Being a transgendered woman I knew I could never mother a child. Although I was happy to be a married post-op woman, to have a husband in Jack that loved and accepted me as his wife, knowing I was a man. The thought of one day being a mother was a dream I think most transgendered women have.
Jack and I had wanted to adopt, although when some of the adoption agencies ran my records and found out I wasn't always a woman named Amanda, that I had once been a man named Adam prior to my transition, they turned us down.
After looking for months we finally found an agency that was ok with my being transgendered and after 2 months we were able to adopt a beautiful baby girl we named Emily.
In anticipation of the baby coming, I wanted to breastfeed, after discussing it with my Endocrinologist and our Pediatrician it was decided if I wanted to breastfeed, as a transgendered woman my estrogen level would need to be substantially increased.
When Emily came home I was ready, with months of increased estrogen in my system, my breasts had almost doubled in size. When I gave her my breast for the first time and she began feeding the feeling was almost spiritual in nature, I’d never felt more like a woman than I did right then.
I began crying as she feed off my breasts. This was as much a woman as I would ever become. There were many moments throughtout my transition that had made me feel more like a woman, my first time out as Amanda, when I felt my breasts coming in due to the female hormones, when Jack asked me out and even after I told him I was trangendered and he accepted me. After my sex change operation when I awoke to Jack on w knee asking me to marry him or when my father walked me down the aisle as a lovely bride to be married.
Yes there were many moments on my road to womanhood that made feel more complete as a female, but having Emily breastfeed trumped them all, being able to feed a child through the milk in my breasts made me feel so feminine and beautiful.
It seemed so long ago that I was that depressed boy named Adam, dreaming of one day being a wife and mother and now here I am, I’m her mommy and as I sit here feeding my daughter, I hope to be a wonderful, loving mother to her and help her to enjoy the wonderful joy of being a woman that I’ve come to know and appreciate.
