[text] NO! That was a typo
[text] I think I’m a mermaid
[text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me.
[text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
[text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.
[text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
[text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
[text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!
[text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
[text] We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead… I just rolled off and tapped out.
[text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship
[text] Do you know where I am?
[text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
[text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
[text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
[text] My dick just got serenaded.
[text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
[text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
[text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
[text] Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
[text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
[text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
[text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
[text] I didn’t let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off because… it was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
[text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
[text] It’s not a good night if I don’t end up crying into your mother’s lap.
[text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
[text] I’m may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
[text] She high fived me out of pity
[text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
[text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
[text] You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hair…
[text] It may or may not have been your sister…
[text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
[text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
[text] Let’s never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
[text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
[text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry
[text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
[text] I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.