Whenever I thought about my future in Korea, I never imagined stuff like this. I could see it changed me a lot. Not only losing my life and friends, moving to totally new inviroment, but also my older brother. I could see the change wasn’t really a good one, but at least I became stronger (or... at least I thought so).
These days so many things happened. So many BAD THINGS happened. But it wasn’t anyone’s fault except... yeah, it was MY fault. Only MINE.
I had a good friend called Heesu, I tried my best to protect him because I knew his situation. I knew about his hard times and I wanted to be source of his strenght. But I failed. I misunderstood and that small minsunderstanding made him feel like I didn’t care about him. I was tired of explaining and instead of sharing my true feelings, I pushed him away from me. I told him to find better friends and I just agreed to everything he said. I don’t even remember what I agreed to. Probably that I never liked him? Who knows... But I miss him a lot.
I had a best boyfriend called Yuto, the best I could ever wish for. I could call it destiny? I never though we might end up together. We were totally different people, but the time we spent together was beautiful. I was never attracted to cute kind guys, but he made me very interested in him. I had so much fun provoking him and making him embarrassed. No matter how shy he was, he didn’t let me stop. And the most funny part? He was gay. He didn’t like girls, like... never. And guess what? He wasn’t disguisted by my body. Even though I was a girl, I didn’t have a d**k, he fell in love with my body as well. I was afraid, but we started to date. I thought it’s worth to try, if things go bad, we can always break up. We had the best vacation, we visited each other so often - making sleepovers, going to cafes or just for a walk, I got the best birthday gift from him as well. I love my doggy so much. And so, bad things happened again. No one is perfect, neither is Yuto. I was a lot moody and I sometimes didn’t like the way Yuto acted. I felt like he doesn’t understand some things about me and I felt like I am alone in that battle. During that time, we had the best sex I ever had in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have not many experiences. Yuto was my first guy, even though I was skilled in giving blowjob before. But that one night when we talked after few days full of argues, he wasn’t that gentle. Damn, he was so sexy, it was so dirty the way we did it and one round wasn’t enough. But I have to tell you, I still remember that night so well. I love his way to be romantic, but I got it the most of the time and this was different. So different from his personality. I knew he did it for me. Like almost all of the things he did that time. And I never told him how thankful I was for it. He tried to make me feel better, but it never helped. We ended up arguing - too often. Too often for me to handle it. I probably hurt him more than I realized that time. But I was the one feeling bad, hurt and alone. What an irony. I am so selfish, right?
And that’s when my biggest opportunity became...
I had a best friend called Jaebum. In the beginning, he was just another guy I flirted with but nothing ever happened between us except a hug and little peck (which happened later when we became so good friends!). I thought he is kind of weird and that we can’t get together well. As the time passed, we became very close. He was the one letting me stay over the night and get drunk as much as I wanted to. He let me cry out my heart and complain about how my life is unfair and how much I hate everything. He never told me what I did wrong, he just listened and was on my side. He was the first person I always texted or visited when I had problems. And one day, i realized, there is something more between us. My thoughts became crazy when I even sat next to him on the couch. I knew he is forbidden for me. I was taken. But as long as I didn’t do anything, it was just in my head. And no one knew about it. Only me. I was fighting it for a long time, but then another things happened. Jaebum had hard times too. He started to take drugs again and he told me about his plan to leave this school and go somewhere far. I knew he liked me. Not only my body, like most of the guys, he liked my personality too. And silly me, I kissed him. I was selfish once again. But I didn’t want him to leave. I cried that day, i got angry and i didn’t talk with him for a while. He invited me for a hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream and we watched Grinch. That jerk shoved into my cup and that chocolate ended on my tshirt haha.. He made me upset once again. I shouldn’t have drunk that day. But it always made me forget about my problems and I drunk like a crazy that day. Together with Jaebum. I didn’t care about anything anymore. After drinking few glass (maybe more than few) I agreed to play the ´Answer question or take off a piece of clothes´. And that’s probably when i made another mistake. Silly me, staying almost naked just with panties next to my totally naked hot best friend. But I didn’t do anything. Since I still felt bad, he offered me to tell me some stories. Silly me again, lying almost naked just with panties next to my tottally naked hot best friend. He confessed, telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loves my personality even thought it makes him angry so often. And we did it. It was the help of alcohol, but we did it. We slept together. And I know I did a bad thing, but I don’t regret this one. He made me feel better, he made me forget everything. And i felt good in that moment.
I am confused and stucked. I have no idea what to do. Jaebum is very busy these days, I only let him know that I told everything to Yuto. Yuto is heartbroken, he told me to leave. And I left. My diary is the only way to express myself. I have no one to tell what I did or how do I feel. I will be judged, some people might start hating me and there might be rumours. I will be okay. I am always ok. I just wish THEY will be ok. Please. Help me, anyone. Help them.
