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Unspoken words of a self-proclaimed introvert who loves rain and night sky.

[werenotreallystrangers]

PREORDER

[johnny-depp-is-loved]

in the end we are all creatures in need of love and comfort

[mistyrainey]

You deserve to be happy 🖤

I'm not sure about that

[mistyrainey]

Worst part about being triggered is not reliving the pain. It's knowing well that now I shouldn't feel what I felt in the past but I do anyway.

[mistyrainey]

Tiap nulis disini kok tiap down aja. Jarang gitu nulis yg happy2 wkwkwk. Maybe one day.

[mistyrainey]

Feeling like I'm currently at my lowest (again). Have to keep going before I get carried away and start losing myself.

[mistyrainey]

Geez my writing is a mess and so am I.

[mistyrainey]

I feel so alone but I want to stay alone.

[mistyrainey]

I guess what I need now is to know if my struggle is valid.. or maybe it isn't even real?

All this time the only validation that matters to me is the one I'm saying to myself. Whether I look pretty, if I'm good enough, or if I'm proud of myself. No matter what people say, what I say about myself matters the most.

Right now I know I'm struggling but I don't know if it's bad enough to be validated, even by myself. Do I need to hear it from someone else? I don't,... right? I should stop being a burden to anyone.

[melisscan]

[mistyrainey]

So I retweeted this and actually got good chuckles, until I decided to go through the replies. And then it hit me of how relatable others' experiences to mine. Especially these ones.

I found myself agreeing to each words they said. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful and blessed to have supportive and loving parents. But oh God it hurts so much not being able to return even just a bit of their love.

I remembered December last year as I was preparing for my graduation. My family was happy, especially my mom. She was excited preparing my clothes and the whole family outfit, even asking to have a family photo session in a studio. I could see my parents feeling proud, posting my photos online - even my sister post it too. And me? I was left with mixed feelings. But not proud, not even an ounce of it. Instead, I was filled with ball of anxiety.

"Ayah sama Ibu hanya minta kalian jadi anak sholeh. Terserah kalian mau kerja apa atau jadi apa, asalkan baik dan halal. Yang menjalani hidup kalian ya kalian, ayah dan ibu hanya bisa ngiringi doa."

Is what my parents always say to their children. They don't ask for a title, status, or certain number on salary. Some people may be jealous of me, but do they understand what it carries with? I can't stop feeling bad. I keep feeling useless, incapable, afraid of disappointing them, and afraid of being nothing. I keep thinking how I don't deserve them. I literally have nothing to be proud of. I am good for nothing.

I don't know how I became like this. I don't even know how to make myself better. This feeling keeps coming and going. I guess I just have to keep going, hoping I'll find myself again along the way.

[poisonedsequin]

andrew gn fall 2021 rtw

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

you’ll find new people to have deep conversations with. you’ll find a new place to feel at home in. you’ll find a reason to be genuinely excited to wake up in the morning. you’ll find someone who will reinvent your tainted version of love. you’ll find a way to reconceptualise your feelings and turn to healthy ways to cope. you’ll find a way to reach your goal and improve yourself. you’ll find a way to live every day with inner peace and appreciation for everything you have.

[bitcoitus]

Please remember that almost everyone around you is traumatized. I didn’t understand this when I was younger. I wondered why people acted so strangely and irrationally. Maybe all children wonder this. The author Robert Anton Wilson said (paraphrasing), “We have never seen a completely sane adult human.” No one makes it out of this life alive. It’s not their fault. Mercy, kindness, forgiving — these are what makes one human. They are other names for love. People break in the strangest of ways.

[bitcoitus]

“Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being." — Robert Anton Wilson

[mistyrainey]

Ah, sungguh kenangan selalu punya cara untuk menyapa. Kali ini ku persilahkan ia berkunjung sebentar saja. Aku sedang sibuk hidup di masa ini.

Ia datang berupa lima lembar tulisan pembuka calon bukumu. Aku baca halaman pertama saja, karena halaman-halaman berikutnya membuatku tidak tega. Bukan kunjungan yang menyenangkan, tapi tidak buruk juga. Walau kemudian meninggalkan perasaan melankolis yang menyebalkan.

[mistyrainey]

What's the point of having abstract admirable qualities if I don't even have a single real applicable skill? To hell with philosophical questions and mind-tingling conversations. I am as useless as I can be.

[mistyrainey]

Tired of feeling optimistic one day then worthless the next day. This emotional rollercoaster sucks. This feels so 2016 to me.