molly blog thing whatever

[mollywhitaker]

I just be saying shit

[mollywhitaker]

One of my coworkers jokingly called me my bosses right hand person and I mentioned it to my boss and he said I was! It felt good to be recognized like that. No longer going out with the person I talked about the other day. It’s whatever really. I am kind of in a self isolating mood sort of. I’m going to see Gwen before work a lot of mornings which is good for me probably. It’s just making friends I don’t have sex with that I’m struggling with.

Maybe that’s like my issue with a lot of the community I seem to find is that, through reading that article the other day, I sort of realized is mostly about using sex as currency to pacify people and smooth over relationships. I wanna be like earnestly cared about, I don’t just wanna fuck and be done.

I read a really disturbing letter a friend got sent last night and it really made me sad. I am not going to air out someone’s business, obviously, but it’s been weighing on my mind. I wrote a long Kaddish-esque poem about it that I’m gonna try and put to music tonight after work. I haven’t done any music in a few weeks (since moving to Ridgewood!) so this’ll be really good. It’s one of those things where it’s good to expunge all your thoughts into a piece of work cause then not only do you feel much better, but you usually get some pretty good work out of the ordeal.

I’m happy even if I’m isolated. My boss and I have gotten along so well lately. It’s like he treats me like his daughter, he tells me stories about his career before he started this restoration business, he asks me about my life before I lived up North. It’s nice. We had this exchange the other day which was sweet.

I’m not that lonely, anyway. I feel peaceful tonight.

[mollywhitaker]

Amazing day. Went out with Charlotte. I had so much fucking fun. It had seriously been like ages since I went out with someone and she was so amazing and considerate. I'm updating my old website so I can ideally have a blog again. I wanted to say more, but I can't even find the words. I feel so fucking good right now. Seriously amazing. I am hoping to see her again. What a cool day.

[mollywhitaker]

wrote this and forgot to post it-

Mother’s Day. My dad’s been begging me to text my mother, but I obviously have not done that. The last time we spoke was in early March, she yelled, “You are going to think about this choice for the rest of your fucking life”. Maybe so. She just wouldn’t call me my name. She said it was easier when I looked like a girl like I had when I visited her the day prior. A week or so later, I got a dollar on Venmo with the note, “Text me or I’m calling the police”. I texted her not to call the police on me and then I blocked her again.

Writing more a day later. I saw subway girl again. I was in her part of Queens picking up a chair and she hollered and said she was on the phone in her car, but that she wanted to say hi. She ended up giving me a ride back home so I didn’t have to roll my IKEA chair the mile ish back to scenic Ridgewood. She is clearly really into me, I think. I didn’t realize just how bad my internalized transphobia or whatever is, cause I’m like thinking this cis girl is like deluded or I’m like “does she know I’m trans” and shit. My internal monologue is like Tucker Carlson, truly. Anyways, she said we’d see eachother soon and heavily implied she might start walking around my area. She said a lot of stuff about serendipity and how she wasn’t worried cause she knew we’d happen upon eachother again. Strange. Fun, but strange. Pic included is my really baggy surplus pants

[mollywhitaker]

t4t is crazy why the fuck am I sending a horny letter

[mollywhitaker]

Didn’t end up going out today. I’m pretty disappointed but I did have kind of a fun day. I only worked for 2.5 hours since I pulled that ten hour day yesterday, so it was super easy get in get out sorta thing. Tomorrow my friend Izzy and I are going to IKEA to try and find me a desk and a dresser. I’m really excited cause then I can set up and fix up my computer so I can make tunes again.

I got on the M train into the city today and sat across from this cis girl who had like amazing style. I noticed at some point that she was staring dead at me. I waited until we hit Manhattan to say anything. I complimented her shoes and she asked about my pins on my bag. I sat next to her and we talked for maybe 15 minutes. She asked for my number. We got along well and she offered me some Kombucha she had made. She texts me this:

I sent it to Izzy and they were like “hmm. hmm hmm. i wouldn’t think so! only because well, she found you cute, yall exchanged numbers in a silly very nyc way”. So yeah, cis girl is interested in me? I’d fucking love to go on a real date with someone. Everybody just wants to fuck which is fun but also incredibly boring after a certain point. It’s like a handshake, eventually you wanna create relationships that move past handshakes, right? Maybe it’ll be cool. I’m flattered a cis girl would be into me. It’s like, what the hell do you want with me????? Then again, I am a girl and apparently an attractive one at that. Self loathing speaking there.

[mollywhitaker]

Dog tired again. The trains kept me waiting a lot today. I clocked out for like an hour and a half today so I could do a Facebook Marketplace deal, then I decided to stay an extra 2 hours so I could only work 2.5 hours tomorrow. I got caught up in Hoboken waiting on the Path for 35 minutes and ended up going to 30 Burgers. I hadn’t been there since January when someone I knew bought me a milkshake there after we sort of hooked up in my car. She was really amazing, but she was in rehab for shooting meth. It was wrong of me, but it took two to tango. I got too attached and freaked her out. I wrote a bunch of lyrics about it. I was really sad about it for a long time. I still shouldn’t have done it. I remember I wrote in March in my journal, “I get stupid when I’m lonely.” Tonight I feel okay, though. I’m (hopefully) seeing a friend tomorrow who always makes me happy.

I took a bunch of lewds yesterday and just kinda sent em around? I also took an audio clip whose contents I can’t share with you on this family friendly Internet forum. What the fucks my deal? I just act crazy sometimes I guess.

[mollywhitaker]

shoutout to the guy in Hoboken by the train station who just watched me spit a bunch of milk like a fucking lizard

there was a fucking MASS in it what the fuck do you even do about that , why does got punish me like this????

Plus there was a palmetto bug in my apt yesterday,,,, why me cruel god why me

[mollywhitaker]

Dog tired. Tired like a dog. It’s been one of those days where you get up and go basically straight to work, not that I really mind. I’m getting an extra hour today and hopefully tomorrow + Thursday so I can take off earlier on Friday and go see a friend from the old neighborhood (well, she lives in East Harlem and I lived on the Upper West Side and when it comes to trans girls in Manhattan I feel like I can stretch the definition of neighborhood quite a bit if it makes me feel a sense of community). I used to walk by her place a lot cause it was near this metro-north viaduct (like an aqueduct but for a train) which I found really neat. It was on the way to the Target on 86 and Lexington which I used to frequent at that time also. I liked it cause it was 3 stories deep so you’d take the escalator down to the main level (as is the case with most Targets in New York City) and then there was not only a third, even lower level but a circular railing covering a hole through which you could look down at the people in the lowest part. I got a real kick out of this for whatever reason and so any time I needed to get any banal thing like eyeliner or setting spray I’d take the hour and change trek across 110th street past Malcom X and past the traffic circles. Once, at the traffic circle on the far side of Central Park in East Harlem, someone pointed a green laser pointer at me from one of the big towers out there. I waved and every time I walked away they’d flash it at me. I always wondered who that was and why they decided to do that.

Anyways, like I was saying, I’m tired. Dog tired, as you might recall. Tired like a dog might be tired. It was a really hectic night last night as much as I like being the center of attention and having lots of strangers kissing me (and perhaps doing a little more which I won’t get into here), it’s nice to have a day like today where I got to walk around Queens and then go to my job which is very very doable and which I do not hate. My boss was kind of up my ass, but I can live with that.

As I was writing this post, I saw the train to Hoboken coming up the other track than what it usually comes down, so I had to bolt as fast as I could down the stairs and back up the other side. Kind of a nice adrenaline rush, I guess, but didn’t help the tired thing. I think it’s cause I’m 2 weeks off estrogen. I bet it’s starting to fuck up my hormones a bit and make me exhausted. Familiar kind of feeling to when I was off for 2-3 weeks last year when I had surgery for kidney stones.

I’m gonna take my shot tonight probably so I can avoid this awful tired feeling. I don’t even know why I missed it. I’ve got needles and estrogen for like another year at this point. I’ll run out of needles long before the drug itself, either way. I just haven’t felt good at my last place and I haven’t been able to shave my legs. So that feels pretty bad. Probably soon I will. A friend of mine from the bar the other day wants to meet up and I’m sure she would appreciate it, so would my friend I’m seeing Friday. Maybe I have sex with too many of my friends? It’s been raised to me as an issue before. I’d love some normal friends. I’m rambling, aren’t I?

[mollywhitaker]

Dearest Molly,

What word in the English language has three consecutive double letters?

thank you for the question I’m always happy to answer letters from my fans, I believe you’ll find the answer is “germinate”.

[mollywhitaker]

ended things with someone I was doing a will-they won’t-they kinda thing with. She said she wanted to become serious and I said no. Inciting incident was me going into a bathroom with another girl to be bitten and make out. Sort of sad, really sad. I liked her a lot but I also shouldn’t be getting into anything serious cause I’m a real emotional mess these days with my BPD stuff. I like friends and I like friends with benefits and stuff but probably serious commitment is a bad idea for me right now. An important lesson that, in a perfect world, you only learn once, is that you have an amazing capacity to cause others pain.

I feel bad although theoretically I didn’t do anything. In practice, who ever wants to hurt someone they care about? Not me. Day 2 of living in Queens and already all this has happened? Trying not to let it get me down, maybe I’ll lay low a few weeks.

[mollywhitaker]

brief period of quasi-homelessness is over

Lots to get used to, like having a door that locks that nobody’s gonna barge into. I grabbed a bunch of stuff from storage this afternoon to bring back, mixing headphones, videotapes for Coney Island tomorrow, most importantly a little Woodstock plush my ex girlfriend gave me before I moved to New York. I have a whole load of stuffed animals and stuff in boxes out in New Jersey that I’m gonna slowly bring to my new place: I guess the biggest thing that fucks with my head is that I don’t have to keep moving anymore. I took the plastic cover off my mattress and got a sheet at the thrift store by my new place.

When I got settled and Declan left, I just sat and cried. All this fucking time and money and struggle and here I am, sitting in the center of the known universe. My dad and I talked yesterday, which we rarely do. It also rarely goes well. It ended with me yelling, “You’re not proud of me, you never fucking will be.” It’s true, but I guess it doesn’t matter if some old coot in Kentucky is proud of me. I’m proud of me. My friends are proud of me.

There’s a lot to get used to. I jump at every little noise I hear in my apartment. Any time someone walks by I get so nervous that they’re gonna come in and ask me for money or something. I was terrified showering because I thought someone would knock on the door and make me leave so they could piss or get their contact lenses or just cut my shower short purely to maintain some kind of order. I told someone, maybe Shelby, that I felt like this experience had taken something I would never yet back which, from where I stand a few days later, doesn’t seem feel true.

Me and this friend of mine from the bar went back to hers in New Brunswick and cuddled and slept together a week or two ago. She said she could tell I was hurting pretty bad and kept saying she was so proud of me and that I was doing so good and everything was gonna be okay. I needed that. I needed someone who didn’t want to fuck to put it in perspective how little all the people who want to fuck actually care about me. She said, and this probably meant the most, “if anyone gives you any trouble or if you need anything, you come to me.” I will. Hardly ever in my life have I felt as good as I did then.

For once, completely whole,

Molly

[mollywhitaker]

at my job at the stovery (place where you work on stoves) feeling very uhh stoved up idk

[mollywhitaker]

I think this photo is really funny because this isn’t how you take a selfie actually you’re supposed to face the camera the other way

#trans #pupy

[goddammonite]

t4t in 2026 is beautiful

[mollywhitaker]

I said this