doll

[mitternacht4610]

What's the point?

I've already given up everything else. I'll never be able to step foot there again. I'll never be palatable or good or desirable again.

So what is the point of upholding all of this?

What is the point of praying? What is the point of maintaining my beliefs? Who is ever going to look at me again? When is any of it ever going to mean anything again? None of it matters anymore.

I'm already disgusting. Repulsive. Obscene. I am beyond recovery.

Why still try to be good?

At this point, I must accept that nothing I was remotely exists or matters anymore. I must accept becoming something else entirely. I must accept forgetting everything about where I came from.

I...

Ah.

[mitternacht4610]

In order to be upset, I have to have thoughts. In order to be happy, I have to have thoughts.

Lately, I can feel it happen. I get to a point where everything whites out of my brain. Eventually I realize that whatever I felt has been replaced with a thick, hazy fog. Numbing.

I wonder how much of it is Henir and my lack of energy and how much of it is willful. I wipe so much away anyway.

I just don't care... I don't care what happens anymore. I don't think I have for a long time. There's no point regardless. So why should I? What good does it do?

I will never be happy, so the next best thing is to be vacant. An absence of negative.

[mitternacht4610]

I wonder how many things I will have given up by the end of it. I wonder if there will ever be anything to replace what is missing.

[mitternacht4610]

Ultimately... You, too... want me to be something I am not. A human being. A person. Full, not empty.

Like you.

But I don't know if I ever can be like you.

[mitternacht4610]

Life is... so boring, isn't it?

[mitternacht4610]

For you, our arguments can be "traumatic," and I should handle how that causes you to react to things going forward. But for me, if I bring up their effect on me, I am "rubbing your nose in it," and if I don't handle it well, I am being cruel.

what is wrong with you? what is missing from your head that makes you treat the people you love like this.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've been wondering that for so long.

I don't think I will ever know.

You can say whatever you like to me. I'll stop now. I'll stop.

Nothing I was thinking matters.

[mitternacht4610]

심장, yes, now. 마음, no. I don't think I do. I don't think I ever have.

[mitternacht4610]

I can't do anything right. Nothing at all.

[mitternacht4610]

I feel so pathetic and gross.

[mitternacht4610]

I am such an awful person.

[mitternacht4610]

I'm so.. stupid. Ha. Right. What excuse do I even have. Mommy doesn't love you. How pathetic. All of this over that? That's the only real problem you even have. Pathetic. Disgusting.

[mitternacht4610]

Oh... I...

Want to run away. I want to be somewhere none of it ever happened.

It is a strange feeling like I am going to cry or vomit or both.

This will pass.

[mitternacht4610]

Is there anything left inside me.

[mitternacht4610]

I don't like thinking about anything.

[mitternacht4610]

Mother. Mother.

I'm sorry I messed it all up this time. I made so many mistakes. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

But I want to be good. I promise I truly do.

So please. Let me do it all over again. I'll get it right this time. I'll be your only beautiful child. Like you wanted.

Please.

[mitternacht4610]

I was born to absorb all of the world's ugliness, I am convinced.

[mitternacht4610]

I suddenly remembered when It held me and told me there was still a chance to be forgiven, to be useful, to be taken back, and I felt this horrible, ugly sob come from my chest and my throat. How disgusting.

It's a nice... fantasy. I can think of it that way, and that way it is safe. It wasn't real. Of course it wasn't real. That would never happen to me. So since it isn't real, nothing was ever actually taken from me. I never lost anything. Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay. This is all that exists and all that has ever existed.