“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't.”
—Joker (2019)
I guess the ultimate lesson I have learned from the film is that, more often than not--evil is created, not born.
You'll find that before Arthur Fleck is the Joker, he is first just Arthur Fleck. Human, broken, but human. You will see him do what he loves so much. You will see him chase his dream and you will see society reject him and beat him down trodden. You will even see him try to be understanding of such society--a society that can't be bothered to try for people like him--an outcast, poor and living with a mental illness on top of that.
You will see Arthur Fleck being driven to insanity and leaving destruction and madness in his wake. But I don't really think he single-handedly caused the chaos that broke loose in Gotham. He did lit a match that inspired such violence. The city was already this close to losing its grip, it just needed that one little push--and that is how Joker happened.
So, does the film glorify evil and inspire violence? Yeah sure, you can think that. But it is also just as important that we ask ourselves why this film is created in the first place and why it's so relevant. It's also important that we realize that if we put off empathy, we are unknowingly creating monsters.
Is being treated like shit an excuse to go on a shooting spree? NO. OF COURSE NOT. So what is society's excuse for being so cruel in the first place?
The last thing I expected from this movie is getting my heart broken. Everything's so painful to watch. I just can't help but root for Arthur Fleck not to lose his shit. But who am I kidding? I am watching Joker's origin. Now there's only accepting the fact that some people just do not get saved.
I would always wonder who can parallel Heath Ledger's Joker. Now I won't anymore. Both depictions are so valid, there really is no point comparing them. So go watch the movie. You can hate it and disagree with it or you can love it but it is a movie of utmost substance. You will learn from it. It is worth your time.
And Joaquin Phoenix. Just wow! Give that man an Oscar.
My journey started on April of 2016. Taking the licensure exam was pretty far down on my list. I wasn’t in my best state back then. Recurring depressive episodes, lethargy seeping to the bones, no motivation, no direction and a box full of self-hatred and angst on the side. I was frustrated of the fact that I am almost 21 but not killing it. I am working on a job I hate. Not doing anything remotely significant to kickstart a career. I was lost. I didn’t know what I want. And most of the time, I was just whining my guts out.
My cousin, a fellow psych major graduate, I heard had plans to take the boards. So I tagged along when she enrolled in a certain review center —RGO. (hello you guys!) I took a leap of faith and grabbed the opportunity as well. I didn’t have anything to lose if I don’t pass this exam, I thought. It was like, somehow, a first attempt to get out of my head and start making things happen for myself.
May 2016
I remember how I was laid off from the job I hated so much because I wasn’t performing. Not proud of this.
One day, I just showed up at work and after my shift, I was informed by my boss that that day was going to be my last day. I was kind of relieved when I heard the news because:
1) I did not know what the hell I was doing in that company.
If you are asking how this is relevant to this story, no this isn’t. I am just a fan of unnecessary prologues. OF COURSE this is relevant. The problems I encountered involved ROLE AMBIGUITY, to start with. Most of the time I am given no task. If I was given any, I am tasked to wipe the window, sweep the floor and even make coffee. Now, this is not how I imagined it was gonna go. I did not sign up for this. I was feeling very small every time and somehow, I felt like it was way below me. I get the “no job is beneath you” notion but there are hired housekeeping trainees for that.
2) My pay is below minumum (and for the next 7 months, I will still be on probation)
“Art. 281. Probationary employment. Probationary employment shall not exceed six (6) months from the date the employee started working, unless it is covered by an apprenticeship agreement stipulating a longer period. The services of an employee who has been engaged on a probationary basis may be terminated for a just cause or when he fails to qualify as a regular employee in accordance with reasonable standards made known by the employer to the employee at the time of his engagement. An employee who is allowed to work after a probationary period shall be considered a regular employee.”
Major red flag. To make the story short, the experience taught me a lot. The company also reminded me, and will forever remind me of what kind of company and manager I should /NEVER/ be. Mind you, it helped me tick off a lot of wrong choices on the board exam (Industrial/Organizational Psychology). Haha!
But the thing is, I was still under-motivated. I was still lethargic. I still felt lost and still sad. The journey wasn’t the problem at all. Sure there was a financial issue since I was jobless but luckily I got a position as a part time ESL teacher to cover for my review sessions’ expenses and the registration for the licensure. Apart from that, there was the whole “I’m not ready,”, “I’m not sure if I want this,”, or “If I fail this test, I will lose it and I will sink further in to misery,” thing. And it was eating away at me. This had cost me a lot of review sessions. I was practically giving up. Instead of attending the sessions, I was spending and investing my time and emotions on KDrama nonstop and cyberstalking the much more successful people my age who had it figured out. I was practically living in the virtual world. And if I wasnt, I’ll be asleep. Ghad, I loved sleeping so much. It was a full-blown, unhealthy, procrastination.
August 10, 2016.
Filing of application for the boards’ deadliest deadline. You see, only the people I am living with knew that I was gonna take the boards. No one from my alma mater and from my family back in town knew what I was up to. It’d hurt less if just a few people knew I failed, right? With failing as an option, was I preparing to fail? Maybe.
So there I was, filling out forms and waiting on long queues. I almost gave up when I heard the person on the counter said, “Hindi nag submit ng list of graduates ang University mo.” OH SHOOT. So much for secrecy, huh. Maybe this is the universe telling me it’s not time yet. Maybe this is me and all my bad decisions, my procrastinating btch of an id, pouring and backfiring right in my face. But I’m a rebel. So fck you, universe.
I called one of my friends who happen to work in my alma mater to help me straighten this sht out. I was lucky. 15 minutes later, PRC received an email from my school. To make it short, I was able to apply for the licensure exam. This shit is happening, one way or another. Hell yas.
Looking back, I only had two painful full weeks to self-review. I stopped attending the review sessions. The notes, however, given by the review center were infinitely helpful in guiding me where and what to read. And since I won’t be able to read when I am commuting to work, I’d made use of Dana C. Leighton’s audio lectures on Abnormal Psychology.
I was cramming information in my head. 4 subjects, loads of books and review materials to cover. Two weeks. Do the math. To pass this exam, one must obtain a weighted general average of at least 75% for all subjects with no grade lower than 60% in any given subject. I was sincerely hoping, almost praying, that the amount of information I had in my brain would be enough.
Come August 30th and 31st.
I am not the sweaty type of person. And those two days would be the most memorable and would be my most sweaty days. Haha. That’s what happens when you slack off all the time. A bottle of water is hardly enough to make it through to item number one hundred. I was shookt and upturnt and drained out of my wits. Getting it over with was cathartic beyond expression.
September 6.
I was clueless the results had been out. I was walking along the Ayala Cebu grounds at 12 midnight, on the way home from my parttime work. I cooked dinner when I got home and was scrolling through twitter. And there, I saw a tweet containing the link of the list of passers with a BLEPP hashtag. I wasn’t ready for this! I clicked the link. A lot of thoughts running in my head. If my name isn’t on that list I would absolutely flip but maybe I would deserve it for not giving it all I’ve got. Maybe I deserved a metaphorical blunt force trauma to the head for procrastinating and crying over KDramas, feeling sorry for myself all the time and wallowing in being irrelevant to the cosmos.
I kept scrolling, my heart racing. It’s got to be the most thrilling midnight scrolling I’ll ever have in my entire existence. And I couldn’t believe, contain or explain in any words just how incredibly overjoyed I was when I found my name on the list. I did it. I did it! Until that moment, I never believed tears of joy could be real. But they turned out to be the most genuine tears a person could cry.
A year later
(2017)
Right now, I am working as a University Psychometrician in my Alma mater. Standing on a steady ground, a goal in mind and clearer path. Did my license redeem me? Did my license take away the sad in me? No. It didn’t. I am still a blue person alright. But I have learned my lesson. Never take opportunities for granted. Never give anything precious half of your heart because you will lose it eventually. I was lucky I was able to get away with it. But luck does run out, after that you are on your own.
