A M U S E

bumblings of a wannabe poet

[mjames51]

Lines of Gold

There’s a line to get in

just to catch a glimpse, let alone stare

your flat golden hair

falls evenly on both sides

framing your face

telling me just where to look

a guide - 

getting away with it.

But then you throw us off

you crumple up that gold

like a perfect crime

you stick it on top of your head

without foresight or malice

now it rests

like a queen on the throne

a sphere of gold

as if some sort of eye

a halo staring back at me

I really wish though

that this was black and white

You - Ingrid

Me - Humphrey

But all that gold it blinds

and I’ve gone 

grey.

Happy to live there

in some sort of probation.

So let’s instead

learn words on a menu

I’ll be a little old fashioned

you’ll stick to what’s clear

but you’re the ice in my bourbon

and that’s what I fear. 

[mjames51]

there is beauty in nothing

[mjames51]

[mjames51]

Wish you were here pt. 2

No

no i can’t tell

the gates of heaven

from the bells of hell.

So... can you tell?

If I could pour my mind

into a fishbowl

it’d be right there next to you - 

swimming.

Lost. 

But if only.

Instead it’s just a clouded mess.

Thoughts that streak like lightning, 

bored browns,

purple where pride peeks its head in,

grey blahs,

the passion of red in swirls of circles. 

And now - 

there’s nowhere to hide.

Like jellyfish can’t have corners,

so too, 

my thoughts cannot crash their heads now

and go away.

Nowhere to hide. 

Everything swirls and swims,

each watercolor of the brain’s paintbrush

comes together

until I can’t see you.

Until I can’t see anything.

And somehow,

that’s better.

That’s okay.

[mjames51]

Writing inspiration in the form of a perfect window with a view.

[mjames51]

[mjames51]

[mjames51]

[mjames51]

at two

Cigarettes again for breakfast

Breakfast at two

In the afternoon

Because last night’s dinner

Was tequila til two

And waking up next to you

At two

Was not what i was planning

But here we are

And somehow it comforts me

Like seeing a neon sign

That says, “OPEN”

At two

In the morning

When everyone else

With responsible lives

Making responsible choices

Are fast asleep

While i'm driving fast

Down streets normally busy

Twelve hours from now

And as i digest

While your brain dreams

I know we will both

Always be

Open

To that idea

That finds itself so at home

At two

[mjames51]

10 posts!

[mjames51]

end of sentence.

I’ve always thought the sweetest thing from Michigan

was Tim Allen’s voice

but my adventure began

at the Vic.

And so i never thought i’d wear blue

to the friendly confines

and i never thought i’d actually meet someone

who loves the world through music

as much as she did. As much as i do.

My friend walked away,

we touched shoes,

and i knew.

Your smile. Your eyes.

I had always hoped to find my dream

somewhere in a record store

holding my favorite album

somehow holding every little part of me.

But here i was among a thousand of my closest friends

thinking i’d just put this night away

along with the ticket stub in a frame

and there you were, a few shoulders away

not just on the same page as me,

but right at the end of the sentence.

I’ll admit i looked over at you

during just a few of those songs

because snobs like me

like to know who else knows all the words.

The smile you stretched out between verses

made its way over to me

and i caught it

and i kept it.

And so i never knew it could be so true,

two hearts beating as one through a shoe.

And there we were brought together by a man

out to show us the beast in its tracks

two worlds colliding and exploding,

so much richer than one.

And so i stole kisses between pitches

and let the cameramen catch us holding hands.

We got lost in the silence of two robots,

you told me you found your mind

settling in circuits around me.

I told you it was fate.

We both agreed.

Now ‘never’ and ‘thought’ will stand far apart

and we’ll settle in between

shoulder to shoulder

hand in hand

hearts beating.

[mjames51]

secondhandsmoke

The clock is on fire

I’m getting second hand smoke

As the blood on the tracks

Has dried up and gone away

Under yet another Duluth snowstorm.

I watch the embers rise up in scatters

With no direction home

As they meet the snowflakes coming down

With perfect precision

As if they know exactly where they’re going

And even if they don’t win

This battle versus fire

They sure don’t show signs of stopping

So who do I want to win?

Even though I want this fire to keep

I can’t help but think

Those flakes of snow have some bigger meaning

Because as they fell and i drove

They hit the windshield

Surrendered everything they had

Such beauty if you just look close enough

No two claim the same

But how do we know?

We just do.

I would catalogue and count them all

But the fire burns

And so winter will walk away

Nobody will shed a tear for its departure

That is

Until every pore has dripped a little more

And the air will get as thick

As the minds of people

Trapped in the past.

And once again I will start a fire.

Even when the logs are soaked

From a season we all hope for most

And can’t seem to just let happen.

You are the on and on and on

And I am the fire laying down

I burn and I burn

I run til I’m done

You’re the conversation

Carrying on around me

The smell in the clothes that will linger.

[mjames51]

face down, stand up

laying face down in the hills of kentucky,

putting the blue in the bluegrass,

i roll over to to see the cloudiest of skies

that’s you.

there’s no hiding it,

like I’m hiding.

and much like you,

when the clouds go away

it’ll be a much better day.

finally, some sun. 

wild horses, please drag me away.

i stand up in chicago

floating in bourbon

you made me feel lost

with a map in my hand

my tongue is still numb

from biting it so hard

it had to be stitched back together

from all those hospital rooms

you lied in.

how can anyone expect me to give any more

when so much has been taken from me?

wild horses, please drag me away.

in the springtime

everything came back

and life began again.

the birds, the leaves,

the sun, and me.

but not you.

and that’s a season

i’ll start on my own.

wild horses, please drag me away.

it’s so hard

when all you do

is give mile after mile

and expect an inch,

at best,

but all you can do

is count the miles.

wild horses,

please

please

drag me away. 

[mjames51]

nothing for you

a blue sweater and a middle finger.

they help me remember

the parts of you I do miss.

I’m gonna put my music on shuffle

and pray that our song

doesn’t come on.

And if god does nothing for you,

then that’s cool too.

remember in middle school,

maybe you don’t,

when it was popular to ask

what would jesus do?

i wore that on my wrist

but i didn’t know shit

and i gave that back to you

way more than i should’ve.

i should have stayed in bed.

with you.

our saturday nights

were always better 

than any sunday morning

and if god does nothing for you,

then that’s cool too.

fall in flannel sheets

chopped marathons

wasting days

we couldn’t wait for colder weather

at wrigley.

and if god does nothing for you,

then that’s cool too.

pump pumpkin into our coffee,

we don’t care.

let’s drive to get donuts

even though we cold walk

and turn on friday night lights

until the day is dark

and tell everyone else

we’re staying in.

like anyone asked.

[mjames51]

true.

i’m going to pour bourbon

three fingers high

and write all about you

until these words fly

off the page and back into my head

like a book about stars

you look up and there they are again.

maybe it’s weird that al brought us together

but we’ve never been normal

about much of anything

some searches never end.

cleveland, chicago, pittsburgh, kansas city

i’ve got four roses

one for each place you might be

i might be

put them all together

and it’s like you’re right there

I’ve got the saints swinging from my neck

and one shares your name

i can put on a song

a song we danced to

lay down

stare up

and it’s like you’re right there

in a front room

in a coffee shop

upstairs

outside

on the screen of a phone

1 am after God knows what.

you’re my white album song

you’re my blue, forever

you’re my volume up loud

you’re true.

[mjames51]

puzzles

When you’ve met one person with autism,

You’ve met one person with autism.

There will never be two of these

Wonderful people

That will ever be the same.

We are all part of a puzzle

But autism is not puzzling.

Each one of us fits together

And we cannot form a full picture

Without them.

But if you don’t have it

If you don’t know someone with it

It’s probably just easier to ignore it.

But you don’t.

I know you don’t.

Because I am lucky enough

To be a part of their world.

I work with these awesome people.

They let me into their lives

And together we smile

Even after the bruises,

The cuts,

The bites,

The pulled hair.

Because I know better.

I know that this is their way

Of saying they’re upset

Or that something hurts

Or that they need my help.

That is how they communicate.

How about you?

Pointing? Laughing?

Using outdated language?

Avoiding altogether?

I’ve been there

I’ve seen you

I’ve heard you.

And although my friends

[Yes they are technically clients

But way more so friends]

May not understand your actions,

Your ignorance,

I do.

When I help push my friend

Who has, but is not held back by,

Cerebral palsy,

I’ve seen people stare.

I’ve heard people laugh at the way he speaks,

In a higher tone with an obvious lisp.

When I’m shopping with my friend,

Who is not defined by her Downs Syndrome.

I’ve seen people point at her,

Since she does not look the same.

I’ve heard people laugh at her

Since she tends to run

Whether she is excited or scared.

But I don’t give up

Just like neither of them do.

We will bowl in the lane right next to you.

We will play in the park right next to you.

We will eat in the Barnes & Noble café,

Every week,

Most likely interrupting your silence,

Right next to you.

We are just as much a part

Of this great society

As you are.

So even when they fight

Amongst one another,

With the same disability,

And family members

Refuse to acknowledge

Their own brother, sister, son, or daughter,

And an egomaniac mocks physical disability on TV,

And becomes President of the United States anyway,

This community will still be here.

And I bet they will have smiles on their faces

Because they live for the moment.

They cherish every day.

There is so much we can learn

From such a beautiful population.

So please don’t laugh.

Please don’t avoid.

But rather,

Ask questions.

Go out of your way

To learn more.

If my dad can learn to use

People first language,

Then I bet you can too.

You too are a puzzle piece.

Different, not less.

[mjames51]

Five Cents

picking up american spirits and dr. pepper

with my heart stuck and bouncing

like a record under a busted arm

maybe i should stick a nickel

right there on the thing

and make it work

better.

But honey, surely ghosts must bend

with all their plots and plans

they make so much noise

and it’s all in their head.

because for you i hoped

i’d feel it 

deeper

than these scabs on my knuckles

i can’t help but pick

when i’m not cracking

every finger

instead of thinking

what to say

either way - 

i’m bleeding.

this heart’s still beating

that brain’s a-riding

on 90 to chicago

where the el runs right next to you

like you’re both racing to some finish

but i’m not in this race

i’ve got nowhere to be

i told you i was busy

but it’s you i didn’t want to see.

listening to the blue line

from windows rolled down

and music too loud

it’s the steady hum

a bass drum

that seems to pump the blood

and bump the nickel

that tries to keep my heart on track.

Sorry, Tom, 

maybe i don’t need change.