marriage: a brother’s perspective (part i)
some tips from a brother for the brothers who are looking to get married in the near future:
finances: do not take this lightly. as much as money is not the main aspect of marriage, but it is a significant variable in the world we live in as the dunya lives off it; and it is 1438 AH; brothers, nor sisters are built the way they used to be two generations ago; we seek comfort, and as much as we say we want to be satisfied with little, very few of us can handle it; finances play a big factor in the early stages of marriage especially; there is the mahr to pay; there is the walima to set up; the place to rent; the people to feed; the first & last month’s rent; internet; her cell phone bill; your cell phone bill; electricity; heat; water; renter’s insurance [if the area you live in forces you to have it]; moving to a new place is not as simple as brothers often think; many of us do not realize the variables involved. think about this: near every single element of your present house will need to be duplicated in the near future: from the kleenex box, to the paper towels, to the towels, to the mats on the floor, to the kitchen utensils, to the food containers, to the chairs and tables, to the lightbulbs, to the face-creams and lotions, to the shampoo and conditioner, to the salt and pepper, to the bookshelf; to the mattress, to the toothpaste, and the list goes on. at your parents house perhaps everything that was there was sufficient for everyone to live off of; but remember you are now living separately, you cannot share those things. nor can those in your parents’ household use what you take from there. everything needs to be purchased again. your parents fridge was full; now you need to have those same things in your fridge stocked; many people overlook this. and these things add up. pay attention to this. all of this along with the gas money for your car; this is not easy brother. save for this. have at least a few months of money saved so you can have a smooth first few months; the last thing you want is to go back to living at your parents’ and her at her parents because you did not plan for your expenses properly. even if you cannot afford anything else, at least try to get a few months rent + bare necessities. even if you sleep on the hardwood floor. at least if you have fights with your spouse, it will remain in between the walls, and you will resolve them in between those walls and no one outside it needs to know about it. even if you live in a small studio apartment in the ghetto, at least you two have your own place to build your family in it at your own privacy; the last thing you wish is for both of you to be forced to live at your parents and give her an uncomfortable start to your marriage. it is not easy for brothers, brother. someone us had to learn this point the hard way.
respect the sisters who are willing to live with you at your parents house; not every sister is wiling to do this in 1438 AH, especially in the west. and it is her right that you provide her with her own place. so if she is willing to give up that right of hers to make things easier on you even temporarily, then at least be grateful and show her your gratitude, because this is a difficult thing to do for sisters. there can only be one queen in the house, and living with a mother-in-law is difficult, no matter how amazing we hold our mothers to be. women, at the end of the day are emotional beings; each of them have times of the month where they are more emotional than other times; a woman desires her own place, her own privacy where she can have things her own way; where she can decorate her house her own way without judgment from others; where she can dress in comfortable clothes in the presence of her husband, and speak comfortably in the presence of her husband without fearing being overheard by the most biased individuals in the house: your family. this is difficult for her. put yourself in her shoes. if you were to move in her parent’s house, how would you feel? if you wanted to sleep in one day because you were feeling lazy, would you be comfortable doing it at the expense of her mother passing judgment on you? or her father who is a hard-working person and gets up early in the morning wondering why his daughter married someone like you who wakes up so late? this is how uncomfortable it feels my brother; so it is difficult for your wife to do the same; so if your wife does give up her right to having her own place, then show her you are thankful and that you appreciate she is willing to make things easy on you. and be indebted to her, because this was a big sacrifice she made for you.
in-laws are difficult. especially your own family. you yourself know your family the best. you have grown up with them your entire life. you know their strengths and you know their weaknesses. you know the things you dislike about them. but your wife, who has just met them does not know any of these things. and eventually everyone’s character will show no matter how much they try to bury it and decorate it with that which is not themselves. if you had to be patient with them for this many years, then surely your wife will have to be patient with these same flaws too because these character flaws will not disappear just because you got married. so you my dear brother, will have to manage and you will have to be patient with your family and your wife at the same time. you will have to be your wife’s teammate and look at your own family objectively; when you are around your family, especially around your mother, put yourself in the mindset of your wife and watch out for any remarks and statements that might be misconstrued from either side. something that your mother may unintentionally say that your wife would take the wrong way but would keep silent about it, or vice-versa. perhaps there is a language barrier, and perhaps your mother says something that did not translate properly into english, something harmless, but it was taken the wrong way, or it came out the wrong way. be there for your wife. and be there for your mother. maintain her honour, and maintain her honour. you my brother, you will have to be the one to keep the peace. in-laws are difficult, especially if you marry from a different culture. as a wise student of knowledge once told me, “you see your in-laws once a week just for a few hours. be patient for just those few hours.”
keep your problems to yourself. no one should know about it. if something happens between you and your wife, no one else should see it. your parents should only ever hear good things about your wife, and nothing should be said that would make her look bad. this means you have to be willing to take an L for her. if you are ever upset with her, do not show it. all it takes is one time for you to slip up, and your parents will be worrying about your relationship. they will wonder if your wife is treating their son well. and every time they see her, they will have bad thoughts about her because of that look that was on your face that one time. if you really ever do need to talk to someone about something your wife did, then tell her parents. keep a close relationship with her parents. her own parents has dealt with her flaws their whole lives, so they will know this is not anything new. but if you told your parents, then they will be biased towards their son, and they will let their overprotectiveness of you cause them to look at your wife differently.
let it go; the first few months of marriage are the most difficult; if you have siblings, then you know how many fights you two had; you know how many times you disliked each other; you grew up with them all your life, and yet you grew up in the same house and ate the same food, under the same parents, with the same kind of upbringing and discipline…yet after all this you and your siblings often never got along; then what about someone completely foreign? someone who perhaps grew up in a completely different upbringing? someone who’s perhaps from a different culture? someone who you just met a few weeks ago? someone whom you are still learning about? someone who is still learning about you and does not know they can trust you like they can trust their own siblings? how many more arguments are you bound to get into? this is natural. prepare for this for your first few months of marriage. but this is just part of the process. don’t let arguments linger. argue, then dust it off and keep it moving. one of you has to be the bigger person. sometimes it should be you, and sometimes it might be her. sometimes you will be right, and you will be apologizing just to keep the peace. sometimes she will be right yet she will be the one apologizing to keep the peace. whatever the argument is, figure out the solution and shut it down. the worst arguments are those that are sequels to previous ones because the previous arguments were never resolved. these are the toxic ones. these are the things that destroy marriages; if the argument involves outside parties, such as in-laws, then figure out a solution together, as a team. as husband and wife. do not let outside variables destroy the inner harmony in your marriage.
you are the man. this means your wife obeys you in that which is permissible. this is the kind of wife you should seek. this is difficult in 1438 AH with the rise of feminism and gender-equality. but do not take advantage of this, nor abuse it. and most certainly use it wisely. with great power comes great responsibility. just because she should obey you, does not mean she is not a human being. just because you should obey your parents did not mean you always obeyed them your entire life. perhaps sometimes she will object. but you are the man. you are from a gender who are less emotional, so take advantage of this. be strategic. just because you have power does not mean you should always use it. use it when you have to, and use it when it is necessary, and use it with wisdom. do not use it for every small little detail. use it occasionally so your wife understands that in this situation, unlike others, you as the man, as her husband, have made the decision for them, and the fact that you do this occasionally in contrast to much of the time will hint at the fact that you are serious about it. and at the same time, give your wife some things that is hers and she make decisions over. certain things in the house, even if they fall under your power, there is no necessity to use it there. the colours of the curtains; the place where the chairs will be placed; how things are organized; these are all hers; if she makes decisions in these, do not object. what is the point of you objecting? why create conflict for no reason? you have authority over that which you require authority over; use your ‘aql alongside your rights.
show your appreciation; perhaps you do not realize it, but being a housewife is not an easy task; as a man, work is not easy; but being stuck in a house alone behind four walls waiting for her husband to return is not easy either; especially for those who have no family around because they moved across the world for you; perhaps one day she will spend a few hours catching up with her friends on the phone; and her parents and family; but then she will be alone; she will spend time cleaning the house, making the bed, preparing your food, washing your clothes, drying your clothes, benefiting herself and preparing herself so she looks good for you; this is not easy as you think it is; do not forget to show her your appreciation.
gifts: even if it is a piece of chewing gum; even if it is just a random fast-food you bring home; even if it is a chocolate bar she likes; even if you are broke, and you can print out a love poem in black and white; do something; if not every day, every few days just to show her you still think about her and want to make her happy.
personality: when seeking a wife this is what you focus on; someone with a strong deen; with a strong foundation; with good character and manners; beauty will fade, or it will disappear even while being there; how? do you remember the first time you picked up your smartphone? remember how excited you were? remember its beauty? how fresh it looked? how excited you were to use it? yet look at it now. even if you cleaned it up, that excitement is no longer there. the more time that passes, the beauty fades even if the appearance remained constant. that which you once found beautiful, you will get used to, and it will just exist. but good personality…this can only grow and blossom; good manners, you will never get used to this. you will never get used to walking into the house and your wife greeting you at the door with a smile. you will never get used to a warm hug; you will never get used to random love notes and a sense of humour that keeps you laughing; you will never get used to discussions that make your eyes light up and keeps you thinking about your conversations even when you are apart; this is how bonds are formed; this is how husbands and wives become lovers and lovers become soulmates;
intention: this is the most important thing of all of the above; every day that passes; every morsel of food you put in her mouth; every electricity bill you pay; every rent you pay; every blanket you put over her; every heat bill you pay for to keep her warm; every time you say something to make her smile; every time you lie to her and tell her her food tasted good even though you disliked it; every time you hug her though you are tired; always remember your intention; always remember:
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
And live with them in kindness. (Surah An-Nisa 4:19)
you married her for the sake of Allah; you married her as an act of worship; live with her in kindness; you put that morsel of food in her mouth, to live with her in kindness, so Allah عز و جل rewards you for it; you pay the rent to keep her sheltered, to live with her in kindness, so Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ rewards you for it; you lie to her and tell her she looks beautiful though her hair is a mess, to live with her in kindness, so Allah تَعَالَىٰ rewards you for it; you hug her though you are tired and you are affectionate with her to live with her in kindness, because Allah ordered you to do so…and you are obeying Him as an act of worship. always remember your intention my dear brother.
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