Stirring Hearts
This past week we shared with our family and close friends the news of our second miscarriage. There is both fear and guilt in sharing this with others. Fear that the sting of the news will cause others to be angry and upset. And guilt that it will be a burden and make them feel sad.
But that’s the point of family and friends - to share in the good.... AND the bad.
In sharing our story, we’ve had to learn how to verbalize what we’re feeling and going through and what we need from others. My husband and I have really focused on each other the last couple weeks and have had some time to process what’s happening and what our next steps are.
There is an inherent desire in my bones to carry and birth a child of my own. I WANT to be pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months and give birth and breastfeed and do all the things that all the other mamas out there get to do.
But there is also an inherent desire in me to love the unloved, to be a mother to a child who has none, to obey God’s commands to love the orphans (James 1:27). I can remember as a kid telling my mom that I wanted to adopt a child when I was older. I remember that ALWAYS being a part of my heart, a part of my plan... in fact, it was one of the first conversations I had with my husband when we began dating.
And though our “plan” was to have our own child and THEN adopt, I’m beginning to see that my plan may not be His plan.
Growing up, and to this day, my favorite verse has always been Proverbs 3:5-6:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
I always loved that verse because the first part had to do with trust and faith. As a young adult, I had faith like a child. Believing in God was so easy for me. The older I grew, the more my faith was tested and shaken. And while I now have an unwavering faith, I can say that this verse speaks SO much more to me lately.
The second half of the verse is what gets me now.... acknowledge him... submit to him.... and he shall make your PATHS straight...
My husband and I have talked a lot about this JOURNEY we’ve been on. First with having trouble getting pregnant. Then with staying pregnant. It’s been a complicated and trying journey, and it has NOT been a straight path.
You see, I felt it on my heart, about 2 years ago, to attend a foster and adoption conference put on by our church. My husband quickly agreed to go, and we enjoyed the abundance of information we received. We were just barely married. He was not ready to foster or adopt, but a fire was lit in my soul. I was ready.
We had many talks about timing, and we both feared getting pregnant in the midst of an adoption as well as not having a strong marriage before we brought in an adopted child. I knew we could handle it, but we both knew it would be incredibly stressful on our marriage. So we put it off.
A year later, we started trying to get pregnant. We tried and tried and tried. And that fire in my soul to foster/adopt began igniting again. But I kept it to myself. I knew my husband still wasn’t ready, so I didn’t bring it up.
When we had our first miscarriage, that ignited fire turned into a raging fire. But still, I didn’t know if my heart was ready for it.
About a month later, we came home to a flyer on our door (right next to the “No solicitors or flyers” sign we have up!). I halfway seriously grabbed it and said I was going to shame this company on social media for not being able to keep their trash off our property despite our signs. I opened it up to see who I needed to shame, and I’m not kidding you....
It was a local adoption agency.
I looked at my husband and said, “Is this a joke or a sign from God?”
I took it as a sign. He didn’t.
We proceeded to have another heated debate about when is the right time to adopt. He wanted to keep trying to have a baby. I did too, but I wanted to start the process of becoming approved for adoption.
So we, again, put it on hold and moved on.
The day that began what would become our second miscarriage, my husband confidently used the word “adoption”, and my heart knew. It’s the right time.
I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what this will look like. I don’t know how long this is will take.
What I do know is the insane amount of peace that he and I both have - knowing that God is working in our lives. We are leaning on HIM, submitting to HIS will, and He is directing our PATH. Our path is not what we planned, and that’s okay. We are trusting in HIS plan, we are trusting in the process, and we are moving when he is telling us to move. There is something so humbling, yet SO powerful in doing this. I am absolutely excited to see where he sends us next on our journey!