I need to wait for 13 days until this year is over. I wish it will over as soon as possible.It such a dead nightmare year for me! This year is full with failure, dead and sadness. From the beginning it is all about death! Maybe it is because of my lecture on Forensic Medicine, going to the postmortem, watching the doctors cut open people body, taking out all of the organs, heart, liver, stomach, brain, ,,,drilling on the body's skull.....erkkkkk. Is that ok ?
I do feel about death too on this year. Since I were losing my grandma. You want to know the feeling ? The feeling of losing someone you are really close and love ? The feeling that you know God will take the person you care too much ? I were feeled all of that for the first time. I just so sad. Everytimes I met with my grandma, I felt really sad. Just like tomorrow, there will be no hope for her anymore. And I just know about it 2 weeks before that. It just felt like she will be far away from me. Just like she will be taken by the HIGHEST. It was a strange feeling for me because I never felt something like this before. Yep, this is because I never lose someone that I really love and close too.
In case of finishing my study for my graduation day, I do need to complete all the final year project too. It was so wrong. A lot of things were not OK. Honestly, I felt like a BULLSHIT ! So many problem and just too much tired. I even didn't really think that I can complete all the tasks too. Thanks to my supervisor and her husband, they really helped me a lot and always by my side. Also, I not really stressful as the lab assistants in my university were such a friendly people. Especially one of the staff. I couldn't remember her name tonight. But, she helped me a lot with those items that I need for my project. She loves to smile and was a friendly one. But then, I heard from my friend on October that she already leaved us because of liver failure. I was very shocked about the news. It just happens just like that.....
Since I were already graduating on September but already finish school by August, I still couldn't find any job for myself. Feel free to get shocked because I still unemployed until now. I don't know on what happens on my 140 job applications. Only 5 of them who recalled me for the interview. However, due to the sick and death of my grandma, I couldn't go there....getting on the interview. You know, anything could happen if I were not with her on her last days of life. I were just always want to be by her side albeit I pretty much really really couldn't hold the responsibility to take care of her everydays, everytimes, everyminutes and everyseconds in the hospital. I am scared. I am so scared if I were wrong. What if I were wrong ? What if I were the reason she will be gone? I were really scared and freak out to take that responsibility. I didn't want to blame myself forever.
My failure keep beating me up until now. I were failed 2 times on my driving test. I never been a repeater. But, what was happen now, I were repeated my driving test. Last time I failed on the hill & today I failed on the 3 corners. I felt so much stupid. So much down. It was easy right ? I can do all of the challenges on practices but I can't on the test ? What ? Such a failure. I don't have any luck for the 2nd chance. It has been almost 2 years + since I were try to finish on my license. Due to so much delay to finish it before, so that, I try to finish it by this month. But still, I CAN'T ! I am so much dissappointed for myself. My dad need to paid for it. The price was so high and I also don't like the counter girl that I had an issue with her. She such a sarcastic person towards her customer. Especially with female. Such a bad service. I always hope she will be fired as soon as possible. I hate her. ....My dad is not a rich man btw and I keep lost so many times like this. STUPID! So much stupid.
I don't feel lucky at all this year. I don't think I will get the job that I were really want too. Going to the interview. But, I keep repeating wrong answers and I even can't speak English as fluent as I was. What a failure! Like they were asking me a lot of questions in Bahasa and suddendly just switching to English. I really have a language switching problem on my brain. Whatever, at least now I also know that I've having a driving difficulties on my brain. sigh..... I just hope that I will not see that JPJ guy who's already knows me. As he is the tester for my road driving test. But, this morning I meet him again on the hill challenge. Thank God, I've passed it(after 2nd chance). Unfortunately for me, I can't pass the 3 corners! HAH! I HATE THIS DAY. TODAY ESPECIALLY. I don't want to see him on my next test and he is there observing me again. OMG....I hate this!
So that, was all the conclusion that I can conclude for me this year. Being a final year student, separated from human friends(literally I don't have any friends in my home except my cats), grandma death, no job, no money, no driving license, no car, no man, no shopping, no smartphone (malfunctioned), no new clothes, no new studies, like.... NOTHING AT ALL except a family that always by my side. ummm...maybe I need to grateful for that. Cause you know me, never been a lucky lady. I got one thing, but at the same time, I also losing another things. Bad.
I wish that God will give me a love replacement. Like, someone who gonna love me forever. I never have that chance. I don't know why..... I've been broken like this for too long. I always hope that God will be pity with me. I just want to be a normal lady.