one-stop one-sided media reviews

:D

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FOOD REVIEWS I: Bread

yes. very good.

thank you nutrtion gods for giving us Tartley's Pure White Loaves and making them so good to eat with butter

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OH GOD I FORGOT IT's AWARDS SEASON: Brief Thoughts on the TRinity Awards Nominees

how the HELL did Peerage not get nominated for Best Short Film that shit was epic I demand a reassessment.

But in all, pretty happy with the noms this year! I think it's obvious who's going to win Best Full Feature and Ken Hooley probably has another Best Actress in the bag. With the others, it's kinda unclear (it's going to be a very tight battle between Taghiyev and Parios for Best Director, for one thing), and I honestly am very excited for it! I'll post my full thoughts on the winners when the time comes.

(but seriously how did peerage not get nommed for anything IT HAD FREAKING JEREMY COSLETT AS WRITER THE TRINITY GUYS LOVE HIM)

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BOOK REVIEWS II: Cherry Fields series (Gia Spillane)

Girls love horses. It's a truth echoed across pretty much every type of media. Boys may fantasize and admire cowboys galloping across the Wild West and shooting any trespasser, cattle-stealer or non-white person they come across; girls are passionate about the horses themselves. And thus, media must be created specifically about horses and the near-symbiotic bond they share with tweenage girls living in the country.

I had a lot of horse books growing up, on account of being born with a uterus, and despite what you may think most of these books were absolutely great. Dilly Derby, Maisie and the Whistle, Globetrotters, etc. But they mostly focused on the same rock-solid realism-induced stories with relatable protagonists and a reliable setting. Gia Spillane's Cherry Fields and its following sequels blew that out of the water by adding serious fantasy ideals to your horse girl kids novel.

As I said, the connections in these stories between horses and the riders are deep and unbreakable, and the relationship between Cherry Fields and our lead Wren F. Winrow (funky off alliteration points there) is no different, apart from the fact that Cherry Fields herself can fly and uses sparkly lasers to increase her speed. It's nice, in modern fantasy novels where half of the conflict is our lead trying to keep any hair out of place a deadly secret and under wraps, to read Cherry Fields where the secret was non-existent and half of the conflict arises in Wren trying to keep her friends and classmates off Cherry's back.

There's also something else iconic about the series, and that of course is Maude. You wouldn't think that a small girl with thick glasses who is literally described as having "an air of ink, paper, and the smell that arises when a dog has risen out of the river" would be able to both infuriate you and strike the fear of God into you, but she does. With style. Maude was a lot of young queer girls' first crushes for a reason - and a very weird, scary yet completely understandable reason it is. Maude, as great as Wren and co. were, was the only kid who actually showed more than a minute amount of spine, and we all loved her for it.

Cherry Fields as a series was overall an absolute TRIP and makes one wonder as an older and more mature reader: just how much of the plot was constructed with Spillane on edibles? No joke, books four onward get absolutely surreal (Glade's death absolutely traumatised me, no joke), and ends with an absolutely mind-bending finale which left 13-year-old me staring into space and babbling incoherently under my breath.

So, in general, the Cherry Fields series gets an 8.5/10, and my final words are "why the fuck is Wren x Cherry such a popular ship on the Underside Collection?"

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MUSIC REVIEWS II: Sweet Release (The Harkers)

The Harkers is one of the few good true rock bands still around today, and I mean that one. Apparently they ranked behind Afterfresh in a recent poll about the best rock bands, which is an absolute travesty, so here I am talking about their latest album in order to convince you too.

Sweet Release is a departure from form in that there's more than one song about love (which I can imagine must have been torture to write). Surprisingly, both of those songs (Fate and Tender Heart) absolutely slap, and are some of the best in the collection. However, the absolute best (and I'm sure that a lot of people will agree with me on this one) is Yearbook. As someone who spends every other minute of their waking day reminiscing about things that can't happen again, the lyrics speak volumes to me, and that bass line. God. Incredible. The fact that it got to the top 10 is also really great.

I know that people were worried about what would happen to the band when Danica left, but Luella was possibly the best choice for her replacement. My friend who absolutely adores Luella's music left about six thousand messages on my phone immediately after Luella was confirmed on The Harkers, just screaming indescribably.

So, in general, SWeet Release gets an 8/10, and my final words are "AND NOW THE SPIRIT OF WHAT I USED TO LOVE CAN NO LONGER SPEAK" because holy fuck Yearbook.

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FILM REVIEWS I: Valley Down Girl (dir. Alastair Kiern

Why exactly did I decided to do Valley Down Girl as my first film review? Because that movie is now permanently burned into my brain, both as a cringefest and as a reason why diversity is important in your teaching staff.

For context, back in Year 4 our teacher was...a specimen, to put it bluntly. She was the only person born on the west side of the Atlantic in my school's teaching staff, and so for many kids, she was their only reliable source of information about what life was like in America (my Mexican heritage only gets you so far). It did not help the quality of information she was giving out that she was born and raised in some reeeaaally remote town in the south of Lousiana (either Cameron or Hahnville).

Anyway, at the end of a long week she would always put on a film for us as a "treat", and the only two films she would play were Valley Down Girl and Jesus the World's Patriot. I could write a whole essay about how World's Patriot changed me inside, but for now sticking with Valley Down Girl.

First of all, it is incredibly unlikely that your film is going to be an accurate portrayal of living in the South as a picture-perfect white family if your directors are named "Alastair" and "Julian". (And I still find it hilarious that this saccharine fest was Alastair Kiern's first directorial outing). The two try their best with a limited budget and the incredibly strict controls set on it by the LCPA (Lousianan Conservatives' Patriot Association, which I believe was done in like ten years prior to us seeing the film for the first time), but the end result is just a mess.

Shirley Dawson is kind of a relatable POV character (before being dumbed down by her asshole of a arranged husband), but everyone else is just ineffectively stupid, astoundingly racist (even for 1930's Deep South rural communities), or in most cases both. The one main black character in the movie (who's played by a modern-day GOP donor) is just kicked to the ground again and again an the movie just portrays it as "comedy" or "justifiable".

Of course, it being created by a conservative Christian organisation means that there are some obligatory beats. It starts and ends with Bible verses, there is an all-American red-blooded sex scene between Shirley (whose actress was 17 at the time) and her horrific partner (played by Earl Daley), and the main messages it carries are one of patience, humility, meekness and what-the-hell-are-you-sure-this-isn't-Utah-or-something-jesus-mcfrying-cornwheel. A mixed-race couple are scorned and dehumanized, and as kids we just sat there appalled at what we were seeing (at least most of us were).

Jesus motherloving. I'm reviewing a religious conservative film, so I will take the Lord and Lord-mini's names in vain however many times I please. Jesus. God damnit. Christ. Jesus Christ on a bike. The ghosts of the beings who relax in heaven cannot affect me here or in Hell. *right where were we?*

So, in general, Valley Down Girl gets a 2/10, and my closing thoughts are "kind of ironic that such a religiously pious film was made with a cast and crew that was like 50% closeted queer".

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TV REVIEWS I: Kip and Rory (BTVCkids/BTVCmini/BTVC)

If you had a certain upbringing, Kip and Rory were an instrumental part of your childhood, and in my eyes there can be no higher praise. If you didn't have that upbringing, I can only pity you.

For the uninitiated, Kip and Rory was a show about the titular brothers (at the beginning Kip was 4 and Rory 7), exploring the world and making discoveries. They were joined in this noble quest by their parents, their cousins Millie and Ben, and of course the best character, Sponge the cat.

What set it apart from other shows at the time was how fine-tuned it was to itsaudience; it expected them to be at the age of Kip, and as the audience got older the characters got older, with the show itself moving to a later timeslot on a more mature channel when Kip turned 8.The whole show itself was just insanely clever and well written, and ahead of its time if you're talking about stuff like queer rep and more mature themes (Rory's friend Martin, introduced in episode 2, talked about how great it was to have two dads. This was in 2009. How they got away with that I have no idea)

The show has just concluded its 14-year run last week with an incredibly emotional send-off (with Kip taking Rory's place at uni), and everyone I know was just bawling at the finale. It was just an all-round amazing show.

So, in general, Kip and Rory gets a 8.5/10, and my final words are the entirety of the theme which I can't post here because it's too long and y'all probably would have heard it anyway

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MUSIC REVIEWS I: Starfall (Per Aspera)

It's Per Aspera. We've been waiting nearly two years for this album. It had better have been good otherwise the fanbase would have committed some kind of execution.

The release of the singles Free Touch and Melodrama were only as bait to keep us hooked. WE sat back. We listened. We posted about them, memed about them (because how else were you supposed to comprehend Melodrama?), shared them. We sucked the living juice out of them until there was nothing left.

And then the album itself came, and...it was a bit of a letdown. It's clear that they were using the aforementioned songs as bolster for Starfall, as apart from Far-Flung Pilot they were the only ones of note. The others were, well, quite lackluster, at least for Per Aspera standards. Especially STREETSMART. That poor song is destined to become the clue that stumps everyone on Per Aspera Sporcle quizzes.

It's also clear that PA was feeling burnt out after the sheer divinity of Newton's Cradle. That album was a drop-dead masterpiece, and so it's kida obvious that such a godsend would have a period of mediocrity after it. It just sucks that the songs are just there, not even that bad! Just forgettable.

Thanks Asperisers, for giving this to us.

So, in general, the Starfall album gets a 5.5/10, and my final words are "holy clusterfuck Melodrama saved this album by the skin of its teeth"

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BOOK REVIEWS I: The Ash Menagerie Companion Books (assorted authors)

SUMMARY: Oh man. Ohhhhh man. I have been waiting to get my hands on these for ages, as anyone who knows me will happily attest. I've been a fan of Ash Menagerie for years now, and it was somehow only last year that I realised the books existed? wow.

It's safe to say that for the most part, the writers behind the series do a fantastic job of keeping the characters and the stories fresh and exciting while sticking close as possible to the source material (the one exception to this will be mentioned, don't worry). Of the six in the series, Cumulus is the most true to the show imo, and therefore my favourite (also helps that I loved Stacey Carling before).

Regarding the characters, again most of them stay true to their TV counterparts with just a little bit of exaggeration (Frequent Static did not have to make Toby so much of an asshole though) - and, honestly I don't care about whatever other people say about the inclusion of Jacqueline in Cumulus and Round Table, she was amazing and made me wish that we had gotten to see more of her in the show itself (Tasha Aspitel, your work will not be forgotten).

Oh yeah. Copper Keys. Now, I will say that unlike other, more heated discussers of this topic, I would have had no problem with Noah Colvin writing an Ash Menagerie book if he had actually spent more than twenty minutes checking up on the show, and even those twenty minutes not from series 6, as that was the only time Wit and Sadie's relationship had even bordered on romantic, and even the most fervent of Wit/Sadie shippers did not agree that that idea had to be the main focus of a whole entire book. The whole thing jsut feels uncomfortable and unrealistic (since when would Elspeth be associated with the Menagerie?), and even the rare strong points (eg Garon actually had purpose here, instead of being a walking doormat) were overshadowed by the romance. It just...really wasn't good.

So, in general, the Ash Menagerie book series gets a 7.9/10 (a 9.25/10 with Copper Keys taken out of the series), and the final words are "#JacquelineForQueen", because why tf would they be anything else