who is she

24, trans, gay

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now is as good a time as any to give a life update to you all, right?

it’s been just over a year now since a moved to chicago. six-ish months since my last update i think?

i have casually dated a few people since then, none really having the spark i needed to convince myself to stop being single. i met some really cool people, but it just wasn’t what i wanted with them. a few of them had too many serious feeling too soon, which scared me off too.

but recently, like the past 3 months, i’ve been talking to and seeing this girl, and she’s been really exciting. she’s so funny and a good energy to have around. we’ve had a few difficult moments, some being really close to making things not worth it, but i think i have a warped sense of thinking about how relationship should be, considering my last one was extremely easygoing and we never had arguments. it really puts into perception how good that relationship was and how lucky i was to be able to experience that. it’s set a precedent for what i want going forward. and so now, in the early stages of a new relationship, i’m grateful i can look back at my last one and feel good about it.

otherwise, i’m still at the same job, living a pretty normal life. i started therapy again, this time with a trans therapist, and it’s been good so far to communicate my issues to someone who gets it. i also started voice lessons, so i can finally stop being dysphoric about that. and i’ve also been thinking a lot about srs lately. i used to be really against it, saying i was okay with my body, but the truth is more that i put up with my body because the thought and uncertainty of surgery scares me.

one step at a time i guess

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not sure how many people are on here still, or if anyone checks this at all, but i’ve made an only fans about a month ago and it’s been doing well, and for those of you who supported me before on patreon, feel free to join me there!

https://onlyfans.com/ms_samalander

OnlyFans

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so, kinda had a shitty past two weeks. and that means it’s time for you queers to hear about it.

i matched with this girl, and we immediacy hit it off. we texted back and forth, nonstop, for the whole time. and we had such deep and stimulating conversations, it was truly one of those rare tinder matches you find maybe once in ever couple hundred matches. she was gorgeous, interesting, shared my sense of humor, had a lot in common with me, everything i could imagine.

i eventually told her i was trans, and i was terrified of her response. but her response was simply the most accepting and appreciative i’ve ever received from someone. i felt like i struck gold. and so we continued to grow and bond before making plans to meet up. unfortunately, those plans got postponed because her work as a feeelance videotographer is unpredictable and she had to work longer than expected.

then we agreed to meet up this week. we decided since we got along so well, we’d be quarantine buddies for 5 days and just connect. i was seriously open to a serious relationship with her, something i haven’t let myself feel since last summer. we talked on the phone for hours, we made jokes, sent pictures, it was perfect. the beginning of something good.

yesterday, the day we were supposed to meet, she ghosts me and blocks me. which really fucked me up. i NEVER let myself be vulnerable with people. i’ve had 3 or 4 girls confess their feelings to me in the past few months and i had to turn them all down because to me, it was just casual. but this was different. i allowed myself to dream. and i got hurt. and since then i keep relapsing into feelings of what if, and just crying.

today, i found out some interesting things. my friend got tinder gold just to look in my area and see what she could find, and she saw this girl. which would be fine normally, except i asked her about a week ago why she unmatched me, and she told me she deleted the app. so she unmatched me a while ago and lied about it. she also gave me her insta, but never allowed me to follow it, which was suspicious.

and now i have no idea if she’s real and an asshole, or fake and doesn’t exist, but i’m still hurt over it. a lot. i don’t know what to do. but fuck, this hurts.

and isolation doesn’t help

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why is it that doing the right thing hurts more than the alternative?

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i’m thinking about her a lot less now. i’m not jumping at every opportunity to send her a text. i’m not wanting to tell her every little thing that’s going on. there’s even been a few big things i’ve been able to deal with myself and didn’t feel like i had to tell her.

but then these little things make the feelings rush back. hearing her voice on her social media stories, seeing her picture, or just random memories we have together and the things that trigger them to come up again.

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it doesn’t help the girl she’s seeing now is one of the girls i went on a date with while i was in brazil.

i fucking introduced them.

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two and a half years ago, i lived in a new town. i knew no one there, but managed to make one friend. she was a girl, trans, just like me. and we got along well. exceptionally so. so for the whole summer, we hung out every weekend and multiple times during the week. and i fell in love with her. it took me a few months to realize it, but i told her my feelings and she didn’t feel the same. and it strained the friendship. we remained friends for a couple more months, until i realized i wasn’t losing feelings. that, mixed with some other things in each of our lives, caused us to stop talking. and we didn’t talk for two years, minus a short interaction six months in that ended worse than where we were. it took those six months for me to stop loving her. to stop thinking about her every damn day. and to do that, i lost an incredibly meaningful friendship.

this summer, i move to chicago, by myself, and didn’t know anyone there. until i met a girl. and i felt so lucky to have made such a good friend so fast. until we realized we were attracted to each other, and started seeing each other casually. after a while, she told me she loved me, and i felt the same way. and it was nice. we spent almost every day together. we were inseparable when we could be together. but she had to move back to her home country, back to brazil. and her feelings went away, but mine stayed. i tried to ignore them, i mean, she’s 5000 miles away, why would i still have hope? but it didn’t work. i even went all the way to brazil to visit her again. just to see her, cause i was still in love with her. but it reached a breaking point recently. she started seeing someone, and i couldn’t be happy for her. i felt like the worst friend in the world. i wanted her to be happy, as long as it was with me. but it’s just not realistic. and so i need to fall out of love with her, but i don’t know how, without ruining the relationship.

no more summer feelings for this dumb bitch

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i’m in love with a girl who’s 5 fucking thousand miles away and i can’t do anything about it

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i went on a first date last night with a girl i was really enjoying talking to. we were supposed to meet saturday but decided to move it up because we were getting along so well, and really wanted to meet each other.

a few hours before going to her city, i told her i was trans and she seemed pretty okay with it, which was good. i was really hopeful that this would be a good encounter to maybe start something more frequent.

we went out to dinner and came back to her place to hang out, and we just laid on her couch and watched tv and talked, which i enjoyed. but then she got obsessed with finding a specific line in one of the books we had talked about earlier, and spent like 45 minutes going through the ENTIRE book just to find it. while i was just kind of sitting there. like?!?

and then after she found it she spent most of the rest of the time on her phone, which was equally annoying. i couldn’t really talk to her, get to know her, anything. aside from a couple minutes of kissing and cuddling, nothing of any worth happened.

i really want to like her. i really do. she seems cool and interesting, and before we met she was completely enamored by me. she’s the one who wanted to meet me so bad and was really just giving off vibes she liked me a lot.

today we haven’t really talked, just a “thanks for last night” and a “you too” type message.

sucks to get your hopes up, but it sucks even more not getting a reason why

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how am i supposed to know the version of me in 10 years will still be comparable with the version of someone else in that amount of time? people are constantly changing, and it’s scary to think that just the constant evolution of time can pull you apart even when nothing’s wrong with the restionship. how are you supposed to be sure your person is the person? how?

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called an auto store to make an oil change appointment and got called sir so that’s cool. remind me to actually try voice training again

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you ever look at one of your past hookups and wonder how the hell you managed to convince them to sleep with you?

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i recently met this girl, and we’ve been hanging out and talking a lot lately. and i was really beginning to like her. one of the few in the past couple months i would consider slowing down with and seeing what happens.

i told her i was trans on our first date and she still wanted to continue seeing me. she seemed okay with it. we didn’t hook up that night, and i assumed it was because she wanted to take it slow. so when i stayed the night it was all very pg-13, which i was more than happy with.

i hung out with her this weekend, and we were snowed in for the most part. as things continued she kinda froze up and any physical stuff was sidelined pretty quickly. but i gave her some space to work things out, keeping it pretty platonic. i spent the night.

the next day we talked, and she expressed negative feelings about me being trans, despite liking who i am as a person and potential partner. she said she would only want to limit things to “lesbian” activities, specifying that she isn’t comfortable with my genitals. and that hurt. like, everything else is perfect except for that one thing. and it’ll never be enough.

she wants to keep seeing each other, but i don’t know if i can. i like(d) her a lot. being trans sucks

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I hate how others hate my body

as a trans person, it’s very much expected that i have massive genital dysphoria. luckily, for me, that’s not the case. i’m not exactly thrilled of my genitals but i’m not breaking down at the thought of them either. and so i live my life regardless of it. i hope that people judge me based on my personality and self, and not just one part of my body. i’ve learned to accept who i am for the most part.

but there are some people who reduce me to my genitals. everything i am revolves about what is in my pants, and it’s so so so shitty. how one part of me can change how someone sees me. i’m more than my genitals. i’m more than my body. but some don’t believe that.

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whenever i meet someone i truly like, i always seem to end up ruining it. the past couple of months there have been a few girls i’ve met and had a really good time with, only for things to suddenly end. usually a mix of i’m either trying too hard or not enough. is it purposeful self sabatoge? or just imcompatablity? it’s so hard to say. but i hope i don’t mess this one up

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i still sleep with it. a stuffed animal an exgave me. but it’s not about her, or at least it isn’t anymore. it’s a thing of comfort. being able to hold it in times of loneliness and maybe not feel so lonely. it helps.