So… I don’t know who else to turn to… All my life I have been referred to as Female, but my traits weren’t exactly feminine. I would prefer the more masculine over the feminine when it came to clothes, toys, activities, and ever the way I act. My mom hated the fact that I was so boyish, forcing me into dresses, trying to make wear makeup, trying to get me to fix my hair, etc.
Now… I have been able to be who I want to be, but I don’t know what that is. My girlfriend asked me a serious question a few weeks ago that has me confused, stressed, and even considering things that I never thought was an option before until I left my home state. She asked “Do you feel more comfortable with male or gender neutral pronouns? Do you want to have top surgery someday?” Now… I know that is a big jump, as many have told me, so I put the surgery part on the back burner… but it threw me through a loop.
I roleplay on blogs and cosplay men a lot… really more then female, and during those times… I’m comfortable. I binder carefully with an actual binder. I make my makeup look more masculine… and I like it. When I’m just me, I tend to wear more gender neutral… just jeans and a t-shirt or sweater, and sometimes a jacket. I may have like… three things that are really feminine in my closet and that’s when I have to dress like that but I hate to.
So… now I wonder… am I really female? Or am I fluid? Neutral? I don’t mind being called “she or her” as I’m used to it… but when someone calls me “them or they” or even “he, him” I tend to freeze. Like something is settling into my head that maybe those are more correct… and it makes me stress out.
I guess it doesn’t help that I diagnosed with Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety.. but up until recently, I have had a grip on that. Now… now I don’t know what to do or who I am… or even what my true name is.
Sorry about the rant… I just really needed to vent. Can you help me?
It’s kinda cool, your story sounds so much like my own (except reverse bc I’m a trans girl). Those are some big, complex questions, and when I first discovered I was trans and had those questions racing through my mind I was so overwhelmed. As someone who also has bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety, I understand that my next statement is not the easiest thing to do, but if you can at all I’d reccomend answering to yourself and others “I’m not sure, that’s a question for later.” Pronouns and names are such odd things, arbitrarily gendered but also so ingrained in certain cultures. They don’t necessarily reflect your gender identity but they can. It’s stressful and scary, I went into a deep dark depression and identity crisis for two solid weeks upon finding out, then continued to have waves of them throughout the next year. Take it slow, remind yourself that no matter what name/pronouns/gender you have/are, you are valid and going to be fine. Maybe you’re full-on male, maybe you’re agender, or demi-boy, or genderfluid, that might take a while to find out - and that’s okay, too. For me personally I had to spend months researching the depths of gender and the nuances and then how I perceived gender for myself and felt about it. I identify as genderfluid trans-feminine, I am a trans girl, but sometimes I shift to male, agender, bigender, or back to female. It’s weird but also pretty awesome at times. Here’s a great flowchart that helped me discover my identity, it perhaps could be of use to you. https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/flowchart I always welcome rants and venting and will do my best to help. If nothing I say makes sense, you need clarification, or any other reason, feel free to send some more asks. this blog gets a pretty manageable amount of asks so it’s not like you’ll be burdening me or anything.
