I just finished babysitting my friendās children, and she has most definitely mastered the no spanking/alternative discipline route. I always talk about taking it because I donāt believe in abusing children, but Iāve never personally seen it in action by a Black parent. Her children are 2 and 5 and they are the kindest, nicest toddlers Iāve ever met. They listen to her because sheās their mom and they automatically recognize sheās important and she gives them what they want (love and affection and rewards). In return they like to clean for her and give her artwork and cuddles all of the time.
To get them to listen to her, she makes sure to listen to them and what theyāve got to say instead of telling them to shut up all the time. The 5 year old asked her a few months ago why you canāt eat food that was on the floor after picking up food on the floor, and she explained it calmly and clearly. He asked 4 other questions after that and she answered all of them. He was satisfied and happy with the answers, and ever since he hasnāt done those things. She lets them gush and gush about Hot Wheels or Team Umizoomi and engages with them and counts with them and everything, so they never feel alone or neglected enough to not want to obey.
My friend lets them make mistakes by themselves on the rare chance they donāt listen so they can learn from them and let that be punishment enough. For example, the younger one weāve been telling not to go near the dog cage because he doesnāt like dogs. He went near it a while ago, got his hand licked, freaked out, and hasnāt been anywhere near it since. The board on the wall that she uses has a column for each boy horizontally, and vertically are all the traits she wants them to have, like being nice, listening to her and their teachers, eating their food, cleaning up, having manners, etc. They get a sticker whenever they do it for the day, and they lose all their stickers when they break a habit. Thatās enough punishment for them, so they donāt break it.
When they wake up, itās cleanup time, or bedtime, she plays what she calls āmusical habitsā. She puts on a playlist of their favorite songs (itās like 20-25 minutes) that make them feel motivated, and they should be finished getting ready or cleaning by the time the last song is over. If theyāre not, they get a toy from their toy bin taken away or an Oreo from their snack bag taken out (aka eaten by her). But she hasnāt ever gotten to that because they always finish. They donāt even like hearing the consequences lol. And I just wanted to say I really enjoyed seeing good parenting by a Black woman that wasnāt abusive or harmful to the childās development, it gave me inspiration and hope. Just had to talk about it somewhere.
I wrote this post about a year ago. Since then, Iāve become the godmother to both of these babies, and they are STILL so well behaved. I babysit from time to time. Theyāre also enrolled in Montessori programs.
Sheās now teaching them about mindfulness, Spanish, self care, and cooking. They have little yoga mats and practice breathing in and out with her every morning, and then they do affirmations together. I visited them a while back and they have a new board up! She created a system where theyāre challenged with the task to do something nice for each other or for someone else every week. With this challenge theyāre instructed to use their listening skills to figure out what that person might want or need, and then figure out how they should react. The only reward at the end of the week is a big hug and some snacks, and every month, she lets them have a movie day if theyāve done really well.
Sheās also making them use their words when theyāre upset instead of grumbling in silence. Her oldest one was notorious for that. She made up a little saying to remind him: āMommy canāt help if Mommy doesnāt know.ā Itās forced him to explain why heās upset and that gives them a chance to have an actual conversation about it. Now they talk about ANYTHING. If they donāt feel like talking at that moment and they express that, sheāll lead them to their playroom and turn their favorite show on or let them meditate or draw until theyāve cooled down. She also accepts letters if they just didnāt want to use their words. It was so good to watch.
By the way, I got many messages about this post asking me to ask my friend where she learned these techniques. She said that she wrote down all the ways her parents hurt, hindered, or stunted her developmental growth and then wrote down ways they couldāve approached it better or loved her better. That second list is her guideline.Ā
I usually see people say theyāre never gonna treat their kids like their parents treated them yet end up doing it anyways. So this is encouragingā¦ knowing that it is possible to be better than youāre parents.
If I ever have a kid this is the parent I aspire to beĀ
That bit at the end? To write down all the ways her parent messed up and how to fix it? I like that. I need to try that.
For any Mothers or Mothers-to-be following me!Ā
-FemaleWarrior, She/TheyĀ
