ED Recovering Mom

I am attempting recovery from anorexia after 25+ years of battling it. I am scared but I refuse to let this steal any more of my life.

[tem-covers-nobody-wanted]

it’s halloween again

[recovrywarriors]

Say this to yourself warrior! Just remember that you are worth it and full recovery is possible!

Find help: https://recoverywarriors.com/eating-disorder-treatment-and-support/

[mom2els]

Leaving tomorrow...the fear and the relief.

It is weird being at this point where I am completely panicking about what I will have to eat and do at Renfrew BUT simultaneously feeling a sense a relief that someone is stepping in to save me from myself.  I have been mentally preparing myself for the past 2 weeks to surrender it all to the team.  To trust more than I have trusted before.  To be more honest than I have ever been before.  To feel more than I have felt before.  To dig deeper than I have ever dug before.  

Not gonna lie...the panic is there.  I have googled every possible combination of terms to know as much as I can about what meals I will be eating, what the other patients will be like, even the level I will be at.  The uncertainty for a control freak is a killer.  But I will do this.  I must do this.  

[voragi-ne-deactivated20160523]

[namyoongthecoconut]

[mom2els]

The Countdown to Renfrew

Trying to get everything in order at my house before heading to Renfrew Philly on Monday.  I am motivated but fear once my health stabilizes I will go into “ok I am all better now, thank you” mode even when I am still underweight.  What I am realizing is that I am worthy of recovery,  I am worthy of compassion, and the ED has robbed me of happiness for 27 years and I don’t want to give it anything more. 

I am working this weekend on preparing myself to surrender all control to Renfrew (if they decide bed rest or modified bed rest is best, I will do it...if they think I need supplements, I will do it - I HAVE to trust them).  Trusting that they know better than I do right now what is best for me...for those who might argue that because of maybe not a good experience with doctors or still too in the midst of the ED - trust me, a BMI of...let’s just say it puts me in the extremely anorexic category.... sucks.  It might look like a cool goal on paper but living it out and having my brain consumed by thoughts of weight, calories, and my body is complete misery.  I am determined to get out of this - to live the life I know I am worthy of.  

[metamorphosisofmeg]

little reminder that recovery doesn’t have a weight limit or a particular mindset

everyone in recovery is going to be at a different stage and that’s okay

some people may have a BMI of 16, and others a BMI of 22, some people may be lower than that, and others may be higher

some people fight ‘fear foods’ every day, others might not have any anymore, and sometimes, some people may just not feel ready to fight those things right now

some people just want to get healthy and have it over with and others may struggle with letting go

you can’t tell if someone is in recovery from what they say or what they look like

recovery is personal, and the only people who can know 100% that we are in recovery are ourselves

don’t let people judge you in this

do it for you

[thekirstenlynn]

Please don’t spread the name and face of the Charleston shooter, call him a white terrorist because that’s all he is, don’t give him the respect of learning his name or recognizing his face. All he wants is to be famous, now he will be infamous. He only deserves to be known as a white homegrown terrorist and imagined as a monster because that’s what he is. Instead learn the names and faces of the victims, they deserve to be remembered not the monster.

Remember:

Clementa Pinckney

A Democrat state senator who was also the pastor at the Emanuel African Methodist Church.

Cynthia Hurd

A librarian at the Charleston County Public Library. She’d been working there for 31 years and was a manager as St. Andrews Regional Library.

Sharonda Coleman-Singleton

She was a revered and a mother of three, she was also the coach of the track team.

Tywanza Sanders

A recent graduate from Allen University in Columbia. He was recently working as a barber. It is said that he died trying to save one of his family members.

Please, if you hear about more of the victims, add their names and a little about their life. 

Go to this link to learn more about these victims. What I posted is only a short summary.

Also if anything like this happens again, do this instead of showing the shooter/terrorist. This is a tragedy and I will do my best to raise awareness, I hope you will too. Thank you.

[mom2els]

Friends...

After leaving treatment in April, I distanced myself from those I had grown to consider the best friends I had ever had in treatment.  I knew I was headed downhill and didn’t want to trigger them but I have also been ashamed of my actions.  Well, I have found that through reconnecting with them, I am finding they are helping give me the strength to face another stay and do the work I need to do.  They are in this battle, too.  They know the wacky way an anorexic brain logics things out and because of that, they don’t allow any BS.  So grateful and getting more and more right to do this thing right this time.

[mom2els]

Not gonna let my fears rule me!

I might be scared of going into treatment again and of recovery as a whole, but I will not let that fear get in my way of living the life I want to with my family.

[mom2els]

Panicked night...

So many questions...will I be able to eat once the food is put in front of me, will I be able to handle the emotions it brings up, will I be the fattest one there????  Kinda wish I would just get there so the wondering would go away.

[mom2els]

Reality sets in...

I got the call from the treatment center and I am set to go in next week.  As I searched the internet for ideas of the food I will get, I found a page with a week’s worth of meals and it scared me to death.  It is so easy to say I want recovery and to name all the reasons why I want it, but then I am faced with actually eating meals that seem so overwhelming.  So afraid I am going to back out.

[mom2els]

First words...I am scared.

First post.  No one will see it.  That’s ok.  Just need to say I am really having second thoughts about going into treatment in a week.  Knowing one isn’t healthy yet gaining the weight to get healthy are two totally different things.