before! Sometimes I take off my shirt and go, “...huh.” If I compare my pictures now to my pictures from day 1, I’ve definitely gained a bit on my chest and nip size.

Jumping too hard, speed bumps, and pot holes have become a whole lot more noticeable. I didn’t think there’d be a bounce there like this yet... goodness knows how that’ll feel when they’re a decent size.

[midarecrit-blog]

One Month Plus Change

HI! I forgot to update this at one month but tomorrow marks 5 five weeks so... close enough!

My nipples hurt like crazy and any time I bring it up I’m either replied with “you asked for this...!” or “I’m gonna punch you in the boob lol” by various folk. T.T All in good fun though and yeah, I asked for this but daggone.

Around weeks 2 to 3 I was wondering if I’d ever definitely feel any sign of physical change. Now it’s coming and lingering here and I’m like, “yeah yeah OKAY thanks karma keep it coming I guess I want ‘em nice.”

[midarecrit-blog]

Status Update

I’m not dead! Just dead tired. I keep thinking I’ve not slept enough but I nap ALL THE TIME.

So far nothing new really since before. I’m still worried if I’m not taking my pills correctly like... sometimes I get so rushed around doing what I’m doing while the estradiol is under my tongue that I forget to keep feeling it and I don’t feel it anymore. Is it dissolved? Did I swallow it by accident? Did it shove itself against my teeth? Oi.

I ended up not coming out to my Dad--the nail trimming for Hana was much too fast. Still wondering when/if I should because like... he didn’t notice wreaths on the kitchen wall for three years is he gonna notice he’s got a daughter now instead of a son? But it’d be fair to tell him eventually, even so.

When I commented on my nipple sensitivity before, that was what I thought was a full on 11 compared to what I had before. Naw. Naw. That’s been adjusted to more like a strong 6, at best. Definitely uncomfortable but not pain. We’ve been moving bags of sand and dirt around the building to help protect it from the storm surges expected with Hurricane Florence, and the sharp plastic edges on the bags occasionally slip across my chest. Even the slightest graze of those edges on my nipple makes me want to yelp out!

I’m glad things are finally happening I guess, but do I really need to be doing work that involves such high chance of frequent intense pain? :<

[midarecrit-blog]

Day 9

Still no discernible physical changes. I think there’s stuff going on with my chest? Like, my aureole seem a tiny bit bigger. Chest is absolutely way more sensitive though like holy shit nerves have come alive. Occasional muscle soreness there, like I just did a ton of push-ups or something.

Libido is still completely under control. There’s no need to handle things solo, even when it’s habit I can just... stop, and feel fine. And when I need to flip that switch it’s flipped. I haven’t had any random “that’s just a fold in my pants hahaha” moments at all!

Mental changes, again still the reduced anxiety. I’m able to call businesses and such without feeling drained afterward. I’m able to be around people and have them walk directly behind me and not freak out.

I still don’t like it when people don’t walk around us, or when we don’t walk around them, or when people (including us) are in the middle of an aisle. But that’s just like... a politeness thing for ease of movement. Before it’d get me all cringing and now I’m able to more distinctly recognize and call it out without going into a blubbery mess.

The best way I can describe things is my whole life so far has been in a state of hiccups. Y’know when you get them so long you just get used to them? And when they stop, you expect the next one but it never comes and it’s so nice? That’s kinda how it feels now.

When I took xanax for my anxiety on the plane rides before, I still felt its source--much more vividly. I was calm, but screaming inside. Now I’m calm and able to access the full breadth of my feelings and able to process things properly. It’s amazing.

Finally, my parents may be coming over today to trim Hana’s nails. And I may be using that opportunity to finally come out to my Dad. It’s not something I’m looking forward to, but he’s the type that hates being excluded from secrets... so knowing now before it’s obvious might hurt him less.

[midarecrit-blog]

Anxiety Poof

We went shopping at Walmart, surrounded by people, and my heart didn’t turn into a percussion ensemble!

And this morning when I woke up I just knew I was going to need a shower... nope! Didn’t have much a scent at all. I could tell I had that kinda filmy feeling from a overly hot night but no KO scent in my shirt.

[midarecrit-blog]

Friday

It’s FRIDAY!!!

And a quick “get meds and dinner” has turned into a Girls’ Night. I mean I’m still presenting masculine of course but time to get some vittles!

Speaking of vittles, I forgot my water bottle at home today and haven’t had the time to go get it. The dehydrated headache is hecking real.

[midarecrit-blog]

Tomorrow

Tomorrow starts Day 4 and while I’m 300% sure everything has been placebo so far, the mental benefits of knowing I’m doing something have been amazing. Anxiety has been outright floored... though I need a better test of that.

This is gonna be a marathon. And if it’s anything like my hair, one day I’m just gonna realize how much things have changed and be shocked as heck.

[midarecrit-blog]

Re: Dissolving - Andraoise

andraoise replied to your post: Dissolving

I’ve had it go both ways. I think it also depends on where you put the pill, if you hide it too far under your tongue it can take longer.

Makes sense! I guess as long as it gets into your blood all is well. I put it right under where my tongue kinda connects… sure there’s a term for it somewhere.

Thanks! :D

[midarecrit-blog]

Dissolving

When you hear all of these folk dissolving their estradiol sublingually in like 15 to 30 minutes and yours goes away in less than 3 minutes... am I just super wet or are they an actual desert?

I checked with others offline and, yeah, no, pills meant to dissolve under your tongue should go pretty quickly. Hm.

[midarecrit-blog]

Day 1 (Part 1) Feelings

I got stuck in traffic on the way into work. And... it was okay. I acknowledged the traffic was tedious and annoying, but I didn’t dwell on it. Kicked on some music and enjoyed the ride.

A coworker made a dumb transphobic remark, I called him out on it, then went back to my assignment. It’s not that he’s not even worth the energy, and I certainly care, but I don’t have to ruin my whole day over festering on it either.

I’ll routinely say “it’s daijoubu” to let myself and others know that everything is gonna turn out alright. But is this an actual state of serenity? Is this what actual calmness is like? I can accept feelings and then move right along with my day. No apathy, no emptiness, no bottling up...

Is this just placebo? Maybe, but daggone.

Also, I’ve been drinking a ridiculous amount of water today. But any time I haven’t recently drank something I get this kinda hot feeling around my head, which seems to go away with the water.

Not sure if that’s Spiro Magic or just a headache from this storm.

[midarecrit-blog]

Here We Goooo...

So far no brilliant epiphany of awareness and realization, but I was able to handle a nightmarish traffic situation without fuss. And for me? That’s a huge step up that I didn’t realize until I walked into my office.

And speaking of my office, THE SMELLS. Did it always smell like this? Am I just imagining things? And on the note of smells: spiro burps. Whoaaaa goodness me.

[midarecrit-blog]

Today’s the Day

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[midarecrit-blog]

Eventually...

It’s wild to think that eventually transitioning won’t be such a prevalent thing on my mind. That’s one tip I hear a lot from those ahead of me: once you have HRT, stop trying to think about it. Things will happen. Focus on your life, get things fixed, improve things, live. Of course, be sure that your health and levels are fine and keep your appointments but don’t let it consume your every moment.

But then one day like, you’ll just realize you’ve not given it much thought outside of it being a normal medical appointment every so often. Like going to the dentist. HRT being just another medicine to take, no biggie. It’d be nice to reach that point and see myself and have the world see and treat me as any other woman.

[midarecrit-blog]

HRT Beckons

Soooooooooooooon.

[zjemptv]

Depersonalization in gender dysphoria: widespread and widely unrecognized

It's one thing to be trapped in the wrong body. But what do you do when you're trapped in your own self?

I’m going to list some descriptions of certain feelings, and I’d like for any trans or gender-questioning readers to think about whether they’ve felt anything similar to this over the course of their lives.

A sense of detachment or estrangement from your own thoughts, feelings, or body: “I know I have feelings but I don’t feel them”

Feeling split into two parts, with one going through the motions of participating in the world and one observing quietly: “There is this body that walks around and somebody else just watches”

Feeling as if you have an “unreal” or absent self: “I have no self”

Experiencing the world as distant, dreamlike, foggy, lifeless, colorless, artificial, like a picture with no depth, or less than real

Being absorbed in yourself and experiencing a compulsive self-scrutiny or extreme rumination

Having an ongoing and coherent dialogue with yourself

Feeling like a veil or glass wall separates you from the world

Emotional or physical numbness, such as a feeling of having a head filled with cotton

Lacking a sense of agency – feeling flat, robotic, dead, or like a “zombie”

Inability to imagine things

Being able to think clearly, but feeling as if some essential quality is lacking from your thoughts or experience of the world

A sense of disconnectedness from life, impeding you from creative and open involvement with the world

Read more

[khromata]

#dysphoria feels like this. _

So much of this.

[midarecrit-blog]

Hair

So I’ve been growing out my hair for years by this point, without a single cut nor trim. I think I’ve done an okay-ish job at keeping it clean and healthy, but as oily as my skin is I have to shampoo it pretty much daily. And I have to blowdry it almost every work day as I never wake up early enough for a natural dry.

Nikki says I should go for a short cut once I’m on HRT (as I won’t be able to afford a salon do ‘til then anyway) and finasteride and such. This definitely has the advantage of letting the hopeful reborn hairs grow closer to the length of the rest of my hair! But I think too short and I’m gonna crawl into a dysphoric hole.

Having long hair has been a blessing and a curse. No one could have prepared me enough for how long hair just gets in EVERYTHING. Bending over? Peripheral vision gone. Eating? TIME TO NOM SOME HAIR. A slight breeze? Hope you’re not talking or TIME TO NOM SOME HAIR. A major wind? Hope someone can guide you around ‘cause your hair is now wrapped around your face.

But it’s also helped with my dysphoria when that shows up. Letting my hair drape around both sides of my neck, being used to wearing a ponytail and feeling the bounce there. Throwing it over one side in a faux “doomed to die anime mom” style. Letting Nikki play with it and braid it whenever she feels like. I really like my hair being played with.

So yeah... I don’t think I could deal with my hair being too short. It’s one of the many things that’ve helped me, especially after a shower with a really blurry mirror. Though I’ll admit I got a whole ton more ma’am’s and such when my hair was around shoulder (or almost shoulder) length--so I think getting that length in a more feminine style would be a good compromise.

Also TFW you were semi-regularly gendered properly by total strangers pre-HRT, even moreso during the winter thanks to The Power of Hoodies. Yeah... maybe going back to that with a good do’ would be nice.