Montana. ballerina at heart. bookworm. fangirl. in her thirties. writer. loves country music. capricorn. part of pandateam. fashionista. tends to fall in love with fictional characters. captain swan shipper for life.
I love you. It's as simple as that, I remember coming to your ask one day and simply telling you thank you. Then everything changed. My life got better with you in it. You chased or kicked in the ass, the loneliness, you make me believe in love in every form, the purest one, friendship, you're my soulmate in a way nobody could compete, you're my best friend, the person who knows me, the person who understands me. I love you.
Hey Panda. I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anything in my life.
You know I never thought I would be the one writing your eulogy, considering the fact that I am, as you often reminded me, a granny seven years (it’s actually six and a half, dumbie) older than you, but this is the hand fate has dealt us so I’ll attempt to do it to the best of my ability. I hope you won’t mind that I’m addressing it to you because it’s the only bearable way of writing it; talking about you in the third person is distilled pain, a hundred proof agony the likes of which I’ve never experienced before and I can’t help being glad that you won’t ever have to feel it because someday when I’m gone, we’ll finally meet again.
I could fill the world with things we planned on doing and won’t be able to, but I’m not going to dwell on them today. Instead, I will focus on the things we did in those thirty-two months of texting, talking on the phone and having five-hour-long Skype calls, and one glorious month we spent living together and hugging every chance we got to make up for all the hugs (because you’re an adorable cuddle-monster and I’m just comfy to cuddle with) we were unable to have because of the miles that separated us.
So here goes:
- We watched Mission: Impossible 2 (wherever you are now you’re rolling your eyes in astounding ways and you know I did this on purpose)- You introduced me to your favorite band, Mumford & Sons, and unsuccessfully tried to teach me how to do a banjo with my voice (I am sorry, Panda, but not all of us have an ear as musical as yours)- I made you read The Time Traveler’s Wife and you did it even if you weren’t much into it because it’s my favorite book, just like I read Wuthering Heights even as I kept complaining of the archaic language, because it’s yours- You believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, and I held you up when you needed a little support, but neither required any effort because that’s what you do for your best friend- We went to the cinema and ended up being the only people there, but they played the movie for us (and then we spent half an hour cleaning up the popcorn you spilled, missing the best part)- You infused me with bravery I didn’t possess when I needed it most, and I have since done things I never imagined I would do just because you were strong enough for both of us, even if you kept denying it- We wrote one million one hundred and thirty-five thousand one hundred and forty-five words (this is not a made up number, I actually went through all our thirty unpublished Captain Swan stories and added the words up), and I hereby proclaim you the winner of the feels war, and mourn all the enchanting stories I’ll miss out on from here on out because nobody’s writing touches me like yours does - You gave me your Fairy pendant and I gave you my Bunny, which are both things we never would’ve given up for the world before meeting each other- We nudged each other into going on dates with guys who ended up being unbelievably good, then had a lot of stunned conversations because we couldn’t believe we were so lucky- You’ve opened my eyes to the fact that Gordon Ramsay is indeed a hottie, and that watching Masterchef is the best thing you can do when you don’t know what to do with yourself- We spent hours lying each in her own bed with our phones pressed to our ears, whispering in the dark and sharing secrets until there wasn’t a single one left to share (and there was just one thing we ever lied to each other about, only to find out that we’ve been lying about the exact same thing), and more often than not I was the one who fell asleep on you not because the things you said came even remotely close to being boring, but because you have the most soothing voice in the universe- Roweeeeeeeena- You awed me with your ability to analyze a piece of literature and made me so proud when you aced all your exams, and it was wonderful to see your walls covered with notes that you refused to take down until I came over- We ate mille-filles (I know they are not spelled or pronounced like that and you know I know it) and attempted to make a quiche from scratch, which turned out a bit doughy in the middle, but still perfectly edible, so hush about it- I made gallons of smelly tea and you let me because I had a cold and you wanted me to feel better, and when it didn’t help you went to get me a magical French medicine even though you didn’t feel like going out - You left coffee mugs all over your apartment and I had to go on quests to find them all every time I was washing the dishes- We fought over the positive and negative sides of taking the Pill and gave up the fight because we realized that we were the two most stubborn people in the world and there was no way we would ever agree on it- You reminded me to put crème on my face every time I forgot, and made me the most stunning crown braid imaginable- We spent so many weekends on Skype, sometimes talking, sometimes not as we wrote or made gifs for tumblr, but always proclaimed it the best time we had all week- I had you in my pocket every time I was doing something that made me anxious, and I held your hand when you worked to switch universities, then watched you thrive when it finally happened- We both had friends who left us and found new ones along the way, but every heartbreak and high point we experienced together, which made them less sad and more wonderful than having been lived alone
I could go on forever because I remember every word you ever said, because I have all the pictures and recordings you’ve ever sent me, because you are in my heart and your voice is in my ear even as I write this, but some things are sacred and I cannot share them with people who are not you.
Something happened today that I desperately want to tell you about, so I’ll wait until it’s bedtime and whisper it to you across the stars; nobody else would understand, and even if they did, they are not the Panda, so I won’t.
Endings are hard, aren’t they? I will tell you one more secret, then; you are loved by so many, but there is no better comfort than having been loved by you.
People say that friendship is one soul dwelling in two bodies, and that saying must be even truer for soulmates like us, so it’s impossible that ours has gone away with you; it’s still here, perfectly safe inside of me.
I love you to the moon and back a billion times over.
otp meme :: three heartbreaking scenes [3/3]
⌞ if i can help return things to how they’re meant to be, then what happens to me here won’t matter, will it? now go; save your boy.
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
tangentwithtanner
pixelskylines
dededos
vaporwave
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
