the space between us (excerpt 1)
posted the first excerpt of my insomnia story. it's gay, it's messy, it's a lot. enjoy
“Don’t leave again,” she whispered still staring at my wrist and I breathed, running my hand through my hair in exasperation and desperately glancing at the gate that led to my freedom.
“You don’t get to do that, you don’t get to make me feel bad.”
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“Harper wait-”
My shoulders shot up to my ears as I heard Alex’s voice cut through the muffled music coming from the house. I stared ahead but couldn’t help my body stop in it’s tracks, my quest to head back to my dorm and stare at my ceiling for the next 8 hours abandoned.
The silence ticked on, I lifted my head, staring at the sky in frustration.
“What do you want Alex?”
I heard her intake of breath behind me as I turned slightly back towards her, still not giving in fully to this forced conversation. I knew if I wholly committed she would be able to get me to go back into the house, she’d be able to get me to do anything.
“I just…where are you going?” I could see her watching me with wide eyes, her voice sluggish with the 12 drinks she had already had tonight.
I laughed breathily, running a hand through my hair in exasperation, why can’t she just leave me alone. “Why do you care?”
I eyed her from my peripheral as she took a step towards me, I stepped back, a small move of defiance that felt like a step forward in my mission to move the fuck past these weird 6 months. I could hear Cassidy’s voice in my mind, get away from her, create some distance and don’t let her suck you in.
Alex stopped and I watched as what appeared to be hurt flashed across her face. The gnawing feeling in my chest grew, I breathed in deeply and repeated my mantra. I’m doing this for both of us.
“I-Of course I…” she stumbled over her words as I reached into my pocket and grabbed a cigarette, the familiar material between my fingers softening the shaking slightly as I attempted to remain cool and unaffected.
“Damnit will you look at me,” I startled as all of a sudden Alex was in front of me and grabbed my shoulders, forcing herself into my space before I could retaliate with distance. Her green eyes looked up at me with that same hurt expression mixed with anger and…let’s be honest, alcohol.
I shrugged her off and maintained the eye contact, stepping back and breathing in the nicotine between my fingers.
“What’s got your knickers in a twist-”
“Don’t you fucking do that, what the hell is your problem?” Her face is going red now as she again takes a step forward and I follow in reverse.
“Like that, what the hell is that?” her arms flailed wildly and I couldn’t help but smirk at the angry 5 ft. tall girl in front of me as she stumbled, clearly very affected by the alcohol she had been guzzling for the past 4 hours. Hell I had drank way more tonight then I should have, than I ever should when she’s around. It’s the reason why I had to escape.
I was trying to focus on Stacey, trying to clear my mind and distract it with literally anything other than Alex fucking Stewart but she had positioned her makeout session with Gareth directly behind Stacey so everytime I looked at her or attempted to make a move I was forced to stare at Gareth getting his rocks off by the apparent girl of my dreams. I so badly wanted to get my rocks off tonight Gareth, and I will never forgive you for ruining my night.
My mind was focused on convincing myself that Alex’s positioning was coincidence, it was the only comfortable couch in the lounge area of the frat house - never mind the 50 million other rooms in the house but in that specific room, if she had to be there, it had only 1 couch. My heart however was screaming at me that it was for me, everything she was doing was to get a reaction out of me, including chasing me out of the fucking house. But why, what was her end goal here.
I felt my brain fog with frustration, joining the already there fog from the whiskey lites I’d been drinking all night.
“Hello, earth to Harper?” I blinked, brought back to the current situation of a tiny princess shouting at me as some random first year retched in the bush next to us. My nose wrinkled as I side eyed him,
“No oi, focus on me,” she clicked in my face and I blinked in surprise. Did she just snap her fingers at me?
My brows furrowed together as I brought my mind back to earth, I have to get out of here.
“Alex I think Gareth is waiting for you, you should get back in there,” my eyes moved to the side of the house, stubbornly refusing to meet her gaze.
“Oh yeh well I’m sure Stacey is probably waiting for you in the kitchen, don’t want to leave her with blue balls,” she shoved her finger in my chest and I once again took a step back, I’m doing this for both of us.
“Yeh well, I was the one leaving Alex, no one is waiting for me in there because I intend to go. Speaking of, this has been a lovely chat-”
Her small hand grabbed my wrist stopping me in my tracks, I could feel my pulse racing under her fingers and she looked down. I prayed in my brain that she couldn’t feel the effect she was having on me but considering how her eyes were now fixed on where our skin met I’d have to assume my hopes were in vain.
“Don’t leave again,” she whispered still staring at my wrist and I breathed, running my hand through my hair in exasperation and desperately glancing at the gate that led to my freedom.
“You don’t get to do that, you don’t get to make me feel bad.”
“It’s not fair, one day you were there and the next it’s like I’m a fucking stranger, you don’t even acknowledge me in class.” Her brow furrowed and the gnawing deepened, I really really don’t want to have this conversation right now.
“Alex now is not the time to talk about this, I tried to explain it to you. You’re good now, you’ve got your friends, your sorority, your family, you don’t need me.”
“I always need you,” she whispered and my eyes finally shot up surprised at the sincerity I saw in her gaze. No no no.
“Stop it,” I lurched back as she fumbled, the alcohol making her movements sluggish.I reached out on instinct and stabilised her, her gaze now fixed on where my hand was placed on her shoulder and I sighed again, stepping back.
“Please, stop,” I breathed and this time she stayed where she was, finally taking the personal space hint but the hurt still remained in her eyes. I’m doing this for both of us.
“But I don’t get it, why can’t we keep being friends? You just take me for a drive and say hey you’re not my problem anymore, your friends got you so don’t text me anymore, how the fuck is that fair?” her voice didn’t raise but I could feel the anger.
“If you want to talk about this we can do it tomorrow, we have both drunk too much to deal with this right no-” Alex scoffed before I could finish.
“Of course, perfect fucking Harper, so in control, so stable, never too emotional always has an answer always has a fix. Give me a fucking human moment Harper, show me you care,” okay now she was shouting and I could feel the control I had carefully curated like armour around my body resting on a razors edge.
“As I said, nothing constructive will come from us talking to-”
“Why did me hooking up with Gareth bother you?” she interrupted me again, her eyes hard and accusing, searching for something that I didn’t know how to give her.
“Who said it bothered me?” I questioned, maintaining an unaffected tone, watching as my thinly veiled contempt for the man seemed to fool Alex and cause her to become even more agitated. I was hiding behind a cold mask but I couldn’t think of any other way to dodge this line of questioning. I should probably book in for a therapy session soon.
“Well then why are you leaving?” her eyebrows knitted together as though she was trying to solve the worlds hardest puzzle. I couldn’t stop the scoff that escaped my mouth, and to be honest even if I could I probably wouldn’t have.
“Not everything is about you Alex, I had just had enough of being around people I don’t give a fuck about.” Everything is about her. The thought ripped through my mind like a bullet.
“Well then why not take Stacey with you?” I swear to god this girl is trying to kill me.
“You’re really fixated on Stacey, why the fuck do you care?” I turned it around on her, I could feel the crack in my control growing like a crack in a windshield as you go over a speed hump.
“You just have to hang out with me to pass Ethics anyway,” I threw the words Angela had spat at me back at her and watched as the blow landed in her chest, causing her to take a step back and her face dropping with understanding.
“How did yo-”
“Those friends of yours are nice people, no clue why you feel like you can’t talk to them about real shit,” at this point I could taste the venom on my tongue. I need to get out of here.
I watched as the truth dawned on Alex’s face and she stepped forward, “Harper I -”
I held up my hand, the cigarette between my fingers forgotten, “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter. I knew what this was from the start I was just stupid enough to think it had become real at some point.”
“It was real, it is real,” Alex stumbled forward blindly reaching as though trying to grab me but I stepped back again.
“What’s real? Our secret friendship? Our shared moments and collective thoughts that you’re too embarrassed for anyone on campus to know about? Fuck, you know I don’t care what other people think of me but I’m not a damn social parahiah.” It poured out of me like a river, if I tried to stop it I couldn’t.
Alex took another step forward “I can claim you-”
“Claim me as what?” I was shouting now I could feel it, a small part of my brain was telling me that everyone in that house could probably hear our conversation but I couldn’t bring myself to care, finally everyone will know who scraped the perfect princess off the ground, who put her back together again piece by piece just for them to all enjoy the fruit of my labour.
“Claim you as mine,” she whispered gently placing a hand on my chest and I could feel her hand rising and falling rapidly with my breaths but my legs wouldn’t move anymore. Distance seemed less important when ‘mine’ was ringing around my head like an echo. It took over any other thought I had in my mind, any thought I had ever had.
I sucked in a breath as she moved in closer, her chest now flush against me and I felt my hands shake from where they hung by my side.
“Fuck,” I breathed out and felt my heart vibrate as I watched her eyes hood slightly, laced with something darker.
A loud bang from the side of the house shot me out of my head as I shook the haze that was over us, my eyes darting over to a group of dude bros who had just flown through the side gate. Yes, other people, house full of people. Fuck me this is gonna be front page bullshit tomorrow morning, I can already feel it.
Alex’s gaze hadn’t moved from my face even as an annoyed ‘fucking hell’ slipped its way past her lips, clearly she was annoyed by the interruption. I clenched my hands, steadying myself against the fuzz in my brain.
“You’re not even gay Alex,” I stepped back and gently removed her hand from my chest, “You’ve told me that many, many times.” My brain flashed back to every boundary she had every created, every moment that should have forced my heart into a platonic cell but instead provided some form of challenge for prison escape.
She stepped forward again, her face a breath away from mine, “I’m whatever you need me to be.” I could feel the heat radiating off of her body, this was no longer a mixed message - this was a clear signal.
It felt like a dam breaking, all control was immediately gone. Every careful moment of distance, every controlled breath every step back I had ever taken came crashing into me as Alex stood in my arms practically begging me to kiss her. Her eyes were firmly locked on my mouth and the tension felt like real electricity shooting between us, it felt like I was going to die if I didn’t kiss her right now. It felt like I couldn’t breath.
“Stop holding back,” she whispered and I heard before I felt the groan burst through my chest as all resolve finally broke and I closed the distance between us with a passion that surprised even me, our lips connected and instant fireworks exploded in my body. Her mouth opened instantly and I rewarded her with deepening the kiss, my hands that had been hanging by my sides all night now were on a desperate quest to map her body, I wrapped my arms around her waist and all thoughts left my brain other than Alex Alex Alex. A breathy moan came from somewhere inside her and I felt like I was going to combust. My imagination couldn’t compare to this, my dreams couldn’t even compare to this. She was everything I could ever want and so much more and right now it felt like she wanted me back. Her tongue explored into my mouth as I felt tingling begin running down my entire body, god I want to destroy her and pull her apart until there’s nothing left but a writhing mess. Till she really is mine and no one can ever mistake her for anything else.
“Fuck yeh McCalister,” a male voice broke through the fog in my brain and I shot up, looking at the small crowd that had formed on the front porch, including a very upset looking Stacey and a fairly confused looking Gareth. Not that that was anything different for him.
“Fuck,” I breathed, running a hand through my hair as I looked down at Alex who was still gazing up at me, no sorry up at my lips.
“Fucking hell, stop that-” I stepped back again but she clung to me in a way that made me want to give up on trying to be chivalrous in any way. It felt like my soul was leaving my body with every inch of distance I placed between us.
“Alex we can’t do this, I can’t do this. You’re way too drunk-” I felt a part of me break as I attemped to rebuild my armour from it’s dismal remains.
“Stop saying that, I’ve only had like 2 drinks,” she pouted in front of me. Does she not understand what just happened? Does she not get the magnitude of how this will change everything?
“You’ve had 12,” I deadpanned and she blinked at me.
“You’ve been counting my drinks?” I shrugged and looked away, my mind once again going to escape escape escape. Although thinking of anything other than the feeling of Alex’s lips against mine right now was incredibly hard.
“12 is too many to have a…conversation like this,” I paused and looked at her meaningfully. “You want to talk we get breakfast tomorrow at Denny’s and we-” I paused as she stroked my arm, clearly trying to distract me, “talk.”
“You’re no fun,” she pouted again and I felt myself relax in her grip but quickly straightened up, taking another step back.
“Tomorrow,” I whispered before leaning down and planting a quiet kiss on her cheek, using her shock as a moment to escape through the gate and head down the road towards my dorm.
I could feel her gaze following me as my heart screamed at me to turn around, go back, bring her with you, be with Alex.
But my brain knew better, Alex was drunk. She wanted attention, wherever she got that attention didn’t matter. She felt abandoned by me so me giving her attention felt better than anyone else’s attention. Or she likes you back.
The thought pervaded my mind like a bright spotlight in my brain, it wouldn’t go away now that it was there. She likes you back, I couldn’t help the small smile that grew on my face as I trudged the empty campus streets, my only company the other stragglers coming to and from various parties.
Fuck, I need to talk to Cassidy, my phone was in my hand before I registered what I was doing and the SOS text was on its way to Cassidy’s phone.
I attempted to rake in lungfuls of campus air to try and clear the fog that felt less like it was alcohol related now and moreso that it was Alex related.
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okay if you made it down here, you're an absolute champ. let me know if you want me to post more from this story and give me your thoughts! all feedback welcome :)
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