My husband and I talked about what all we would do when we found out what was “wrong” with my body. Miscarrying twice is not normal.
If what the doctor found was wrong could be fixed with meds or shots would we do it? Yes. If it required IVF? No. If it required surgery? No.
Our beliefs and decisions have limited our options - though we don’t yet know what’s wrong and what treatment will be required, if any. But we do know our limits of what we’re willing to do.
My husband said to me after I confirmed that it was a miscarriage, “If we can’t have kids, we’ll move forward with adoption.”
I think I fell in love with him all over again.
Adoption is something we have both had on our hearts since before we met. It was one of our earliest conversations in our relationship. But I do believe I have felt a more nagging calling than he has. We’ve had so many conversations about fostering/adopting, but we’ve never been able to agree on timing.
Though my soul longs to have a successful pregnancy and experience birth and breast feeding and having a baby who is half my husband, my soul also longs to love the motherless - the orphans. There are so many children who have no parents, who have no home, who have no stability, who don’t know love. And it completely wrecks my heart.
The thought of being able to give just one of those children a loving home nearly brings me to tears!
And finally being on the same page with my husband has me utterly giddy with excitement. My stomach is literally full of butterflies!
We are choosing to wait until our doctor appointment to move forward with adopting. We need time to focus on each other for a while. But we will likely begin the process in the coming months and we couldn’t be more excited.
God is taking us on a journey. He is closing doors that need to be closed, and opening ones that need to be opened. And we are choosing to be faithful rather than angry. We are choosing to obey God and follow his lead. We are choosing to be patient in this time of waiting and longing for children. We are choosing to let go of our own plans, and finding out that God has an even better plan for us.
I don’t know what tomorrow will look like, let alone a year from now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get pregnant next month and have a healthy baby in a year, or if I’ll be a mom of a child who grew in my heart rather than my belly. I don’t know what life looks like.
And for the first time, I’m at peace with not knowing.
God has always been faithful and he will continue to be. We must only trust in Him and trust the journey. ❤️