dreamer @moonieisms-blog - Tumblr Blog

no one: Jungkook: i like milk :)

itshighjccn‌:

joon feels exhausted in a way that he hasn’t in months. and it’s weird, considering he’s done nothing. but laying here, moonie at his side, and being unable to do anything or say anything that he really wants to takes all of the energy out of him. he doesn’t even have it in him to fight any longer, can only bring himself to let out a soft hum of acknowledgement to moonie’s argument as he simply let his fingers continue to draw patterns against his skin. “ mm, so you don’t want me to get up and make you something for breakfast in the morning either? ” he teases softly, content with the feeling of moonie’s fingers clinging onto his shirt as if he’s afraid of losing him. he hopes that, maybe, losing him again is something that he fears. " yeah. well, make it up to me in the morning by at least remembering all of this when you’re sober, okay? “

he felt weirdly protective as he listened to moonie talk about himself and how he’d acted while they’d been together. he knew that moonie had his insecurities, knew that he had certain limits to what he was comfortable doing because of them, but that was normal. and yet, to hear moonie talk about it, it sounded so horrible from his perspective. it broke his heart a little. ” I think you’re too hard on yourself. you weren’t comfortable with showing affection in public, sure, but .. you were always affectionate with me when it was just you and I, you know? and you weren’t doing anything wrong by keeping that to ourselves. you were private but you treated me wonderfully and I .. probably should’ve done a better job of making sure you knew that instead of focusing on being hurt that you didn’t seem comfortable doing it all the time. “ he corrected him gently, carefully phrasing his words in a way that he hopes will at least provide some comfort for the unnecessary guilt that moonie clearly had. ” it makes sense to me. I know your parents were .. tough. and I know that isn’t easy. but I just .. if you really wanted all of that with me, marriage and a family and everything, I just wish you’d trusted me enough to talk to me instead. “ he held him a little closer at the mention of his parents, anger flaring up instinctively at the thought of just how easily they’d convinced moonie that he was anything other than the perfection he was. ” of course I do. “ voice barely above a whisper, he admitted just how obvious it was for him to want moonie here before being caught off guard by the passion in moonie’s next words. ” I just want you to be happy, moonie. and if you’re not going to be with me, then I .. I just want you to find someone else who makes you as happy as I did once. “ he explains his reasoning, wanting to make sure that moonie hadn’t mistook his assertion that he could find someone to make him happy as him wishing he would find someone else. because, although he wanted moonie happy, he still wanted it to be him to do it. ” I’m not avoiding what you’re saying, it’s just .. I mean - you don’t get it. “ he sighed, frustrated by just how easily moonie let sentiment after sentiment fall from his lips while he tripped over each of his words. ” I just don’t know what I’m allowed to say anymore. “ he attempted to explain his reasoning for selectively acknowledging moonie’s replies, hoping to make him understand just how delicately he was balancing what he wanted to say and what he was allowed to say as his ex. ” I never made you leave, moonie, and I won’t start now. “

focusing when moonie was around was nearly impossible for him. it always had been. and tonight is no exception, it seems, because he knows that there are a million things he should be thinking about and yet the only thing his mind will allow him to focus on is just how close moonie’s lips are to his skin. the sound of moonie’s voice, asking him for a promise, is the only thing powerful enough to draw his attention away and he gives the tiniest nod at the sound of it. ” I promise. if you stick around long enough in the morning, we’ll talk. “ he agrees, expecting to get out of the promise easily when moonie inevitably leaves in the morning. ” you could barely make it into my room when you got here without help, you can’t make a twenty minute walk on your own right now. “ he tries to reason with him, although the lingering tingle on his lips from where moonie had been is distracting enough that he isn’t sure he’s making the most convincing arguments. ” past tense sentences? I don’t - what do you mean? “ he doesn’t understand, can’t seem to connect the puzzle pieces that moonie kept giving him. why had past tense sentences upset him enough to leave? he’d only used them whenever he’d been talking about them and they were past tense, weren’t they? it was a fact that he had expected moonie to be fine with, considering he had been the one to get them here. ” I can stay with you until you fall asleep, if you’re worried about being alone. “ he suggests, when moonie says that he doesn’t want the bed unless he’s with him, but even he knows that he’s avoiding the obvious solution. he just doesn’t know if he can spend the night with moonie if he only plans on leaving again the next morning, doesn’t know if he would ever be able to fall asleep in his bed again if his sheets smelled of him the next morning and he was forced to cuddle up with the memories of everything he’d lost. again. despite that, he finds himself clinging onto moonie only a second later. because, even if it could very well lead to his undoing later, he can’t bear the thought of losing him again. not now. and especially not while moonie looked as inexplicably devastated in front of him as he did. ” I .. want you here. “ he admits, voice barely above a whisper of his own, and it’s such a simple admission but he still feels his heart speed up with the fear of having said too much. ” and you’re not ruining anything for me, moonie. you’re not. please. “ he isn’t sure what he’s begging for, exactly; he’s only sure that he just wants this to stop. he just wants moonie to stop crying, wants to make him happy again even if it’s at the expense of his own heart. ” push you away? “ he’s confused, unsure of what exactly moonie is pleading for, until he feels the other boy’s lips against his own again only seconds later. he freezes at first, his body seemingly refusing to accept the fact that this was actually happening, before he finally relaxes enough to actually kiss him back. and he knows that it’s a mistake, knows that it’s only going to be another thing for him to regret when morning comes, but he can’t bring himself to pull away. not when moonie had begged him to not do exactly that and not when this was everything he wanted. instead, he kisses him as if it’s the last time he’ll ever get the chance to. because it probably is. and, when moonie pulls away finally, he just barely manages to keep himself from chasing after his lips for more. ” you … you can’t be sure it isn’t the alcohol talking when you haven’t even had a chance to sober up yet. “ he points out, voice audibly shakier and less confident than before the kiss. he was running out of excuses for why moonie was doing the things he was if he didn’t truly mean them. “ I miss you too but you’re just going to change your mind again. ” it’s a reminder to himself as much as it is a deterrent to moonie, desperately trying to keep his defensive pessimism in tact while foolish hope begins to blossom in his chest, but it sounds less convincing than he would’ve liked. his heart isn’t in it like it had been at the store, too focused on how close moonie is instead, and it’s obvious just how close he is to giving in. it’s only his fear of yet another heartbreak that holds him back. “ but, until you do, you can … you can try. ” he let his eyes slip closed as moonie pressed their foreheads together. “ but you don’t need to try to make me love you again. you just need to try to … to stay. ”

moonie himself feels exhausted, more so than he’s felt since the night he walked out and that was both physically and emotionally exhausting. he’s just unsure of how long this is going to last he’s laying beside the love of his life yet he feels like they’re just so far apart and he blames himself for it. he shook his head at the question and he pushed himself closer to joon, arms enclosing around him to keep him close. “ no. no i don’t want anything but you. no breakfast. . . . okay maybe breakfast. “ he breathed opening his eyes, his stomach growls at the thought of food but he ignores it and he clung onto his shirt again. losing him again is something moonie fears, the last thing he wants is to lose joon again especially when he has him in his grasp right now and he does not plan on letting go now. . . or ever. “ i will remember. i’m drunk but i’ll remember joon. i promise. i know wha i’m talking about. “ he breathed.

moonie’s idea of being a loving boyfriend had been completely different to how he thought about it now. he was supposed to show joon, everywhere, just how much he loved him and not just when they were alone, that way he’d never have been as affected by a simple thing as flirting as he was. his parents weren’t accepting of anything he did really, and moonie bit his lip at the thought. “ i should be, i deserve to be hard on myself. “ he says softly and he hums. “ i should have been more affectionate and shown you just how important you were. “ he closes his eyes at that and he buried his face in joon’s chest. and he closed his eyes. “ you did do a good job you always did i just. . . was stupid and insecure. “ he sighs at the thought of that and he wished he hadn’t been so insecure and selfish about it. he shifts back a little to look up at him with a tilt of his head. “it’s not something i wanted. “ he corrects. “ it’s something i want. but i know i’m sorry. i know i should have talked to you about it. . i was scared. “ he says honestly and he blinks up at him as he’s held closer, his fingers skim over joon’s back and he shakes his head. “i am going to be with you. i’ll prove it. “ his voice, despite clearly sounding drunk is a little more confident than it had been. “ nobody else will make me happy. you make me happy. “ he yawns the exhaustion kicking back in again and he leans his head back in and lets it rest against joon’s shoulder. “ i don’t get. . what ? “ he asks looking back up. “ i’m sorry i don’t get it. “ he says a frown coming to his lips as he tries to figure out what he’s not getting mooni blinks again and he nodded. “ i know. . i just don’t want you to make me leave now. i’m sorry. “ he’s not sure what he’s sorry for again but he means it nontheless.

moonie’s still trying to focus on getting his shoes on, yet he can’t even seem to do that. he doesn’t plan on going anywhere in the morning unless joon tells him to leave, which he’s hoping that he won’t just up and tell him to go. “ okay. “ he breathes in agreement, eyes still watering and he’s trying his best to get them to stop. “ i made it to your room fine on my own. “ he says trying to be serious about it but he knows he can’t actually make a twenty minute walk but that’s what ubers are for. he sighs almost dramatically. “ all these things you’re saying they’re all.. all past tense and i-i know that’s my fault but i really want to try and fix it. . but i know it’s past tense because you don’t love me anymore. you said loved. “ he speaks referring to the other day in the store. he knows this is all him, it really is. and he shakes his head. “ it’s not about not wanting to be alone. . . i don’t want to be in your bed without you. if i can’t leave i’ll sleep on the couch. “ he breathed. he didn’t want to sleep on the couch, he really didn’t. he knows why, well his siber mind would know why joon can’t share the bed with hi. he’d feel the same if it was his bed but right now drunken moonie just wants joon and that’s that. the pleading catches the younger boy off guard and he tilts his head unsure of what he’s to do and he nods. “ you do ? “ he asks him, he’s facing him now and joon’s breath is on his face. “ i am. . i know i am. “ he sighs softly and he nods his head. “ don’t push me away. “ he says he knows joon’s confused but he tries not to think about it. his hands are on either side of joon’s face, practically cupping it in his hands. he can feel joon freeze under him but it’s like everything hits at once the moment he actually kisses back. it’s all he can think about, he’s kissing back. he doesn’t regret doing it, not one bit and he won’t regret it, that he knows. he can’t pull away yet, doesn’t want too, and he can’t help but bring joon in just that bit closer even if he is pressed against him. he was surprised though that he hadn’t pulled back from him in disgust or annoyance. “ yes i can. i am positive it is not the alcohol talking joon, shh. “ he says and he pecks his lips once more. “ i’m sobering up fine. “ he breathed. he sighs and he moved both hands slightly squishing joon’s cheeks when he took hold of his face and he shakes his head. “ no. no i’m not going to change my mind. i’m never going to change my mind, joonie. “ he breathes out and he kisses him again. just a peck, his lips once and then he moves them all over his face. “ never will i change my mind. “ he says and he blinks staring at him, the clear surprise on his face and he nods slowly. “ i don’t need to try to stay i don’t want to be anywhere other than with you.” his lips curl into a slight smile and he move shis hands away from joon’s face, his forehead still pressing against joon’s and he watches him close his eyes. “ i will stay. if you want me to stay. i don’t want to be anywhere else i promise. “ he says softly and he closes his own eyes. “ just. . . let me prove it. “ he’s pressed so close his arms wrapping around joon’s torso, his head slipping from against joon’s to be buried in his shoulder. “ i’ll stay with you. “

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s #ndskjlewjds #do i regret this reply #no

paintingjeon

#ᴅᴇꜱᴛʀᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴘᴜʀᴘᴏꜱᴇ } v i s a g e

itshighjccn‌:

joon isn’t sure if he’s helping. his instincts tell him to comfort moonie each time the other boy seems upset, past habits and behaviors kicking in with the hopes of making him happy again, but he isn’t sure if that’s even what moonie wants. is his prescence still something that brings him comfort or is he just another stressor to him now? the sigh that passes moonie’s lips doesn’t help answer his question. “ this isn’t all you’ve done. you’ve done some amazing things as well, some things that you wouldn’t have been able to do if you were the worst. ” he’d saved joon, in more ways than he could count, had made him happier than he’d ever been or ever would be, and he still loved him as much as he had the first day he’d met him. “ I’m sorry. if that’s what really happened, then this all started because of I did. ” he points out, still uncertain on what to believe. “ are you sure? because I can’t help your chest feel better the way water can. ” it tickles where moonie’s nose brushes against his skin but he doesn’t even consider moving away from the feeling, drawing him closer instead. “ don’t apologize. I’m just glad you made it here okay. ”

the sound of his name falling from moonie’s lips is almost sweet enough to bring a smile to his lips despite the harsh reality of the words that follow it. almost. “ I just .. don’t understand why it wouldn’t be something you wanted. ” he murmured, voice deceptively casual despite the fact that he was coming dangerously close to giving moonie the honest insecurities and confusions that he’d hidden behind walls of indiference before. “ but you’re not pathetic, moon. I just want you to be happy. ” he admits, suddenly thankful that their current position gives him an excuse to keep his gaze diverted. he wasn’t sure he’d be able to say any of the things he had tonight if he had to look into moonie’s eyes while he said it. “ I want you here. ” nobody’s ever been home like you. the words should make him happy and yet they feel bittersweet, taunting him with one of the things he wanted most while reminding him that it’s no longer something he gets to have. he wasn’t home for moonie any longer, he hadn’t been for some time, and he wouldn’t be again. even if he seemed convinced that no one could take joon’s place, he knew that it was only a matter of time and sobering up for him to realize just how easily someone could replace him. “ don’t say that. someone will make you far happier than I ever could. ” he avoids the wishes for his own future, can’t even begin to imagine a life with anyone other than moonie and doesn’t trust himself to pretend that he can. my home is here. as if moonie can read his mind, or anticipate his avoidance of his previous confession, he repeats a similiar sentiment that doesn’t fail to make his heart leap into his throat as if it’s the first time all over again. and he wants to argue, wants to point out all of the flaws with such a declaration, but he also wants to preserve whatever place he has in moonie’s life. no matter how unlikely it seemed that moonie would ever really want to, he wanted moonie to know that he could always come back to him. “ well. you’re welcome here anytime. ” and then silence falls between them, heavy and suffocating with the unsaid, but he can’t bring himself to break it. because he’s still so unsure; unsure of what he’s allowed to say, unsure of what he’s allowed to feel, unsure of how long he has left before moonie leaves again.

it’s unfair just how natural it feels to have moonie pressed back up against his side. even the feeling of his lips on his skin, something that should’ve felt so out of place after all of the time that had passed, felt like home. because, as he feels moonie’s lips at a spot just below his ear, he isn’t uncomfortable like he figures he should be. far from it. instead, he’s reminded of a time when moonie would leave a little mark in the exact same spot - something small and private and theirs - and something warm blossoms in his chest instead. and he feels so pathetic as it does because he knows this is all temporary and that moonie will leave again in the morning but he still can’t stop himself from clinging onto him while he has the chance. “ it’s okay. we’ll worry about it tomorrow. ” he murmurs, when moonie stutters out a soft agreement, and he isn’t sure whether he’s trying to comfort moonie or himself. what he is sure of, however, is that the feeling of moonie’s gaze on him is enough to nearly make him blush and he’s grateful when moonie’s voice breaks the silence enough to give him something else to focus on. “ I did plenty wrong. ” he argues softly, his mind immediately and cruelly reminding him of just how easily he’d let moonie walk out of his life without even trying to stop him; it was still the biggest mistake he’d ever made. but before he can get too lost in his thoughts, he finds himself distracted as moonie shifts beside him before doing the last thing he’d ever expected and pressing their lips together as if it’s the last time he’ll ever have the chance to do it. and it’s so cruel, because his lips are gone before he even has the chance to do anything and then he’s moving away from him again, sitting up and taking joon’s heart with him as if it’s the most casual thing in the world. “ wait. ” he breathes, still trying desperately to catch up to everything happening around him. and he knows that he isn’t the one who has been drinking but it feels like it in the moment, his head spinning wildly enough to make it seem possible. “ what are you talking about? you can’t walk home right now, moonie. you’ve had too much to drink, it’s not safe. just wait. ” he sits up then, just in time for moonie to start sliding off the bed, and it feels a little bit like deja vu from the day they’d broken up with how quickly everything is moving. because he could’ve sworn they’d been fine, happy even, and now moonie is walking away, mumbling something about excuses, and he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. “ is that what this is about? because I don’t mind. really. I want you to have the bed. ” he’s sitting at the edge of the bed now and he’s almost positive that he has to sound as desperate as he looks, offering moonie anything in the hopes of convincing him to just stop, but he can’t bring himself to care. especially as he watches moonie clumsily open the door to his bedroom, stumbling away from him. and he had prepared himself to lose moonie again, had expected to have his heart broken in the morning, but he hadn’t been ready for it so soon. “ moonie, stop. just talk to me. ” he pushes himself off of the bed then, making it to moonie again just in time to hear the sob that leaves him. the sound breaks his heart and he’s acting before he even has a chance to think about it, falling into place behind moonie and wrapping one arm around his waist, his other hand gently enclosing the hand that moonie had been hitting his chest with. “ hey, it’s okay. shh. ” he attempts to soothe him, forcing his voice to not convey the panic underneath his own skin as he gently and subtly rocks him instead. “ I’m sorry. whatever I did, I’m sorry. just don’t go. ” he murmurs, voice soft and head tucked into the crook of moonie’s neck. “ please. ”

moonie wants nothing more than to just curl into him and be comforted, yet somehow even the distance between them emotionally and moonie still feels it. he’s holding onto him and that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. he hums sotly and he closes his eyes. breathing him and clinging to the back of his shirt. he wants to reply but honestly he can’t think of anything good he’s done for joon, the only thing sticking in his mind is the fact that he left him, left him heartbroken and feeling god knows what. he shakes his head and says nothing again because he doesn’t want to continue this back and forth and he lifts his head a little to look up at him. “ it’s. . not. i was insecure, and i. . just took it too personally. “ he breathed and he closed his eyes over again and buried his face back in joon’s neck. he then nods his his head and hiccups. “ i’m sure. i told you i’m not letting you go. “ he says fingers lightly curling into the back of his shirt. “ my chest is okay. i don’t need water. “ he says softly he can feel him pull him closer and he smiles against him, nestling into him, regardless if they’re standing or not. “ it should have been sober me not drunk me. i’m sorry. “

he breathes out a sigh, still hiding his face like a child trying to hide from being scolded and he squeezes his eyes closed. he then loosened his grip a little but not much and he shakes his head. “ because it wasn’t. i know you don’ believe me. but it wasn’t. i thought you’d be happier with someone who could show you affection and how much they love you. i wasn’t doing it right. i wasn’t. what i wanted was to make you happy and i thought if i could. . . then i should. because maybe eventually you’d be happier without me, with someone who knows how to treat you. “ he says softly, his voice quiet and opens his eyes again. “ it might not make sense to you, but it made sense to me at the time. i was too scared to be open about it, about you and after my parents kept talking about a girlfriend. getting married about kids. and i realised that none of that mattered to me if i didn’t have you to do it with. and walking out on you was the hardest thing i’ve ever done, and that’s even coming out to my parents because they hate it. but i don’t care. it’s you. it’s always going to be you. you come before anything else and it was stupid to take out my insecurities on you and hurt you the way i did. and i wouldn’t forgive me for it either. “ he breathed. his words coming all out at once and he breathes in a bit to catch his breath and then nods his head. “ you want me here ? “ he asked. he doesn’t know what else he needs to say but it comes pouring out anyway. “ no. don’t YOU say that because it’s not true. not for me. maybe for you. “ he tears up at the thought of it. he couldn’t imagine a life without joon in it, and had never been able to imagine it not even when he walked out. “ i know you’re avoiding what i’m telling you. “ it hurt. but he understood. “ i get it. “ he whispers and he feels so exhausted all of a sudden because these intense emotions are things that he locks away yet he’s piss drunk and he can’t stop them from coming out. he was welcome here anytime. he smiled at that but the smile didn’t stay. “ i don’t want to leave. “ he says without thinking first. “ i don’t want to leave you again. i thought i couldn’t breathe when i left you the first time, and then the other day... was a whole different kind of feeling and it was bad but i can’t do that again joon, even if you don’t want me, please don’t make me leave. “ he breathes out softly, his voice full of genuine emotion. .

it should be naturally unfair how comfortable they are, and moonie’s lips are just barely hovering, almost touching at this point and he knows joon should be trying to get him out of here, get him to leav yet he doesn’t and hope bubbles in the younger boy’s chest. moonie’s lips touch that same spot again, where he always would, kiss him, leave marks things that belonged to him. he doesn’t even think about leaving, not really. leaving isn’t something he intends to do, he wants to stay. here. in the bed with joon wrapped up in him like they used to be. but there’s something gnawing at him and he closes his eyes. because he’s unsure of what it is, but it continues to eat and eat and eat at him. “ promise ? “ he asks in refrence to his statement about tomorrow. he says nothing as joon tries to say that he in fact did have something to do with it and moonie only sighs because he knows there’s no arguing with him about it and that’s the last thing he wants anyway. he doesn’t want to be angry and argue or be hurt anymore. he just wants it to be right. “ it’s okay. i can walk it’s a twenty minute.. twenty minutes walk and i’ll be there. n you can have your bed. “ he breathes softly he licks his lips and he’s not sure if the sweetness that he gets a taste of is joon or not but he can’t stand the fact that he probably doesn’t want him to do it anymore. he’s mumbling to himself as he moves to get his shoes. moonie’s still trying to pull his shoes on over his feet, tears full force rolling down his cheeks and he can’t see straight and that has nothing to do with the alcohol. “ no that’s. . that’s not it. it’s not the bed joonie, it’s your bed i just.. . i can’t hear you use past tense sentences any more. “ he says as he practically feels joon following him, the sobs are silent a few slip out but they’re coming more and more now because the first one’s out and now he won’t be able to stop and he’s still hitting at his chest because it’s hurting in ways that it only hurt when he’d walked out. “ i don’t want the bed if you’re not in it with me. “ he says shaking his head and he grumbled his heart aches, because he thinks that this is truely over. it’s all done. joon doesn’t love him. he sobs out again, only to freeze all motions when joon wraps his arm around his waist and clutches onto his fist that’s hitting his chest the shoe drops to the floor with a thud because he’s lost all concentration. the plead that joon lets out has moonie’s hands freezing, his heart clenches , he wants to relax back into him but in reality he knows he needs to go. knows he should have come when he was sober. joon might have believed him then. his voice vibrates and tickles moonie’s neck, the drunken boy closing his eyes over and letting out a deep breath that he’s been holding. “ you didn’t do anything joon. . . “ he breathes biting into his lower lip. just all past tense statements. but moonie deserves that at least doesn’t he ? “ but you don’t want me here. you don’t. . need me here. you should get to move on, i should stop ruining that and fucking it up like i have with everything else, you deserve to be happy“ he whispers. he’s aware that joon doesn’t want him there and is only feeling sorry for him and yet he can’t bring it in him to care. not really.all he wants is for joon to be comfortable and he lets his head drop against joon’s. he stays like that for a few moments, he’s slowly yet surely sobering up and his head is beginning to pound, dramatically changing all course of action. the one thing he applauds himself on is the gum he’s had on the way here, the way up the stairs and the last piece he’d shoved into his mouth before coming through the door after by being greeted by sj. he takes a deep breath. “ don’t push me away. . . . please. “ he breathes and he tilts joon’s chin, and he kisses him. it might be the only bold move he gets to make. he doesn’t pull away like the first time for at least a minute and when he does he keeps his face as close to joon’s as possible. “ i love you. i know you don’t believe me and it’s in the past for you. but i do. “ he says quietly. “ and this isn’t the alcohol talking. i promise. “ he whispers out. his cheeks are still flushed but it’s more from how close they are than anything else. “ i miss you so much. just let me make it right ? “ countering joon’s pleading he does the same. yet moonie sounds pathetic when he does it, eyes puffy and red as he stares at him “ let me. . . try and make you fall in love with me all over again. i can try. i want to try, joon. please. “ his forehead presses against joon’s and his eyes close.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s #cries forever while listening #to their playlist #nvjdfknjfdknfd DEATH

itshighjccn‌:

joon can’t even begin to process everything that moonie keeps giving him tonight. each time he opens his mouth, he’s giving him enough information to keep joon busy over-thinking things for the next month and, by now, he’s overwhelmed. so, instead, he settles on addressing what he does know. “ you’re not the worst, moonie. far from it. ” no matter what, moonie was still his favorite person. he had a heart of gold, one kind and bright enough to worry over him when he should’ve been the last person on his mind, and the personality to match. he was charming and talented and brilliant and absolutely everything that anyone could ask for. he’d been an idiot to let him slip away but he refused to let moonie take the blame for it now. “ and leaving me could’ve actually been the best thing you’ve ever done. ” at least, this way, moonie would have the chance to find someone who deserved him. “ right. well, on the off chance that it isn’t just your chest giving you the hiccups, I could get you some water. but you’ll have to let go of me first. ” he offers before simply rolling his eyes at moonie’s drunken murmurings. “ a bottle and a half? well, that explains why you’re saying all this, then. I don’t think I ever saw you have more than half a bottle with me. ”

he’d braced himself the moment that he’d heard moonie say that he’d made a mistake, had tried to prepare himself for what would come next. however, nothing could’ve prepared him for the genuine regret in moonie’s voice or the fact that he’d managed to somehow convince himself that he didn’t love him anymore. “ leaving me wasn’t a mistake if it’s what you wanted or what you needed to be happy. ” convincing himself that moonie was happy without him was the only thing that had kept him somewhat sane throughout their breakup, even if it was also the thing that broke his heart the most. he wanted moonie to be happy, even if he needed to break his own heart to make it happen. “ and I - I shouldn’t have said that at the store the other day. if this is where you want to be, you’re welcome here. ” he can feel moonie shiver underneath his touch then and a small smile, one that he hadn’t even intended, comes to his lips. “ I’m not. or, at least, I won’t be for long. ” soon, if they hadn’t already, someone would take his place in moonie’s life; someone else would smell like home to him, someone else would be his first stop when he’d had too much to drink, someone else would make him happy. the thought made him cling onto moonie a little tighter, despite the fact he’d been trying to push him away only moments before. “ you don’t need to keep apologizing to me. we broke up, so you don’t owe me anything. and it’s not like it’s uncommon for exes to lose touch. I sort of expected it. ” he notices moonie turn away but he doesn’t think anything of it until he hears how thick moonie’s voice is the next time he speaks. he turns his gaze down to him then, worry written all over his features. “ I’m surprised you could even find your way here when you’re like this. ” he notes, something warm settling in his chest with the knowledge that moonie still knew his way to his place after all this time. “ I know you are. ” he soothes him, accepting his apology for the time being in hopes that he can get him to relax. “ yeah, we’ll see about that. I’ve dealt with your hangovers before and I’m not sure they’re exactly what I would call sober. ” he points out, half-playfully, before turning serious all over again as he finds himself face to face with moonie again, unshed tears glistening in the other boy’s eyes in a way that has joon’s chest constricting without his approval. “ if you want me. ” he answers simply, not breaking eye contact and assuring himself that he could play it off as something platonic later if need be when he worries that he’s said too much. “ do I? ” he answers him with a question, not allowing himself to cling to hope just yet, and is thankful when moonie drops his cheek back against his chest so that he hopefully misses the expression that comes onto his features at his confession. he stays silent this time, instead of correcting him, and it’s not much but it’s progress.

once they’re in his bed, his arm underneath him and moonie’s arm wrapped around his waist, he can’t help but wonder why it felt as natural as it does. he thought that maybe cuddling up to moonie after everything should’ve felt a lot more uncomfortable than it did; there should’ve been hesitation from both of them, uncertainty in what it meant and what they wanted; he should’ve wanted to put more distance between them, should’ve been finding never ending excuses to get moonie out of his bed and back to his own apartment. and, when none of that happened, and he found himself coming up with excuses to keep moonie in his bed instead, he thought that maybe that said something in itself. for the first time since moonie had ended everything, he wondered if it was actually possible to fix this. the sound of moonie’s yawn, nearly directly beside his ear due to the lack of space between them, brings him back to reality enough to stop that train of thought and he runs his fingers gently down his back instead, welcoming the distraction. “ don’t say that. the only reason you might get one nights sleep here, with me, is because you’ve had a little too much to drink and I’m worried about leaving you alone. you’ll have to go back to your own bed after this. ” for some reason, the reminder of how temporary this entire thing is makes him anxious, as if he can’t imagine letting moonie go now that he’s toyed with the hope of getting to keep him again. he ignores that instinct, and the way his heart skips a beat as moonie begs him not to leave, and takes a deep breath instead. everything will go back to normal tomorrow. “ I’m not going anywhere. ” he promises, before realizing his mistake. “ except maybe the couch, so that you can get some sleep without me. but I won’t be far. ” he corrects, his hand halting against moonie’s back as he feels the other boy’s lips press against his skin again - twice. his eyelids flutter closed before he can stop them, thankful that moonie’s pressed close enough to hopefully not be able to see, and he just barely suppresses another noise. “ I’m not the person you should want to do that with. not - I mean - not anymore, at least. ” he explains, and he isn’t sure whether it’s because of how much it hurts to admit that aloud or because of the fact that his skin still tingles where moonie had been but his voice is barely above a whisper. ‘as mine’, the words echo in his mind as he tries to figure out whether or not he means them. “ but you had that already. ” he still has that, still has his heart completely in his hands, and he contemplates telling him exactly that, almost positive that he was too sleepy to remember any of this in the morning, but he decides against it. he’d already admitted too much. “ mm? ” he hums at the sound of his name, not realizing just how sleepy he’d allowed himself to become since they’d moved to the bed. moonie’s next request wakes him up completely, though. “ you didn’t - moonie, you didn’t fuck everything up. I’ve told you that already. we fucked it all up. together. and I - I want you to stay but - ” he shakes his head softly, trying to force himself to find the strength to say what he thinks he has to. “ but you really shouldn’t. I mean - you can stay here. I’ll just - I can go to the couch, so that you can have the bed, and you can go back to your place in the morning once you’ve slept it off. ”

moonie knows he’s being far too much right now, even through his drunken state he knows how hard this must be for joon. and he wants to release him so that he can be happy, even if it’s without him. he sighs as joon’s comforting him and he shakes his head, nose brushing against the collar of joon’s shirt. “ i am the worst. totally the worst. look what i’ve done. “ he breathes out and he’s still gripping on as if his life depends on it and he shakes his head furiously, making himself lightheaded and dizzy. “ no. it wasn’t the best thing that i ever did. . . i didn’t. want too. i was confused. hurt because i thought you were flirting with someone else i was being an idiot, i’m sorry. “ he says it bluntly and too the point because despite being drunk he means it wholeheartedly. “ it is just my chest, i don’t want water joon just you. “ he says and he buried his nose into his neck, the smell again being extremely comforting for him. it’s home. it’s always going to be his home. he sighs into his skin and nods. “ sorry. “ he breathes again, he knows joon’s never seen him in this state before but moonie’s still coherent and able to understand what he’s saying, he just needs the other to realise that. and he hopes he does. “ i drank more than i should have. “

moonie stays quiet as he listens to joon’s heart beating away in his chest, it’s captivating and he can’t seem to to think about anything else but joon’s statement makes him frown and hs hugs him as if this is the last ever time he might get to. and maybe it is but he doesn’t ant to think of that. “ no. . joon. . seojoonie. “ he breathes out. “ it really wasn’t. what can i do to make you believe that it wasn’t really something i wanted. i know i hurt you. . . i know i broke your heart and i’m really, really sorry. i- it’s not what i want. i promise it’s not. “ he breathes out and he bites his lower lip. “ i wasn’t happy without you. i’m miserable without you. it’s. . pathetic right ? “ he sniffles, wrinkling his nose. he sighs and he nods slowly. “ but i won’t be here if you don’t want me to be. this. . is your space and if you don’t love me anymore that’s okay, i don’t deserve it anyway. “ he mumbled out and he stays pressed against him, biting into his lower lip and he figures that’s what this is, even though he’s here, in joon’s arms, he feels like there’s that distance between them which is all his fault. i’m not. at least i won’t be for long. that. . . stung, hurt him even, his heart clenched and he closed his eyes tightly trying in vain to keep those tears from springing back his eyes because this felt like more proof that joon wasn’t in love with him anyore and would be quite content with moonie just being his friend not taking in the way he’s being hugged tighter as the conversation progresses. “ nobody’s ever been home like you. “ he says out loud, his eyes are open now and he’s staring blankly at the wall across from them. “ nobody ever will be. but i hope someone will be for you and that they make you happy. “ even if it wasn’t him. he kept repeating that in his head like a mantra. his voice is quiet, softer than before and he doesn’t say anything else for a few minutes. he did owe joon everything, joon was the one person in his life that he did owe it all too. even if the other didn’t know it. his breathing feels a little more shallow than it usually would and he keeps his face away, even though he feels joon’s gaze on him. “ my home is here. i’d always know the way. “ he says quietly. no matter what happens after tonight he needed joon to know that he, was moonie’s only home and he always would be. he’s staring at joon like he is the only person in the world that he could ever stare at, and to moonie it’s true. he is. the tears are worse at this point literally threatning to pour over without his permission. because he’s still convincing himself that this one sided. joon doesn’t love him. and that’s okay. it’s okay. he blinked and he looked away from him. he’s finally accepting moonie’s apology and it’s not a bitter acceptance like in the store. or at least he doesn’t think it is anyway. “ you do. “ he says and he goes quiet because joon has gone quiet, and it doesn’t matter how many times he says it, he knows he’s not going to hear it back. and that’s okay too. isn’t it ?

up against him is the only way he wants things and he keeps his eyes closed. it’s so natural, and moonie feels so at peace and at home. he cuddles against him, eyes closed and he can feel how natural it just feels to be here and he smiles to himself because this is what he wants. i’m worried to leave you alone. he licks his lips and he takes a deep breath. he doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to ever leave this bed again an he feels the other’s fingers trail up and down his back and he closes his eyes over. he smiles when he feels that slight perk against joon’s chest he thinks he still might have that affect on him when he kisses his skin. he does it one last time, this time pressing his lips just under joon’s ear, more or less at his jawline. though joon’s words bring him back to reality, back to the sickening reality that he in fact couldn’t stay here. not anymore. he was just worried about him. worried because he’d drank too much. he’s pulled a little bit back from him, but not much just so his lips no longer touch his skin and he feels his lower lip tremble and he’s not sure if it’s hurt, the alcohol, or the fact that he’s never going to have this again after tonight and he can’t take it. he hates it. hates how he’s ruined it all. “ i- i know..” he breathes quietly. and he stares at joon’s neck, too afraid to look up at him. because the sobering reality is hitting him and he wants nothing more than to just curl up into a ball and let joon comfort him, pretend that this was all normal. that they were fine. but they couldn’t do that. not really. when he hears joon talk he does give a little glance up at him, seeing how sleepy he looked and he stares at him, like he’s lighting the sun. not anymore at least. he doesn’t know how to respond to that because he knows no matter how much he tells joon how much he cares, how much he loves him and how much he’s sorry it’s not going to be enough. all these past tense sentences make moonie’s heart tighten with regret and hurt. and he can’t make words come out and for a few minute’s he lays still. “ i did. i know i did. you didn’t do anything wrong. . i blew it all out of propotion and i hurt you. “ he says he almost feels himself smile until the sentence is finished. i want you to stay BUT, that dreaded but and moonie’s chest tightened again. when joon talked about the couch again, he shook his head and he leans up this is last time he’d ever do it, he kisses him lightly his own lips touching joon's and he pushed himself back, giving joon space he needs and shakes his head. “ . no. “ moonie despite his efforts and wants to just cling to him, he then pushes himself up into the sitting position. “ it’s okay. “ he breathes out, the alcohol consuming his mind as he sat up, feeling dizzy and like he might be sick. “ i can go. i know the way to my apartment. ‘get to bed. i bothered you again ‘m sorry. “ he says and he rubs at his eyes, tears keep threatning to fall over because the ache in his chest that he’s felt for months just won’t go away even with how close they were to each other. and it’s worse. it’s so much worse now. “ i cann’t make you sleep on the couch joon it’s y’r bed . “ he mumbles quietly and begins sliding himself to the edge of the bed. a few tears falling now that he’s not cuddled up against him and he’s facing away from him, joon can’t see. but the same statement just repeates in his mind. he doesn’t love you and it’s your own fault. “ i’ll get my shoes. “ he’s left them at the door and he feels his feet move and shuffle as he stumbles towards the bedroom door so he can get out. so joon doesn’t need to deal with him and so he can take a breath he knows he’s holding through part of him is screaming not to, as his hand turns the handle to pull it open and he pulls at it, sliding a little when it opens. this feels like too much, it is too much. far too much for him to cope with when the emotion bubbling up and his cheeks turn red and flush hot because he’s feeling that humiliation again that he can’t get rid of but it’s different this time, he’s not humiliated because of joon’s words, he’s humilated by the fact that if he has to hear him use a past tense again he’ll start sobbing and he doesn’t want joon to see that but he’s on the verge of it as he opens the bedroom door, a sob leaving him without him realsing it and he’s out of it as he makes his way to where his shoes sit he kneels down to get them and fails to pull them onto his feet as his eyes and cheeks burn with tears his chest hurts and he can’t make it stop even as he tries to hit it with his hand to get himself to shut up.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s #this wasn't supposed to be so angsty #nfdkjlfnjd it just happened #i'm sorry #i'm cryING #this got far too long #pls don't match fmkfndkjfdjfe

itshighjccn

all I wanted, and all I needed…

[ FULL PLAYLIST ]

@moonieisms

Keep reading

#joon tag tbh #idk where the joon tag is rn but i'll find it #playlist;joon #i'm sobbing #WAILS LOUDLY

itshighjccn‌:

you’re here. he says the words as if they’re so obvious, as if joon is the one currently not making any sense for not understanding them sooner, and he isn’t what to feel about that. he knows that his heart does a little leap in his chest, however, but he chooses to ignore that. “ that’s a reason for you not to be here, if anything. ” he points out, a sigh passing his lips when moonie only doubles down on his conviction a second later. “ the guts to say what? ” he asks curiously, although the sound of moonie whining his name had already sealed his fate; there was no way he was turning him away now. “ your hiccups are very reassuring of just how sober you are. ” he murmurs sarcastically, more to himself, before letting out a soft hum to let moonie know that he was listening. he didn’t know how much of what he was saying was true, didn’t know which parts were genuine or exaggerated due to the alcohol in his system, but he could tell that he at least meant what he was saying now. “ I don’t know how you plan to prove any of that but .. I’ll give you a chance, at least. ” he decides, figuring that he has nothing to lose. other than the last remaining shreds of dignity he had, of course, but he’d give all of those up for the chance to see moonie for even a second anyway. “ god, how much did you have? ” he muses, when moonie begins assuring him that he needed him and that he was all he wanted. he knew, despite how much he wished that he didn’t, that sober moonie felt very differently.

“ very good. ” ending his praise with a familiar petname is almost too tempting, almost seems too plausible in the current moment, and he’d just barely been able to make himself swallow the ‘baby’ that had threatened to punctuate his sentence. a part of him wishes that he hadn’t. “ I’m impressed. but I still don’t think that means that you’re at your most knowledgeable at the moment. ” he shrugs, careful to not jostle moonie’s current position with his movements. and it’s only afterward, when he recognizes just how slowly he’d moved, that he realizes just how scared he is for this moment to end. even if it was only a casual embrace to the other boy, nothing more than a safe refuge from his drinking, it was so much more to him and he felt like one wrong move could scare moonie off all over again and leave him alone once more. “ you keep saying that you were sad. but you haven’t said why. can you tell me? ” fingers subconsciously tracing shapeless patterns against the fabric of moonie’s shirt where he holds him, he chooses to ignore moonie’s reassurance that he’d intended to visit him before the drinking; the thought of that seems like too much at the moment and he isn’t sure whether or not he can trust moonie’s drunk ramblings just yet, so he focuses on the sadness that had gotten them here instead. “ I do? ” the words come out breathless and uncertain, moonie referring to any part of him as home causing his brain to short-circuit. instead of actual thoughts, moonie saying like home plays on repeat instead. “ thanks. you smell nice too. ” it’s as close as he can bring himself to get to calling moonie home again as well, but he does allow himself to lean forward until his nose is just barely buried into the top of moonie’s hair. “ apart from all of the alcohol on you right now, of course. ” he teases, as he forces himself to pull away once more, and it isn’t until he feels his lips quirk up with the threat of a grin that he realizes just how long it’s been since he’d allowed himself to relax enough to actually tease moonie. the thought makes him both inexplicably happy and uncontrollably anxious and he isn’t quite sure what to do about either of those feelings. he settles on trying to pull back into himself again but it isn’t quite as successful as it had once been. “ I didn’t say that I didn’t miss you. ” he defends instinctively, brows drawn together as he suppresses a shiver at the feeling of moonie’s lips moving against his neck as he smiles. “ I just - it hasn’t been long, is all. and I just didn’t expect you to want to visit me so soon, I guess. ” he frowns then, when moonie seems to read his thoughts. “ it’s okay. you don’t have to call me or anything like that. I just thought, if you wanted to try to have a friendship of some sort or something, it might be nice. ” he tries to make the entire thing sound casual, as if his entire heart isn’t on the line with moonie’s decision to stay in contact with him or not, but it isn’t quite as convincing as he would’ve liked. “ but I’m sorry if SJ bothered you texting you like that. he’s .. an idiot. I’ll talk to him. ” he adds, already mentally preparing the speech that his best friend would receive later. “ no, don’t be. forget it. I shouldn’t have brought that up right now, I’m sorry. ” at the sight of tears welling up in moonie’s eyes, he realizes his mistake and quickly tries to backpedal. “ okay, okay. ” and then, before he even realized what he was doing, one of his hands had left moonie’s side to settle into his hair instead, gently combing his fingers through the strands as he tried to soothe him from the unexpected outburst. “ maybe you do. but I need you to tell me when you’re sober first before we talk about it, alright? ” it was a temporary solution, one that he knew he would find a way to explain his way around after if the time did come, but he just wanted to comfort moonie right now. “ I’m here already. you already have me. ” you always have, he wants to say.

“ what? what do you - ” before he can protest any further, he finds himself being pushed back towards his own bed, the shock of the action making him much more pliable. “ moonie, c’mon, you really should - ” his plea falls on deaf ears once more as his words get caught off with a soft huff of air as he finds himself falling back onto his bed instead. arm stretched out beside him after his fall, he doesn’t interfere when it ends up looped around moonie’s shoulders as the other boy falls onto the bed beside him. instead, he gently and subtly curls it further around him as he pulls him closer to his side. “ y’know, when I said that you needed to get some sleep, this wasn’t exactly what I meant. ” he’s contemplating how to explain the concept of shared beds to moonie, debating with himself on how and why he’s going to get moonie off of him to relocate to the couch, whenever he feels moonie’s lips brush softly against the side of his neck; all of his thoughts come to a halt. he wonders if he’d imagined it, if he’d misinterpreted the feeling of moonie simply brushing up against his skin, but there’s the distinct outline of goosebumps on his neck that reasons otherwise. “ moonie.. ” his voice comes out much closer to a whine that he’d intended, his hold on him tightening slightly. “ you shouldn’t - you shouldn’t do that. ” although the words had been intended to scold him, even he can hear how desperate they sound. his words plea for him to not torture him any further, to not give him everything he’d wanted so cruelly when he only intended to rip it all away from him come morning, and yet he feels that familiar and foolish hope bubble back to life in his chest regardless. and he hates it, hates how gullible he is, but the simple action is enough to sate his cold demeanor for the moment. “ you don’t have to let me go, though. I already told you I’ll be a part of your life again if you want that. ” as friends, his mind bitterly adds as he ignores moonie’s second drunk love declaration of the night.

joon was his home. it should have been obvious as to why moonie was here. he hums softly. “ that’s the opposite of what i mean. “ he huffs out his breath and closes his eyes over as he hugs onto him. clinging for life. “ the guts to say everything. how much i love you. i miss you. that leaving you was the worst decision of my life. everything i’ve ever done there’s always something i doing like that i do. . but i HATED leaving you. hurting you. i’m the worst. “ he breathes out. it’s the most sober he’s sounded since he’s appeared in joon’s apartment. he swallows and he shrugs his shoulders. “ my chest hurts it’s why i keep doing the hiccups. “ he breathes drunkenly and he shakes his head. “ i’m sober enough . “ he says and he lets his fingers gently trace patterns into his back and he yawns again. moonie then snorts but his smile is clear on his face. “ i’m good at proving stuff joonie. “ he says and he turns his head so it’s facing the side and he listens sofftly to the beat of joon’s heart. “ i plan on proving it. “ he tol him and he kept his head facing a certain angle so he could listen to joon’s heart and he smiled softly. it felt like it had been so long since he’d done that. he hummed back in response. “ i just miss you so much. “ he says and then he shrugged. “ a bottle and a half. “ he says rubbing his eyes with one hand.

“ mm. “ he hums softly and he cuddled closer as much as he could. refusing to let go and he sniffled hiding his face. joon was so comfortable, even standing against him and he just licked his lips finding them extremely drier than usual. he just wished he’d been sober, “ i’m sad because i made a mistake. “ he breathed. “ i should have come here not drunk, i shouln’t have hurt you or left you and i think about it all the time and then you said the other day in the grocery store that you loved me. and i realised i should let you be happy. that you deserve to be happy without me especially since you don’t love me anymore and now i’m invading your personal space and i can’t stop myself because this is where i want to be. “ he says everything without taking a breath and when he finishes he does take a breath and he’s now terrifed that joon will push him away but when he doesn’t, he holds on that bit more. he shivers when he finally and actually takes notice of joon drawing shapes into his back and he closed his eyes again and he nods his head and he breathes joon in. “ yeah you smell like home. you are home. “ he says loudly enough for joon to hear him, drunk or not. he wrinkles his nose and then he laughs unable to help himself, the teasing seemed to come naturally but then again he was drunk maybe it just sounded that way.he just keeps as close as he can even when he feels joon pulling away from him and he whines when he does pulling him back against him as close as he can without suffocating him. the tears are still in his eyes, because he knows it’s him. knows it’s his own fault for the way joon has become slightly more hostile than before. “ i’m sorry i haven’t. “ he whispered. “ i should have. “ he knows joon’s avoiding some of the things he’s saying and it makes the tears in his eyes worse but he closes them over instead. one tear however manages to drop before he can stop it so he turns his face away in another direction, so that joon can’t see it. “ he didn’t bother me. i was downstairs. “ he tells him his voice thick. “ i’m sorry. “ he breathes softly. “ i really am sorry. “ he breathes. he lets out a soft breath when he feels joon’s hand in his hair and he slumps slightly against him feeling tired. he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to do so he just holds him instead. “ i will. i tell you in the morning. “ he promises. “ i’ll be plenty sober than joonie. “ he breathes out and then he looks up at him, eyes still wet from the previous tears that had glistened there instead. “ do i have you ? “ he asks him and he blinks tilting his head. “ you have me. always. “ he says. “ you never need to say it back but i love you. “ he looked away again and put his cheek back to joon’s chest.

joon’s stuttering was ignored and now they were laying on the bed, he felt the other boy’s arm move around his shoulders, and without any thought to it he wrapped himself around him like a koala would to a tree. his fingers gently gripped the back of joon’s shirt and he keeps his face buried on joon’s neck. this is something he’s missed more than he actually thought he did, which didn’t confuse him. he had missed joon so much he was unsure if he’d ever be able to get over not having him the way he had before he left. he only hums tiredly back in response and he pressed himself as close as he possibly could and he yawns. “ sleeping with you is the only sleep i want. “ he breathed. he knew really that joon and him shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed. . . . at least not right now. but he didn’t want him to go anywhere. “ please don’t leave. “ he whispers quietly into the other boy’s neck. when he heard the whine he grins and does it again. the reaction, through his drunken mind seems to be a good one. he kisses his skin again this time just a bit further up from the first one before he nestled back against him. “ but i want to do that. all the time. just with you. “ he says quietly a frown threatning to appear on his lips. he hums softly again and he almost drifts off when he speaks and he nods. “ i don’t want to let you go.. . and i want you in my life. not as friends. just. . as mine. “ he says and his voice becomes more and more sleepy the more he spoke. “ joonie ? “ he asked softly. “ can i stay with you ? just even. . if it’s tonight ? i know it might make you weird. but just lem’me pretend for a while that everything is okay and that I-i didnt fuck it all up...? please ? “

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s #convo;joon #cries forever and ever #my heart dfjklfdjkjfs

itshighjccn‌:

joon had spent the last few days in his bed with his heart broken yet again and yet moonie can still get him weak without even trying. even the sound of his voice, slurred and padded by the door between them, is enough to have joon ready and willing to give him anything he wants in the blink of an eye. and he hates it, hates how pathetic he feels over something that would’ve once made him so happy. and he knows that he should just send moonie away, knows that he should spare himself the inevitable pain that is sure to come from keeping him around, but he can’t bring himself to do it. because, despite everything, he’s still so in love with him that it hurts. and, no matter the cause of what had gotten him here, he wanted to see him. so, instead, he pressed himself closer to the door separating them and welcomed the torture of being so close to everything that he wanted while also knowing that he could never truly have it again. at least, for now, he could pretend.

“ it’s fine that you had a few drinks. I just - what are you doing here afterward? ” he closes his eyes at the sound of moonie’s whine reaching his ears, letting out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding as he forces himself to not immediately give in. “ doesn’t that say something though? that you can’t be honest with me unless you’re drunk first? ” his own voice is soft then and he can hear the defeat in his own words, although he hopes that moonie’s clouded mind won’t be sharp enough to pick up on it currently. “ because if you’re just going to tell me things that you won’t remember or mean in the morning, I don’t think now is the best time to talk. ” hearing moonie’s pleas to just give him a chance, he has to physically step back from the door to keep himself from giving him exactly what he’s asking for. he doesn’t mean it, he reminds himself, it’s just the alcohol talking; he repeats both of those sentiments like a mantra in his head and yet all of it comes crumbling down the moment moonie tosses his own words back at him. “ I did tell you that, didn’t I? fine. we can talk. but not for long, you need sleep, okay? ” his hand settles on the doorknob then, twisting it open before he can change his mind.

knowing just what a lightweight moonie was, and how easily he lost almost all of his usual coordination after only a few drinks, he should’ve expected him to fall forward the moment he’d opened the door. too caught up in his own thoughts, however, he hadn’t. and he couldn’t help but stumble back a little bit when moonie latched onto him. the rational part of his mind was quick to remind him that it was nothing more than him seeking the balance he’d clearly lost, while the hopeful side of him clung desperately to the details; moonie burying his face into the crook of his neck, so close that the hairs on the back of his neck stood up instinctively, didn’t help him with his balance, after all. “ you know that? please, you barely know your own name right now. ” he scoffed, unable to help himself from feeling a little hurt at moonie’s accusation. “ but I’m sure you did. I usually down a whole bottle of wine before I go to see the people I want to see as well. ” despite the implication that he didn’t quite believe moonie’s pleas, his arms had circled around moonie’s waist without his permission and he’d drug him closer to him without even realizing it. and, as he felt moonie’s finger dig into his back on accident, he felt the corner’s of his lips twitch with the threat of an endeared smile that he just barely suppressed. “ it’s only been a few days since you saw me last, I’m sure you haven’t missed me that much. ” not enough to call or try to see him again, at least. “ wait. before I decide I’m better off without you? did you drink so much that you forgot you’re the one who decided that? ” he turned his gaze down toward moonie, the flicker of anger in his tone fizzling out immediately at the sight of him. he sighed softly instead, his fingers gathering the fabric of moonie’s shirt between them as he made a weak effort of attempting to pull him off. it only ended in him holding him tighter, however, and he wasn’t sure that was an accident. “ I’m only pushing you away because you’re drunk, moonie. you’re going to regret all of this tomorrow as it is, I don’t want to make it worse. ” it stung to admit aloud but he felt the need to defend his actions, since moonie seemed convinced otherwise. “ stop. you don’t. like I said, you’re just drunk and you need to sleep it off. trust me. ”

moonie is silent for those few moments that he waits, he want to just remain here. but more so in there with joon. he breathes heavily as he waits and he closes his eyes as he leans against the door. he wants so badly for joon to answer him and let him in, let him make everything that he’s done wrong, right. and he knows deep down that he’s blown it. over selfish reasons. he feels about as pathetic as joon, and he just wants to make it all right, and pretending like he maybe can make it right he wants to. he so badly wants to. but being drunk isn’t the way to go about it. maybe coming now wasn’t his best idea he should have straight here instead of letting his emotions get the better of him and lead him to the alcoho to drown out the fight within himself and it makes him cringe at the thought. his lips still press to the door. “ please let me in joon. “ he says, his voice sounds pathetic almost a pitiful whimper, eyes still closed and whole body pressed to the door.

“ what. . . am i doing here ? you’re here. “ he breathed. he groaned at joon’s words and shook his head against the door. “ no it’s not that. “ he breathed, his voice sounding a bit stronger instead of slurred. “ i just don’t have the guts to say it all completely sober. i know what i’m talking about joon. “ he says and he closes his eyes. despite being drunk he picks up on it, his senses are always usually heightened when drunk. “ jooooonie. “ he whined again, stomping his feet. he was really acting like a ten year old but if it got joon to open the door he’d continue. “ i am. . . i will remember. i’m drunk but i’m not. . . drunk “ hiccups. “ drunk that i’ll not remember. “ he sighs heavily. “ i made the concious decision to come here. . sober i just got sad and drank more than i meant too. “ he still leans against it and he runs his hand through his hair. when his pleas get no answer moonie almost steps away from the door and fights on whether he should leave. “ i do mean it all. “ his voice is practically pleading. “ i DO mean what i’m saying. i know you don’t believe me but i’m gonna prove it. “ he promises. “ you did tell me we could talk. “ he nodded his forehead brushing against the door. “ no. . . no i don’t need to sleep. i need to be with you. i’ll sleep when i’m dead. “ he muttered and he licks his lip. he knew this wasn’t a good idea coming here drunk but he wanted to see him. drunk or not. he hums again and nestles closer. “ it’s you i want. “ joon could take that however he wanted but right now moonie meant it to everything. in every way.

he’s clinging onto him as if his life depends on it and he shakes his head. “ i do so know my own name it’s moonsoo. “ he huffs out his words with a slight pout on his lips, they’re puckered and he’s gripping the boy close refusing to let go. his face still hidden away in what he felt like was the safety of joon. he always felt safe around him, even their last horrendous meeting he still had, although he didn’t show it of course. he clung on like he’d never clung to anything before. he frowns at the accusation about the drinking. “ i-i was coming here anyway don’t blame it on the alcohol seojoon. i was coming to see you. . way before i started drinking. . i just “ he breahes out “ i got sad. “ a hint of annoyance to his tone. he sighed feeling like maybe he should pull back away from him but he doesn’t, he’s warm, and he smells like home. his face pressed a bit more into the other boys neck. “ you smell nice. like home. “ he hums without much thought to it and he feels his eyebrows crinkle. “ so ? are you trying to say you haven’t missed me ? if you haven’t then thats too bad because i’m here now. “ he asks him and he smiles into his neck when his feels his arms around his own waist. “ i wanted to call. . “ he frowns as if hearing joon’s thoughts. “ but i didn’t know. . if you wanted me too. you said to but sometimes people say things like that and they don’t mean it and then sj text me twenty minutes ago when i got to the doors downstairs it took me so long to walk up here. the elevator isn’t working. “ he sighs and he closes his eyes, snuggling in closer if it was even possible. “ no. i know what i did. “ he frowns again, tears threatning to fall due to his over emotional state he was in. “ i’m sorry. . “ he breathed. “ i didn’t want to i promise. i really did think you would be happier. “ he frowned and then he realised how happy he was while he was cuddled into him. “ joonie. “ he whined, slightly shaking himself in his arms. “ yes i do. stop telling me i don’t. i do. i do. i do. i do. “ he repeated and he held him tighter. “ i’m not needing to sleep it off joon. i just need you ! “ he cries his fingers gently digging into his back and he’s holding onto him as if his life depends on it and he can feel joon holding him back. “ lets lay down. “ he feels dizzy but he manages to walk forward pushing joon with him over to the bed and topples them over onto the bed. once they are moonie scoots as close to him without thinking and he kisses his neck. “ i’m never letting you go ever again. i love you so much. “ he mutters into his skin, keeping his eyes closed over.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s #convo:joon #am i sorry for moonie right now? no #will i ever be ? no #but ndskljjfndjf i cry from your replies

itshighjccn‌:

joon wasn’t sulking. he wasn’t. he was just laying in his bed with the covers brought all the way up to his chin. and, even if he only left that position long enough to go to work or fetch food, it wasn’t sulking. he was just relaxing and, despite his roommate’s attempts to convince him otherwise, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it had been days since he’d seen or heard from moonie. it was what he had expected, after all. moonie and him hadn’t talked since their breakup and there was no reason to expect that to change now that they’d had one reunion in a grocery store. even if moonie had told him that he loved him, it didn’t change anything. he’d probably just done exactly what joon had expected and realized that he hadn’t meant any of it in the first place. which was fine. he was fine and sj had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

pulling the blankets further up his body, he settled further into them with a sigh as he attempted to direct his attention to the video that had been playing mindlessly on his phone for the past twenty minutes. however, he’d just finally managed to get his thoughts to stop long enough to actually hear what the person on the screen was saying when sj’s voice cut through it all. he groaned. “ I told you I’m not feeling well, just tell them I’ll call them later! ” he called through the door, dismissing the visitor easily. he went back to the video playing beside him instead, as the sound of indistinct chatter picked up somewhere in the living room and he assumed that sj had given into his plea. the next voice to reach his ears, however, had him immediately sitting up in his bed and flicking his gaze to the door. “ moonie? ” he stood then, his phone long forgotten on his bed, and moved to the door. just as his hand settled on the doorknob to turn it and allow the other boy inside, moonie was speaking again and the new lack of distance between them gave him the chance to hear the slur in his words. he deflated at the sound, dropping his forehead against the wood of the door in front of him. “ you’ve been drinking. ” it wasn’t a question, more so an accusation, and he wasn’t sure why he was so disappointed that alcohol had been moonie’s inspiration for visiting. “ I don’t think now is the best time to talk. you should just go home and sober up instead. ”

he was about to turn and head back to his bed, suddenly more tired than he’d been before, when sj’s voice cut through all of it to let him know that moonie was in his care now. “ sungjae. ” he voice was half-warning, half-plea, but both fell on deaf ears as he heard the sound of sj’s room door slamming shut only moments later followed quickly by the sound of moonie’s whining on the other side of his own. he sucked in a deep breath before reluctantly opening the door. “ what are you doing here, moonie? ”

for the past few days, moonie had done nothing but mope around. he hadn't been at work. . . well he'd tried not to be the first few hours he had thrown himself back into instead of going home once he left the store. he had to fight every ounce of him not to call him. he doesn’t love you. he repeated that like a mantra, reminding himself that joon in fact didn’t love him and that he deserved to move on. how could he put him through more heartache like that when he’d done enough damage ? the boy sways slightly against the door as he rolls his head and watches sungjae walk off to his room, almost falling backward in fright when the door slammed.

he could hear joon shouting back but the words were muffled until they were closer to the door. “ yeahhhh. . . i drank. . a littl bit joonie. because i was really sad. i don’t know why i drank. . so much i shouldn’t have bu *hiccup* but i did. “ he mumbled his forehead pressing against the door and he closed his eyes over and he frowns letting out a louder whine than he intended to. “ it. . . it is the best time to talk joonbug “ he hummed, hiccuping half way through. “ it’s the. . . only time i’ll be- that i could be honest with you and my’slf “ he mumbled his lips practically up against the door and he rubs at his chest. “ don’t. . . send me away please. “ he breathes. his tone filled with panic. “ i need. . . we need to talk please ? “ he asks. when the door doesn’t open when he thinks it might, he frowned deeply and his eyes began to well up, tears brimming at the edges and threatning to fall over because this feels even through his drunken haze that it’s confirmation that joon didn’t want him. “ you told me to come talk. . i want to talk. “ he sighed deeply. his lips still pressing to the door and he closes his eyes over, the room spinning around him and he squeezes them shut. he knows this isn’t the best way to act yet here he is. a drunken mess.

hearing him talk moonie’s smile appeared back on his face and he leaned against the door, almost stumbling right in when joon finally opened it. but it didn’t stop him, it should have, the logical part of him screaming to stop and his whole body pressed against joon’s, arms wrapped tightly around his torso and his fingers gripped the back of the older boy’s shirt, his face burying into joon’s neck not giving the other boy a chance to push him away if he wanted too, and he was sure he’d fall over when joon did but right now he basked in it, his lips practically pressed against his skin. “ i know you. . “ hiccup. “ don’t love me anymore. “ another hiccup and he sighed out a breath. “ but i wanted to see you. “ his voice, still a little slurred, was full of complete honesty. “ i miss you so much, it hurts in here. “ although he pressed his finger into joon’s back, he meant his heart. “ i love you and i miss you. don’t push me away jus’. . . jus “ he hiccuped once more. “ let me hold you for a minutes okay ? just a minutes. . let me pretend it’s okay before you. . . push me away and realise. . . that you're better off without me. i’m sorry. “ his voice is thick, with tears and emotion that he can’t hold back “ i love you jooniebug. “

#convo;joon #cries into the abyss

moonie stumbled his way to the apartment, it’s been a few days. . . or has it ? since he’d seen joon in the store. and it took him until he got home and wept for while to realise what joon was actually doing. or for him to realise that he wanted to fix it all and just tell joon that was. . wasn’t enough. he hiccuped as he finally reached the door he had been going for and he knocked on it. “ joooooon. “ he sings outand when the door opens, the drunken dancer almost stumbled in, sj standing before him he was scowling and he turned tugging moonie’s hand into the apartment before he closed the door over and led moonie towards the bedroom door. sj called. “ seojoon get your ass out here you’ve got a visitor. “ he held moonie’s shoulders so he wouldn’t fall over. “ when i invited you, i didn’t mean for you to be fucking drunk, moonsoo. “ sj muttered. “ sorrree “ moonie frowns at him and he blinked. “ i was. . already a lil drunk when you texeded me. “ moonie was smiling, and he wasn’t sure at what.

he swayed on his feet and when he thought there was movement, moonie moved forward. “ joon. “ he whined again. eyes wide and his teeth showing due to the large smile on his face and he was held back but he moved to joon’s bedroom door and leaned against it. “ joonie “ he called knocking on the door, his voice was slurred due to being drunk. “ joonie i wanna talk please “ he breathed closing his eyes as he leaned against the door. “ can we talk please. “ his forehead pressed against the door he breathed heavily against it.

“ seojoon ! “ sj shouted, and he banged on the door. “ i’m going to bed, sort your shit out man, seriously. stop avoiding it “ and with that the other boy had turned and had already gone into his room. “ joonie. “ moonie hiccuped as he knocked on he door, a full pout on his face as he waited for joon to answer.

@itshighjccn

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

clrfoy-deactivated20191228

Even though Fiona had been settled into Freeridge for a year, she had little to show for it. She didn’t really go out of her way to make friends, and still felt somewhat out of place. After moving from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, it was an adjustment, but she didn’t mind it. Things were somewhat quieter here in Freeridge, and it was the ideal place to raise her two young children. Being a single mother with a full time job was a challenge, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Reluctantly, Fiona had agreed to go out on a date. She usually didn’t do dates because she wasn’t looking for anything that had the potential to become long term. However, just as she predicted, the date went horribly. People always found ways to disappoint her, which was why she rarely trusted anyone. Since her children were with their nanny for the remainder of the evening, Fiona decided she could go to the nearest bar and have a drink or two. Anything to get her mind off the disastrous date.

Fiona’s black stilettos clacked on the flooring as she approached the bar countertop. Placing her black Prada handbag down, she turned to the person nearest to her. “Is this seat taken?” The petite brunette asked, a charming smile evident on her scarlet-colored lips.

moonieisms-blog

moonie doesn't even know what he's doing here, he's been here for the last three hours. nursing drink after drink and he’s almost blitzed at this point. he leans his elbows on the bar, almost slipping off and but he sits up a bit to make sure he doesn’t. for now he’s not going to drink anything else.

“ nope. “ he sings softly shaking his head in response to the woman’s question. and he smiled back at her, her smile contagious.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

itshighjccn‌:

joon didn’t doubt moonie’s intentions. he couldn’t figure out what his personal motivation for talking to him was when he was convinced that moonie didn’t want anything to do with him but he was certain that whatever it was came from a good place. the other boy was too kind for anything else to be true. he would never intentionally come over and taunt him with his presence so cruelly, would never intentionally rub his face into everything that he’d loss. it was what made the fact that he had to push him so difficult. because, although he was doing it out of self-preservation and his stand offish behavior was perhaps warranted, he knew that moonie had to be just as confused as he was. it made him wish that he could just fix the entire thing, could somehow go back to when he’d been enough to make moonie stay, but he didn’t think that was possible anymore. he settled for protecting himself instead. “ I am now. ” the words sting even as they leave his lips and he wishes that he could take them back as soon as they’re out, wishes that he could preserve his place as someone special in moonie’s life, but he can’t and he doesn’t believe he deserves to. “ I’m just anyone to you now. so, what you would or wouldn’t have done isn’t important anymore, I guess. ” he watches moonie’s gaze flicker across his features and he expects the familiar warmth that such open admiration would’ve made him feel when they were together but, instead, his stomach flips uncomfortably and he turns his own gaze downward in an attempt to pull out of his sight line. he’s thankful that he did, when moonie begins adamantly assuring him that he’s in love with him and that he has been this entire time. its a sentiment that he didn’t think he’d have been able to handle face on. he can barely handle it as is, his hands curling into fists at his side with how hard he’s having to force his demeanor not to give everything away. “ you’re just confused. ” he’s grasping at straws now, can feel how desperate he is to make sense of the words moonie refuses to stop saying. “ we were together for a long time, so of course you’re going to think of me for awhile when you do things we used to or go places that we used to. it’ll fade with time and you’ll realize that you didn’t actually love me. ” he catches moonie’s flinch out of the corner of his eye and just barely resists the urge to flinch himself. he hated hurting him, hated having to be the one to remind him of the reality of their situation, but he didn’t have any choice. “ you don’t want to be with me and you don’t want to be friends. I’m not sure what other options we have, moonie. ” he sighs, exhausted and heartbroken enough that the following words of truth slip from between his lips before he can stop them. “ in a heartbeat. “ he can recall waiting by his phone for weeks after moonie left, almost expecting moonie to call and tell him that he hadn’t meant anything he’d said. if it weren’t for sj, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t still be waiting on that call that never came.

he could sense the sincerity in moonie’s words, the genuine emotion in his voice, and it made him want to just cave in and accept it all. he wanted to ignore the tiny voice of reason in the back of his mind constantly reminding him that none of it made any sense, that he would be foolish to let moonie back in so easily. he was tired of fighting, tired of keeping such thick walls up, and he wanted nothing more than to collapse all of them in favor of falling into moonie’s arms instead. he couldn’t though, and he knew that. he could, however, attempt to lessen the burden that was clearly weighing heavily on the other boy’s shoulders. it seemed like the least he’d earned for at least sticking around this long. “ you blame yourself too much. ” voice soft, he followed moonie’s gaze to the people who had turned their attention toward them. he just barely resisted the urge to put himself between moonie and their judgement, just barely kept himself from instinctively trying to protect him. he turned his attention back to moonie instead, hoping that he would be enough to at least distract him. “ a relationship takes two people. it didn’t work out and that’s not entirely your blame to take. ” if he’d known how to make moonie stay, if he hadn’t made all of the mistakes he’d made that had caused him to want to leave in the first place, they would still be together. it was a fact that hurt to admit. “ but thanks for the apology anyway. ” he forces himself not to dismiss it again, forces himself to accept it even if it feels undeserved because it’s clear now that moonie isn’t going to give up until he does. “ I’m sorry for the part I played as well. ” it feels a lot like the closure he’d been looking for since moonie decided to leave and yet, now that he has it, he wishes that he could leave things open-ended instead. because this feels a lot like an ending, a lot like a goodbye, and his throat feels tight with the sheer thought of that.

joon’s entire world crumbles the moment that he catches the light reflecting off of the shine in moonie’s eyes, giving away the hint of well disguised reluctant tears pooling in the corners of his gaze. he’d never been the reason for moonie’s tears before, had never seen the other boy cry because of something he had done, and the heavy guilt of that leaves him frozen to the spot despite how badly he wants to turn and run. he’s sure that his silence is only making everything worse, is certain that it appears as if he doesn’t care because he isn’t saying anything to make any other truth obvious, but he can’t make the lump in his throat disappear long enough for him to actually get anything out. it’s probably for the best, however, because he’s certain that he would say anything to wipe the expression from moonie’s features. he’d tell him everything, take all of the blame, admit every pathetic detail he’d been withholding; anything to make it stop. instead, he can do nothing but blink as he watches moonie turn his face away from him again and the obvious reality that he’s trying to hide from him stings more than anything. and he can’t even bring himself to focus on moonie’s answer to his question, can’t bring himself to focus on anything but the memory of moonie’s glassy gaze and the sight of him tugging his sleeves further over his hands. he knows that it’s all his fault, that he’s caused this, and for the first time he doesn’t blame moonie for leaving him. because even he wants himself out of moonie’s life at the moment, wants to turn and walk away if that would make the other boy happy. but then moonie’s telling him that he loves him instead, present-tense and genuine in every way that joon doesn’t deserve, and he feels like the smallest person on the planet. “ you shouldn’t. ” now more than ever, he’s certain of that much. the words sounded clipped and short and he was almost certain that moonie would assume them to be disinterested, although the reality was that he wasn’t sure he could manage anything more than the few words without telling him everything or crying himself. “ don’t be sorry. you didn’t do anything. ” and then moonie is picking up his things, gaze focused on anything other than him, and joon feels his heart shatter into pieces that he didn’t know he even had left. because it isn’t supposed to be this way, it isn’t supposed to be like this, and he doesn’t know what to do to make it stop. “ you didn’t bother me, moonie. not at all. ” he needs him to believe him, needs him to understand at least that much before he loses him all over again. “ just don’t go so long without saying anything to me next time, okay? if you see me, say something. I know you don’t want to be friends but .. we can start with acquaintances, maybe? ” he’s clinging to him now, prolonging the inevitable of him leaving and perhaps admitting too much in the process, but he can’t bring himself to care.

moonie really isn’t there to rub things in his face, he does want to fix things. and he knows why joon’s making it so difficult and he can’t blame him for pushing him out and away as far as he can. he’d done this. he’d hurt joon first. his chest feels like it’s being weighed down especially at the ‘ i am now. ‘ response that joon gives him and he stares at him nodding slowly. he wasn’t just anyone. he’d never be just a n y o n e to moonie. just anyone was someone passing them by in the store or in the street, there was far too many situations and memories for joon to be just anybody to him. but he didn’t say any of this out loud. the reality of joon finally maybe having actually moved on settling into moonie’s mind. the words however still hurt him despite that. and he can’t make this feeling disappear, can’t quite shake it. all moonie can do is stare over at him and he nods slowly, unsure if he’s even doing it. isn’t important anymore. that stings too, more than moonie would like but here he is. he’s officially hit pathetic because he’s still trying to get it through to joon that he loves him. his emotions boil over when joon tells him he’s confused. hurt written over his face, because he’s not the first person to tell him that. “ don’t. . say i’m confused. joon. i’m not. . i’m not confused. “ his voice shakes as he says it because he hates being told that, his father had said it so many times over the last month and moonie didn’t know if he could even bare to hear it again, especially not from joon even if it is in a different context because he knows joon doesn’t mean it like THAT but it still hurts him all the same. and he watches joon look away, and he really doesn’t know what to say to him anymore. he’s not sure if he’s taking anything in. he doesn’t have a comeback for any of that because he knows himself that none of it is true. it won’t fade, it hasn’t and it won’t. had it faded for joon ? had he realised that he didn’t actually love moonie anymore ? “ i’m trying to tell you i do want to be with you. that i do love you. “ he breathes out. “ and you’re not... listening to me. “ he sighs and despite feeling that joon’s being a little honest he can’t respond to it, because now he feels guilty. if he’d thought for a second that joon would have answered him, he would have called, in a heartbeat. he wanted too the moment he’d walked out the damn door.

moonie just wanted all this to stop, for it to go back to how it was. he needed it to stop, and it didn’t seem like it was going to. not now and not ever and it was frustrating that he couldn’t fix it. he wished things could be easily fixed. but he’d broken joon’s heart, how was that just so fixable. but deep down he’s beginning to believe that of course it’s not. joon’s not accepting any of his apologies, really, and despite how much it’s hurting him, he has to accept that. if joon didn’t want them, he didn’t need to take them. the words make moonie feel somewhat exhausted. “ because it’s my fault. “ he shrugs. he’s not even sure if he’s spoken them out loud. but he knows he needs to the blame for it, none of this was joon’s fault. the leaving, the hurt, all of it was his. because he couldn’t be open, was too afraid, and now he was he didn’t have the one person he wanted to share that with. he feels the stares and at this point he really can’t bring himself to care. the only person he cares about in this place is standing right in front of him and he doesn’t know what to do. he feels like this is lost to him and he wants to reign it in before it becomes too much for either of them to deal with. so he was uncertain of what he was supposed to say or do. an apology only seemed like the right thing when joon accepted it, and he didn’t expect him to, not now and not ever. he’d hurt him, moonie didn’t deserve to have joon take his apology. he opens his mouth to try and stop joon from apologising but joon accepted his. . . or made it seem like he had. he hadn’t brushed it off this time so moonie just gives a little nod instead. he doesn’t know what this is, but one thing feels certain is that this seems to much worse to him than actually leaving. because this feels final. a goodbye. not good per say but a bye nonetheless. one he doesn’t want. not again. because this one is final.

he’d cried in front of joon before, not over something like this though. it had never been sad tears. always happy or tears from laughter when he couldn’t control it anymore and they just cant naturally. the silence between the two of them is crushing him, because it makes everything that more painfully clear and moonie doesn’t want to accept it. the fact that joon doesn’t love him anymore. but he knows he needs too, knows he needs to give joon’s own heart that chance to heal and move on fro when he broke it. so the least he can do is let him move on. instead of standing here telling him he loves him, when it’s not the same. when he was the one to walk out on them, end them. though as much as he’s ready to leave his feet remained glued to the ground and he’s avoiding joon’s gaze and he’s avoiding everybody elses because he knows if he looks at someone he’s a goner, so he keeps them trained on his converse. because it’s the only thing that’s stopping him from just bursting out into tears. and he keeps reminding himself. this is all his own fault. it’s the deafening silence between the two of them that does really get him and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do, but leaving is his only option. he doesn’t need the stuff he’s picked up, can’t bare to be in the store anymore. ‘ you shouldn’t.’ finally makes him look back at him, even if it’s brief. just one little glance and he’s got to look away again, the clipped and disinterested tone makes moonie’s heart feels like it’s completely shattered and he doesn’t know much on how to fix that. he’s not interested anymore. moonie repeats it like a mantra in his head, hurting his own feelings as he does. and he still can’t look at him, not out of anything other than humiliation and embarrassment because if he knows anything, it’s his own fault. his chest aches and makes him feel like he’s sinking but he tries his best not to show it. it’s not even that he doesn’t want to be friends with him, at this point he just wants joon in his life but he understands how difficult that would be for the other boy. he stops just as he goes to turn, but doesn’t completely look joon in the eyes because he can’t, in fact he doesn’t properly look him in the face, he’s staring at the shelves in front of him and there are tears threatening to fall over and one does before he can blink it back. he doesn’t know if he can respond to joon’s words without them sounding pathetic. so he raises his shoulders in what was meant to be a shrug instead when joon responded to his apology. he knows he can’t keep apologising because he knows it’s obviously not something joon wants to hear. he doesn’t believe him, he knows he’s bothering him and he can’t anymore. so he’s not sure what to say, or how to speak because too scared they’ll show whatever emotion he’s feeling in them and joon doesn’t deserve that anymore, he deserves the happiness moonie couldn’t give him. and he isn’t sure if they can be aquantinces either so instead of completely agreeing because he knows he can’t. he opts with a quiet almost barely audible “ okay. “ nodding, and answer quick, because he isn’t sure he can answer him properly. the shaking of his voice is something he hopes isn’t noticeable. though he doesn’t know if he can do that, joon needs to move past it and if he doesn’t love him anymore then all he needs is time to keep going. so moonie can’t possibly just walk up to him like he’s done today. not again. so this feels much more like a goodbye than something he’s trying to fix. not realising that all joon is doing is clinging on. “ bye seojoon. “ his voice, without him even meaning it, cracks halfway through his goodbye and he turns away completely feeling defeated and like he’d just given up.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

bodytclks‌:

“Oooh what do you do?” even as she asked the question, she could hear her mom in her head, you ask too many questions Riley, so many questions. “I was on my way to see this band, they’re just playing odd locations and they’re nobody now but …. I’ve been told I just gotta check ‘em out.”

" i'm a dancer. " he says and he offered riley a smile as he ran a hand through his hair. he nodded his head at her response and he licks his lips. “ what band is it ? “ he asks curiously, he loved going to see bands. it was something he enjoyed more than other things.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

lore-delko-deactivated20191007

With almost 14 years of being a grifter professionally under her Gucci belt, Loreleya was able to make anyone think she was from practically anywhere. Like right now, she was seeming to listen to a gentleman who was clearly lonely and who had money to blow. As far as he knew, she was a French model in between shoots at the moment, looking for a drinking partner. He’d offered to buy her whatever she wanted, and she accepted only after he’d offered twice. She didn’t want to come off as if she’d been expecting he would pay for her drink, that would be suspicious. She followed the rule; order something expensive enough to enjoy yourself, but not so expensive where it discourages the mark from buying more than one drink. So, sipping her wine, she appeared to be sad when he stood to leave, which prompted him to give her 2 hundred dollar bills to cover her tab. Lore pocketed one of them, and turned to the person next to her, not wanting to go home just yet. “Next round’s on me love.”

moonieisms-blog

moonie's sitting quietly at the bar he people watches for a while but he’s more focused on getting drunk. to dull whatever emotion he was feeling because he did’t want to deal with it. so he nurses his drink, one he isn’t sure he should be having but at this point he can’t bring himself to care. he swigs it, and he leans against the bar a bit more, not quite drunk, but not exactly still sober and he turned blinking one eye at a time as the woman speaks to him and he nods. “ thanks. “ he hums and he looked back to his glass. “ you don’t need to though.

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

itshighjccn‌:

joon isn’t sure what he was expecting. there was very little the other boy could really do when he himself was being as stubborn as he was. and he knew that, knew that he was making everything much more complicated than it truly needed to be. however, knowing all of that didn’t lessen the sting of moonie’s lack of argument. because, although he’d been quick to argue that this did matter, a fact that joon had to ignore if he had any hopes of getting through this conversation with his dignity, he hadn’t had anything to say about what had been done between them. it felt a little bit like an admission, like a defeat to their past, and he hated how much it hurt. “ if you say so. ” he can feel the moment that moonie’s gaze slides away from him again and, although he’d expected to feel relief at being freed from all of the attention, he finds himself shifting uncomfortably instead. despite all of the time that has passed between them, and all that has changed, he still aches for the other boy’s attention in ways that he doesn’t even want to begin trying to explain. however, as soon as the thought occurred to him, moonie’s gaze is back on him - heated and intense in ways that he hadn’t been expecting. “ but I what? ” his own eyes flicker between each of moonie’s own after his question, searching his gaze for something as he hears the sentiment he’d only dreamed of ever hearing from moonie again. I fucking love you. his voice had sounded so confident, so sure of himself, and it’s enough to make joon’s defenses crumble momentarily as he finds himself speechless. it’s only when the words leave moonie’s lips again, somehow even steadier and more overwhelming than the first time, that he snaps out of his trance long enough to find his voice - and to break their eye contact. “ you don’t. ” he isn’t sure whether he’s trying to convince moonie or himself but he clings to the words desperately regardless. “ you don’t love me, moonie. maybe you’ve thought of me, maybe you’ve imagined talking to me again, maybe you’ve even missed me, but you don’t love me. ” you wouldn’t have left if you did, he wants to add. but he’s worried that it’s admitting too much, so he bites his tongue instead. “ and that’s why it doesn’t matter, why we shouldn’t even be talking about this. ” he’s trying to push him away again, trying to make the conversation stop to spare his own heart, but he can’t help it. it’s in his instincts. “ well then what are we going to be, moonie? ” the words just barely manage to not get caught in his throat, the obvious answer of ‘nothing’ making him feel sick already. the following admission of moonie missing him and the knowledge that he isn’t allowed to return the sentiment doesn’t help the uneasiness growing in his stomach, either. “ you have my number. you could’ve called if you missed me. ”

joon swallows the instinctive anger that flares up beneath his skin as he hears the bite in moonie’s tone, sucking a deep breath in through his nose and forcing himself to not immediately say the first thought that comes to his head. because this tension between them, this anger bouncing aggressively in the space between them, isn’t meant to be there. it feels wrong, even after everything, and he can’t stand the guilt that continues to plague him each time moonie is forced to look away from him. he lets the silence fill the void of his words instead, hoping it will serve as his own silent white flag for this fight, before letting out a sigh of his own when moonie apologizes yet again. “ you weren’t childish or stubborn. your feelings changed, so you told me and then we went our separate ways. that’s as mature as breakups can get. ” it’s an internal struggle to say the reassurance with as much neutrality as possible but he manages to sound at least somewhat removed from the situation. he counts that as a win. “ and, like I said, you have nothing to be sorry for. what’s done is done and I’m fine. you’re forgiven or whatever, so don’t beat yourself up over it. ” it’s not true, the fact that he’s fine or that he’s managed to entirely forgive moonie for what happened between them, but he hopes it’s at least convincing enough to put the lingering guilt in moonie’s expression to rest.

the irony of moonie looking comfortable with the soft sound of people around them now, when he no longer has the luxury of being able to lean over and kiss him breathless whenever he wants to, isn’t lost on him. it’s all he can think about, if he’s honest. each sound from someone around them brings up a past memory of moonie not-so-subtly flinching away from him when he’d accidentally get a little too clingy in public and he isn’t sure whether to feel proud of him for his growth or bitter that leaving him had been the catalyst to achieve it. a more self-conscious part of him wonders if he’d been holding him back the entire time without even knowing it. “ happy? ” he can’t help the way that the word comes out more scoff than question, too surprised by moonie’s conclusion to edit his tone. “ why would I be happy that my boyfriend didn’t want me anymore? I loved you, moonie. ” the past tense of the sentiment that is still very much alive in his heart currently tastes wrong on his tongue, feels foreign leaving his lips, but he thinks its the right thing to do. he doesn’t think he’s allowed to love moonie anymore. “ he was not. but you know what? it wouldn’t have mattered even if he had been! because I didn’t want anyone else. ” the words sound defeated even to his own ears, feeling pathetic for admitting such a thing to the face of someone who had already made it clear that the sentiment hadn’t been returned. “ moonie .. ” he sighs the other boy’s name, debating whether or not to point out the fact that he hadn’t found anyone after moonie - much less someone who could manage to somehow love him more than the other boy had. he didn’t even want to. “ did it ever occur to you that I would’ve left you myself if you didn’t make me happy? if I didn’t think you loved me? ” he points out a separate fact instead, keeping his current lack of dating life to himself. moonie’s doe eyes staring at him would’ve been enough to distract him entirely, if he hadn’t been so focused on the three words that had previously left moonie’s lips instead. “ this isn’t about you deserving me. this is about - because you can’t just - ” he stumbles over his own words for the first time since their conversation started, the first hint of just how flustered he truly was, before shaking his head to gather his thoughts. “ you can’t. ” he settles on finally, firm and confident. and he isn’t sure whether he’s talking about his belief moonie can’t really be in love with him or about the fact that moonie can’t just come up to him and admit that after everything. either way, it isn’t fair. he looks away, feeling more vulnerable than he’s felt all day. “ maybe I should go. ”

joon looked just as he always did and moonie couldn’t take his eyes off him. the stubbornness between the two of them could completely explode and just annoy everyone. but moonie wanted so badly to fix this. he really did. and he wanted to try so hard to do just that, he could do that couldn’t he ? he needed to drop this stupid argument, it wasn’t going to do any good going back and forth between the two of them, and he hated that it was. he didn’t say anything in retaliation to joon’s words just gave a small nod of his head. “ but you’re not just anyone. “ he breathed out. “ you’re not. and i wouldn’t have. . . “ he trails off again because his words are caught in the back of his throat and he frowns. he doesn’t know what much else to say because he knows joon’s not going to believe him and it stings. but who could he blame for that ? he swallows and keeps his eyes on joon’s face, trying to trace every tiny detail that he’d missed so much. once the i fucking love you is out there, there’s no taking it back and moonie wouldn’t even dream of doing so. he feels a little HOPE bubble in his chest as joon stares at him and once he’s said it again he almost lets himself hope more but it’s gone the moment joon talks. ‘you don’t.’ he truely believed that moonie didn’t love him. “ i do. “ he nodded. he began shaking his head, in a silent argument. “ i have thought about you. it’s difficult not to think about you when everything i do reminds me of you. “ because they’d done everything together, even when moonie was practising, joon had been there. “ i think about you all the time, i miss you all the time and i LOVE you all the time. it doesn’t stop. it never stops and it never stopped. “ he breathed out, feeling a little breathless. he stops when joon speaks again and he stares at him, unsure if he should continue. because he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. he visibly flinches because saying NOTHING in terms of what they’re going to be is burning his tongue. he can’t say it. “ i-- don’t know.. but not nothing . . . “ he breathed. he blinked and he looked down, hanging his head and feeling awfully guilty. “ i know. . . but would you have answered ? “ he asked looking back up at him, unabl to help looking like a kicked puppy. doe eyes wide and a bit glossy.

he can sense the anger is still there and he really can’t blame him but he wants to make it go away. that’s all he wants to do any more, is just make it go away. there’s this massive space, physically and emotionally between them and he just wanted to fix it. he really did hate this shit, they weren’t supposed be this way. it hurt to see it. and he knew he’d messed this all up all over dumb insecurities that he could have talked to joon about. “ “ i was. and i am. i’m doing it right now. “ he spoke softly, eyes still on his and he frowned wanting to just wrap him up and carry him out the store. he sighed slightly and glanced around at some of the people looking at them and he frowned but showed no motion that he was going to move at all. “ i’m sorry just. . . i am okay you don’t need to accept it. but the apology is there and you deserve that much at least. “ he said and he looked down for a moment biting the inside of his cheek. unsure of what else to say in that moment and he licked his lips and looked back towards joon again, suddenly feeling more exhausted than he ought to be. the way that joon brushed it off more or less hurt more than he thought it would. “ okay. “ he decided to drop it, even though he knew that joon wasn’t in fact fine, that much he could tell at least. and he hated it. hate that he’d done this.to someone like joon especially because he loved him so much. except the guilty look on his face stays right where it is.

he wanted to just pull the other boy into a hug and he felt like maybe he should. but he also knew that he couldn’t. it wasn’t fair to joon and he was clearly doing enough damage to hurt him even more and he didn’t want too. that was the last thing he wanted, joon deserved better. “ it. . . it wasn’t about not wanting you. i do. but i wanted you to be happy. i still do i just. . . thought that. . . . you’d be happy with someone who could show you how much they love you. “ that was all. it didn’t make sense to joon, and moonie knew that but it was the truth. of course it was the truth. however the next thing to leave the other boy’s mouth made him freeze and he stared at him. quietly, eyes soft all traces of anger and frustration gone. loved. loved. past tense. PAST. tense. his was still frozen to the spot, eyes wide and glossy, tears threatning to completely blur his vision because it was all he could think about, even while joon began to tell him that he didn’t want anyone else. this time he looked away, and he kept his gaze away, blinking back whatever emotion tried to bubble to the surface, especially the tears. don’t cry. don’t cry. he kept cursing internally at himself, making himself keep his gaze averted because he felt now that he’d confessed only to be told that joon of coursed loved him, but didn’t anymore and it consumed him. all thoughts of grocary shopping gone, because his chest began to ache and he pulled his sleeves over his hands, a anxious habit he only did when he wasn’t sure what else to do. joon’s voice was there, loud and clear but it almost felt as if it were vacant and distant and he shook his head gently, just to answer his . “ no. “ he whispered. when he stumbles over his words, moonie looks down because he knows he’s caused this, and he deserves the pain he’s feeling. the heartbreakingly aching in his chest. for all he knew that he’d been the one to do this, he’d messed up, he hadn’t expected it. the thought runs round and round in moonie’s head, confirming that he didn’t anymore. he didn’t love moonie anymore and that was. . . heartbreaking but it was fine. moonie could let him be happy if that’s what he was. happy without him now. anyway. his eyes stayed on the floor and he bites hard into his lower lip. “ i do love you joon. i do. even if you don’t believe me. “ he breathes out and it burns to say it because he feels slightly humiliated, the unrequited feelings humiliating and taunting him in his own head. he breathes out quietly, barely even audible. he does love joon and not in past tense, because it’s still, and it always will be, that’s never going to change. even if he has to keep it to himself and move on. he knows it’s heard though, even if his words were quiet when he spoke. “ i’m sorry. .“ he whispers again, his voice softer than it had been even when they had first started their conversation he deserves to shop in peace, and he won’t get that now, will he ? he shakes his head quickly, almost making himself dizzy, eyes trained on anything OTHER than joon. “ it’s okay, i’ll go. “ he needed too, because this was it. he wasn’t gonna be able to look at him again. he couldn’t, his heart ached, much more than it had when he’d even broken up with him because he’d known that joon loved him then, and now he couldn’t deal with the fact that he didn’t even though it was his own fault. “ i’m sorry for bothering you. “ he repeated, and shakily breathed out , grabbing the basket he’d only put a few things in, his free hand playing with his ear lobe due to his rise in anxiety.

#dmkslfnesd my gifs aren't worken #ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

rkivez

confirmed: jungkook owns my heart ❤️

#moonie

stvrbriight‌:

— ✴ shan nodded, “ yep, but i handled it. i think. i called nypd and everything, though, i’m not sure how much good it did. i’m probably going to change my number. i’m due for an upgrade anyways, ” she shrugged.

“ that’s rough. do you want to be friends still ? or get back together, or… ? ” shan asked. “ sometimes there’s not much you can do if the other person isn’t also willing to try. ”

" when are you due for an upgrade ? " he asked curiously. " i'm due for one. . we could go do that ? “ he was in need of doing something other than sulking and working there wasn’t usually an inbetween.

“ i want to fix it. i love him a lot and i got really insecure and now i don’t know what i’m doing. “ he admitted looking back up at shannon. “ i know. i don’t know if. . if he wants too. “

#ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ꜱᴘɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴏꜰꜰ ʜɪꜱ ʟɪᴘꜱ } c o n v o s

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

dreamer