I don't want to be here anymore.
Stranger Things

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@mistakenmaven
I don't want to be here anymore.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Definitely a metaphor for my friendships. Everyone enjoys having me around but no one wants me for their own. I know at 40, longing for a best friend isn't necessarily something I should do, but I do it all the same. I really appreciate all my friends but so often I feel as if I'm looking in on something. As if I'm not there with them, just an observer waiting for the show to be over. It's tough a lot of the time. Sometimes I don't notice. Ever since the end of our extra relationship, I haven't felt that way with Jonathan either. I always just feel I'm drifting just apart from everyone else. Is it selfish to want someone to want me for their own? Am I an ungrateful, awful person for just wanting a bestie? A ride or die? To be wanted as someone else's person? I have many people who I care about and trust and I know that's a blessing but there's no one person I share everything with. And maybe that's a myth? Maybe I'm yearning for something that I'll never have? Idk...I just feel so fucking alone even when I'm surrounded by people who I love. I'm so discouraged and so disconnected idk why I'm still here... It's harder and harder to be around people when I feel increasingly like I'm just a decorative item. Something you look at on the shelf but don't want to touch. I try to open up, I try to reach out and it just feels empty. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I think I'm being open and kind and maybe it's wrong. I'm so wrong at other things. I misjudge and I misread and apparently I come off just selfish and self-serving...maybe this is why.
Today is hard. I found out that my brother is now expecting a child. I'm super excited for him and so happy that our family is growing by one more little soul. However, because of my infertility we (My husband and I) have decided that we will not be having children. At first this was difficult. I had always wanted children and really wanted to be a parent but over time I realized that it wasn't my future. The last few months. I worked on acceptance and worked on being the auntie to all my nieces now, maybe adding in a few but who knows but the emotions I feel now are still hard. I don't know how to fix the wanting and the pieces that I feel are missing without a little one. I understand. Logically. that we are happier this way. That not being parents gives us more time to spend with our nieces and nephews and more time to spend with each other doing what we want to do. But but I'm afraid that I just don't know how to feel whole? I'm afraid that no matter what I do, no matter what I get involved in, no matter how many amazing friends and wonderful people I have to support me that I will never truly feel whole. Pat, that the rest of my life I'll just be hoping and wishing and wanting realize that it's never going to happen and I know that and I understand that it won't. And that's okay. It's totally fine but I just don't know how to create the peace I need. I don't know how to heal. Whatever is broken inside of me that yearns to have something more. I am grateful and I am happy with where I am and what I am doing and who I'm spending time with and my hobbies but it just isn't enough and I don't know when it will be enough. I just want to feel complete without hurting anyone else. Today is hard.
Just realized that both coming out day and indigenous peoples day are on the 11th this year so here's your reminder from your local queer native to not let Indigenous Peoples Day get ignored and forgotten this year. Support natives even if they're not queer this october 11th, and don't let white + colonized narratives be the main focus of the day.
Also I highly encourage white people to reblog this
So I have decided that this Tumblr will become like my LiveJournal back in the day. If you never heard of LiveJournal it was an online journal where you wrote your shit and people would find it and read it. But honestly a lot of the time nobody found it. And nobody read it. So, I think I'm safe writing my thoughts here. If not...fuck it. Tonight I feel like s***. I think I am starting to feel baby fever again and I'm upset that so many people I know are pregnant and I am not. I thought that maybe I would have been over it. That I would have felt better by now about not having gotten pregnant after 8 years. But the depression and sadness come back. Work has been stressful and I think that's what contributes to my inability to process my emotions effectively. I am happy for everyone I know but I am sad that Jonathan and I may never experience it. Either of us are running to be parents anytime soon but it's sad to realize that maybe we'll never see the person that we could help shape together. Jonathan is also been really angry and frustrated for the last few months. He's finally seeming better and his mood has definitely approved so that's been good. I think I'm just tired. I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of not being wanted. I feel very alone and lonely. I have friends but not anyone to really talk to. Except maybe a random stranger on the internet, looking for followers who happen to find this blog. I find myself trying to reach out and make friends...but really just coming off as needy or annoying. I hate that about myself. I'm so desperate for someone to listen to me. For someone to really care about what I have to say. I just ... It's so hard to trust but I end up trusting the wrong people. Or people who don't want to listen. Fuck...idk where I'm going with this.
I am lonely. I feel left out. And it sucks. I don't know how I fix it. I try and reach out but I always seem to be overlooked. Always forgotten. And not in a malicious way...just in a ... We don't see you so we don't think of you way. And I'm tired. Now that the tears have come, I guess it's time for bed...
🌜 types of witches ✨
air witch: a witch that works with the element of air, and the energies that it possesses. they would work with things such as air elementals, incense, and rhythmic breathing.
animal witch: a witch that works with animals, or a specific form of animal, and uses that animals energies in their practice. these witches will also work with the spiritual and physical forms of that animal and use magick based around it.
atheist witch: a witch who does not believe in any form of deity.
baby/beginner witch: a witch who is new to the practice, or one that feels they are not quite a witch yet.
bone witch: a witch who uses bones in their practice, and can communicate with the spirits who used to own them, to allow them help in their practice.
black/dark witch: a witch who practices the left hand path, harmful forms of magick, and unethical forms of magick.
blue witch: a witch who practices healing forms of magick such as reiki, yoga, acupuncture, energy healing, and quantum touch.
blood witch: a witch who practices blood magick and uses the energy of blood in their practice.
ceremonial witch: a witch who practices ceremonial magick and theurgy.
closet witch: a witch who is not open about their practice.
cosmic witch: a witch who uses cosmic or astrological bodies in their crafts and practices things such as astrology and cosmic witchcraft. they work with the energies of stars, the moon, the sun, and planets, among many other cosmic bodies.
cottage witch: a witch who focuses on the home, their families, and making the place they live comfortable and protected. they are witches who specialize in magick surrounding the home.
coven witch: a witch who is in a group of witches, coven, or circle, and will be able to learn and practice magick with others.
crystal witch: a witch who uses crystals in their practice. they will practice things such as crystal healing, communicating with crystal spirits, crystal grids, among other things revolving crystals.
color witch: a witch who uses the metaphysical meaning of colors in their magick.
death witch: a witch who practices death magick and works with the energies of death.
divination witch: a witch who practices divination such as tarot, pendulum, oujia, runes, or any other form of divination.
desert witch: a witch who works with things from a desert such as desert sand, cacti, bushes, and spirits of the desert. they may or may not live near one.
draconian witch: a witch who works with dragons and draconic magick.
dream witch: a witch who works on and in their dreams, and may practice lucid dreaming. they may cast magick in their dreams and may also be dreamwalkers. these witches use their dreamscape as a home away from home.
eclectic witch: a witch who has an eclectic practice. this means that they will work with and learn from many different paths, practices, philosophies, traditions, knowledge, and sources.
elemental witch: a witch who works with all of the western classical elements. these elements being fire, water, earth, air, and spirit. some elemental witches also choose not to incorporate the element of spirit.
earth witch: a witch that works with the element of earth and the energy that it possesses. they would work with things such as crystals, herbs, rocks, earth elementals, the spirit of the land, and other earth-based things.
emotion witch: a witch who utilizes their emotions in their practice and uses them to charge and fill their magick with intention.
fire witch: a witch that works with the element of fire and the energies that it possesses. they would work with things such as candle magick, fire elementals, bonfire rituals, and fire scrying, among other things relating to fire.
flora witch: a witch who uses flowers in their practice and uses them just like herbs in their practice.
forest witch: a witch who works with things from the forest such as the trees, the forest spirits, and forest animals. they may or may not live near one.
fae witch: a witch who works with fairies and fae magick.
green witch: a witch who uses nature-based things in their practice such as herbs, trees, stones, animals, and natural elements.
garden witch: a witch who works with herbs and the earth, much like a green witch, but is focused on their garden and how they can incorporate it with their magick. this process is much like a home to a cottage witch.
gray witch: a witch who practices a neutral form of magick and uses a balance of both harmful and benevolent forms of magick.
hedge witch: a witch that uses magick that is oriented around the spiritual world. they would practice things such as astral travel, astral projection, lucid dreaming, spirit work, and journeying. these witches are able to walk between worlds.
hereditary witch: a witch who gets their tradition passed down to them by their family, and they are born into the practices of witchcraft. they also usually have their family to practice with and to be there to help with development.
herbal witch: a witch that uses herbs in their practice. they will normally grow herbs and use them in many different ways in order to produce magickal effects such as burning them, turning them into tea, or sprinkling them around places.
kitchen witch: a witch who works with magick through cooking and uses the magickal properties that they can get from different foods.
lunar witch: a witch who works with the energies of the moon and the moon’s cycles.
pop culture witch: a witch who incorporates aspects of media in their practice such as things from movies, tv shows, books, and video games. they may also work with pop culture spirits and call upon them like traditional spirits.
purple witch: a witch who practices energy work, psychic abilities, and psionics.
religious witch: a witch who holds some form of religion. these include christian witches, satanic witches, pagan witches, wiccan witches, buddhist witches, muslim witches, jewish witches, hindu witches, along with any other type of religious witch.
rural witch: a witch who lives in the country or rural area.
red witch: a witch who practices love and sex magick.
sea witch: a witch who works with things from the sea such as seawater, sea glass, beach sand, seashells, and other things associated with the sea. they may or may not live near it.
secular witch: a witch who is not religious and does not subscribe to religious dogma. most of these witches usually stay away from the deity, but they do not have to in order to remain secular.
sigil witch: a witch who practices sigilcraft and the act of sigilization.
solar witch: a witch who works with the energies of the sun.
solitary witch: a witch who practices their craft alone or without a personal group such as a coven or circle of other practitioners.
spoonie witch: a witch that practices low-energy witchcraft due to a chronic illness, mental illness, disability, etc.
swamp witch: a witch who works with things from the swamp such as swamp water, the swamp spirits, and swamp animals. they may or may not live near one.
storm/weather witch: a witch who works with the weather and the energies of the weather in order to change it, receive energy, or achieve some other outcome.
stitch witch: a witch who works with thread, yarn, or other fibers for their work.
science witch: a witch who has a higher focus on science and will use their understandings of it in their practices. these witches usually do not portray scientism, and focus on a higher connection between science and their practice.
traditional witch: a witch who practices the forms of traditional witchcraft.
tech witch: a witch who works with modern technology in their practice, and will integrate computers and electronics with their magick.
tea witch: a witch who uses tea in their practice in order to facilitate certain effects through the act of drinking them.
theistic witch: a witch who believes in a form of deity.
water witch: a witch who works with the element of water and the energies that it possesses. they would work with things such as the different kinds of water, water elementals, and water scrying, among other things related to water.
white/light witch: a witch who practices the right hand path, benevolent forms of magick, and ethical forms of magick.
Don't step on the flowers!
Persephone
Persephone is the Goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. She is the daughter of Zeus and Demeter and the wife of Hades. Her lore is possibly one of the most controversial and well known in Greek mythology. However, no matter the story she is known to be even stricter and far less forgiving than her husband. She is often the one to convince hand out strict and harsh sentences for the dead if they have done something wrong that puts them in The Fields of Punishment.
General: spring, flower crown, torch, reeds, waterfalls, rivers and springs, flowers
Animals: bat, ram, parrots and all talking birds, and monkeys
Plants: pomegranate, narcissus, willow tree, lily, ivy, lily of the valley, oriental lily, maidenhair fern, daisy, and lavender
Perfumes/Scents: floral scents, especially narcissus and hyacinth, almond, vanilla, and bergamot, pomegranate
Gems and Metals: crystal, quartz, agate, black onyx, pink tourmaline, sapphire, obsidian, mercury, coral, agate, and jasper
Colors: green, black, light blue, purple, magenta, indigo, and yellow
Things to Pray For: help with dying/sick plants, mercy, protection for plants, forgiveness, help with abusive/controlling parents, help finding true love and healthy relationships, becoming your true self, self-acceptance
Invocation of Persephone Come, Persephone, With your paint-pots and brushes: Stipple the fields with flowers, Dot the branches with bright blossoms, Streak the Spring sky with pale pastels. You are the one who paints the eyes on the pansies, And the lines on the lilies so the bees can find their food, And the blushes on the rosebuds. Without you, The bearded iris would have no smile And the black-eyed susan would be blind. Come, Persephone: The world has rested too long Under Winter’s snowy cloak. Come bring your brushes and bright colors And dress us in the shades of Spring again. We invoke you, gracious maiden of freedom and beauty: Join us now.
Prayer to Persephone Persephone, Goddess of Spring, hear my prayer. I call upon you for your wisdom and insight. I am faced with a difficult decision and I need your guidance. Please help me know the way and help me make a decision that is most in alignment with my true path. Thank you, Persephone.
Personal experience: She’s saved a few of my plants before but other than that I haven’t really started practicing with her yet.
@the-rainbow-astronaunt-will @cookiechris
So I remember.
It's my fault we're here. I never want to say no. I never want to let you down.
I wanted to make you smile and feel safe.
I wanted my work and struggle to be rewarded. To feel like I can experience something good.
I've done the opposite.
And now I don't think I deserve to be here any more...
All these lights make me so happy! 💖 🎄Merry Yuletide!
Hey gang, for those who don't know, I am making a comic! I had a sit down and long hard think about the direction of my art and what would bring me the most joy in the next year in my personal artistic fulfilment, and I settled on telling my own little story. It's already starting to balloon, but for now the goal of a 30 page comic is what I have in mind, with avenues to expand it's story or to just call it there and assess how I feel!
These are the first 6 pages, some close ups and a little rendering of the heroine, Era, a young witch in search of a gateway to a mysterious and magical Zone.
It's a bit of a cliff hang I knows, so I recommend following me on Instagram for it's full development there, it's got my thoughts on each segment and all the behind the scenes shtick too!
Follow me on the gram plz
So if you like the weirdness of Morrowind and the universe of the Witcher and Stalker you probably gonna get a kick out of it!
Chur
yall gotta stop drawing native characters as red and east asian characters as yellow
yes this is a callout to atla fandom artists
i would also like to add that this also goes for gif makers, be careful when using filters because it may make the skintones look red, yellow, or pale
and also be careful not to whitewash features
if any poc wish to add to this please do, im just pointing out basic bad shit i see as a white person
if you reblog this please do not fucking delete my reblog for it is just as important as the first part
*hears noises at night*: well this is it this is the end for me I had a good life
*gets shampoo in my eyes*: I guess I’m blind now how am I ever going to see my first born child
*heart is beating fast*: I think I am having a heart attack is this what cardiac arrest is
*a cop walks by*: here I go about to get arrested I probably murdered someone
*taking a test*: don’t take your eyes off of this paper you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school and amount to nothing
*gets a sunburn*: great now I have skin cancer how will I tell my parents
*tripping over something*: I guess my leg will have to be amputated why did this happen to me
Saem
i cant believe this didnt make it into the anime,, its such a soft scene
Why do I have so many feelings? 😭😭
So now that the dust has settled a bit we'd like to announce that WE DID A THING! After years of living in apartments with roommates and houses with family members, we've FINALLY purchased our first home! Jonathan and I are so happy in our new digs and can't wait to share this new chapter with all our family and friends. Thank you to everyone who has helped us along the way (you know who you are)! We are so lucky and thankful for all the amazing people in our lives. 💖 We're ready to PARTY! #firsthome #ChamplainResidents #letsparty #butfirstpainting (at Champlain, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CC6nRJKJa6b/?igshid=1pb81kvyme4xm
Native Americans dancing around a dethroned Columbus statue was the content I didn’t know I needed today
This is how we grow. #takingitback
"Oh, the places you'll go!" Happy first birthday Kennedy Grace. 💖 Aunt Dee Dee & Uncle Jon, our favorite nicknames. (at Rochester, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CC1G-cepJLU/?igshid=1nhbg92sy15fk