As many of my closest friends will agree, I tend to describe things repeatedly in very different ways - continuous elaboration. It’s a habit I never realized I had until I reached adulthood. It might stem from my desire to clarify communication I engage in with every individual, since I only speak to express myself when I truly feel like I have something to contribute, and from my longing to use all words that I see fit in describing a situation.
When significant moments happen, regardless of whether it’s a 5 second encounter or a 30 minute ordeal, I replay these moments, analyzing the seconds over and over in varying perspectives for many days after. I could visualize the segment of time like a movie in my head. Maybe this is why I remember random things like what he put in his left pocket, or the crevice in which the unnoticed pen dropped two hours ago. Maybe this is also why I’m always the last one laughing, and why I tend to randomly laugh when no one is talking.
My writing attempts to capture my range and depth of emotion. Reading back on my old Tumblr posts, I realized my favorite pieces are the entries where I attempted to describe particular emotions I felt in a mere 5 minutes, whether it was an instance of deep sadness, peace, appreciation or curiosity. It surprises me how many words could be used for emotions I originally thought were indescribable. As soon as I measure the depth of my feelings, I pick up a pen and write. I don’t care if I sound like some crazily depressed emotional wreck in the end. I love it.
Sometimes, on a whim, I’ll effortlessly find the words that fit perfectly to what I’m feeling and I’ll believe it sounds so beautiful that I’ll have the need to post it right away. Other times, I could feel an urgency to write because my emotions can’t possibly fit in my head, so they spill out on paper. It could take days of me staring at a couple of phrases, writing and re-writing until I feel satisfied. And sometimes when I can’t find the perfect words, I lose grasp on the specific emotion and the inspiration slips out from under me and I scratch out my scribbles completely. (Yes, I still draft these things on paper most of the time.)
Emotions can be indescribable, but I like to try. It gives me a piece of satisfaction when I can read back on an entry and feel the exact emotion that I was trying to describe, when I had originally thought the emotion was indescribable. And it moves me to believe that others could feel what I felt when they read what I’ve written. It’s a way of connecting with others without intending to connect. The idea that strangers and acquaintances could be moved as a result of what I created when I was moved is inspiring. Emotions could never be described to someone who never feels, yet the connection that exists when you realize someone is feeling the exact same thing as you despite the fact that it cannot be described…is beautiful. And no one even has to know.
I want to remember my emotions - the bad, the good, the horrible. In the end, memories will fade but we will hold what life has made us feel.
Isn’t that amazing?
Words and works of art.