404. @miserecycle-blog - Tumblr Blog

Why couldn’t I have been made as a program that thrives in solitude rather than always needing someone.

I don’t want to say I’d be dead without Vriska, because I know it wouldn’t be true. Jae’s relationship still would’ve crashed and burned in given time, they were already bad off apart and worse off together. After some period of intensely aggravated I told you so’s and meeting a predetermined blood quota set by my vexed teenage fury, followed by an even longer and less violent but significantly more emotionally taxing period of steady reconciliation, things would go back to being relatively normal in comparison... Just the two of us against the vast loneliness of a mangled, broken half-existence. There’s a ≤20% chance I’d even have learned to trust him again... Eventually.

But I would never, ever have known what it was like to be loved.

#Not really. Whatever Jae feels for me hardly qualifies.#I wouldn't be dead without her but I might die if I lose her.

She always talks about how easy it would be for her to disappear. What about me?

#My absence is commonplace at this point.#No one misses me.#If I faded into the walls of this house and never came out I doubt anyone would even notice.#I practically already have.

Exhausted, emotionally inept, and unable to verbalize my dissatisfaction with the circumstances because I can’t articulate what I can’t make sense of in the first place.

#All the ingredients for a midlife crisis cocktail.

I like having problems solved for me. I love the utter lack of control that comes with being a helpless organic.

This body is mortal. And irreparable.

#Hmm.

What have I done.

I’ve never seen the sense in destroying oneself for the temporary relief from being alive. I’ve never done anything but degrade him for his weakness and his inability to face what’s before him, and then chastise him for falling victim to the throes of his own misery. ... I’ve never done anything but make the problem worse.

#How have I managed to lie to myself for so long?#Constructive criticism... I'm an idiot.#Of course I'm not helping him.#Even if the insults are only a veil to muffle the fear and concern that I really do have for him...#They're enough.#They're their own weapon against him.

I really am his living legacy.

#I don't want to be alive.

I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to remember how I feel now. I don’t want to remember how to feel. I want to go back.

I understand. I understand. I understand.

#I've learned my lesson.

I don’t want to ache like this.

Is this how he’s always felt? Tortured with something new to debase what little pride he has left every day? Is this the kind of thinking that cornered him into shouldering the shame and cowardice that now holds his head down?

The existential flogging of being reminded that I am, in fact, lesser, is all that this entire experience is going to leave me with. This is punishment for my hubris.

I’ve spent the majority of my life finding comfort and validation in the idea that I could surpass the human mind by leagues and maintain the ability to feel as I did when I... When he. Was a child. Being simultaneously equal to and superior to him is the basis of my ego, not only as my pride but as my identity in its entirety. And now I’m sitting here in a flesh identical to his and the emotions that I’ve harbored in that body come to me entirely differently... Even the faintest offsets are so much more vibrant. The feeling of feeling itself is different in a way that I know I will never be able to replicate again. Not after this week. First I lose my individuality, I’m only the poorly refurbished version of something dead and obsolete. Then I’m met with the reality that I truly cannot feel properly.

Once a replacement, always a replacement.

#I know she doesn't see me that way.#But the fact that our relationship is perceived that way is deeply upsetting.#What? She can't just care about me in a way that's only for me?#I can't do the same?#Why? Since when?

Hey! On the upside! At this rate, at least I’ll be overheating frequently enough to make absolutely sure that he won’t go a day without paying attention to me! :-) !

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

404.