Dust and Stardust

I am tired of this place I hope people change.

[mokongblog]

“Don’t be too picky. You need experience before you can find a better job”

That’s what they said. And I did what I was told. I’ve been working since October last year and I wished I had the standards they needed when I was looking for a job. I’ve been in two companies and I experience hell in both, in various ways. 

My first job was very different from what I’ve imagined. I have a degree in Broadcasting but I ended up working in a HMO company as a Sales representative. I took a path that I know from the very beginning that I’m gonna be lost. But who am I to say no to salary? I have needs and I have to take the offer even though I’m not really sure what’s gonna happen. 

And then it came. It felt like I was in another universe. I’m in a place where I don’t know anything or anyone. I was lost. Every day felt like a nightmare that succumbs me. I feel suffocated whenever I’m in that office and I just can’t wait any longer for my contract to end, So I decided to resign.

Before I resigned, I already got a job offer from my previous boss/professor and it’s a job that’s closest to what I finished in college. A job in a Media Industry. BUT I’ll be a Marketing person....which is really not my cup of tea. I despise that subject during college and I can’t believe I just accepted the offer. Well again, what can I do? Who am I to refuse to a good paying job in one of the established companies in the media Industry.

At first it was a miracle. BECAUSE I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM SURROUNDED WITH GOOD PEOPLE WHO ACCEPTED ME DESPITE THE FACT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE. It was really refreshing and it made me wish that I could stay longer this time. I even hoped that I could be a regular employee. But one day, everything just changed. It felt like I don’t belong anymore. Like they don’t even know me or even recognize my presence. Everyday I spent ten hours of overthinking at work. “What happened?” “What went wrong?” “What did I do to deserve this cold shoulders?” and a lot more WHYs. and I fucking swear that all those overthinking lead to anxiety. 

I’m in the verge of quitting not just my job but my life in general because of what’s happening with me at my workplace. Although I was able to learn helpful skills from my job, it wasn’t enough to make up for the damage it dealt with my mental health. I can’t even work properly. I’m uncertain with whatever I’m doing and it affects the quality of my outputs. The thought of not accomplishing anything right made me depressed. I often times have panic attacks and cry at random times.

My parents told me to take any job to gain more work experiences but I gather more suicidal thoughts instead. I feel like I don’t really deserve a fucking job and I should just disappear forever. My friends are starting to stay away from me because of my depressing aura and I’m just letting them go on with their lives. I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I don’t deserve to get any help from them and it sucks that I can’t even help myself. FML

[mokongblog]

Sucks to have Anxiety Disorder.

I haven’t had myself checked yet, but based on what I feel and what’s happening to me... I know for a fact that I have an Anxiety Disorder.

That moment in life when you’re just feeling down and unmotivated for no apparent reason and you just thought it’s because you’re tired with work or it’s just your hormones acting up. 

You thought that it’s just a phase and everything will eventually go back to normal but then life fucks you up and you’ve been feeling like shit for the longest time and you just want to END E V E R Y T H I N G.

The panic attacks, the crippling anxiety that makes you cry from time to time, the fear of not being enough, OVERTHINKING... I’ve been experiencing all these and I seriously don’t know how to handle it anymore. 

Some of my friends gave up on me because I’m too much to handle and I don’t know who else I can depend on. I can’t even tell my family on what;s happening to me because I don’t want them to worry.

I just want this to end. I WANT TO END MY OWN MISERY. 

[d-y-s-t-i-c]

[mokongblog]

most of the time...

[stuff-from-web]

[onlyshoujo]

Hirunaka no Ryuusei

[mokongblog]

i thought i am....

[depression-sadness-madness-deac]

Sorry, Mil. Seems like I wasn’t enough for you. :(

[mokongblog]

I'm sorry

[fading-into-despair]

[dying-human]

[aniiimeeliiffe]

[dvilsnvrmnd]

:(

[mokongblog]

Intense

Sa huling semester ko sa college, ang dami kong napagtanto. Ang dami kong hinanakit… frustrations… regrets…

Madami din namang magagandang bagay ang nangyari. Pero mas hindi ko ata makakalimutan ang masalimuot na semester na ito. Kung saan maraming bagay ang nasira, nagbago at nawala.

Nasira ang “#squadgoals” Nagbago ang takbo ng buhay naming lahat Nawalan kami ng “Kaibigan” Napatunayan ko ulit na wala talagang… FOREVER.

Oo, masakit. Kasi itinuring ko siyang tunay na kaibigan. Alam kong marami kaming bagay na hindi mapagkasunduan, maraming beses na nag clash ang ideas namin, maraming beses na din akong nasaktan dahil sa kanya. Pero anong ginawa ko? Pinagsawalang bahala ko lahat kasi nga “kaibigan” ko siya… Hindi ko alam, wala akong kamalay-malay na ayaw niya pala sakin. Ni ayaw niya ngang mag-stay ng matagal sa isang lugar na kasama ako. Pero ako, ginawa ko lahat. Lahat ng adjustments, lahat nang klase ng pakikisama ginawa ko pero eto pa pala ang kapalit non.

Pinili niyang umalis. Pinili niyang lumayo. Pinili niyang iwan kami at sumama sa mga taong hindi niya naman talaga gusto. Alam namin. Alam namin ang mga bagay na sinasabi niya tungkol sa kanila, kaya nagulat na lang kami, isang araw kasama niya na sila at masaya siya.

Wala kaming ginawa. Hinayaan namin siya sa gusto niya, kung san siya masaya. Nakakalungkot lang na sa pananahimik namin nalaman namin na ginagago niya na kami sa ibang tao. Na kami ang masama. Kami ang may kasalanan. Kami ang mali. PUTANGINA LANG. Sagad! Isa siyang malaking joke sa buhay ko. Nagpakatotoo ako pero siya ba? Kelan ba siya naging totoo? Kelan ba siya hindi nagpanggap? Kelan niya ba pinaramdam na tunay siyang kaibigan? Masakit.

[voicelesssuggestion]

i feel so inadequate all of the time. i’m not enough, not even for myself

[cybergirlfriend-deactivated2022]

[nomenu]

[craved-deactivated20230908]

One day we got tired, tired of chasing, of caring, of worrying… Not because we didn’t want more, but because the person didn’t value our efforts.

Daniel C. L.  (via convertions)

….

(via eat-me-right-or-just-go)

[onlyshoujo]

Hirunaka no Ryuusei

[onlyshoujo]

Yuru Koi