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@mizellotheconductor
Haiii!! I'm Mizello, I own Whiteward (yes, that one O.o) and I invented emoticons :-]!!!
This is my inntrroooo >0<!! I'm nonbinary, masc and they/he ( ^w^)/
I'm also a conductor, so I'm pretty good at music, yk 7w7
Below r my blinkies!!♡
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
“It’s not…the same. That’s just it. I grew up four hundred years ago, in conditions that they call the ‘Gilded Death Era.’ I’m marked by war, and my wings are gone. It’s not the same now.” Amma dug her claws into the dirt. “The way so many of them look at me…there’s so much pity, like I’m just a broken shell, incomplete
Then prove you are. Show them you aren't just a husk. So what if its not the same? People are still ready to help console you, and everyone has patience for you. Show them you're more than what they think of you.
Amma curled up her legs, her face furrowing in a glare. “You could do the same, you know. I want to be here, but I don’t want you to suffer and isolate yourself here based off their initial judgements.”
The Conductors are colonizers. We killed them all. There is nothing I can do for them to forgive me.
Also, we're talking about you right now.
-Mizello got up, standing in front of Amma-
Can we please go to elderbug, so you can talk about your worries to her? Then maybe you can head over to a lunch or mess hall, and talk to other people.
“But they know you were a firefly too. Elderbug knows it wasn’t your choice.”
Amma looked away. “I don’t…want to talk to all of them. They crowd me, it’s too much.”
It was absolutely my choice. Don't try to say the stuff I did wasn't my fault. I'm a horrible bug, Amma.
And maybe you can just do one on one? Get familiar with one bug at a time- hey, you like working with kids and baby bugs, yeah? Maybe you could use that as practice?
Amma glared at the ground. Yes, she wanted to do that. But.
“I don’t like how you’re talking. Like I need to be here, and you’re just going to…what? Suffer?”
I can get over myself, Amma. You need to be here. We'll figure something out, I promise. You need to be with your people more than anything else in the world, Ive seen and heard that, so please go talk to people.
“…I need to be with you, too, though,” Amma said quietly. “And not in a way that will make you suffer. You….you didn’t ask to come here.”
But I agreed. You don't need me as much as you need your people, okay? And, like I said, we'll figure something out. I deserve to suffer anyways.
-Mizello extended his hand out-
Lets go to the Elderbug. We can figure everything out once you feel better, okay? I promise we'll talk once you feel safe and aren't worried about not being accepted.
Amma sighed, and slowly took Mizello’s hand. “I just…” She fell quiet, and allowed them to lead her.
-Mizello, still cloaked, began walking to Elderbug's home, where they at least remembered her entering more often-
-They opened the door, and guided Amma in. However they did not enter themselves, hiding just outside the entrance-
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
“It’s not…the same. That’s just it. I grew up four hundred years ago, in conditions that they call the ‘Gilded Death Era.’ I’m marked by war, and my wings are gone. It’s not the same now.” Amma dug her claws into the dirt. “The way so many of them look at me…there’s so much pity, like I’m just a broken shell, incomplete
Then prove you are. Show them you aren't just a husk. So what if its not the same? People are still ready to help console you, and everyone has patience for you. Show them you're more than what they think of you.
Amma curled up her legs, her face furrowing in a glare. “You could do the same, you know. I want to be here, but I don’t want you to suffer and isolate yourself here based off their initial judgements.”
The Conductors are colonizers. We killed them all. There is nothing I can do for them to forgive me.
Also, we're talking about you right now.
-Mizello got up, standing in front of Amma-
Can we please go to elderbug, so you can talk about your worries to her? Then maybe you can head over to a lunch or mess hall, and talk to other people.
“But they know you were a firefly too. Elderbug knows it wasn’t your choice.”
Amma looked away. “I don’t…want to talk to all of them. They crowd me, it’s too much.”
It was absolutely my choice. Don't try to say the stuff I did wasn't my fault. I'm a horrible bug, Amma.
And maybe you can just do one on one? Get familiar with one bug at a time- hey, you like working with kids and baby bugs, yeah? Maybe you could use that as practice?
Amma glared at the ground. Yes, she wanted to do that. But.
“I don’t like how you’re talking. Like I need to be here, and you’re just going to…what? Suffer?”
I can get over myself, Amma. You need to be here. We'll figure something out, I promise. You need to be with your people more than anything else in the world, Ive seen and heard that, so please go talk to people.
“…I need to be with you, too, though,” Amma said quietly. “And not in a way that will make you suffer. You….you didn’t ask to come here.”
But I agreed. You don't need me as much as you need your people, okay? And, like I said, we'll figure something out. I deserve to suffer anyways.
-Mizello extended his hand out-
Lets go to the Elderbug. We can figure everything out once you feel better, okay? I promise we'll talk once you feel safe and aren't worried about not being accepted.
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
“It’s not…the same. That’s just it. I grew up four hundred years ago, in conditions that they call the ‘Gilded Death Era.’ I’m marked by war, and my wings are gone. It’s not the same now.” Amma dug her claws into the dirt. “The way so many of them look at me…there’s so much pity, like I’m just a broken shell, incomplete
Then prove you are. Show them you aren't just a husk. So what if its not the same? People are still ready to help console you, and everyone has patience for you. Show them you're more than what they think of you.
Amma curled up her legs, her face furrowing in a glare. “You could do the same, you know. I want to be here, but I don’t want you to suffer and isolate yourself here based off their initial judgements.”
The Conductors are colonizers. We killed them all. There is nothing I can do for them to forgive me.
Also, we're talking about you right now.
-Mizello got up, standing in front of Amma-
Can we please go to elderbug, so you can talk about your worries to her? Then maybe you can head over to a lunch or mess hall, and talk to other people.
“But they know you were a firefly too. Elderbug knows it wasn’t your choice.”
Amma looked away. “I don’t…want to talk to all of them. They crowd me, it’s too much.”
It was absolutely my choice. Don't try to say the stuff I did wasn't my fault. I'm a horrible bug, Amma.
And maybe you can just do one on one? Get familiar with one bug at a time- hey, you like working with kids and baby bugs, yeah? Maybe you could use that as practice?
Amma glared at the ground. Yes, she wanted to do that. But.
“I don’t like how you’re talking. Like I need to be here, and you’re just going to…what? Suffer?”
I can get over myself, Amma. You need to be here. We'll figure something out, I promise. You need to be with your people more than anything else in the world, Ive seen and heard that, so please go talk to people.
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
“It’s not…the same. That’s just it. I grew up four hundred years ago, in conditions that they call the ‘Gilded Death Era.’ I’m marked by war, and my wings are gone. It’s not the same now.” Amma dug her claws into the dirt. “The way so many of them look at me…there’s so much pity, like I’m just a broken shell, incomplete
Then prove you are. Show them you aren't just a husk. So what if its not the same? People are still ready to help console you, and everyone has patience for you. Show them you're more than what they think of you.
Amma curled up her legs, her face furrowing in a glare. “You could do the same, you know. I want to be here, but I don’t want you to suffer and isolate yourself here based off their initial judgements.”
The Conductors are colonizers. We killed them all. There is nothing I can do for them to forgive me.
Also, we're talking about you right now.
-Mizello got up, standing in front of Amma-
Can we please go to elderbug, so you can talk about your worries to her? Then maybe you can head over to a lunch or mess hall, and talk to other people.
“But they know you were a firefly too. Elderbug knows it wasn’t your choice.”
Amma looked away. “I don’t…want to talk to all of them. They crowd me, it’s too much.”
It was absolutely my choice. Don't try to say the stuff I did wasn't my fault. I'm a horrible bug, Amma.
And maybe you can just do one on one? Get familiar with one bug at a time- hey, you like working with kids and baby bugs, yeah? Maybe you could use that as practice?
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
“It’s not…the same. That’s just it. I grew up four hundred years ago, in conditions that they call the ‘Gilded Death Era.’ I’m marked by war, and my wings are gone. It’s not the same now.” Amma dug her claws into the dirt. “The way so many of them look at me…there’s so much pity, like I’m just a broken shell, incomplete
Then prove you are. Show them you aren't just a husk. So what if its not the same? People are still ready to help console you, and everyone has patience for you. Show them you're more than what they think of you.
Amma curled up her legs, her face furrowing in a glare. “You could do the same, you know. I want to be here, but I don’t want you to suffer and isolate yourself here based off their initial judgements.”
The Conductors are colonizers. We killed them all. There is nothing I can do for them to forgive me.
Also, we're talking about you right now.
-Mizello got up, standing in front of Amma-
Can we please go to elderbug, so you can talk about your worries to her? Then maybe you can head over to a lunch or mess hall, and talk to other people.
An inspirational quote for your journey:
❝ Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show
If you live like that, you live with ghosts ❞
- Taylor Swift
Thanks! How is this applicable to me? What does this have to do with me?
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
“It’s not…the same. That’s just it. I grew up four hundred years ago, in conditions that they call the ‘Gilded Death Era.’ I’m marked by war, and my wings are gone. It’s not the same now.” Amma dug her claws into the dirt. “The way so many of them look at me…there’s so much pity, like I’m just a broken shell, incomplete
Then prove you are. Show them you aren't just a husk. So what if its not the same? People are still ready to help console you, and everyone has patience for you. Show them you're more than what they think of you.
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma wiped her face. “They’re…they’re like me. But I’ve been gone so long, I barely remember what they’re like. They missed me, but…I don’t know them. Even though I’m supposed to be…here, supposed to be part of this, I feel….I’ve been gone so long I don’t know how to return.”
Well, maybe you can just tell them that? The elderbug seems understanding, you could tell her that you've forgotten a bunch of traditions and stuff about your culture, and I'm sure that even if you remembered, it's been four hundred years. There not even a chance that all the traditions have stayed the same.
Just put yourself out there. The best way to make friends is like to pretend you've always been in the group, so it's the best way to incorporate yourself into a society as well.
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
Amma sat cross-legged, tear tracks still on her face. “Mizello? I’m — I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
No no no, I deserved it. I'm sorry I tried to get you to leave, you don't deserve to be separated from the other beetles like I wanted. You deserve to stay.
-Mizello sat by Amma-
And can I ask -- why are you alone? I assumed you'd be with all the other beetles.
Amma sat alone, now. She’d retreated away from the other click beetles, overwhelmed and ashamed of her meltdown, sitting in a quiet corner of the cavern where she could watch the others buzz by.
( @mizellotheconductor )
-Mizello had changed his body to be unrecognizable and taken a hooded cloak that he had found outside (which obviously he would place back) to make sure nobody would see him-
-Mizello approached her, the most recognizable part of him was his glowing white eyes-
Amma? I.. I want to talk.
I need to talk to Amma again.
She thought she heard the Radiance wrong at first.
She did. She must have. That, or this was a truly cruel prank. Because they were gone. They'd been gone. They couldn't just...they were gone.
"That's not funny," she said quietly, and turned away to leave, before the buzzing of wings stopped her.
Another, younger bug had landed in front of the group, folding her wings and creeping towards Amma curiously.
She...she looked like her. She looked like her. The mask shape, the black body speckled with white, the limbs, and most telling, the huge eyespots on her back. "You're not...from the village."
Amma stumbled back, her breathing becoming heavy. Speak. Speak. Say something. Say anything.
The other click beetle crept closer, looking Amma up and down, one of her hands wrapped tightly around a long wooden staff, the mirror image of Amma's metal one. "You look...different. You're not...you're..."
Amma pressed her hands to her mouth, stifling a sob. It's not real. It's a dream. It can't be real. It feels so real.
The other beetle blinked, lowering her staff slowly. "Come on. Come on, come with me, it's okay, we're just going to get you cleaned up." She extended a hand, carefully, to Amma, who nearly wailed in response. "I think...I think I know who you are. But just come with us, okay?"
-Mizello, meanwhile, was not welcomed so easily-
-Their Conductor's mantle wasn't reacted to very kindly, with everyone that was out flinching and glaring at the sight. Even the other beetle couldn't help but look at Mizello and tense up-
-Although, who could blame them? That wasn't a very foreign sight in Pharloom, so Mizello was pretty used to it at this point-
-Although, they wondered why and how they'd still remember a Conductor's mantle, why would a small village of clickbeetles and fireflies care about a Conductor of all people?-
-Mizello thought back a little. Hm... Well, originally, they did all live in Livewater, so it makes sense all these guys are together, but that was so many years ago!-
-well, a lot of the conductors were sort of at fault for bilewater. So maybe that's why?-
-Mizello stuck by the Radiance for a little. Before deciding to start walking around and looking over all the little houses and stuff-
*She feels a tad awkward. Such reactions from both sides, what is going on here?*
So . . . Is the place up to your liking you four?
@amma-of-pharloom
The younger click beetle led Amma into the village, and Saranya and Tamas did not follow. Saranya knew she would need time -- she'd never truly thought that this could have been...true, been real, but...she knew Amma would need to comprehend this at her own pace.
"You...have I not told you? The click beetles were all wiped out from Pharloom by the Citadel four hundred years ago...Amma truly thought she was the sole survivor."
--
"Elderbug?" The click beetle called, as she led Amma deeper into the town. "Elderbug, I found...someone."
Another click beetle appeared. She appeared older than Amma, though her life certainly hadn't been extended, and had a calm, soft demeanor about her. Unlike the younger beetle, she didn't carry a staff.
"I think she's --"
The Elderbug raised a hand gently. "Let's not...get ahead of ourselves, here." She approached Amma carefully, the latter of which was still sobbing quietly, the elytra on her back buzzing just slightly. "Your journey was long, wasn't it?"
She wasn't just asking about the journey from Pharloom to Hallownest.
Through her heavy, near-hyperventilating breathing, Amma nodded.
"It's alright. You're here now, and that's what matters. You've made it home."
-Mizello, meanwhile, was exploring the whole village while prancing around like a foal-
-Although, nobody liked that they were doing that-
-Mizello was very curious, they felt like a kid again! So much to see, so much to do, mizello wondered what native games they'd have to play! Hopefully it was more than just some variation of "sticks" or "memory", those games were fun but.. A little boring. Actually, a lot boring in Mizello's case. Ooo, maybe they had poker? Or blackjack! Maybe even roulette, that was always fun if you wanted to get mad!-
-Mizello peaked their head in a store and-
-They Saw Someone-
-someone who looked exactly like their mother.-
-Mizello stopped right there.-
"I saw her. And I killed her. My own mother, her blood on my hands. I had to do it, otherwise I would be the one looking to Peace. I felt my head and my heart pulsing with silken magic while I did, the Weavers ready to blow me up for taking too long. I saw her call out to me in her last moments, not realizing her baby boy was the one holding her while she bled out on the mud floor, trying to get me to protect her. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry and I know I will never forgive myself. I hope nobody ever forgives me either."
-Mizello ran to find Amma.-
Amma was with the Elderbug, being slowly led down the path to a hot spring, where she would be cleaned up and talked to and taken care of.
She looked up, when she saw Mizello approach, her eyes widening when she saw the look on their face. "Mi...Mizello?" She whispered. For a small moment, she seemed torn, before weakly opening her arms to catch them in a hug.
The Elderbug stepped back, her eyes narrowing slightly at the mantle, but she didn't intervene. If this...if this was a friend of the lost child's, then she supposed she would tolerate their presence.
Amma. We need to leave. Now.
-Mizello said, as soon as they reached Amma. Their head ached with the speed if their run and how fast they had to process everything -- and, of course, with how the brain fog had dissipated from their head once more. Everything was spinning and they felt like they were 15 again, having to kill their mother all over again-
-Mizello did not hug Amma, opting to hover over her-
We can't stay here- I saw- I saw my mother, Amma. We can't stay here.
We need to go. Now.
-Mizello was also severely weakened here. Less silk, less to grab into, less to protect yourself with. Mizello needed to go back to Pharloom to get their bearings-
Amma whimpered softly, drawing back. Leave? Leave again?
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't....she couldn't --
"I. I can't."
She'd asked Mizello to leave, her mind told her distantly. But these were her people. She thought they'd all died. She couldn't -- she couldn't.
Elderbug drew forward slightly. His mother? This Conductor? Amma...Amma was certainly one of the two lost children, but the other...was this the other?
We need to, Amma. I saw her, she's here. I- she's supposed- she's supposed to be dead, but I saw her with my own eyes. We need to go, now.
I can't stay here. I can't look at her again. I can't watch her die again.
-Mizello didn't want to leave Amma, but they had to leave this village. They couldn't live while she was here -- although, they knew she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be alive, she shouldn't be walking around and at a store and buying groceries -- she couldn't even do that while she was alive! It wasn't something they could comprehend-
-Mizello couldn't handle being back with all the other fireflies. It barely took half an hour for Mizello's mind to break and the fog in their brain to be blown away, and all it took was someone that kind of looked like their mother. They couldn't stay here-
"Are -- are you sure it's her?" Amma looked frantic. What was she supposed to do? What could she do? "Maybe it was someone else? Are you sure?"
This -- the village -- wasn't a dream, clearly. It was real. It was real, and her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She couldn't. She couldn't let it go. She couldn't lose them again.
"Please. Please. I...I watched them die. I watched her die. I can't...I can't leave them again. I can't. Mizello, I..." Amma took a step back. Then another. "It would be like watching them die again. Don't make me choose. Please don't make me choose."
Her body hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her pins hurt. She remembered failing to save her mother, her amma. She remembered leaving, sacrificing herself in the hopes the Citadel wouldn't kill more click beetles.
She remembered nearly breaking herself in the Underworks. And then nearly breaking herself in the Memorium.
And then seeing the sewage pour in, and knowing it had all been for nothing.
And then. And then anger. Maybe it was misplaced. But Mizello had hurt her. All of the Conductors had hurt her. No one had stopped the sewage. She thought she could, if she'd tried hard enough, but they'd had the power. None of them stopped Romino. None of them stopped Romino when he poisoned half the kingdom. None of them stopped Romino when he tore out her wings.
She didn't ask to be alive. She didn't ask to be here. She didn't ask for these stars-forsaken pins to be sunk into her goddamn shell.
Maybe Bug Nobody was jealous of Bug Aware, but maybe Bug Nobody -- Bug Conductor, had still been in charge of the Whiteward.
Nobody in the Citadel had prevented her people from being murdered and poisoned. But they were here, now.
"You won't. You won't take me from them again. You hear me? You won't! You -- you sink your fucking pins in my back, you keep me from rejoining my family in the only way I could, and now you seek to take me away from them again? YOU WON'T!"
Maybe- maybe it was. But i can't stay here. I can't stay here with someone that looks like her, can't. I can't do that again.
-Mizello started to hyperventilate. Everything hurt-
I can't watch my mother die again, Amma. I can't watch her die. I can't. I know you love everyone and- and maybe we can visit! Maybe we can visit! But we can't stay here. We can't. I can't live like this.
-Mizello was then surprised by Amma's anger. They had seen her angry before, it was in the memorium. They had killed a grub for food and they didn't feel bad for it because they never did while they were like that, while they were happy. They saw Amma grow in size while she was angry, and snarl and pin them down and demand they pay retribution for what they had done-
-Mizello backed up just in case that happened again-
-They didn't know what to do. They couldn't stay here. They needed to go, they needed to leave before they were left alone with their thoughts and they saw their mother again and they had to kill her or they had to run away or they had to die to the weavers or they had to be killed by all the other Fireflies or they had to see her again or. They can't live like this. They can't. They needed to get out of here.-
-But they can't leave Amma-
We can visit! We can- we- we can- anything you want! I can't live here. I can't.
-Mizello wanted to leave. Amma didn't-
Amma did not pin down Mizello. Or snarl, or demand retribution.
She just screamed. Screaming, fullbody sobs, and for a moment, Mizello saw not the middle aged woman she was now, but the small, barely metamorphosized child wracked with grief and rage so huge she could barely hold it, standing over her mother’s body.
She didn’t hear ‘maybe we can visit.’ She didn’t hear ‘anything you want.’
She heard ‘leave.’ She heard ‘you can’t stay.’
“YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! DON’T MAKE ME, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN, PLEASE!”
She couldn’t do it all over. Work so hard it filled her lungs with poison, fight so hard it left her internals crushed, grieve so hard it caused her to fall to hell.
Her screams reached a pitch that the silk in her body started to writhe, and then in Mizello’s body too. A grieving child. An angry mother.
Her elytra opened involuntarily, and behind her the Elderbug’s eyes widened, abject horror crossing her face.
-Mizello was terrified-
-They would be scared if she had yelled, but they were horrified she wasn't-
-They stood, stunned-
-Mizello wanted to run, wanted to hide. They couldn't stay here. They couldn't be here-
-But Amma needed to stay. Amma needed to be here with all of them-
-Amma needed her family here, all her friends were here, maybe, she needed everything here-
-Mizello did not, clearly. But they did need one thing that would never leave-
-They needed Amma.-
-Mizello thought. They had survived a hundred years longer than Amma, and they had lived with much more. They'd be able to survive here, even if their mind was left in an even worse state than before therapy. Logically, they knew this. They came around to it emotionally by looking at Amma's face and seeing the pure anguish on it and how she couldn't leave, that she never could in the first place, she needed to be here, so Mizello could survive staying here and seeing his mother every day-
We.. We don't have to leave, okay? It'll be fine! We don't have to leave after all! Please stop screaming. We don't need to leave, I was wrong- I can survive! I can live! I was lying before! It's okay! It's all a big joke! We don't have to leave and it'll be okay!
-Mizello looked at the elderbug behind Amma-
I'm sorry.
Elderbug stepped forward with some haste, putting her hands up. “Conductor. You do not need to apologize to me, but you need to leave. Only for now. It’s not your fault, but she can’t hear you right now, I don’t believe, and we need to take care of her. Okay? Can you do that?” She looked visibly shaken — whether it was from Mizello’s panic, Amma’s fullbodied screaming that was rapidly becoming hoarse, or her torn wings, it was hard to tell. Perhaps all three. “I believe it’ll be okay. But you’re not okay here, so I think it would be in your best interest to go. Alright?” Her voice was gentle, soft — she truly seemed to hold no anger towards him. “Find your companions, don’t go off on your own. You can do that?”
Yes, yes, of course I can.
-Mizello turned around and exited as quickly as they could-
-They then paused to process everything -- well, everything they had been told-
-They'll be collected later, as usual. They'll just... Wander until further notice, yes-
-Although, they had no companions to speak of. They didn't have many friends besides Rosy (who was in Pharloom) and Amma (who they were discouraged from seeing)-
-Mizello was not welcome in this village, they recall. And they never ever would be, obviously. So it makes sense they needed to leave right now-
-Mizello looked around for anything they could use to get out of here, and eventually found the path of least resistance and started their walk. While they walked, they thought about every past sin they had commits, as their mind always brought up while they weren't occupied. They couldn't wait to forget once again-
Mizello did not go unnoticed, despite their best efforts.
After walking a while, they felt a presence in the shadows, footsteps that matched theirs. Somebody was there, quietly walking alongside them without speaking.
—
Amma found herself in a hotspring. How she had gotten there was a horrible blur, of screaming and pain and scratching at herself until her claws had gently been pried off her antennae.
Her chest was heaving, still shaking with sobs. She’d stopped screaming at some point, though she didn’t know if it had been a choice or if her voice had simply failed her. She heard soft humming, a series of steady, calm clicks.
“I can’t leave,” she whispered. “I can’t go.”
“You fought your very hardest to get here,” the Elderbug responded quietly. “We know of you. We know your story, of four hundred years ago. The beetles never forgot you, Amma, and every day for the past four centuries, over generations, we hoped you’d find your way back home.”
A long silence, as Elderbug poured warm water over Amma, soothing the pain as best she could. And then; “Your…wings.”
At this, Amma scrunched over and began to sob again, and Elderbug clicked and made little rhythmic ‘shh-sh-sh’ sounds. “It’s a horrible thing that they were taken. You have every right to grieve them. We…have a mourning ceremony, for such a loss, though it hasn’t been held in many, many years.”
-Mizello felt eyes looking at them. Mizello felt the eerieness of knowing you're being watched. Mizello heard and didn't see, and to be honest, they didn't want to see-
-Mizello wondered if the person walking besides them was someone planning on killing them. They hoped not, they wanted to see Amma at some point-
-They eventually came to a secluded area, one that had a slight drop into some convenient spikes. Mizello didn't hover over them, but they did back up a little-
-Mizello's general fatigue and the fact they haven't slept in the few days it took to get as far as they did in the wastes (they were too busy watching Amma), the fact they haven't eaten in a while, the fact they haven't drank anything in even longer, and the fact their head hurt had finally caught up to all of them. Which means Mizello collapsed on the ground. They haven't passed out yet, but their heart beat was slowing concerningly fast, just like it does when they forget-
The somebody made himself known. It was Tamas, who’d only been following to try and provide some company. In this darkness, however, it was easily for her to accidentally disappear.
He crouched by Mizello. “Seems it didn’t go very well then,” she said softly, pulling water from the air (and grateful to find that he could), and holding it out to them. “I need you to stay awake, so you can drink this. You’re not treating yourself well.”
—
“I am bad, I think,” Amma whispered. “I shouldn’t have screamed at them.”
“Your relationship seems complex. You love them, and they’ve hurt you.”
“But they’re not trying to now.”
“Your body doesn’t know that. The…old gilded citadel was a cruel place.”
“They’re hurting. I need to be with them.”
“It’s not good for them to be here right now. His…his reaction was different from yours. He was taken under different circumstances. But you do need to be here, right now.”
-Ah. Another bug. Nearby. Talking-
-Mizello reacted in true bug fashion, by flipping the fuck out and then assessing the situation-
-Mizello jumped up in the air at the sudden noise, their heart rate accelerating and almost killing them, before they fell back down, feeling even worse-
...
-Mizello looked over at Tamas-
.... Hi.
-Mizello slowly shrugged off their mantle, and looked at the water, dazed. They knew they were supposed to drink it and move but they hadn't processed that yet-
Tamas nearly jumped out of his own skin, before retreating back. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to stalk or scare you. It’s just me. I brought you water.”
—
“What do I do? Mizello…he can’t be here, and…I can’t leave. But I love them. I can’t lose them either. I can’t choose.”
“I…do not know. I cannot solve this problem for you. All we can do is take care of you, here and now.”
...
-Mizello took a few more moments to process that-
...
-Then they finally realized Tamas was talking to them and offering water and they should probably respond-
... Ah. Can I have the.. Water? Scaring thing is fine.
Tamas dropped the water into a small round shield, and then handed it to Mizello. “Please do. You’re extremely dehydrated.”
I am? I never noticed.
-Mizello did in fact notice before and probably noticed now, but they couldn't fully pinpoint what that feeling actually was, so they just relegated it to all the bad feeling locations: "bad"-
-Mizello took the shield and stared at it. For several minutes. Before finally using their proboscis to drink the water-
-Mizello was not having a fun time, mentally-
Tamas sat down next to Mizello after handing the water off, settling down on his own tail.
And then just sat there, quietly. If Mizello wanted to talk, he would.
-Mizello eventually finished the water, and felt a lot better! Who would have thunk-
...
-Mizello glanced up, now taking the time to think about what just happened-
Sorry for launching myself in the air when you tried to give me water. And sorry for staring at you before accepting the water. And thanks for the water.
Also, doesn't sitting on your tail hurt?
“No need to apologize. I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Tamas shifted a little bit. “But no. It’s very large and can more than handle my weight.”
Really? I thought it would be alike to sitting on an arm. Actually, is it like that? If so, can't be very comfortable.
-Mizello didn't know what to do with the shield, so they continues holding it gently-
“More like kneeling, actually.”
Tamas held out a hand, and dissolved the shield. “It…went poorly, then, in the village, I assume.” His voice was soft — an invitation for Mizello to talk, or to give a simple one word answer. “I’m sorry.”
It's not your fault, don't apologize.
I..
-Mizello thought back on the woman in the store-
She looked a lot like my mother. To me, at least, she did. She isn't, obviously, but she looked so much like her I got scared.i scared Amma too.
-Mizello hugged themself-
I don't think I can be here and be happy at the same time.
Tamas was quiet for a long moment, and then summoned a small orb of water, playing with it in his hands.
“What…is your definition of happy? Are you referring to contentness, or the fog you use on your mind? Or both?”
The fog, obviously. It's the only thing that keeps me even slightly close to being happy. I mean, you've seen me without it. Five hundred years of life is a lot for one person to handle.
“Hm. Do you enjoy the fog? Or does it just make things bearable for you?“
Ive come to enjoy it. It's good for me -- it's like how larvae learn to enjoy food besides raw meat with time, I just had to learn to enjoy it.
“Is it good for you?” Tamas tilted her head slightly. “You…don’t know all that much about me, but I deal with many of my problems by drinking. Is that good for me? What were to happen if something really horrible were to happen, and I had no alcohol to reach for? What happens then?”
-Mizello's first instinct was to be scared at the mention of drinking. But, they've learned to be tolerant of alcohol in all their passing years. Not every culture viewed it as a death wish to drink-
Its very, very good for me. Trust me. If I didn't have it, I probably would have died.
And I don't mind if you drink. It's fine. You're a God, aren't you? You probably aren't that affected by alcohol. And if you had no alcohol, you could just buy more.
“Oh, no. It can’t kill me, but I’m very affected by it.” Tamas fidgeted with the water orb for another moment, before speaking again. “I think…things that were good for you then might not be good for you now. Maybe it prevented you from dying then, but there could be…a better way to live, now?
Of course, you shouldn’t be forced to live in the village. If you feel unsafe there, then it would be a poor idea to force yourself.”
Well, I'm going to have to live there. Since Amma is probably gonna live in the heart of the village, Ill just go along with her and maybe leave the house whenever everyone is asleep so I bother the least amount of people. And the least amount of people try to kill me, or something.
Also, there definitely no better way to live. Although I'm not a conductor, I'm still gonna try to make another Whiteward here like I promised to do. Even if it leads to uh... A less than stable mental state. Although I've been there before, so it'll be fine.
-Mizello wondered if there really could be a better way to live. If they didn't have to have brain fog. And then they remembered that one time they had to put a mother bug into a meat grinder while she was alive. And remembered why they got the brain fog in the first place -- to make sure they didn't remember such awful things-
“I think you should talk about it, before jumping to conclusions. Amma was upset, and she will probably be for a while, but…perhaps you can negotiate living further out, at least? I know she does not want to hurt you.”
Tamas understood the burden of memories. She understood the desperation to be rid of them — hence, the alcohol. But…Mizello didn’t seem really…happy, while ‘happy’, either.
Oh, no, I wouldn't do that to her. She deserves to be comfortable and be with her people. And what good would living further out do? We still have to go into town and get stuff, that just makes it worse for the both of us. Well, it might make it a little better for me, but either way, it's pointless.
I can just apologize to Amma and she'll get given a house here.
“I think you’re missing something pretty important, Mizello.” Tamas put down her water, turning to face Mizello with all her attention. “Amma wouldn’t be this upset if she didn’t care. She wants to see you content and cared for and comfortable. Otherwise, this conflict wouldn’t have happened, at least not the way it did.”
Were you there for when she started freaking out? I tried to get her to leave, it'll just happen again if I suggest that we should live further out. It would have happened the same even if she didn't pity me. It's better if I just go along with her.
Also, I just freaked out and saw some random woman who kind of looked like my dead mom, which is a stupid thing for worry about. I'll get over it, anyhow.
She thought she heard the Radiance wrong at first.
She did. She must have. That, or this was a truly cruel prank. Because they were gone. They'd been gone. They couldn't just...they were gone.
"That's not funny," she said quietly, and turned away to leave, before the buzzing of wings stopped her.
Another, younger bug had landed in front of the group, folding her wings and creeping towards Amma curiously.
She...she looked like her. She looked like her. The mask shape, the black body speckled with white, the limbs, and most telling, the huge eyespots on her back. "You're not...from the village."
Amma stumbled back, her breathing becoming heavy. Speak. Speak. Say something. Say anything.
The other click beetle crept closer, looking Amma up and down, one of her hands wrapped tightly around a long wooden staff, the mirror image of Amma's metal one. "You look...different. You're not...you're..."
Amma pressed her hands to her mouth, stifling a sob. It's not real. It's a dream. It can't be real. It feels so real.
The other beetle blinked, lowering her staff slowly. "Come on. Come on, come with me, it's okay, we're just going to get you cleaned up." She extended a hand, carefully, to Amma, who nearly wailed in response. "I think...I think I know who you are. But just come with us, okay?"
-Mizello, meanwhile, was not welcomed so easily-
-Their Conductor's mantle wasn't reacted to very kindly, with everyone that was out flinching and glaring at the sight. Even the other beetle couldn't help but look at Mizello and tense up-
-Although, who could blame them? That wasn't a very foreign sight in Pharloom, so Mizello was pretty used to it at this point-
-Although, they wondered why and how they'd still remember a Conductor's mantle, why would a small village of clickbeetles and fireflies care about a Conductor of all people?-
-Mizello thought back a little. Hm... Well, originally, they did all live in Livewater, so it makes sense all these guys are together, but that was so many years ago!-
-well, a lot of the conductors were sort of at fault for bilewater. So maybe that's why?-
-Mizello stuck by the Radiance for a little. Before deciding to start walking around and looking over all the little houses and stuff-
*She feels a tad awkward. Such reactions from both sides, what is going on here?*
So . . . Is the place up to your liking you four?
@amma-of-pharloom
The younger click beetle led Amma into the village, and Saranya and Tamas did not follow. Saranya knew she would need time -- she'd never truly thought that this could have been...true, been real, but...she knew Amma would need to comprehend this at her own pace.
"You...have I not told you? The click beetles were all wiped out from Pharloom by the Citadel four hundred years ago...Amma truly thought she was the sole survivor."
--
"Elderbug?" The click beetle called, as she led Amma deeper into the town. "Elderbug, I found...someone."
Another click beetle appeared. She appeared older than Amma, though her life certainly hadn't been extended, and had a calm, soft demeanor about her. Unlike the younger beetle, she didn't carry a staff.
"I think she's --"
The Elderbug raised a hand gently. "Let's not...get ahead of ourselves, here." She approached Amma carefully, the latter of which was still sobbing quietly, the elytra on her back buzzing just slightly. "Your journey was long, wasn't it?"
She wasn't just asking about the journey from Pharloom to Hallownest.
Through her heavy, near-hyperventilating breathing, Amma nodded.
"It's alright. You're here now, and that's what matters. You've made it home."
-Mizello, meanwhile, was exploring the whole village while prancing around like a foal-
-Although, nobody liked that they were doing that-
-Mizello was very curious, they felt like a kid again! So much to see, so much to do, mizello wondered what native games they'd have to play! Hopefully it was more than just some variation of "sticks" or "memory", those games were fun but.. A little boring. Actually, a lot boring in Mizello's case. Ooo, maybe they had poker? Or blackjack! Maybe even roulette, that was always fun if you wanted to get mad!-
-Mizello peaked their head in a store and-
-They Saw Someone-
-someone who looked exactly like their mother.-
-Mizello stopped right there.-
"I saw her. And I killed her. My own mother, her blood on my hands. I had to do it, otherwise I would be the one looking to Peace. I felt my head and my heart pulsing with silken magic while I did, the Weavers ready to blow me up for taking too long. I saw her call out to me in her last moments, not realizing her baby boy was the one holding her while she bled out on the mud floor, trying to get me to protect her. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry and I know I will never forgive myself. I hope nobody ever forgives me either."
-Mizello ran to find Amma.-
Amma was with the Elderbug, being slowly led down the path to a hot spring, where she would be cleaned up and talked to and taken care of.
She looked up, when she saw Mizello approach, her eyes widening when she saw the look on their face. "Mi...Mizello?" She whispered. For a small moment, she seemed torn, before weakly opening her arms to catch them in a hug.
The Elderbug stepped back, her eyes narrowing slightly at the mantle, but she didn't intervene. If this...if this was a friend of the lost child's, then she supposed she would tolerate their presence.
Amma. We need to leave. Now.
-Mizello said, as soon as they reached Amma. Their head ached with the speed if their run and how fast they had to process everything -- and, of course, with how the brain fog had dissipated from their head once more. Everything was spinning and they felt like they were 15 again, having to kill their mother all over again-
-Mizello did not hug Amma, opting to hover over her-
We can't stay here- I saw- I saw my mother, Amma. We can't stay here.
We need to go. Now.
-Mizello was also severely weakened here. Less silk, less to grab into, less to protect yourself with. Mizello needed to go back to Pharloom to get their bearings-
Amma whimpered softly, drawing back. Leave? Leave again?
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't....she couldn't --
"I. I can't."
She'd asked Mizello to leave, her mind told her distantly. But these were her people. She thought they'd all died. She couldn't -- she couldn't.
Elderbug drew forward slightly. His mother? This Conductor? Amma...Amma was certainly one of the two lost children, but the other...was this the other?
We need to, Amma. I saw her, she's here. I- she's supposed- she's supposed to be dead, but I saw her with my own eyes. We need to go, now.
I can't stay here. I can't look at her again. I can't watch her die again.
-Mizello didn't want to leave Amma, but they had to leave this village. They couldn't live while she was here -- although, they knew she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be alive, she shouldn't be walking around and at a store and buying groceries -- she couldn't even do that while she was alive! It wasn't something they could comprehend-
-Mizello couldn't handle being back with all the other fireflies. It barely took half an hour for Mizello's mind to break and the fog in their brain to be blown away, and all it took was someone that kind of looked like their mother. They couldn't stay here-
"Are -- are you sure it's her?" Amma looked frantic. What was she supposed to do? What could she do? "Maybe it was someone else? Are you sure?"
This -- the village -- wasn't a dream, clearly. It was real. It was real, and her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She couldn't. She couldn't let it go. She couldn't lose them again.
"Please. Please. I...I watched them die. I watched her die. I can't...I can't leave them again. I can't. Mizello, I..." Amma took a step back. Then another. "It would be like watching them die again. Don't make me choose. Please don't make me choose."
Her body hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her pins hurt. She remembered failing to save her mother, her amma. She remembered leaving, sacrificing herself in the hopes the Citadel wouldn't kill more click beetles.
She remembered nearly breaking herself in the Underworks. And then nearly breaking herself in the Memorium.
And then seeing the sewage pour in, and knowing it had all been for nothing.
And then. And then anger. Maybe it was misplaced. But Mizello had hurt her. All of the Conductors had hurt her. No one had stopped the sewage. She thought she could, if she'd tried hard enough, but they'd had the power. None of them stopped Romino. None of them stopped Romino when he poisoned half the kingdom. None of them stopped Romino when he tore out her wings.
She didn't ask to be alive. She didn't ask to be here. She didn't ask for these stars-forsaken pins to be sunk into her goddamn shell.
Maybe Bug Nobody was jealous of Bug Aware, but maybe Bug Nobody -- Bug Conductor, had still been in charge of the Whiteward.
Nobody in the Citadel had prevented her people from being murdered and poisoned. But they were here, now.
"You won't. You won't take me from them again. You hear me? You won't! You -- you sink your fucking pins in my back, you keep me from rejoining my family in the only way I could, and now you seek to take me away from them again? YOU WON'T!"
Maybe- maybe it was. But i can't stay here. I can't stay here with someone that looks like her, can't. I can't do that again.
-Mizello started to hyperventilate. Everything hurt-
I can't watch my mother die again, Amma. I can't watch her die. I can't. I know you love everyone and- and maybe we can visit! Maybe we can visit! But we can't stay here. We can't. I can't live like this.
-Mizello was then surprised by Amma's anger. They had seen her angry before, it was in the memorium. They had killed a grub for food and they didn't feel bad for it because they never did while they were like that, while they were happy. They saw Amma grow in size while she was angry, and snarl and pin them down and demand they pay retribution for what they had done-
-Mizello backed up just in case that happened again-
-They didn't know what to do. They couldn't stay here. They needed to go, they needed to leave before they were left alone with their thoughts and they saw their mother again and they had to kill her or they had to run away or they had to die to the weavers or they had to be killed by all the other Fireflies or they had to see her again or. They can't live like this. They can't. They needed to get out of here.-
-But they can't leave Amma-
We can visit! We can- we- we can- anything you want! I can't live here. I can't.
-Mizello wanted to leave. Amma didn't-
Amma did not pin down Mizello. Or snarl, or demand retribution.
She just screamed. Screaming, fullbody sobs, and for a moment, Mizello saw not the middle aged woman she was now, but the small, barely metamorphosized child wracked with grief and rage so huge she could barely hold it, standing over her mother’s body.
She didn’t hear ‘maybe we can visit.’ She didn’t hear ‘anything you want.’
She heard ‘leave.’ She heard ‘you can’t stay.’
“YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! DON’T MAKE ME, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN, PLEASE!”
She couldn’t do it all over. Work so hard it filled her lungs with poison, fight so hard it left her internals crushed, grieve so hard it caused her to fall to hell.
Her screams reached a pitch that the silk in her body started to writhe, and then in Mizello’s body too. A grieving child. An angry mother.
Her elytra opened involuntarily, and behind her the Elderbug’s eyes widened, abject horror crossing her face.
-Mizello was terrified-
-They would be scared if she had yelled, but they were horrified she wasn't-
-They stood, stunned-
-Mizello wanted to run, wanted to hide. They couldn't stay here. They couldn't be here-
-But Amma needed to stay. Amma needed to be here with all of them-
-Amma needed her family here, all her friends were here, maybe, she needed everything here-
-Mizello did not, clearly. But they did need one thing that would never leave-
-They needed Amma.-
-Mizello thought. They had survived a hundred years longer than Amma, and they had lived with much more. They'd be able to survive here, even if their mind was left in an even worse state than before therapy. Logically, they knew this. They came around to it emotionally by looking at Amma's face and seeing the pure anguish on it and how she couldn't leave, that she never could in the first place, she needed to be here, so Mizello could survive staying here and seeing his mother every day-
We.. We don't have to leave, okay? It'll be fine! We don't have to leave after all! Please stop screaming. We don't need to leave, I was wrong- I can survive! I can live! I was lying before! It's okay! It's all a big joke! We don't have to leave and it'll be okay!
-Mizello looked at the elderbug behind Amma-
I'm sorry.
Elderbug stepped forward with some haste, putting her hands up. “Conductor. You do not need to apologize to me, but you need to leave. Only for now. It’s not your fault, but she can’t hear you right now, I don’t believe, and we need to take care of her. Okay? Can you do that?” She looked visibly shaken — whether it was from Mizello’s panic, Amma’s fullbodied screaming that was rapidly becoming hoarse, or her torn wings, it was hard to tell. Perhaps all three. “I believe it’ll be okay. But you’re not okay here, so I think it would be in your best interest to go. Alright?” Her voice was gentle, soft — she truly seemed to hold no anger towards him. “Find your companions, don’t go off on your own. You can do that?”
Yes, yes, of course I can.
-Mizello turned around and exited as quickly as they could-
-They then paused to process everything -- well, everything they had been told-
-They'll be collected later, as usual. They'll just... Wander until further notice, yes-
-Although, they had no companions to speak of. They didn't have many friends besides Rosy (who was in Pharloom) and Amma (who they were discouraged from seeing)-
-Mizello was not welcome in this village, they recall. And they never ever would be, obviously. So it makes sense they needed to leave right now-
-Mizello looked around for anything they could use to get out of here, and eventually found the path of least resistance and started their walk. While they walked, they thought about every past sin they had commits, as their mind always brought up while they weren't occupied. They couldn't wait to forget once again-
Mizello did not go unnoticed, despite their best efforts.
After walking a while, they felt a presence in the shadows, footsteps that matched theirs. Somebody was there, quietly walking alongside them without speaking.
—
Amma found herself in a hotspring. How she had gotten there was a horrible blur, of screaming and pain and scratching at herself until her claws had gently been pried off her antennae.
Her chest was heaving, still shaking with sobs. She’d stopped screaming at some point, though she didn’t know if it had been a choice or if her voice had simply failed her. She heard soft humming, a series of steady, calm clicks.
“I can’t leave,” she whispered. “I can’t go.”
“You fought your very hardest to get here,” the Elderbug responded quietly. “We know of you. We know your story, of four hundred years ago. The beetles never forgot you, Amma, and every day for the past four centuries, over generations, we hoped you’d find your way back home.”
A long silence, as Elderbug poured warm water over Amma, soothing the pain as best she could. And then; “Your…wings.”
At this, Amma scrunched over and began to sob again, and Elderbug clicked and made little rhythmic ‘shh-sh-sh’ sounds. “It’s a horrible thing that they were taken. You have every right to grieve them. We…have a mourning ceremony, for such a loss, though it hasn’t been held in many, many years.”
-Mizello felt eyes looking at them. Mizello felt the eerieness of knowing you're being watched. Mizello heard and didn't see, and to be honest, they didn't want to see-
-Mizello wondered if the person walking besides them was someone planning on killing them. They hoped not, they wanted to see Amma at some point-
-They eventually came to a secluded area, one that had a slight drop into some convenient spikes. Mizello didn't hover over them, but they did back up a little-
-Mizello's general fatigue and the fact they haven't slept in the few days it took to get as far as they did in the wastes (they were too busy watching Amma), the fact they haven't eaten in a while, the fact they haven't drank anything in even longer, and the fact their head hurt had finally caught up to all of them. Which means Mizello collapsed on the ground. They haven't passed out yet, but their heart beat was slowing concerningly fast, just like it does when they forget-
The somebody made himself known. It was Tamas, who’d only been following to try and provide some company. In this darkness, however, it was easily for her to accidentally disappear.
He crouched by Mizello. “Seems it didn’t go very well then,” she said softly, pulling water from the air (and grateful to find that he could), and holding it out to them. “I need you to stay awake, so you can drink this. You’re not treating yourself well.”
—
“I am bad, I think,” Amma whispered. “I shouldn’t have screamed at them.”
“Your relationship seems complex. You love them, and they’ve hurt you.”
“But they’re not trying to now.”
“Your body doesn’t know that. The…old gilded citadel was a cruel place.”
“They’re hurting. I need to be with them.”
“It’s not good for them to be here right now. His…his reaction was different from yours. He was taken under different circumstances. But you do need to be here, right now.”
-Ah. Another bug. Nearby. Talking-
-Mizello reacted in true bug fashion, by flipping the fuck out and then assessing the situation-
-Mizello jumped up in the air at the sudden noise, their heart rate accelerating and almost killing them, before they fell back down, feeling even worse-
...
-Mizello looked over at Tamas-
.... Hi.
-Mizello slowly shrugged off their mantle, and looked at the water, dazed. They knew they were supposed to drink it and move but they hadn't processed that yet-
Tamas nearly jumped out of his own skin, before retreating back. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to stalk or scare you. It’s just me. I brought you water.”
—
“What do I do? Mizello…he can’t be here, and…I can’t leave. But I love them. I can’t lose them either. I can’t choose.”
“I…do not know. I cannot solve this problem for you. All we can do is take care of you, here and now.”
...
-Mizello took a few more moments to process that-
...
-Then they finally realized Tamas was talking to them and offering water and they should probably respond-
... Ah. Can I have the.. Water? Scaring thing is fine.
Tamas dropped the water into a small round shield, and then handed it to Mizello. “Please do. You’re extremely dehydrated.”
I am? I never noticed.
-Mizello did in fact notice before and probably noticed now, but they couldn't fully pinpoint what that feeling actually was, so they just relegated it to all the bad feeling locations: "bad"-
-Mizello took the shield and stared at it. For several minutes. Before finally using their proboscis to drink the water-
-Mizello was not having a fun time, mentally-
Tamas sat down next to Mizello after handing the water off, settling down on his own tail.
And then just sat there, quietly. If Mizello wanted to talk, he would.
-Mizello eventually finished the water, and felt a lot better! Who would have thunk-
...
-Mizello glanced up, now taking the time to think about what just happened-
Sorry for launching myself in the air when you tried to give me water. And sorry for staring at you before accepting the water. And thanks for the water.
Also, doesn't sitting on your tail hurt?
“No need to apologize. I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Tamas shifted a little bit. “But no. It’s very large and can more than handle my weight.”
Really? I thought it would be alike to sitting on an arm. Actually, is it like that? If so, can't be very comfortable.
-Mizello didn't know what to do with the shield, so they continues holding it gently-
“More like kneeling, actually.”
Tamas held out a hand, and dissolved the shield. “It…went poorly, then, in the village, I assume.” His voice was soft — an invitation for Mizello to talk, or to give a simple one word answer. “I’m sorry.”
It's not your fault, don't apologize.
I..
-Mizello thought back on the woman in the store-
She looked a lot like my mother. To me, at least, she did. She isn't, obviously, but she looked so much like her I got scared.i scared Amma too.
-Mizello hugged themself-
I don't think I can be here and be happy at the same time.
Tamas was quiet for a long moment, and then summoned a small orb of water, playing with it in his hands.
“What…is your definition of happy? Are you referring to contentness, or the fog you use on your mind? Or both?”
The fog, obviously. It's the only thing that keeps me even slightly close to being happy. I mean, you've seen me without it. Five hundred years of life is a lot for one person to handle.
“Hm. Do you enjoy the fog? Or does it just make things bearable for you?“
Ive come to enjoy it. It's good for me -- it's like how larvae learn to enjoy food besides raw meat with time, I just had to learn to enjoy it.
“Is it good for you?” Tamas tilted her head slightly. “You…don’t know all that much about me, but I deal with many of my problems by drinking. Is that good for me? What were to happen if something really horrible were to happen, and I had no alcohol to reach for? What happens then?”
-Mizello's first instinct was to be scared at the mention of drinking. But, they've learned to be tolerant of alcohol in all their passing years. Not every culture viewed it as a death wish to drink-
Its very, very good for me. Trust me. If I didn't have it, I probably would have died.
And I don't mind if you drink. It's fine. You're a God, aren't you? You probably aren't that affected by alcohol. And if you had no alcohol, you could just buy more.
“Oh, no. It can’t kill me, but I’m very affected by it.” Tamas fidgeted with the water orb for another moment, before speaking again. “I think…things that were good for you then might not be good for you now. Maybe it prevented you from dying then, but there could be…a better way to live, now?
Of course, you shouldn’t be forced to live in the village. If you feel unsafe there, then it would be a poor idea to force yourself.”
Well, I'm going to have to live there. Since Amma is probably gonna live in the heart of the village, Ill just go along with her and maybe leave the house whenever everyone is asleep so I bother the least amount of people. And the least amount of people try to kill me, or something.
Also, there definitely no better way to live. Although I'm not a conductor, I'm still gonna try to make another Whiteward here like I promised to do. Even if it leads to uh... A less than stable mental state. Although I've been there before, so it'll be fine.
-Mizello wondered if there really could be a better way to live. If they didn't have to have brain fog. And then they remembered that one time they had to put a mother bug into a meat grinder while she was alive. And remembered why they got the brain fog in the first place -- to make sure they didn't remember such awful things-
“I think you should talk about it, before jumping to conclusions. Amma was upset, and she will probably be for a while, but…perhaps you can negotiate living further out, at least? I know she does not want to hurt you.”
Tamas understood the burden of memories. She understood the desperation to be rid of them — hence, the alcohol. But…Mizello didn’t seem really…happy, while ‘happy’, either.
Oh, no, I wouldn't do that to her. She deserves to be comfortable and be with her people. And what good would living further out do? We still have to go into town and get stuff, that just makes it worse for the both of us. Well, it might make it a little better for me, but either way, it's pointless.
I can just apologize to Amma and she'll get given a house here.
She thought she heard the Radiance wrong at first.
She did. She must have. That, or this was a truly cruel prank. Because they were gone. They'd been gone. They couldn't just...they were gone.
"That's not funny," she said quietly, and turned away to leave, before the buzzing of wings stopped her.
Another, younger bug had landed in front of the group, folding her wings and creeping towards Amma curiously.
She...she looked like her. She looked like her. The mask shape, the black body speckled with white, the limbs, and most telling, the huge eyespots on her back. "You're not...from the village."
Amma stumbled back, her breathing becoming heavy. Speak. Speak. Say something. Say anything.
The other click beetle crept closer, looking Amma up and down, one of her hands wrapped tightly around a long wooden staff, the mirror image of Amma's metal one. "You look...different. You're not...you're..."
Amma pressed her hands to her mouth, stifling a sob. It's not real. It's a dream. It can't be real. It feels so real.
The other beetle blinked, lowering her staff slowly. "Come on. Come on, come with me, it's okay, we're just going to get you cleaned up." She extended a hand, carefully, to Amma, who nearly wailed in response. "I think...I think I know who you are. But just come with us, okay?"
-Mizello, meanwhile, was not welcomed so easily-
-Their Conductor's mantle wasn't reacted to very kindly, with everyone that was out flinching and glaring at the sight. Even the other beetle couldn't help but look at Mizello and tense up-
-Although, who could blame them? That wasn't a very foreign sight in Pharloom, so Mizello was pretty used to it at this point-
-Although, they wondered why and how they'd still remember a Conductor's mantle, why would a small village of clickbeetles and fireflies care about a Conductor of all people?-
-Mizello thought back a little. Hm... Well, originally, they did all live in Livewater, so it makes sense all these guys are together, but that was so many years ago!-
-well, a lot of the conductors were sort of at fault for bilewater. So maybe that's why?-
-Mizello stuck by the Radiance for a little. Before deciding to start walking around and looking over all the little houses and stuff-
*She feels a tad awkward. Such reactions from both sides, what is going on here?*
So . . . Is the place up to your liking you four?
@amma-of-pharloom
The younger click beetle led Amma into the village, and Saranya and Tamas did not follow. Saranya knew she would need time -- she'd never truly thought that this could have been...true, been real, but...she knew Amma would need to comprehend this at her own pace.
"You...have I not told you? The click beetles were all wiped out from Pharloom by the Citadel four hundred years ago...Amma truly thought she was the sole survivor."
--
"Elderbug?" The click beetle called, as she led Amma deeper into the town. "Elderbug, I found...someone."
Another click beetle appeared. She appeared older than Amma, though her life certainly hadn't been extended, and had a calm, soft demeanor about her. Unlike the younger beetle, she didn't carry a staff.
"I think she's --"
The Elderbug raised a hand gently. "Let's not...get ahead of ourselves, here." She approached Amma carefully, the latter of which was still sobbing quietly, the elytra on her back buzzing just slightly. "Your journey was long, wasn't it?"
She wasn't just asking about the journey from Pharloom to Hallownest.
Through her heavy, near-hyperventilating breathing, Amma nodded.
"It's alright. You're here now, and that's what matters. You've made it home."
-Mizello, meanwhile, was exploring the whole village while prancing around like a foal-
-Although, nobody liked that they were doing that-
-Mizello was very curious, they felt like a kid again! So much to see, so much to do, mizello wondered what native games they'd have to play! Hopefully it was more than just some variation of "sticks" or "memory", those games were fun but.. A little boring. Actually, a lot boring in Mizello's case. Ooo, maybe they had poker? Or blackjack! Maybe even roulette, that was always fun if you wanted to get mad!-
-Mizello peaked their head in a store and-
-They Saw Someone-
-someone who looked exactly like their mother.-
-Mizello stopped right there.-
"I saw her. And I killed her. My own mother, her blood on my hands. I had to do it, otherwise I would be the one looking to Peace. I felt my head and my heart pulsing with silken magic while I did, the Weavers ready to blow me up for taking too long. I saw her call out to me in her last moments, not realizing her baby boy was the one holding her while she bled out on the mud floor, trying to get me to protect her. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry and I know I will never forgive myself. I hope nobody ever forgives me either."
-Mizello ran to find Amma.-
Amma was with the Elderbug, being slowly led down the path to a hot spring, where she would be cleaned up and talked to and taken care of.
She looked up, when she saw Mizello approach, her eyes widening when she saw the look on their face. "Mi...Mizello?" She whispered. For a small moment, she seemed torn, before weakly opening her arms to catch them in a hug.
The Elderbug stepped back, her eyes narrowing slightly at the mantle, but she didn't intervene. If this...if this was a friend of the lost child's, then she supposed she would tolerate their presence.
Amma. We need to leave. Now.
-Mizello said, as soon as they reached Amma. Their head ached with the speed if their run and how fast they had to process everything -- and, of course, with how the brain fog had dissipated from their head once more. Everything was spinning and they felt like they were 15 again, having to kill their mother all over again-
-Mizello did not hug Amma, opting to hover over her-
We can't stay here- I saw- I saw my mother, Amma. We can't stay here.
We need to go. Now.
-Mizello was also severely weakened here. Less silk, less to grab into, less to protect yourself with. Mizello needed to go back to Pharloom to get their bearings-
Amma whimpered softly, drawing back. Leave? Leave again?
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't....she couldn't --
"I. I can't."
She'd asked Mizello to leave, her mind told her distantly. But these were her people. She thought they'd all died. She couldn't -- she couldn't.
Elderbug drew forward slightly. His mother? This Conductor? Amma...Amma was certainly one of the two lost children, but the other...was this the other?
We need to, Amma. I saw her, she's here. I- she's supposed- she's supposed to be dead, but I saw her with my own eyes. We need to go, now.
I can't stay here. I can't look at her again. I can't watch her die again.
-Mizello didn't want to leave Amma, but they had to leave this village. They couldn't live while she was here -- although, they knew she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be alive, she shouldn't be walking around and at a store and buying groceries -- she couldn't even do that while she was alive! It wasn't something they could comprehend-
-Mizello couldn't handle being back with all the other fireflies. It barely took half an hour for Mizello's mind to break and the fog in their brain to be blown away, and all it took was someone that kind of looked like their mother. They couldn't stay here-
"Are -- are you sure it's her?" Amma looked frantic. What was she supposed to do? What could she do? "Maybe it was someone else? Are you sure?"
This -- the village -- wasn't a dream, clearly. It was real. It was real, and her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She couldn't. She couldn't let it go. She couldn't lose them again.
"Please. Please. I...I watched them die. I watched her die. I can't...I can't leave them again. I can't. Mizello, I..." Amma took a step back. Then another. "It would be like watching them die again. Don't make me choose. Please don't make me choose."
Her body hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her pins hurt. She remembered failing to save her mother, her amma. She remembered leaving, sacrificing herself in the hopes the Citadel wouldn't kill more click beetles.
She remembered nearly breaking herself in the Underworks. And then nearly breaking herself in the Memorium.
And then seeing the sewage pour in, and knowing it had all been for nothing.
And then. And then anger. Maybe it was misplaced. But Mizello had hurt her. All of the Conductors had hurt her. No one had stopped the sewage. She thought she could, if she'd tried hard enough, but they'd had the power. None of them stopped Romino. None of them stopped Romino when he poisoned half the kingdom. None of them stopped Romino when he tore out her wings.
She didn't ask to be alive. She didn't ask to be here. She didn't ask for these stars-forsaken pins to be sunk into her goddamn shell.
Maybe Bug Nobody was jealous of Bug Aware, but maybe Bug Nobody -- Bug Conductor, had still been in charge of the Whiteward.
Nobody in the Citadel had prevented her people from being murdered and poisoned. But they were here, now.
"You won't. You won't take me from them again. You hear me? You won't! You -- you sink your fucking pins in my back, you keep me from rejoining my family in the only way I could, and now you seek to take me away from them again? YOU WON'T!"
Maybe- maybe it was. But i can't stay here. I can't stay here with someone that looks like her, can't. I can't do that again.
-Mizello started to hyperventilate. Everything hurt-
I can't watch my mother die again, Amma. I can't watch her die. I can't. I know you love everyone and- and maybe we can visit! Maybe we can visit! But we can't stay here. We can't. I can't live like this.
-Mizello was then surprised by Amma's anger. They had seen her angry before, it was in the memorium. They had killed a grub for food and they didn't feel bad for it because they never did while they were like that, while they were happy. They saw Amma grow in size while she was angry, and snarl and pin them down and demand they pay retribution for what they had done-
-Mizello backed up just in case that happened again-
-They didn't know what to do. They couldn't stay here. They needed to go, they needed to leave before they were left alone with their thoughts and they saw their mother again and they had to kill her or they had to run away or they had to die to the weavers or they had to be killed by all the other Fireflies or they had to see her again or. They can't live like this. They can't. They needed to get out of here.-
-But they can't leave Amma-
We can visit! We can- we- we can- anything you want! I can't live here. I can't.
-Mizello wanted to leave. Amma didn't-
Amma did not pin down Mizello. Or snarl, or demand retribution.
She just screamed. Screaming, fullbody sobs, and for a moment, Mizello saw not the middle aged woman she was now, but the small, barely metamorphosized child wracked with grief and rage so huge she could barely hold it, standing over her mother’s body.
She didn’t hear ‘maybe we can visit.’ She didn’t hear ‘anything you want.’
She heard ‘leave.’ She heard ‘you can’t stay.’
“YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! DON’T MAKE ME, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN, PLEASE!”
She couldn’t do it all over. Work so hard it filled her lungs with poison, fight so hard it left her internals crushed, grieve so hard it caused her to fall to hell.
Her screams reached a pitch that the silk in her body started to writhe, and then in Mizello’s body too. A grieving child. An angry mother.
Her elytra opened involuntarily, and behind her the Elderbug’s eyes widened, abject horror crossing her face.
-Mizello was terrified-
-They would be scared if she had yelled, but they were horrified she wasn't-
-They stood, stunned-
-Mizello wanted to run, wanted to hide. They couldn't stay here. They couldn't be here-
-But Amma needed to stay. Amma needed to be here with all of them-
-Amma needed her family here, all her friends were here, maybe, she needed everything here-
-Mizello did not, clearly. But they did need one thing that would never leave-
-They needed Amma.-
-Mizello thought. They had survived a hundred years longer than Amma, and they had lived with much more. They'd be able to survive here, even if their mind was left in an even worse state than before therapy. Logically, they knew this. They came around to it emotionally by looking at Amma's face and seeing the pure anguish on it and how she couldn't leave, that she never could in the first place, she needed to be here, so Mizello could survive staying here and seeing his mother every day-
We.. We don't have to leave, okay? It'll be fine! We don't have to leave after all! Please stop screaming. We don't need to leave, I was wrong- I can survive! I can live! I was lying before! It's okay! It's all a big joke! We don't have to leave and it'll be okay!
-Mizello looked at the elderbug behind Amma-
I'm sorry.
Elderbug stepped forward with some haste, putting her hands up. “Conductor. You do not need to apologize to me, but you need to leave. Only for now. It’s not your fault, but she can’t hear you right now, I don’t believe, and we need to take care of her. Okay? Can you do that?” She looked visibly shaken — whether it was from Mizello’s panic, Amma’s fullbodied screaming that was rapidly becoming hoarse, or her torn wings, it was hard to tell. Perhaps all three. “I believe it’ll be okay. But you’re not okay here, so I think it would be in your best interest to go. Alright?” Her voice was gentle, soft — she truly seemed to hold no anger towards him. “Find your companions, don’t go off on your own. You can do that?”
Yes, yes, of course I can.
-Mizello turned around and exited as quickly as they could-
-They then paused to process everything -- well, everything they had been told-
-They'll be collected later, as usual. They'll just... Wander until further notice, yes-
-Although, they had no companions to speak of. They didn't have many friends besides Rosy (who was in Pharloom) and Amma (who they were discouraged from seeing)-
-Mizello was not welcome in this village, they recall. And they never ever would be, obviously. So it makes sense they needed to leave right now-
-Mizello looked around for anything they could use to get out of here, and eventually found the path of least resistance and started their walk. While they walked, they thought about every past sin they had commits, as their mind always brought up while they weren't occupied. They couldn't wait to forget once again-
Mizello did not go unnoticed, despite their best efforts.
After walking a while, they felt a presence in the shadows, footsteps that matched theirs. Somebody was there, quietly walking alongside them without speaking.
—
Amma found herself in a hotspring. How she had gotten there was a horrible blur, of screaming and pain and scratching at herself until her claws had gently been pried off her antennae.
Her chest was heaving, still shaking with sobs. She’d stopped screaming at some point, though she didn’t know if it had been a choice or if her voice had simply failed her. She heard soft humming, a series of steady, calm clicks.
“I can’t leave,” she whispered. “I can’t go.”
“You fought your very hardest to get here,” the Elderbug responded quietly. “We know of you. We know your story, of four hundred years ago. The beetles never forgot you, Amma, and every day for the past four centuries, over generations, we hoped you’d find your way back home.”
A long silence, as Elderbug poured warm water over Amma, soothing the pain as best she could. And then; “Your…wings.”
At this, Amma scrunched over and began to sob again, and Elderbug clicked and made little rhythmic ‘shh-sh-sh’ sounds. “It’s a horrible thing that they were taken. You have every right to grieve them. We…have a mourning ceremony, for such a loss, though it hasn’t been held in many, many years.”
-Mizello felt eyes looking at them. Mizello felt the eerieness of knowing you're being watched. Mizello heard and didn't see, and to be honest, they didn't want to see-
-Mizello wondered if the person walking besides them was someone planning on killing them. They hoped not, they wanted to see Amma at some point-
-They eventually came to a secluded area, one that had a slight drop into some convenient spikes. Mizello didn't hover over them, but they did back up a little-
-Mizello's general fatigue and the fact they haven't slept in the few days it took to get as far as they did in the wastes (they were too busy watching Amma), the fact they haven't eaten in a while, the fact they haven't drank anything in even longer, and the fact their head hurt had finally caught up to all of them. Which means Mizello collapsed on the ground. They haven't passed out yet, but their heart beat was slowing concerningly fast, just like it does when they forget-
The somebody made himself known. It was Tamas, who’d only been following to try and provide some company. In this darkness, however, it was easily for her to accidentally disappear.
He crouched by Mizello. “Seems it didn’t go very well then,” she said softly, pulling water from the air (and grateful to find that he could), and holding it out to them. “I need you to stay awake, so you can drink this. You’re not treating yourself well.”
—
“I am bad, I think,” Amma whispered. “I shouldn’t have screamed at them.”
“Your relationship seems complex. You love them, and they’ve hurt you.”
“But they’re not trying to now.”
“Your body doesn’t know that. The…old gilded citadel was a cruel place.”
“They’re hurting. I need to be with them.”
“It’s not good for them to be here right now. His…his reaction was different from yours. He was taken under different circumstances. But you do need to be here, right now.”
-Ah. Another bug. Nearby. Talking-
-Mizello reacted in true bug fashion, by flipping the fuck out and then assessing the situation-
-Mizello jumped up in the air at the sudden noise, their heart rate accelerating and almost killing them, before they fell back down, feeling even worse-
...
-Mizello looked over at Tamas-
.... Hi.
-Mizello slowly shrugged off their mantle, and looked at the water, dazed. They knew they were supposed to drink it and move but they hadn't processed that yet-
Tamas nearly jumped out of his own skin, before retreating back. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to stalk or scare you. It’s just me. I brought you water.”
—
“What do I do? Mizello…he can’t be here, and…I can’t leave. But I love them. I can’t lose them either. I can’t choose.”
“I…do not know. I cannot solve this problem for you. All we can do is take care of you, here and now.”
...
-Mizello took a few more moments to process that-
...
-Then they finally realized Tamas was talking to them and offering water and they should probably respond-
... Ah. Can I have the.. Water? Scaring thing is fine.
Tamas dropped the water into a small round shield, and then handed it to Mizello. “Please do. You’re extremely dehydrated.”
I am? I never noticed.
-Mizello did in fact notice before and probably noticed now, but they couldn't fully pinpoint what that feeling actually was, so they just relegated it to all the bad feeling locations: "bad"-
-Mizello took the shield and stared at it. For several minutes. Before finally using their proboscis to drink the water-
-Mizello was not having a fun time, mentally-
Tamas sat down next to Mizello after handing the water off, settling down on his own tail.
And then just sat there, quietly. If Mizello wanted to talk, he would.
-Mizello eventually finished the water, and felt a lot better! Who would have thunk-
...
-Mizello glanced up, now taking the time to think about what just happened-
Sorry for launching myself in the air when you tried to give me water. And sorry for staring at you before accepting the water. And thanks for the water.
Also, doesn't sitting on your tail hurt?
“No need to apologize. I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Tamas shifted a little bit. “But no. It’s very large and can more than handle my weight.”
Really? I thought it would be alike to sitting on an arm. Actually, is it like that? If so, can't be very comfortable.
-Mizello didn't know what to do with the shield, so they continues holding it gently-
“More like kneeling, actually.”
Tamas held out a hand, and dissolved the shield. “It…went poorly, then, in the village, I assume.” His voice was soft — an invitation for Mizello to talk, or to give a simple one word answer. “I’m sorry.”
It's not your fault, don't apologize.
I..
-Mizello thought back on the woman in the store-
She looked a lot like my mother. To me, at least, she did. She isn't, obviously, but she looked so much like her I got scared.i scared Amma too.
-Mizello hugged themself-
I don't think I can be here and be happy at the same time.
Tamas was quiet for a long moment, and then summoned a small orb of water, playing with it in his hands.
“What…is your definition of happy? Are you referring to contentness, or the fog you use on your mind? Or both?”
The fog, obviously. It's the only thing that keeps me even slightly close to being happy. I mean, you've seen me without it. Five hundred years of life is a lot for one person to handle.
“Hm. Do you enjoy the fog? Or does it just make things bearable for you?“
Ive come to enjoy it. It's good for me -- it's like how larvae learn to enjoy food besides raw meat with time, I just had to learn to enjoy it.
“Is it good for you?” Tamas tilted her head slightly. “You…don’t know all that much about me, but I deal with many of my problems by drinking. Is that good for me? What were to happen if something really horrible were to happen, and I had no alcohol to reach for? What happens then?”
-Mizello's first instinct was to be scared at the mention of drinking. But, they've learned to be tolerant of alcohol in all their passing years. Not every culture viewed it as a death wish to drink-
Its very, very good for me. Trust me. If I didn't have it, I probably would have died.
And I don't mind if you drink. It's fine. You're a God, aren't you? You probably aren't that affected by alcohol. And if you had no alcohol, you could just buy more.
“Oh, no. It can’t kill me, but I’m very affected by it.” Tamas fidgeted with the water orb for another moment, before speaking again. “I think…things that were good for you then might not be good for you now. Maybe it prevented you from dying then, but there could be…a better way to live, now?
Of course, you shouldn’t be forced to live in the village. If you feel unsafe there, then it would be a poor idea to force yourself.”
Well, I'm going to have to live there. Since Amma is probably gonna live in the heart of the village, Ill just go along with her and maybe leave the house whenever everyone is asleep so I bother the least amount of people. And the least amount of people try to kill me, or something.
Also, there definitely no better way to live. Although I'm not a conductor, I'm still gonna try to make another Whiteward here like I promised to do. Even if it leads to uh... A less than stable mental state. Although I've been there before, so it'll be fine.
-Mizello wondered if there really could be a better way to live. If they didn't have to have brain fog. And then they remembered that one time they had to put a mother bug into a meat grinder while she was alive. And remembered why they got the brain fog in the first place -- to make sure they didn't remember such awful things-
She thought she heard the Radiance wrong at first.
She did. She must have. That, or this was a truly cruel prank. Because they were gone. They'd been gone. They couldn't just...they were gone.
"That's not funny," she said quietly, and turned away to leave, before the buzzing of wings stopped her.
Another, younger bug had landed in front of the group, folding her wings and creeping towards Amma curiously.
She...she looked like her. She looked like her. The mask shape, the black body speckled with white, the limbs, and most telling, the huge eyespots on her back. "You're not...from the village."
Amma stumbled back, her breathing becoming heavy. Speak. Speak. Say something. Say anything.
The other click beetle crept closer, looking Amma up and down, one of her hands wrapped tightly around a long wooden staff, the mirror image of Amma's metal one. "You look...different. You're not...you're..."
Amma pressed her hands to her mouth, stifling a sob. It's not real. It's a dream. It can't be real. It feels so real.
The other beetle blinked, lowering her staff slowly. "Come on. Come on, come with me, it's okay, we're just going to get you cleaned up." She extended a hand, carefully, to Amma, who nearly wailed in response. "I think...I think I know who you are. But just come with us, okay?"
-Mizello, meanwhile, was not welcomed so easily-
-Their Conductor's mantle wasn't reacted to very kindly, with everyone that was out flinching and glaring at the sight. Even the other beetle couldn't help but look at Mizello and tense up-
-Although, who could blame them? That wasn't a very foreign sight in Pharloom, so Mizello was pretty used to it at this point-
-Although, they wondered why and how they'd still remember a Conductor's mantle, why would a small village of clickbeetles and fireflies care about a Conductor of all people?-
-Mizello thought back a little. Hm... Well, originally, they did all live in Livewater, so it makes sense all these guys are together, but that was so many years ago!-
-well, a lot of the conductors were sort of at fault for bilewater. So maybe that's why?-
-Mizello stuck by the Radiance for a little. Before deciding to start walking around and looking over all the little houses and stuff-
*She feels a tad awkward. Such reactions from both sides, what is going on here?*
So . . . Is the place up to your liking you four?
@amma-of-pharloom
The younger click beetle led Amma into the village, and Saranya and Tamas did not follow. Saranya knew she would need time -- she'd never truly thought that this could have been...true, been real, but...she knew Amma would need to comprehend this at her own pace.
"You...have I not told you? The click beetles were all wiped out from Pharloom by the Citadel four hundred years ago...Amma truly thought she was the sole survivor."
--
"Elderbug?" The click beetle called, as she led Amma deeper into the town. "Elderbug, I found...someone."
Another click beetle appeared. She appeared older than Amma, though her life certainly hadn't been extended, and had a calm, soft demeanor about her. Unlike the younger beetle, she didn't carry a staff.
"I think she's --"
The Elderbug raised a hand gently. "Let's not...get ahead of ourselves, here." She approached Amma carefully, the latter of which was still sobbing quietly, the elytra on her back buzzing just slightly. "Your journey was long, wasn't it?"
She wasn't just asking about the journey from Pharloom to Hallownest.
Through her heavy, near-hyperventilating breathing, Amma nodded.
"It's alright. You're here now, and that's what matters. You've made it home."
-Mizello, meanwhile, was exploring the whole village while prancing around like a foal-
-Although, nobody liked that they were doing that-
-Mizello was very curious, they felt like a kid again! So much to see, so much to do, mizello wondered what native games they'd have to play! Hopefully it was more than just some variation of "sticks" or "memory", those games were fun but.. A little boring. Actually, a lot boring in Mizello's case. Ooo, maybe they had poker? Or blackjack! Maybe even roulette, that was always fun if you wanted to get mad!-
-Mizello peaked their head in a store and-
-They Saw Someone-
-someone who looked exactly like their mother.-
-Mizello stopped right there.-
"I saw her. And I killed her. My own mother, her blood on my hands. I had to do it, otherwise I would be the one looking to Peace. I felt my head and my heart pulsing with silken magic while I did, the Weavers ready to blow me up for taking too long. I saw her call out to me in her last moments, not realizing her baby boy was the one holding her while she bled out on the mud floor, trying to get me to protect her. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry and I know I will never forgive myself. I hope nobody ever forgives me either."
-Mizello ran to find Amma.-
Amma was with the Elderbug, being slowly led down the path to a hot spring, where she would be cleaned up and talked to and taken care of.
She looked up, when she saw Mizello approach, her eyes widening when she saw the look on their face. "Mi...Mizello?" She whispered. For a small moment, she seemed torn, before weakly opening her arms to catch them in a hug.
The Elderbug stepped back, her eyes narrowing slightly at the mantle, but she didn't intervene. If this...if this was a friend of the lost child's, then she supposed she would tolerate their presence.
Amma. We need to leave. Now.
-Mizello said, as soon as they reached Amma. Their head ached with the speed if their run and how fast they had to process everything -- and, of course, with how the brain fog had dissipated from their head once more. Everything was spinning and they felt like they were 15 again, having to kill their mother all over again-
-Mizello did not hug Amma, opting to hover over her-
We can't stay here- I saw- I saw my mother, Amma. We can't stay here.
We need to go. Now.
-Mizello was also severely weakened here. Less silk, less to grab into, less to protect yourself with. Mizello needed to go back to Pharloom to get their bearings-
Amma whimpered softly, drawing back. Leave? Leave again?
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't....she couldn't --
"I. I can't."
She'd asked Mizello to leave, her mind told her distantly. But these were her people. She thought they'd all died. She couldn't -- she couldn't.
Elderbug drew forward slightly. His mother? This Conductor? Amma...Amma was certainly one of the two lost children, but the other...was this the other?
We need to, Amma. I saw her, she's here. I- she's supposed- she's supposed to be dead, but I saw her with my own eyes. We need to go, now.
I can't stay here. I can't look at her again. I can't watch her die again.
-Mizello didn't want to leave Amma, but they had to leave this village. They couldn't live while she was here -- although, they knew she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be alive, she shouldn't be walking around and at a store and buying groceries -- she couldn't even do that while she was alive! It wasn't something they could comprehend-
-Mizello couldn't handle being back with all the other fireflies. It barely took half an hour for Mizello's mind to break and the fog in their brain to be blown away, and all it took was someone that kind of looked like their mother. They couldn't stay here-
"Are -- are you sure it's her?" Amma looked frantic. What was she supposed to do? What could she do? "Maybe it was someone else? Are you sure?"
This -- the village -- wasn't a dream, clearly. It was real. It was real, and her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She couldn't. She couldn't let it go. She couldn't lose them again.
"Please. Please. I...I watched them die. I watched her die. I can't...I can't leave them again. I can't. Mizello, I..." Amma took a step back. Then another. "It would be like watching them die again. Don't make me choose. Please don't make me choose."
Her body hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her pins hurt. She remembered failing to save her mother, her amma. She remembered leaving, sacrificing herself in the hopes the Citadel wouldn't kill more click beetles.
She remembered nearly breaking herself in the Underworks. And then nearly breaking herself in the Memorium.
And then seeing the sewage pour in, and knowing it had all been for nothing.
And then. And then anger. Maybe it was misplaced. But Mizello had hurt her. All of the Conductors had hurt her. No one had stopped the sewage. She thought she could, if she'd tried hard enough, but they'd had the power. None of them stopped Romino. None of them stopped Romino when he poisoned half the kingdom. None of them stopped Romino when he tore out her wings.
She didn't ask to be alive. She didn't ask to be here. She didn't ask for these stars-forsaken pins to be sunk into her goddamn shell.
Maybe Bug Nobody was jealous of Bug Aware, but maybe Bug Nobody -- Bug Conductor, had still been in charge of the Whiteward.
Nobody in the Citadel had prevented her people from being murdered and poisoned. But they were here, now.
"You won't. You won't take me from them again. You hear me? You won't! You -- you sink your fucking pins in my back, you keep me from rejoining my family in the only way I could, and now you seek to take me away from them again? YOU WON'T!"
Maybe- maybe it was. But i can't stay here. I can't stay here with someone that looks like her, can't. I can't do that again.
-Mizello started to hyperventilate. Everything hurt-
I can't watch my mother die again, Amma. I can't watch her die. I can't. I know you love everyone and- and maybe we can visit! Maybe we can visit! But we can't stay here. We can't. I can't live like this.
-Mizello was then surprised by Amma's anger. They had seen her angry before, it was in the memorium. They had killed a grub for food and they didn't feel bad for it because they never did while they were like that, while they were happy. They saw Amma grow in size while she was angry, and snarl and pin them down and demand they pay retribution for what they had done-
-Mizello backed up just in case that happened again-
-They didn't know what to do. They couldn't stay here. They needed to go, they needed to leave before they were left alone with their thoughts and they saw their mother again and they had to kill her or they had to run away or they had to die to the weavers or they had to be killed by all the other Fireflies or they had to see her again or. They can't live like this. They can't. They needed to get out of here.-
-But they can't leave Amma-
We can visit! We can- we- we can- anything you want! I can't live here. I can't.
-Mizello wanted to leave. Amma didn't-
Amma did not pin down Mizello. Or snarl, or demand retribution.
She just screamed. Screaming, fullbody sobs, and for a moment, Mizello saw not the middle aged woman she was now, but the small, barely metamorphosized child wracked with grief and rage so huge she could barely hold it, standing over her mother’s body.
She didn’t hear ‘maybe we can visit.’ She didn’t hear ‘anything you want.’
She heard ‘leave.’ She heard ‘you can’t stay.’
“YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! DON’T MAKE ME, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN, PLEASE!”
She couldn’t do it all over. Work so hard it filled her lungs with poison, fight so hard it left her internals crushed, grieve so hard it caused her to fall to hell.
Her screams reached a pitch that the silk in her body started to writhe, and then in Mizello’s body too. A grieving child. An angry mother.
Her elytra opened involuntarily, and behind her the Elderbug’s eyes widened, abject horror crossing her face.
-Mizello was terrified-
-They would be scared if she had yelled, but they were horrified she wasn't-
-They stood, stunned-
-Mizello wanted to run, wanted to hide. They couldn't stay here. They couldn't be here-
-But Amma needed to stay. Amma needed to be here with all of them-
-Amma needed her family here, all her friends were here, maybe, she needed everything here-
-Mizello did not, clearly. But they did need one thing that would never leave-
-They needed Amma.-
-Mizello thought. They had survived a hundred years longer than Amma, and they had lived with much more. They'd be able to survive here, even if their mind was left in an even worse state than before therapy. Logically, they knew this. They came around to it emotionally by looking at Amma's face and seeing the pure anguish on it and how she couldn't leave, that she never could in the first place, she needed to be here, so Mizello could survive staying here and seeing his mother every day-
We.. We don't have to leave, okay? It'll be fine! We don't have to leave after all! Please stop screaming. We don't need to leave, I was wrong- I can survive! I can live! I was lying before! It's okay! It's all a big joke! We don't have to leave and it'll be okay!
-Mizello looked at the elderbug behind Amma-
I'm sorry.
Elderbug stepped forward with some haste, putting her hands up. “Conductor. You do not need to apologize to me, but you need to leave. Only for now. It’s not your fault, but she can’t hear you right now, I don’t believe, and we need to take care of her. Okay? Can you do that?” She looked visibly shaken — whether it was from Mizello’s panic, Amma’s fullbodied screaming that was rapidly becoming hoarse, or her torn wings, it was hard to tell. Perhaps all three. “I believe it’ll be okay. But you’re not okay here, so I think it would be in your best interest to go. Alright?” Her voice was gentle, soft — she truly seemed to hold no anger towards him. “Find your companions, don’t go off on your own. You can do that?”
Yes, yes, of course I can.
-Mizello turned around and exited as quickly as they could-
-They then paused to process everything -- well, everything they had been told-
-They'll be collected later, as usual. They'll just... Wander until further notice, yes-
-Although, they had no companions to speak of. They didn't have many friends besides Rosy (who was in Pharloom) and Amma (who they were discouraged from seeing)-
-Mizello was not welcome in this village, they recall. And they never ever would be, obviously. So it makes sense they needed to leave right now-
-Mizello looked around for anything they could use to get out of here, and eventually found the path of least resistance and started their walk. While they walked, they thought about every past sin they had commits, as their mind always brought up while they weren't occupied. They couldn't wait to forget once again-
Mizello did not go unnoticed, despite their best efforts.
After walking a while, they felt a presence in the shadows, footsteps that matched theirs. Somebody was there, quietly walking alongside them without speaking.
—
Amma found herself in a hotspring. How she had gotten there was a horrible blur, of screaming and pain and scratching at herself until her claws had gently been pried off her antennae.
Her chest was heaving, still shaking with sobs. She’d stopped screaming at some point, though she didn’t know if it had been a choice or if her voice had simply failed her. She heard soft humming, a series of steady, calm clicks.
“I can’t leave,” she whispered. “I can’t go.”
“You fought your very hardest to get here,” the Elderbug responded quietly. “We know of you. We know your story, of four hundred years ago. The beetles never forgot you, Amma, and every day for the past four centuries, over generations, we hoped you’d find your way back home.”
A long silence, as Elderbug poured warm water over Amma, soothing the pain as best she could. And then; “Your…wings.”
At this, Amma scrunched over and began to sob again, and Elderbug clicked and made little rhythmic ‘shh-sh-sh’ sounds. “It’s a horrible thing that they were taken. You have every right to grieve them. We…have a mourning ceremony, for such a loss, though it hasn’t been held in many, many years.”
-Mizello felt eyes looking at them. Mizello felt the eerieness of knowing you're being watched. Mizello heard and didn't see, and to be honest, they didn't want to see-
-Mizello wondered if the person walking besides them was someone planning on killing them. They hoped not, they wanted to see Amma at some point-
-They eventually came to a secluded area, one that had a slight drop into some convenient spikes. Mizello didn't hover over them, but they did back up a little-
-Mizello's general fatigue and the fact they haven't slept in the few days it took to get as far as they did in the wastes (they were too busy watching Amma), the fact they haven't eaten in a while, the fact they haven't drank anything in even longer, and the fact their head hurt had finally caught up to all of them. Which means Mizello collapsed on the ground. They haven't passed out yet, but their heart beat was slowing concerningly fast, just like it does when they forget-
The somebody made himself known. It was Tamas, who’d only been following to try and provide some company. In this darkness, however, it was easily for her to accidentally disappear.
He crouched by Mizello. “Seems it didn’t go very well then,” she said softly, pulling water from the air (and grateful to find that he could), and holding it out to them. “I need you to stay awake, so you can drink this. You’re not treating yourself well.”
—
“I am bad, I think,” Amma whispered. “I shouldn’t have screamed at them.”
“Your relationship seems complex. You love them, and they’ve hurt you.”
“But they’re not trying to now.”
“Your body doesn’t know that. The…old gilded citadel was a cruel place.”
“They’re hurting. I need to be with them.”
“It’s not good for them to be here right now. His…his reaction was different from yours. He was taken under different circumstances. But you do need to be here, right now.”
-Ah. Another bug. Nearby. Talking-
-Mizello reacted in true bug fashion, by flipping the fuck out and then assessing the situation-
-Mizello jumped up in the air at the sudden noise, their heart rate accelerating and almost killing them, before they fell back down, feeling even worse-
...
-Mizello looked over at Tamas-
.... Hi.
-Mizello slowly shrugged off their mantle, and looked at the water, dazed. They knew they were supposed to drink it and move but they hadn't processed that yet-
Tamas nearly jumped out of his own skin, before retreating back. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to stalk or scare you. It’s just me. I brought you water.”
—
“What do I do? Mizello…he can’t be here, and…I can’t leave. But I love them. I can’t lose them either. I can’t choose.”
“I…do not know. I cannot solve this problem for you. All we can do is take care of you, here and now.”
...
-Mizello took a few more moments to process that-
...
-Then they finally realized Tamas was talking to them and offering water and they should probably respond-
... Ah. Can I have the.. Water? Scaring thing is fine.
Tamas dropped the water into a small round shield, and then handed it to Mizello. “Please do. You’re extremely dehydrated.”
I am? I never noticed.
-Mizello did in fact notice before and probably noticed now, but they couldn't fully pinpoint what that feeling actually was, so they just relegated it to all the bad feeling locations: "bad"-
-Mizello took the shield and stared at it. For several minutes. Before finally using their proboscis to drink the water-
-Mizello was not having a fun time, mentally-
Tamas sat down next to Mizello after handing the water off, settling down on his own tail.
And then just sat there, quietly. If Mizello wanted to talk, he would.
-Mizello eventually finished the water, and felt a lot better! Who would have thunk-
...
-Mizello glanced up, now taking the time to think about what just happened-
Sorry for launching myself in the air when you tried to give me water. And sorry for staring at you before accepting the water. And thanks for the water.
Also, doesn't sitting on your tail hurt?
“No need to apologize. I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Tamas shifted a little bit. “But no. It’s very large and can more than handle my weight.”
Really? I thought it would be alike to sitting on an arm. Actually, is it like that? If so, can't be very comfortable.
-Mizello didn't know what to do with the shield, so they continues holding it gently-
“More like kneeling, actually.”
Tamas held out a hand, and dissolved the shield. “It…went poorly, then, in the village, I assume.” His voice was soft — an invitation for Mizello to talk, or to give a simple one word answer. “I’m sorry.”
It's not your fault, don't apologize.
I..
-Mizello thought back on the woman in the store-
She looked a lot like my mother. To me, at least, she did. She isn't, obviously, but she looked so much like her I got scared.i scared Amma too.
-Mizello hugged themself-
I don't think I can be here and be happy at the same time.
Tamas was quiet for a long moment, and then summoned a small orb of water, playing with it in his hands.
“What…is your definition of happy? Are you referring to contentness, or the fog you use on your mind? Or both?”
The fog, obviously. It's the only thing that keeps me even slightly close to being happy. I mean, you've seen me without it. Five hundred years of life is a lot for one person to handle.
“Hm. Do you enjoy the fog? Or does it just make things bearable for you?“
Ive come to enjoy it. It's good for me -- it's like how larvae learn to enjoy food besides raw meat with time, I just had to learn to enjoy it.
“Is it good for you?” Tamas tilted her head slightly. “You…don’t know all that much about me, but I deal with many of my problems by drinking. Is that good for me? What were to happen if something really horrible were to happen, and I had no alcohol to reach for? What happens then?”
-Mizello's first instinct was to be scared at the mention of drinking. But, they've learned to be tolerant of alcohol in all their passing years. Not every culture viewed it as a death wish to drink-
Its very, very good for me. Trust me. If I didn't have it, I probably would have died.
And I don't mind if you drink. It's fine. You're a God, aren't you? You probably aren't that affected by alcohol. And if you had no alcohol, you could just buy more.
She thought she heard the Radiance wrong at first.
She did. She must have. That, or this was a truly cruel prank. Because they were gone. They'd been gone. They couldn't just...they were gone.
"That's not funny," she said quietly, and turned away to leave, before the buzzing of wings stopped her.
Another, younger bug had landed in front of the group, folding her wings and creeping towards Amma curiously.
She...she looked like her. She looked like her. The mask shape, the black body speckled with white, the limbs, and most telling, the huge eyespots on her back. "You're not...from the village."
Amma stumbled back, her breathing becoming heavy. Speak. Speak. Say something. Say anything.
The other click beetle crept closer, looking Amma up and down, one of her hands wrapped tightly around a long wooden staff, the mirror image of Amma's metal one. "You look...different. You're not...you're..."
Amma pressed her hands to her mouth, stifling a sob. It's not real. It's a dream. It can't be real. It feels so real.
The other beetle blinked, lowering her staff slowly. "Come on. Come on, come with me, it's okay, we're just going to get you cleaned up." She extended a hand, carefully, to Amma, who nearly wailed in response. "I think...I think I know who you are. But just come with us, okay?"
-Mizello, meanwhile, was not welcomed so easily-
-Their Conductor's mantle wasn't reacted to very kindly, with everyone that was out flinching and glaring at the sight. Even the other beetle couldn't help but look at Mizello and tense up-
-Although, who could blame them? That wasn't a very foreign sight in Pharloom, so Mizello was pretty used to it at this point-
-Although, they wondered why and how they'd still remember a Conductor's mantle, why would a small village of clickbeetles and fireflies care about a Conductor of all people?-
-Mizello thought back a little. Hm... Well, originally, they did all live in Livewater, so it makes sense all these guys are together, but that was so many years ago!-
-well, a lot of the conductors were sort of at fault for bilewater. So maybe that's why?-
-Mizello stuck by the Radiance for a little. Before deciding to start walking around and looking over all the little houses and stuff-
*She feels a tad awkward. Such reactions from both sides, what is going on here?*
So . . . Is the place up to your liking you four?
@amma-of-pharloom
The younger click beetle led Amma into the village, and Saranya and Tamas did not follow. Saranya knew she would need time -- she'd never truly thought that this could have been...true, been real, but...she knew Amma would need to comprehend this at her own pace.
"You...have I not told you? The click beetles were all wiped out from Pharloom by the Citadel four hundred years ago...Amma truly thought she was the sole survivor."
--
"Elderbug?" The click beetle called, as she led Amma deeper into the town. "Elderbug, I found...someone."
Another click beetle appeared. She appeared older than Amma, though her life certainly hadn't been extended, and had a calm, soft demeanor about her. Unlike the younger beetle, she didn't carry a staff.
"I think she's --"
The Elderbug raised a hand gently. "Let's not...get ahead of ourselves, here." She approached Amma carefully, the latter of which was still sobbing quietly, the elytra on her back buzzing just slightly. "Your journey was long, wasn't it?"
She wasn't just asking about the journey from Pharloom to Hallownest.
Through her heavy, near-hyperventilating breathing, Amma nodded.
"It's alright. You're here now, and that's what matters. You've made it home."
-Mizello, meanwhile, was exploring the whole village while prancing around like a foal-
-Although, nobody liked that they were doing that-
-Mizello was very curious, they felt like a kid again! So much to see, so much to do, mizello wondered what native games they'd have to play! Hopefully it was more than just some variation of "sticks" or "memory", those games were fun but.. A little boring. Actually, a lot boring in Mizello's case. Ooo, maybe they had poker? Or blackjack! Maybe even roulette, that was always fun if you wanted to get mad!-
-Mizello peaked their head in a store and-
-They Saw Someone-
-someone who looked exactly like their mother.-
-Mizello stopped right there.-
"I saw her. And I killed her. My own mother, her blood on my hands. I had to do it, otherwise I would be the one looking to Peace. I felt my head and my heart pulsing with silken magic while I did, the Weavers ready to blow me up for taking too long. I saw her call out to me in her last moments, not realizing her baby boy was the one holding her while she bled out on the mud floor, trying to get me to protect her. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry and I know I will never forgive myself. I hope nobody ever forgives me either."
-Mizello ran to find Amma.-
Amma was with the Elderbug, being slowly led down the path to a hot spring, where she would be cleaned up and talked to and taken care of.
She looked up, when she saw Mizello approach, her eyes widening when she saw the look on their face. "Mi...Mizello?" She whispered. For a small moment, she seemed torn, before weakly opening her arms to catch them in a hug.
The Elderbug stepped back, her eyes narrowing slightly at the mantle, but she didn't intervene. If this...if this was a friend of the lost child's, then she supposed she would tolerate their presence.
Amma. We need to leave. Now.
-Mizello said, as soon as they reached Amma. Their head ached with the speed if their run and how fast they had to process everything -- and, of course, with how the brain fog had dissipated from their head once more. Everything was spinning and they felt like they were 15 again, having to kill their mother all over again-
-Mizello did not hug Amma, opting to hover over her-
We can't stay here- I saw- I saw my mother, Amma. We can't stay here.
We need to go. Now.
-Mizello was also severely weakened here. Less silk, less to grab into, less to protect yourself with. Mizello needed to go back to Pharloom to get their bearings-
Amma whimpered softly, drawing back. Leave? Leave again?
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't leave.
She couldn't....she couldn't --
"I. I can't."
She'd asked Mizello to leave, her mind told her distantly. But these were her people. She thought they'd all died. She couldn't -- she couldn't.
Elderbug drew forward slightly. His mother? This Conductor? Amma...Amma was certainly one of the two lost children, but the other...was this the other?
We need to, Amma. I saw her, she's here. I- she's supposed- she's supposed to be dead, but I saw her with my own eyes. We need to go, now.
I can't stay here. I can't look at her again. I can't watch her die again.
-Mizello didn't want to leave Amma, but they had to leave this village. They couldn't live while she was here -- although, they knew she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be alive, she shouldn't be walking around and at a store and buying groceries -- she couldn't even do that while she was alive! It wasn't something they could comprehend-
-Mizello couldn't handle being back with all the other fireflies. It barely took half an hour for Mizello's mind to break and the fog in their brain to be blown away, and all it took was someone that kind of looked like their mother. They couldn't stay here-
"Are -- are you sure it's her?" Amma looked frantic. What was she supposed to do? What could she do? "Maybe it was someone else? Are you sure?"
This -- the village -- wasn't a dream, clearly. It was real. It was real, and her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She couldn't. She couldn't let it go. She couldn't lose them again.
"Please. Please. I...I watched them die. I watched her die. I can't...I can't leave them again. I can't. Mizello, I..." Amma took a step back. Then another. "It would be like watching them die again. Don't make me choose. Please don't make me choose."
Her body hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her pins hurt. She remembered failing to save her mother, her amma. She remembered leaving, sacrificing herself in the hopes the Citadel wouldn't kill more click beetles.
She remembered nearly breaking herself in the Underworks. And then nearly breaking herself in the Memorium.
And then seeing the sewage pour in, and knowing it had all been for nothing.
And then. And then anger. Maybe it was misplaced. But Mizello had hurt her. All of the Conductors had hurt her. No one had stopped the sewage. She thought she could, if she'd tried hard enough, but they'd had the power. None of them stopped Romino. None of them stopped Romino when he poisoned half the kingdom. None of them stopped Romino when he tore out her wings.
She didn't ask to be alive. She didn't ask to be here. She didn't ask for these stars-forsaken pins to be sunk into her goddamn shell.
Maybe Bug Nobody was jealous of Bug Aware, but maybe Bug Nobody -- Bug Conductor, had still been in charge of the Whiteward.
Nobody in the Citadel had prevented her people from being murdered and poisoned. But they were here, now.
"You won't. You won't take me from them again. You hear me? You won't! You -- you sink your fucking pins in my back, you keep me from rejoining my family in the only way I could, and now you seek to take me away from them again? YOU WON'T!"
Maybe- maybe it was. But i can't stay here. I can't stay here with someone that looks like her, can't. I can't do that again.
-Mizello started to hyperventilate. Everything hurt-
I can't watch my mother die again, Amma. I can't watch her die. I can't. I know you love everyone and- and maybe we can visit! Maybe we can visit! But we can't stay here. We can't. I can't live like this.
-Mizello was then surprised by Amma's anger. They had seen her angry before, it was in the memorium. They had killed a grub for food and they didn't feel bad for it because they never did while they were like that, while they were happy. They saw Amma grow in size while she was angry, and snarl and pin them down and demand they pay retribution for what they had done-
-Mizello backed up just in case that happened again-
-They didn't know what to do. They couldn't stay here. They needed to go, they needed to leave before they were left alone with their thoughts and they saw their mother again and they had to kill her or they had to run away or they had to die to the weavers or they had to be killed by all the other Fireflies or they had to see her again or. They can't live like this. They can't. They needed to get out of here.-
-But they can't leave Amma-
We can visit! We can- we- we can- anything you want! I can't live here. I can't.
-Mizello wanted to leave. Amma didn't-
Amma did not pin down Mizello. Or snarl, or demand retribution.
She just screamed. Screaming, fullbody sobs, and for a moment, Mizello saw not the middle aged woman she was now, but the small, barely metamorphosized child wracked with grief and rage so huge she could barely hold it, standing over her mother’s body.
She didn’t hear ‘maybe we can visit.’ She didn’t hear ‘anything you want.’
She heard ‘leave.’ She heard ‘you can’t stay.’
“YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! DON’T MAKE ME, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN, PLEASE!”
She couldn’t do it all over. Work so hard it filled her lungs with poison, fight so hard it left her internals crushed, grieve so hard it caused her to fall to hell.
Her screams reached a pitch that the silk in her body started to writhe, and then in Mizello’s body too. A grieving child. An angry mother.
Her elytra opened involuntarily, and behind her the Elderbug’s eyes widened, abject horror crossing her face.
-Mizello was terrified-
-They would be scared if she had yelled, but they were horrified she wasn't-
-They stood, stunned-
-Mizello wanted to run, wanted to hide. They couldn't stay here. They couldn't be here-
-But Amma needed to stay. Amma needed to be here with all of them-
-Amma needed her family here, all her friends were here, maybe, she needed everything here-
-Mizello did not, clearly. But they did need one thing that would never leave-
-They needed Amma.-
-Mizello thought. They had survived a hundred years longer than Amma, and they had lived with much more. They'd be able to survive here, even if their mind was left in an even worse state than before therapy. Logically, they knew this. They came around to it emotionally by looking at Amma's face and seeing the pure anguish on it and how she couldn't leave, that she never could in the first place, she needed to be here, so Mizello could survive staying here and seeing his mother every day-
We.. We don't have to leave, okay? It'll be fine! We don't have to leave after all! Please stop screaming. We don't need to leave, I was wrong- I can survive! I can live! I was lying before! It's okay! It's all a big joke! We don't have to leave and it'll be okay!
-Mizello looked at the elderbug behind Amma-
I'm sorry.
Elderbug stepped forward with some haste, putting her hands up. “Conductor. You do not need to apologize to me, but you need to leave. Only for now. It’s not your fault, but she can’t hear you right now, I don’t believe, and we need to take care of her. Okay? Can you do that?” She looked visibly shaken — whether it was from Mizello’s panic, Amma’s fullbodied screaming that was rapidly becoming hoarse, or her torn wings, it was hard to tell. Perhaps all three. “I believe it’ll be okay. But you’re not okay here, so I think it would be in your best interest to go. Alright?” Her voice was gentle, soft — she truly seemed to hold no anger towards him. “Find your companions, don’t go off on your own. You can do that?”
Yes, yes, of course I can.
-Mizello turned around and exited as quickly as they could-
-They then paused to process everything -- well, everything they had been told-
-They'll be collected later, as usual. They'll just... Wander until further notice, yes-
-Although, they had no companions to speak of. They didn't have many friends besides Rosy (who was in Pharloom) and Amma (who they were discouraged from seeing)-
-Mizello was not welcome in this village, they recall. And they never ever would be, obviously. So it makes sense they needed to leave right now-
-Mizello looked around for anything they could use to get out of here, and eventually found the path of least resistance and started their walk. While they walked, they thought about every past sin they had commits, as their mind always brought up while they weren't occupied. They couldn't wait to forget once again-
Mizello did not go unnoticed, despite their best efforts.
After walking a while, they felt a presence in the shadows, footsteps that matched theirs. Somebody was there, quietly walking alongside them without speaking.
—
Amma found herself in a hotspring. How she had gotten there was a horrible blur, of screaming and pain and scratching at herself until her claws had gently been pried off her antennae.
Her chest was heaving, still shaking with sobs. She’d stopped screaming at some point, though she didn’t know if it had been a choice or if her voice had simply failed her. She heard soft humming, a series of steady, calm clicks.
“I can’t leave,” she whispered. “I can’t go.”
“You fought your very hardest to get here,” the Elderbug responded quietly. “We know of you. We know your story, of four hundred years ago. The beetles never forgot you, Amma, and every day for the past four centuries, over generations, we hoped you’d find your way back home.”
A long silence, as Elderbug poured warm water over Amma, soothing the pain as best she could. And then; “Your…wings.”
At this, Amma scrunched over and began to sob again, and Elderbug clicked and made little rhythmic ‘shh-sh-sh’ sounds. “It’s a horrible thing that they were taken. You have every right to grieve them. We…have a mourning ceremony, for such a loss, though it hasn’t been held in many, many years.”
-Mizello felt eyes looking at them. Mizello felt the eerieness of knowing you're being watched. Mizello heard and didn't see, and to be honest, they didn't want to see-
-Mizello wondered if the person walking besides them was someone planning on killing them. They hoped not, they wanted to see Amma at some point-
-They eventually came to a secluded area, one that had a slight drop into some convenient spikes. Mizello didn't hover over them, but they did back up a little-
-Mizello's general fatigue and the fact they haven't slept in the few days it took to get as far as they did in the wastes (they were too busy watching Amma), the fact they haven't eaten in a while, the fact they haven't drank anything in even longer, and the fact their head hurt had finally caught up to all of them. Which means Mizello collapsed on the ground. They haven't passed out yet, but their heart beat was slowing concerningly fast, just like it does when they forget-
The somebody made himself known. It was Tamas, who’d only been following to try and provide some company. In this darkness, however, it was easily for her to accidentally disappear.
He crouched by Mizello. “Seems it didn’t go very well then,” she said softly, pulling water from the air (and grateful to find that he could), and holding it out to them. “I need you to stay awake, so you can drink this. You’re not treating yourself well.”
—
“I am bad, I think,” Amma whispered. “I shouldn’t have screamed at them.”
“Your relationship seems complex. You love them, and they’ve hurt you.”
“But they’re not trying to now.”
“Your body doesn’t know that. The…old gilded citadel was a cruel place.”
“They’re hurting. I need to be with them.”
“It’s not good for them to be here right now. His…his reaction was different from yours. He was taken under different circumstances. But you do need to be here, right now.”
-Ah. Another bug. Nearby. Talking-
-Mizello reacted in true bug fashion, by flipping the fuck out and then assessing the situation-
-Mizello jumped up in the air at the sudden noise, their heart rate accelerating and almost killing them, before they fell back down, feeling even worse-
...
-Mizello looked over at Tamas-
.... Hi.
-Mizello slowly shrugged off their mantle, and looked at the water, dazed. They knew they were supposed to drink it and move but they hadn't processed that yet-
Tamas nearly jumped out of his own skin, before retreating back. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to stalk or scare you. It’s just me. I brought you water.”
—
“What do I do? Mizello…he can’t be here, and…I can’t leave. But I love them. I can’t lose them either. I can’t choose.”
“I…do not know. I cannot solve this problem for you. All we can do is take care of you, here and now.”
...
-Mizello took a few more moments to process that-
...
-Then they finally realized Tamas was talking to them and offering water and they should probably respond-
... Ah. Can I have the.. Water? Scaring thing is fine.
Tamas dropped the water into a small round shield, and then handed it to Mizello. “Please do. You’re extremely dehydrated.”
I am? I never noticed.
-Mizello did in fact notice before and probably noticed now, but they couldn't fully pinpoint what that feeling actually was, so they just relegated it to all the bad feeling locations: "bad"-
-Mizello took the shield and stared at it. For several minutes. Before finally using their proboscis to drink the water-
-Mizello was not having a fun time, mentally-
Tamas sat down next to Mizello after handing the water off, settling down on his own tail.
And then just sat there, quietly. If Mizello wanted to talk, he would.
-Mizello eventually finished the water, and felt a lot better! Who would have thunk-
...
-Mizello glanced up, now taking the time to think about what just happened-
Sorry for launching myself in the air when you tried to give me water. And sorry for staring at you before accepting the water. And thanks for the water.
Also, doesn't sitting on your tail hurt?
“No need to apologize. I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Tamas shifted a little bit. “But no. It’s very large and can more than handle my weight.”
Really? I thought it would be alike to sitting on an arm. Actually, is it like that? If so, can't be very comfortable.
-Mizello didn't know what to do with the shield, so they continues holding it gently-
“More like kneeling, actually.”
Tamas held out a hand, and dissolved the shield. “It…went poorly, then, in the village, I assume.” His voice was soft — an invitation for Mizello to talk, or to give a simple one word answer. “I’m sorry.”
It's not your fault, don't apologize.
I..
-Mizello thought back on the woman in the store-
She looked a lot like my mother. To me, at least, she did. She isn't, obviously, but she looked so much like her I got scared.i scared Amma too.
-Mizello hugged themself-
I don't think I can be here and be happy at the same time.
Tamas was quiet for a long moment, and then summoned a small orb of water, playing with it in his hands.
“What…is your definition of happy? Are you referring to contentness, or the fog you use on your mind? Or both?”
The fog, obviously. It's the only thing that keeps me even slightly close to being happy. I mean, you've seen me without it. Five hundred years of life is a lot for one person to handle.
“Hm. Do you enjoy the fog? Or does it just make things bearable for you?“
Ive come to enjoy it. It's good for me -- it's like how larvae learn to enjoy food besides raw meat with time, I just had to learn to enjoy it.
