Welcome to Where the Universe Takes Me @miss-irin-blog - Tumblr Blog

A Single View (Part 1)

(I found this still of the draft..I dont remeber why but I think it's worth to Post)

Learning from Experience is not always come from adventure, vacation, job, relationship. After 1,5 years being single I realize life do giving me experience that I can learn. It’s not about justifying my status of being single, its about what I got from being single. After all, I never feel my single-ness caused me unhappiness. This are the Single Phases that I have experienced and I feel blessed to have experienced them cause not all people do.

1. The Dark and Twisted Phase It is the moment after I broke up. My whole life feels like falling apart. Fighting the urge to contact my ex when I missed him badly. Mellow and dramatic, specially when seeing a romantic couple. Fragile, Hurts, sadness, adapting to new situation and life without my better half.

2. Acceptance This is the time when the dark cloud begin to fade away, the rational part of this brain started to take over. I began to realize and seeing the realistic fact about the past relationship. Playing it inside my head to see what has happen, why. Not in emotional way but logical. The most important is accepting the fact that I am on my own and a new journey is waiting in front of me.

#complicatedminds complicatedmind latepost

Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours

This is not a vow, this is not a promise, this is just a description of me, what can be expected from me, and how I wanted to be treated.

I'm not your mother who can take on every tantrum and every sh*t then forgive you in a blink.

I'm a human with feelings even though I sometimes I tend to hide it. I'm not a person who raised you or grows up with you that you can expect to understand everything about you. I'm a stranger who happen to find you and decide to grow old with you.

I'm not your paid maid who you can order or tell me to do things or to serve you as you are my master.

I'm a person who need someone to take care of me as you are a person who also need to be taken care of. I'm your partner as you are my partner. I care about you and willing to take care of you with all my capabilities but never to take me for granted and demean me.

I'm not a fan of bunches of children. I do want to have children. But never said it's MY children

I will do my part to be the one who carried them for 9 months, and raised them. Remembering it is an adult rational decision to have those children between you and I, the responsibility must also be shared. It is not only MY children, it is also YOURS so never said it is mine or yours because it it OUR children.

I'm may not become a 24 hours housewives or dealing with domestic stuff for 24 hours. I may assigned other to help me in domestic part and need to share some part to raise OUR children with my partner.

During the day I may be busy with my career or business and may not be physically there with our children. I'm a hardworking person who believe in dreams and to pursue it as we live. Of course, I will put my family first on my priority, sacrifices must be made, decide wisely on difficult choices. OUR children may not see me physically during the day (virtually perhaps through video call thanks to high technology) but I will make everything I do meaningful and give our children the real example that they can reach their dreams as I successfully reaches mine.

Even though we are together, we do find comfort in each other at the end of the day, there will be easy times and tough times where the comfort may not enough and I may not have all the answers.

No matter how difficult the situation is, I am the partner who will always support you on your tough times, to support your action and decision for the sake of our family.

Above it all, my demands and expectation from YOU is quite simple.

Love come and goes, You are not my Father who can love me unconditionally without any infidelity issue. You can really love me but there are times where you can also hates me, and perhaps other women that can attract you more than I do. But YOU have commitment with me, for all I know is that you must stick to the responsibility of that commitment whether love still around or not, cuz I believe love can be grown from time to time.

No matter how independent I am, how strong I can take on the world alone, how confidence I am to live on my own foot. You will always be there to protect me from in this world. To protect, not to posses, to take me as you're responsibility to be taken care of, without taking my independence away.

#complicatedmind #complicatedminds latepost

Expect the Unexpected

Caught up in the marriage life takes all my time to update this tumblr. It’s almost 6 months since our wedding and so many things happened. I changed my career life, K-Man having HNP (severe low back pain), and the most wonderful thing is that K-Man and I are expecting a bambino.

Yes, a baby is on its way right here in the oven around 17 weeks. Its surprising actually to have baby this fast. On November 2012 I remember my rave party in an island at Karimun Jawa, dancing and drinking, without even crossing in my mind that in another year I will be a pregger, then next year hopefully feeding the baby.

I found out about my pregnancy 2 months after our wedding while the fetus is around 4 to 5 weeks. We cannot see the fetus yet at that time and no heartbeat yet only the tiny pocket that protect the fetus. At that time we decided to keep it both to our self until we see the fetus is alive with good heartbeat. Kman and I were surprised and speechless when we heard the test result, the doctor who delivered the news seemed more excited than us. It’s not that we are trying to postpone having a bambino we just didn’t expect it happen so fast.

Before we got married we already have multiple conversations and already thought about the timing to have a baby which a rational decision is made: Just let the universe decide. At the beginning I was more towards to postpone the baby, let both of us settled first around 1 year to enjoy just us two and to be more ready financially ad mentally for a baby. Meanwhile Kman does not want to postpone because settling and being ready is just unmeasurable and what happen if we’re not ready, how long it should be postpone meanwhile he really do looking forward to have mini me or him.

There is this one thing that Kman said to me during our discussion that made me think: Why should we over think on timing we should have a baby when this baby is something that is not within our reach, we can only pray and work to make it happen but it is not within our power to have it happen, it’s just something we have to let go let God do its work and decide if we are worthy enough to become a parents or not.

Then I realized, having a baby is just like finding your soul mate, why bother setting target on when to get marry when you’re still single, if its not meant to be, then its just not meant to be. I’ve seen friends and relatives for their effort to have baby. There are couple that postpone the pregnancy and when they decide its time its just not that easy, they’re going from one doctor to another. It also happen with couple that really keen for baby right away after they get married which took time, effort and money to expect pregnancy. Meanwhile that are also couple that having pregnancy unexpected because it happened during the program to postpone. Also others that have miscarriage.

So it comes o our decision that we will not use any protection and will not do any attempt to prevent pregnancy. For Kman he will just let go, not pushing around to have a baby as soon as possible and not to stress out trying to have it. And for me, I stopped my casual wine, projecting positive attitude towards being ready anytime I’m pregnant and believe that’s when God has trusted me to become a mother, it will happen.

It’s a good thing for me because I’m more concern in my health and not feeling unprepared for the pregnancy. If its meant to be, no matter what kind or protection we used it will just happen and I don’t want to be feeling not ready for a blessing to come (wonder how much guilty I would be if I found out I’m pregnant after having bottle of wine on the night before). Financially we’re both doing quite well, we may not yet provide home but we can still afford food, milk, diapers and all baby’s basic needs. Home and other stuff hopefully will come along with persistence and hard work.

Material matter such as home, money, can still be reached out but another life human being is entirely different. So for both of us this is the best decision that suit us. Other couple might have different opinion and decision. Each has it’s own advantage and disadvantage. There is no bad or worst, its just different. Whichever suits any couple to balance their life are always the best decisions. Also belief that God knows best, no matter how much I think I’m not yet a mother material but God trust Me and Kman to become the caretaker and protector for this baby during the time in womb and hopefully when it’s arrive to this world. Hopefully this baby will be in health, prosper and genius.

#complicatedmind

The Beginning in the End

Woow, its been so long since my last post in Tumblr. So much has happen since August 2012. Lets have the highlights of what has been going on:

August after Idul Fitri, got a surprising visit of Kman and His family which begin everything

September, hhmm not much that I can remember

October, just ordinary days for me, office, after work dating or hangout

November, partying on the beach at Pulau Tengah, Karimun Jawa

December, surprise surpriise, I'm engaged at the end of the year.

Seems like August, November and December might need space of their own to tell its own story..

Whatever the game is, we like to win. And once we win, we get a new game. We push ourselves; residents, attending. It doesn’t matter how much we achieve. If you’re a climber there’s always another mountain. They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of a mountain. They’re smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it. We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just wanna remember the view from the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing. And it’s worth the pain. That’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything." —Meredith Grey

Shifting Priority

I used to wonder of how can 2 people in a committed serious relationship can be stringing to indefinite uncertainty when dealing with tying the knot. Yes, it's a question for my past relationship too. Lately, the dumb me just found out why (or maybe it's just my theory).

Two people in a relationship can have same goal or purpose, let say, to hopefully be married to each other. But is it a priority for both of them? Do they even share the same priority?

I'm the kind of girl who will not begged or even asked a guy to marry me. And the things that happened to me lately really do support this decision. In a relationship a conversation about "our future" will always comes up. Both may see themselve being with each other in the future. This thing already happened with me and Kman. But what I didn't realize that we have not shared the same priorities. Kman use to be the one who initiate about the "future" talks like where will we live, what car can we afford, bla bla bla. As for me, first I just though it's a normal question. In my dumb mind it's still in some future and all inside my head was how can I afford my diving trip to Raja Ampat this November or Next January by the latest.

But then, when we talk about mortgage payment and car loans, I can see the seriousness in his face and he said that his computer for games (playing computer game is his hobby, which I sometimes thinks its ridiculous as ridiculous when he though about my traveling hobby). He said that looking at the calculation he might have to postpone on buying the new computer for playing games and focus on those payments instead. It hits me directly! He made the decision without me asking for his sacrifice. He had put aside whats important to him with whats important to us.

As for me, I realize at that very moment my priority has not yet changed, still put my travel and diving experience on top. However, I really appreciate of how he had shift his priority with our "future goal", really show me that he did it because he wants to not be caused he was forced to. Because I know how hard it is to put aside whats been your priority is not easy. It came to my head that if I want to make it work that we have to start aligning our goal with our priority. So at that very moment, my priority has shifted to be focusing on the "future life" with all sincerity without him asking me.

Yes, it is easier to say to be committed with someone, it is wonderful to be able to see being with each other till the end, it is effortless to say that it's a serious relationship not just fooling around but the hard part came when priority has to be changed, it needs a right push to make you realize and do it with all your heart.

See what I meant, if I do asked a guy to marry me, even if he said yes, would his priority changed with all of his heart? will he make those sacrifice because he wants to or because being asked or feel forced? Or is it changing at all? if both does not share priority the effort in the relationship will be overwhelming for one side (been there, done that). When that happened, then the possibility of loosing the other is higher. Or the possibility of going nowhere is also higher.

As I said, it's a shift in priority, does not mean to eliminate what has been your priority before. So I may not go to Raja Ampat, but I can still works on taking my traveling somewhere cheaper like the upcoming beach party at Karimun Jawa. As for my Raja Ampat dreams, I believe I will be there someday, because I know I will reach my dreams.

#Cosmicjokes

Mantra for The Protector

No matter how independent I am, how strong I can take on the world alone, how confidence I am to live on my own foot, does not mean I wouldn't take a protector who will always be there to protect me from this world. I'm fine without one, yet a protector must be under the spell of this mantra:

"To protect, not to posses. To take me as the responsibility to be taken care of, without taking my independence away. The shield when needed not when asked."

#complicatedmind

maketimetotime

#Cosmicjokes

I am who I am, LOVE it or LEAVE it !

Acceptance. I am who I am. When we talk about accepting, it is usually about wanting to ourself to be accepted by others. To become accepted by others we tend to loose ourself and drawn into other people expectation so they can accept us. Sometimes its just a thin line with adaptation, or maybe it's the same? I still can't figure it out. The most scary part is, we try hard to be accepted by other people, friends, society, family, lovers and others but we don't even try to be accepted by ourself.

I have to be honest, I'm a person who takes long enough to accept myself, to be comfortable in my own skin. I criticize myself a lot, so often focusing on my weakness and all the flaws, longing to be perfect, which I sometimes though that I might be able to accept myself if I reach the level of perfect that I wanted. It doesn't mean that I'm not confidence with myself. But as I get older and older, I began to know more about me, to understand why I become me, who I really am, what shapes all decisions I made in this life. The more I understand about myself the more I accept myself. It's still learning in process of knowing who I really am and my acceptance level toward myself has not yet reaches to 100%.

As for how or will other accept me, I really don't care, except those people who are important to me or important for the person I care about. But I will not loose myself and who I am and how I raised because those are the foundation that makes me who I am. It doesn't mean that I don't want to become a better person. I'm a constant learning human, I changed from time to time, I use my strength to become stronger, I work on accepting my weakness and to cooperate it with my strength or combine with other people strength. How I changed depends on my willingness , my state of mind, my rational and logical thinking, then my society. I don't like to be judged or being expected of something before people know me. I don't like being told or ordered to be changed just because they can't accept one or two things about me.

If I can make the hardest person, which is myself, to accept me, that is more than enough. Each individual are different, they can't force me to meet their expectation as I can't force to change others to meet my expectations. However, I believe that acceptance is the key to keep things harmonious. Living harmonious is important for me to enjoy this life. That is why, I 'm a person who accept others the way they are, try to learn why they think, act, do the way they do. Telling people to do things so I can accept them will not lead me to live harmonious life. But I'm still human, sometimes there just some people I don't really understand how they are the way they are and the decisions they made. No mater how I don't like that person, I always accept them by leaving them. Because it's what I do to keep the harmonious life, is to leave them alone and let them being who they are as they wanted to be. I don't want to contaminate my peace of mind with it.

When other try to change me as they expected to, it means they cannot accept me the way I am. I rather to be left then forced to be loved. Because once people try to changed one thing from you, and you try hard to changed the way they want they will try to change more and more of you until you loose yourself and live under the expectation to be accepted by the rest of your life. That is not a picture of happy life for me and I will resent myself to live that way because one day you will break out and searching back for yourself. This is me, who I am is who I am. The past 25 years in each seconds I live made me the way I am and decisions I made. Other will have to accept me. Accepting does not only means to take it as it is. There are 2 options for people who wanted to accept me fully the way I am is to LOVE me or just LEAVE me. Because like it or not, as for those people also works the same, either I LOVE them or I LEAVE them because I accept the way they are or because they accept the way I am.

#complicatedmind

Blissful Half Past Quarter Life

It’s the end of mid 2012 and already passed half year of my quarter life.

At the begining of the year, thinking about leaving the first quarter life freaks me out.

I feel too young for quarter life.

Many uncertainty, many dreams and goals to reach but time keeps chasing after.

I came up with some wish list.

So far I can cross some of my wish list:

1. Finished my projects

2. Trip Derawan Island

3. Sailing trip Lombok-Flores-Denpasar

4. Finding LOVE again

5. Getting myself a raised

I would want to say it is very blissful..

I started 2012 with worrying of facing quarter life. I started quarter life with hating the age that has reached to 25. I always picture that in this age is the line between young-adult into adulthood. It is 5 more years towards 30. Feeling that I’m too young to be this old. So many thing I want to have and achieve. The beginning of quarter life was filled with mystery in life, professional and love live.

Along the way, I found more meaning and things started to get more and more fabulous. Life that I found not perfect start to feel so fantastic. Layer and layer of happiness keep coming. There are struggling and bad times too of course, but the good time are much much better.

There were holidays that I had planned and unplanned. Unexpected love story. Job that need to struggle but give a surprise. Happily for grandparents 50th anniversary. Still surrounded by the family that I love so much and true friends that fills my life with joy.

Grateful and content with loving family, caring lover, passionate best friends, great job, amazing holidays.

It started scary but I keep on believing and never loose hope, along the way dreams start to come true.

Some may not happen this year, but that’s the beauty of keeping mystery in this life, the surprises just makes everything seems blissful.

#Cosmicjokes

You can hold my heart but you can't take away my Louboutins

Last week I went to this seminar called Indonesian Woman and Global Business. It's a simple talk show represent by 3 women with directors position in their company. The first is American woman whom has been living in Indonesia for 20 years. She's a typical dream pursuing american women, traveling and changing industries and doing other extreme things in this life to fulfill her life. I may says she's me in my wildest personality. The second was a woman who work in IT industry. Not much about her that can impressed me. The third one, Mrs Sati, the one I mostly impressed because she shares same thought with mine that is not so often shared by most of my Indonesian girl friends.

I was raised by a housewife mother with all her daily domestic activities. However, I was though and raised with importance value of pursuing dreams. Never in my life, my parents did not let me pursue my goals and dreams just because I am a girl. They though me that life is about finding happiness and working very hard to pursue your dream.

Another important life lesson is the role of a women. Yes, I believe in the same right between men and women in taking opportunities offered in this life in education, career, economic, politic, and others. But I believe the role of men and women in families should be different. The question is, who or what defines the role of a men and women in a family? Is it culture? Religion?or plain nature?

God creates men and women with reasons. I born as a women, I should play my part here as a women in this life. It's just like a movie, every actor must play part as directed by the director, guided. The next question is, who is the director in this life? It depends, right (I'm not going to cover this part in this article).

In my age, more and more of my friends are feeling the urge to get married and the force from society that wanted them to get married. This is what I don't like about Indonesian people and culture. Women seems like only focus on one purpose in life which is to get married and having children. I believe in marriage and yes now I can say and I have decided I wanted to get have children's, but I also have other dreams that I wanted to focused on.

Yes, it is important to teach us girls with our role as a women, as a wife, as a mother and to live accordingly. However, Girls should not be solely raised just only to be a wife and a mother.

As my favorite quote by Maggie Kim Modern Women are not solely raised as wife and mother to keep mens testicle, women have careers and complicated romances and skeletons of various sizes in their closets, along with the Manolos and Louboutins

Yes, I may get married and have children. Become a loving and caring wife to my beloved husband and my children. Fulfill my responsibilities, makes them happy and feel content. However, I also have dreams to be fulfilled in career or business or life experience. Yes, it may take a lot of effort and hard work, but what is a life partner means if we cannot share our responsibilities together. Some Sacrifices must be made.

Will it better for me and my family to be stay at home mom rather than a career/business women? So what if I feel happier being a carreer/business women? Well, I believe happy mother equal to happy family.

Yes, a women can give her whole heart and universe to her family, but she should also afford her own pair of Louboutins (again, a girl can dream ;) )

#complicatedmind

Taking some time off from being a couple and see my friends will remind me that I am me - and not just part of a magical couple. It's never a good idea to lose sight of who I really am as an individual person.

#complicatedmind

Lingkar Kebahagiaan

Dalam hidup saya, pengalaman menyatakan bahwa kehidupan ini sudah ada jalannya dan kita mengikuti takdir. Seakan-akan sudah diarahkan. Sering terjadi hal hal yang tidak diduga, hal yang baik maupun yang buruk. Sikap dan rasa bersyukur tidak boleh terlupakan sebaik dan seburuk apapun yang terjadi. Apapun yang terjadi selalu dihadapi dengan yang terbaik, selalu percaya dan berdoa agar tetap berada di jalan yang terbaik. Percaya bahwa segalanya memiliki dasar mengapa harus terjadi, bukan selalu kenapa bisa terjadi.Segala yang diberikan, dialami, ditemukan dan diambil kembali dalam hidup ini merupakan penyambung satu jalan ke jalan yang lain.

Namun, satu hal yang paling penting dan sangat mendasar dalam kehidupan adalah kebahagiaan. Mencapai kebahagiaan akan selalu menjadi pendorong dan tujuan utama dalam hidup setiap umat manusia. Merupakan naluri dasar manusia dalam memilih jalan kehidupan disaat ada persimpangan dan dorongan untuk berani kembali ke jalan awal disaat menemukan tembok buntu. Percaya akan mengerahkan usaha terbaik dan yakin berada di jalan hidup yang terbaik, maka kebahagiaan selalu menunggu.

Pada saat kebahagiaan itu datang, apakah sebagai manusia kita merasa sudah cukup, merasa itu akhir dari perjalanan dan perjuangan hidup? Tidak. selama masih diberi kehidupan, manusia tidak pernah puas. Kehidupan tidak akan memberikan kebahagiaan selamanya, perjuangan dan pengorbanan harus dibayar demi mencapai kebahagiaan. Namun, kebahagian tidak boleh menjadi ilusi arti hidup yang sesungguhnya. Karena dalam hidup saya, pengalaman menyatakan bahwa Kehidupan ini sudah ada jalannya dan kita mengikuti takdir.

#Cosmicjokes

Strings Attached

I may have and will mention so many times that I have been enjoying my single life for quite some times. I have done travelling myself for the past year and feel the endless selfish freedom for myself. The joy of travelling where nothing else matter in this world or what have I left behind. Last weekend was my first trip after being in a relationship.

It came to my senses that it felt somehow different. I really enjoy the trip, I had a great time taking photos and culinary at Solo but somehow there’s something felt so attached and there’s an additional feeling during the trip. I have come back to a point where I am capable to have missed someone. I feel that I have left some part of my joy behind. After all this time being so numb and care free, I have forgotten how it felt. The feeling of missing someone and be missed by that person makes me realize that I have stepping up to the next level of me being in a relationship (or turns out that I’m not as cold hearted b*tch as I thought).

There has no resentment of my trip from Kman, he let me go just fine (with a little grunt that I now understand why). He might start to understand that travelling is my hobby my life passion, it’s not fair to hold my back while he knew that we’ll be apart during the trip. The feeling of being left and apart is not fun and it needs acceptance. But how we missed each other is the string that has being attached to me during the trip.

I now realize, even though I can go on to any trip I want, I may not be able to feel as numb, carefree, total self freedom, self serenity, as before I open up myself to feel love again and steps into the door of a committed relationship.

However in the other side, it also feels good to have someone been missing me badly. To know that someone is waiting and longing for me back at home. Somehow I felt it must be more complete if he can join the trip. Or perhaps being apart for view days may just makes us closer and grateful to each other with all the time we spend together.

So, one more answer of why I’ve been given such an amazing trip as a wild single endless freedom gal at my Komodo Sailing trip has been answered. Theres positive and negative side on traveling while single or while in relationship. Which is better? Both are different but it doesn't mean one is less happier than the other. You just have to enjoy yourself and the let the moment passed by fills it with happiness, most of all be grateful not only for what you have but also for what you don't have.

The way we enjoy our weekend apart, me fabulously seeing around Keraton and culinary at Solo, while KMan experienced the vintage Jakarta at Kota Tua.

#complicatedmind #TravelFreak

Dive Baby Dive..Ooh Yeah!!

Finally, one of my dream come true! I became a Female Diver baby..yeaah.

I've been wanting to dive since I graduated from my bachelor degree. I have a professor once when I was pursuing my master degree, and she's a dive instructor. I was so fascinated and having a bigger dream to become diver.

During my traveling, I met divers, females, and there are some point when it can intimidate me. The risk to take, the expensive equipment, the extra money to spend for diving, the license itself.

But remembering that life is short and I have to enjoy this life to the fullest makes my urge to take the dive license without any doubt. Yup I finally took the PADI Open Water dive course. I have done the course and the test.

The practice was at the pool in Senayan and the test was at Pulau Pramuka.

So, crossing one of my wish list in this life. One more quarter life achievement.

Preparation and checking before jump into the ocean. Gearing up with the tank, BCD, Regulator and wetsuit of course.

Dive with style. FINALLY. 4 times dive with the deepest 15 Meter.

Happily waiting our boat to take us back to the city.

#TravelFreak

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miss-irin-blog

Put all the effort to make things work, and let the universe take control..move on or move forward without any regret..

#complicatedmind

Live a life you’re proud of and make the best out of it. And if you find you’re not, have the strength to start all over again

-one of Mr Albom's-

#complicatedmind

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