Why Are You Here

Boys are from mars. Thought purge zone. Brain sandbox. Do not interact.

[kittenslurpingmilk-deactivated2]

[mineallmjne]

Ten years. Ten YEARS. Of being unreliable. And now a little bit of effort. An initiated plan she actually followed through on. “I wanted to cancel everything else today but not this.” Gold fucking star, babe, you hung out with your friend. I know I need to be able to let it go. I know I’m stuck with her no matter what. I should be glad it’s getting better.

But I’m so fucking mad for my young self. Someone who thought they found a deep, forever friend. Who meant what they said, who was honest. And just got excuse after excuse if she was lucky, more often straight up ignored.

Insane praise in person. “I love you so much, you’re like seriously one of my favorite people to be around, [x] and I talk about it all the time.” “I told him YEARS ago that he should’ve picked you. I hated that other girl.” “I knew the whole time even when you thought you were sneaky.” You fucking lie. You’ll say anything to make yourself look better in retrospect. Blame your memory, blame your diagnoses, anything but taking responsibility for making people you call your ‘friends’ feel like shit.

I just don’t fucking believe you. And maybe one day, if this keeps up, if you actually choose to grow and change, I will. But hopes a knife I don’t like to play with. Not again, and not for you.

[disgustinggf]

have you ever liked someone on Tumblr?

this isn't a dating app (yes)

[mineallmjne]

Huge emotions today. Bigger than normal. Just constantly running from it all, trying to outrun the issue in hopes that it’ll go away. Looking pathetic in the process. And then I can’t even try to enjoy myself without being punched directly in the gut. Some warning may have been nice, but we don’t always get to be coddled, I suppose. I’ll just have consecutive breakdowns on the couch having what is effectively an out of body experience as a girl who is a version of me panics in the ways I’ve panicked, frozen in the ways I’ve frozen. To a soundtrack of some of my favorite artists. This is why I don’t fucking watch anything of substance anymore, because it just fucking hurts.

I’m so tired of this. If I feel I feel too much. If I don’t feel I’m a distracted mess. Where the hell is my center.

[mineallmjne]

God I whiffed that so fucking hard. Tried so hard to be pleasant and nice and make him feel good about it that I made myself look fucking pathetic. Held zero ground. What the fuck, C.

That has to be it, that has to be the last time. Never again will you embarrass yourself like that. Jesus fucking Christ.

FUCK

[mineallmjne]

[mineallmjne]

[mineallmjne]

And there it is. Worth the collision. Not worth the crash.

This is why I was so angry, this is what made me feel crazy. The high intensity into a vacuum

To feel that high into abandonment. Fuckin a.

[mineallmjne]

THEN YOU SHOW BACK UP

Just to show that you still look. That you want who I’ve become. Say it in a funny way. Tell me it’s hot.

Bait. On. A. Hook.

And I fall for it every time.

Should’ve waited 24 hours.

Should’ve not even logged in.

I fucking knew better and I did it anyway and here we are 🙂‍↕️

[tenderlypressed]

[mineallmjne]

Do you hold yourself back from reaching out?

Do you relive old conversations?

Do you hear my voice in your head?

Do you write about it?

Do you wonder what it would be like if we could’ve given it a real shot?

[mineallmjne]

‘Just know that ghost thinks of you too ❤️’

I will throw myself off of a building

Imagine how much shit he scrolled through on both blogs that’s so fucking obviously about him

I cannot

I want to run right back to him

I’m even typing like him

Fuck me so heavily

[mineallmjne]

I MISS GHOST this is so fucking annoying

Like. When he was around and accessible, it was terrible!!!!! He was so inconsistent and I always felt like I was on an island. But that last talk. I just wish it had been longer. I wish we’d covered more. I wish I’d let him back in. Especially now that the chaos has returned to a degree. Much, much smaller degree. Kind of. Post double bridge burn and double dip I’m mostly normal. I just miss ghost. And like a very obnoxious amount that is not going away. THIS IS SO ANNOYING

[mineallmjne]

[peachjuiceretriever]

"so how did you two meet"

she messaged me on tumblr and we became obsessed with each other literally immediately and now we are bound by the red string of fate

[mineallmjne]

[mineallmjne]

.

[mineallmjne]

I forgot how much April hurts. The 10 year anniversary of T’s death today and J’s birthday in a week.

Everything’s flaring. Food makes me wretch. I’m not sleeping. I’m spiraling mentally. I really don’t see a way out of this that will last, or won’t feel like a different cage.

Fuck this. I’m so tired.