I do way too much thinking when I'm alone. I put bad thoughts in my head which then puts me in a bad mood.
Most of these thoughts are about my boyfriend. The big thing I think about is if we ever broke up what would I do? I mean almost everyone experiences a horrible breakup in their life, but since he is my first real boyfriend does that mean we are destined to break up? Does your first love ever last?
I don't know what I would do with myself if we broke up considering I've spent almost 2 whole years talking to him everyday whether it be in person, on the phone, or through text.
He knows me better than anyone, and I'm so comfortable around him. I don't think I could ever open up to another guy if we did break up. He was just so patient with me, and he didn't give up on me when I barely talked.
For me, it hurt a lot when he was trying to get it in. We even did foreplay and used lube but couldn't get in it the first couple of tries. But that's the only part that hurt. Once it's actually in, it doesn't hurt anymore. Well, for me at least.
So last Monday, I got really drunk for the first time. It wasn't at a party. It was at home when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. My dad brought home some UV Blue, which is like my favorite strong alcohol. I know this isn't good parenting but he sold me the bottle for 5 bucks. My dad is an alcoholic by the way.
I took the bottle to my room and let my boyfriend have a shot because he had never had it before. He didn't really like it cause it was too strong for him. He only likes Corona and Mikes Hard Lemonade and is not much of a drinker, which I am glad so I don't have to worry about him getting drunk all the time like a lot of other guys our age. So since he didn't like it, I had the entire bottle to myself. By 9 that night, I had drank almost the entire bottle. But what I find weird is that I remember almost everything that I did that night, and I didn't throw up like a lot of people do when they get drunk for the first time.
And my boyfriend spent the night that night. We had sex before bed, and the next day he told me it was the best sex that we had together besides our first time. I guess I told him to go harder which I have never done before. Drunk sex feels really good.
But afterwards, he got annoyed with me because I kept saying and doing annoying things. And then I just started crying because he was kinda mad at me for being drunk. At first I was crying because he was mad at me but then I started crying about EVERYTHING. He laid down in bed with me and comforted me as I cried.
I told him that I was scared that I was going to lose him because he would get bored of me, I told him how I was jealous of his ex for being with him first, I told him how I was upset that he looked at other girls all the time, I told him that I thought I was ugly, I told him that no one like me because I was boring, I told him about the time my brother's friend touched me, and how I was afraid that I was going to be an alcoholic like my dad.
He told me that he wouldn't let me become an alcoholic, but I'm still kinda scared that I might. I mean the whole side of my dad's family is. And sometimes throughout the day, I just think about drinking. I told my boyfriend how I was afraid that I might lose my dad early because of his drinking habits and that I was jealous because his dad is healthy, and then my boyfriend started crying, which I didn't want to make him do at all. He cried and told me that he basically lost his dad when his parents got separated like three years ago. He rarely sees him anymore and I kinda felt like a dick for making him cry. The lights were out so I didn't really see him crying, but he was.
And then he brought up a more serious topic which he never really talked to me about before. He told me about how the little kid he used to babysit died. I guess he died while my boyfriend was watching him. My boyfriend was sleeping with his girlfriend and the little boy was up by himself. I guess the weight lifts that he had in the basement fell on him. He didn't die instantly, but I guess the weights damaged his insides and he died a couple of hours later. And my boyfriend feels terrible because he blames himself that he shouldn't have been sleeping. I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged him tightly and tried my best to comfort him.
And then after we were done talking, we fell asleep at like 1 in the morning. I had been crying for almost 2 hours. The next day he told me that I didn't need to be drunk to talk to him, but I just don't like talking about my feelings with others.
This night, even though I was drunk off my ass, made me realize how much I really loved my boyfriend. Sure, I get mad at him sometimes but I really do love him. He makes me feel loved.
YOU KNOW WHAT. I REALLY DO LOVE MILEY. IT’S RIDICULOUS ACTUALLY. BUT I’M NOT GONNA LIE IM VERY NERVOUS ABOUT TOMORROW BC SHE CHANGED ALOT THESE FEW MONTHS AND I’M VERY SCARED THAT I WON’T LIKE HER NEW SINGLE. BUT ON THE OTHER SIDE, I KNOW I WILL. I WILL CRY AT THE SOUND OF HER VOICE PROBABLY. IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS. I’VE WAITED THREE YEARS FOR A DAMN SINGLE AND I HOPE IT’S GONNA BE GOOD. I LOVE HER BUT I’M PRAYING THAT IT’S NOT TRASHY.
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