stargirl

hi im jillian you're beautiful enjoy your day

[moonnlite]

10:28 PM

I’m taking a little break from my hotel del luna binge, and I’m very happy.

I was a little iffy on whether or not I should be disappointed with how I spent my time today, but I did more than I truly expected to earlier on in the day, so I think I should be somewhat proud of myself. Sure, I did the basic chores, but I also bought my mom food and went out with my dad. I really do more than what I think I do, and I should be aware of that.

Any who, I’ve managed to find my way here again to talk about my summer.

It’s not exactly over yet, but as it draws to a close, I feel as if I should talk about it somehow, somewhere. 

I really didn’t expect much to come from this summer, given I’ve been on such a long break that it didn’t feel too different, but this is where I’m catching myself again. I did a lot, so much so, that I’ve done what I could to get myself into finishing up my college years at SF State. I got my job at Bonchon, and I’ve come as far as to being a server only after approximately three months. I’ve traveled a lot, even just to socal, to see my loved ones, including bts for the third time in my life. I saw twice, I discovered more of who I am through being with Tim and my closest friends. I made new friends at work. I’m driving now, and as I drive more I’m learning to be less anxious about it. Learning. I’ve been doing a lot of that as I’ve been growing up this summer. And I’m happy.

A year ago, I was lost. I had to let go of the dream of attending USF. It would’ve driven us to a lifetime of debt and stress. It hurt in the moment, but I’ve learned so much from then. I gained more independence, I experienced things to help me grow and thrive. I’ve learned to appreciate what and who I have in my life.

All in all it’s been a journey, and things are looking up for me. I have to work hard this coming school year. I have to study and work and be the best me. I know I can’t be perfect, but I want to minimize regrets. I want to prove not only to my family but myself that I am better now. I have always strived for success but now I need to show it. No half assing, less procrastination, but hard work and dedication.

And while I’m experiencing new things, I want to meet even more people. Join a club or organization to be a part of something bigger than me. I want to find people to form strong, genuine friendships with. I’m going to find a lover. Someone who will be real and someone who I know I can trust and love wholeheartedly. And they’re going to love me in return.

I’m going to love myself.

It’s time for me to live fully, freely, but strongly. I know what I’m capable of, and now it’s time to go above and beyond.

[moonnlite]

11:42 pm

Well

It’s been quite some time since I’ve been on this account. Honestly the amount of effort it took to even access this probably wasn’t worth it but here we are regardless LOL.

From the last post I read, I can see that I pretty much left where I needed to, yet it’s also interesting to see how, for some reason, I felt the impulse to come back.

Things have changed significantly in my life. Many shifts and transitions have transformed me into a woman I honestly thought I’d never become, but I’m pretty happy with where I am so far.

It gets stressful every now and then, especially having to come to terms with things like adulthood responsibilities, but I feel as if I shouldn’t really blame myself too much considering that adult life is literally still new to me. I’m lucky enough to not have to deal with a huge chunk of it so far anyway, but I know I have to keep growing and keep realizing things.

Other than that, there’s going back to school, family dynamic changes (both good and bad), the fact that my love for BTS is still going strong, and now I’m even more invested into other groups like Loona and Twice.

I think overall I’ve come to be open minded to many new things that I’d be too scared to even think about before. I have new routines, new responsibilities, new priorities.

And my love life... wishing it existed more yet so happy that it doesn’t? I think this is where I could take that leap of faith more often. I’m thinking it will change going back to school though. I just.. have this surge of energy that I know is ready to be used once the school year starts.

I want to make new friends and be a part of something bigger than me. I want to put myself out there in even more ways I than I thought. I want to learn new things and develop a passion for a busy schedule again. I want to get my mind out of the idea that I’m a house hermit because I know I’m not. I want to recharge my social energy with those I love and I want to enjoy my life genuinely again.

I want to accept and love myself while also working hard to become better. I want to do so without guilt. I want to grow. I want to love.

and I want to make sure that it all starts with loving myself.

[moonnlite]

6:00 pm

i’m so, incredibly happy.

i haven’t been this happy in so long.

but this is a different kind of happy

i feel free

i feel content

i feel genuinely accepting of how things are in my life right now

a lot of it has to do with bts, i’ll have to admit

but i definitely do not find anything wrong with that whatsoever

they’ve been my guiding light for this year

they’ve been the hug that i need when i feel down

they’ve been my favorite song

and my confiding friend when i’m doubtful about any aspect of my life

and overall

i’ve let go of all the negativity that was holding me back

i have to do what’s right for me

and i feel as if i’m starting from a clean slate again

i will do whatever it takes to live the life i deserve

it will always be challenging

but it will always be worth it

[moonnlite]

11:23 pm

sometimes I think about you

well

to be honest I think about you a lot

but it’s not you that I miss

though sometimes I do

I miss what we shared

the intimacy

the effort

the love.

sometimes I wish to feel it again

to hold someone when i’m cold

to fall asleep to someone’s heartbeat

to feel someone’s fingers intertwining with mine

sometimes I wish to feel it again

the rush of anticipating to see someone

getting ready for a night on the town

it’s unfortunate, really

to associate such wonderful things

with painful memories of you

but I don’t regret them

and I just hope you’re doing alright

even if you don’t wish the same

for me.

[clockworkbibliophile]

saturday afternoons

[moonnlite]

just a lil update because I haven’t really been able to type in a while

2018 has already been so prosperous, and i’m so surprised. I mean, of course I’m thankful for it, but all of my worries from last year, all of my unanswered questions, they fixed themselves and it’s only been not only three whole months of this year.

I am a psychology major. I got accepted into USF. I am a Behavior Technician in training. It will definitely be a challenge, but something that is worth learning and working hard for. It is something so rewarding.

I am in love..... with BTS LOL. Thanks to Marita for getting me into them. I honestly have no words (more like a lot actually) to express how I feel about them/how much they’ve impacted my life. Along with pursing my professional and educational career, I honestly feel like they’ve given me another purpose in my personal life: to love myself. And that might sound cheesy, but I’ve always confided in music for comfort when no one else could. and BTS has done so much, despite how many miles they are away from me. Despite even talking to me!!! Idk I love them so much.

Then there’s just so much to look forward to. More concerts, more opportunities and trips planned to see family, more prospering, more hard work, more love. I’m so excited.

[moonnlite]

ok but

life is looking up

and i’m honestly, genuinely

so happy.

[moonnlite]

2017

is not over just yet, but holy crap has it been an amazing year

from being able to see my family more than most years, to going to eight concerts. EIGHT. three of them being raves. ONE OF THOSE RAVES BEING SAN HOLO. and that e man lmfao. this year was wild.

but it was also beautiful.

at the beginning of this year, I broke up with my previous boyfriend. I thought to myself, what a goddamn way to start a new year. I thought it would affect my year as a whole, and that I’d be miserable the whole time.

but I was so wrong, and I’m so glad I was

God, the universe, the cosmos, the forces of nature, me myself, led me in the right direction, and all I did from January was grow, thrive, and prosper.

I told myself that I wanted to learn to love again. Of course at the time, I wanted to have that love in someone else. turned out that I learned to love myself.

I may be stressed about school and work, but I’ve found a love for myself. A true, genuine, love. One that could wrap me all around and keep me warm. One that would remind me that I am a beautiful woman who deserves the world.

I also learned to love my best friends even more than I did before. I learned to love the company of others. I made new friends. I learned new things. I became a better me.

I am so. so. proud. I love life. I really do.

I love myself. Finally.

[4a0000-deactivated20180901]

I got magnets for my fridge

[ana-elisabeta]

[puppetwithapistol-deactivated20]

[kissedbythevoid]

[narnia]

[moonnlite]

feelin sprung on life and ready to fall in love again. with life. with love itself. with someone who deserves it. (✿◠‿◠)

[1juli]

[serious]

who were you?

[aoca]