from this mess Iām in and come to the brightness. Im terrified and tremendously apprehensive. I know in my life that I yet still have more challenges to face, and hopefully overcome successfully. I need to do this, for me. I cant go through this torturous, unimaginable , and unmanageable task to please anybody. If I do it for my family, my friends, and other people to help their conscience and emotions then I wont receive the self-healing, self-accomplishment, and also self-assurance. Including the true, complete acceptance that I did this myself to heal and better my decisions in life to get on that RIGHT path I left so long ago. Im unable to fully comprehend my deep, and truest feelings or even thoughts about all this. I cannot say I will succeed or even conclude this unbearable journey cured and exactly how I was before the drugs. I acknowledge the difficulty. I am aware of the immense effort, ability, and determination I have to somehow impossibly put into to complete it all the way through till the end. Ā Im not, nor ever will be prepared for any of this shit, I know that now from the constant pathetic tryās to quit since February 2010, but questioning that Iām fully ready or not isnāt solving anything. The answer will always be the same, for all of us who cant rid that aching and constant craving from that BITCH Addiction. It will always be just like this; āI want to go and get clean but then I donāt. Soon I will go , but I still wanna get high one more time than Im done.ā- Yes, No answer. Conflicting with one another which makes it so much more harder, making your thoughts scream and argue with yourself. It was always like that for me, a tremendous, messy quarrel with what my heart wanted and what my mind wanted. My mind has always retaliated with intimidating, condescending, overpowering, bestial force leaving my heart injured with self-suicide, it breaks down in disappointing, painful defeat.
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