I have this problem that comes up time to time that hinders me from planning my day and executing them. I want to write about this today instead of fitness or nutrition because this is about my mental health processing. This one is about my anxiety. I want to write it here to mental floss and also share with others who might be similar to me. What I hope to achieve is awareness in myself and others and setting some obtainable goal and a way to be accountable.
First of all, at any given day, I usually wake up just knowing what I need to get done and how to best achieve them. I can map those tasks out in my head. It would just be easy if my mind-mapping ends there and I get up from bed to start getting those things done. RIGHT?
Well.. That doesn’t happen sometimes... like today...
What happens is I get stuck thinking about:
“Is this good enough for today?”
“I know I should do more.”
“In the past I wanted to think of myself as a successful person. Am I that person now?”
“I like laying here in bed. I wanna stay longer...”
“There’s more amazing things I can do.”
“I need to do more work.”
My mind just starts going through those bulletpoints and makes each line worse by PICTURING PAST EVENTS like a movie in my head the situations that make me think and feel said quote.
“Is this good enough for today?” - I picture all the times I failed to fully realize the day and put it to good use and feel those feelings of failure.
“I know I should do more.” - I picture all the times in the past I half-assed and remember feelings from guilt of a friend passing away by suicide and feeling very stupid in class as I presented something half-assed.
“Am I that successful person I thought I would be now?” - I picture myself in the past tense as a kid who loved drawing and being creative with inventing stories and ways to engage with people. I remember my emotions of excitement as that kid who dreams of being some amazing storyteller or inventor. I then compare that past feeling of excitement to my current feeling of executing my plans for today. And I die a little knowing it is not the reality I had built over the course of time. Yet still curious enough and hopeful enough to think that if I try hard starting now, I can still create that reality!
“I like laying here in bed. I wanna stay longer...” - Thinking back in the past week of being over-productive and getting things done, I suggest to myself that maybe it IS a good idea to just take a break today and do NOTHING. But then I freak out internally because I did not plan on doing nothing today.
“There’s more amazing things I can do.” - I think of the current state of my being and try to encourage myself by daydreaming what I COULD BE in the future...
“I need to do more work.” - I instantly mind-map out all the things I need to do in order to fulfill what I just daydreamed about and feel overwhelm and daunting. I realize there’s no time to waste because if I want to be that greedy to accomplish everything I imagine, I need to plan and start envisioning these realistically and set timetables and goal-lines.
Then I realize I had just wasted half the day laying in bed still not ready to start the day and already it seems like I’ve lived a lifetime.
I eventually calmed down and got my day started at 4pm...
Made myself breakfast of eggs, bacon, and coffee.
Then tried to get some sort of productivity going.
My priority has shifted from executing everything I thought up when I woke up initially at 10am to just making myself comfortable and enjoy my desktop computer and TV.
Gym has gone from a top priority to a bonus option.
Diet of keeping carbs under 20 has been loosened to under 40.
I specifically worded the goal to “Enjoy my desktop computer” because I wanted to be productive still but not beat myself for not doing everything on my to-do list.
I think I did manage to do some productive things, but i had more fun overall.
I picked out my gym classes for the week
read some things of interest on Quora
Plan my To Dos for the week
Rethink some long term goals
And then now I am writing this here because I’ve been planning on starting up and keeping up a daily post again like I have in the past. I remember how much satisfying it is to write things down and remember the pictures and progress to appreciate in the future.
Anyway.. Thank you for reading my odd first post back in a couple years! I hope to engage more and post more frequently about healthful things both good and bad. I want to improve on these things in life and it is important to reveal and understand what is the actual state of things before administering ways of improvement.
