I feel exhausted at the idea that I am only valuable and worthy simply based off what the people around me perceive me as, even though inside, I possibly feel really empty and feel numb.
Inside, even though when I was someone who was forced to conform to society's standards of how a Black woman is supposed to be (break those standards respectfully) by my parents, mainly my mother, I always felt as though I was someone who aligned in rebellion. My beauty ideal was straight long hair, colored hair, fashion from different countries, and non-conformist makeup. I don't think I became this way as a reaction to my parents' conformity, I always sensed that aligned in me the most at a young age.
These are inherently harmless things, and it's not like I'm getting piercings or something, something I really don't want personally. My father has said a lot of hateful things towards me growing up, such as "ugly women don't cry" when I was a small child, and saying that I looked "r*tarded" for dressing how I wanted to confidently. My father has a high tendency of really making me uncomfortable, but maybe that's for another post.
Why am I listening to society? I personally believe it's best to have a awareness of the biases and control freaks within it than to internalize it and accept it as our reality, because then you accidentally install limited beliefs in your psyche.
Still, the ideals created by the higher ups of the world penetrate the world that we live in extremely thoroughly.
It honestly feels like other ethnic groups can only be allowed to be seen as "cute", "soft" and "endearing". It's tiresome and toxic to see my own racial group reject people in the same ethnic group reject people who are genuinely like that, and accept people that only appear as that but in their true nature, aren't actually like that. I wish people would be more aware of their freaking bias.
I understand that in a sense, it does relate to soft power and people being disingenuous to gain power over someone, but I still feel discouraged by this mainstream perception. I don't live for other people though, I live for myself. It's important I exist for my own purposes, and not so everyone, especially close-minded people can understand me.
I feel ashamed and guilty for informing R. about my weight loss journey. I've been working incredibly hard for the past two weeks trying my best to count my calories. (Please do not report my account for mentioning this.) I wish I had the same slim, perfect and cute-looking body I had when I was younger again, but that's why I've been working hard, to achieve it again.
I don't think I'm co-dependent, helpless, or broken like what other people have inferred inside of me judging by my "actions". I'm capable of a lot, including things that I'm not even aware of.
