sungjae knew joon had been avoiding him, and he wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt for his best friend to do that. all he’d wanted was for joon to be happy, sure he could have done it in a better way. but he just wanted joon to be content and happy and not pining over moonie the way he had been, this way they could have sorted their shit out. that was all he wanted for him, just that. he’s flopped down onto the couch and he really isn’t aware that joon’s home. he hates the fact that he’s avoiding him but in the same way he understands it and it makes him feel worse. he’s laying on the couch in silence, eyes brimming with tears until eventually they begin falling over without him noticing and he isn’t sure what’s hurting him more, seeing the love of his life or his best friend trying to avoid him because he’s angry.
his face is buried in the pillow and by god he knows he’s crying at this point because his face feels wet. the achey feeling in his chest won’t leave him and he’s clutching at either side of the pillow. he hears joon’s voice but he doesn’t particularly hearing his words and he frowns turning his head to look at him, his face screwed up and he stares at him. “ the pillow isn’t a better listener. but i thought you were avoiding me, so the pillow seemed like a better option. “ he sniffles and looks away, chin resting on the cushion until he shifts so he’s on his side and he’s curled up into a ball so much that joon has enough space to sit.
joon knew that sungjae wasn’t who he was angry with. if he was honest, he’d only been angry at himself for having to need the sj’s help with something as simple as talking to his ex in the first place. but admitting that was tough and blaming sj had seemed easier at first, had given him something to project his frustration onto. however, now that a few days had passed and he’d finally been able to come to terms with that reality, he felt nothing but guilt for having let his own insecurities and uncertainties get in the way of him and his best friend. he missed him and he just wanted to make things right.
it isn’t until joon is close that he notices the tear tracks across sj’s cheeks, his heart clenching with the knowledge that whatever had happened had hurt him enough for him to cry. sj was usually all smiles, the brightest light in any room, so to see him cry was an uncommon sight, to say the least. he just barely manages to suppress the instinctive anger that bubbles up in his chest at the thought of someone or something hurting him enough to make it happen. “ I was avoiding you. past tense. but we both know I was being an idiot for doing so anyway, because you meant well in everything you did, so consider this me calling truce. and I’m sorry. ” he speaks softly, his tone a delicate balance between teasing and serious; just enough playful notes to keep him comfortable with enough seriousness to let him know that he was here and he wanted to help. “ so, do you want to tell me what happened now? ” he asks gently, reaching his hand out to carefully settle his hand on sj’s back, rubbing tiny circles there as he tries to comfort him. “ or do I really have to fight a pillow for your affection? ”
moonie wants nothing more than to just curl into him and be comforted, yet somehow even the distance between them emotionally and moonie still feels it. he’s holding onto him and that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. he hums sotly and he closes his eyes. breathing him and clinging to the back of his shirt. he wants to reply but honestly he can’t think of anything good he’s done for joon, the only thing sticking in his mind is the fact that he left him, left him heartbroken and feeling god knows what. he shakes his head and says nothing again because he doesn’t want to continue this back and forth and he lifts his head a little to look up at him. “ it’s. . not. i was insecure, and i. . just took it too personally. “ he breathed and he closed his eyes over again and buried his face back in joon’s neck. he then nods his his head and hiccups. “ i’m sure. i told you i’m not letting you go. “ he says fingers lightly curling into the back of his shirt. “ my chest is okay. i don’t need water. “ he says softly he can feel him pull him closer and he smiles against him, nestling into him, regardless if they’re standing or not. “ it should have been sober me not drunk me. i’m sorry. “
he breathes out a sigh, still hiding his face like a child trying to hide from being scolded and he squeezes his eyes closed. he then loosened his grip a little but not much and he shakes his head. “ because it wasn’t. i know you don’ believe me. but it wasn’t. i thought you’d be happier with someone who could show you affection and how much they love you. i wasn’t doing it right. i wasn’t. what i wanted was to make you happy and i thought if i could… then i should. because maybe eventually you’d be happier without me, with someone who knows how to treat you. “ he says softly, his voice quiet and opens his eyes again. “ it might not make sense to you, but it made sense to me at the time. i was too scared to be open about it, about you and after my parents kept talking about a girlfriend. getting married about kids. and i realised that none of that mattered to me if i didn’t have you to do it with. and walking out on you was the hardest thing i’ve ever done, and that’s even coming out to my parents because they hate it. but i don’t care. it’s you. it’s always going to be you. you come before anything else and it was stupid to take out my insecurities on you and hurt you the way i did. and i wouldn’t forgive me for it either. “ he breathed. his words coming all out at once and he breathes in a bit to catch his breath and then nods his head. “ you want me here ? “ he asked. he doesn’t know what else he needs to say but it comes pouring out anyway. “ no. don’t YOU say that because it’s not true. not for me. maybe for you. “ he tears up at the thought of it. he couldn’t imagine a life without joon in it, and had never been able to imagine it not even when he walked out. “ i know you’re avoiding what i’m telling you. “ it hurt. but he understood. “ i get it. “ he whispers and he feels so exhausted all of a sudden because these intense emotions are things that he locks away yet he’s piss drunk and he can’t stop them from coming out. he was welcome here anytime. he smiled at that but the smile didn’t stay. “ i don’t want to leave. “ he says without thinking first. “ i don’t want to leave you again. i thought i couldn’t breathe when i left you the first time, and then the other day… was a whole different kind of feeling and it was bad but i can’t do that again joon, even if you don’t want me, please don’t make me leave. “ he breathes out softly, his voice full of genuine emotion. .
it should be naturally unfair how comfortable they are, and moonie’s lips are just barely hovering, almost touching at this point and he knows joon should be trying to get him out of here, get him to leav yet he doesn’t and hope bubbles in the younger boy’s chest. moonie’s lips touch that same spot again, where he always would, kiss him, leave marks things that belonged to him. he doesn’t even think about leaving, not really. leaving isn’t something he intends to do, he wants to stay. here. in the bed with joon wrapped up in him like they used to be. but there’s something gnawing at him and he closes his eyes. because he’s unsure of what it is, but it continues to eat and eat and eat at him. “ promise ? “ he asks in refrence to his statement about tomorrow. he says nothing as joon tries to say that he in fact did have something to do with it and moonie only sighs because he knows there’s no arguing with him about it and that’s the last thing he wants anyway. he doesn’t want to be angry and argue or be hurt anymore. he just wants it to be right. “ it’s okay. i can walk it’s a twenty minute.. twenty minutes walk and i’ll be there. n you can have your bed. “ he breathes softly he licks his lips and he’s not sure if the sweetness that he gets a taste of is joon or not but he can’t stand the fact that he probably doesn’t want him to do it anymore. he’s mumbling to himself as he moves to get his shoes. moonie’s still trying to pull his shoes on over his feet, tears full force rolling down his cheeks and he can’t see straight and that has nothing to do with the alcohol. “ no that’s. . that’s not it. it’s not the bed joonie, it’s your bed i just.. . i can’t hear you use past tense sentences any more. “ he says as he practically feels joon following him, the sobs are silent a few slip out but they’re coming more and more now because the first one’s out and now he won’t be able to stop and he’s still hitting at his chest because it’s hurting in ways that it only hurt when he’d walked out. “ i don’t want the bed if you’re not in it with me. “ he says shaking his head and he grumbled his heart aches, because he thinks that this is truely over. it’s all done. joon doesn’t love him. he sobs out again, only to freeze all motions when joon wraps his arm around his waist and clutches onto his fist that’s hitting his chest the shoe drops to the floor with a thud because he’s lost all concentration. the plead that joon lets out has moonie’s hands freezing, his heart clenches , he wants to relax back into him but in reality he knows he needs to go. knows he should have come when he was sober. joon might have believed him then. his voice vibrates and tickles moonie’s neck, the drunken boy closing his eyes over and letting out a deep breath that he’s been holding. “ you didn’t do anything joon… “ he breathes biting into his lower lip. just all past tense statements. but moonie deserves that at least doesn’t he ? “ but you don’t want me here. you don’t. . need me here. you should get to move on, i should stop ruining that and fucking it up like i have with everything else, you deserve to be happy“ he whispers. he’s aware that joon doesn’t want him there and is only feeling sorry for him and yet he can’t bring it in him to care. not really.all he wants is for joon to be comfortable and he lets his head drop against joon’s. he stays like that for a few moments, he’s slowly yet surely sobering up and his head is beginning to pound, dramatically changing all course of action. the one thing he applauds himself on is the gum he’s had on the way here, the way up the stairs and the last piece he’d shoved into his mouth before coming through the door after by being greeted by sj. he takes a deep breath. “ don’t push me away… . please. “ he breathes and he tilts joon’s chin, and he kisses him. it might be the only bold move he gets to make. he doesn’t pull away like the first time for at least a minute and when he does he keeps his face as close to joon’s as possible. “ i love you. i know you don’t believe me and it’s in the past for you. but i do. “ he says quietly. “ and this isn’t the alcohol talking. i promise. “ he whispers out. his cheeks are still flushed but it’s more from how close they are than anything else. “ i miss you so much. just let me make it right ? “ countering joon’s pleading he does the same. yet moonie sounds pathetic when he does it, eyes puffy and red as he stares at him “ let me… try and make you fall in love with me all over again. i can try. i want to try, joon. please. “ his forehead presses against joon’s and his eyes close.
joon feels exhausted in a way that he hasn't in months. and it's weird, considering he's done nothing. but laying here, moonie at his side, and being unable to do anything or say anything that he really wants to takes all of the energy out of him. he doesn't even have it in him to fight any longer, can only bring himself to let out a soft hum of acknowledgement to moonie's argument as he simply let his fingers continue to draw patterns against his skin. " mm, so you don't want me to get up and make you something for breakfast in the morning either? " he teases softly, content with the feeling of moonie's fingers clinging onto his shirt as if he's afraid of losing him. he hopes that, maybe, losing him again is something that he fears. " yeah. well, make it up to me in the morning by at least remembering all of this when you're sober, okay? "
he felt weirdly protective as he listened to moonie talk about himself and how he'd acted while they'd been together. he knew that moonie had his insecurities, knew that he had certain limits to what he was comfortable doing because of them, but that was normal. and yet, to hear moonie talk about it, it sounded so horrible from his perspective. it broke his heart a little. " I think you're too hard on yourself. you weren't comfortable with showing affection in public, sure, but .. you were always affectionate with me when it was just you and I, you know? and you weren't doing anything wrong by keeping that to ourselves. you were private but you treated me wonderfully and I .. probably should've done a better job of making sure you knew that instead of focusing on being hurt that you didn't seem comfortable doing it all the time. " he corrected him gently, carefully phrasing his words in a way that he hopes will at least provide some comfort for the unnecessary guilt that moonie clearly had. " it makes sense to me. I know your parents were .. tough. and I know that isn't easy. but I just .. if you really wanted all of that with me, marriage and a family and everything, I just wish you'd trusted me enough to talk to me instead. " he held him a little closer at the mention of his parents, anger flaring up instinctively at the thought of just how easily they'd convinced moonie that he was anything other than the perfection he was. " of course I do. " voice barely above a whisper, he admitted just how obvious it was for him to want moonie here before being caught off guard by the passion in moonie's next words. " I just want you to be happy, moonie. and if you're not going to be with me, then I .. I just want you to find someone else who makes you as happy as I did once. " he explains his reasoning, wanting to make sure that moonie hadn't mistook his assertion that he could find someone to make him happy as him wishing he would find someone else. because, although he wanted moonie happy, he still wanted it to be him to do it. " I'm not avoiding what you're saying, it's just .. I mean - you don’t get it. " he sighed, frustrated by just how easily moonie let sentiment after sentiment fall from his lips while he tripped over each of his words. " I just don't know what I'm allowed to say anymore. " he attempted to explain his reasoning for selectively acknowledging moonie's replies, hoping to make him understand just how delicately he was balancing what he wanted to say and what he was allowed to say as his ex. " I never made you leave, moonie, and I won't start now. "
focusing when moonie was around was nearly impossible for him. it always had been. and tonight is no exception, it seems, because he knows that there are a million things he should be thinking about and yet the only thing his mind will allow him to focus on is just how close moonie's lips are to his skin. the sound of moonie's voice, asking him for a promise, is the only thing powerful enough to draw his attention away and he gives the tiniest nod at the sound of it. " I promise. if you stick around long enough in the morning, we'll talk. " he agrees, expecting to get out of the promise easily when moonie inevitably leaves in the morning. " you could barely make it into my room when you got here without help, you can't make a twenty minute walk on your own right now. " he tries to reason with him, although the lingering tingle on his lips from where moonie had been is distracting enough that he isn't sure he's making the most convincing arguments. " past tense sentences? I don't - what do you mean? " he doesn't understand, can't seem to connect the puzzle pieces that moonie kept giving him. why had past tense sentences upset him enough to leave? he'd only used them whenever he'd been talking about them and they were past tense, weren't they? it was a fact that he had expected moonie to be fine with, considering he had been the one to get them here. " I can stay with you until you fall asleep, if you're worried about being alone. " he suggests, when moonie says that he doesn't want the bed unless he's with him, but even he knows that he's avoiding the obvious solution. he just doesn't know if he can spend the night with moonie if he only plans on leaving again the next morning, doesn't know if he would ever be able to fall asleep in his bed again if his sheets smelled of him the next morning and he was forced to cuddle up with the memories of everything he'd lost. again. despite that, he finds himself clinging onto moonie only a second later. because, even if it could very well lead to his undoing later, he can't bear the thought of losing him again. not now. and especially not while moonie looked as inexplicably devastated in front of him as he did. " I .. want you here. " he admits, voice barely above a whisper of his own, and it's such a simple admission but he still feels his heart speed up with the fear of having said too much. " and you're not ruining anything for me, moonie. you’re not. please. " he isn't sure what he's begging for, exactly; he's only sure that he just wants this to stop. he just wants moonie to stop crying, wants to make him happy again even if it's at the expense of his own heart. " push you away? " he's confused, unsure of what exactly moonie is pleading for, until he feels the other boy's lips against his own again only seconds later. he freezes at first, his body seemingly refusing to accept the fact that this was actually happening, before he finally relaxes enough to actually kiss him back. and he knows that it's a mistake, knows that it's only going to be another thing for him to regret when morning comes, but he can't bring himself to pull away. not when moonie had begged him to not do exactly that and not when this was everything he wanted. instead, he kisses him as if it's the last time he'll ever get the chance to. because it probably is. and, when moonie pulls away finally, he just barely manages to keep himself from chasing after his lips for more. " you ... you can't be sure it isn't the alcohol talking when you haven't even had a chance to sober up yet. " he points out, voice audibly shakier and less confident than before the kiss. he was running out of excuses for why moonie was doing the things he was if he didn't truly mean them. “ I miss you too but you’re just going to change your mind again. ” it’s a reminder to himself as much as it is a deterrent to moonie, desperately trying to keep his defensive pessimism in tact while foolish hope begins to blossom in his chest, but it sounds less convincing than he would’ve liked. his heart isn’t in it like it had been at the store, too focused on how close moonie is instead, and it’s obvious just how close he is to giving in. it’s only his fear of yet another heartbreak that holds him back. “ but, until you do, you can ... you can try. ” he let his eyes slip closed as moonie pressed their foreheads together. “ but you don’t need to try to make me love you again. you just need to try to ... to stay. ”
the moment he’d managed to escape, sj had instead of going to get food headed straight home, and he closed the door a little harder than he normally would. his eyes puffed and red as he walked towards the living room. he wasn’t expecting joon to be home, so when he threw himself onto the couch. his head pressed into the cushions and he yelled into them in annoyance, kicking his legs against the arm of the couch and he huffed out a breath after a few minutes just to calm himself down and when he heat up and needed to breathe he turned his head to stare at the wall.
“ ahh fuck. “ he grunted out and hid his face again.
@itshighjccn
joon had been, admittedly, avoiding sj. he hated it, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d even considered doing something like this, but it was the only thing he could think to do after sj had invited moonie over without talking to him first. he understood why he did it, of course, and he knew that sj had only the best of intentions in his actions and yet he couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that he’d gone around him like that. despite how confident sj seemed to be in his relationship with moonie, he wasn’t. and being unexpectedly thrown into situations with him when everything felt so delicate between them at the moment made him nervous, to say the least. however, he missed his best friend too much to let his stubborn pouting go on for much longer. so, as he heard the front door to their apartment slam shut, signaling sj’s return, he took a deep breath and made his way toward the living room with every intention of finally talking this through.
however, once he came into the living room just in time to catch the grunt falling past his roommate’s lips, all thoughts of scolding sj for his previous behavior left his mind. his best friend needed him and that was all that he needed to know to push everything else to the back of his mind. " alright. do you want to talk about it? ” he asked simply, making his way over to the couch and settling beside sj. “ or do you really think that the pillows make better listeners than me? ”
moonie knows he’s being far too much right now, even through his drunken state he knows how hard this must be for joon. and he wants to release him so that he can be happy, even if it’s without him. he sighs as joon’s comforting him and he shakes his head, nose brushing against the collar of joon’s shirt. “ i am the worst. totally the worst. look what i’ve done. “ he breathes out and he’s still gripping on as if his life depends on it and he shakes his head furiously, making himself lightheaded and dizzy. “ no. it wasn’t the best thing that i ever did… i didn’t. want too. i was confused. hurt because i thought you were flirting with someone else i was being an idiot, i’m sorry. “ he says it bluntly and too the point because despite being drunk he means it wholeheartedly. “ it is just my chest, i don’t want water joon just you. “ he says and he buried his nose into his neck, the smell again being extremely comforting for him. it’s home. it’s always going to be his home. he sighs into his skin and nods. “ sorry. “ he breathes again, he knows joon’s never seen him in this state before but moonie’s still coherent and able to understand what he’s saying, he just needs the other to realise that. and he hopes he does. “ i drank more than i should have. “
moonie stays quiet as he listens to joon’s heart beating away in his chest, it’s captivating and he can’t seem to to think about anything else but joon’s statement makes him frown and hs hugs him as if this is the last ever time he might get to. and maybe it is but he doesn’t ant to think of that. “ no. . joon. . seojoonie. “ he breathes out. “ it really wasn’t. what can i do to make you believe that it wasn’t really something i wanted. i know i hurt you… i know i broke your heart and i’m really, really sorry. i- it’s not what i want. i promise it’s not. “ he breathes out and he bites his lower lip. “ i wasn’t happy without you. i’m miserable without you. it’s. . pathetic right ? “ he sniffles, wrinkling his nose. he sighs and he nods slowly. “ but i won’t be here if you don’t want me to be. this. . is your space and if you don’t love me anymore that’s okay, i don’t deserve it anyway. “ he mumbled out and he stays pressed against him, biting into his lower lip and he figures that’s what this is, even though he’s here, in joon’s arms, he feels like there’s that distance between them which is all his fault. i’m not. at least i won’t be for long. that… stung, hurt him even, his heart clenched and he closed his eyes tightly trying in vain to keep those tears from springing back his eyes because this felt like more proof that joon wasn’t in love with him anyore and would be quite content with moonie just being his friend not taking in the way he’s being hugged tighter as the conversation progresses. “ nobody’s ever been home like you. “ he says out loud, his eyes are open now and he’s staring blankly at the wall across from them. “ nobody ever will be. but i hope someone will be for you and that they make you happy. “ even if it wasn’t him. he kept repeating that in his head like a mantra. his voice is quiet, softer than before and he doesn’t say anything else for a few minutes. he did owe joon everything, joon was the one person in his life that he did owe it all too. even if the other didn’t know it. his breathing feels a little more shallow than it usually would and he keeps his face away, even though he feels joon’s gaze on him. “ my home is here. i’d always know the way. “ he says quietly. no matter what happens after tonight he needed joon to know that he, was moonie’s only home and he always would be. he’s staring at joon like he is the only person in the world that he could ever stare at, and to moonie it’s true. he is. the tears are worse at this point literally threatning to pour over without his permission. because he’s still convincing himself that this one sided. joon doesn’t love him. and that’s okay. it’s okay. he blinked and he looked away from him. he’s finally accepting moonie’s apology and it’s not a bitter acceptance like in the store. or at least he doesn’t think it is anyway. “ you do. “ he says and he goes quiet because joon has gone quiet, and it doesn’t matter how many times he says it, he knows he’s not going to hear it back. and that’s okay too. isn’t it ?
up against him is the only way he wants things and he keeps his eyes closed. it’s so natural, and moonie feels so at peace and at home. he cuddles against him, eyes closed and he can feel how natural it just feels to be here and he smiles to himself because this is what he wants. i’m worried to leave you alone. he licks his lips and he takes a deep breath. he doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to ever leave this bed again an he feels the other’s fingers trail up and down his back and he closes his eyes over. he smiles when he feels that slight perk against joon’s chest he thinks he still might have that affect on him when he kisses his skin. he does it one last time, this time pressing his lips just under joon’s ear, more or less at his jawline. though joon’s words bring him back to reality, back to the sickening reality that he in fact couldn’t stay here. not anymore. he was just worried about him. worried because he’d drank too much. he’s pulled a little bit back from him, but not much just so his lips no longer touch his skin and he feels his lower lip tremble and he’s not sure if it’s hurt, the alcohol, or the fact that he’s never going to have this again after tonight and he can’t take it. he hates it. hates how he’s ruined it all. “ i- i know..” he breathes quietly. and he stares at joon’s neck, too afraid to look up at him. because the sobering reality is hitting him and he wants nothing more than to just curl up into a ball and let joon comfort him, pretend that this was all normal. that they were fine. but they couldn’t do that. not really. when he hears joon talk he does give a little glance up at him, seeing how sleepy he looked and he stares at him, like he’s lighting the sun. not anymore at least. he doesn’t know how to respond to that because he knows no matter how much he tells joon how much he cares, how much he loves him and how much he’s sorry it’s not going to be enough. all these past tense sentences make moonie’s heart tighten with regret and hurt. and he can’t make words come out and for a few minute’s he lays still. “ i did. i know i did. you didn’t do anything wrong. . i blew it all out of propotion and i hurt you. “ he says he almost feels himself smile until the sentence is finished. i want you to stay BUT, that dreaded but and moonie’s chest tightened again. when joon talked about the couch again, he shook his head and he leans up this is last time he’d ever do it, he kisses him lightly his own lips touching hi and he pushed himself back, giving joon space he needs and shakes his head. “ . no. “ moonie despite his efforts and wants to just cling to him, he then pushes himself up into the sitting position. “ it’s okay. “ he breathes out, the alcohol consuming his mind as he sat up, feeling dizzy and like he might be sick. “ i can go. i know the way to my apartment. ‘get to bed. i bothered you again ‘m sorry. “ he says and he rubs at his eyes, tears keep threatning to fall over because the ache in his chest that he’s felt for months just won’t go away even with how close they were to each other. and it’s worse. it’s so much worse now. “ i cann’t make you sleep on the couch joon it’s y’r bed . “ he mumbles quietly and begins sliding himself to the edge of the bed. a few tears falling now that he’s not cuddled up against him and he’s facing away from him, joon can’t see. but the same statement just repeates in his mind. he doesn’t love you and it’s your own fault. “ i’ll get my shoes. “ he’s left them at the door and he feels his feet move and shuffle as he stumbles towards the bedroom door so he can get out. so joon doesn’t need to deal with him and so he can take a breath he knows he’s holding through part of him is screaming not to, as his hand turns the handle to pull it open and he pulls at it, sliding a little when it opens. this feels like too much, it is too much. far too much for him to cope with when the emotion bubbling up and his cheeks turn red and flush hot because he’s feeling that humiliation again that he can’t get rid of but it’s different this time, he’s not humiliated because of joon’s words, he’s humilated by the fact that if he has to hear him use a past tense again he’ll start sobbing and he doesn’t want joon to see that but he’s on the verge of it as he opens the bedroom door, a sob leaving him without him realsing it and he’s out of it as he makes his way to where his shoes sit he kneels down to get them and fails to pull them onto his feet as his eyes and cheeks burn with tears his chest hurts and he can’t make it stop even as he tries to hit it with his hand to get himself to shut up.
joon isn't sure if he's helping. his instincts tell him to comfort moonie each time the other boy seems upset, past habits and behaviors kicking in with the hopes of making him happy again, but he isn't sure if that's even what moonie wants. is his prescence still something that brings him comfort or is he just another stressor to him now? the sigh that passes moonie's lips doesn't help answer his question. " this isn't all you've done. you've done some amazing things as well, some things that you wouldn't have been able to do if you were the worst. " he'd saved joon, in more ways than he could count, had made him happier than he'd ever been or ever would be, and he still loved him as much as he had the first day he'd met him. " I’m sorry. if that's what really happened, then this all started because of I did. " he points out, still uncertain on what to believe. " are you sure? because I can't help your chest feel better the way water can. " it tickles where moonie's nose brushes against his skin but he doesn't even consider moving away from the feeling, drawing him closer instead. " don't apologize. I'm just glad you made it here okay. "
the sound of his name falling from moonie's lips is almost sweet enough to bring a smile to his lips despite the harsh reality of the words that follow it. almost. " I just .. don't understand why it wouldn’t be something you wanted. " he murmured, voice deceptively casual despite the fact that he was coming dangerously close to giving moonie the honest insecurities and confusions that he'd hidden behind walls of indiference before. " but you're not pathetic, moon. I just want you to be happy. " he admits, suddenly thankful that their current position gives him an excuse to keep his gaze diverted. he wasn't sure he'd be able to say any of the things he had tonight if he had to look into moonie's eyes while he said it. " I want you here. " nobody’s ever been home like you. the words should make him happy and yet they feel bittersweet, taunting him with one of the things he wanted most while reminding him that it's no longer something he gets to have. he wasn't home for moonie any longer, he hadn't been for some time, and he wouldn't be again. even if he seemed convinced that no one could take joon's place, he knew that it was only a matter of time and sobering up for him to realize just how easily someone could replace him. " don't say that. someone will make you far happier than I ever could. " he avoids the wishes for his own future, can't even begin to imagine a life with anyone other than moonie and doesn't trust himself to pretend that he can. my home is here. as if moonie can read his mind, or anticipate his avoidance of his previous confession, he repeats a similiar sentiment that doesn't fail to make his heart leap into his throat as if it's the first time all over again. and he wants to argue, wants to point out all of the flaws with such a declaration, but he also wants to preserve whatever place he has in moonie's life. no matter how unlikely it seemed that moonie would ever really want to, he wanted moonie to know that he could always come back to him. " well. you're welcome here anytime. " and then silence falls between them, heavy and suffocating with the unsaid, but he can't bring himself to break it. because he's still so unsure; unsure of what he's allowed to say, unsure of what he's allowed to feel, unsure of how long he has left before moonie leaves again.
it's unfair just how natural it feels to have moonie pressed back up against his side. even the feeling of his lips on his skin, something that should've felt so out of place after all of the time that had passed, felt like home. because, as he feels moonie's lips at a spot just below his ear, he isn't uncomfortable like he figures he should be. far from it. instead, he's reminded of a time when moonie would leave a little mark in the exact same spot - something small and private and theirs - and something warm blossoms in his chest instead. and he feels so pathetic as it does because he knows this is all temporary and that moonie will leave again in the morning but he still can't stop himself from clinging onto him while he has the chance. " it's okay. we'll worry about it tomorrow. " he murmurs, when moonie stutters out a soft agreement, and he isn't sure whether he's trying to comfort moonie or himself. what he is sure of, however, is that the feeling of moonie's gaze on him is enough to nearly make him blush and he's grateful when moonie's voice breaks the silence enough to give him something else to focus on. " I did plenty wrong. " he argues softly, his mind immediately and cruelly reminding him of just how easily he'd let moonie walk out of his life without even trying to stop him; it was still the biggest mistake he'd ever made. but before he can get too lost in his thoughts, he finds himself distracted as moonie shifts beside him before doing the last thing he'd ever expected and pressing their lips together as if it's the last time he'll ever have the chance to do it. and it's so cruel, because his lips are gone before he even has the chance to do anything and then he's moving away from him again, sitting up and taking joon’s heart with him as if it's the most casual thing in the world. " wait. " he breathes, still trying desperately to catch up to everything happening around him. and he knows that he isn't the one who has been drinking but it feels like it in the moment, his head spinning wildly enough to make it seem possible. " what are you talking about? you can't walk home right now, moonie. you've had too much to drink, it's not safe. just wait. " he sits up then, just in time for moonie to start sliding off the bed, and it feels a little bit like deja vu from the day they’d broken up with how quickly everything is moving. because he could've sworn they'd been fine, happy even, and now moonie is walking away, mumbling something about excuses, and he doesn't know what he's done wrong. " is that what this is about? because I don't mind. really. I want you to have the bed. " he's sitting at the edge of the bed now and he's almost positive that he has to sound as desperate as he looks, offering moonie anything in the hopes of convincing him to just stop, but he can't bring himself to care. especially as he watches moonie clumsily open the door to his bedroom, stumbling away from him. and he had prepared himself to lose moonie again, had expected to have his heart broken in the morning, but he hadn’t been ready for it so soon. “ moonie, stop. just talk to me. ” he pushes himself off of the bed then, making it to moonie again just in time to hear the sob that leaves him. the sound breaks his heart and he’s acting before he even has a chance to think about it, falling into place behind moonie and wrapping one arm around his waist, his other hand gently enclosing the hand that moonie had been hitting his chest with. “ hey, it’s okay. shh. ” he attempts to soothe him, forcing his voice to not convey the panic underneath his own skin as he gently and subtly rocks him instead. “ I’m sorry. whatever I did, I’m sorry. just don’t go. ” he murmurs, voice soft and head tucked into the crook of moonie’s neck. “ please. ”
“ in the end I'm gonna be alright but it might take a hundred sleepless nights to make the memories of you disappear but right now I can't see nothing through these tears. out of sight but you're not out of my mind, so it might take somebody else at night to make it feel like you were never here but right now I can't see nothing through these tears. ”
02. someone you loved by lewis capaldi
“ but now the day bleeds into nightfall and you’re not here to get me through it all. I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. ”
03. all I want by kodaline
“ when you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side. but If you loved me, why did you leave me? ”
04. jealous by labrinth
“ 'cause I wished you the best of all this world could give. and I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive but I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery. it's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me. ”
05. break my heart again by finneas
“ you can’t help it if your mind has changed, so go ahead and break my heart again, leave me wonderin’ why the hell I ever let you in. are you the definition of insanity? or am I? ”
06. bruises by lewis capaldi
“ counting days since my love up and got lost on me. and every breath that I've been takin' since you left feels like a waste on me. I've been holding on to hope that you'll come back when you can find some peace ‘cause every word that I've heard spoken since you left feels like a hollow street. ”
07. you could be happy by snow patrol
“ most of what I remember makes me sure; I should have stopped you from walking out the door. you could be happy; I hope you are. you made me happier than I'd been by far. somehow everything I own smells of you and for the tiniest moment it's all not true. ”
08. in my veins by andrew belle
“ oh, you’re in my veins and I cannot get you out. oh, you’re all I taste at night inside of my mouth. oh, you run away 'cause I am not what you found. oh, you’re in my veins and I cannot get you out. ”
09. I can’t make you love me by dave thomas junior
“ cause I can't make you love me if you don't. you can't make your heart feel something it won't. here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power but you won't, no you won't. 'cause I can't make you love me, if you don't. ”
10. hurts like hell by fleurie
“ how can I say this without breaking? how can I say this without taking over? how can I put it down into words when it's almost too much for my soul alone? I loved, and I loved and I lost you. and it hurts like hell. ”
11. breathe by taylor swift
“ I see your face in my mind as I drive away, 'cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. people are people, and sometimes we change our minds but it's killing me to see you go after all this time. music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie, it's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see. 'cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down, now I don't know what to be without you around. ”
12. lonely again by gnash
“ you said you would care, you said you'd be there. you said you'd be here, so how come you're not here? lonely again , I said I’m lonely again. how'd I get so lonely again? I think I’m lonely again. would you come hold me again? ”
13. need you now ( acoustic ) by dean lewis
“ but I don’t need your love, I just need you talking next to me when I wake up. talking next to me when I wake up next to you. when I’m hungover too because you’re the only one who comes when I’m lonely. you’re the only one who comes when I’m lonely for you. ”
14. what a time by matt johnson ( cover of niall horan & julia michaels )
“ I feel a little nauseous and my hands are shaking. I guess I need you close by. my throat is getting dry and my heart is racing. I haven't been by your side in a minute, but I think about it sometimes even though I know it's not so distant. oh, no, I still wanna reminisce it. ”
15. two ghosts by harry styles
“ the fridge light washes this room white, moon dances over your good side; this was all we used to need. tongue-tied like we've never known, telling those stories we already told 'cause we don't say what we really mean. we're not who we used to be, we're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me. we're not who we used to be, we're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. ”
16. lose my mind ( acoustic vers. ) by dean lewis
“ oh, now you're looking at me and I'm looking at you like a fool but you don't know what it feels like to fall in love with you. no, you don't know what it's like when you can't go back. ”
17. i’m so tired by lauv & troye sivan ( stripped vers. )
“ strangers, killing my lonely nights with strangers. and when they leave, I go back to our song, I hold on. hurts like heaven, lost in the sound. buzzcut season like you’re still around. can’t unmiss you and I need you now. yeah, I’m so tired of love songs, tired of love songs, tired of love songs, tired of love. just wanna go home, wanna go home. ”
18. too much to ask by niall horan ( acoustic vers. )
“ my shadow's dancing without you for the first time. my heart is hoping you'll walk right in tonight, tell me there are things that you regret. 'cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet. that's all I'm asking. is it too much to ask? ”
19. ex by jamestw ( acoustic vers. )
“ they think they're trying to help, introducing me to someone else. I play along 'cause I haven't got the heart to tell 'em that if I dance with somebody, I might want somebody else. and if I want somebody, I might fall in love and forget what it was to be wrapped in your arms so tightly, to be your man. so tonight I'll be dancing alone 'cause I'm afraid if I forget then you'll just become an ex. ”
20. i miss you by clean bandit & julia michaels ( acoustic vers. )
“ and I know we're not supposed to talk but I'm getting ahead of myself. I get scared when we're not 'cause I'm scared you're with somebody else. so I guess that it is gone and I just keep lying to myself, I can't believe it. ”
21. looking for you again by matthew perryman jones
“ sifting through mishaps and photographs, I think of you much more than I should. and I’m falling down like it’s holy ground. I’m looking for you again. ”
22. golden leaves by passenger ( acoustic vers. )
“ do you remember how this first begun? teeth were white and our skin was young. eyes as bright as the Spanish Sun, we had nothing we could hide. now, my dear, we are two golden leaves clinging desperately to winter trees. got up here like a pair of thieves while the sirens blare outside. what's left to say when every word's been spoken? what's left to see when our eyes won't open? what's left to do when we've lost all hope and what's left to break when our hearts are broken? ”
23. bloodstream by stateless
“ wake up, look me in the eyes again. I need to feel your hand upon my face. words can be like knives, they can cut you open, but the silence surrounds you and hunts you. ”
24. tell me that you love me by james smith
“ no more lazy mornings with you lying next to me, no more late night talking before we lay our heads to sleep, no more looking in the mirror with you stepping on my feet. without your arms around my shoulders, I've lost the strength to be. ”
25. paper hearts by tori kelly
“ trying to remember all the good times, our life was cutting through so loud. memories are playing in my dull mind. I hate this part, paper hearts. and I'll hold a piece of yours, don't think I would just forget about it. hoping that you won't forget. I live through pictures as if I was right there by your side but you'll be good without me. ”
26. what if i never get over you by lady antebellum
“ what if I'm trying, but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back, lost in the last goodbye? and what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do? what if I never get over you? ”
27. reason to hate you by rhys lewis
“ can you just lie to me and ruin these memories? 'cause I've gotta forget somehow so I'm begging you, burn us to the ground. 'cause I know it's over but I don't know what to do. so help me get over, help me get over you. ”
28. surrender by natalie taylor
“ we let the waters rise, we drifted to survive. I needed you to stay but I let you drift away. my love, where are you? whenever you’re ready, can we surrender? I surrender. no one will win this time, I just want you back. ”
29. leave a message gnash
“ sorry I lost you but I got something to say before I leave. I'm sorry that I miss you but it's cool, get to see you in my dreams. thanks for showing me how love feels, thanks for showing me how loss feels too. thanks for making me strong when things fall apart. thanks for the try, at least we had a good start. just wanted to hold you down, but you put me on hold. and I gave you all my heart and I gave you my soul. baby every little thing is going to be all right. you'll always be on my mind, can't always be in my life. I know one day you'll smile with all the happy you need, I hope one day you'll smile with all that happy at me . ”
30. p.s. by gnash
“ some days I feel like givin' up, givin' in. losin' hope, losin' friends. I've been trying hard not to lose my breath ever since you left, but if this is the end. when good ain't good enough, the road is ridin' rough, you'll always be alright with me. if you ever feel alone, I just wanted you to know I wrote you this song to sing, it goes like p.s., I miss you when you feel alone. p.s., I'm with you, wherever you go. p.s., I get you, so, p.s., come home. p.s., I love you, that's all that I know. ”
joon was his home. it should have been obvious as to why moonie was here. he hums softly. “ that’s the opposite of what i mean. “ he huffs out his breath and closes his eyes over as he hugs onto him. clinging for life. “ the guts to say everything. how much i love you. i miss you. that leaving you was the worst decision of my life. everything i’ve ever done there’s always something i doing like that i do. . but i HATED leaving you. hurting you. i’m the worst. “ he breathes out. it’s the most sober he’s sounded since he’s appeared in joon’s apartment. he swallows and he shrugs his shoulders. “ my chest hurts it’s why i keep doing the hiccups. “ he breathes drunkenly and he shakes his head. “ i’m sober enough . “ he says and he lets his fingers gently trace patterns into his back and he yawns again. moonie then snorts but his smile is clear on his face. “ i’m good at proving stuff joonie. “ he says and he turns his head so it’s facing the side and he listens sofftly to the beat of joon’s heart. “ i plan on proving it. “ he tol him and he kept his head facing a certain angle so he could listen to joon’s heart and he smiled softly. it felt like it had been so long since he’d done that. he hummed back in response. “ i just miss you so much. “ he says and then he shrugged. “ a bottle and a half. “ he says rubbing his eyes with one hand.
“ mm. “ he hums softly and he cuddled closer as much as he could. refusing to let go and he sniffled hiding his face. joon was so comfortable, even standing against him and he just licked his lips finding them extremely drier than usual. he just wished he’d been sober, “ i’m sad because i made a mistake. “ he breathed. “ i should have come here not drunk, i shouln’t have hurt you or left you and i think about it all the time and then you said the other day in the grocery store that you loved me. and i realised i should let you be happy. that you deserve to be happy without me especially since you don’t love me anymore and now i’m invading your personal space and i can’t stop myself because this is where i want to be. “ he says everything without taking a breath and when he finishes he does take a breath and he’s now terrifed that joon will push him away but when he doesn’t, he holds on that bit more. he shivers when he finally and actually takes notice of joon drawing shapes into his back and he closed his eyes again and he nods his head and he breathes joon in. “ yeah you smell like home. you are home. “ he says loudly enough for joon to hear him, drunk or not. he wrinkles his nose and then he laughs unable to help himself, the teasing seemed to come naturally but then again he was drunk maybe it just sounded that way.he just keeps as close as he can even when he feels joon pulling away from him and he whines when he does pulling him back against him as close as he can without suffocating him. the tears are still in his eyes, because he knows it’s him. knows it’s his own fault for the way joon has become slightly more hostile than before. “ i’m sorry i haven’t. “ he whispered. “ i should have. “ he knows joon’s avoiding some of the things he’s saying and it makes the tears in his eyes worse but he closes them over instead. one tear however manages to drop before he can stop it so he turns his face away in another direction, so that joon can’t see it. “ he didn’t bother me. i was downstairs. “ he tells him his voice thick. “ i’m sorry. “ he breathes softly. “ i really am sorry. “ he breathes. he lets out a soft breath when he feels joon’s hand in his hair and he slumps slightly against him feeling tired. he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to do so he just holds him instead. “ i will. i tell you in the morning. “ he promises. “ i’ll be plenty sober than joonie. “ he breathes out and then he looks up at him, eyes still wet from the previous tears that had glistened there instead. “ do i have you ? “ he asks him and he blinks tilting his head. “ you have me. always. “ he says. “ you never need to say it back but i love you. “ he looked away again and put his cheek back to joon’s chest.
joon’s stuttering was ignored and now they were laying on the bed, he felt the other boy’s arm move around his shoulders, and without any thought to it he wrapped himself around him like a koala would to a tree. his fingers gently gripped the back of joon’s shirt and he keeps his face buried on joon’s neck. this is something he’s missed more than he actually thought he did, which didn’t confuse him. he had missed joon so much he was unsure if he’d ever be able to get over not having him the way he had before he left. he only hums tiredly back in response and he pressed himself as close as he possibly could and he yawns. “ sleeping with you is the only sleep i want. “ he breathed. he knew really that joon and him shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed… . at least not right now. but he didn’t want him to go anywhere. “ please don’t leave. “ he whispers quietly into the other boy’s neck. when he heard the whine he grins and does it again. the reaction, through his drunken mind seems to be a good one. he kisses his skin again this time just a bit further up from the first one before he nestled back against him. “ but i want to do that. all the time. just with you. “ he says quietly a frown threatning to appear on his lips. he hums softly again and he almost drifts off when he speaks and he nods. “ i don’t want to let you go.. . and i want you in my life. not as friends. just. . as mine. “ he says and his voice becomes more and more sleepy the more he spoke. “ joonie ? “ he asked softly. “ can i stay with you ? just even. . if it’s tonight ? i know it might make you weird. but just lem’me pretend for a while that everything is okay and that I-i didnt fuck it all up…? please ? “
joon can’t even begin to process everything that moonie keeps giving him tonight. each time he opens his mouth, he's giving him enough information to keep joon busy over-thinking things for the next month and, by now, he's overwhelmed. so, instead, he settles on addressing what he does know. " you're not the worst, moonie. far from it. " no matter what, moonie was still his favorite person. he had a heart of gold, one kind and bright enough to worry over him when he should've been the last person on his mind, and the personality to match. he was charming and talented and brilliant and absolutely everything that anyone could ask for. he'd been an idiot to let him slip away but he refused to let moonie take the blame for it now. “ and leaving me could’ve actually been the best thing you’ve ever done. ” at least, this way, moonie would have the chance to find someone who deserved him. " right. well, on the off chance that it isn't just your chest giving you the hiccups, I could get you some water. but you'll have to let go of me first. " he offers before simply rolling his eyes at moonie’s drunken murmurings. “ a bottle and a half? well, that explains why you’re saying all this, then. I don’t think I ever saw you have more than half a bottle with me. ”
he'd braced himself the moment that he'd heard moonie say that he'd made a mistake, had tried to prepare himself for what would come next. however, nothing could've prepared him for the genuine regret in moonie's voice or the fact that he'd managed to somehow convince himself that he didn't love him anymore. " leaving me wasn't a mistake if it's what you wanted or what you needed to be happy. " convincing himself that moonie was happy without him was the only thing that had kept him somewhat sane throughout their breakup, even if it was also the thing that broke his heart the most. he wanted moonie to be happy, even if he needed to break his own heart to make it happen. " and I - I shouldn't have said that at the store the other day. if this is where you want to be, you're welcome here. " he can feel moonie shiver underneath his touch then and a small smile, one that he hadn't even intended, comes to his lips. " I'm not. or, at least, I won't be for long. " soon, if they hadn't already, someone would take his place in moonie's life; someone else would smell like home to him, someone else would be his first stop when he'd had too much to drink, someone else would make him happy. the thought made him cling onto moonie a little tighter, despite the fact he'd been trying to push him away only moments before. " you don't need to keep apologizing to me. we broke up, so you don't owe me anything. and it's not like it's uncommon for exes to lose touch. I sort of expected it. " he notices moonie turn away but he doesn't think anything of it until he hears how thick moonie's voice is the next time he speaks. he turns his gaze down to him then, worry written all over his features. " I'm surprised you could even find your way here when you're like this. " he notes, something warm settling in his chest with the knowledge that moonie still knew his way to his place after all this time. " I know you are. " he soothes him, accepting his apology for the time being in hopes that he can get him to relax. " yeah, we'll see about that. I've dealt with your hangovers before and I'm not sure they're exactly what I would call sober. " he points out, half-playfully, before turning serious all over again as he finds himself face to face with moonie again, unshed tears glistening in the other boy's eyes in a way that has joon's chest constricting without his approval. " if you want me. " he answers simply, not breaking eye contact and assuring himself that he could play it off as something platonic later if need be when he worries that he's said too much. " do I? " he answers him with a question, not allowing himself to cling to hope just yet, and is thankful when moonie drops his cheek back against his chest so that he hopefully misses the expression that comes onto his features at his confession. he stays silent this time, instead of correcting him, and it’s not much but it’s progress.
once they’re in his bed, his arm underneath him and moonie’s arm wrapped around his waist, he can’t help but wonder why it felt as natural as it does. he thought that maybe cuddling up to moonie after everything should’ve felt a lot more uncomfortable than it did; there should’ve been hesitation from both of them, uncertainty in what it meant and what they wanted; he should’ve wanted to put more distance between them, should’ve been finding never ending excuses to get moonie out of his bed and back to his own apartment. and, when none of that happened, and he found himself coming up with excuses to keep moonie in his bed instead, he thought that maybe that said something in itself. for the first time since moonie had ended everything, he wondered if it was actually possible to fix this. the sound of moonie’s yawn, nearly directly beside his ear due to the lack of space between them, brings him back to reality enough to stop that train of thought and he runs his fingers gently down his back instead, welcoming the distraction. “ don’t say that. the only reason you might get one nights sleep here, with me, is because you’ve had a little too much to drink and I’m worried about leaving you alone. you’ll have to go back to your own bed after this. ” for some reason, the reminder of how temporary this entire thing is makes him anxious, as if he can’t imagine letting moonie go now that he’s toyed with the hope of getting to keep him again. he ignores that instinct, and the way his heart skips a beat as moonie begs him not to leave, and takes a deep breath instead. everything will go back to normal tomorrow. “ I’m not going anywhere. ” he promises, before realizing his mistake. “ except maybe the couch, so that you can get some sleep without me. but I won’t be far. ” he corrects, his hand halting against moonie’s back as he feels the other boy’s lips press against his skin again - twice. his eyelids flutter closed before he can stop them, thankful that moonie’s pressed close enough to hopefully not be able to see, and he just barely suppresses another noise. “ I’m not the person you should want to do that with. not - I mean - not anymore, at least. ” he explains, and he isn’t sure whether it’s because of how much it hurts to admit that aloud or because of the fact that his skin still tingles where moonie had been but his voice is barely above a whisper. ‘as mine’, the words echo in his mind as he tries to figure out whether or not he means them. “ but you had that already. ” he still has that, still has his heart completely in his hands, and he contemplates telling him exactly that, almost positive that he was too sleepy to remember any of this in the morning, but he decides against it. he’d already admitted too much. “ mm? ” he hums at the sound of his name, not realizing just how sleepy he’d allowed himself to become since they’d moved to the bed. moonie’s next request wakes him up completely, though. “ you didn’t - moonie, you didn’t fuck everything up. I’ve told you that already. we fucked it all up. together. and I - I want you to stay but - ” he shakes his head softly, trying to force himself to find the strength to say what he thinks he has to. “ but you really shouldn’t. I mean - you can stay here. I’ll just - I can go to the couch, so that you can have the bed, and you can go back to your place in the morning once you’ve slept it off. ”
moonie is silent for those few moments that he waits, he want to just remain here. but more so in there with joon. he breathes heavily as he waits and he closes his eyes as he leans against the door. he wants so badly for joon to answer him and let him in, let him make everything that he’s done wrong, right. and he knows deep down that he’s blown it. over selfish reasons. he feels about as pathetic as joon, and he just wants to make it all right, and pretending like he maybe can make it right he wants to. he so badly wants to. but being drunk isn’t the way to go about it. maybe coming now wasn’t his best idea he should have straight here instead of letting his emotions get the better of him and lead him to the alcoho to drown out the fight within himself and it makes him cringe at the thought. his lips still press to the door. “ please let me in joon. “ he says, his voice sounds pathetic almost a pitiful whimper, eyes still closed and whole body pressed to the door.
“ what… am i doing here ? you’re here. “ he breathed. he groaned at joon’s words and shook his head against the door. “ no it’s not that. “ he breathed, his voice sounding a bit stronger instead of slurred. “ i just don’t have the guts to say it all completely sober. i know what i’m talking about joon. “ he says and he closes his eyes. despite being drunk he picks up on it, his senses are always usually heightened when drunk. “ jooooonie. “ he whined again, stomping his feet. he was really acting like a ten year old but if it got joon to open the door he’d continue. “ i am… i will remember. i’m drunk but i’m not… drunk “ hiccups. “ drunk that i’ll not remember. “ he sighs heavily. “ i made the concious decision to come here. . sober i just got sad and drank more than i meant too. “ he still leans against it and he runs his hand through his hair. when his pleas get no answer moonie almost steps away from the door and fights on whether he should leave. “ i do mean it all. “ his voice is practically pleading. “ i DO mean what i’m saying. i know you don’t believe me but i’m gonna prove it. “ he promises. “ you did tell me we could talk. “ he nodded his forehead brushing against the door. “ no… no i don’t need to sleep. i need to be with you. i’ll sleep when i’m dead. “ he muttered and he licks his lip. he knew this wasn’t a good idea coming here drunk but he wanted to see him. drunk or not. he hums again and nestles closer. “ it’s you i want. “ joon could take that however he wanted but right now moonie meant it to everything. in every way.
he’s clinging onto him as if his life depends on it and he shakes his head. “ i do so know my own name it’s moonsoo. “ he huffs out his words with a slight pout on his lips, they’re puckered and he’s gripping the boy close refusing to let go. his face still hidden away in what he felt like was the safety of joon. he always felt safe around him, even their last horrendous meeting he still had, although he didn’t show it of course. he clung on like he’d never clung to anything before. he frowns at the accusation about the drinking. “ i-i was coming here anyway don’t blame it on the alcohol seojoon. i was coming to see you. . way before i started drinking. . i just “ he breahes out “ i got sad. “ a hint of annoyance to his tone. he sighed feeling like maybe he should pull back away from him but he doesn’t, he’s warm, and he smells like home. his face pressed a bit more into the other boys neck. “ you smell nice. like home. “ he hums without much thought to it and he feels his eyebrows crinkle. “ so ? are you trying to say you haven’t missed me ? if you haven’t then thats too bad because i’m here now. “ he asks him and he smiles into his neck when his feels his arms around his own waist. “ i wanted to call. . “ he frowns as if hearing joon’s thoughts. “ but i didn’t know. . if you wanted me too. you said to but sometimes people say things like that and they don’t mean it and then sj text me twenty minutes ago when i got to the doors downstairs it took me so long to walk up here. the elevator isn’t working. “ he sighs and he closes his eyes, snuggling in closer if it was even possible. “ no. i know what i did. “ he frowns again, tears threatning to fall due to his over emotional state he was in. “ i’m sorry. . “ he breathed. “ i didn’t want to i promise. i really did think you would be happier. “ he frowned and then he realised how happy he was while he was cuddled into him. “ joonie. “ he whined, slightly shaking himself in his arms. “ yes i do. stop telling me i don’t. i do. i do. i do. i do. “ he repeated and he held him tighter. “ i’m not needing to sleep it off joon. i just need you ! “ he cries his fingers gently digging into his back and he’s holding onto him as if his life depends on it and he can feel joon holding him back. “ lets lay down. “ he feels dizzy but he manages to walk forward pushing joon with him over to the bed and topples them over onto the bed. once they are moonie scoots as close to him without thinking and he kisses his neck. “ i’m never letting you go ever again. i love you so much. “ he mutters into his skin, keeping his eyes closed over.
you’re here. he says the words as if they’re so obvious, as if joon is the one currently not making any sense for not understanding them sooner, and he isn’t what to feel about that. he knows that his heart does a little leap in his chest, however, but he chooses to ignore that. “ that’s a reason for you not to be here, if anything. ” he points out, a sigh passing his lips when moonie only doubles down on his conviction a second later. “ the guts to say what? ” he asks curiously, although the sound of moonie whining his name had already sealed his fate; there was no way he was turning him away now. “ your hiccups are very reassuring of just how sober you are. ” he murmurs sarcastically, more to himself, before letting out a soft hum to let moonie know that he was listening. he didn’t know how much of what he was saying was true, didn’t know which parts were genuine or exaggerated due to the alcohol in his system, but he could tell that he at least meant what he was saying now. “ I don’t know how you plan to prove any of that but .. I’ll give you a chance, at least. ” he decides, figuring that he has nothing to lose. other than the last remaining shreds of dignity he had, of course, but he’d give all of those up for the chance to see moonie for even a second anyway. “ god, how much did you have? ” he muses, when moonie begins assuring him that he needed him and that he was all he wanted. he knew, despite how much he wished that he didn’t, that sober moonie felt very differently.
“ very good. ” ending his praise with a familiar petname is almost too tempting, almost seems too plausible in the current moment, and he’d just barely been able to make himself swallow the ‘baby’ that had threatened to punctuate his sentence. a part of him wishes that he hadn’t. “ I’m impressed. but I still don’t think that means that you’re at your most knowledgeable at the moment. ” he shrugs, careful to not jostle moonie’s current position with his movements. and it’s only afterward, when he recognizes just how slowly he’d moved, that he realizes just how scared he is for this moment to end. even if it was only a casual embrace to the other boy, nothing more than a safe refuge from his drinking, it was so much more to him and he felt like one wrong move could scare moonie off all over again and leave him alone once more. “ you keep saying that you were sad. but you haven’t said why. can you tell me? ” fingers subconsciously tracing shapeless patterns against the fabric of moonie’s shirt where he holds him, he chooses to ignore moonie’s reassurance that he’d intended to visit him before the drinking; the thought of that seems like too much at the moment and he isn’t sure whether or not he can trust moonie’s drunk ramblings just yet, so he focuses on the sadness that had gotten them here instead. “ I do? ” the words come out breathless and uncertain, moonie referring to any part of him as home causing his brain to short-circuit. instead of actual thoughts, moonie saying like home plays on repeat instead. “ thanks. you smell nice too. ” it’s as close as he can bring himself to get to calling moonie home again as well, but he does allow himself to lean forward until his nose is just barely buried into the top of moonie’s hair. “ apart from all of the alcohol on you right now, of course. ” he teases, as he forces himself to pull away once more, and it isn’t until he feels his lips quirk up with the threat of a grin that he realizes just how long it’s been since he’d allowed himself to relax enough to actually tease moonie. the thought makes him both inexplicably happy and uncontrollably anxious and he isn’t quite sure what to do about either of those feelings. he settles on trying to pull back into himself again but it isn’t quite as successful as it had once been. “ I didn’t say that I didn’t miss you. ” he defends instinctively, brows drawn together as he suppresses a shiver at the feeling of moonie’s lips moving against his neck as he smiles. “ I just - it hasn’t been long, is all. and I just didn’t expect you to want to visit me so soon, I guess. ” he frowns then, when moonie seems to read his thoughts. “ it’s okay. you don’t have to call me or anything like that. I just thought, if you wanted to try to have a friendship of some sort or something, it might be nice. ” he tries to make the entire thing sound casual, as if his entire heart isn’t on the line with moonie’s decision to stay in contact with him or not, but it isn’t quite as convincing as he would’ve liked. “ but I’m sorry if SJ bothered you texting you like that. he’s .. an idiot. I’ll talk to him. ” he adds, already mentally preparing the speech that his best friend would receive later. “ no, don’t be. forget it. I shouldn’t have brought that up right now, I’m sorry. ” at the sight of tears welling up in moonie’s eyes, he realizes his mistake and quickly tries to backpedal. “ okay, okay. ” and then, before he even realized what he was doing, one of his hands had left moonie’s side to settle into his hair instead, gently combing his fingers through the strands as he tried to soothe him from the unexpected outburst. “ maybe you do. but I need you to tell me when you’re sober first before we talk about it, alright? ” it was a temporary solution, one that he knew he would find a way to explain his way around after if the time did come, but he just wanted to comfort moonie right now. “ I’m here already. you already have me. ” you always have, he wants to say.
“ what? what do you - ” before he can protest any further, he finds himself being pushed back towards his own bed, the shock of the action making him much more pliable. “ moonie, c’mon, you really should - ” his plea falls on deaf ears once more as his words get caught off with a soft huff of air as he finds himself falling back onto his bed instead. arm stretched out beside him after his fall, he doesn’t interfere when it ends up looped around moonie’s shoulders as the other boy falls onto the bed beside him. instead, he gently and subtly curls it further around him as he pulls him closer to his side. “ y’know, when I said that you needed to get some sleep, this wasn’t exactly what I meant. ” he’s contemplating how to explain the concept of shared beds to moonie, debating with himself on how and why he’s going to get moonie off of him to relocate to the couch, whenever he feels moonie’s lips brush softly against the side of his neck; all of his thoughts come to a halt. he wonders if he’d imagined it, if he’d misinterpreted the feeling of moonie simply brushing up against his skin, but there’s the distinct outline of goosebumps on his neck that reasons otherwise. “ moonie.. ” his voice comes out much closer to a whine that he’d intended, his hold on him tightening slightly. “ you shouldn’t - you shouldn’t do that. ” although the words had been intended to scold him, even he can hear how desperate they sound. his words plea for him to not torture him any further, to not give him everything he’d wanted so cruelly when he only intended to rip it all away from him come morning, and yet he feels that familiar and foolish hope bubble back to life in his chest regardless. and he hates it, hates how gullible he is, but the simple action is enough to sate his cold demeanor for the moment. “ you don’t have to let me go, though. I already told you I’ll be a part of your life again if you want that. ” as friends, his mind bitterly adds as he ignores moonie’s second drunk love declaration of the night.
for the past few days, moonie had done nothing but mope around. he hadn’t been at work… well he’d tried not to be the first few hours he had thrown himself back into instead of going home once he left the store. he had to fight every ounce of him not to call him. he doesn’t love you. he repeated that like a mantra, reminding himself that joon in fact didn’t love him and that he deserved to move on. how could he put him through more heartache like that when he’d done enough damage ? the boy sways slightly against the door as he rolls his head and watches sungjae walk off to his room, almost falling backward in fright when the door slammed.
he could hear joon shouting back but the words were muffled until they were closer to the door. “ yeahhhh… i drank. . a littl bit joonie. because i was really sad. i don’t know why i drank. . so much i shouldn’t have bu *hiccup* but i did. “ he mumbled his forehead pressing against the door and he closed his eyes over and he frowns letting out a louder whine than he intended to. “ it… it is the best time to talk joonbug “ he hummed, hiccuping half way through. “ it’s the… only time i’ll be- that i could be honest with you and my’slf “ he mumbled his lips practically up against the door and he rubs at his chest. “ don’t… send me away please. “ he breathes. his tone filled with panic. “ i need… we need to talk please ? “ he asks. when the door doesn’t open when he thinks it might, he frowned deeply and his eyes began to well up, tears brimming at the edges and threatning to fall over because this feels even through his drunken haze that it’s confirmation that joon didn’t want him. “ you told me to come talk. . i want to talk. “ he sighed deeply. his lips still pressing to the door and he closes his eyes over, the room spinning around him and he squeezes them shut. he knows this isn’t the best way to act yet here he is. a drunken mess.
hearing him talk moonie’s smile appeared back on his face and he leaned against the door, almost stumbling right in when joon finally opened it. but it didn’t stop him, it should have, the logical part of him screaming to stop and his whole body pressed against joon’s, arms wrapped tightly around his torso and his fingers gripped the back of the older boy’s shirt, his face burying into joon’s neck not giving the other boy a chance to push him away if he wanted too, and he was sure he’d fall over when joon did but right now he basked in it, his lips practically pressed against his skin. “ i know you. . “ hiccup. “ don’t love me anymore. “ another hiccup and he sighed out a breath. “ but i wanted to see you. “ his voice, still a little slurred, was full of complete honesty. “ i miss you so much, it hurts in here. “ although he pressed his finger into joon’s back, he meant his heart. “ i love you and i miss you. don’t push me away jus’… jus “ he hiccuped once more. “ let me hold you for a minutes okay ? just a minutes. . let me pretend it’s okay before you… push me away and realise… that you’re better off without me. i’m sorry. “ his voice is thick, with tears and emotion that he can’t hold back “ i love you jooniebug. “
joon had spent the last few days in his bed with his heart broken yet again and yet moonie can still get him weak without even trying. even the sound of his voice, slurred and padded by the door between them, is enough to have joon ready and willing to give him anything he wants in the blink of an eye. and he hates it, hates how pathetic he feels over something that would’ve once made him so happy. and he knows that he should just send moonie away, knows that he should spare himself the inevitable pain that is sure to come from keeping him around, but he can’t bring himself to do it. because, despite everything, he’s still so in love with him that it hurts. and, no matter the cause of what had gotten him here, he wanted to see him. so, instead, he pressed himself closer to the door separating them and welcomed the torture of being so close to everything that he wanted while also knowing that he could never truly have it again. at least, for now, he could pretend.
“ it’s fine that you had a few drinks. I just - what are you doing here afterward? ” he closes his eyes at the sound of moonie’s whine reaching his ears, letting out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding as he forces himself to not immediately give in. “ doesn’t that say something though? that you can’t be honest with me unless you’re drunk first? ” his own voice is soft then and he can hear the defeat in his own words, although he hopes that moonie’s clouded mind won’t be sharp enough to pick up on it currently. “ because if you’re just going to tell me things that you won’t remember or mean in the morning, I don’t think now is the best time to talk. ” hearing moonie’s pleas to just give him a chance, he has to physically step back from the door to keep himself from giving him exactly what he’s asking for. he doesn’t mean it, he reminds himself, it’s just the alcohol talking; he repeats both of those sentiments like a mantra in his head and yet all of it comes crumbling down the moment moonie tosses his own words back at him. “ I did tell you that, didn’t I? fine. we can talk. but not for long, you need sleep, okay? ” his hand settles on the doorknob then, twisting it open before he can change his mind.
knowing just what a lightweight moonie was, and how easily he lost almost all of his usual coordination after only a few drinks, he should’ve expected him to fall forward the moment he’d opened the door. too caught up in his own thoughts, however, he hadn’t. and he couldn’t help but stumble back a little bit when moonie latched onto him. the rational part of his mind was quick to remind him that it was nothing more than him seeking the balance he’d clearly lost, while the hopeful side of him clung desperately to the details; moonie burying his face into the crook of his neck, so close that the hairs on the back of his neck stood up instinctively, didn’t help him with his balance, after all. “ you know that? please, you barely know your own name right now. ” he scoffed, unable to help himself from feeling a little hurt at moonie’s accusation. “ but I’m sure you did. I usually down a whole bottle of wine before I go to see the people I want to see as well. ” despite the implication that he didn’t quite believe moonie’s pleas, his arms had circled around moonie’s waist without his permission and he’d drug him closer to him without even realizing it. and, as he felt moonie’s finger dig into his back on accident, he felt the corner’s of his lips twitch with the threat of an endeared smile that he just barely suppressed. “ it’s only been a few days since you saw me last, I’m sure you haven’t missed me that much. ” not enough to call or try to see him again, at least. “ wait. before I decide I’m better off without you? did you drink so much that you forgot you’re the one who decided that? ” he turned his gaze down toward moonie, the flicker of anger in his tone fizzling out immediately at the sight of him. he sighed softly instead, his fingers gathering the fabric of moonie’s shirt between them as he made a weak effort of attempting to pull him off. it only ended in him holding him tighter, however, and he wasn’t sure that was an accident. “ I’m only pushing you away because you’re drunk, moonie. you’re going to regret all of this tomorrow as it is, I don’t want to make it worse. ” it stung to admit aloud but he felt the need to defend his actions, since moonie seemed convinced otherwise. “ stop. you don’t. like I said, you’re just drunk and you need to sleep it off. trust me. ”
moonie stumbled his way to the apartment, it’s been a few days… or has it ? since he’d seen joon in the store. and it took him until he got home and wept for while to realise what joon was actually doing. or for him to realise that he wanted to fix it all and just tell joon that was. . wasn’t enough. he hiccuped as he finally reached the door he had been going for and he knocked on it. “ joooooon. “ he sings outand when the door opens, the drunken dancer almost stumbled in, sj standing before him he was scowling and he turned tugging moonie’s hand into the apartment before he closed the door over and led moonie towards the bedroom door. sj called. “ seojoon get your ass out here you’ve got a visitor. “ he held moonie’s shoulders so he wouldn’t fall over. “ when i invited you, i didn’t mean for you to be fucking drunk, moonsoo. “ sj muttered. “ sorrree “ moonie frowns at him and he blinked. “ i was. . already a lil drunk when you texeded me. “ moonie was smiling, and he wasn’t sure at what.
he swayed on his feet and when he thought there was movement, moonie moved forward. “ joon. “ he whined again. eyes wide and his teeth showing due to the large smile on his face and he was held back but he moved to joon’s bedroom door and leaned against it. “ joonie “ he called knocking on the door, his voice was slurred due to being drunk. “ joonie i wanna talk please “ he breathed closing his eyes as he leaned against the door. “ can we talk please. “ his forehead pressed against the door he breathed heavily against it.
“ seojoon ! “ sj shouted, and he banged on the door. “ i’m going to bed, sort your shit out man, seriously. stop avoiding it “ and with that the other boy had turned and had already gone into his room. “ joonie. “ moonie hiccuped as he knocked on he door, a full pout on his face as he waited for joon to answer.
@itshighjccn
joon wasn’t sulking. he wasn’t. he was just laying in his bed with the covers brought all the way up to his chin. and, even if he only left that position long enough to go to work or fetch food, it wasn’t sulking. he was just relaxing and, despite his roommate’s attempts to convince him otherwise, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it had been days since he’d seen or heard from moonie. it was what he had expected, after all. moonie and him hadn’t talked since their breakup and there was no reason to expect that to change now that they’d had one reunion in a grocery store. even if moonie had told him that he loved him, it didn’t change anything. he’d probably just done exactly what joon had expected and realized that he hadn’t meant any of it in the first place. which was fine. he was fine and sj had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.
pulling the blankets further up his body, he settled further into them with a sigh as he attempted to direct his attention to the video that had been playing mindlessly on his phone for the past twenty minutes. however, he’d just finally managed to get his thoughts to stop long enough to actually hear what the person on the screen was saying when sj’s voice cut through it all. he groaned. “ I told you I’m not feeling well, just tell them I’ll call them later! ” he called through the door, dismissing the visitor easily. he went back to the video playing beside him instead, as the sound of indistinct chatter picked up somewhere in the living room and he assumed that sj had given into his plea. the next voice to reach his ears, however, had him immediately sitting up in his bed and flicking his gaze to the door. “ moonie? ” he stood then, his phone long forgotten on his bed, and moved to the door. just as his hand settled on the doorknob to turn it and allow the other boy inside, moonie was speaking again and the new lack of distance between them gave him the chance to hear the slur in his words. he deflated at the sound, dropping his forehead against the wood of the door in front of him. “ you’ve been drinking. ” it wasn’t a question, more so an accusation, and he wasn’t sure why he was so disappointed that alcohol had been moonie’s inspiration for visiting. “ I don’t think now is the best time to talk. you should just go home and sober up instead. ”
he was about to turn and head back to his bed, suddenly more tired than he’d been before, when sj’s voice cut through all of it to let him know that moonie was in his care now. “ sungjae. ” he voice was half-warning, half-plea, but both fell on deaf ears as he heard the sound of sj’s room door slamming shut only moments later followed quickly by the sound of moonie’s whining on the other side of his own. he sucked in a deep breath before reluctantly opening the door. “ what are you doing here, moonie? ”
greyson offered a chuckle at the other, “i would hope if i had done something to offend any weather god, they’d have the decency to let me know what i’d done.” though he could hardly imagine what he could ever do, all he did was live a normal, non weather god angering life. he hoped. grey shook his head at the other, another laugh tumbling from his lips, “are you sure? maybe they’ve decided to be angry again.” gods were fickle, after all, weren’t they? reaching out, he shook the other’s hand, realizing he still hadn’t even offered his name, “i’m greyson,” offered he, glancing up at the sky before replying, “i can’t say that sounds too terrible of an idea, any place near by you can think of?” he didn’t have his car, the convenience of living downtown and going places there meant he never really needed to drive.
joon offered the other boy a small smile in return, equal parts surprised and amused with how easily and willingly he had played along with him so far. he thought most people would’ve dropped a conversation circling around angry gods with a stranger much quicker than this boy had and, although that wasn’t necessarily something he’d ever considered before this specific conversation, he found himself endeared by the fact regardless. “ suppose it could be a bit hard to get in touch with people when you’re a god though, hm? might not be entirely fair to expect such open communication from them. ” he pointed out before chuckling softly. he couldn’t imagine anything he’d done could be bad enough to earn such negative karma from any upset weather gods but he played along regardless, glancing up to the sky above them anxiously before letting his gaze fall back onto the boy in front of him. “ you’re right. I knew that I shouldn’t have jaywalked on my way here. my bad. ” hand outstretched between them, he shook the other boy’s hand quickly before offering him a polite smile. “ nice to meet you. ” he returned, letting their hands fall apart shortly after as he began thinking of any places nearby. “ a few. ” he decided, “ there’s a cafe with danishes to die for, a bar, and a coffee shop with the best coffee in the whole town. there’s also a few restaurants down that way too, if you’re hungrier. anything sound good to you? ”
she winced a little, being a person who was particularly clumsy she often found herself doing something that would result in a bruise the next morning. she spent half her life explaining away various bruises, bumps, scars from moments where she was graceless. some suggested maybe she make up stories behind some of the scars, like the one that stretched across her wrist from a burn after she’d been messing around, but in reality she would forget the lies and get caught out. she took a moment or two to recollect her thoughts, and gather her papers, the coffee a lost cause she noted with a sigh. glancing up at the voice, she sighed. “It wouldn’t be the first time I bit it in front of a crowd.” she admitted with a sigh.
joon watched her collect the scattered papers around her, sympathetic to the sight. he was clumsy by nature, a fact that had gotten him into a few eerily similar situations. and, although he had gotten better at catching himself before actually falling these days, it had taken more falls and embarrassments to get there than he could count. “ oh, I think everyone has a story about falling in front of a crowd. ” he agreed easily, hoping that his own falls could actually provide some comfort for once. “ either that or that’s just something I’ve convinced myself to feel better about how often I’ve done exactly that. ” he added, playfully, before glancing toward the ruined cup of coffee at her side. “ can I get you another coffee? ” he offered, after determining that her previous one was already a lost cause.
sj rolls his eyes. “ despite what you may think. yes i do. “ he says and he acts pouty instead and he smiled when joon pushed his hand away. he smiles, glad that he’s at least helping him be a little smiley in such a shitty situation and that’s all he wants to do. “ i’m just cute all round. “ he scoffs and then he rolled his eyes. “ as if i’d ever be sick of you and your cuddles. they happen to be my favourite. “ he pointed out and he stops pouting the moment he’s promised cuddles and he offers a grin instead. “ good it’s been what ? six hours ? “ he jokes and he glanced at the phone wrinkling his nose when it interuppted but glad because it notified them their food would be with them shortly. his nose wrinkles again but this time it’s bordering on a frown. “ what ex are we referring too ? “ he plays dumb. because he’s not sure it’s a subject he wants to invest in right now when joon needs to rant. “ oh that ex. right. “ he snorts and he pushes himself back against the couch and he looks over at joon and tilts his head. “ why would you wanna talk about her ? “ he asked. “ i know. i know. but sometimes you make me wonder, man. sometimes i just dunno with you where i stand when it comes to food. “ he shrugs and of course he’s back to his playful demeanour. because that’s how it should be. “ i’ll still be pushing people or things off of stuff if i feel threatned joonie. “
“ we both know i’d never do that to you. “ he grins all the same and he slaps at the hand joon had placed on his own chest and tuts at him. “ you don’t need to apologise, joonie. i promise. i understand. i just don’t want you to feel like that’s what you need to do. because it’s not, i promise. “ he says and he smiled at him. “ and if you ever apologise to me for being low at times when you need someone, IE me, there. i will kick your ass. that’s not something you should ever apologise to me for. you’re there for me, i’m here for you. it’s how it works. we’re best friends, you doughball. “ he shakes his head and sj watches him as he continues running his fingers through joon’s hair, just to give the boy some comfort. he does deserve that. he massages the scalp and he nods. “ i guess i understand that, but i don’t think so. “ he hums. “ i’ve never seen someone look at another person the way he looked at you, joon. it was sickening to watch “ he pretend gags and then becomes serious again. “ and i’m not saying that because i’m your best friend. it’s genuine. i mean it whole heartedly. he loves you. and you love him. don’t you think that’s… i don’t know worth fighting for ? as cliche and cheesy as that may be. “ he said and he pulled joon a little closer. he understands where joon’s coming from, because he knows how difficult it is. “ i know i can talk to you. i promise, i do. it’s… not something i’d ever hide from you. “ he promised and he ruffled his hair a little but still held him close. “ you know i don’t think i’m right. i am right. on this anyway. i just don’t want to see you let oppertunities slip by you and you regret them months or years down the line. “ he said and he nodded. “ you are stubborn, joonie. “ he smiled softly and then he hummed for a minute. not surprised when joon buried his face into his chest, sj wrapped his arms around him and held him. “ i think we both know it’s not gone. “ he muttered into the other boy’s hair. “ i wouldn’t say you were clinging onto it either, it’s not something you just get over. believe me. “ he’d had his heart broken more than once, but one more fresher than the rest and he knew how hard this was how much wanting to hold onto it was and how hard letting go was. “ if i could keep you here, with me, safe and never to be heart broken again. i would do it in a heartbeat. “ he promised.
“ cute that you think I’m humble enough to think that you don’t miss me all the time. ” joon teases in return, although the concept of someone truly enjoying his constant company as much as his roommate seemed to was genuinely something that he struggled to wrap his mind around. “ don’t worry, though. you know I always come back to you. ” he reassured him, reaching over to playfully ruffle sj’s hair as he notices the pout come across the other boy’s features. “ ah, cute all round? I don’t know. you’re alright, I guess. ” he shrugs, faux noncommittal tone to his words, although the smile tugging at the corners of his lips gives away just how fond of him he really was. “ your favorite? I’ve had some pretty intense cuddle competition in the past, so I’m honored to finally take the crown. ” noticing the pout finally slip away from sj’s features, he can’t help but finally crack a smile of his own. “ yes, six whole hours since you’ve had a proper cuddle with me and I’m amazed that you haven’t just completely moved out by now with all of this neglect, honestly. ” he teases, brow rising with the soft ping of sj’s phone interrupting the conversation before assuming that it signaled them being one step closer to the snacks that he craved at the moment. he turned his questioning gaze onto sj instead, as he played dumb over which ex he’d decided to talk about. “ oh, I don’t know. maybe the only ex that I’ve actually seen you ever sulk over? ” he’s teasing, of course, and it’s obvious by the grin on his face. sj was surprisingly tight-lipped when it came to his past relationships. he didn’t mind, if it was simply something that sj wanted to keep to himself, but he still found himself wanting to give him a space to talk if he wanted it. “ I just want to make sure you’re alright. you listen to me rant and whine all the time. I want to do the same for you if you need it. ” he explained his motives. “ sorry but I’ve got to keep you on your toes somehow, haven’t I? ” he was glad that shifting between topics was so easy with sj, that it was so effortless to flip back and forth between semi-serious conversation and lighthearted teasing. it made everything comfortable, made everything feel safe, and he was so grateful for that. “ oh, I believe you. which is why I think we should probably start making anyone who visits sign some sort of injury waver, so we’re not responsible for any medical costs that come as a result of your jealousy. ”
“ well, we certainly thought that you wouldn’t, at least. before you proved otherwise. ” he taunts, a smile settled comfortably on his lips as he allows his hand to fall from his chest once more. “ thank you. ” he murmurs simply, overwhelmed with just how lucky he was to have someone like sj beside him. it didn’t seem like something he deserved, having a best friend as unconditionally supportive as him, but he was grateful all the same. “ and I promise no more apologies for asking you to be there for me. because that is not a fight that I need. we both know you could kick my ass without even trying. ” he laughs softly, happy to find that sj’s fingers stayed settled in his hair as he spoke. it was exactly the comfort that he needed for a conversation that put him so instinctively on edge. “ yeah. looked. past tense. ” he points out stubbornly, although he can’t deny the fluttering of his heart that had started with just the thought of someone else thinking moonie had ever looked at him like he was something special. “ I didn’t know you were such a cheeseball. ” he teases, nudging his nose against the crook of sj’s neck playfully before turning serious again. “ but of course he’s worth fighting for. if he still loves me and if there’s something between us to still save, which I’m not so sure he does or there is. I already made a fool out of myself not noticing anything before he broke up with me, I don’t want to do it all over again by not reading the signs and fighting for something that isn’t there, you know? ” losing moonie once had nearly been enough to completely undo him, he didn’t think he could handle having him break his heart twice. even if he wanted to give into the hope of something lingering between them, he knew that he had to tread carefully. and perhaps he was taking that caution a little too far, being a little too removed, but he couldn’t help it. “ good. because you may be able to kick my ass but I will not hesitate to withhold any and all cuddles if I find out you’ve been going through something and didn’t let me at least try to help. ” he threatened playfully, his arms tightening around him. “ I know. I don’t want to regret anything either. but I also don’t even know if moonie is going to want to talk to me ever again after today, so I may not have a choice. ” he huffed at being called stubborn, although he didn’t bother trying to refute the claim. “ it’s not gone for me, I know that much. ” voice soft, he allowed himself to admit the obvious as he relaxed happily into sj’s embrace. “ but you’re right. breakups are dumb. ” he simplifies both of their difficulties to let go of people, a half-laugh following afterward. “ I would do the same, though. If I could, I’d keep it just you and I. but I guess I’ll have to settle for cuddling and fighting anyone who hurts you instead. ”
moonie really isn’t there to rub things in his face, he does want to fix things. and he knows why joon’s making it so difficult and he can’t blame him for pushing him out and away as far as he can. he’d done this. he’d hurt joon first. his chest feels like it’s being weighed down especially at the ‘ i am now. ‘ response that joon gives him and he stares at him nodding slowly. he wasn’t just anyone. he’d never be just a n y o n e to moonie. just anyone was someone passing them by in the store or in the street, there was far too many situations and memories for joon to be just anybody to him. but he didn’t say any of this out loud. the reality of joon finally maybe having actually moved on settling into moonie’s mind. the words however still hurt him despite that. and he can’t make this feeling disappear, can’t quite shake it. all moonie can do is stare over at him and he nods slowly, unsure if he’s even doing it. isn’t important anymore. that stings too, more than moonie would like but here he is. he’s officially hit pathetic because he’s still trying to get it through to joon that he loves him. his emotions boil over when joon tells him he’s confused. hurt written over his face, because he’s not the first person to tell him that. “ don’t. . say i’m confused. joon. i’m not. . i’m not confused. “ his voice shakes as he says it because he hates being told that, his father had said it so many times over the last month and moonie didn’t know if he could even bare to hear it again, especially not from joon even if it is in a different context because he knows joon doesn’t mean it like THAT but it still hurts him all the same. and he watches joon look away, and he really doesn’t know what to say to him anymore. he’s not sure if he’s taking anything in. he doesn’t have a comeback for any of that because he knows himself that none of it is true. it won’t fade, it hasn’t and it won’t. had it faded for joon ? had he realised that he didn’t actually love moonie anymore ? “ i’m trying to tell you i do want to be with you. that i do love you. “ he breathes out. “ and you’re not… listening to me. “ he sighs and despite feeling that joon’s being a little honest he can’t respond to it, because now he feels guilty. if he’d thought for a second that joon would have answered him, he would have called, in a heartbeat. he wanted too the moment he’d walked out the damn door.
moonie just wanted all this to stop, for it to go back to how it was. he needed it to stop, and it didn’t seem like it was going to. not now and not ever and it was frustrating that he couldn’t fix it. he wished things could be easily fixed. but he’d broken joon’s heart, how was that just so fixable. but deep down he’s beginning to believe that of course it’s not. joon’s not accepting any of his apologies, really, and despite how much it’s hurting him, he has to accept that. if joon didn’t want them, he didn’t need to take them. the words make moonie feel somewhat exhausted. “ because it’s my fault. “ he shrugs. he’s not even sure if he’s spoken them out loud. but he knows he needs to the blame for it, none of this was joon’s fault. the leaving, the hurt, all of it was his. because he couldn’t be open, was too afraid, and now he was he didn’t have the one person he wanted to share that with. he feels the stares and at this point he really can’t bring himself to care. the only person he cares about in this place is standing right in front of him and he doesn’t know what to do. he feels like this is lost to him and he wants to reign it in before it becomes too much for either of them to deal with. so he was uncertain of what he was supposed to say or do. an apology only seemed like the right thing when joon accepted it, and he didn’t expect him to, not now and not ever. he’d hurt him, moonie didn’t deserve to have joon take his apology. he opens his mouth to try and stop joon from apologising but joon accepted his… or made it seem like he had. he hadn’t brushed it off this time so moonie just gives a little nod instead. he doesn’t know what this is, but one thing feels certain is that this seems to much worse to him than actually leaving. because this feels final. a goodbye. not good per say but a bye nonetheless. one he doesn’t want. not again. because this one is final.
he’d cried in front of joon before, not over something like this though. it had never been sad tears. always happy or tears from laughter when he couldn’t control it anymore and they just cant naturally. the silence between the two of them is crushing him, because it makes everything that more painfully clear and moonie doesn’t want to accept it. the fact that joon doesn’t love him anymore. but he knows he needs too, knows he needs to give joon’s own heart that chance to heal and move on fro when he broke it. so the least he can do is let him move on. instead of standing here telling him he loves him, when it’s not the same. when he was the one to walk out on them, end them. though as much as he’s ready to leave his feet remained glued to the ground and he’s avoiding joon’s gaze and he’s avoiding everybody elses because he knows if he looks at someone he’s a goner, so he keeps them trained on his converse. because it’s the only thing that’s stopping him from just bursting out into tears. and he keeps reminding himself. this is all his own fault. it’s the deafening silence between the two of them that does really get him and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do, but leaving is his only option. he doesn’t need the stuff he’s picked up, can’t bare to be in the store anymore. ‘ you shouldn’t.’ finally makes him look back at him, even if it’s brief. just one little glance and he’s got to look away again, the clipped and disinterested tone makes moonie’s heart feels like it’s completely shattered and he doesn’t know much on how to fix that. he’s not interested anymore. moonie repeats it like a mantra in his head, hurting his own feelings as he does. and he still can’t look at him, not out of anything other than humiliation and embarrassment because if he knows anything, it’s his own fault. his chest aches and makes him feel like he’s sinking but he tries his best not to show it. it’s not even that he doesn’t want to be friends with him, at this point he just wants joon in his life but he understands how difficult that would be for the other boy. he stops just as he goes to turn, but doesn’t completely look joon in the eyes because he can’t, in fact he doesn’t properly look him in the face, he’s staring at the shelves in front of him and there are tears threatening to fall over and one does before he can blink it back. he doesn’t know if he can respond to joon’s words without them sounding pathetic. so he raises his shoulders in what was meant to be a shrug instead when joon responded to his apology. he knows he can’t keep apologising because he knows it’s obviously not something joon wants to hear. he doesn’t believe him, he knows he’s bothering him and he can’t anymore. so he’s not sure what to say, or how to speak because too scared they’ll show whatever emotion he’s feeling in them and joon doesn’t deserve that anymore, he deserves the happiness moonie couldn’t give him. and he isn’t sure if they can be aquantinces either so instead of completely agreeing because he knows he can’t. he opts with a quiet almost barely audible “ okay. “ nodding, and answer quick, because he isn’t sure he can answer him properly. the shaking of his voice is something he hopes isn’t noticeable. though he doesn’t know if he can do that, joon needs to move past it and if he doesn’t love him anymore then all he needs is time to keep going. so moonie can’t possibly just walk up to him like he’s done today. not again. so this feels much more like a goodbye than something he’s trying to fix. not realising that all joon is doing is clinging on. “ bye seojoon. “ his voice, without him even meaning it, cracks halfway through his goodbye and he turns away completely feeling defeated and like he’d just given up.
hearing moonie’s voice after all of their time apart, hearing him rehash memories and emotions that he’d worked so hard to bottle up, was devastating. especially when the things that moonie talked so easily about were things that he knew he could never have again. everything that the other boy mentioned was just out of his reach, taunting him with what could’ve been if things had been different - if he had been different. however, it isn’t until joon is faced with moonie’s silence that he realizes just how much worse that is. because moonie’s silence is somehow louder than anything, the heavy weight of the unsaid between them stinging worse than any cruel reminder he could’ve given him in it’s place. it allows him a chance for his mind to fill in the blanks, his thoughts immediately jumping to self-deprecating conclusions that seem convinced moonie’s nods had been nothing short of a confirmation that he wasn’t anyone special to him anymore, and he hates it. hates it enough that he’s almost relieved to see emotion flare up on moonie’s expression again a moment later, welcoming the quick shift away from the uncertainty of silence. his relief is short lived as he quickly recognizes the hurt written across his features, however. he isn’t sure what he’s done to put it there, isn’t sure what he’s said to cause the shake in moonie’s voice, but he has a few guesses based off of what he did know. each guess has him feeling angry and protective in ways that he has no right to any longer but he ignores that, reminding himself that moonie probably has someone new to watch over him if needed and breaking his own heart in the process. “ okay. you’re right, you’re not confused. you know what you feel better than anyone. ” he finds himself offering him disguised comfort despite his better judgement before shrugging to play it off. “ you’re just ... going to find that your feelings change very soon when it comes to me, I think. ” he attempts a better phrasing of his previous thought, only to find himself zeroed in on moonie’s next words instead. ‘I do want to be with you’. the words left his lips unfairly easily, as if they hadn’t been bouncing around in joon’s dreams for months, and it takes every ounce of self control he has to not immediately give into the tempting lure of them. he doesn’t mean it, he reminds himself. he wouldn’t have left if he wanted to be with you. the words repeat like a mantra in his mind, steeling himself before hope can bubble foolishly in his chest. “ I am listening, moonie. ” he sighs and he can’t help the genuine frustration laced in his words. “ but I’m also being realistic. and you wanting me back suddenly after leaving me in the first place and making no effort to get in contact with me afterward? it doesn’t make sense. ” perhaps it’s a little harsh to lay moonie’s actions so openly in front of him but he’s trying to make him understand.
he should feel satisfied, hearing moonie take all of the blame for what had happened between them. it should’ve sated him to know that the other boy at least knew what he’d done to him, to them. but it didn’t. instead, he can’t get himself to feel anything but regret; regret for not being enough to make moonie stay in the first place, regret for letting moonie walk out the door without at least trying to stop him, regret for not disguising his broken heart better. despite everything, he wanted nothing more than for moonie to be happy. and living with the heavy guilt of what had transpired between them certainly couldn’t make him happy. he could only imagine how much moonie had beat himself up over the decision, how many times he’d felt guilt for putting himself first and leaving him to be happier on his own. he hated the thought of it, wanted to make sure that moonie at least got the happy ending he deserved out of all of this. “ you can’t make yourself feel something you don’t anymore. ” he dismisses his acceptance of all of the responsibility, choosing to put it onto something out of both of their control instead. it’s easier to swallow that way, to think of it as something that neither of them could’ve stopped or fixed. it hurts a little more that way too, though. because if there was nothing they could’ve done to stop it or fix it then, it makes the moment in front of him seem helplessly inevitable as well. and, with the finality in the air between them, he desperately doesn’t want to believe that.
it felt like a nightmare. standing in front of moonie while he refused to drag his gaze away from his converse for even a split second, the complete and overwhelming silence around them broken only by the soft uneven pattern of both of their breaths, so much space between them that he wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to touch him even if he stretched his arm out to do so; it all felt so far from what they had once been that it seemed almost impossible. he wanted it all to be impossible, wanted to pinch himself and wake back up to a time when rolling over in the morning meant burying his nose into the morning mess of moonie’s hair instead of sinking directly into the cold emptiness of his mattress. and he wanted to believe that it wasn’t his fault, that he hadn’t been the one to turn them into the mess that they currently were, but he knew that wasn’t entirely true. as much as he wanted to avoid it, he’d had a role in getting them to where they were as well - a fact that was painfully unavoidable when moonie’s gaze flickered to him for only a few seconds before darting away eagerly again. even that short duration of attention had been enough for him to see the hurt in his eyes, to see the pain that he had caused. his stomach sank with the guilt of it but before he could do anything about it, moonie was turning his back on him and his heart leapt in his throat as his fingers tightened almost painfully around the handle of his long forgotten basket to keep himself from reaching out for him. he couldn’t blame him for leaving this time, couldn’t hold it against him for wanting to call it quits; his own instincts had been telling him to run since the moment he’d seen the other boy, his own stubborn desire to just hear his voice again the only thing that had stopped him. however, understanding why he was leaving didn’t make it any easier to watch the all too familiar scene unfold. but, just as his heart braces itself for the impact of him walking away, moonie stops and stays instead and foolish hope bubbles back to life in his chest. it’s temporary, he reminds himself. it’s only a matter of time until he leaves again, only a matter of time until he’s left with nothing but yet another memory of moonie turning away from him. despite all of that, he still finds himself clinging to the fact that he’s here now, hanging off of his every word in ways that has him feeling newly pathetic. “ right. okay. ” he doesn’t know when such a short, simple word had become so devastating. he wasn’t even sure what it meant, whether moonie had just agreed to keep in touch with him or if he’d just dismissed his plea entirely, and yet it takes nothing more than the half-whispered tone of moonie’s voice saying it to nearly bring him to his knees with apologies. he just wanted to make it stop, wanted to wipe the unshed tears from moonie’s eyes before they could fall, but he didn’t know how or if that was even something that moonie wanted. he’d never felt so lost in the other boy’s presence and yet he stays, feet glued to the ground and eyes glued to moonie as if his subconscious still foolishly hopes for something to change and refuses to let him leave until it’s proven wrong - yet again. it’s only once his view is nothing but the expanse of moonie’s back, broad and unforgiving, that he forces past the lump in his throat to say the words that he’d dreaded since the moment he’d seen him again. “ bye, moonie. ” his eyes sting with the threat of tears once the words are finally off of his lips, the reality of another goodbye settling heavily on his shoulders, and yet he still can’t bring himself to look away.
With almost 14 years of being a grifter professionally under her Gucci belt, Loreleya was able to make anyone think she was from practically anywhere. Like right now, she was seeming to listen to a gentleman who was clearly lonely and who had money to blow. As far as he knew, she was a French model in between shoots at the moment, looking for a drinking partner. He’d offered to buy her whatever she wanted, and she accepted only after he’d offered twice. She didn’t want to come off as if she’d been expecting he would pay for her drink, that would be suspicious. She followed the rule; order something expensive enough to enjoy yourself, but not so expensive where it discourages the mark from buying more than one drink. So, sipping her wine, she appeared to be sad when he stood to leave, which prompted him to give her 2 hundred dollar bills to cover her tab. Lore pocketed one of them, and turned to the person next to her, not wanting to go home just yet. “Next round’s on me love.”
joon usually isn’t one to eavesdrop. however, he also isn’t usually one to drink and the wine glass settled comfortably against the bar in front of him serves as a tangible reminder that tonight isn’t like most nights for him. he’d been looking for an escape, something to distract him, and the close proximity of the stools lined up against the bar had given him just that as they’d made it almost impossible not to listen in on the exaggerated stories the girl had been telling the guy beside her for the last hour or so. he’d believed each of the stories himself, until she’d been left with almost half the cost of his rent as a parting gift. suddenly, the stories seemed much more calculated than they had originally. “ okay, you have got to teach me how to do that. ” if he hadn’t already had a few drinks before her attention had turned to him, he would’ve never made such a statement. however, the pleasant buzz beneath his skin made it much more difficult to filter out the things that he usually wouldn’t say aloud.
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