monomorphilogical

this is the cut I'll bleed from forever she/her ♱ 26 ♱ faq

[monomorphilogical]

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[monomorphilogical]

Sixteen

lost it one too many times

going over the blur of passing highway signs

I remember when the whole world smelled like gasoline

stained fingers leafing through some sun-bleached magazine

just a hole in my t-shirt and no stone to throw

and before I know —

I feel the way I did back when I was sixteen

heading aimlessly for some nicotine stained fever dream

it goes to my arms — tears in my eyes

beneath my clothes is nothing but a coldblooded disguise

back when all the good folks would go to hell

and all the bad ones got off on a drawn out kiss farewell

— can you hear me?

was I easy when the girls were young and free?

trying to look for heaven with fingers dancing through the flame

soaked through with anger at the waiting game

hanging out in the middle of the parking lot late at night

worn out charcoal eyes begging for a fight

when sticks were still in the bayou and I never cut down to the bone

trailing the death of me whenever I managed to get home

best goddamn days of my life

going on and on about how "I'm kickin' it baby and I'll survive"

but I always needed something more

wide eyed — big smile and cleaning collateral off the floor

always in head over heels in love with a fantasy highway car chase

as long as I could get used to the new face —

it didn't hurt to be loved

I didn't want it if it didn't make me pray through a mouth full of blood

and I kinda liked when it'd hurt that way

— it proved I was something at the end of the day

a little adrenaline to cut open the edge of my mouth with

while you were standing there pleading the fucking fifth

and maybe I was too mean

or maybe you were tearin' at me in places never meant to be seen

I'm a bad idea — a real good time

double-visioned as we go to yours or the parking lot off I-59

pressing a mouth to a mouth on some Godless Sunday

praying I'd take your breath away

give you a reason to take my life with the same hands holding me

I loved you so much that I lost touch with reality

you're nothing but a fucking drive in theater going up in flames

I remember the gasoline soaked memory through all of your games

when I'm driving down the interstate on my own

and I should've known —

I'd feel the same way I did back when I was sixteen

backwater town pretty with a mouth made goddamn mean

spitting my love on the ground

nothing but wet-teethed bodies following me around

saying how a dog's still a dog even if you change its name

even though I was winning at the changing game

spinning circles in an empty parking lot again and again

knowing my time was around the corner but never truly when

but now I'm behind the wheel instead of riding shotgun

God as my witness there's something in this car that smells rotten

I can't stop trailing the death of me

— and I've always been afraid of what people say or see

'cause the air feels just like it did when I watched the cars go by

from the overpass in a suffocating July

and I couldn't tell them any of them apart even if I wanted to

now the cars on this road look that way too

and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it 'cause I do

I love it when I bleed and I like it when I can't tell apart my rearview

'cause at the end of the day they're all just the same

a set of wet teeth and reaching hands carrying a different name

but there's nothing to be done about a couple of old scars

long winding road and the same type of cars

right now I'm both twenty six and sixteen

backwater town pretty with a mouth goddamn mean

[monomorphilogical]

Beneath the surface

from scarred tissue through where the vein bleeds blue

you've got a river running through you

dragged along by all of the weightlessness of a waterfall

saying how it makes you want to put your head through the wall

around the corner from a kitchen light heaven sent

but there´s already a hole in the door down where the key´s gone bent

'cause you´ve had your knees cut before you even crawled

surrounded by sharp edges from every time that yesterday called

spending every hour counting down the days

no time to mull over the meaning of a close-mouthed phrase

when the world's turned upside down it doesn't matter who's above

they held your head beneath the water and called it love

while you tried your hardest not to crush into sand

and they never wanted to understand —

already halfway out the door before you could even walk through

the days dragged long — and it only hurt when you let it

so you got hit and got hit and got it

then come back and do it to yourself ´cause it didn't matter

when nobody's around to see your reflection shatter

and just like the tide you raised your hands to their recklessness

driven to the edge — drowning in carelessness

fallen far from reality with echoing futures outside of your view

your hands held on so tight everything broke in two

so you borrowed your indifference to fit you in

until your blood ran thin —

and you told yourself you're just a stoic statue fit for nobody

paralyzed by the absence of your own soft body

and you washed it away at the river that never brought you to shore

unraveling at the sutured horizon promising something more

so you made sure to witness each sunrise come hell or high water

dragging your feet home like a lamb to slaughter

letting in the night each time you came home to the dark

lights off — nothing but a scuff mark

there´s traces of you throughout every gravel kicked road

and you cashed in on each blow you owed

strung out and stone cold

half homebody — half locked jaw shaking uncontrolled

now all you know is how you feel and how to deal out of pain

from the weight that comes with your name

each time you remember the ones that live to empty your lungs

you're dragged beneath the water that's hiding behind their tongues

and you'll search for a different way to keep from setting sail again

— telling yourself you don't know when

but each time your sky breaks open like torn skin

the rain carries every echo you try to keep deep within

while you bury your head ashore from sinking further into the mud

I know the rain turns to tears and the tears turn into blood

in the way you look at me with those watery eyes

and it feels like I’m suddenly falling from the highest of highs

— it feels like falling into the sea

the deepest parts of you an infinite depth below me

while you act like water won’t raise at the break of night

but the world's always been cruel in the lowlight

terrified on that side of the conversation 'cause you don't know how

but your soul is so much closer to my mouth now

and I'm not scared you'll bite the hand that comes near you

'cause my darlin' — it takes a whole lot more to break me in two

and when the river runs dry just for you to choke on air

I'll stay with you there

and I'll hold you through every torn sky that tries to tear through you

until the both of us are hopelessly soaked through

'cause you've got my body — flesh and bone

through every battered stick and through every sharp-edged stone

so tell me where that runnin' river of yours will lead

and I'll weather every storm to catch every drop you bleed

[mournfulroses]

Octavio Paz, from a poem titled "East Slope," featured in The Selected Poems of Octavio Paz

[monomorphilogical]

Dirt pits

I made a fool of myself in the stretched out absence of a fight

everybody knows time passes slower in the flicker of a street light

and I've spent a long damn time driving in between a river and a road

with a unhinged jaw shakin' beneath the heavy load

twenty five and still crying in my sleep

too tired to open my eyes — too weak to make promises I can't keep

terrified to watch them leave and wait but they never come back

so I smoke through the entire pack

praying I don't have to talk if my voice has gone to hell

throat all choked up — how can they hate me when I do it so well?

but tradition's ligature marks always cut right through

and I lied when I said I didn't care to

if you try to hurt me I won't stop you — as long you do it good

cut me up and draw out blood

maybe then I won't go so white on the wrong side of the bed

on a cold mattress and no soft place to put my head

'cause it felt like bleeding out all over the sheets

listing to the night fall and helplessly crash through the streets

while time dragged on

I fucking hate 'em for all of my torn through heaven sent babylon

I've been here for years — I've been here too long

and only God knows I'm not that tough and I'm not that strong

but what's gonna scare me when I've seen it all?

always on the edge wondering what would happen if I let myself fall

'cause a river is still a river even if it's gone dry

and there's nothing left to do but sit there like a starving dog and cry

lockjawed around some unspoken thought

begging anyone who walks by to be taken out back and shot

I'd do it to myself if I could

just to avoid the feeling of being misunderstood

'cause I've busted already bruised knuckles just to feel alive

and I've fallen asleep on the edge of a knife

there's not a lesson left on earth I haven't learned the hard way

and there ain't a place that's made it easy for me to stay

I've stood on the ashes I used to call home

and that fire has burned every part of me down to the bone

long enough to forget the way I was supposed to be

and now I'm terrified to bite the hand that's right in front of me

but last night I blew you a kiss — I hope that you got it

underneath there was a whole lot of teeth and I hope you caught it

like a witness to an endless maceration

continuously lost on the wrong side of the conversation

but I don't need nothing to be happy anymore

I just need to know that you won't let me fall to the floor

'cause I know this town will bury me when my time comes around

deep in the country that drove me to the ground

and if I asked you filled to brim with years of doubt —

would you hold your breath and pull me out?

'cause come tomorrow I will wake up to the voice of you

praying you'll warm every weathered part of me through and through

[ruraltears]

[monomorphilogical]

Waning Weather

praying on my knees on the side of an emptied out field

for each time I've been mouth to mouth with a fractured windshield

I'm continuously driven to every edge of me

stuck in the light of a burning cigarette — but my eyes still won't see

love has never meant enough for me to find myself in the light

but stained glass windows mean too much to me to grieve the fight

and I've had to raise my fists in front of every open hand

how many miles longer do I spend kicking up dust on this dry land

— my flesh and blood's been starving for too long

I was the fated witness to an absence that should've kept me gone

like making love beneath trees that loom and never grow

I'm still walking down the road that drove me to the ground long ago

with its pastures spread out through my endless transgressions

I am a burning cathedral soaked through with confessions

forever mispronounced through an open mouth of sacrificial blood

my love’s a wound begging to be washed clean by the flood

I've walked in between a river and a road and it all looks the same

far from a promised land — one I still can't name

all I've known is a highway car chase littered with roadside kill

but I'm sure there's a calm before the storm in me somewhere still

'cause I've slept on backseat leather in every place I've been

kept warm by the fire burning out within —

so drag every part of me down beneath the surface of a rising tide

guide me in the depth of a body that has never felt the divide

with soft spoken mouth to my shameful sin

and deliver me from a fractured horizon perpetually luring me in

'cause heaven alone can't untangle my limbs from unforgiving reeds

and I'm still full with the potential of consecrated deeds

through the tangling and loosening ties

my prayers stumble out from an open mouth and waning eyes

I am smothered — covered in endless traces of this buried fallacy

but the water reminds me of who I used to be

every time I close my eyes I see but a fraction of different futures

my catatonic limbs drift through my unraveled sutures

and I cannot make out the split between a promise and reality

so look away when my shaking jaw closes around my own mortality

and lay me down upon an unwavering faithful ground

with hands cupped over the cut of my starving stainless teeth

all over over the stretch of skin where softness still hides underneath

my fingers ache to touch the softest parts a man can take

and just like the rain I set out to wash out the hurt from every ache

because a bruise is just time running out to heal

but I'm scar-tissued sweet and I've got nothing left in me to conceal

as my blood carries away with the river at the edge of my feet

I'd give anything to turn from fractured concrete

my fingers sinking deeper into the soil in attempted instinct

both the dirt beneath my nails and within the whole of me are linked

I've seen it written on every billboard I've passed before

please — remind me of every holy conviction bursting from the core

my eyes are filling up with the depth of a river blue

'cause there's a light pouring in and I'm already soaked through

between the washed up shore and this deep country green

my spine molds to the shape of this earth and I am washed clean

helplessly licking the back of my teeth for a taste beyond the blood

like grass swaying back and forth with the current of a flood

and I lean my head back when the sky breaks apart

basking in the light that evaporates every tear from my heart

[ametoraeye]

[monomorphilogical]

Tennessee whiskey

I'm sitting across from my hands on a heavy leathered stool

in an off beat bar down a backroad that's only been goddamn cruel

I've got me a bottle in one hand and my heart in the other

and when my glass is empty I'll wave to the bartender for another

'cause after every damn time that my heart got torn in two

the whiskey would just pour right through

— I've seen of plenty men and women lookin' to get their fill

and there's a wickedness in me still

'cause the devil finds me in every wrong place and wrong time

when I've been tryin' my best to walk a damn straight line

I never would've seen the trouble that I'm in if it hadn't been for me

and that damn love for honey whiskey tennessee

Lord have mercy on the angels that fell down on this country dirt

we're walking around with nothing but a heavy heart and a torn shirt

all these wasted regrets from the all the bad we're doing

we're all just drinking up whatever's the devil been brewing

— there's an old man in the corner that's tellin' anyone willing to hear;

'don't look twice at the bottle or you'll stay another year'

he's the kind of man that’s been to hell and came crawling right back

with a cigarette between his teeth from a half empty pack

and I guess I should take him for his word

'cause there's an honest truth in booze breath and a voice slurred

and I'm losing myself in the haze of a jack daniel's old number seven

God knows I ain't got another year in me if I wanna go to heaven

but this life of mine hasn't been all too kind —

it's just easier gettin' through it with a whiskey soaked state of mind

I don't pay no mind to my heart when my body's gettin' sicker

but that man in the corner ain't no stranger to the soothe of liquor

and he says to me 'don't you come here anymore

'cause I drank more than you've ever spilled on this barroom floor

here the devil sticks like whiskey to the soles of your boots

and he'll poison the ground each time you try to lay down your roots

so make yourself gone and don't come back

before that devil burns that soul down to charcoal black'

but I've met that old devil a hundred times before

and I can't see the split between my soul and his anymore

life's got a way of leading you down to the crossroads too damn fast

and remindin' you of the writing on every wall that you've passed

so I sit up as straight as my worn out body is willing to go

and I look that man straight into the eyes and let him know —

'I already lost my way and ended up stranded on this town's bad side

and that devil came smiling sharp as a knife before I could decide

so give me a better reason to be good to the love I still got left in me

'cause I ain't leaving this bar just for the good in me

but if he ever crosses my path I'll be sure to pull out my old six shot

and put a bullet right through the soul he bought'

he takes one look at the state of me and raises his half-full bottle

and makes a noise that's louder than a hand-warmed throttle

he shouts 'you oughta learn to keep it steady between the ditches

it's your choice if you wanna be buried beneath burnt bridges'

I can't stay — I don't want to leave

this low down bar's making it hard to hold onto what I believe

but I can't stop myself from thinking of a right place at the right time

so I guess I should take it as a damn sign

and get myself off of this damn old heavy leathered stool

pay my last dollar to the bartender that's only been goddamn cruel

'cause I never would've seen the trouble that I'm in if it wasn't for me

and that damn love for honey whiskey Tennessee

[monomorphilogical]

Witness to the absence

I have fought the urge to dig into the meat of my stainless thighs

by the pull of a twitching muscle to my veiling eyes

inevitably tired from falling asleep to every dream I find you in

so I'll take the long way home — down the road to ruin

the street lights are mouthing at the edge of me

leaning my head back as the night succeeds to embarrass me

and I bare witness to the maceration

wet-teethed on the wrong side of the conversation

if it all went to hell you wouldn't have a thought about saving my life

my body seeking to be loved to death by hand-warmed knife

I give in so easy — my skin feels so heavy

I am plains and pastures overgrown and burnt out already

wordlessly buried besides a pavement that drove me to the ground

while time drags on and never comes around

my starved out body becomes possessed by the insatiable need

and your hand hovers over my mouth with nothing to feed

praying this is the end when I know it’s not

haunted by the soundless implication of an empty parking lot

I want to know — I want to let go

but I'm busy watching the forest for the trees loom and never grow

the dirt beneath my fingernails means nothing to them

and in the morning I will have to crawl out of the weeds again

walk my way to the only home I've known

where I think about you each time I'm undressed and alone

heaven turned away when it turned into a body that I prayed to

I want to show you — if you want to learn how to

softly swaying from the wind blowing in through the open backdoor

it is a far cry from how warm the world used to be before

and I take the cold to bed with me

while catatonic waves ripple through the empty space inside of me

'cause your mouth's forever salivated with overwhelming desire

and I watched as you burned out the gasoline fire

lost with the knowledge that there is no beginning — there is no end

like an aftermath of a car chase burning up around the bend

but if you want you can take a bite of me

I'm already bled empty knowing you will never love me

[unrar]

“I studied philosophy, history of religion, aesthetics. And ended up putting myself in chains. Of my own free will.” The Sacrifice (1986), Andrei Tarkovsky.

[monomorphilogical]

Hand over hand over heart

you've got bad dreams tailing on about smoking a taillight grave

and all of the bad memories your secondhand machinery forgave

these dead nights will make passing by headlights rue the done day

if it wasn't for the stick shift you'd have a hand to give away

greeting a clenched fist shake to the hitchhiker waiting on the I-65

you'd pick up God himself if you weren't scared to survive

break the hold onto the cross swinging over the center console

you'd rather wallow the empty handed so it never swallows you whole

holding a hand over hand over heart just to prove you're still here

aching to tell anyone about another goddamn long year

all tired tires worn through with the length of another dry mile

black lungs breathe through the fumes just fine but it's been a while

rolling down the windows 'cause it means so much to you

but there's no reflection in the smudged glass of a pileup rearview

backroad left behind the four-wheeler driving through a red

there's a sign to stop but the color lost all meaning where you bled

stained sheets have turned the interior guts and glory a mud gray

free-handing the wheel 'cause you still haven't found your way

with memories of an old engine beaten down by secondary sun rays

scrap metal rusting in the desert besides roadkill dead for days

beneath an endless sky that never gives you more than you can take

there's a desecrated heaven in the way your fingers shake

aching to curl over the looking glass buried in the palm of your hand

bending wrists over backward in a fist fight for the free land

begging for a close look to the closed book of a story soaked holy

happiness is a hand warmed throttle turned over slowly

like cruising down a farm field byway

your faith's making out with concrete that refuses a highway

and the turnpike six lane reminds you of the battles you never won

of years rambling on like a lost son

and the desert sand is piling up like your mouth's running out of time

like sleeping the backseat leather with a twisted torn out spine

the dirt buried underneath your fingernails daydream about home

swept away when you white-knuckle the early morning alone

the summer sun wins every losing game against a night grown cold

you've got a coyote's hunger and you've got no hand to hold

keep it hard pressed against both sides of a faded billboard sign

broke down on the side of a gas station with lights divine

licking the inside of your teeth like there's salvation within gasoline

you've got a taste for the honeyed sweet obscene

drowning out cries of the night carving ligature marks into bones

you'd shatter yourself in a fracture for simple sticks and stones

so bend and break the morning back and climb your body in the front

pump the clutch until you're the one chasing a hunt

driving through a battlefield of ribcage haloes and wet teethed jaws

your love's a wound and your blood's home to roadside claws

forget about taking too sharp a corner 'cause you're only going down

there's no one around in the shape of this town

I know you're tired of driving the along the endless line of the wire

life's not a highway car chase and you won't win by the inch of a tire

but you're geared towards a dream you've had from the start

you're still here with a hand over hand over heart

[monomorphilogical]

Dirt road promises

there's a heavy shouldered angel for every mile that weighs on us

but there's faith to be found in a dirt road promise

if you knew about the road I'm on I bet you'd wonder where I've been

every storm weathered by the ligature marks on my skin

it hasn't been that long but God knows it's been a damn hard one

and I'm tired of kicking up dust with every tire spun

the blood I spilled has long dried up on my hometown street

but it's still flaking off the torn leather of that old pile-up backseat

and I promise I've never tried to take anyone's life but my own

in that goddamn house that's never felt like a home

I spend my life like a highway car chase 'cause I'm lost in all my sin

but I'll take the straight and narrow if heaven ever lets me in

so I beg you to watch the way you're white-knuckling that wheel

'cause driving in heavy weather will corrode any heart of steel

soon you'll see how there's a road and a river and it all looks the same

while the rain beats down on your scrap metal frame

I know what it's like to shake until you can't keep it in check

all my push and pull limbs held on like a scratched out tape deck

I took too sharp a corner — the byway shouldered angel's nightmare

and I watched as their sacred bodies froze and died right there

my hands couldn't win a mile in all of their fight or flight

so I took care of their brittle bones hidden beneath the street light

and I buried them on the side of the roadkill passed over on the I-65

there's an end to this road not many will survive —

but I don't need you to tell me about where you've been

it was just a matter of time until I surrendered the urge to let you in

'cause my scrap metal shoulders are at home with bearing heavy load

and I'll keep it steady for the length of this damned dirt road

even though you don't get what I'm saying half of the goddamn time

just know I've seen the writing on the wall on every billboard sign

you're on a road of your own and even if I should've let you go alone

I hope you know that I can hold my own

'cause I've driven through the ashes that I used to call home

and I learned how to keep the fracture from the bone

you've just spend your whole life walking the same stomping ground

and now you're trying to cross a river where many have drowned

but there's no bridging the gap between today and years from now

those parts of you can only corrode for as much as you'll allow

there's more to spending a life on the run from the highway cop

driving's only fun until you want to stop —

you either become who you are or who they've made you out to be

the dirt road you're going down was never going to be easy

[auralrapeblackearth]

[monomorphilogical]

The death of a white horse

I am lead through the world by the hands of my own sickness

watching them choke on the spit of their forgiveness

but the scars will arise to their defense

there's no saving the skin tightening in repeated suspense

white-knuckle the wheel in thinking a machine could still betray me

and the engine drowns out through the nods of a baby

their empty hands have already reached into the pile-up backseat

fill the night with silence born from an mispronounced sigh of defeat

when the apple rotted through the core where it fell down

besides a river of blood where that line was meant to drown

they have never taken anything away from me

the ground was already barren between the roots of my family tree

only God knows why angels wait on the shoulder of a country byway

watching from the sidelines where I let my faith decay

and I never stopped it — call it sheer curiosity

ninety-five down the highway like there's something wrong with me

I'm winning in a losing game confession and it'll never be enough

'cause I can take a hit but I'm not that tough

tell me this life's all about knowing when it's time to sink or swim

I'll jump into the river just to illicit a response from him

and all of the angels will drown with me while I run softly out of air

heaven has forsaken the fate of a broken up radio station prayer

'cause I am strangled to death by love

forever listening to a white horse trample the ground above

I can only keep it steady on fractured concrete

the same way I continuously cut the knee on my hometown street

with dirt-covered fingers pressed against the flayed open nerve

— God never gives you more than you deserve

but it's not anyone's fault and I don't need nobody to pull me out

daddy told me that the white horse is something I should do without

so I watched it leave while I begged but it never came back

soaked through with tears until the world went black

woke up with my morality swinging forth from the ceiling beam

I used to be so good but they have made me mean

in between the jaw of a rabid dog 'cause its breath keeps out the cold

and the fear is there but it's getting fucking old

down on floorboards I've worn out by praying on my knees

I'd keep the wolf from the door if I wasn't weak from this disease

their teeth break my scar tissued skin so easy

and I'll lay there steadily bleeding out until they see me

'cause I am strangled to death by love

forever listening to that white horse trample the ground above

I am what they have made me — they will never save me

God will carve unto my body that he wishes he'd never forgave me

all of my bones will grind to dust beneath the weight

my edges sharpened to a knife until decay is all I'm able to create

hold me by the neck and lift my weary feet off the killing floor

I'll beg you to stop and you will bear down to give me more

'cause I've killed myself again

my skin gives so easy — but I didn't know it back then

all of my guts and glory spread throughout the power line valley

no different from a scared child running through the alley

after my daddy said white horses would never find me

I'll beg to the sleeper for a place to hide me

letting in a world of hurt with every straggler I drag home

but when they lay down next to me they'll never feel more alone

and they'll tell me quietly it feels like sleeping next to a dead body

they don't know my momma took me out back and shot me

I bit the bullet with lidded eyes and leaded limbs

corroded away until all my soft spots became cess pools for their sins

the body of a child molded into an afterthought for years to come

praying for a fist to the face to keep it from going numb

my hands are taught to throw a punch so I'll never hold it too tight

I'm winning the losing game by succumbing to every fight

no one will be there awaiting my survival to save me

and God will hate the way I have become what they made me

— 'cause I am strangled to death by love

forever listening to that white horse trample the ground above

[strangledplanet]

[geryone]

Good Monster, Diannely Antigua