a crush
You are my distracting puzzle.
I gave you so much from the jump. I trusted you foolishly, like a high schooler and her first crush. Our lust is exciting and I feel addicted. I give you all the control and although I know I shouldn’t, I have no boundaries, no safe word. You’re my toxic drug I keep for myself. My sneaky link that I keep hidden from my friends and family. I am single and yet completely devoted. I hang on to your every text message, your every phone call, like it will be my last. It’s sick. It’s not me. You don’t deserve me. You don’t try. And yet, I don’t care. I choose to be recklessly in love by your distance. I choose to be infatuated with your mysteries. I strategically don’t ask questions just to watch…. to analyze how you open up to me. I’ve watched how you’ve slowly talked about your interests and your stresses.
Your’e obsessed with work. You drown in it. You complain about it as though you want a break but I know you love its undying pace. You disappear on getaways and you share little about your present time. Im both bothered and curious. I know you’ll get bored. I can feel it. But now it’s a game. How do you fall. How hard do you fall. Who …… who are you really? What are you thinking? How do you really feel. You say you’re not looking for anything serious. And I say the same. But now I want to see what image you hold behind the puzzle that you exude. Im interested. I know I shouldn’t. I know I’ll fall first. I know I’m weaker than you in some aspects. But what if I play the roll cluelessly. What if I play your princess.
I can see you like to be helpful. You need to be the hero. I don’t mind playing the strong independent damsel in distress. How long will it take for you to spill that you love me? Can you hold out forever. Is this a never ending game. Are you a depiction of a human being but really an emotionless creature that thrives off fake romance?
Maybe I’ll gain patience. Maybe i’ll learn how to fill my time. Or maybe i’ll continue dreaming about our next encounter. Imagining sentences so foul and sexual that your jaw drops. Listing places that I’ll have us go slowly. Crossing off names of restaurants like crossing off gifts on a Christmas list. Maybe I’ll make monthly goals of how I can get our relationship to grow. Maybe just maybe by next year, you’ll be addicted. I want to get you to try things you blocked off trying. Go places you didn’t think would be interesting to go. I want to help you find hidden gems where we are. I want you to see the beauty of the world from my perspective. I want to be your home base. I know you’ll have to leave but also I know you’ll want to come back.
