letters from my mind

this is a peek into the things my mind whispers to me every day. call it coping if you will. main blog: mintraindrop

[urfriendlywriter]

specific tropes in romance that always heal something in me that it never broke

like, forehead kisses, soft love confessions, peppering kisses all over the lover's face. promises that are kept, hands those are held with a gentle love, and hugs that engulf the heart too.

or when they rest their head on your chest, or lean on you for support.

"your tears kill me," kinda thing. or when a sunshine character finally cries and bawls their entire life's hurt out into their comfort grumpy character (plus point, if the grump feels guilty thinking if they had done something to trigger this emotional outburst)

communication. no matter hard the topic is, how big your differences are.

listening to the other person yap

admiring their facial features and seeing not just the outer structure but the person that they really are.

them getting angry on ur behalf

cradling each other in hugs basically

feeling emotional walls break when you're with that one person particularly

gentle communication. yearning to do more for your lover (!!!!)

affectionate smiles and eyes crinkling with a smile that's directed specially at you.

finding their laugh contagious.

the feeling of being accepted, despite flaws and all

silent domestic acts like being in the kitchen together, dressing up together, them drying ur hair while u sit between their legs

occasionally stolen kisses

or one deep kiss that just lights your world and fulfills your soul and heart.

sleepily nuzzling into each other!!

reaching for each other despite being asleep, with mumbled endearments and whispers of need!!!

laughter coming easily by their side, like happiness is just another day to day thing (this can also be about self love. when u truly love urself and prioritize your own rights and cherish the fact that you're you. happiness becomes beautiful even in solitude)

their fingers buried deep in yo- OOPS.?! :)

[midnightcoloured]

I want a love like this.

I want TO WANT a love like this. please let me fall in love the same way they fall for me. just like that.

I want to want to be loved like this and I want to want to love like this.

[midnightcoloured]

why can't I tell if you really mean it?

I can't be the only one. please someone tell me I'm not the only one.

cause whenever I'm happy and talk about those happy things to someone - anyone! could be friends or family or colleagues or associates - and they tell me I should be proud of myself or that they're so happy for me, I feel like they're lying.

and that's wrong, isn't it? it has to be. they wouldn't lie to me like that. would they?

because I can't help but think that I'm severely oversharing, being annoying and they just tell me they're happy for me, or that I'm so lucky that so and so happened, to shut me up.

I don't want this to be true but if it is, I just wanna learn how to be good. how to be a good friend and not make everything about myself. there has to be a way to unlearn being selfish. right?

already lost a very dear friend because of this part of my behaviour, can’t lose anyone else.

[midnightcoloured]

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

I didn't mean to. I swear.

I'm sorry.

[midnightcoloured]

stop thinking about him.

this is what I've been hearing again and again when people first hear our story. and how it ended. and I guess they're right in some way.

they're looking at all of this - this mess - from the outside. but I'm still somehow too close to everything.

it's been a year since I last saw him, heard from him, and for the longest time I thought not much wrong of everything that's happened before and since. I thought it was still normal somehow.

I also always thought bad stuff like that only happens to others and I would sure as hell notice if it ever happened to me.

spoiler: I didn't. for the longest time.

and it only really hit me a few days ago. when my best friend said something very intelligent about all of it. this is when a lot of things clicked into place. but I still can't wrap my head around it.

I don't want to keep thinking about him. I want to truly move on and learn how to be loved again. but I feel like I need to keep thinking - not about him as a person but about everything him. how it all started, any words he said, things he's done, stuff people around us have said and done.

I need to keep thinking about this to understand what this has done to me. I need to understand what's happened to be able to feel every emotion linked to this. because I fear I skipped that part. the feeling bit and the letting myself feel everything bit.

and I need to feel to be able to cope with this. to be able to let go in the end. and maybe even forget.

why do emotions have to be so complicated?

[midnightcoloured]

I'm scared of my phone.

or rather, I'm anxious whenever it rings.

there is literally that feeling of anxiety settling in my chest whenever someone calls me and didn't tell me beforehand.

like, who are you? where did you get my number? what do you want? and why couldn't you send a fucking text??

I feel like I need people to fill out a form before they call me so that I (and most importantly, my brain) can prepare.

but don't tell me you're gonne call me the next day. cause then I'll be (anxiously) sitting around until you do call me, no matter how much time I still have.

yeah... I feel like that's an issue.

[midnightcoloured]

I hurts.

why does no one tell you how much it hurts when a friend falls out of love with a fandom that was the reason you became friends in the first place?

they're still there of course and there is still so much else to talk about and you appreciate them so so much as a person and for their talents and the time they invest in you and ofc you can still talk and chat and rant about that fandom. but it's by far not what it used to be.

if I may be dramatic for a second here, it's like you have to bury all that shared happiness. say goodbye. and the memories to what it has been like are haunting your mind.

[midnightcoloured]

I crave for someone to hug me.

a long hug. being pulled close and not let go again for minutes. hours even.

cuddles. I mean cuddles. all warm and soft and cozy in a huge bed with pillows and blankets and nowhere to be.

and kisses. I miss kisses. gentle ones. hello kisses and goodbye kisses and I appreciate you kisses. pecks as well as kisses that last for long long minutes.

I crave all that and still, at the same time, I - or rather - my brain doesn't feel comfortable with just the tiniest amount of physical touch.

there is something severely wrong with me I fear...

[midnightcoloured]

I love my brain.

I do. when it's giving me ideas and when it's creative and when it plays movies in my head whenever I read.

less so when it's making me forget things and when it also makes it very hard to remember them afterwards. and when it makes me feel anxious and less. those are the times I don't love my brain.