joon can’t even begin to process everything that moonie keeps giving him tonight. each time he opens his mouth, he’s giving him enough information to keep joon busy over-thinking things for the next month and, by now, he’s overwhelmed. so, instead, he settles on addressing what he does know. “ you’re not the worst, moonie. far from it. ” no matter what, moonie was still his favorite person. he had a heart of gold, one kind and bright enough to worry over him when he should’ve been the last person on his mind, and the personality to match. he was charming and talented and brilliant and absolutely everything that anyone could ask for. he’d been an idiot to let him slip away but he refused to let moonie take the blame for it now. “ and leaving me could’ve actually been the best thing you’ve ever done. ” at least, this way, moonie would have the chance to find someone who deserved him. “ right. well, on the off chance that it isn’t just your chest giving you the hiccups, I could get you some water. but you’ll have to let go of me first. ” he offers before simply rolling his eyes at moonie’s drunken murmurings. “ a bottle and a half? well, that explains why you’re saying all this, then. I don’t think I ever saw you have more than half a bottle with me. ”
he’d braced himself the moment that he’d heard moonie say that he’d made a mistake, had tried to prepare himself for what would come next. however, nothing could’ve prepared him for the genuine regret in moonie’s voice or the fact that he’d managed to somehow convince himself that he didn’t love him anymore. “ leaving me wasn’t a mistake if it’s what you wanted or what you needed to be happy. ” convincing himself that moonie was happy without him was the only thing that had kept him somewhat sane throughout their breakup, even if it was also the thing that broke his heart the most. he wanted moonie to be happy, even if he needed to break his own heart to make it happen. “ and I - I shouldn’t have said that at the store the other day. if this is where you want to be, you’re welcome here. ” he can feel moonie shiver underneath his touch then and a small smile, one that he hadn’t even intended, comes to his lips. “ I’m not. or, at least, I won’t be for long. ” soon, if they hadn’t already, someone would take his place in moonie’s life; someone else would smell like home to him, someone else would be his first stop when he’d had too much to drink, someone else would make him happy. the thought made him cling onto moonie a little tighter, despite the fact he’d been trying to push him away only moments before. “ you don’t need to keep apologizing to me. we broke up, so you don’t owe me anything. and it’s not like it’s uncommon for exes to lose touch. I sort of expected it. ” he notices moonie turn away but he doesn’t think anything of it until he hears how thick moonie’s voice is the next time he speaks. he turns his gaze down to him then, worry written all over his features. “ I’m surprised you could even find your way here when you’re like this. ” he notes, something warm settling in his chest with the knowledge that moonie still knew his way to his place after all this time. “ I know you are. ” he soothes him, accepting his apology for the time being in hopes that he can get him to relax. “ yeah, we’ll see about that. I’ve dealt with your hangovers before and I’m not sure they’re exactly what I would call sober. ” he points out, half-playfully, before turning serious all over again as he finds himself face to face with moonie again, unshed tears glistening in the other boy’s eyes in a way that has joon’s chest constricting without his approval. “ if you want me. ” he answers simply, not breaking eye contact and assuring himself that he could play it off as something platonic later if need be when he worries that he’s said too much. “ do I? ” he answers him with a question, not allowing himself to cling to hope just yet, and is thankful when moonie drops his cheek back against his chest so that he hopefully misses the expression that comes onto his features at his confession. he stays silent this time, instead of correcting him, and it’s not much but it’s progress.
once they’re in his bed, his arm underneath him and moonie’s arm wrapped around his waist, he can’t help but wonder why it felt as natural as it does. he thought that maybe cuddling up to moonie after everything should’ve felt a lot more uncomfortable than it did; there should’ve been hesitation from both of them, uncertainty in what it meant and what they wanted; he should’ve wanted to put more distance between them, should’ve been finding never ending excuses to get moonie out of his bed and back to his own apartment. and, when none of that happened, and he found himself coming up with excuses to keep moonie in his bed instead, he thought that maybe that said something in itself. for the first time since moonie had ended everything, he wondered if it was actually possible to fix this. the sound of moonie’s yawn, nearly directly beside his ear due to the lack of space between them, brings him back to reality enough to stop that train of thought and he runs his fingers gently down his back instead, welcoming the distraction. “ don’t say that. the only reason you might get one nights sleep here, with me, is because you’ve had a little too much to drink and I’m worried about leaving you alone. you’ll have to go back to your own bed after this. ” for some reason, the reminder of how temporary this entire thing is makes him anxious, as if he can’t imagine letting moonie go now that he’s toyed with the hope of getting to keep him again. he ignores that instinct, and the way his heart skips a beat as moonie begs him not to leave, and takes a deep breath instead. everything will go back to normal tomorrow. “ I’m not going anywhere. ” he promises, before realizing his mistake. “ except maybe the couch, so that you can get some sleep without me. but I won’t be far. ” he corrects, his hand halting against moonie’s back as he feels the other boy’s lips press against his skin again - twice. his eyelids flutter closed before he can stop them, thankful that moonie’s pressed close enough to hopefully not be able to see, and he just barely suppresses another noise. “ I’m not the person you should want to do that with. not - I mean - not anymore, at least. ” he explains, and he isn’t sure whether it’s because of how much it hurts to admit that aloud or because of the fact that his skin still tingles where moonie had been but his voice is barely above a whisper. ‘as mine’, the words echo in his mind as he tries to figure out whether or not he means them. “ but you had that already. ” he still has that, still has his heart completely in his hands, and he contemplates telling him exactly that, almost positive that he was too sleepy to remember any of this in the morning, but he decides against it. he’d already admitted too much. “ mm? ” he hums at the sound of his name, not realizing just how sleepy he’d allowed himself to become since they’d moved to the bed. moonie’s next request wakes him up completely, though. “ you didn’t - moonie, you didn’t fuck everything up. I’ve told you that already. we fucked it all up. together. and I - I want you to stay but - ” he shakes his head softly, trying to force himself to find the strength to say what he thinks he has to. “ but you really shouldn’t. I mean - you can stay here. I’ll just - I can go to the couch, so that you can have the bed, and you can go back to your place in the morning once you’ve slept it off. ”
moonie knows he’s being far too much right now, even through his drunken state he knows how hard this must be for joon. and he wants to release him so that he can be happy, even if it’s without him. he sighs as joon’s comforting him and he shakes his head, nose brushing against the collar of joon’s shirt. “ i am the worst. totally the worst. look what i’ve done. “ he breathes out and he’s still gripping on as if his life depends on it and he shakes his head furiously, making himself lightheaded and dizzy. “ no. it wasn’t the best thing that i ever did. . . i didn’t. want too. i was confused. hurt because i thought you were flirting with someone else i was being an idiot, i’m sorry. “ he says it bluntly and too the point because despite being drunk he means it wholeheartedly. “ it is just my chest, i don’t want water joon just you. “ he says and he buried his nose into his neck, the smell again being extremely comforting for him. it’s home. it’s always going to be his home. he sighs into his skin and nods. “ sorry. “ he breathes again, he knows joon’s never seen him in this state before but moonie’s still coherent and able to understand what he’s saying, he just needs the other to realise that. and he hopes he does. “ i drank more than i should have. “
moonie stays quiet as he listens to joon’s heart beating away in his chest, it’s captivating and he can’t seem to to think about anything else but joon’s statement makes him frown and hs hugs him as if this is the last ever time he might get to. and maybe it is but he doesn’t ant to think of that. “ no. . joon. . seojoonie. “ he breathes out. “ it really wasn’t. what can i do to make you believe that it wasn’t really something i wanted. i know i hurt you. . . i know i broke your heart and i’m really, really sorry. i- it’s not what i want. i promise it’s not. “ he breathes out and he bites his lower lip. “ i wasn’t happy without you. i’m miserable without you. it’s. . pathetic right ? “ he sniffles, wrinkling his nose. he sighs and he nods slowly. “ but i won’t be here if you don’t want me to be. this. . is your space and if you don’t love me anymore that’s okay, i don’t deserve it anyway. “ he mumbled out and he stays pressed against him, biting into his lower lip and he figures that’s what this is, even though he’s here, in joon’s arms, he feels like there’s that distance between them which is all his fault. i’m not. at least i won’t be for long. that. . . stung, hurt him even, his heart clenched and he closed his eyes tightly trying in vain to keep those tears from springing back his eyes because this felt like more proof that joon wasn’t in love with him anyore and would be quite content with moonie just being his friend not taking in the way he’s being hugged tighter as the conversation progresses. “ nobody’s ever been home like you. “ he says out loud, his eyes are open now and he’s staring blankly at the wall across from them. “ nobody ever will be. but i hope someone will be for you and that they make you happy. “ even if it wasn’t him. he kept repeating that in his head like a mantra. his voice is quiet, softer than before and he doesn’t say anything else for a few minutes. he did owe joon everything, joon was the one person in his life that he did owe it all too. even if the other didn’t know it. his breathing feels a little more shallow than it usually would and he keeps his face away, even though he feels joon’s gaze on him. “ my home is here. i’d always know the way. “ he says quietly. no matter what happens after tonight he needed joon to know that he, was moonie’s only home and he always would be. he’s staring at joon like he is the only person in the world that he could ever stare at, and to moonie it’s true. he is. the tears are worse at this point literally threatning to pour over without his permission. because he’s still convincing himself that this one sided. joon doesn’t love him. and that’s okay. it’s okay. he blinked and he looked away from him. he’s finally accepting moonie’s apology and it’s not a bitter acceptance like in the store. or at least he doesn’t think it is anyway. “ you do. “ he says and he goes quiet because joon has gone quiet, and it doesn’t matter how many times he says it, he knows he’s not going to hear it back. and that’s okay too. isn’t it ?
up against him is the only way he wants things and he keeps his eyes closed. it’s so natural, and moonie feels so at peace and at home. he cuddles against him, eyes closed and he can feel how natural it just feels to be here and he smiles to himself because this is what he wants. i’m worried to leave you alone. he licks his lips and he takes a deep breath. he doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to ever leave this bed again an he feels the other’s fingers trail up and down his back and he closes his eyes over. he smiles when he feels that slight perk against joon’s chest he thinks he still might have that affect on him when he kisses his skin. he does it one last time, this time pressing his lips just under joon’s ear, more or less at his jawline. though joon’s words bring him back to reality, back to the sickening reality that he in fact couldn’t stay here. not anymore. he was just worried about him. worried because he’d drank too much. he’s pulled a little bit back from him, but not much just so his lips no longer touch his skin and he feels his lower lip tremble and he’s not sure if it’s hurt, the alcohol, or the fact that he’s never going to have this again after tonight and he can’t take it. he hates it. hates how he’s ruined it all. “ i- i know..” he breathes quietly. and he stares at joon’s neck, too afraid to look up at him. because the sobering reality is hitting him and he wants nothing more than to just curl up into a ball and let joon comfort him, pretend that this was all normal. that they were fine. but they couldn’t do that. not really. when he hears joon talk he does give a little glance up at him, seeing how sleepy he looked and he stares at him, like he’s lighting the sun. not anymore at least. he doesn’t know how to respond to that because he knows no matter how much he tells joon how much he cares, how much he loves him and how much he’s sorry it’s not going to be enough. all these past tense sentences make moonie’s heart tighten with regret and hurt. and he can’t make words come out and for a few minute’s he lays still. “ i did. i know i did. you didn’t do anything wrong. . i blew it all out of propotion and i hurt you. “ he says he almost feels himself smile until the sentence is finished. i want you to stay BUT, that dreaded but and moonie’s chest tightened again. when joon talked about the couch again, he shook his head and he leans up this is last time he’d ever do it, he kisses him lightly his own lips touching joon's and he pushed himself back, giving joon space he needs and shakes his head. “ . no. “ moonie despite his efforts and wants to just cling to him, he then pushes himself up into the sitting position. “ it’s okay. “ he breathes out, the alcohol consuming his mind as he sat up, feeling dizzy and like he might be sick. “ i can go. i know the way to my apartment. ‘get to bed. i bothered you again ‘m sorry. “ he says and he rubs at his eyes, tears keep threatning to fall over because the ache in his chest that he’s felt for months just won’t go away even with how close they were to each other. and it’s worse. it’s so much worse now. “ i cann’t make you sleep on the couch joon it’s y’r bed . “ he mumbles quietly and begins sliding himself to the edge of the bed. a few tears falling now that he’s not cuddled up against him and he’s facing away from him, joon can’t see. but the same statement just repeates in his mind. he doesn’t love you and it’s your own fault. “ i’ll get my shoes. “ he’s left them at the door and he feels his feet move and shuffle as he stumbles towards the bedroom door so he can get out. so joon doesn’t need to deal with him and so he can take a breath he knows he’s holding through part of him is screaming not to, as his hand turns the handle to pull it open and he pulls at it, sliding a little when it opens. this feels like too much, it is too much. far too much for him to cope with when the emotion bubbling up and his cheeks turn red and flush hot because he’s feeling that humiliation again that he can’t get rid of but it’s different this time, he’s not humiliated because of joon’s words, he’s humilated by the fact that if he has to hear him use a past tense again he’ll start sobbing and he doesn’t want joon to see that but he’s on the verge of it as he opens the bedroom door, a sob leaving him without him realsing it and he’s out of it as he makes his way to where his shoes sit he kneels down to get them and fails to pull them onto his feet as his eyes and cheeks burn with tears his chest hurts and he can’t make it stop even as he tries to hit it with his hand to get himself to shut up.
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