life after

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[mollysueschwarz]

happy siblings day! a day late. also, i really do love them, despite our texts this morning:

chris: Good thing Molly got braces

molly: Awwww!!!! Eff you John!!

molly: Good thing Chris put down the crack pipe

tucker: So I've always been this good looking. Amazing

molly: good thing Tucker... was so cute. Eff YOU too, Tucker

tucker: I knew I wasn't adopted John. Molly!!!!!!I've never known you to swear

Molly: I'm trying it out. I think I like it

babs: Dropping F -Bomb totes works even when you "get older"! Some of my older friends tell me.Try interspersing Totes and OMG . . 

molly: I've never heard of those! Hmmmm.

chris: Him like swearing 

molly: Him cute too.I guess

babs: Thanks for the morning laughs😀  

molly: But mostly me. #favoritechild #youllnevercompare #itsnothimsfault 

tucker: Mom - it was no problem helping you and dad rewrite your will last night. Glad I was around and able to help. 

molly: Good one Tucker. I mean for someone with so little sense of humor 

tucker: Ouch

[mollysueschwarz]

the simple things

the rain has cleared, for now, anyway. the sun is shining and i had a great morning. even when whit threw himself down in a wailing protest when i wouldn’t let him keep a basketball that belonged to the elementary school, i felt happy. cassady found a tiny hair that looked like ally’s. i said, let’s make a wish and blow on it and he said, “i wish for ally to have a happy life in dog heaven.” 

lately, dane has been very demonstrative of his love for me, even if it’s only at bedtime...i’ll take it. last night cassady told me he loved me, all on his own.  this morning whit hugged danny for a very long time in the morning sunshine and his light curls looked like they were glowing. 

today i taught kindergarten music and  we sang “puff the magic dragon” and “here comes the sun” while teacher scott was practicing tossing popcorn into whit’s mouth, much to whit’s delight.

the last few days have been so dismal and rainy and my heart has felt like lead most of the time. this is the time of year that our friend malina passed on and four years later to the day, my cousin adam passed, too. i feel so incredibly raw with the thought of those they left behind. a child left motherless and a mother left childless. the day after those anniversaries, our member of our community, who i only know in passing, lost a baby. how does one move on? it takes my breath away. 

but it isn’t me. i didn’t lose my child or my mother. 

but i have a hard time shaking the sense of dread. it COULD be me. i love my life and my children so much it sometimes physically hurts. i chase after them and try to get my body to skip with them and laugh with them and be silly with them and always remember the simple things. like this morning when we dropped cassady off at preschool, he hugged me twice and kissed me on the lips and nose. then i scooped up whit onto my back and i picked some good smelling rosemary for whit to sniff. he said, “ahhhhh! this ‘mells so gooood! i keep it? in my pocket?” 

and he did. 

[mollysueschwarz]

saddest day

special precious unique darling beautiful loving kind angel number one.

that was the nickname danny bestowed on our puppy. actually, that name grew in length each time we had a child, i think. her rank rose and rose and kept rising. 

she got sick on monday night out of the blue and spent the last 4 days in a portland hospital. she had cancer of the worst degree. we did everything we could. danny flew home early from a terribly timed work trip and we picked her up last night. we spent all night with her. danny slept on the hard floor next to her. we snuggled her all morning. we brought her into the sunshine where the kids said their goodbyes. 

dane struggled the most asking tear filled questions like, why can’t they just take the cancer out? and what will it look like when she dies? he petted her and cried and hugged her goodbye.

we took her to our vet, kerry, who, through these last four days has been a true friend. i really don’t know how to thank her. 

ally passed away peacefully with danny and me holding her and telling her how much we love her. 

she is everywhere in our hearts and homes. since she went to portland on tuesday, i have been aware of all the ways she is inside me. 

we gave her a great life full of adventure and love and in the end, there’s love. always love. 

this was taken the day before she got so sick. 

[mollysueschwarz]

pete’s emotional dragon

i know i write a lot lately of my kids’ frustrating shenanigans and i know that it brings comfort to people to know that they are not alone in this parenting journey. it’s hard and infuriating and also joyous and heartbreaking.

today i took all the kids to see “pete’s dragon”. cassady was sitting next to me and during the movie, there were many heart-tugging parts. 

*spoiler alerts ahead* 

boy loving dragon, and dragon loving boy. dead parents. boy sad to leave dragon. dragon sad to leave boy. dragon getting shot at by a hot guy. dragon making sad eyes and sad sounds. boy doing the same. 

at one point cassady turned to me and said, “i think i’m going to have tears.” i said, “that’s ok cassady, this is really sad, huh?”. he pressed his hands to his eyes and had tears. this lasted the last quarter of the movie. he was pressing his fingers to his eyes and said “i don’t want to cryyyyy” and i said, “i have tears, too, cassady, it’s really ok to feel sad”. he looked at my eyes to confirm the tears and held my arm. i told him a few times that there would be a happy ending. even as the boy found his family and even as the dragon found his own family, he was silently crying and fighting tears SO very hard. then the credits were rolling and i said, “see? everyone found their family. it’s happy!”. he said, “mommy, i don’t want to leave yet, do we have to go?” and i said “do you want to sit on my lap for a while?”. he crawled into my lap and in the semi-darkness of the theater he quietly cried into my chest until he was ready to go.

BIG SIGH right here.

i love that kid madly.

i still feel a lump in my throat thinking about it. i want my boys, who will grow into men someday too soon, to feel ok with crying. to feel ok with feeling. 

also, damn you, disney. 

[mollysueschwarz]

a few things, mostly good and one maybe not so good

dane has been at a place called peace camp for the last two days. today he has been so lovely. really. maybe it is a coincidence but he has been so helpful and full of good humor and the best, he hasn’t whined once. he came home and said it was the best day ever. 

it’s a peace camp miracle. no matter that he comes home smelling of patchouli and curry.

then, upon noticing, i asked him about his latest mouth habits. backstory: he has had a long history of “ticks” with his mouth. it used to be simply annoying to me because i suffer from misphonia and IT IS REAL, PEOPLE. (seriously, i might have a fundraiser for it to raise awareness so people don’t murder people over it anymore. mouth noises kill people.) but lately, it has been getting worse. 

so i asked him about it, very lightly, b.t.w and he gave the most interesting answer. he said, “i have to do it. like, when i move one part of my body i have to move the other part or else it feels....(and he thinks long and hard)...EMPTY.” and he demonstrates with his hand, by moving one and then the other, the same way. 

it was so honest and he wasn’t worried about it but then later, when he was drawing, he kept asking me, “mommy, can you hear this?” and would do the mouth ticks. (he knows how i feel about mouth noises and ironically, he hates them as well.) i couldn’t really hear them unless i got up close but they are a very big part of his facial life right now. 

maybe this will pass but my inner feelings are worrying that it’s something else that he is going through, or has gone through.  i’ll keep the conversation open for sure.

besides the facial tick situation, we had a great evening. we rode our bikes, (minus danny who’s working tonight) with whit on my back to pine street kitchen where we braved a meal. it was so delicious and the kids were great. 

we come back home to showers and jammies and mellow music. then dane was telling me about aikido and how if someone is charging you, you act big and charge them back to intimidate them. not really sure this is true but it reminded me of this that i saw today which brought me to tears:

so i shared this with them and they were absolutely captivated.

after, they hugged and kissed whit to bed and now dane and cassady are playing perfectly together. it’s rare and appreciated. 

i’m going to start wearing patchouli.

[mollysueschwarz]

Sigh

Some days are just a fail fail fail. Even in beautiful, crisp, sunny Whistler. I got angry at Danny. I yelled at my kids the hardest I've ever yelled. (I mean, not Whit. Haven't gotten there yet with him. I know that day will come, though). Cassady and Dane whined about how long it was taking to walk to get fucking ice cream. Then they whined some more. Then there were a few good solid happy moments of fun and joy then they came back to the condo (Danny was grocery shopping)and straight up didn't listen to me while they were bathing. I told them to stop. They didn't. I told them AGAIN, they were making Whit cry by being too wild in the tub. And by the way, have you ever noticed the acoustics in a bathroom? So so great for singing and so so awful for yelling on top of screaming shenanigans. So I yanked them out of the tub. Hard. Real hard. Then I said this at the top of my lungs: I AM SO PISSED AT YOU RIGHT NOW. (Pointing my finger) YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF and YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF. Then I yanked Cassady into the tub while Dane waited, then vice versa. Then Dane is crushed and hiding in a cupboard sobbing because I "called him a bad word" to which there was a literal half hour conversation about give and take and certain words and that I would never in a million years call him a bad word. It was a long long conversation and i felt bad about it but I purposefully used the word. At that moment the alternative was something way worse. Then we got to a point where we hugged and he told me he felt better. Which I should've known because it was onto shenanigans again. With me yelling and threatening again. Then moments later Cassady screamed because he shit himself which led to a scream filled bath. Screaming is his go to and it. Is. Awful. So back to bed... Where they are shit heads again. I yank Cassady out and I swear to God I'm going to throw him across a room. Currently I'm sitting outside my bedroom door, crying making sure Cassady doesn't come out. I hate this feeling. Update: Cassady has fallen asleep in two seconds flat in our bed. Danny came home to me crying and I unloaded. Sometimes having kids is so so hard and it really boils down to being heard. Not to mention having only four hours of sleep, certainly didn't help the day. But tomorrow is another one.

[mollysueschwarz]

joy and love and annoyance

it was a very sweet family reunion last night. hugs and stories and i love yous all the way home. whit even stayed up until 10:30 to soak it all in.  the boys think whit is “so big now” and are all over him today. 

but if i’m honest with myself, i have to say i already miss my peaceful and relatively quiet life with just whit. i’ve already sent them outside for too much general loudness and way too much specifically “weiner and nuts” talk. 

they are also very tired. i guess. i mean that’s what i’m telling myself anyway. 

but it is wonderful to be a whole family again. and i’m really looking forward to taking three kids to the grocery store in a minute and wiping cassady’s butt again. 

i’ve really missed that. 

[mollysueschwarz]

luckiest kids i know

dane and cassady are in new york right now with their grandparents having the most awesome time ever.  the list is enough to make a grown up cry with jealousy. broadway show, central park zoo, museum of natural history, subway and taxi rides, pool time all day and evenings, cousin time, dance parties...

i miss them like crazy and can’t wait for their return (not to mention whit, who daily recites their names) but i am beyond thrilled that they get the chance to do all of this and that grandma and grandpa are so very game for it all. 

[mollysueschwarz]

show me that smile again

growing pains reference. 

whit fell off a park bench yesterday and jammed his tooth up into his gum. it was bloody, chaotic and sad. sad because he has no front tooth anymore and one of my favorite things about that magical little boy is his awesome toothy grin. 

thanks to my amazing friends it turned into an orderly chaos, especially once the screaming stopped. 

the dentist thinks that it’ll eventually and very very slowly descend and he wants me to monitor it for  a month with weekly checkups.

he is doing very well. all goofiness in tact.

[mollysueschwarz]

Terrible picture but let me tell you what an incredible meal @ryanjschwarz and I had tonight. Risotto, raviolis, chappellet wine and on and on. Great conversation and even greater dessert. This place served soft serve. SOFT SERVE. It's only my favorite thing. And it was legit. Then the server came up to us and kneeled down and said, "your dinner has been taken care of tonight. Maggie, James, and whit want to thank you for being such great mommies." Then we cried. Thanks Brian. (at Restaurant Picco)

[mollysueschwarz]

Playing so hard with his cousins makes it so hard to wake up. (at Mill Valley, California)

[mollysueschwarz]

wow

did you know that one kid is easier than three? i didn’t yell at all today. i laughed and laughed with whit because he is so super extroverted and silly. also this:

he’s that kid. dane and cassady were not “that kid”. not pictured are his hands covered and later, his mouth and teeth looking like he’s a tobacco chewer/chimney sweep.  

this all happened at a fundraising/summer kick-off party for a local camp where i saw many of my wee music kids. i got so many hugs tonight. then, as whit and i were walking back home, another music for children family pulled over and told me about their family obsession with the musical oklahoma. they told me their daughter belts it out daily and i said i hope she’s singing “i’m just a girl who can’t say no” (because a tiny girl singing that=hilarious and if you don’t agree then we aren’t friends) and they said that she loves that song, so i proceeded to belt it out on the sidewalk until it started to downpour. then whit and i booked it for home.

wet hair and markered face. 

also i cleaned out the big boys’ closet today. this is no easy task. amazing how much you can get done when only one human needs things from you. 

now i’m sitting in our quiet house, breathing in the summer rain smell and feeling like this is the only place in the world for me.

[mollysueschwarz]

The three of them using their fingers like cavemen. I guess the utensils were just too far away.

[mollysueschwarz]

Blurry but too cute.

[mollysueschwarz]

Beautiful family day at the beach yesterday.

[mollysueschwarz]

My eyes are teary but my heart is full of joy for the big kids. They are off on an 11 day adventure to new York with awesome, energetic, generous and loving grandma. On the agenda: pool time, camp for Dane, cousin time, zoo time, and a Broadway show! Not pictured: whit's sobs.

[mollysueschwarz]

Happiest of birthdays to my lower east side soulmate.