In every long term, serious as a perfectly-round-roti relationship, there will come two distinct moments.
The first; when you realise you’re falling for him, when you can use the facilities with the doors akimbo, and the fear of him not eating will lead to you experiencing a canon of strokes throughout the day. And how could I forget... The sudden urge to steal his hoodie will come over you like you've been possessed; and seeing his face in a crowd will send jolts down your spine. If you know, you know. There is absolutely no slow-burn sensation involved here my friends.
And the second moment either both, you encounter as a couple or on your own (depending on when) you’re faced with a single choice.
Is it all worthwhile in the end? It’s a tough call, and a lot of the stuff that charges this question comes from our bestest friend - fear.
Romantic fear in your twenties may seem like a wrecking ball's been swung at your face or a slow dunk into piranha infested waters. There's no way around it. Hit or miss, 50/50 doesn't always feel as reassuring.
All through my not-so-long-lived-life, I've heard a variety of stories; some that chill me to the bone upon reflecting on them. Tales of real relationships tested in the flames of what seems like Hades itself: cheating, mental health issues, pathological lying, normal lying, loss of attraction, falling out of love and just boring unhappiness.
All my friends and acquaintances that I've been so lucky to have been a part of their lives - especially through their relo-turmoil, have taught me the majority of what I know now.
I remember a while back thinking "Gee, from everything I've seen and heard, I'm basically a walking relationship self-help book!"
Well, maybe not that exactly, but you know. I felt that chuffed about myself all way up until I encountered some of those difficulties myself.
And OH the PAIN. I'll say this once, everything you thought you know about love and commitment is basically nullified once it morph's into this ache that even a block of Koko Black's Pistachio 75% dark chocolate doesn't take away.
It's an interesting feeling, pain. Each of us feels it so differently, yet we describe it using the same words. I want everyone who's going through something similar to know, it's okay.
What you're feeling is valid for right now, try feel it in its wholeness if you can. Break a plate, write a bunch of illiterate poetry, FaceTime your mates until it drives them crazy, make plans, really look at yourself in the mirror - and recognise that love starts with you.
I was scrolling through the very depths of my bad habit - Instagram, until I ran into something useful; A list of poets and philosophers and their views on relationships. Curiosity will always lead you to places you've never thought, and this wasn't any different.
I looked into Henry David Thoreau, and discovered a quote that will stay with me and my un-tamed ego until the end of my days;
"The heart is forever inexperienced"
We all want to know. Knowledge can feel like the currency of love, but in all truth - we're all walking in blind, feeling at the walls that surround us for direction.
We lose our footing sometimes, we make mistakes - but in those moments it's important to recognise/realise your humanity, that although you're strong and competent - there's always room for learning.
Right now your relationship may feel like an endless 9am ZOOM lecture (espesh with those COVID restrictions) but if you really believe in something, and trust not only him but yourself - there's a lot you can achieve in this lifetime kids.
You may lose momentum, but hold on to your hope. Godspeed.
