Monique’s Mind

[moiquesmind]

The respect and expectancies usually disappear before the feelings of fondness and love die ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

It’s hard to ignore how the smiles, laughter, and playfulnesses is gone and suddenly I feel like everything I say or do in your eyes is wrong

I don’t know where we lost that spark that mad us feel like home …

Was it in one of your closed off bouts of depression or maybe in one of my ptsd fits of anxiety? I just can’t tell but it isn’t hard to see that something isn’t where it used to be…

Could it be that I lost myself pouring everything I had into you or is it simply that you lost yourself trying to become someone you truly weren’t ready to be ?

I’m not sure where we both lost that childlike quality that made us the adventure of a lifetime or a breath of fresh air but I do know that if we aren’t careful this marriage will end in hopelessness and dispare ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

Random

I knew I loved you when I seen your tear filled eyes for the first time because I realized then that I never wanted to be the reason for them to reflect such pain

I realized just how much you mean to me when things were seemingly at the lowest they could possibly be yet I stayed because leaving you would be like leaving a piece of me

I realized just how deeply I wanted you be happy and nothing more when I found myself taking the time to learn the things that make you smile and in what language you best feel loved

Most importantly I knew that what I felt was real and deep when the opportunity to betray your trust was staring me in the face yet I decided that our foundation was too important to betray

So when I ask you seeming random questions like when did you know that what you felt was love ? It is simply because I want to know if what you feel is as clear to you as it is too me ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

The war between your heart and mind is always the worst because you ultimately have to chose between loving blindly or getting what you actually deserve ~ MSR

[moiquesmind]

THE REASSURANCE

You ask me why do I constantly ask if I’m still attractive in your eyes? And that’s because I’ve heard those three little words be spoken as lies

If I am still the one you want?and that’s because someone who once said I was turned my heart into te worlds scariest haunt

if you still love me always seems to be popular when my mind begins to doubt and understand that if I ask it’s because the insecurities in me are beginning to scream and shout

I also ask because at times I feel the distance between us grow in more than just a physical sense and it frightens me that our marriage could be something we would ever use in the past tense

See that person I was before we met had been broken and abandon by someone who said they never would so in my subconscious I somehow think you also could

I know I shouldn’t and I know you won’t but understand that I these are questions I ask to get the reassurance that hurting me is something you don’t~ MSR

[moiquesmind]

A thousand reasons to give up , give in, and get fed up yet somehow in your arms I found the beauty in those thousands which helped make millions of tiny reason to simply hold on, hold my head up a little longer, and stay strong

With those thousands seemed to come hundreds of reasons to sit and pout, cry, and frown over everything that just isn’t right but much like the sun poking from behind a dark, cloudy, sky to signal the rerun of light your smile radiated to reveal billons of reason to giggle, laugh, and genuinely smile about the small day to day triumphs, and accomplishments

Much like a needed compass or atlas on a uncharted expedition your there as I navigate my way through this journey called life

And in the moments when I’m drowning in this sea of thoughts, emotions, and experiences that I don’t yet comprehend I know your love will be there shining like a lighthouse guiding it’s ships back to port ~ MSR

Monique Guillen-Silva

[moiquesmind]

It’s been a rough past couple of days

The kind every woman hates

The kind where the insecurities and shortcomings shout until they’re impossible to ignore

The kind where you look into the mirror and hate what’s staring back because all you see is what your lacking

The lack of bigger gluts to make your pants fit just right

The lack of bigger more full breast to add a extra flare to your tops

Just over the lack of the dainty feminism that every woman except you seems to have

It’s hard to love or even like what you see when you have all these things shouting back at you and the worst part is that there is no way to out run or silence only endure until you realize that those shortcomings are only meant for the selfless to appreciate and love ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

[moiquesmind]

Have you noticed how she no longer ask to be made a priority or ask for small acts of affection and adoration that bring a smile to her face ? And it’s not that she no longer enjoys them because they still brighten her day

Did you notice that she now falls asleep peacefully without you or the sound of your voice?

And it’s not for lack of love because it is there

Have you noticed she doesn’t ask you to join in on things that she enjoys or simply make her happy ? And it’s not that she doesn’t enjoy your company because the two of you could be sitting quietly doing absolutely nothing and she’d love it

Have you noticed that she doesn’t have the energy or time to argue about the things that upset her ? And it’s not that she doesn’t have a lot to say or a opinion to voice because she does

If you haven’t noticed by now then let me tell you that your slowly killing the sweet affectionate and loving person she wants to be to you while slowly resuscitating the emotionless monster of numbness with in which is something she fought hard to lay to slumber

So please choose wisely and proceed with great caution as once this monster is awaken that caring, adoring and affectionate woman that you’ve grown accustomed to may not be around anymore ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

[moiquesmind]

In the beginning the calls where just to hear the sound of your voice

In the beginning the affection came without having to ask and willingly

In the beginning the lust and ability to make you feel WANTED was never forced and was just as strong as the love

In the beginning the visits and efforts were just because of the simple want to enjoy your company and spend time with you

In the beginning there were looks filled with desire,and love accompanied by a adoring smile

So what happen? Now your lucky if you even get a hug , a seeming empty kiss, a simple call or one word reply to a paragraph text , and worse is that the shine in your eyes once reflecting by that love , adoration, and desire is simply a cloudy smoke that is left

Is it a rut ? Is it that the newness of the relationship has finally faded ? Is it that your defects have finally outweighed your pros? Or worse did the love just up and fade on your end? If so when ? How ?

These are questions that are left when the affection , effort , lust and love end but the time to answer is always before the one asking has finally grown tired of picking up the slack and showing more affection, lobe, attention, want or desire than they have been receiving all while only getting distance in return ! ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

[moiquesmind]

and on the days when the weight gets a little to heavy and she feels like a complete incompetent failure

those are the days she will chose to fight harder and remember that she has already overcome obstacles far bigger than those opposing her now ~ MSR

[moiquesmind]

Perhaps the reason she seems so stubborn and hard headed is because you never really took the time to learn her way of feeling, caring, or thinking because you had a unrealistic expectation or maybe a fantasy is better fitting that she would just conform to yours ? And perhaps her error was bending a little to much to only give you comfort and satisfaction but I don’t think anyone will doubt that your fantasy was by far the most foolish ~MSR

[moiquesmind]

I don’t think either of them really had the illusion of this being a picture perfect fairy tale because they knew that perfections aren’t real

he understood that he was no price charming but truth be told she never wanted a price she wanted just what she got A BEAST

while she understood that the classic damsel in distress or dainty princess needing saving wasn’t really her but his truth was that the free spirited rebel was what he craved for all along ~ MSR

[moiquesmind]

Much like the return of an old friend that was gone for to long the side of her that she had been suppressing broke free and it was at that moment she realized it was what she’d been missing to be herself completely

Those that love her started to notice the change when she no longer voiced her opinions, when she no longer was fearless, and most of all when she no longer looked you in the eye or held her head up high

While others told her that she was too feisty, too loud, too temperamental, too raw with her truths so she tried her hardest to suppress that side of her all while feeing incomplete and untrue to herself.

She tried and tried again to be a watered down version of herself which only caused self doubt and amplified every insecurity she felt

Until one day she decided that this charade could no longer go on and that embracing both her good and bad couldn’t be wrong~ MSR

[moiquesmind]

Somewhere between trying to fix everything and trying to be the best daughter, sister, wife, and friend she could be she lost sight of herself , the force she truly is, and exactly what she was capable of

But the wonderful thing about about a real rebel and free spirit is that the fire in their eyes never truly dies so while it might seem they have been caged and tamed by everything around them that fire was only dimmed roaring back to full force to set them free just when they need it most~MSR