[prohaloplayer-deactivated202601]

just jerked off and killed myself but im feeling better now can we still go on a walk tonight

[moonlitboy]

“and nothing says that you must say hello as we pass in the street, but we have known each other too well in the dark for this and it hurts me when you do not speak.”

— Audre Lorde, from “The dozens,” The Collected Poems of Audre Lorde (via lifeinpoetry)

[books-n-quotes]

“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”

— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

[cinemaphileadict]

Comet (2014) directed by Sam Esmail

[babyoaf]

“but i am running into a new year and i beg what i love and i leave to forgive me”

— Lucille Clifton, from ‘I am Running Into a New Year’  (via soracities)

[picklenickels]

[moonlitboy]

i think back on it and remember you so fucking vividly. how could you do this to me.

i can’t breathe. i can’t breathe.

i’ll miss you for my whole fucking life. did you know? did you know this would tear me apart? i know it’s selfish, i know you were hurting but you promised me. and how fucking hard could it have been to keep. you should’ve stayed. you could’ve. i would have carved out everything in me just to make space for you.

i’m so sorry i dragged you down. so young and so good and your eyes were so fucking blue i’m so sorry i taught you how to sink. i hope you don’t think of me.

but i do. oh my god i do. do you remember? the first day? laying in my bed. first kiss. white sheets. do you remember the power going out? dancing in front of my bedroom window. you said this was your favorite fucking song. do you remember new years? heat in my stomach, do you remember every single night. held in your arms. holding something precious. loving something for the very first time. do you remember denver? do you remember me. my name. my voice. the poems, the words. the six hour phone calls. do you remember me at all? please. please.

it’s been 5 years and i’m still fucking dying. it hurts worse than it did the day i found out. i miss you like a secret. i keep myself sick with the thought of you. keep myself down. head under the water. my god, i miss everything. no one needs to know, but i remember it all. you laugh after every kiss. you sing along unapologetically. you memorize lyrics. i remember your favorite song. remember your breath, your smile. met our favorite band together. do you remember the set list? i can still hear you singing December. i still listen to it.

i miss you so much. how could you fucking do this to me. i don’t know how to do it anymore.

always say i’m obsessed with nostalgia but its because you only exist in the past. are you okay now? did you heal? are you better? because if the pain still rips you apart then what is the point? why would you leave me? i begged for you. i ripped myself apart for you. killed everything inside of me to give you anything you needed. i tried so fucking hard. i hope you’re okay. God knows i’m not. i want you to be happy.

i wish i could talk to you. once. i remember the last time i kissed you and i had no fucking idea. you crashed the fucking car. you KILLED me. i hate what i am because of you.

i understand the pain. i know the way it eats at you, and so through all the hurt and anger i can still find a way to say i know why you did it. but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking burn. i forgive you. i forgave you years ago. but i can’t stop loving you. so i can’t stop longing. and missing. and aching. and breaking apart for you. i wish i knew how you felt.

i am in love with someone new and i have a beautiful life and i am older and wiser and better but my heart still breaks. and i think it’s still figuring out how to function. i think you tore it out and somewhere in the back of your closet my heart is still beating. whatever i have now is new, and it doesn’t quite fit. i’m getting better, but i still can’t breathe quite right and i see you at the stop sign and i wake up from these dreams where you’re there and i wonder if it’s all been a dream.

i’m ruined. i’m so fucking hurt. i miss you. i’m so sorry for everything i did. i wish i could take it back. i wish i could make it all better. i wish i could just fucking talk to you one more fucking time. i miss your voice so much. i want one more day. one more midnight conversation i want one more fucking moment. before the curtains are torn down, and the lights go out and i lose my voice forever. one more day. one more i love you. just one more goodnight, one more goodbye.

i’m sorry.

[wonderlanddreamsx-deactivated20]

[ladyatomic]

[moonlitboy]

“At least we’ll have that night.”

—

(via sixwordssayitall) 

you know the night we cried in the moonlight and you shook in the cold and you leaned up to kiss me and said “i will marry you one day baby, i will be with you forever.”  the night you made me believe we were going to be okay, we were not okay.  we never will be.

[20aliens-deactivated20200625]

[moonlitboy]

“You chug a fifth of alcohol by yourself and everyone around you is too busy cheering to wonder how empty you had to be in order to do it”

— (via sorrowbby)

[chili-jesson-deactivated2018010]

[insxcure-deactivated20160526]

~you matter, ok?~

[moonlitboy]

and you still didn’t want t o l i v e

[moonlitboy]

“in your arms while it rains on my bathroom floor crying in your heart when you hurt inside of your skin when you cut it open on a rooftop looking down inside of the sun when it makes you warm in a room with myself in your mind when you’re thinking of me pointing a gun to my head in your mouth when you swallow the pills i will catch them in a grave your name etched on my skin”

— places i would love to be

[moonlitboy]

“there was an area between alive and dead where i spent most of my time, a place before the drugs kicked in and after the blood had spilled out on the floor. in the moments where it felt grey i could faintly here the sound of thunder, like the distant sound of our hearts beating together. sometimes i could feel this pounding in my skull like the buildings in my city were screaming at me and falling inside of my brain trying to destroy my thoughts. i could see a figure in the distance dancing along the dips and cracks of my spine and i wondered who it was. when it was grey, i could feel rain on my body like your hands were touching me and for some reason i remember it hurting. i could hear screams and i tried to call back but cotton was coming up my throat and i could feel your hands clutching my neck and i wanted to know who was hurting you so bad that i could feel your pain in my grey areas. all i remember about feeling a shade between black and white is that i could always taste smoke in your lungs and feel you voice in the air and hear your palms sweating and i could smell your hurt from areas that were not grey.”

— just a draft from the other day

[moonlitboy]

“I need you. I need you, because I cant be me. I was never good at being me. Being me was painful. Being me hurt everyday. Being with you was gentle. Being with you was kind. You were a salve to a raw nerve. You were gentle. You were kind. You believed in me, in a time when no one else did. I cannot explain just how special that made you to me. I need you, because I had something to live for. I need you, because you are something that could never be replaced. I need you, because you brought me peace. I would seek peace in death if I could, but I keep surviving. Nothing but time will kill me. And I am so afraid of that. I have to live another 80 years with this love I have for you in my heart, and I am afraid to do that. I don’t think I can be that strong. Not having you kills me. It kills me slowly everyday. Its a cold knife, and I am addicted to the pain it gives me. Its more than I love you. I live for you.”

— Your secrets are safe here (via thesecretletter)

[moonlitboy]

“I used to leave my window open, but things were different then. I used to thank the sun for caressing my cheeks in the morning, I used to catch frogs in the river treading barefoot in murky waters, I used pick dandelions and bathe in all their beauty. But that was before They told me dandelions were weeds and my fingers learned to shrivel at their touch. That was before I started wondering about the snakes and broken glass that I thought rested beneath my open feet. That was before They told me mornings were less about sunshine and more about getting there on time. Now, the sun hurts my eyes. I stopped listening the wind and rain to fall asleep and learned to love the hum of the AC instead. I pull my shades closed. I tie my drapes. I used to leave my window open, but things were different then.”

— And I Am Different, Too (via politicallycorrectwhitegirl)