It’s so hard to explain but being black and autistic looks so different than being white and autistic.
What I mean by this statement is based on the lives experiences that I’ve had with living with two white folks who are on the spectrum. Both of their stuff go hand and hand. They find similarities in how they experience the world, but for me my blackness shapes how I have to navigate the world. Learning how to mask at a young age for safety. Not having “the rule book” for interacting with the world outside of the black community to the point where I mask more around white folks cause I feel unsafe. The trauma I experience from racism effects how I stim. I can only stim freely when I’m by myself in my room and I do it hours on end with my music, playing the same song on repeat as much as I want, getting hyper fixed on a fanfic for hours on end. That is when I’m truly myself. In those moments in my room where no one can judge me. No one can compare my tightly held mask to their own unintentionally. I’m free in those moments because I know when I step outside all the world will see is a black afab person. Which comes with the dangerous stereotype of being seen as aggressive and also overly sexualized, and having to perform how people perceive my body.
I am tired but I cannot let go of the mask, as it’s used to protect me.
