enhypen will ALWAYS and FOREVER be my 7. Heeseung will always be a part of the group and above all I never regret a single second I’ve spent loving this group. They’ve provided me so much joy and carried me through the toughest parts of the last few years. I’ve met my best friend because of them and I’ve been so inspired in my life and art because of them. To see these seven grow and be kind, thoughtful, hard working, dedicated people has driven me in my own life to great lengths.
Being an Engene has healed some deep part of me I didn’t know needed healing and given me the greatest joy of my life. Seven always.
summary: 4 years ago your life upended when you met Heeseung--a wildcard to the life you had been so meticulously working on leaving, tired of the blood on your hands. Two years ago, he shattered you and you live in regret for ever letting yourself have fallen in love with an enemy. Now, old ghosts have come back to haunt you as you're forced to confront yourself, Heeseung, and all the skeletons in your closet when the syndicate you work for has found out Heeseung is back in the city--and has set you to be his executioner.
word count (part 1): 8.5k
minors dni.
notes: Hi! Remember me? Blake? Drops like one 6k word thing once a year and then fucks off to who knows where? Yeah that's the one! I'm a slow writer, but I'm meticulous. I've been writing (or planning) this fic for well over a year, because quite frankly it's going to be a behemoth. I don't know how many parts or how many words, but I know how this fic was born: from the end. When I first got the idea, I I furiously scrambled out the last 1000 words of it on my phone in between sets at the gym--and then I've had to work backwards. So after months of running from the monster I created, here's part one of my newest child: Criminal Love.
warnings: this is a mafia au--blood, violence, guns, etc.
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N o w
Once upon a time, you yearned to be able to come home to someone’s waiting arms. You thought you could be just like those heroines in the movies you’d secretly watch in the dead of night, or the book leads who, despite their tragedies, always had love prevail. Now you know better.
Now you get spend your nights sitting in a car with Jay, staking it out in case your target shows up. It’s raining tonight, and the soft patter of the rain against the windshield provides a lullaby against the hum of static air in the silent car. It’s near 3 a.m. and neither you nor Jay have a said a word in hours. He kept his eagle eyes trained on the unassuming apartment building seemingly without blinking, that sheaf of black hair falling around his face and razor sharp jaw, making him look every bit as dangerous as he was—a living breathing weapon. You’d known each other for several years, but you wouldn’t have guessed it with the way you and him would barely exchange a word when it wasn’t necessary. You weren’t one for unnecessary speech, and Jay was a statue drifting far away on another island, impossible to read, impossible to crack. But on the field, where it really mattered, with the cold metal of a gun burning against your hand, you were one fluid deity. His motions completing yours, you picking up any brief moment of slack when his back was turned, the two of you an indomitable force, that had led you to be known as somebody to reckon with within the syndicate, even if you were still, by all accounts, a nobody.
Despite the exhaustion that clung to you like water droplets, you found focus in the solace of the moment. Every nerve felt high strung, and you were taut, like a bow right before the arrow was let loose. If Jay could tell your tension, he didn’t let on. You flicked a bored gaze through the driver’s window where you sat, forcing some sort of motion to keep yourself alert.
“Are you capable of doing this?” Jay asks, finally breaking the silence. His tone leaves no room for questioning, a sharp reminder of why you two were ever paired together in the first place.
“Of course,” you respond coolly, leveling your voice so it betrays no sign of emotion—or so you hope. Jay slides an indecipherable glance in your direction and then his eyes hitch on something in the distance behind you.
“Shoot,” he says calmly.
“What?”
“Shoot, now, Y/N. On your left.”
You realize what he’s referring to, and you feel the ice shoot through your blood, paralyzing every nerve. You force your gaze over through the driver’s window, and immediately, crushing relief nearly knocks the air out of your lungs. Nobody’s there. But too late you realize—
“If you were truly capable, you would’ve shot without hesitation.” Jay turns his head fully, and the intensity in his eyes bores through you as he rakes his gaze over you. Indignation bubbles up, hot and angry, like a scolded child.
“I needed to check to make sure the target was there! It’s raining and—“
“You’ve never needed to before. I say shoot and you point.”
“Isn’t it the other way—I point and you say shoot?” You retort.
“You don’t need to think, you are just an extension of my armory.”
Jay is infuriating as is, but you’re too worn down from exhaustion, the adrenaline from the circumstances keep you teetering on a dangerous ledge.
“Fuck you,” you hiss venomously. You want to curse him out in a million different languages, but you hold your tongue before you say anything worse . He’s right, in a way. He can say whatever he wants, and you can never react. Not like how you want to. You were on thin ice for far too long, and it’s a miracle you’re still alive, much less have any ranking after what he did to you. No, not Jay. Someone else, someone who even though you buried in your heart and mind years ago, you wish you could’ve buried well and good for real. Somebody you swore if you ever saw him again, you’d tear his heart out with your bare hands, just like he slaughtered yours when he chose to throw you to the wolves. Somebody, that if push came to shove, you didn’t know if you could actually shoot him tonight. And the worst part of it all, was Park Jeongsongcould see right through your bullshit. And you didn’t know which terrified you more.
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Ｔｈｅｎ
God you were so fucking late—you were so fucking late, your ass was about to be monumentally handed to you. You didn’t start the day this way. In fact, you were rather enjoying a slow morning. You had been out late on patrol, and didn’t get into bed until almost 4AM, so when you jolted awake with the sunlight streaming through your window, you thought you had slept through day. But when you checked your phone, it was only late morning, and rarer still—there were no urgent messages furiously demanding your attention or angry missed calls. It seemed as if an impossible moment had occurred: you were being left alone.You decided to relish that and laze in bed enjoying the soothing sensation of rotting against your tired body. When you finally started feeling awake enough you had a stroke of genius, deciding it was a wonderful idea to treat yourself to a latte at your favorite coffee shop. Big fucking mistake. Because it seemed as if that was the moment where you got cursed to chaos.
» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «
The bells jingle on the door of the coffee shop as you push the door open. It’s Wednesday, and late enough in the morning that the cafe isn’t too full. Some college students working on essays, a couple of elderly folks reading through newspapers and crossword puzzles, and a frazzled looking younger mother and her friends (and kids) occupy the tables. Immediately the sound of the coffee grinders and milk steamers soothe your nerves. Maybe in another life, this could have been you, brewing lattes and cracking jokes with the regulars, but for now you were just a visitor, grasping for the straws of illusion in between the bloodstained nights.
As you get to the front of the line, the barista smiles at you. He’s young enough that he’ll be stuck working here for a few more years as he works his way through college. You’ve learned that much through your brief conversations.
“Ricky, you’re working today?” You ask warmly. Normally you don’t like to get involved with ‘regular’ people, it isn’t safe—or useful much to have emotional attachments. But the kid caught your heart, and now he’s like the younger brother you never had.
“Hi Y/N! Yeah, we’re coming up on midterms, so most of my classes have been cancelled.”
“You should be studying instead,” you chide.
“I do! When I’m not working.”
“You don’t want to get stuck as a barista forever.”
“Well then I couldn’t make you a honeycomb latte all the time.”
“I think I’d live,” you scoff.
Ricky fakes a pout, but enters your order in nonetheless. He knows you enough by now to know your order will never change. You smile though, as you dig out some cash and hand it over to him.
“I’d much rather know you’ve made something of yourself and have a full life to live.”
“Jesus, what are you my mother?” He asks, flustered.
“Just a concerned samaritan,” You smile.
“Yeah, yeah,” he replies, but you can tell he’s touched by the kindness.
You move over to the other end of the counter and soak in the people watching until Ricky comes back with your drink.
“See ya Ricky,” You say with a wave as you turn around with your drink only to have the entirety of it spilled onto you as somebody crashes into you hard enough to knock your back into the counter. You curse loud enough that several people look up at you and you crave the sweet embrace of death.
“Sorry, sorry!” A frantic voice apologizes and you find yourself looking up at a young man who looks like a dear caught in the headlights, or maybe more like a scared hamster. He has a mess of red hair that’s clearly been dyed—maybe in a midnight manic session, but undoubtedly good looking. Too bad that didn’t matter much to you.
“Jesus Christ,” you snarl and the man apologetically reaches for the napkin container next to you.
“I’m genuinely so, so sorry!” He pleads and your lips curl downwards into a scowl.
“Maybe instead of being sorry you could watch where you’re going!”
He flinches at your harsh tone and you roughly grab napkins from the dispenser.
“Here, let me help you clean up—”
“No. Thank you! I think you’ve done enough,” you say as you aggressively dab at the stains forming at your shirt.
“Can I at least get you a replacement coffee?”
You sigh and look him over.
“Fucking—sure, why the hell not.”
“I got you Y/N.” Ricky says behind you and you turn around to look at him, a sopping mess.
“Thanks, Ricky,” you say glumly.
“I hope that wasn’t your favorite shirt,” the young barista says sympathetically as he gets started on a new drink. The stranger behind you slides a $20 bill towards you.
“For cleaning costs. Or a new shirt,” he says sheepishly. You stare at the bill for a long moment before snatching it from his hand.
“I’m Heeseung,” he says, clearly trying to extend the olive branch.
“Cool.”
You turn back around, watching Ricky make the new drink.
“I think this is the part you tell me your name,” Heeseung prods.
“Why?” You respond, avoiding eye contact.
You can tell he’s flustered without looking just by the hitch in his breathing and the pause before his response.
“Because it’s polite?”
“Well, crashing into—“
“Okay okay, yes I should’ve been more careful and watched where I was going. I’m sorry!”
You huff, debating on how much you want to keep punishing him before sliding your gaze over to him.
“I’m Y/N.”
He blinks for a moment, and then breaks into a soft smile.
“It’s nice to meet you, Y/N. I wish it could’ve been under less chaotic circumstances”
“Yeah. That’s for sure.”
Ricky hands you the new drink and you slide the $20 that Heeseung gave you to him.
“Thank you, again Ricky.”
“Just don’t go crashing into people,” he teases.
“He crashed into me!” You cry indignantly, but it’s too late, Ricky’s already back to the next waiting customer at the register. You shake your head and start to head out, when Heeseung taps your shoulder.
“What!” You cry out with exasperation.
“I hope I see you around” He says with a smile and you scoff, knowing how extremely unlikely that is, especially with what your work is.
“Yeah, sure.” You give him a wave to shut him up and satisfy him, but you feel his eyes on your back even after the bells jingle once the door closes behind you.
» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «
You take a long overdue sip of your coffee as you walk back to your apartment, annoyed that you now have to go shower and change. Not that you had other plans—but it was the principal of the matter. As you wait for the crosswalk light to turn green, you dig out your phone, deciding to make sure you didn’t miss anything too important during that whole fiasco. Immediately, your heart sinks—well the more accurate description would have been it “plummeted towards the center of the earth at the speed of sound.”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” You turn around in the opposite direction and break off into a dead sprint, not caring who you have to shove past as your feet slap against the pavement, about to be so late you knew your ass was about to be monumentally handed to you.
“Pleeeeease God, please,” you huff under your breath as you rush through the street. In your defense, the squad meeting had been called so last minute, so how were you supposed to know it was going to to start 5 minutes from now? It wasn’t your fault you hadn’t been glued to your phone for the 10 minutes you were at the coffee shop.
You can already hear Jungwon’s chiding. Your squad leader is young— several years younger than you, but he knows how to command respect, and he’s lethally smart, hence why he was promoted before he was even 18. Combined with his innocuous demeanor that lets him blend in perfectly on the street, it’s easy to forget that he’s not a perfect younger brother type, but a ruthless mafioso. It’s almost enough to make you jealous of him. Almost. But it was far too much responsibility than you wanted to be burdened with, and ultimately, would put far too much of a spotlight on you in the chess game that was the syndicate for you to ever be able to successfully escape. At least in your current positioning you were biding your time, building the the pieces together of your master plan to slip away into the night and find freedom—true freedom once and for all.
You make your way through the maze of the city, slipping through familiar alleyways, forgotten corners and seedy shadows to most of the general public, but to you, these were your most well worn paths. You step over garbage, and tossed aside junk and hold your nose against the reek, until finally you’ve made your way to an unassuming abandoned storefront. You’re out of the breath by this point, sweat dripping down your forehead. You chug down the remainder of your coffee, and set it by the front of the door, reminding yourself to toss it later (just because you kill people doesn't mean you have to litter), and knock thrice on the door, waiting a few moments until you here the click on the other side as it opens into a dimly lit space.
This used to be a grocery store until the owners had to flee for not their paying their rent on time, and now it had become Dark Moon holdings. And there was Jungwon at the door, alongside Jay and Sunoo lingering amongst dusty crates just a few feet behind.
“Finally Y/N!” Jungwon chided.
“Sorry, sorry,” You apologized. “I must’ve missed my phone going off.”
“Or maybe you were going swimming in coffee?” Sunoo teases, motioning at the stains against your shirt and you flip him off. Sometimes, when you look at him and Jungwon next to each other, so similar and seemingly so out of place, a pang goes through your heart, thinking about how they look too young to be mixed up in this kind of bloodshed. But there was nothing you could do to change that—they had made their own decisions in life, so here you all were, gathered around waiting to hear what the pressing news was.
Jungwon clears his throat and your attention snaps back to the present.
“We got a new mission from HQ today. The Vamfield’s are starting to broach our territory, so we’ve been ordered to take out a hit on some of their holdings. Specifically their territories on the docks.”
You feel your heart sink. You knew that aggression was increasing, but the last thing you wanted to deal with was an outright territory war. For years now, Dark Moon Holdings and the Vamfields were stuck in a vicious blood feud. You were fairly certain if you asked anyone on either side why there was such loathing for the other nobody could give a concrete answer. Now it was just boiling down to spats of power and influence—and now influence in a larger conspiracy of weapons trading and corruption.
“Take out their import/export bay then?” Jay interrupts, dark eyes flashing as he verbalized what everyone was already putting together. Jungwon turns to him and nods.
“Exactly. If they want to start screwing around with us, we hit them back twice as hard.”
You watch as Jay gives a sharp nod, locking into the mission already. Sunoo’s lips twist upward in an fox-like grin, all teeth and sly eyes, and you? You already feel the exhaustion weighing in your bones. Another mission, another job. You just barely got to sleep last night, and here you are doing it again.
Just a little bit more. You tell yourself. Hang in a little longer and you can disappear. So you force a smile onto your face and nod.
“Let’s do it boss,” you muster.
» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «
That night, the city seems to be holding its breath, unusually silent for somewhere usually raucous with life. It’s as if it’s laying there, silent, waiting for something to happen. You’re used to moving with stealth— you and the boys working together as one fluid unit. Jungwon-you-Sunoo-Jay-You-Sunoo-Jungwon. That’s how it always is. But tonight, it feels like every step you take on the wet maze of the docks is echoing out into the black night, calling to attention.
As you creep behind a massive shipping container, its faded orange paint glowing in the moonlight, Jay pauses and motions for all you to stop, and you nearly crash right into Sunoo as he abruptly halts in front of you.
“What is it?” Hisses Jungwon.
You wait a beat and hear nothing, but Jay’s eyes are narrowed and he presses his body flat against the metal as he peers around the corner at the expanse ahead.
“I thought I heard footsteps,” Jay whispers.
“It’s probably us,” You scoff. “We’re fucking stomping through here.”
Jay shoots you a look, one of annoyance that you’ve seen many times but you just shrug it off.
“Need I remind you we’re in enemy territory, Y/N?” He chastises.
“Oh trust me, I’m well aware,” You hiss back.
“She might be right,” Jungwon interjects quietly, always trying to smooth peace between everyone. “Come on, let’s move quickly, before anyone can notice we’re here.” And he hurries out from behind your hiding spot, beckoning for everyone to follow. In a silent train your team and you scurry from container to container.
“What exactly are we looking for?” Sunoo whispers are Jay looks around a corner while you’re paused once more.
“Product,” Jungwon replies.
“Yeah but how do we know that it’s not just in any of these containers we’ve passed?” Sunoo responds with exasperation.
“They aren’t that stupid to just keep it scattered here, where pretty much anyone can have access to it. There’s a specific location—there’s a container here somewhere that fronts as an entrance to a larger tunneling system which is probably where they’re keeping that. If we can obstruct that, we’ll have free range to find one of their bases here while holding off reinforcements” Jungwon explains back.
“Oh,” Sunoo says quietly.
“Is it something like that?” You whisper as you point at a large container, its back open, and in the dim moonlight you see what seems to be some kind of hole at the bottom.
“Yes, exactly that,” Jungwon responds, and that’s when the first bullet whizzes by your ear.
You’re caught off guard for just that brief moment, the muffled bang! of the bullet being flung from the barrel, the harsh buzz off it as it just barely nicks you and you feel the hot stream of blood start to flow. But just as soon as you’ve processed what’s happened, your body hits the floor in muscle memory, Jay turns around in front of you, gun already drawn, and he fires three shots in quick succession in the direction of the bullets.
“Y/N! Are you okay?” Sunoo calls out.
“Fine!” You respond and already you’re whipping out your weapon, trying to spot the assailants in the night as you all dive for cover behind the nearest metal container.
“I told you so,” Jay snipes in a harsh whisper.
“Fight later,” Jungwon hisses, “Let’s focus on not dying now!”
The four of you assemble, back to back, eyes trained on every corner.
“Duck!” Jungwon shouts, and you all barely have any time to hit the deck before you hear the deafening boom of the shot followed by lead ricocheting off metal.
“There’s no way we were spotted,” Sunoo yelps as you retaliate back into the dark.
“Well, we were,” You retort.
“Fuck it, if they know we’re here now, might as well do as much damage as we can,” Jay asserts, and before anyone can stop him he shouts at you. “Y/N cover me!”
“Jay—“ But your protest is cut off as he starts running towards the open container and you and the rest of the boys start firing off, praying to hear the cry of a body being hit or thudding to the ground.
“There!” Jungwon points, and you spot a figure dressed in all black on top of a container about 200 feet away. Sunoo aims and fires and you see by the way his body jerks back, the bullet hit. Only a moment later you hear the sound of gunfire from behind you and you turn back around to see Jay firing off into the container, pointing his gun towards that massive hole dug through down into the ground.
“Jay, a status update would be helpful here!” You call out to him. He doesn’t even spare so much as a glance back when he responds with a —
“There’s a stash in here, but the cover to the entrance is grated. I’m blowing up as much of this as I can.”
“There’s more coming!” Jungwon yells, drawing your attention back to your surroundings as several more dark figures begin to crawl out of the shadows, making their way with guns drawn to you.
“Fuck. We’re about to start an all out war right now, aren't we?” You mutter under your breath. You take a look back at the boys and nod, and the three of you scramble for cover behind the nearest containers, muscle memory kicking in as chaos ensues and you fire again. And again. And again. At some point, the echo of the gunshots drowns out, the noise in your ears replaced with static. You’re not even sure which bullets hit, you just know that when the cartridge in your gun is empty, you drop it and like cutting a knife through butter, you replace it with a new one in a smooth motion, barely noticing the way your arms are burning or your ears are ringing. Beside you, you can sense Jungwon and Sunoo going through the same lethal motions—albeit Sunoo with some more glee, and Jungwon with his laser focus, none of the others tuned out like you are. You know there isn’t much longer that you can hold on, and moreover, you know that this mission is probably going to end in failure—which God even knows what that will mean for tomorrow.
“Jungwon,” You pant out, waiting for the telltale pause of magazines being reloaded. “Is it possible we walked into a trap?” You cast a brief glance to your captain, watching his features harden into a frown.
“Yes, I think that’s entirely possible.”
“Amazing,” You respond dryly. “Odds that we get out of here alive?”
“100%.” Jungwon always speaks in certainties, even when he knows it’s a promise he can’t keep. But despite it all, if there’s one thing you will always respect about the younger man, it’s his unwavering loyalty to his members. Even with all the odds turned against them, he refuses to lose faith in them, and will never show a moment of doubt to their faces. A pang ripples through you, as you briefly imagine another life where his grit and charisma were put to better use than back alley shoot outs on sketchy docks. But the daydream is quickly ripped from you as you hear Jay yell—
“Retreat! We have to retreat!”
“Jay?!”
Sunoo yells back in confusion as he peers around the corner of the container to fire off a few rounds. Jay rarely is one to back down, but then again, you’ve never really have been this badly outnumbered.
“We gotta go!” He bellows again and this time the three of you, barely avoiding the hailstorm of bullets, share a knowing look and nod. Going back the way you came is clearly not an option, so the only way out is through.
“Which way, Jungwon?” You hiss. You watch as his focused gaze sweeps your surroundings. No matter which way you run, it’s hard to tell where the enemy is littered right now. Either way one—or all of you—are going to get injured, but it’s about decreasing the odds of your brains splattering the pavement. Jungwon’s gaze finally rests on the not too far off distance, right where the docks peter out into the murky gray waters of the piers.
“Oh fuck me,” you groan as you very quickly realize that this night is going to end with you cold, wet, and even more miserable than you already anticipated.
“Assuming we survive our escape, I’d rather just pay for someone to do that for you,” he chirps back, too cheerily at odds with the current situation. You sigh and mentally prepare yourself for the frigid waters, and it looks like Sunoo is none to happy about it either. You look back towards Jay, who seems to also have been looking for an escape route and when he locks eye with Jungwon, they share a single nod, as if both having come to the same conclusion.
“Come on!” Jungwon summons, and like a cat he starts slinking through the shadows, finding cover against the steel of the crates. There’s a symphony of lead hailing down on them, and every bullet that shoots by your face is one too close. You and Sunoo fire back off in the direction of the bullets, hoping to take out as many of the assailants as possible.
The water was so close, you could feel the ground beneath you becoming more slick with ocean spray as you neared the edge of the docks. At some point, all three of you abandon the hope of a chance at hitting back and are tunnel visioned on making it to water. You look over and see Jay is starting to converge with you, his face tight with determination. Freedom, so close you can taste it. And then—
“JAY!” Your body moves faster than your mind can react. One moment you’re running straight, and the next you and Jay are in a tangled ball of limbs crashing down hard enough to make every single bone in your body rattle and your vision slide. But the sound of the gunshot still echoes and Jungwon and Sunoo pause for only just a brief moment as they process the fact that Jay was about to have his brains splattered on the docks if you had moved a fraction of a second slower.
The two of you breathe heavily as you scramble to extricate yourselves, and only then does your vision snag on someone standing on top of one of the nearby containers. The moonlight casts a hazy glow behind him, his face barely visible, but just the glimpse is enough to send a cold ice down your spine, freezing your limbs. There’s no way. Absolutely no way that this is possible. You had met him briefly, really only for 5 minutes, but the face from the coffee shop this morning is unforgettable nonetheless.
“Heeseung,” You snarl, and you swear as he lowers his still smoking gun, you catch the unmistakable glint of a cocky smile stretched on his face. “Move, move, move!” Jay shouts, as he snaps you up out of your stupor as he drags himself up and yanks you harshly by the arm, forcing your attention back to the situation at hand. The four of you hightail it to the end of of the dock, and you risk one more glance back trying to see if Heeseung was still watching, but you see nothing before you jump straight down into the painfully freezing depths below, just barely avoiding the new round firing towards you.
» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «
As you trudge through the streets sopping wet, you have a moment where you consider if in fact taking the bullet for Jay would’ve been a kinder fate. The bullet for Jay. You turn the moment over and over in your head, walking back in complete silence behind the boys as everyone slinks back to base. Although, it’s not like the group is feeling particularly chatty after what just transpired. To say the mood was ‘dejected’ would be putting it lightly. You couldn’t remember the last time a mission had gone this badly. Every time you remember the smudgy outline of that stupid smirk on his face, you want to rip your hair out and scream, or pepper him full of holes. The squelching sensation of your soaked socks in your boots and the sharp chill that has settled itself into your bones only further drives your foul mood—after the four of you had swam to the entrance of a drainage pipe (which, the smell of fish and sewage was enough to make you retch all the way around its perimeter) Jungwon ushered you all out, forcing the long way back through seedy alleyways and up and around fire escapes on everyone, which ultimately made sense, even if you could feel blisters forming on your feet with every soggy step. No point in making such a dramatic escape if you were all going to be sniped down by unwanted straggler.
Finally the familiar block of the old grocery store starts to appear in front of you and everyone’s shoulders slightly relax. Jungwon unlocks the door and everyone tumbles in. You barely make it to the nearest upturned crate and sag down into it.
“That certainly was a mission,” Sunoo states where he leans against an old rack.
Jungwon claps loudly and you startle, looking towards him with confusion.
“Yeah, that sucked,” he begins. “And next time we will be better prepared. For now, we need to figure out if they knew we were coming, and if so, how did they find out?” Despite his obvious exhaustion, Jungwon’s eyes glimmer brightly. You know he’s seething deep underneath, you can tell by the way he stands in the middle of everyone, body still humming with a nervous energy that keeps him from being still, that he’s far more upset than he leads on, and yet he won’t show it to everyone.
“Well.” Jay says. “It wasn’t a total failure.”
Everyone looks up at him in confusion, bleary eyed and not in the mood for jokes.
“What does that mean?” You say a little too sharply. “In case you forgot Jay, we’re all one sneeze away from pneumonia at this point.”
Jay shoots you an annoyed look, and he rolls his eyes. You shoot him a deadpan look back and flip him off.
“Anyway,” He continues pointedly, “as I was saying. It wasn’t a complete failure because I did manage to actually fuck up some of the cargo. The grate itself seemed to lead further down into some sort of tunneling network. So at the very least we have more reconnaissance.”
Immediately, Jungwon lights up, Sunoo claps his hands together, but all you manage to feel is a sinking pit in your stomach, the kind of gut instinct you can’t ignore as anxiety or burn out, but the kind of cosmic sign that insists you listen to it because you’re down a path that will lead nowhere good.
“Jay!” Jungwoon cheers with a whoop. “This! This is why you’re amazing!”
Jay shifts uncomfortably where he sits, never able to properly take praise. “It’s just part of the mission.”
There’s a glint in Jungwon’s eyes as he looks across everyone in the room. “Yeah, but this also means there’s a chance that we’ve just exposed a giant weakness of theirs they couldn’t expect. I should take this up with HQ,” He murmurs partially to himself.
“Wait,” Sunoo interjects. “If Vamfield’s members know that we know now, what’s to stop them from blowing it up so we can’t track them, or having them come after us? For all we know the tunnels lead right to Dark Moon affiliates.”
“Nothing,” You say flatly. “We don’t know any of that, so there’s a chance we’ve all just risked our necks for something that’ll come back to bite us in the ass later.”
“Yeah,” Jungwon says. “But we can be prepared. And besides, in the off chance there’s a larger tunnel network, they can seal off that entrance, but it gives us something to look out for, or at least start tracking. Thank you Jay, you’re the fucking best.” Jay averts his gaze and nods.
“Okay then,” Jungwon says with a clap. “You guys look like a sorry lot,” He starts as if he himself doesn’t look like a wet alley cat, “ so we should wrap it up and get back to our places. I’ll report to the higher ups about our findings. We’ll pair off so nobody is going alone in case we’re ambushed. Me and Sunoo, Y/N and Jay?” He phrases is like a question, but it’s not like anyone’s going to try and dispute it.
“Yeah that’s fine,” You say with a groan as you force yourself up. “Do you need us tomorrow morning Jungwon?” You’re already trying to run a mental calculation of how many—or really how few, hours of sleep you’re going to be able to cram in right now. But to your relief he shakes his head.
“I’ll let you know if I need to see everyone tomorrow, but we’ll see what comes out of my report tomorrow.”
“Keep us posted,” You muster out as neutrally as possible. “See ya!” And you look at Jay, cocking your head to silently ask him “Ready?” Jay nods and stands, and even in the dim lighting you can tell by the hunch of his shoulders that he’s also exhausted, even if he won’t let his face show it. You can tell that he holds the burden of his pain and tiredness tightly, tries to not let it show, even if his body betrays him, and despite the fact that he so easily gets under your skin (or maybe he does it on purpose), you admire him for it and it makes you wonder how good your own poker face is.
» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «
You both walk in silence through the near black streets. It’s just past the witching hour, right when the party goers have settled into sleep and the early morning workers are losing time against the first alarm of the morning. You shiver, in part from the cold that has seeped itself through your clothes and skin, and in part from the sheer exhaustion that has snaked in beyond the dampness and nestled itself so deep into your bones that even your eyes burn from trying to stay open. Your head pounds and you could practically fall asleep standing up when Jay quietly says,
“You said his name.”
It isn’t a question, or an accusation, just simply a fact. You turn to look at him, and there’s something almost feline in his gaze as he cocks his head and looks you over, unflinching. For a moment, a stream of panic runs through you, your brain struggling to put together a coherent sentence, but logic finally starts to wage war back.
“Did I?” You respond as flatly as you can force your voice to be. In the distance, you hear a motorcycle rumble, the sound echoing through the fog and down the deserted streets, and you wonder if it his him, coming back to finish the job.What does it matter if his name accidentally slipped out? Besides, you have no idea if it was actually him, it was dark and you were acting on pure adrenaline. You don’t have any allegiance to him, you don’t even know him, you had just had an unfortunate run in with him earlier that morning. On the flip side though, it was also highly unlikely you’d crash into some rando at a coffee shop, far enough on the other side of town away from questionable dealings and that same person happens be a rival gang member. Too unlikely. Which only begged the question of did he know?
“How do you know him?” Jay asks crashing against your silent spiral.
“Who said I knew him?” You retort back, a little too sharply. Jay’s questioning sparked like a flint against your already pre-existing irritation. You were in no mood for a questioning for something that was a cruel twist of fate.
“Well if I already stated you said his name,” Jay said with an edge.
“I’m tired and I can’t think straight,” you shoot back, a little too sharply.
“Your honor, I believe she’s innocent,” He responds dryly and you glare at him, the two of you returning to walking in silence.
Truth be told, you knew the easiest out was to just tell Jay the truth, you had a coincidental run in with him early. It’s not like you had any allegiance to the bastard. But you knew Jay, and you knew exactly what he’d say—“In our way of lives, we don’t get the luxury of things happening by chance. Coincidences are a poor cover up for manipulation.” Which, to be frank, only further fueled your paranoia.
You briefly weighed the two options in your head. Continue to lie, until you could investigate and figure out the truth for yourself, or tell the incredibly unlikely facts right now, not that you had a good feeling you’d be believed. But Jay was suspicious, and maybe he’d think you were in cahoots with Heeseung. What then? You didn’t feel like being executed or put on trial. Ideally, you’d love for your teammate to have at least a little bit of fucking faith in your character, but even loyalty seemed to be a scarcity in the market these days. The worst, third option, was what if Jay pushed you off the ledge of freedom you had been so close to teetering on, back into the deep end. What if he forced you to build a relationship with Heeseung and become a double agent. Not only would you not be leaving Dark Moon, but you’d be sent right into bed with another syndicate—arms and ankles shackled to the underbelly of the city until your death. You were well aware your train of thought was running down a track that didn’t exist, but you couldn’t be bothered to bring yourself back down to earth. The fear of losing everything you had painstakingly ground yourself into dust for, right when you could practically taste it, was about to make you act irrationally.
“I think I probably just heard his name whispered around somewhere. Or maybe he looks like a civilian or something, you know like a regular at coffeeshop.” You break the silence quietly, trying to extend some sort of peace treaty.
“Why would you become a regular at a coffee shop?”
“I didn’t say I was, I’m saying he could be.”
“But to know if he’s a regular that would imply that you’re a regular there too, right?”
“Jay it is far too late—or far too early to be arguing semantics with me right now,” You snap, and you swear to god you see the hint of a grin curl up on his lips. It fades just as quickly as it appears and you shove your hands into your pockets. “I really don’t know him,” You continue after a moment. “He just..has one of those faces I guess.” Jay doesn’t respond for a long while and you look over at him, trying to read his expression, but instead he just looks tired, the mask having fallen away.
“Sure.” He finally responds, but you don’t think he’s convinced by any of this, and the more you try to assuage him to believe you, the more suspicious you’ll look.
“This is you,” You say as you finally stop at an old crumbling brick apartment complex. Jay nods as the two of you stop at the entrance.
“Get some rest,” You say, softening your voice a bit. No point in both of you going to bed mistrusting, you can ruminate more once you’re safely in your own bed.
“You too,” he says with a nod as he unlocks the door and slips into the darkness of the building.
» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «» ☆ «
You feel like a soggy rat as you’re huddled into the corner of your dingy bathroom waiting for the water to steam up. The pipes are already creaking with protest as you try to force the water through, but you refuse to stand under anything less than scalding, even though the moment you pushed your door open you wanted nothing more than collapse under a thick pile of blankets. The adrenaline has worn off, and you feel every scrape on your skin and the burning heat of the wound on your ear. It’s not that big, maybe half an inch as you examine it in the mirror, but it’s dark brown from dried blood, the crusted stream of it trailing down your lobe and neck. You watch the porcelain of the old sink start to sweat and the tiny frosted window in your shower start to fog up. By the time you’re underneath the somewhat pitiful attempt of your shower head to spit out a torrent of hot water, you’re already half asleep, unable to care that even after all that just transpired, you can’t take a relaxing shower. You make a mental note to try to replace the shower head at some point. Or to get one of the boys to do it. Feminism and all.
You wash the blood, sludge and other questionable biohazards from the water banks off your body, but every time you close your eyes, you’re back on the docks, that smug grin looking down above you. But to be fair, you don’t know if was actually grinning, it was dark and everything happened so fast—
You slap your cheeks a couple of times. Why are you so intent on finding a way out of this?
Because he saw you. He saw you. He saw you.
It was enough to make you nauseous. Not the fact that he saw you there, with Jungwon, Sunoo, and Jay. But at the coffee shop, with your guard down, laughing with Ricky. Your back straightens as panic shoots through you, cold and like a lightning rod. Ricky. Was he a target now? Was Heeseung going to go after anyone he thought you might be friendly with?
But that would mean you’re important enough, another voice chides in your head. Why would he target you? It’s not like you had any sort of sway or ranking in the syndicate. You were a simple foot soldier. Taking you out would change quite literally nothing. The water starts to come out in spurts, and you’re fairly certain your downstairs neighbors are going to have some choice words for you the next time they see you with how bad the walls seem to be rattling. You turn the shower off and grab your towel, bury your face in the fabric for a minute, trying to breathe slowly and clear your head of everything racing through it.
“See you around” echoes in your head when you’re finally tucked into bed. The sheets feel too hot, but your back aches and your head is pounding, and you just want to forget this entire day.
“Smug son of a bitch,” you spit out.The circumstances still made the question ring clear in your brain, as if somebody was ringing the alarm bells right inside your skull. It was like he knew exactly who you were when he orchestrated it, like he had done it on purpose. Did you he know? Did he know? Did he know?Running like a bullet train through your head over and over as you tried to rewind the whole day in your head, relive that entire interaction in the coffee shop, cursing yourself for putting all your effort into giving him the cold shoulder instead of paying closer attention. It was as if he had tried to fluster you so you’d practically lay yourself down at his feet so he could put a bullet or two through you.
Well he’d be an absolute moron to think that just cause he was freakishly good looking, you’d let that throw you off your game. But considering how your two interactions had gone, you had no other reason to believe otherwise. But there was no way you’d let your burn out make you go soft. You weren’t out, not yet at least, so in the mean time you were built of steel, iron forged in hellfire.
‘See you around’ my fucking fists you thought to yourself exhaustion finally began to win the war between your restless energy and sleep dragged you under.
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
N o w
When he watches the black car finally rumble away from the corner it’s been parked at for hours, Heeseung feels like he’s going to throw up. His back and knees are screaming from where’s been crouched, but he’s been afraid to move for so long now, worried that even the slightest puff of air from his mouth would be all it took to give his hiding spot away on the third story of the dingy old safehouse. The weight on his chest felt molded to him, and he felt all the walls he’d spent two years building crumble in just a moment. Everyday he locked away the memories of what he had been forced to do—what he chose to do, forced himself not to think on it or dwell, because the truth was if he did, he’d fall where he stood, curl up on the ground, and wait for the dirt and insects to take him back as their own. He watches from behind the moth eaten curtain, peering through the dirty window where street lights cast a hazy yellow glow on the now empty road.
He swallows and his throat is so dry it feels like there’s a thousand cuts he’s raking through. It was you in that car. You and Jay together, waiting for him, there’s no doubt about it. Why now, after so long had passed? More importantly, how did they find him? He had been off the grid for so long—had been shipped (exiled) out of the city over a year ago on a covert affair and only a couple of weeks ago he had been allowed back. He supposed it was only a matter of time until the grim reaper came to collect, and he had a feeling Dark Moon had been waiting for this moment for a while—he’d be stupid to think there weren’t inside agents and moles playing the field on both sides. After all, bounties don’t just go away, they collect interest, until the price is too big for one person to pay.
His hands start to flutter to his pockets, reaching for his phone, but he hesitates. He’d be reopening a can of worms all over again, if he actually confronted this. But maybe it was too late—he couldn’t open Pandora’s Box after it had showed up on his doorstep busted open.
He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath as he leans his forehead against the cold window, trying to make the temperature from the glass steep into his head and freeze his racing thoughts. What had happened was for your own safety, both of your safeties really, not that you’d have any reason to believe it. He feels his heart squeeze, the aching remnants of a shattering heartbreak, patched together like a kintsugi bowl, and for a brief moment he wants to throw a temper tantrum, and tear apart the room. He wants to shoot through the windows, rip the curtains apart, and run screaming into the street, begging you to come back, to just hear him out and that he never wanted it to hurt you or have to come to this. But that won’t help anybody now, would it?
Heeseung rolls his shoulders back and slowly steps away from the window. Carefully, he creeps back down the silent hallway of the old safehouse, feet practically ghosting over the stairs so he doesn’t so much as make a sound. He knows that he’s toeing a dangerous line, can feel it in his bones that this was some sort of sign, a reckoning that would become too big for him to handle by himself. There’s not very many people he can trust, but of the ones he can, how many does he want to bring down with him in this? Guilt consumes him in every step, warring with the fear of what all of this could mean. He’s never been one who was good at asking for help, instead he was always the one diving in head first to save a drowning man while he could barely swim. That was how he ended up in this mess in the first place, how he lost you—basically for good, because there was no way to repair the situation. Romeo and Juliet’s tragedy wasn’t some cute love story to romanticize, not when he felt like the universe was basically playing some cruel twist of fate on him, forcing to him to go through every act of the story. He wanted to avoid the ending, so back then, even if it killed every fiber of him, he knew he had to set you loose— force you to go free, even if it meant you’d never look at him the same way again. And every morning when he awoke, and every night when he couldn’t sleep he regrets that decision, knowing that you don’t know the truth of what had actually transpired, that if you two had stayed together, Vamfield would’ve used the both of you and then killed you, or even worse, put your blood on his hands.
Heeseung finally approaches the back exit and swallows hard as he stops before it. He needs to get back to base, and he’ll sneak through the back alleyways and avoid main roads, hoping that you and Jay aren’t still trying to tail him. He digs his phone out from his pocket and calls the first time number he has saved, struggling to press the buttons with how bad his hands are shaking.
“Are you okay? Did you get hurt?” The familiar voice says through the receiver.
“She’s back Jake,” He croaks. “Back to finish the job.”
SUMMARY: heeseung has been your best friend for as long as you can remember. so begs the question: is there anything wrong with giving your best friend a blowjob on New Year’s Day?
PAIRING: best friend!heeseung x fem!reader
WORD COUNT: 3.6K
NOTES: happy new year, enjoy this short drabble 🖤 please consider reblogging and leaving a comment (or two!)
I’m also thinking about finally opening up a taglist for all future work, so let me know if you’d like to be added :)
WARNINGS: dom x sub dynamics, big dick heeseung, blowjob & deep throating, doggy, spanking, slight masochism & sadomasochism elements, choking, teasing & dirty talk, heeseung controls the speed with a belt around reader’s head, cumming in your mouth, mentions of heeseung eating pussy, unresolved feelings.
Nothing compares to fucking your best friend.
There isn’t a drug that comes close to how horny you get at the anticipation of Heeseung pushing himself inside of you. It’s hot, it’s messy, and it’s the kind of sex that has you clawing at the bedsheets while he’s demolishing you at record speed. Seldom has anyone made you as wet as Heeseung does to the point where hookups and flings don’t live up to your standards anymore. Getting off is fun, but compared to the unspoken chemistry that lingers between you and your best friend, having sex with other people feels like a pathetic attempt to pretend there’s nothing going on between you two.
It doesn’t happen often. You’re pretty sure your mutual friends don’t even know the two of you have been fucking on and off for the last six months. You’ll call him to your apartment when your friend-turned-roommate is out of town. If the two of you are the last ones to go home, Heeseung will touch you in the car and pull into an empty parking lot to release pent up sexual tension. These intoxication sessions leave you dazed and satisfied when it’s all over, hooking up every other month or so has felt like hooking up every other week because sex with Heeseung is never just a single round. There’s foreplay, heavy petting, dirty talk, and multiple rounds before the two of you think of parting ways and saying goodbye. The two of you are naked for hours by the time you’ve orgasmed for the nth time and when Heeseung can’t stay hard any longer. You’ve both managed to act normal under these circumstances, giving the appropriate amount of physical touch and keeping verbal affection to a minimum when you’re with other people. Everyone else thinks it’s normal–they either have hope for this potential relationship or had let the thought go after years of remaining friends–for you and Heeseung to be in each other’s orbits as much as you already are.
It all started that one night back in April, the heat in Heeseung’s room making sleeping unbearable, especially since you had to deal with Heeseung pressed so close to your body. It’s a bit funny thinking about how hot you were since your neighborhood’s power went out just a few hours before. Multiple blankets and sweaters couldn’t block out the frigid cold that seeped into your apartment no matter if you shut your windows or put on all the clothes you own. Heeseung had offered his place for you to sleep at, and when you took your sweater off of your body with the fabric catching on your shirt until your chest was bare, you realized he was awake because he moaned.
There he was, leaning on his elbow while he looked at your nipples. You hurried to take off the sweater and fix your shirt, pulling it back over your chest, your cheeks heating up at the embarrassment because while he’s seen you in bikinis and short dresses over the years, not once has Heeseung ever seen you naked. You’d thrown the sweater somewhere on the floor next to you and your best friend, presumably more alert at this point, looked from your covered tits to your eyes with the kind of expression that made you both nervous and excited. You’d be stupid to deny that you’ve thought about Heeseung looking at you like this. When he moves his hand towards the hem of your shirt, pulling it up your chest to expose you to him once again, you don’t tell him to stop. His warm mouth was a euphoric sensation. He was still tired, that was for sure, as he lazily sucked around your bud while flicking it with his wet tongue. The affair was soft at first, as Heeseung gradually awoke and your inevitable arousal overtook your senses because the next thing you know, the two of you fucked each other until you both passed out.
One thing you’ve learned is how much you love teasing him. He’s normally easy-going and doesn’t have much to say unless he’s comfortable enough to say what’s on his mind. Heeseung is shy by nature, but he has his confident moments where it seems like nothing in the world can touch him. Sex with you is one of those times, because for as docile as he is when he’s sober-minded, you’re just as bratty and as loud-mouthed when you’re horny and turned on. There’s nothing he loves more than to put you in your place when he’s alone with you.
“You talk big for a girl with a small mouth.”
“Why don’t you put it to use and find out?”
It’s technically New Year’s Day, but neither of you are keeping track of the time. He’s buzzed and so are you. You know testing him is the wrong thing to do, but seeing Heeseung’s patience run thin thrills you like no other. Your body’s already completely naked on his bed with your tits pressed underneath you and against his mattress, Heeseung’s dick lodged deep into your pussy while your legs lay on either side of him. The angle allows him to stay inside of you and present our ass to him, which has undoubtedly turned multiple shades of red as he spanked you. It began with his hands after he saw just how sexy you looked with your body bent before him. He raised his right hand and slapped each ass cheek, continuing as he heard you moan out for him and realized you love being used more than you lead on. Heeseung repeatedly slapped both asscheeks and the sting of his palm felt wild and tantalizing in conjunction with how hard he was thrusting. You could feel both his dick and his hands, and you weren't sure which one you liked more.
Then came the belt. He was obsessed with that goddamn black leather belt he wouldn’t have bought if not for his cowboy costume for the New Year’s Party with a dress code that screamed Halloween. The two of you hadn’t meant to match, with you dressed as a sexy cowgirl fit with a garter and a prop gun that shot tequila out of the barrel. You weren’t supposed to be in town in the first place. Heeseung didn’t know that your plans had been cancelled and that your friends convinced you to show up to this party instead. The two of you looked like you planned a couple’s costume and by the time you were tired of drinking and dancing, you both decided to sleep it off at Heeseung’s place since it was much closer to the party. And now your ass is red from your best friend folding the belt in half and whipping your flesh to watch it jiggle for his enjoyment. He thrusts his cock into you a few times before pulling himself out completely, leaving you to whine at the loss of delicious friction.
“Get up,” Heeseung commands in that deep voice he uses when he’s scolding you, grabbing a sweater from his chair to provide cushion against his hardwood. “Get on your knees and open your mouth. You’re too horny to argue, instead choosing to obey and crawl to the edge of the bed before properly kneeling before him. Heeseung’s cock stands with his tip pointed directly at your face. When you stick your tongue out to lick him, your best friend grips your hair from the scalp and tilts your heat back until you’re looking up at him with your neck straining. “Don’t touch me. I didn’t say you could do anything other than getting on your knees and opening your mouth.”
“I did what you asked,” you bark back with a devilish smile on your mouth.
“I don’t recall telling you to lick my cock. Tsk. You’re so fucking impatient. It’s a turn off.”
You laugh at his bluff. “Sure. Must be why you’re rock hard whether you’re in my pussy or in my mouth.” Heeseung grips your hair tighter and relishes in the way you wince, eyes shutting for a brief second while he uses his other hand to grip the tip of his dick, slapping it on the left side of your face repeatedly before letting go of your hair. He uses a bit of force to push you backwards but you don’t mind that at all. In fact, you were hoping he’d do what he usually does–shove his dick in your mouth until he’s effectively fucking your throat at the speed of light, but he doesn’t.
“Stick your tongue out.”
You do as he says and present him the flat surface of your pink tongue. Heeseung guides the head until he’s sliding it against your wet muscle. You can taste remnants of yourself and past orgasms on him, it’s salty and warm and you're tempted to swallow him whole. But you know there’s a limit that you can push before Heeseung would actually leave you high and dry just to punish you. He’s never done it, but there’s this voice in the back of your mind that tells you to stop when you think of pushing him even further, and you can’t think of a worse fate than not having Heeseung make you come.
His cockhead is so smooth and savory to the taste. You look up at him but he doesn’t spare you a glance, instead choosing to focus on the wet mess his dick and your tongue are making. Heeseung lifts himself just to slap himself against you, using his hand to move in repeated motions until you can hear your spit and his precum splashing all over the place. It isn’t enough to cause a big commotion, but you can feel the way it’s starting to seep towards the corners of your mouth and fall down your bottom lip.
“You always want my cock when I pull it out,” Heeseung groans, pulling himself out to smear your spit over your cheeks. You keep your tongue out as he moves the underside of him over your mouth, gliding his dick until your tongue has reached the seam of his balls and then back over again and again. “You look so fucking good when you’re waiting for me to stick it in. Your mouth and pussy are so greedy for me, but right now I want to see your face stuffed with my cock. I want spit drooling from your mouth until it’s spilling into your tits. I want a messy blowjob, you hear me? If you don’t choke and gag, it’s not what I want.”
Heeseung pulls away and grips himself by the base to align his tip with your mouth, pushing the head in. Your mouth encloses around him but you don’t dare to push your head forward to deepthroat him like you normally would. Your best friend looks so determined to use your mouth like a toy and you make yourself look like something that can’t talk or fight back. Heeseung looks the sexiest when he uses your body until he’s satisfied because you know this means he’ll return the favor until your pussy is absolutely spent. Giving him a blowjob is a joy in itself, but you’re equally as excited knowing he’ll fuck you however you want once he’s satisfied.
He keeps his dick just barely in your mouth with two or three inches lodged inside you. You watch him grab the belt from the bed with one hand as he toys with it above you, snapping the leather to make you squirm. It makes you clench around absolutely nothing and the cold draft in his room does nothing to soothe your wet pussy and the goosebumps that have formed all along your body. Heeseung doesn’t do anything except put the belt around you until you can feel it pressing against the back of your head.
You don’t get a chance to prepare. Heeseung pulls your head towards his pelvis with the belt, impaling your throat with the entirety of his length and girthy cock, which makes you gag at the sudden intrusion. His tip nudges against the back of your throat like it’s trying to convince you to choke around him, and you do. You try to swallow by constricting your throat but all of the spit that has procured in the last few seconds starts to seep out of your mouth the longer Heeseung keeps his dick inside of you.
“You look so sexy with my cock in your mouth. I like it when you can’t talk back to me. You have such a loud fucking mouth.” Heeseung looks down at you and listens to the way you gag around him, and like the good girl you are, your hands are down by your side and not clawing at his thighs for stability. You have the most perfect posture when you’re trying to focus on breathing. It drives him insane to see you fighting with yourself because he knows that one part of you loves it when your mouth is stuffed. “It’s cute when we’re with our friends. You’re polite and funny. You always make me laugh. But when it’s just us two? Goddamn, baby. You run your mouth like a fucking train and don’t listen to a single thing I say until I’m hurting you.” He loosens the grip he has on his belt, allowing you to pull away from him to take a small breather, spit flowing out of your mouth until it drips down the side of your face and onto your chest. You suck around the first couple of inches while the belt’s only loosely wrapped around your head. “I don’t want to see you in pain, but you keep testing my patience. It’s like you want me to hurt you.”
Of course, you can’t say anything. All that’s left is the slurping sound of your wet mouth against his wet dick, sucking on whatever you can reach. Heeseung laughs at your desperation and pulls you closer to him again until your nose hits his smooth and defined pelvis. You choke again and it’s like your pain is something that makes Heeseung laugh. “I know you love my cock in you like this. You can be such a sweet girl when you want to be. Where is she tonight, hm? What happened to the girl who let me fuck her pussy for hours a few weeks ago? You were so obedient for me. Did you get tired of waiting for me to fuck do? Is that why you’re acting up?”
Heeseung keeps his hips still for the most part as to not reward you by fucking your face while he does all the work. Instead, your best friend pulls and pushes your head until you move in tandem, feeling the belt against you with every movement of your head. It’s hard not to choke when Heeseung’s dick is repeatedly jamming the back of your throat, the quiet of his room providing an erotic backdrop as you gag around him with even more spit oozing from your mouth. The whole ordeal looks and sounds obscene. Heeseung’s dick stretches your mouth out like nobody has before to the point where you’re sure this session has permanently imprinted him on your body, and you’re sure nobody will ever fuck you the way your best friend does.
His heavy balls swung underneath him, and when he quickens the pace, they hit your chin and jawline. There are too many sensations for you to focus on–his balls, his big dick, the spit, being unable to breathe, and the feeling of being watched–for you to choose which one turns you on the most. Heeseung’s capable of making you go crazy because he’s able to fuck you mentally and physically at the same time. His cock makes you drool and restricts how much you’re able to breathe until he’s feeling generous enough to allow you to catch your breath while his eyes glare down at you like you’re in some evil, revengeful plot to get you to look pathetic for him. It doesn’t matter to you because it’s all the same–Heeseung will make you lose your mind because of how much pleasure he brings to your body and because you always feel desired by him no matter how he’s looking at you.
“Your tears are turning me on,” Heeseung tells you while he uses his belt to control your movements. It’s true, tears have since emerged around your eyes with a single tear threatening to fall to your cheek. But it’s so hot. You’d let him make you cry as many times as he wanted. “You play neutral when we’re in public. Not too sexy but not too innocent. Fuck, you’re so confident that it’s scary. You don’t take shit from anybody. I love seeing you like this because it’s the only time you’d ever submit to me. That’s fucking sexy. Wish all our friends could see you like this. You’re a whore. But so am I, right? A whore for your pussy and mouth, just like you’re a whore for my dick.”
You moan around him, but it sounds a bit chopped with the speed you’re impaling yourself around him. There’s a surprising layer of vulnerability in his words. Heeseung is incredibly good at dirty talk and has his fair share of moments that makes your head spin because he’ll go from threatening to pound you into the mattress to slow, soft thrusts while he kisses your neck like you’re made of something delicate. He’s never been so forward and open during sex like he is now, but maybe it’s because he knows you can’t physically talk to tease him for his vulnerability. If you’re being honest, too, the reward for fighting against him has less to do with painful punishments than it does with allowing yourself to act out and throw a tantrum, one that you know Heeseung is more than willing to put up with. He’ll laugh and encourage your bratty behavior under the guise of trying to make you obey, too entertained by the difference in how you act when you’re naked versus fully clothed. You push his buttons the way people push yours, bite back at him in the same way people say harsh things to you, and defy him like he knows you want to when you’re not having sex with him. This side of you is something that’s been dormant for years and, apparently, Heeseung is the one to bring it out of you.
Fucking your throat feels like granting your silent wish of being used like you’re absolutely nothing because everybody always needs you. Everybody assumes you will inconvenient yourself to make other people happy and this unfair weight on your shoulders is released when Heeseung fucks you so long and hard that you forget all of your problems exist. They become easier to manage when you stop thinking before you act. Your best friend’s more than willing to indulge you, but you never thought he might feel the same way about having sex with you.
“Oh fuck,” Heeseung says between moans. “I’m cumming. Gonna cum in your little mouth. Fuck, here it comes.”
With his belt, Heeseung keeps your face pressed right against his lap when you feel his hot cum spurt at the back of your throat. His cum is warm and you try to swallow around him to prevent his massive load from truly choking you, but some of it still ends up pushing from between your tongue and his dick until it spills to your chin and the corners of your mouth. You can feel Heeseung throbbing against you while he finishes cumming, his cock so warm against your mouth that you don’t mind the fact that he’s stuffing himself down your small hole. He lets go of one side of the belt and allows you to pull your head off of him. You use the pad of your thumb to scoop the cum that’s fallen out of your mouth, sucking on your finger while Heeseung’s dick hangs in the air with a single bead of cum latched onto the tip. You lean forward to lick the slit and only the slit, to which Heeseung laughs and shudders.
“Happy New Year,” he says in a whisper as he tries to catch his own breath before pushing a kiss to your lips with the kind of tenderness you can’t seem to read. Heeseung pulls you up by the elbows and helps you back on the bed after you’ve spent a long period of time with your knees on his floor, this time letting your back lay against the mattress while he hovers over you with his still-hardened dick touching your leg. “Let me eat you out as a thank you for that incredible mouth of yours.” He descends, making you forget about the pain on your kneecaps until you're moaning out for him, cumming into his mouth so many times that you can barely keep track.
Heeseung fucks you with just as much passion and vigor as he usually does and it makes you wonder when the two of you will finally address what’s been left unsaid.
ijbol at me saying i might leave this blog in 2026 but having some steam left 😭
SUMMARY: Is three years enough time to heal and move on? Just when you think you’ve got your life figured out, Sunghoon comes barging in and disrupting the peace you’ve built for yourself in the name of fixing his mistakes. It stirs up old feelings and dangerous habits, but Sunghoon is determined to show you that you’re the only one for him, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make you love him again.
WORD COUNT: 33K
PLAYLIST: the playlist + ego death at a bachelorette party
NOTES: happy birthday, my sunghoon. i swear part two will be your redemption <3
WARNINGS: use of alcohol and sex as a coping mechanism, infidelity but it's not really cheating, drunk sex, accidental voyeurism, oral (m & f receiving), jay drinks bourbon from reader's pussy, missionary, doggy, unprotected sex, shower sex, multiple rounds, jay and yn smoke cigarettes, sunghoon was an awful husband but there's miscommunication, very subtle mentions of homophobia, mild parental abuse and neglect, failing marriage, a whole lotta angst.
(there will be a part two eventually... i wanted to make this one part initially but i couldn't stop writing. sunghoon i'm gonna make things right for you i swear on it...)
OCTOBER 2025
The month of October never ceases to remind you that things change.
The leaves outside of your apartment window are starting to turn into a darker shade of red and brown. They fall onto the cement sidewalk for pedestrians to experience the small joys of stepping on a particularly dry leaf as they take advantage of whatever the weather might be. There is so much happiness in the little things, and yet it’s the subtle changes that serve as a reminder that nothing will ever truly stay the same.
In the small island countryside an hour outside of Seoul, Ganghwa is the complete opposite of the bustling city you grew up in. Instead of bright neon signs and late night tteokbokki carts outside of nightclubs, there are two movie theatres and a myriad of local advertisements on billboards on every highway. Restaurants and shops close around eight o’clock. There’s one outdoor shopping area at the edge of town right by the waterfront that everybody refers to as “the mall” even though it isn’t big enough to be considered one.
You left the city that barely sleeps and traded it in for peace and silence. It’s the kind of quiet that would make any sane person go mad, but you’d rather spend the rest of your days sitting on the front porch of your one-bedroom apartment than maintain a penthouse suite at the La Terrasse. Overlooking Seoul from the very top of the building always had its charm, but it could never hold a candle to listening to the soothing sound of ocean waves pulling itself from the sandy shores nearby.
On your way to work, it's easy to take advantage of the fifteen minute walk down a scenic pathway. You pass by a local coffee shop and pick up a black coffee and a breakfast sandwich. If Minnie is behind the counter, you’ll stay and chat about her kids and the weather for a few minutes until you look at the clock behind her and head out. The town is just starting to wake up when you’re scheduled for the morning shifts and you find nothing better than watching everybody emerge from their cocoons at this time.
Ganghwa Clinic is the only medical facility on the south side of the island with the private hospital on the northern end. It isn’t fancy or as busy like the ones in Seoul, but it’s enough to help the townsfolk get by. It’s owned by Kim Hayoon, who opened the clinic in 1987 with the purpose of bringing quality medical care to her hometown after witnessing the lack of proper treatment when she was a child. For thirty eight years, Hayoon has not only operated this facility, but she has gained the trust and a reputable status within this community. One can only hope to live up to her name someday.
“Oh thank god you’re here.”
Kim Sunoo stands before you in work pants and a polo shirt underneath light blue scrubs peeking out from below it. At this early hour, Sunoo looks like the epitome of a walking doll and you don’t know how he does it.
“What, did the clinic catch on fire?”
“Haha, very funny. Everything’s fine. I’m just tired and bored, and Jake’s probably losing his mind because he’s been up for God knows how long.”
“You couldn’t wait until I clocked in to bother me, could you?”
He merely grins. “Nope. You know how much I like getting on your case.” Rolling your eyes has become second nature at this point.
“How’s Riki doing? Any minor injuries that I need to know about?”
“He’s eating out of the palm of my hand, as per usual,” Sunoo says with a playful laugh that makes his ears turn red. “He keeps making up excuses to come here. It’s completely bullshit, but I can’t help feeling sorry for the guy.”
Smiling, you wait for him to approach before walking towards the back area. “You’re endeared, Sun. I know that much for sure.”
“Ugh, as if. He’s an annoying pest that keeps coming in for minor ‘injuries’ that shouldn’t count as injuries.”
“Maybe, but he’s definitely coming here because he wants to bother you. He gets so upset when you’re not around and he waits until you’re available to help him.”
Sunoo revels in this information. It’s really cute watching your coworker trying (and failing) to deny his budding feelings for the boy. “Whatever. Don’t you need to clock in?”
The clinic itself is small but spacious. It takes up an entire plot of land with an emergency landing area in the front, a special wing for patients that need extra care and overnight stays, a waiting area by the entrance, room for multiple hospital beds and curtains to separate, patient rooms, and a backroom that acts as a home away from home. As the town’s only medical center with equipment sustainable for serious injury just before a trip to the nearest hospital in Seoul, you have become well acquainted with the residents of Ganghwa in the three years you’ve lived on the island.
Perhaps the calm and easy going atmosphere is what keeps you coming back to the clinic a few days a week. There’s little to complain about, even with the ever changing call times and the amount of hours on your timesheet. During flu season during late summer and into early winter, the clinic sees more foot traffic compared to the summertime, where patients typically come in for small work injuries. Children stop by for allergy check ups and the townspeople come by for their annual examinations.
Really, it’s the people that keep you entertained. There are folks from all walks of life who live on this island. Ganghwa has its fair share of elderly neighbors who know about the town’s history by heart and young children who are just learning how to walk. There are fishermen who make humble work by shipping their catch to Seoul for profit and farmers at the northern part of town who help provide local, cheaper produce. It’s a self-sufficient town for the most part and the reason why you’ll never complain about an early or late call time is because you never know who will walk though the clinic doors.
“Thank god you’re here.”
“I’m starting to think this clinic would shut down if I quit.”
Jake Sim looks at you with the kind of smile that would make any girl buckle at the knees. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a week, but he still greets you with a smile and stands up from his chair, discarding his half-eaten sandwich on the desk to pull you into the backroom with Sunoo trailing behind you.
“We all know that’s true. It’s probably why Hayoon wants you to take her position when you’re ready,” Sunoo says as he leans on the desk and combs his hair with his fingers.
“You guys having fun without me?”
“If by fun, you mean tackling the paperwork before the clinic gets busy, then absolutely.” Jake settles back into his chair when you lean on the space next to him. He looks up at you and offers half of his sandwich, but you shake your head and tell him to finish it. “Do you think Hayoon would get mad if I took a quick nap?”
“Don’t be stupid, Sim,” Sunoo says with a short laugh.
“My ass studied until the crack of dawn and forgot I had a shift today. Man, this cardiovascular shit is killing me.” He turns his chair to face you, clutching your hands dramatically. “I’m too young to die. Please, save me from my misery.”
“You’re so stupid.”
“You love me like this,” Jake says with a grin.
“Mhm.”
“Anyway,” Sunoo interrupts, “the clinic’s opening soon so I’ll make my rounds and make sure we’re prepped for the day.”
“Thanks, Sun. Can you make sure patient files are alphabetized when you get the chance? I think one of our interns forgot to put them in order last night.”
“Yup!”
Sunoo leaves the break room and the stopper shuts the door quietly behind him. Jake throws away the excess wrapper and opens his water bottle, chugging half of the container before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Do you think you could come over and help me understand the cardio lesson? Please?”
“You’re literally the smartest person I know. You don’t need my help.”
“And you’re the smartest person I know, which is why I need your help. I nearly failed the last exam and now I’m scared that I’ll fall out of med school.”
Jake watches you roll your eyes. “What was your percentage?”
“Eighty-nine.”
“You ass.” He winces when you smack his shoulder. “You didn’t fail, dumbass.”
“An eighty-nine is not an A, dude. You know that. And you also know that I want to be chief of medical staff at Seoul National Hospital, so I can’t afford to fuck up my final grades.”
“Okay, I get where you’re coming from. It’s fun to give you grief, you know?”
“Very funny. My arms and shoulders always catch strays whenever you’re around.” You hold your hand up and smile when he winces.
“Good. Have I pavloved you enough to be scared of me?” He fixes his posture and dramatically sits upright.
“Nope.”
“Ha. Sure.” You retract your hand and use your time card to clock in by placing the barcode on the back of your ID badge near an electronic reader. “You know, you better savor being able to clock in and get ready after your shift instead of doing all this shit before you start getting paid.”
“Oh, I’m well aware that I’m living in Heaven. Trust me. I hear horror stories from my classmates at their rotations and internships. It makes me happy that Hayoon’s pretty lax on that.”
“Yeah, well, that’s because she runs a neighborhood clinic. When you make it big in Seoul, there’s less pay and more work.”
“Are you trying to say I can’t handle that pressure?”
You smile softly. “No. I’m telling you how it is because making the switch from Ganghwa Clinic to SNH won’t be as smooth as your sweet talking.”
“You flatter me.”
“You know I support your dreams, right?” you ask him. “I think it’s cool. Seoul’s a big place. It’s scary when you don’t know anybody in the big city.”
Jake’s eyes soften. “I know you’re just looking out for me. That's why you agreed to tutor me, right?”
“Tsk. Believe what you want.”
For the better half of three years, Jake’s been somewhere between your coworker and best friend. He was the first person who introduced himself to you when you first moved to Ganghwa with nothing but two large suitcases. Your apartment at the time hadn’t been far from his parents’ fishing port where they'd start work before the sun kissed the sky. When your wheel got stuck on some fishing line, Jake came to the rescue and used a pocket knife to cut and set your luggage free. You’d see him again the next morning when you let the delivery people take your mattress up to your room, and he had asked if you needed an extra pair of hands unpacking.
At this time, the adrenaline that came with running from Seoul hadn’t worn off. You were anything but excited, instead wary of strangers and unable to truly appreciate a simple act of kindness because of the walls you maintained over the last two and a half decades of your life. His offer was met with a meek smile and a weak promise to tell him you’ll let him know if you need any help. He introduced himself and you timidly said your name before watching him walk into his parents’ place of business.
It’s hard to think that so much time has passed since then. You were such a shy, empty shell of a woman compared to the version you see when you look into the mirror. It’s easy to run from your problems, but facing the lonely consequence of starting anew was something you thought you were ready for. Ganghwa was a challenge, though. There was no one to turn to and nothing to protect you from the lonely reality of moving to a new town, especially when you hadn’t known a single soul upon arrival. It was a stark juxtaposition from your life in Seoul. But even through the challenges and uphill battles, finding your way and carving out your own path seemed much more favorable than pretending to be someone you’re not.
Still, the adjustment period took a while until you got used to it. Back home, you were too comfortable living in a large home as the only occupant. The house was grand and opulent, adorned with fine art from Europe and decor from Japan. Every room had a purpose and the household was just homelike enough to make you feel more inclined to keep up your end of the bargain. Seoul was a cushion you could always fall back on with resources and a network more than willing to point you in the right direction, but they never seemed to care enough to help you when you asked. Learning to keep to yourself was far easier than anyone gives you credit for. It must be why everybody was shocked when you had moved to Ganghwa.
The weight of public opinion and familiar judgments follows you to the island. At the beginning, it seemed like the days were long and hard because it felt as though your past was just around every corner. Looking back at this time, you think of yourself as a bit too paranoid and conditioned to feel like you needed to care about what others thought of you. Bending yourself to the will of others was your fatal flaw, or so you’d like to think.
Enter Jake. He’s the perfect boy next door who always seemed to have a smile on his face no matter what the season looked like outside. He was kind, sweet, and always willing to give you a helping hand even if you reached out to him at odd hours of the night. Jake was somebody completely new with no pretext as to who you were or why you came to Ganghwa in the first place. He was just a local citizen trying to get by while working to achieve his dreams on his own. He mirrored you in some way, too. The two of you were pursuing a degree in medicine at the same time, but mostly, you could see yourself in how he carried himself. You saw the way he was passionate about leaving Ganghwa to start a life in a brand new city where he had to prove himself worthy instead of being given opportunity upon opportunity without any real merit.
There’s something about his grit and determination that resonated so deeply within you. Becoming close with him in a short period of time caught you off guard in every way imaginable. Jake was so kind and nonjudgmental, which was something you hadn’t experienced in a very long time, and although it took you a while to let your guard down, the reward was a blooming friendship that remained steady for three years. Unlike the chauvinistic personalities within Seoul’s elite group of families, Jake was down to earth and more than willing to help you let go of the past that haunted you so deeply.
“Did you hear that the fall carnival is coming back to town?”
“Oh, is it?” you ask.
“Mhm. Heard it from my mom a few days back. I guess the company was able to raise enough money to put it back on and make it better this year,”
“I remember when we went. That was a nice night.”
Jake laughs. “I don’t know if ‘nice’ is the right word. Everything looked like it was falling to pieces and the food was terrible. But sure, let’s go with ‘nice.’” ‘
“You’re such a pessimist.”
“Am not! Don’t slander my name.” Jake throws away his trash and clocks back into his shift with his card. “Anyway, I thought it would be cool to go together again. I know you had it pretty rough a few years ago, so I want to make new memories. That, and this carnival was so cool when I was a kid. I need you to experience that version.”
“Okay, I might have to take you up on that offer. Are you still paying like you did the last time we went?"
Jake makes a displeased face. “That was different. But…sure. What the hell. You’re my best friend so of course I’d pay for you.” His mouth contorts into a soft smile when you beam at him.
“You’re the best.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s the least I could do.”
You opt to join Sunoo in the front of the clinic while Jake works on some paperwork for Hayoon. He tells you he’ll be out in an hour or so, or whenever it starts to pick up. When you’re about to cross the threshold outside, Jake pulls your attention back to him when he calls out your name.
“Yeah?”
“Before I forget to ask, did Hayoon ever talk to you about a new investor?”
You shake your head. “Nope. Haven’t heard a thing about that.”
“Huh. Okay, ignore me.”
“Why are you asking?” He shrugs casually, looking at the computer monitor before looking back at you.
“I think she’s been talking to somebody about bringing more money in for the clinic.”
“That's good, though. A new investor means more money.”
“I guess.” You lean on the door frame.
“Why do you seem so apprehensive about it?”
“Well…I have a weird feeling. She knows more about this stuff than I do, obviously, but my gut’s telling me that something’s about to happen.” He waves himself off like he’s trying to convince you that he’s alright. “I’m probably overthinking it. I’m not privy to this stuff since Hayoon’s the main boss. I have a little bit of knowledge about investors because of my dad’s fishing business, but that’s pretty much it.”
“How do you know about this anyway? Did she talk to you about it?”
“Nope. I saw it in her email when I logged into work last week. Hayoon didn’t log out of her and I opened it by accident. Saw the correspondence and everything. Apparently, someone reached out to her out of the blue and said he was interested in investing.”
“You snooped through her emails?!”
“It was an accident!” Jake exclaims with his hands in the air. “I didn’t mean to read them but…it just kind of happened.”
“Okay so, what, some company reaches out to Hayoon out of the blue?”
“Seems like it. A bunch of people were copied that I don’t recognize. Legal teams and stuff. Don’t you think cold emailing somebody and being persistent on investing is a little shady?”
“Maybe not. Hayoon’s pretty well connected in Seoul, so it’s not that weird, I think. She’s been relying on investors since she started the clinic.”
“Yeah, you're right. Maybe it’s business from word of mouth?”
You shrug. “A blessing is a blessing.”
“They’ve been talking back and forth about setting up a meeting to discuss this in depth. He offered to pay the money upfront but she suggested sending somebody to check out the clinic before making any rash decisions.”
“She should just take the money and run,” you say with a half laugh.
“I think so too. But you know Hayoon. She’s painfully thorough and only accepts money from people who actually believe in this clinic.”
“It’s what I like about her the most.”
“Me too. You know what’s weird? I did some digging into this company and they’re huge. I’m talking about investing in major stocks and partnering with Fortune 500 companies in America, huge. I don't know how Ganghwa Clinic got on their radar or why they want to invest in us. It makes me think this is some pro bono type shit.”
There’s a brief pause. “Corporations have quotas they need to fill on an annual basis. A large part of the greater capital landscape includes giving back to the community and investing time and money into charitable businesses that do good in different areas of Korea. Maybe this is their objective.”
“You sound like you’re sure.”
“That’s because I am.”
“Another one of your weird backstories you refuse to talk about?”
“You could say that.”
“Okay. Let’s say you’re right. It doesn’t seem like they’re doing this to be nice. A company as big as this would have a history of charitable work, but they don’t. I’ve never read anything about this company supporting any business that doesn’t directly tie into their own financial gain. I don’t understand why this company, or the guy who reached out for that matter, is so hellbent on investing in us.”
“What’s the name of the company?”
“Park Financial Group.”
What?
“I’m sorry, Park Financial Group is the company that wants to invest in us?”
“Yeah?”
“Who’s the person Hayoon’s been emailing? Who’s coming to see the clinic?”
“Why does it matter?”
“It just does, Jake.”
The way you look at him and the finality in your tone makes the hair on the back of Jake’s neck stand at attention. You’ve never talked to him like this. He’s used to playful banter or lulls in conversation where you look like you’re reminiscing about a past life from before you moved to Ganghwa, something Jake learned not to question in the early months of your friendship. But you’ve never talked to him like you’re afraid of what you might find out. It almost makes him scared to tell you what he knows.
“Tell me. Who’s coming to the clinic?”
“Some guy called Park Sunghoon.”
Shit.
*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ
JANUARY 2004
There’s a sweet bun in your lunchbox. Again.
Maybe other eight-year-olds love sweet buns filled with vanilla cream and powdered sugar on top, but you’re not one of those kids. It tastes like sugar packets were poured directly onto your tongue. That sweet sensation makes your teeth ache and you’d much rather eat the savory items in your lunchbox, but your mother has a knack for trying to make you into something you’re not.
You don’t eat it, but you don’t throw it out because your mom has a way of making you feel guilty for not fully appreciating the things she gives you, even if you never asked for them in the first place. If it’s uneaten, you’re likely to hear her go on and on about how ungrateful you are and hear her compare you to your younger brother—Jungwon has a sweet tooth and will always finish what’s put on his plate—which leaves you exhausted and upset. She’d say that you’re wasting good, expensive food when you throw it away because some less fortunate soul could’ve gotten it instead, and berate you for choosing to toss it in the trash. It was always a lose-lose situation with her.
That layer of complexity was too much for you at that young age. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to eat it as fast as you can to avoid tasting it. But you’d be really sick after, right? All that sugar makes your stomach hurt and your mouth feel so dry. You’re not allowed to have anything but your pencils and workbooks with you. Water breaks were only during recess and class time outs. Throwing the dessert in the trash wasn’t an option either. You’d feel bad for the poor, imaginary soul who you envisioned watching you throw away a perfectly good treat.
On a Wednesday afternoon in January, your classmate Sunghoon laments over the fact that he forgot his lunch. His desk is right next to yours. It sits just a few feet apart and today’s a particularly rainy day, so lunch recess is held in the classrooms instead of outside on the playground. You look at him from the corner of your eyes and see his plush lips pouting like he’s about to cry. He stares at his empty desk and his quiet demeanor makes you feel bad for him.
What if you gave your sweet bun to Sunghoon?
“Here,” you offer, putting it on his desk. He looks at you but doesn’t say anything. “You can have it. Did you forget your lunchbox? I forget mine too sometimes. My mom says I’m forgetful.”
Sunghoon looks at it curiously and you hide a smile when he picks it up to inspect it.
“I hate sweets,” you assure him. “You can have it.”
He unwraps the bun and takes a slow bite. It takes him a second to chew and he glances sideways towards you while he does it. You think he must be a shy little thing with the way his eyes dart back to his hands when you look back at him.
“Vanilla. My favorite.”
You smile. “I like chocolate. But not when it’s really sweet. White chocolate is too sweet. Makes my teeth hurt.”
“I like candy and cake. My dad says me and my sister eat too much of it.”
“Maybe you do.”
“Hey.”
You giggle. “Just kidding. More dessert for you.”
Sunghoon doesn’t look so sullen anymore and that little pink dust on the apples of his cheeks makes him look so precious. The younger version of yourself feels a sense of warmth in your chest when you watch him eat instead of sulk over having no lunch that day. You think of him like some sort of newborn fawn looking at the world for the first time. He’s always been a shy, quiet kid who never raises his hand unless your teacher asks him questions directly. He doesn’t have many friends either, just his younger sister who goes to school in the kindergarten class across campus.
In some ways, you take it upon yourself to befriend Sunghoon and coax him out of his shell. Your mother, pleased with the sweet bun having seemingly been eaten from your lunchbox, packs you another one the following morning. It’s the same one from the previous day and you give it away to Sunghoon, who remembered to bring his lunchbox. He looks at you quite stunned when you walk up to him by the sandbox and hand him the sweet bun without saying a word. Sunghoon’s little hand takes it from you and watches as you sit next to him and begin eating.
This pattern repeats itself during your lunch breaks. It doesn’t matter the dessert—more sweet buns, pies, cakes, or anything with too much frosting—you give it to Sunghoon and tell him some long winded, elaborate story about how much you detest desserts and how these particular sweets came to be in your lunchbox. In due time, Sunghoon begins to accept the sweet treats like he’s expecting you to hand it to him every time he sees you. A natural balance is created and it’s a win-win for the both of you. Sunghoon gets his fair share of being a sweet tooth and you no longer have your mother on your back about not appreciating what she gives to you.
He doesn’t talk too much but that doesn’t bother you at all. You’re used to your younger brother letting you talk his ear off while he remains quiet. You’d force him to dress up in a princess dress and play pretend with him to his dismay, and you’d speak on behalf of all the plush animals in your collection until you were satisfied with how it went. Tea parties were always your favorite. You’d create elaborate stories and assign character traits to the stuffed animals sitting at the table from nefarious business scandals (the brown bear absolutely stole a heap's worth of candy from the polar bear) to love affairs (the rabbit loved both the horse and the giraffe). All of it was discussed over tea with the melody of your voice serving as the soundtrack. Your brother chimed in from time to time, but it was always you that carried each conversation.
Somewhere along the way, Sunghoon became a replacement for these make-believe conversations. He was a real, tangible person who was willing to listen to everything you had to say, and it was the first time somebody paid real attention to you without obligation. Your mother and father were always too busy to pick you up from school or to entertain childlike wonder when they were off running a multi-billion dollar company, but these nuances wouldn’t come to you until much later in life. At this moment, Sunghoon is your best friend.
It was quite the surprise to find out that his parents knew yours. Of course, at such a young age, understanding how integral your respective families were to the greater Korean society went far over your little head. To you, your parents were merely people who provided a roof and enough food to keep you from going hungry. It wasn’t until one fateful evening that your parents brought you to the Park residence, where Sunghoon was wearing a three piece suit. Even at such a young age did you think he looked a bit silly like that. It wasn’t like you were any better in your baby pink pleated dress, opaque white tights, and shoes that made you feel like a ballerina. You’d fussed about the shade of pink but relented after a screaming match with your mother.
Everybody was delighted to know the two of you had become fast friends. While his parents were worried that Sunghoon’s introverted tendencies would prevent him from making friends, your parents were worried that your extroversion would scare people off. There was a nice balance both sets of parents foresaw as the two of you hid away in the playroom just around the corner from the private dining hall in his home.
Sunghoon has always been a sweet, quiet child. His patience and temperament was unmatched at his young age and everybody noticed it too. He had those chubby cheeks that made him look exceptionally cuter than he already was, and the younger version of you couldn’t help but point them out every time you sat next to him during recess in grade school. He wasn’t without other friends, but nobody knew him quite like you did. Even without having to say a word or lift a finger, you always seemed to know that basking in his silence meant he hung onto every word you said.
He knew so much about you throughout the years the two of you grew up together. It wasn’t just sandbox lunch dates. It was social luncheons where his dress shirt collar was too tight and when your outfit was too colorful for your liking. It was weddings and birthdays for mutual friends within your shared social circle. Sunghoon saw you past his classmate who gave him sweet desserts as an act of defiance against your mother, who he knew could be overbearing when she wanted to be. And it wasn’t like Sunghoon was silent. He always preferred to talk when he had something to say and keep to himself otherwise. His father had taught him the importance of keeping one’s mind clear and succinct in order to get his point across. Sunghoon, who had always been a natural introvert, could use the excuse that he had nothing to add to the conversation when he didn’t feel like talking.
You, on the other hand, had no issue striking up conversations. Your ability to pull something out of thin air made you seem like a natural conversationalist, even as young as the second grade. You’re intimidating in ways a child shouldn’t be and well spoken for a girl who was learning how to structure sentences during the school day. Your eagerness to give Sunghoon your sweet treats made him look forward to the lunch recess, but it was your lack of expectation from him that made him stay.
Sunghoon had chosen to stick by your side throughout grade school. The new school year brought changes and uncertainties he wasn’t used to, especially when he’d started to miss class for ice skating competitions when he was younger. Relying you on for homework and to catch him up on the latest gossip was a rewarding end to his tiresome days. It wasn’t until he decided to quit figure skating that your friendship changed forever.
*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ
OCTOBER 2025
“I need a drink.”
“It’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?”
Ganghwa’s best drive bar (or so Jake claims) is a dingy little hideout on the edge of town. It’s a short drive from the clinic and even closer to his apartment. He says he comes here a lot to unwind and catch up with old friends. The bartender knows him well enough to know what he's going to order, and that alone tells you just how often Jake stops by.
It smells of stale liquor and dried beer. Soji bottles sit atop the shelves behind the bar and the yellow light illuminates them like they’re meant to be some sort of homemade decor. The lighting in the room is too low for you to properly see everything, including a foosball table in the back and pool table right next to it. There’s a bit of smoke coming from the back, where a few older men are smoking cigarettes and talking amongst themselves. It feels familiar in ways that light up your bones and make the blood rush right to your cheeks, although you’d like to blame it on the fact that you’re wearing a long sleeved shirt in a warm room.
“This one’s on me,” Jake says so casually. The bartender looks at you expectantly and you struggle to say something, looking at Jake like he grew another head.
“You don’t have to do that.” He flashes you that charming smile, the kind that used to make your stomach erupt like a school girl. You suppose it still does, because you turn towards the bartender and tell him you’ll have a rum and coke.
“Tell Jakey what’s wrong and maybe he’ll solve all your problems.”
“First of all, never call yourself ‘Jakey’ ever again.”
“Why? You don’t like it?” He leans against the bar table and raises his eyebrows like he’s trying to get you to laugh. Unfortunately, it works.
“You’re too cool to be talking like that.”
“Like what?”
“Third person. It’s corny. And you’re making me feel embarrassed to be seen with you.”
Jake smiles. “Got you to laugh, though.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” you say with a fond smile of your own. The bartender places both drinks on the table while Jake closes the tab.
You take a sip and feel the carbonation and dark rum slide down your throat. The alcohol tastes like smoked vanilla and caramel and pairs well with the syrupy, sugary taste of Coca-Cola. The cocktail is so simple by design, but it tastes like nostalgia in a cup.
The last time you drank was three and a half years ago and just before you moved to Ganghwa. You felt much like you do now—frustrated, anxious, and uncertain—and had found a bit of solace in the late hour accompanied by various cocktails and wines at your disposal. Life seemed much bigger than yourself back then. It felt like a never ending cycle of ego competitions and wondering if the next day would feel the same as the last. A good, strong liquor could make you feel like things were getting better, and it made you normal with your predicament. The familiar taste that graces your tongue brings you right back to that time in your life.
“What’s up with you today?”
“Me?” You ask, feigning confusion. “Nothing’s wrong. Busy day as usual and I’m just tired.”
“You tell me that and yet we’re in a bar.”
“So what?”
“You never want to come to the bar with me,” Jake explains. “You decline every time I invite you out.”
You feel yourself getting defensive. He watches you frown and straighten your posture. “And? I can choose to abstain from alcohol. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“That isn’t what I meant,” he says with a softer tone. It manages to diffuse how you feel just a little bit, but your fingers are still curled around your glass. That doesn’t go unnoticed by Jake, whose eyes dart to your grip. You manage to loosen it because his stare makes you a bit uncomfortable and you feel like you’re in the hot seat when he does press forward.
You feel similarly to the way you did three years ago. The uncomfortable silence permeates as old feelings come back to the surface like the weight you had put on them suddenly vanished. The truth comes clawing at your throat with its sharp talons prodding at every spot that makes you want to cough. You feel helpless sitting next to him with 90s rock and roll floating in the air around you. It doesn’t help that the alcohol has started to hit on an empty stomach. You can’t remember the last time you ate today. Was it lunch?
Jake looks at you like he’s some sort of curious puppy trying to understand where your head is at. He’s never pushy nor aggressive with his approach. It makes you want to scream and hug him at the same time. Jake’s not one for being very direct when he knows sensitive topics are at play. Instead, he lets you come to him and waits patiently until you’re ready to talk. It’s how he won you over in the first place. While your neighbors and curious townsfolk were eager to get to know the new resident who moved to a small town from a big city, Jake was ready to lend a helping hand and make you feel more comfortable in your new living situation instead of prying for answers to questions they didn’t need to be asking.
The thing is, the truth is sitting just underneath your threshold. It’s like there’s a gate that dictates what comes out of your mouth when you talk and chooses to close shut when it matters the most. You can talk anyone’s ear off about medicine or things you’re currently fascinated by, but the idea of opening up about your past with Sunghoon makes it feel like insects are crawling underneath your skin and making a permanent residence there. Your chest feels heavier now that you realize there’s nothing you can do about stopping him from coming here. Not when he’s that insistent on making it happen.
Everything you’ve been running from feels like they’re catching up to you. No matter how far you travel or how fast you’re going, it still manages to creep up on you like the cold autumn wind that follows hot summer air. It takes you by surprise. Just when you thought you’ve settled into your new life and manage to gather a routine that makes you feel excited about waking up the next morning, reality comes knocking on your door expecting to be let in. Life has a funny way of reminding you that these things never truly disappear.
What would you even tell Jake? How could you explain the full truth to him and have it be coherent? Putting your emotions on the line is the last thing you want to do. You came to Ganghwa to forget about your past and you’ve made peace with the idea of things changing and forever evolving. But now it’s like you’ve been sent right back into the past where nothing and nobody could truly ever help nor understand you. How could you explain to Jake all that you’re running from?
The apprehension across your face doesn’t go unnoticed. It’s hard to look at him when he can tell you’re holding yourself back. It’s been three years since Ganghwa became your permanent residence and you haven’t told a soul about why you moved here. Jake, for one, has been by your side since you first moved into your apartment. He’s been respectful and careful when conversation steers into uncharted territory. But what’s past is past and you can’t change anything from where you sit. Memories of late night rendezvous and managing to keep yourself awake for hours on end flash through your mind when you put yourself back in Seoul. The life you had in the past is nothing compared to the quiet but tedious one you live now. In fact, you’d take the peace and quiet that comes with a small town over loud chatter any day.
There’s deep shame when you think about it. It’s the kind of feeling that keeps you up at night like an old haunt that refuses to leave you alone. Jake is so far removed from the person you once were and the life you lived; he’s the kind of person you can rely on when it counts and he’d never complain about an inconvenience if it means seeing you happy. He’ll answer the phone in the middle of the night without complaining and he’ll question everything just the right amount without prying too much. Jake is every bit of considerate in ways you aren’t and he’s the complete opposite of the people you knew back in Seoul. They would never dare to open doors they’re unwilling to shut behind them, but Jake is different. He’ll scope out the entire room and find every nook and cranny before piecing together the entire picture. He always knows the right questions to ask and will never leave any stone unturned, even if that means being patient and waiting for the right time to ask every question he harbors in his mind.
“Is it because Hayoon didn’t tell us about the investor?”
“No,” you say again with an exasperated sigh. “She doesn’t need to tell us who she’s doing business with. This clinic existed long before we were here. It’s not like I have the right to know everything going through her mind at any given moment.”
“You’re right, but we all know Hayoon wants you to run the clinic after you’ve gotten some experience when you graduate. That, and we all know it’s your dream to operate it whenever she decides to retire.”
“It doesn’t bother me that she didn’t say anything about the new investor. Seriously.”
“You’re either lying to me or you’re not telling me the whole truth.”
“Shut up.”
He grins. “Ah. I’m onto something.”
“How she runs her business isn’t up to me,” you say as you settle back into your chair. “It’s not like I’m taking over the business any time soon. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to loop me in on it, or anything.”
“But?”
“But what?”
“Come on, dude. There’s something else you aren’t telling me. I respect it if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but you’ve been on edge ever since this morning. I’m only asking because I care about you. I’ve never seen you like this and it’s starting to worry me.”
“It’s long and it’s complicated.”
“I can do complicated.” He looks right at you. You, on the other hand, look down at your fingers and pick around your nails. Looking at Jake has become too much.
“Ha. Yeah, right. I’ve probably got enough trauma and terrible life experience to make you want to run for the hills.”
“Nah. You know me well enough to know there’s nothing that could scare me. I want to be a surgeon for a living, my dear.”
“Do you want to stare at open bodies all day?”
“Don’t change the subject. Why are you so apprehensive about this Sunghoon guy?”
Your mouth forms a thin smile. It irritates you to know that Jake’s right to call you out on your bullshit. He might be the only person in your life who might.
“I used to be married to him.”
The memory of his brown eyes avoiding your very own comes to mind when you think about him. Sunghoon had asked you to meet him at Vamfield Café on that fateful rainy Saturday morning five years ago. Senior year of undergrad tore you to pieces between the imminent expectation to begin the process of working at your family’s company with the goal of a transition of power by the time your parents wanted to retire. It was a time of reconciliation and considering the notion that the life you wanted was not the life you’d be living.
Sunghoon called you out of the blue. After four years of watching his life on social media and barely hearing from him, your former friend had walked back into your life like he’d never left it. He still looked the same with his thick and dark eyebrows and lean, tall body. But he looks more mature now and much more beautiful than you remembered. When he sat across from you at that small restaurant tucked between a gas station and a dumpling house, you wondered if you were living in a dream or a nightmare.
Will you marry me? He had asked while toying with a small black velvet box.
He hadn’t talked to you since you both left for college. It felt like four years of solitude without him by your side in university. It was the first time in your life Sunghoon hadn’t been someone you could count on. Working on getting over your best friend and moving on felt like it was all for naught and your beating heart gave away the only ounce of dignity you had left. Sunghoon didn’t give you a chance to ask him why when he started to explain his reasoning for coming to you after all these years.
I want to be upfront with you. My parents are only willing to consider me to take over the company if I show them commitment over the next five years. This marriage will only exist on paper and in the media. We’re free to do whatever we want as long as we hold up our contract for a few years.
Sunghoon opens the box and you see a large cut diamond ring. It isn’t your taste at all. It’s expensive and flashy and catches the light from the ceiling, making it glisten right in front of your eyes. This isn’t how you imagined it going at all. Over the years, daydreaming about your best friend had become your favorite pastime and you’d always thought about waking up next to him every morning to help you fall asleep. Ideally, Sunghoon would ask you to marry him in the most casual yet intimate way without making it a grandiose occasion. He’d slip a ring onto your finger and tell you he loved you, and preferably, he’d look you in the eye when asking you to marry him.
What do you say? Sunghoon asked as he looked up from the wooden dinner table. Are you in?
Like a hopefully, starry-eyed doe, you said yes.
Jake spits some of his beer from his mouth. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I used to be married to Park Sunghoon.”
“Yeah, I heard the first time. What do you mean you were married?”
“When two people choose to spend the rest of their lives together, they hold a ceremony—”
“I’m serious,” Jake says with that tone of his that makes you shut your mouth. He’s usually the kind of guy that likes to joke around more often than not. He’s the first person to crack a joke in awkward silence and greet everybody before you could get a word in. The look he gives you tells you everything you need to know about how he might be feeling, and the guilt of keeping so much of your past in the dark weighs on you as you try to sit still.
“Please don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad.” Jake sighs and puts his beer back on the table. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I didn’t expect you to say you were married.”
“For two years.”
“Two years,” Jake says like he’s trying to measure the length of time. “Wow. That’s, uh, a decent amount of time to be married to someone.”
“I was young and really in love.
“As most people would be.”
“Too young to know what I was getting myself into, probably.”
“There are so many couples in this town that probably said the same thing.”
That makes you laugh. “Probably.”
“So you and Sunghoon got married? And then what?”
“Got married, lived together for two years, then divorced.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“It was.”
“We both know you’re lying but I’ll skip past that for now. You’re telling me you didn’t live with him until after your wedding?”
“We had our own separate homes.”
“Where did you go on your honeymoon?”
“We didn’t have one.”
“What?”
“We just weren’t that type of couple.”
“He never took you on a vacation to celebrate being married? You guys jumped straight into domestic, married life and never looked back?”
“You’re too much of a hopeless romantic.”
“And you aren’t romantic enough.”
You check his shoulder with your own. “We were busy, okay? Sunghoon was being considered to take over his father’s company. It was a stressful time for him.”
“What about you?”
“Well, my parents really wanted me to take over their business too. I didn’t want to work for a bunch of financial executives and eventually become one myself, so I left.”
“There are so many questions I have for you,” Jake says. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“You can start anywhere, I guess.”
“You’re rich.”
“That isn’t a question.”
He waves you off. “Semantics. You’re telling me I paid for both of our drinks and you’re rich?”
“Don’t act like you refuse to let me pay.”
“Might let you foot the bill or two.” Your smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes. It isn’t because you might need to actually repay Jake fiscally. There’s some lingering thought in the back of your head that he, and the other people you care about in Ganghwa, will look and treat you differently when they know the truth.
“I’ll pay whatever if that makes you don’t treat me differently.”
His eyes soften. “Hey, I won’t think of you like those rich chaebols who don’t give two shits about the working class. You’ve earned your keep. I just need a minute or two to digest the fact that you used to be married and that you’re an heiress.”
“Ha. Heiress. That’s funny. I highly doubt my parents would give the company to me. Not that I want it, anyway. It’ll probably fall under the hands of my brother.”
“Ah, yes. Jungwon, who fell into the river the first time I took him fishing.”
“That’s the one. He’s way more into this accounting and finance stuff than I am. He’s a natural at it, too. I never cared much for investing or being on the board of some shitty company that turns profit for rich people. Jungwon will do some good.”
“The more you talk, the less chaebol you seem.”
“I don’t think I ever fit that side of the stereotype. I think my parents and everyone else knew it too. My head was always up in the clouds and I hated anything that had to do with fundraisers and public outings. Everyone made me feel like a zoo animal instead of a human being. I always wanted to do something bigger than myself. I was the problem child because I never did what I was told until it was time to step up to the plate and accept responsibility. I hated who I was before moving here. I felt like I was a puppet and everybody got to tug on my strings until they got bored.”
“What do you mean by stepping up to the plate? Did your parents pressure you into taking over the company?” You look down at your drink to see the ice floating in the alcohol. The glass is cool from the condensation, a drastic juxtaposition from how warm and sweaty your palms are becoming.
“Sunghoon and I got married because it’s what our parents wanted. Our marriage would strengthen our family’s reputations and his father would let him take over the company if he started a family. My mom pressured me into it. She said there were rumors about me becoming a spinster. I never cared, but she was the pinnacle of society back then. We’d grown up together and it made sense.”
“Wait…You were in an arranged marriage?”
“Pretty much.”
“You say that like it’s another Tuesday.”
“I say that because it happened years ago and I’ve moved on from it.”
“Clearly,” Jake says sarcastically. “We’re sitting in a bar on a weeknight and you’re rehashing this like it’s just another story.”
“I’m over it, Jake. What’s past is past. I can’t go back and change things for how they are. Besides, I’m really happy now. I don’t have people in my ear telling me who to be or how to dress. I get to make my own path and do what I want with my life instead of following in the footsteps of people who think they know what’s best. Seoul always felt like it was choking the life out of me. I never got to do anything I wanted and had to listen to other people tell me who I was supposed to be and how to act. My family never cared about what I wanted and forced me to do things I wish I could undo. But I can’t change it. I can’t go back in time and tell myself to leave faster. I’ve grown a lot since then and I don’t want to think about the person I was before moving here.”
Jake doesn’t say anything for a little bit. The discomfort settles as he searches for the right thing to say. It’s the first time you’ve opened up to him about your life before Ganghwa. He’s heard bits and pieces, like stories with your brother and favorite childhood memories, but he can’t recall a single time where you’ve ever reminisced over your life if Jungwon wasn’t involved. It makes him wonder what other things you might be bottling up.
He’s halfway finished with his beer. The condensation drips onto his fingers. “I kind of get it. It’s not the same, but that’s what living here feels like. I’ve spent my entire life doing what other people wanted until I decided to stop.”
“It never gets any easier, does it?”
Jake shakes his head. “I’m afraid not. Although, misery loves company so that’s probably why we’re friends.”
“Ever the optimist.”
“One of us has to be.”
“Sunghoon and I were childhood friends first, you know. We met in the second grade when he forgot his lunch, so we shared mine. Our friendship kind of happened. We were really close until high school. Things changed and we drifted apart until we got married.”
“I feel like I’m missing something here.”
With a deep sigh, the acid in your stomach feels like it might as well come up your throat. The chatter in the bar is low and you feel like everybody behind you is listening to every word you say, even though you know that isn’t true. Opening up like this feels as though you’re putting your heart right on the table in front of everyone to see.
Most of all, you’re nervous for Jake’s reaction. He’s been such a pivotal role in your life for a while now and you’ve managed to keep him separate from your life back home. It’s been years since you got caught up in this mess. He’s been here for you through a lot and the person you were before meeting him is drastically different compared to who you are today. Talking about Sunghoon brings up old wounds that make you feel ashamed for loving so deeply. It makes you feel naive for thinking you could have it all.
“I was in love,” you tell him despite the uncomfortable warmth creeping up your neck. “I was really in love with him. We grew up together and I learned so much about him that it felt so natural to me. And it made sense. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. But you never really know a person when they’re hiding things from you. Not really, anyway. I could always sense what Sunghoon was feeling and I knew he was pulling away from me when we got to high school. God, I was so naive and hopeful when I was younger. I thought he’d grow out of the phase of wanting nothing to do with me. But it never did. We got married for optics and then I divorced him because I was fed up.”
“That sounds like a lot. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”
Laughing, you think about how funny it is that the younger version of you would’ve been jumping for joy about Sunghoon coming to visit. Now, it feels like a pain point. “In another life, I guess. I don’t love him anymore. I haven’t seen him or his family in three years and I intend to keep it that way.”
The bartender interrupts your conversation to check in and you buy yourself another rum and coke. Jake pulls out his wallet to pay for you, but you put your card down instead. He doesn’t add anything to the tab because he’s responsible for driving you home, so you close it out and sign the receipt.
As you drink your second cocktail, Jake starts the conversation once you’re both alone. “You were pretty shaken up when we first met. I guess now I know why.”
“Sorry for not saying anything. I was…embarrassed. A lot of shit went down that I’m not proud of.”
“Hey, you don’t need to apologize for everything. We’re friends, right? Friends help each other through good and bad. You don’t need to feel guilty for anything.”
It’s uncomfortable to sit next to him after divulging your past. It doesn’t matter that you’ve known him for a while. It’s still weird. “I don’t want there to be secrets between us. I need some time.”
Jake’s hand feels warm against your back. You bring the glass back up to your lips and finish your cocktail. It’s too warm in this bar and everything feels like it’s closing in around you. You know Jake’s more curious than he comes off but you also know he’s the type of person to let you come to him at your own pace. He’s learned that forcing you to open up will result in you shutting him out.
“I’ll drive you home?” Jake asks tenderly, pulling his hand away from you.
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. I have another early morning.”
“You sure you’ll be okay?”
He’s asking you like there’s an underlying meaning behind his question. You brush it off and stand from the barstool, grabbing the jacket you draped on the counter. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just need to shower and sleep.”
The ride home isn’t a long one. Jake parks in front of your place ten minutes later and looks at you as you close his door behind you. “Get some sleep and don’t stay up too late, okay?”
“You care too much about me.”
“I’d like to think I care enough.”
You laugh at that, bending down to see him smiling at you. “You’re something else, Jake Sim.”
He shrugs nonchalantly. “I know you better than you think. Take it easy tonight and sleep early. I mean it.”
“Goodnight, Jake.”
“Goodnight, Jabba the Hutt.”
Groaning, he watches you roll your eyes and laughs when you do. “You always ruin the moment.”
“I’m a comedian. You needed a laugh so I gave you one.”
“Yeah, yeah.” You wave him off and laugh at the same time. “Get home safe, yeah? Text me when you’re home.”
“You got it, Boss.” Jake’s car disappears from your sight when you walk to your front door. He doesn’t leave until he’s watched you enter your apartment and gives you one last smile when you look back.
Being able to walk around your apartment without bumping into furniture or feeling dizzy catches you off guard. You haven’t eaten since lunch and drank on an empty stomach, and this bar has a reputation for pouring with a heavy hand. When you reach the refrigerator, you opt to grab a few snacks instead of cooking yourself a meal when you become too tired to do anything beyond brushing your teeth and washing your face.
Jake texts you by the time you’re out of the bathroom to let you know he got home okay. He attaches a picture of himself and his dog Layla as if trying to convince you to smile one last time tonight. Jake doesn’t seem to ever think twice about reminding you that there are things and people you still love despite the hardship you’ve endured. He somehow always knows how to lift your spirits and make your problems feel minuscule. He’s considerate like that.
You let him know you’re about to sleep when you’re underneath the covers. When social media barely distracts you from Sunghoon coming to Ganghwa, you set an alarm for the next morning and hope you’ll wake up without a headache.
*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ
The next morning, you find yourself starting your day at a decent time. With a fully sober mind and a chill running through your body because of the autumn air, you reflect on the night before and almost can’t believe Sunghoon’s name shocked you to the point of consuming two drinks. It had been a choice to abstain from alcohol for the time you were in Ganghwa and you told yourself you were too busy to go out drinking. But deep down you know that it takes more than self restraint to avoid slipping back into bad habits. Last night had just been a fluke. Two drinks doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve taken a step back. You’re much stronger than that, right?
You see a few people that are due for minor check ups in the lobby waiting for available doctors and exams rooms. Saying hello distracts you temporarily from these thoughts that don’t seem to leave your mind. It feels nice to be taken seriously as if you're a real, practicing doctor instead of a medical attending in training. You can’t wear the pristine white coat just yet. Not really, anyway. For now, it’s scrubs and a stethoscope around your neck just to make you feel a bit more professional than you actually are.
The people in the facility and those who stop by to check in on you resemble the kind of community you’ve been craving for your entire life. Ganghwa Clinic is everything you could’ve hoped for, and the townsfolk who entrust your ever evolving wisdom make it all worth it. To care for a town that cares for you right back feels like some kind of fair and just reciprocity system. There’s no competing and nothing obstructing you from truly helping those who need it. There’s just a pure, uninterrupted community that can lean on each other in times of need.
Memories of Sunghoon came flooding back to you in that bar with Jake. Being alone in your apartment didn’t fare any better. Images of the two of you flashed across your closed eyelids when you tried to fall asleep and it seems the last time you saw him wasn’t too long ago. Sunghoon might as well be a figment of your imagination or somebody you met in your past life, not your ex-husband and a person you were once deeply and madly in love with. You already left him behind. Why is he coming to Ganghwa and attending to business here? What does he have to gain from it? Why does the world seem to want you to suffer and rehash all of the pain and trauma you’ve successfully escaped? Living on your own and navigating life without constant expectation on both of your shoulders was something freeing and liberating, and it feels like life wants to put you back where you were all those years ago.
It’s easy to conflate love with escapism. Sunghoon acted as a distraction from your parents and future, but he was also somebody who you trusted. He’d never given you a reason to doubt him up until high school. He’d been your best friend and your everything through thick and thin, and you were always there for him when he needed you the most, too. You’d trade secrets and share everything behind your parents’ backs. It was easy to be his friend and even easier to fall in love with him. Sunghoon’s awkward and timid nature dissipated when he was with you. But it felt like a switch had flipped when high school came around, and the Sunghoon you knew was no longer. Even then, loving him wasn’t a choice. It took a great deal of heartbreak and reality to pull you out of your daydreams. In a way, the current version of you wonders if you’d been living in your head up until you had to leave your hometown. Everything left behind is a product of expectation. Everything you’ve built now is because you worked hard for it.
Love is a flawed construct. It’s built on societal assumption. You’ve been conditioned to view romance as simple as dating and marriage. Everything in between should be easy and simple, but it's not. The hard work to keep a peaceful marriage and control one’s feelings extends far beyond love. Love is cliché and nonexistent; it’s a cover for underlying hatred and it allows people closest to you to lie and get away with it. It harbors deep resentment for the unfixable and blinds people to the point of no return. Love is much more than marriage and schoolgirl feelings. Love means breaking your heart over and over again until there’s nothing left for others to take. And, apparently, it’s all you can think about since waking up.
Hayoon greets you at the front door. “Good morning! How’d you sleep?”
Wary, you glance at her. Hayoon is the type of woman who starts her day as soon as she wakes up and expects everybody to be the same. Small talk isn’t her forte, nor is it yours, so her mundane question surprises you. But she looks delighted nonetheless and you play along. “Just fine. Why do you ask?”
She smiles like she knows something you don’t. “How are your studies?”
You cock your head to the side. “Difficult, but what else should I expect from medical school?”
“Yes, I suppose that’s true." Hayoon laughs and guides you towards the back room and into the lounge. “Well, I guess there’s no use beating around the bush. I actually wanted to talk to you about something important.”
“Like what?”
“Why don’t you clock in first. I’ll approve the extra time on your next paycheck.” When you put your bag away in a secure cupboard and start your time clock, you look behind you to see Hayoon learning on the table. She pats the spot next to her. “I think the work we do is really important and I know you do too. One of the reasons why I hired you and wanted to train you was because of your passion and determination to do good by society.”
“Thanks? I’m a little nervous. You’re not usually so…comforting.”
“I give you tough love and that’s what you need to hear, huh?” Hayoon laughs and bumps her shoulder with yours. “I might be straightforward, but I care about you and your career. That’s why I wanted to talk to you, actually. As we’ve talked about before, if your goal is to take over the clinic by the time you’ve got some real experience in a hospital after you graduate, I want you to run this clinic and come back to Ganghwa.”
“Yes,” you say immediately. “That’s still my dream.”
“I thought you’d say that. This clinic is built on investing funds to keep us up and running. We do business with people who care about us and don’t accept any handouts. That’s the level of care I expect from you when you eventually take over. In order for you to understand where I’m coming from, I’d like you to be involved in the initial process.”
Your stomach sinks. Being involved with the “investor” means facing Sunghoon. Hayoon doesn’t know you know this, though. She looks so eager to jumpstart your career. Meanwhile, you don’t know how to feel. “What do you mean?”
“I only do business with people who have the community’s best interest in mind. People can donate money and gloat to publicity, but I want to make sure the people we work with care about humanity. I usually have investors come to the clinic and see what our town is all about before we come to an agreement. I want the investor to shadow you for the morning and for you to show him what Ganghwa has to offer.”
“Who is the investor?”
You know the answer, but you hope Hayoon will tell you somebody with a completely different name is the person she’s been speaking with. Maybe this is one big nightmare and your conversation with Jake never happened. Hayoon’s phone chimes and she pulls it out. Looking at the text message, she grins and steps away from the table, urging you to follow her back towards the front of the clinic. The palms of your hands are sweating and your feet grow heavier with every step you take. Is it normal for your heart to feel like it’s making an indent in your chest? The medical student in you says no, but the irrational part of your brain remembers what it felt like to live day-to-day as the wife to a man who couldn’t truly love you like you wanted.
Your worst nightmare becomes your reality when you see Sunghoon standing beside the double doors. He locks his eyes with you and the feeling of your stomach dropping nearly makes you trip over yourself. It takes a few seconds for you to truly understand what Hayoon is asking of you, and the more Sunghoon looks at you, the more you want to turn around and lock yourself in the staff lounge. The urge to run away from your fears isn’t something you’ve encountered in a long time and it’s as if your efforts to move past your traumas were all for nothing. Seeing him for the first time in three years brings out that immature, juvenile side of you that wants to shut everybody out until it’s safe to emerge back into the world.
It’s unfair how well put together he looks. Sunghoon isn’t wearing his standard three piece suit or office attire like he did when you were married to him. He wears a dark black bomber jacket, a pair of nice slacks, durable sneakers, and a shirt underneath that looks like it came from the dry cleaners. He looks polished even when he isn’t trying to. You’re wearing jeans you haven’t washed in ages and a shirt that’s been worn so many times that the design is starting to fade. You’ve got eyebags and dry skin littering your face and your hair is far too greasy than you’d like it to be. It feel so fucking unfair that the first time you’re seeing Sunghoon after all these years has to be under this particular circumstance. At the very least, you wish you could’ve looked better to show him what he was always missing out on. Now, you feel like a laughing stock.
“Meet Park Sunghoon,” Hayoon says as she brings you out of your own head. “He’s the potential investor.”
The silence that follows is almost deafening. He’s much taller than you remember. Sunghoon looks so different, but somehow he looks exactly the same. He’s still got those moles on his face and it upsets you to think about how you once loved them so much.
“Good morning.” Sunghoon doesn’t break eye contact when he speaks.
Your throat closes up and you have to force yourself to talk. “Hello.”
Hayoon looks between the two of you but doesn’t say anything. Her smile doesn’t falter and you honestly can’t tell if she knows how awkward this is for you. If she notices, she chooses not to address it.
Sunghoon breaks the silence again. “It’s nice to see you.”
You don’t know why you’re inherently caught off guard. That simple statement feels like he’s disregarding the entirety of your friendship and marriage to him, but you quickly reel it back in when you remember the circumstance.
“Sorry to spring this up on you quickly,” Hayoon apologizes to you. “There was a last minute conflict and today was the only day he could come this week. But you should be able to handle overseeing him for the morning, right?”
“Of course. It’s…fine.” It’s not fine.
“Let’s talk more in the lounge. I don’t anticipate that people will be coming so early and the receptionist can page me if we need to attend to someone.”
Wordlessly, you follow Hayoon and turn your heel to avoid looking at Sunghoon. Maybe pretending he isn’t walking behind you will alleviate the anxiety and stress you find yourself under. Instead, Sunghoon’s presence lingers right over you when you both step into the lounge.
“Thanks for coming on such short notice,” Hayoon says to Sunghoon, who bows his head, much to her pleasure. You hold yourself from rolling your eyes. “Make yourself at home for the time you’re here. There are snacks in the fridge and a water fountain around the corner. Feel free to leave your bag and keys in these cupboards.”
You want to say something, but you don’t. Those pantry snacks were collectively purchased by Jake and yourself, and you don’t want Sunghoon’s hands touching them. But this is a business opportunity for Hayoon, so you don’t. You put your indifference aside and try to focus on learning from her instead of causing a scene and costing not only Hayoon an investment, but costing you a potential shot at taking over when she retires.
“I know we spoke over email, but I wanted to say it again so you know what to expect. My girl here is the best doctor-in-training I have ever met,” says Hayoon, who beams at you like a proud mother would for her daughter. “She’s been working with me for almost three years and I think you’ll learn a lot about this clinic and the community around it if you learn from her.”
“She spoke very highly of you.”
Nostalgia and familiar warmth embed in Sunghoon’s deep, honey-like voice. His deep timbre makes you think about your past with him, and it’s as if hearing his voice in person after three years started to undo all of the grieving you’ve accomplished since you left him behind. But when you look at him, that same boy who used to steal your colored pencils in grade school just to get your attention is not the person looking back at you. Hearing him talk doesn’t bring you the comfort it once did and seeing him brings you back to these nostalgic memories that make you sick to your stomach. Sunghoon reminds you just how much you loved and all you have since lost.
“Obviously, Sunghoon isn’t going to participate in our day-to-day functions. But I want him to sit in on consultations and watch you work. You’ll have to ask patients for their permission, of course, but I can’t imagine anyone here would say no. How does that sound?”
“To be clear, are you asking him to follow me around for the morning?”
“Precisely,” she says with a firm nod. “There’s no better way for him to understand what we do here if he doesn’t see it first hand.” Well, this is the last thing you’d rather be doing. You want to keep your head down and work until you clock out. You had hoped today would be smooth sailing, but it seems like there’s no chance of that happening. “It’ll be less busy in the morning before lunch. We’ll reconvene before your break and talk about next steps, okay? For now, get Sunghoon acquainted with proper attire and have him wash up like we usually do.”
Hayoon doesn’t give you another second to think, nor does she give you any time to protest. It’s not like you would anyway, especially when your future might depend on how well you treat Sunghoon for the next few hours. You tune out Hayoon chatting with him about understanding the culture at this clinic and in this town, and focus on grabbing extra scrubs in his size to pretend like you’re busier than you actually are. She leaves a few minutes later and the tension in the back lounge grows tenfold.
“You look good.”
You barely manage to look at Sunghoon. Instead, you thrust the scrubs in his hands and back away like you’ve been burned. “Put those on and change your pants. There’s a bathroom across the hall. Leave your shirt underneath. Cover your shoes with the shoe covers by the door. Let me know if you have any questions.”
“It’s good to see you.”
“Rotations start in ten minutes. Hurry and don’t be late.” Sunghoon calls out your name when you look away from him.
Sparing a glance at him makes you feel like bile is piling up against your throat. Everything feels too loud in this quiet room and the blood rushes against your ears because of the deafening silence. Sunghoon just looks at you like he’s expecting you to say something.
“Why are you here?”
“I’m here to shadow you for today.”
“No. Why are you here? In Ganghwa? Why are you in my home?”
He doesn’t look away but you think you see his shoulder drop. You haven’t been the center of his attention in nearly a decade and being in his direct line of sight makes your knees feel brittle and unstable. You’ve nearly forgotten what it’s like to look into his dark, warm eyes that were typically accompanied with a smile. That same look has since long been gone for as long as you remember and these nostalgic feelings make you feel sick.
“I’m here on behalf of my company. I’d like to invest in this clinic and help you keep it afloat.” You scoff. Sunghoon seems to be taken aback by your coldness, just barely flinching when you look at him with disgust.
“Your company?”
A beat of silence passes. “I’m the interim president until my father steps down in the new year.”
The pace at which you tilt your head nearly makes your neck snap. You can barely manage a scoff. “You got what you wanted. I don’t know why you need to involve us. Leave this clinic alone. Leave me alone.” He swallows thickly. You don’t give him enough time to formulate a response because you’re already out the door, leaving him alone to change into more appropriate work attire.
Being in that room with him was more than overwhelming. It was an attack on every sense you possess and nothing could’ve ever prepared you for coming face-to-face with somebody you’ve tried so hard to get over. It’s comical that you finally arrived at a place where Sunghoon was the last person on your mind only to be put in a situation where he’s the person you have to care for. Again.
“This is bullshit,” you whisper to yourself underneath your breath. You wait by the door and hear Sunghoon shuffling from the other side. You close your eyes and let the back of your head hit the wall and squeeze them while they’re shut as if to wake yourself from a bad dream.
You don’t wake up., Sunghoon opens the door and walks out, effectively bringing you back to reality. He has that look you know better than anyone else because you’d conditioned yourself to look out for the shy boy you knew in grade school; Sunghoon forces his introversion down and walks with his shoulders pushed back and his chin parallel to the ground like he knows what he’s doing. He walks with an air of confidence that always made you believe he held command and the attention of any room he walked into.
But now? He looks out of place. Sunghoon is far too polished to be in a town like this and it reminds you of how you were when you first moved to Ganghwa. He looks like he doesn’t know a single thing about the town or the community, and his introversion makes him look like he’s here on business because he has to be, not because he wants to be. The rational part of you knows it’s always awkward seeing old faces, but the part of you that holds resentment for Sunghoon wants to take your anger out on him for having the audacity to not only step foot in your new home, but stake some ownership in the clinic you’ve worked so hard for.
There’s persistent tension in this damn building. There’s an issue that needs to be addressed but you neither have the time nor patience to deal with it. You’re sitting in devastation and torment, asking yourself what kind of audacity Sunghoon possesses to walk into your place of work like he’d do everyone a favor by signing a check. To influential people like him, it’s just another tax write off and an excuse to make himself feel like a good person by doing the bare minimum.
You hate how nonchalant he can be. You hate that it’s hard to read him now that you’ve spent three years apart. There used to be a time when you could take his emotional temperature solely by looking at him. Now you might as well be looking at a stone wall. And you’re hating yourself for thinking back to the past.
“Ready,” Sunghoon says with a single nod. He keeps his hands to himself and looks at you expectantly. It takes a great deal to push yourself from the wall and start your day.
“You could’ve warned me that you were coming,” you tell him. Sunghoon trails behind you and keeps a respectable distance.
“I didn’t know you worked here.” Your eyes roll towards the back of your head but keep looking forward.
“You’re Park Sunghoon. Type A and as diligent as fucking ever. Don’t feed me that bullshit.” Sunghoon doesn’t say anything right away. Can he tell you aren’t the docile, naive girl he used to know? The version of you who was in love with him wouldn’t have dared to speak with such venom.
Instead, he speaks quietly. “I just want to help.”
“My ass,” you mutter under your breath, not caring if he hears or not. If he does, he doesn’t say anything.
It’s bright and early, and the sun shines through the big, glass windows along the front end of the clinic. It’s ironic how beautiful it is because you feel like the human embodiment of a silent storm encapsulated by rain and thunder. You wish it would start raining and snowing at the same time. Sunghoon hated it when it snowed.
You take a deep breath and stop walking before abruptly turning around. Sunghoon nearly stumbles on his shoe laces because he’s caught off guard and stops himself from toppling over you. “You’re my assistant for today, so you’ll do what I tell you or else I’ll send you back to Hayoon. The patients you’ll meet today are real, hard-working people who get by through honest work and labor. These aren’t rich people who can afford top medicine like the people you associate yourself with. Do not treat yourself like you’re hot shit because nobody here will care about how much money you have in your bank account. Do I make myself clear?”
“Crystal.”
“Do not question me and my choices. Do not touch anything. Do not argue with me when I tell you to do something. You are not allowed to leave my side unless I specifically give you permission. You will be sensitive and understanding towards the people you meet today.”
“Of course.”
“And do not, under any circumstance, tell anybody that we are divorced.”
Sunghoon’s lips open slightly ajar as if he’s about to speak, but he just stares at you. He’s never looked at you with such perplexity before he visibly gulps. It makes your stomach turn for all the wrong reasons when you maintain eye contact to tell him you mean serious business. To his credit, Sunghoon looks genuinely afraid of what the consequences are if he were to break one of your rules, and that almost makes you smile. You turn on your heel and head out to start your work.
He trails behind you like a lost puppy. You hate feeling his presence behind you. In your worst scenario, you always imagined Sunghoon rejecting your love confession and choosing to never see you again by his own will. You’d argue that having him in proximity after you’ve moved on is much, much worse.
“Good morning, Riki.” The tall blonde looks up from where he sits by the wall, patiently waiting to be examined. He looks at you and offers a smile before looking next to you to see Sunghoon, who looks much like a fish out of water and unsure of if he should say something or keep quiet. He chooses the latter.
“Morning, Doc,” Riki says as he stands up.
“Not a doctor.”
“Yet.”
You both laugh. “Sunoo isn’t working today, if that’s why you’re here.”
“Pfft, what?” Riki says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not here for him.”
“Then why are you here?”
He holds his arm up, showing his wrist that has been wrapped with gauze. “Sunoo wrapped me up yesterday. Though I’d show him how it’s almost healed.” You laugh because this is way too cute.
“Go to Exam Room 3 and take a seat for me.” Riki walks towards the open and empty room and sits on the protective paper covering the seat. He looks like a walking giant compared to before his ridiculous growth spurt.
“Who’s that?” Riki asks when you step in the room after him.
“This is Sunghoon,” you introduce, stepping aside and allowing Sunghoon to come into the room too. “He’s a potential investor for the clinic and he’ll be shadowing me this morning. Would you mind if he stayed during your exam?”
Riki shakes his head. “Nah, it’s cool.”
“Nice to meet you,” says Sunghoon, who bows his head awkwardly and steps closer to the two of you when you start to unravel the gauze around Riki’s wrist.
“Are you from Seoul?” Riki asks. “I think I’ve seen you somewhere.”
“I work with Park Financial Group, actually. Interim president.” The younger boy nods like he’s impressed.
“Shit, the’s cool as fuck.” You quickly rip the protective aid last minute, which causes Riki to hiss and put his attention on his arm. “Ouch.”
“Did you dye your hair?” you ask him with a saccharine sweet smile, ignoring the way he’s rubbing around his minor wound. You push your head a little closer to see his blonde hair just a bit lighter than it was the last time you saw him.”
“Yup. Got it dyed yesterday. Why, you like it?”
“It looks so bleached.”
“It’s hair dye, Doc. My hair’s jet black, so of course it’s gonna look a little bleached."
“You should dye your hair dark brown next. Give yourself a break from the bright colors or else all your hair’s gonna fall out.”
Riki whines. “Aren’t you supposed to be my doctor and all sympathetic, and shit? Here I am, visiting this precious clinic again, and I’m being bullied by a healthcare professional who’s supposed to make me feel better.”
“You wouldn’t be coming here so often if you stopped getting yourself hurt.”
“It’s not on purpose.”
“You wouldn’t be coming so often if Sunoo wasn’t working here.”
Riki shuts his mouth at that. It makes you laugh, the kind of laughter reserved for only the most ridiculous of conversations, and you temporarily forget that Sunghoon is in the room. You probably should’ve acted differently and stopped yourself from pulling the gauze from Riki’s wrist so hastily, but you couldn’t stand listening to him praise Sunghoon. You don’t glance at him. For how much you despise being around him, your performance is for Hayoon, and the money she could get from Sunghoon’s company could be life changing in the long run.
“...Is Sunoo working today?”
“You missed him by a day,” you tell him. Riki sulks and you watch the way his shoulders visibly drop. Sunghoon looks and you can tell he’s got a few questions circling in his mind. “I think it’s cute that you like him so much, but you don’t need to hurt yourself to make up an excuse to see him.”
He stutters while he denies what you say. “You’re crazy, Doc. I’m prone to accidents and I’m super clumsy.” Riki looks at Sunghoon helplessly. “Wouldn’t you do crazy things for people you love?”
“You love this Sunoo guy, huh?”
“L-Love?! Aish. I guess I like Sunoo. He’s quirky. Kind of annoying, too.”
You pat the cut with some cleaner. “I’ll tell him you said that.”
“Not annoying, annoying. He’s just…hard to get. He keeps me on my toes. I like that about him.”
Sunghoon uncrosses his arm and leans on the desk behind him. “How’d you meet this Sunoo guy anyway?”
A barely detectable smile appears on Riki’s face. “My brother, Heeseung, works at the game store a block away during the summer when he’s home from college. I visit him and keep him company when business is slow or whenever I’m not working. Sunoo used to come in a couple of times a week because the store sold manga and magazines, too. We started making small talk when we’d see each other and I found out that he works at the clinic.”
“So you purposely injure yourself as an excuse to visit Sunoo at work?”
“No,” Riki says, even though the three of you know he’s clearly lying. “I’m accident prone.”
“Sure, whatever you say,” Sunghoon responds with a knowing smile of his own. You wish you could knock it off of him.
“Does everyone believe this? What about Jake?” Riki asks.
You laugh and put a band aid over the wound. “Oh yeah. Jake knows and he thinks it’s hilarious. Sunoo does too and he won’t admit that he thinks you’re cute, but he definitely does.”
Riki whines and pushes his face into your arm. “Don’t get my hopes up. I’m fragile, Doc. Handle with care, or however the saying goes.”
“Why don’t you leave the medical talk to me, hm? Your wound is fine. Replace the bandage throughout the day if you plan on being out in the sun for a long period of time and disinfect it before you do. You should be fine by tomorrow morning. Don’t injure yourself anymore, okay? Just ask Sunoo out.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“I work with him three days a week, Riki. I think I know how he feels just a little better than you do.” Riki rolls his eyes as he dives in for a hug, circling his arms around your waist.
“I hate when you’re right,” he mutters against your side. “You remind me too much of Heeseung.”
“Well, someone has to pick up his slack. You’re a wild child when he goes back to Seoul.”
Riki speaks with no real bite in his words. “I always wanted a sister, but now I’m starting to rethink that.” He stands from the medical table and opts to bow to you and Sunghoon, no doubt trying to make a good impression to the clinic’s potential investor. It’s a bit awkward, as you’ve told Riki to skip formalities with you, but you appreciate the gesture nonetheless.
“Keep it simple and don’t overthink it,” you advise Riki as you walk him back towards the front of the building. “Sunoo cares about you more than you think. Take him out for a picnic and watch the ducks at the pond near the draw bridge. He’d love that.”
“And you’re sure?”
“I’m never wrong, aren’t I?”
Riki laughs. “No, you really aren’t. Thanks for the advice and for patching me up.” He looks at Sunghoon and bows his head again before heading out. “It was nice meeting you. This clinic’s really something, you know. I hope you’re able to help them out.”
You and Sunghoon watch him disappear from the parking lot when he speaks for the first time since leaving the exam room. “Riki seems to trust you a lot.”
“He’s like a brother to me. He always gets into stupid accidents, but he’s a good kid.”
“He reminds me of Jungwon.” Your head snaps to Sunghoon.
“Don’t say his name.”
“I’m sorry.” To his credit, Sunghoon looks apologetic.
You realize there’s no point in pretending like the two of you are strangers when all he does is remind you of the past. There’s no use bringing personal feelings into work today because you’re going to be stuck with him for a few more hours. After all, you’re the one who’s making a first impression on him. You represent the clinic and all of its glory. Even though you’d rather be anywhere but next to Sunghoon, you don’t want to jeopardize a business opportunity for Hayoon. She means so much to you and you couldn’t live with yourself if you screwed things up for her.
You pull him by the wrist into an empty exam room without a word. “Look, I’m sorry for snapping at you.” Sunghoon seems surprised by your sudden apology. “I don’t know why you’re here or why I’m being assigned to show you around, so let’s start over and make peace for the morning, okay? We don’t need to make small talk about the past. Let’s focus on our work since that’s what you’re here for.”
“I really do want to help this clinic out,” he says. “I wanted to write a check but Hayoon was the one who insisted I experience it for myself. I swear I didn’t ask Hayoon to assign you to work with me.”
Quite frankly, you have too many questions you’d like to ask, but none of them seem like they’d be worth your time. “It’s fine. Let’s keep our heads down and work together. I love this clinic more than anything in the world and I don’t want you to think otherwise because of our history.”
Sunghoon shakes his head. “I would never. Please believe me. I’m trying to initiate a new sector to my company and help communities around us as a way to give back. That’s why I’m here today.” You don’t know if you believe him, but anybody could’ve given up the second a potential client refused a check right off the bat. Sunghoon seems truthful enough. Even if he’s not, you don’t have the time to think about it.
Jake arrives at ten o’clock to cover a partial shift for somebody who called out sick but you don’t notice him like you usually would because you’re too busy trying to ignore Sunghoon. It’s hard to push down your feelings when they’ve resurfaced. It irritates you to see people fawning over Sunghoon like he’s some sort of deity, but you bite your tongue to avoid changing his mind about helping out the clinic. His charisma puts you right back to where you were three years ago and you start to ask yourself what you ever saw in him. Sunghoon’s charm and perfect smile make you want to rip your hair out. They don’t make you want to act like a school girl anymore.
“Good morning!” Jake shouts to you when he’s finished assessing a patient. “Hayoon called me last minute. I’ll be here until closing.” He sees Sunghoon standing next to you and the twinge in his eye makes you think she hadn’t told him he’d be coming in today. He reluctantly bows. “I’m Jake.”
“Sunghoon.” He reciprocates Jake’s bow, unaware that the latter knows about your marriage to him and how it ended. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Jake glances at you as you offer up an explanation. “He’s shadowing me this morning on Hayoon’s orders. He’ll be here until my lunch break.”
“Welcome to Ganghwa,” Jake says with a tight smile. Sunghoon beams at him and doesn’t catch the slight disdain on his face. Nowadays, he has a much better poker face than you.
“Thank you, Jake. I haven’t spent much time here, but your town is very beautiful. I’m looking forward to getting acquainted with Ganghwa as I spend more time here.” Sunghoon’s rehearsed speech nearly makes you gag.
The rest of the morning runs without a hitch. Sunghoon, true to his word, refrains from bringing up any mention of your past. You’re grateful that he keeps your life under wraps. Some of the townspeople likely know who you are and who your parents are, even though most choose to avoid tabloids and gossip blogs, but they’ve never brought it up so you don’t feel the need to either. And you hate that you feel grateful towards Sunghoon. It makes you feel indebted, and you don’t like owing people things, least of all your ex-husband.
Hayoon comes back when it’s time to see Sunghoon off. It’s all a blur. She and Sunghoon talk in the back room while you’re finishing your rounds before you’re due for a lunch break. You move on autopilot, plastering a smile on your face and updating patient charts to fill the time and avoid running into Sunghoon on his way out. You aren’t so lucky, as Hayoon and Sunghoon walk towards you as she accompanies him to the exit.
“Thank you again for visiting. Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?”
“I’ve got a couple of things I’ve been told to check out while I’m in Ganghwa.”
“It’s best to see where your money’s going before you give it all away, eh?” Hayoon asks rhetorically in the same way she’d talk to you when you’re too hot headed. “Feel free to come back to the clinic. And do spend more time in this gorgeous town.” She points to you. “Maybe she can show you around.”
Sunghoon just smiles at her. “I’ll be sure to stick around.” He looks at you one more time and leaves soon after.
“How was it?” Hayoon asks when Sunghoon is out of earshot. “He didn’t get in the way, did he?”
“No,” you answer truthfully, even though it pains you to admit it. “Sunghoon was fine and polite. I’m pretty sure our patients were very charmed by him.”
“With a face like that, who wouldn’t be.”
“I’ll be taking my lunch now, if that’s okay.”
“Sure thing, honey. Let’s talk about this in depth tomorrow. I’ve got a speaking opportunity at Seoul General in a few hours that I need to prepare for.”
“Break a leg.”
“Well, let’s not hope for that.”
You laugh. “It’s a saying. It means ‘good luck.’”
“Ah,” Hayoon says thoughtfully. “In that case, I will break my leg.” You think she’s about to leave, but she turns around at the last minute and gives you a look that you can’t quite decipher. “Things might be difficult now, but you’re a tough kid. I’m proud of the work you do and I’m looking forward to handing my keys to you.”
“Now you’re just kissing my ass.”
She laughs. “That too. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow. But I want you to show Sunghoon around Ganghwa. Wine and dine him. Part of this business is, well, business. Unfortunately, running this clinic doesn’t always look like taking care of patients. It’s meetings, meetings, and more meetings.”
You agree reluctantly. “It’s all for the best.” She nods.
“That’s right. I know this place is your dream and I’m trying to build you up for success. I won’t tell you how to run the clinic when it’s time, but I’m still here to teach you a thing or two.”
Hayoon says goodbye to you and the rest of the staff before she leaves. You tell the doctor in charge that you’ll be away for an hour before clocking out and relaxing on the bean bag chair in the corner of the back room. Jake walks in a few minutes later when he’s sent on his first break and you brace yourself for impact.
“That was Sunghoon.” You hum and nod. “As in, your ex-husband, Sunghoon.”
“I’m aware.”
Jake puts his hand on his hips. “I never thought I’d come close enough to punch his stupidly perfect face. You think I could take him in a fight and win?”
“Not a chance,” you say absentmindedly, pulling out a few grapes from your bag. “Have you seen his biceps? He’d crush you. I like you too much to see you hurt.”
“I’m strong. I go to the gym four days a week. Don’t underestimate me.” He curls his arm to show off biceps covered by his scrubs. It pulls a laugh out of you and Jake smiles triumphantly. “How long is he gonna stay here anyway? Is he coming back to the clinic?”
“Why? Eager to start a fist fight in the parking lot?”
“You say the word and I’ll fight him.”
“Don’t risk your career for me, Sim.” You roll your eyes and Jake brings a chair next to your bean bag. “To answer your question, I don’t know. Hayoon wants me to show him around. She says it takes more than being good at medicine to run a business like this. There’s politics involved and I get the feeling she wants me to butter him up.”
“That makes no sense, though. Sunghoon already wants to write her a check.”
“I guess she figures he could be a test run for me to see what it’ll be like when I’m the one running the clinic. I don’t really know. I haven’t had the chance to properly talk to Hayoon yet, but you know how she is. She’s scatter-brained and all over the place, but everything always works out in the end.”
“She reminds me of my mom,” Jake says with a fond smile. “I’ve learned to do as they say and question everything later. They’re always two steps ahead of everybody else, even if it doesn’t seem like it at first. Hayoon’s pretty unconventional like that, but I trust her. I wouldn’t be working here if I didn’t.”
“I like that she gives us experience while we’re studying. Some of my classmates don’t know half the shit I’ve learned on the job.”
He agrees. “Yeah. I can’t complain too much, even when your jerk of an ex-husband looks at me like we could be friends. No way in hell.”
You pat him on the arm. “I appreciate your loyalty, Sim.”
“I know where my loyalties lie and I’m only playing nice just because he could give us life-changing money.”
“Hey, I’m not complaining. I’m trying to do the same thing, but it’s so hard when he’s breathing down my neck.”
Jake looks at you sympathetically. “I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. How was your morning before I came?”
“Awful.” You put your head in your knees and Jake’s palm comes to rub your back gently. His warmth provides a bit of comfort and you feel yourself start to relax. “I didn’t even know Sunghoon was coming today. Hayoon sprung this on me when I got here and I’ve been trying not to have a panic attack for the last four hours. He reminds me of everything I’ve run from.”
“It’s hard to outrun the past.”
“Fucking tell me about it. He waltzes in here like he’s some hotshot who has a lot of money to throw around. He charms our patients, people I see and treat on the daily, and acts like they’re people he cares about. Sunghoon doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some ulterior motive.
“I just…I can’t go back to the person I was before we met, Jake. I was sad and depressed. I woke up every morning wanting to die because everybody expected me to support him without a second thought. My life revolved around him and I was supposed to be an obedient wife, but I fucked it all up and moved here to get away from all of that. Everyone gives a shit when it’s too late. I’m happy in Ganghwa and I don’t want my life to change. I’m scared that Sunghoon coming back to my life will put me back in that awful mental state.”
Jake looks at you sympathetically. “You know, back when we first met, I always thought you were hiding more than what you were telling me. I never wanted to force you to talk about yourself since we didn’t know each other very well. You told me some things about running away from the past and made it seem like people were out to get you. I understand it now and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t do anything back then.”
You pull your head from your knees. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.” Jake offers a warm smile.
“I know. But Sunghoon probably won’t apologize for what he did to you, so I hope you can accept mine.”
“Ugh. You’re a great friend and I’m not good at feelings.”
Jake laughs. “I know. You’re very cute when you’re trying to show gratitude.” This makes you frown, but he continues to smile. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through. But take it one day at a time, yeah? You know I’ll always be there for you and I know you care about me too. I don’t want to see my best friend upset by herself.”
“Are you ready to see me on your doorstep at two in the morning?”
He rolls his eyes. “You act like you’ve never done that before.”
“Okay, fair. But I like to ask for consent so I can use my words against you.”
“There’s my girl.” Jake pats your back once more. “I need to go back to work. I’ll see you out there.”
Nightfall comes quickly. You push Sunghoon to the back of your mind to the best of your ability and the rest of your shift goes by without any hiccup. You’re mentally planning out the rest of your week between classes and work when you see Jake resting against the threshold of the door frame so that he can drive you home since it’s already dark outside. Jake doesn’t say anything when you finally sling your bag over your shoulder and walk out with him. He walks beside you like he always does and the both of you say goodbye to the attending resident before heading out to the parking lot. Your body feels like it’s supporting the weight of the world, but you know that thinking over the events of today will have to wait until after you study when you get home. Today’s the only day out of the week you worked a full shift, and because you spent yesterday at a bar with Jake instead of studying, today’s workload will be a heavy one.
The last person you want to see before you leave is Sunghoon.
“What are you doing here?”
Sunghoon leans on his sleek black Supra, the same one he drove when you were married to him. He uncrosses his arms when he sees you and Jake approach him, not knowing that Jake’s car is parked just a little further down the lot. You watch him step away from his car and take a step towards you and feel yourself pull yourself back until Jake’s chest is right behind you.
“I want to talk to you–”
“Why?” Sunghoon flinches when he hears our clipped tone. “Why do you want to talk to me?”
“I want to apologize–”
“For what?” You feel your face starting to heat up. You take a step with each word spoken and tighten your grip around your shoulder bag, “For showing up here unannounced? For having the audacity to act like you know me when you don’t? Is that why you’re sorry?” He says your name but it falls on deaf ears. “Don’t say my fucking name.”
“I want to apologize for everything,” Sunghoon says like a kicked puppy with its tail tucked between its legs.
“You have some nerve to come here and act like I won’t throw your bullshit back in your face. You’re not sorry. You just hate that I don’t give a shit about you anymore.”
“That’s not true. Please, if you just–”
“You’re asking more of me?”
Sunghoon hears the venom in your voice and stops walking towards you, especially when he sees Jake grab your arm to pull you closer towards him. Sunghoon merely stands there looking somewhere in between defeated and determined, and you aren’t sure what he’s going to do next. All you know is that you’re angry beyond compare and there’s nothing you want to do more than to rip out Sunghoon’s tongue and feed it back to him.
“No, I could never ask more of you.”
“Fuck off, Sunghoon. Out of all places, why’d you choose the one place that belongs to me?” He stops himself from calling your name and looks at the ground before looking back up at you.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t do shit now, does it? You waited three years to come find me when I’ve finally moved on, and for what? So you can feel like a good person? To get rid of whatever guilt you’re feeling? Are you saying ‘sorry’ so you can feel better about yourself?”
“No, I–”
“I devoted myself to you. I worshipped the ground you walked on and you threw me away like I was nothing.” Your body shakes. Jake feels your tremors when you walk up to Sunghoon until you’re mere inches away from him. You’re loud and out of breath. The pent up frustration and sadness come bursting out all at once. All of your hurt and the memories of your past play through your mind simultaneously like a sick and twisted film reel that reminds you of all the times Sunghoon made you feel worthless. It’s enough to make you scream at the top of your lungs and he stares at you with regret and longing that you no longer care for.
“Fuck you and fuck Chloe. Fuck your company. Fuck your family. You never gave two shits about whether I lived or died because you knew I’d be there for you even when you didn’t deserve me. You never showed up for me when it mattered the most. You just cared about getting your dick wet and making sure everybody thought you were the perfect husband when you weren’t. I might as well have married a fucking statue. I don’t owe you shit and I will never forgive you for what you put me through.”
“Please,” Sunghoon croaks with tears welling in his eyes. “Please believe me.”
“I hate you.”
The gentle breeze does nothing to cool you down. Jake gently tugs you away from Sunghoon, who can’t seem to take his eyes off of you. Knowing he’s looking at you makes your skin burn and bile feels like it’s climbing up your throat. Anxiety pounds away at your chest like a repetitive drum beat that refuses to stop and the world around you is too loud for you to think straight. Relying on Jake has become second nature and the familiar feeling of his hands guiding you away from danger puts you right back to where you were when you left Sunghoon behind.
“Let’s go home,” Jake murmurs from behind you. You don’t spare Sunghoon a glance and get into Jake’s passenger seat.
He lets you cry on the way home.
*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ
FEBRUARY 2019
“Happy birthday, Yang Jangwon!”
The banquet hall is much too formal for your younger brother's liking, but he knows there’s nothing that can be done when his mother is set on accomplishing something. Elaborate celebrations are her way of indirectly showcasing her wealth disguised as love for her children to her peers. She masquerades as a loving, doting mother who acts because she loves you deeply, but you and Jungwon both know she does it to boast about her opulence. Whether other people within her social group see this or not is practically unknown to the both of you. They’re just like her, too, always bragging about fiscal success or culture gossip before it hits the main headlines. Most women in this small society pretend to be friendly when in actuality, they’re all birds of prey waiting to unleash their sharp talons on the next person to slip up.
The crowd cheers by clapping and tapping their utensils against champagne flutes when he finishes his speech. He smiles and maintains a perfect composure as he takes a single sip, hoisting the glass in the air and bowing before he walks off the makeshift stage. Judging by the look on his face, he’d much rather be drinking soju and cold, shitty beer with people he actually likes instead of playing the role of a perfect son for people he doesn’t care about. Your mother has a knack for keeping up appearances and she wholly disapproves of his friendship with “lesser-known status individuals” he met during his time in university. Jungwon prefers them over the peers he only sees during the holidays and other important events because they too are following in the footsteps of their overcompensating, snobby parents. Because the two of you always had this in common, it’s become the reason why the both of you get along so well.
“I could’ve been doing a keg stand by now,” Jungwon laments as he walks to the table you’re learning against. He drinks the rest of the champagne in one gulp.
“You’ll be doing that next week when our parents are in France.”
Jungwon smiles and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m a college student. I deserve to have a normal life too, you know? Mom makes it so hard for me to be happy when she throws these things.”
“Tell me about it,” you reply with an exasperated sigh like you’ve just recalled what your own birthday felt like the year before. “I don’t think a single person in here really cares about celebrating your birthday.”
Jungwon swats your shoulder and feigns a broken heart. “Ouch. And here I thought you were the only person who’d support me. My dear, loving, older sister, who vowed to love and cherish me until the very end.”
“I never said I’d do any of that, dimwit. And who are you calling old?!”
Your younger brother laughs and gives you a hug. “I’m really happy that you’re here. I remember when we were small enough to fit underneath the tables and stuff our faces with hors d'oeuvres. The parties always seemed to go by so far.”
“Me too, Wonnie.” You let your head rest against his shoulder. He’s so tall now, unlike the young boy who used to climb into your bed when a loud thunderbolt races through the sky. Now, Jungwon can rest his head on top of yours with ease. You realize how much time has passed and how much things have changed. “I don’t think anybody in this room even knew today was your birthday. Everyone’s just a kiss ass.”
“I can’t look these people in the eye without wanting to gag. Everyone is probably drunk off of their asses anyway. I wish I could do the same.”
“Mom and dad are always the first to leave whenever they host. Maybe the open bar will supply you with two shots at a time.”
Jungwon groans when he imagines all the free alcohol. “Please. I’ll need to be drunk as fuck to talk to these people without laughing in their faces. Where’s Sunghoon, by the way? And don’t tell me he’s with her.”
Where your husband might be is unbeknownst to you. Jungwon’s birthday and this party has been on his personal and work calendars since your mother told you about it ahead of time. The two of you have discussed arriving together to avoid having people asking questions, but Sunghoon never came home after he said he’d been out searching for a last minute present since he had forgotten to procure one ahead of time. After waiting for thirty minutes and being met with his voicemail along with your unanswered texts, your driver picked you up without your husband in sight.
Back when Sunghoon had first asked you to marry him, the shimmering hope that you’d always held in the back of your mind made his words and intentions flow in one ear and out the other. Sunghoon was always truthful from the start and never once made you believe that this transaction was anything but a marriage for show. Somehow, your mind thought about the possibility of convincing Sunghoon he was right to ask you if you worked hard enough to be a perfect wife for him. Surely your best friend would wake up and realize the woman he’d been dreaming of was already standing next to him.
You’d been fooling yourself by believing life could go back to normal after minimal contact. Your university years were nearly behind you when Sunghoon came back into your life and brought you into his fold like it was nothing. The version of you from the last two years believes you were an easy choice because the two of you were familiar and would eventually grow into your marriage vows. You’d stuck by him through thick and thin throughout the entirety of your friendship. It felt like a no-brainer to help Sunghoon when he asked. That’s what friends are for, right?
Except, Sunghoon lived up to his word. You knew this relationship was purely to save face for his parents and to fulfill their requirement of having a family before they’d consider training him to take over his father’s role as president of the company. Even if the result wasn’t what you’d hoped for, there was a part of you who believed that close proximity and spending time with one another would restore the friendship you had with him all those years ago.
Instead, your marriage to him was nonexistent beyond the scope of the press. You two were more like roommates who operated on different schedules rather than a unit who worked together to keep the house afloat. He’d made it clear that this was just for formality’s sake and to avoid people wondering why neither of you lived together. Sunghoon made a point to off-handedly tell you that this marriage was for show and that you could see other people if you really wanted to as long as nobody found out. His insinuation chipped away at your heart and you’d swore you’d be devoted to Sunghoon until the very end, even if he made it clear that didn’t ask you to marry him out of love. The idea of Sunghoon finding somebody else when he’s married to you hadn’t crossed your mind because you never would have thought to look at anyone else but him.
Chloe Jung is somebody the two of you have known from childhood. She’s known Sunghoon longer than you’ve known him, as her parents have been friends since their university days. She’d split her time between Korea and America for a few months out of the year because of her parents’ work and travel schedules until eventually moving to America permanently when she was in high school. While you wouldn’t classify the two of you as friends, you’d argue that you two were friendly enough to hold a conversation if Sunghoon wasn’t there, but neither of you would reach out to the other if he wasn’t involved. She didn’t talk much to either of you when she moved and the only time the two of you would see glimpses of her life was through social media.
As far as you knew, Chloe was still in America and living there permanently, but you found out that wasn’t the truth when you walked into your shared home to see his face between her legs in the guest bedroom. You don’t think either of them knew you’d stopped by the house. Your exit was swift and prompt, and you had shoved your tears down and promised yourself to wait until you were home and in your corner of the house to cry. He wasn’t cheating, not technically as the marriage agreement clearly stated that this was for legal and optics only, and yet the pain that tore your chest apart felt like it was never ending. So when Jungwon asks you where your husband is, your best assumption is with Chloe.
“I have no idea,” you tell Jungwon truthfully. Your eyes feel sunken in and you’d shed a few tears if you weren’t in public, do you drop your shoulders and give him a shrug as if to act nonchalant.
“Mind if I interrupt?”
Park Jongseong, one of Jungwon’s friends, makes the two of you turn around at the sound of his voice. Your younger brother is beyond pleased to see him and skips the formal handshake for a familiar hug, to which he reciprocates.
“Jay! I’m so glad you could make it. Sorry for inviting you at the last minute. I didn’t know you were back in Korea until your dad mentioned something to my mom the other week.”
“It’s not a problem at all. I transferred to the Seoul office this last week, actually. There was an opening at the firm and I managed to sweet talk my way into the gig.”
“No shit,” Jungwon says with a big grin. “Glad to have you back! Man, these things are so fucking boring without you.”
“Let’s catch up for a drink sometime.” Jungwon smiles in kind and hears a group of people calling his name to open presents. He reluctantly excuses himself from the two of you to join them, apologizing before he disappears into the crowd.
Jay turns to you. He’s closer to Sunghoon than he is to you and out of everybody your husband has introduced you to, Jay is the one you’re not as close with. He’s been overseas for the duration of your marriage and has only visited a handful of times. Even then, your interactions have been short and polite. You don’t know that much about him, other than the basics and how Jungwon came to know him through your husband before he asked you to marry him. The two of you drifted on opposite ends of the social circle and have never been left alone until now.
“Hey,” Jay says politely. “Long time no see. I think the last time was at your father’s birthday last summer. Sorry I couldn’t make it to Sunghoon’s.”
You wave him off. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you have more important things to do than come to these things.”
“I do,” Jay says with a laugh. “They’re always stuffy, aren’t they? Everyone’s a fraud nowadays.” Hearing him say that makes you feel better. You let out an airy laugh and grab two champagne flutes from the waiter passing by and hand one to Jay after thanking the staff.
“You know my mom, right? She has a thing for throwing these big parties to show herself off. She and her assistant work night and day to make sure everything is perfect but it’s never about the celebration and always about how much effort she puts into them. I don’t think she’s capable of humble bragging even if she tried.”
Jay laughs and brings the flute up to his lips. “My mom’s the same. She lives in America though, so I have a lot of excuses to stay in Asia.”
“You’re so lucky. Jungwon begged our mom not to throw an elaborate party but she did it anyway.” The two of you are fast to finish your drinks and opt to go to the bar and order something different. He orders a glass of bourbon and you order a glass of chilled white wine. The alcohol tastes like a breath of fresh air on your tongue, especially as it makes you feel like you can be happy throughout the misery you find yourself enduring.
“You’re back in Korea, huh? I don’t think I remember when you moved away.”
“Before you and Sunghoon were married, I think. But I was there at the wedding. It was very nice. Super elegant.”
You unexpectedly laugh out loud and cover your mouth when you realize what you've done. “Apolpogies. Yeah, the wedding was super nice. Both parents pitched it. Very…extravagent.”
“Is extravagant not good?”
“Not my style.” You sip on your wine again and force a smile on your face.
“What would you have wanted instead?"
Maybe it was the alcohol talking or because you’d known Jay to be a generally easygoing, well-mannered guy, but your flood gates open before you can stop anything from coming out. “Something small and quaint with loved ones who care about me. I’d probably invite my biology teacher from middle school and a neighbor we used to have before she moved to Japan. I’d hire a DJ instead of a band and the catering would’ve been different. I’d wear a different dress, probably.”
“That sounds more like a party than a wedding.”
You look at him with a raised eyebrow. “And what about it, Jongseong?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Sounds more fun than a stuffy wedding nobody wants to be at.” You smile back at him and let yourself be at ease. “I understand how you feel. Kind of. Can’t say moving to Korea was just for a work opportunity, but I’d rather not tell you when these people can hear. Would you want to find a bar and drink our sorrows away, maybe? I’ll pay.”
“I don’t know. I can’t just leave my brother to fend for himself.” But when you look around, Jungwon is nowhere to be found. You check your phone and see him text you about leaving undetected and that he’s sorry he couldn’t say a proper goodbye, but that he’d still come over for dinner the following week. “Well, Jungwon just ditched his own party, so I think we’re safe to ditch it too.”
The dive bar Jay introduces you to is nothing like the high-class cocktail bars you’re used to. The air smells like expired beer and cheap alcohol. There are two pool tables by the edge of the room and the bar table is sticky like it hasn’t been wiped down in a few hours. Behind it, the wall is lined with a bunch of empty beer bottles of various colors and sizes. Jay rests his elbows against the table and flags down the bartender, who seems to be familiar with him, and he tells you that this is the kind of place that holds a million stories far better than the ones you’ll ever hear at cocktail bars that cater to the rich and elite. You’re a bit envious that he was able to find such a place on his own. He’s kind enough to put your drink on his tab and keeps it open for now.
The two of you find a shallow booth to settle into. It’s one of those U-shaped areas that lets you sit next to somebody without everybody sitting so close to each other. The leather seats have been worn in and it smells like a mixture of vodka and stale air. The dust permeates around you and you’re sure that if you squint, you’d be able to see its particles floating in the air in front of you. You’ve never been to a place like this. Not really. You’ve stepped into bars and restaurants that weren’t as high end as the ones your parents take you to, but they lack personality, unlike the dive bar Jay takes you to. The bartender didn’t seem to care that Park Jongseong had opened a tab, nor did he care that you were with him. If this were any other cocktail bar, a rumor or two would’ve been spread by now. An eyebrow would have been raised, at the very least.
“This is one of my favorite places in all of Korea,” Jay says to break the silence. “Found it by accident during undergrad. Nobody gave a fuck about me here so I kept coming back.”
The two of you begin to drink in peace. It’s not as awkward as you thought it would be. Jay has a knack for overtaking the conversation when others fall short and he doesn’t seem to mind being the soundtrack, as long as someone’s listening.
“Might need to find a hideaway like this.”
“You can always come here without me, you know.”
“Careful, Jay. I might make this bar my place of solace now.”
Jay laughs earnestly and you watch his shoulders rise and fall with each huff of his chest. “I always did wish we were closer back when we were younger.”
“Why’s that?”
“Jungwon talked about how much you hated high society. The two of you were always on the same wavelength when it came to this stuff. I was the only person he talked about this with. Except for you, of course.” His confession lingers and he looks down at his drink. “I don’t mean it in a weird way. It seemed like everybody our age was caught up in the media and outperforming everyone else. Me? Never cared for it. I don’t have any siblings so there wasn’t a need to compete for my parents’ attention. I watched everyone make fools of themselves. But never you.”
“Wow, I never knew you felt that way. I can’t lie, though. It’s always nice knowing someone else hates this bullshit just as much as I do.”
Jay chuckles. “We’ve all got our grievances. I just think the three of us are the only ones willing to look past the surface level.”
“We were always orbiting around each other, weren’t we?” You ask him as you reminisce about the past. “I remember being introduced to you when we were still in grade school. You were the total opposite of Sunghoon and I couldn’t fathom how you two got along. Jungwon said it’s because we’re both talkative and Sunghoon likes it when people can talk to him easily.”
Nodding, Jay laughs again. “He used to say the same thing about you. Said you were always talking his ear off but that he didn’t mind it too much because you seemed passionate enough to tell him.” Your smile falters and you hope Jay doesn’t notice.
“I wonder why our parents never forced us to become friends like the rest of our peers.”
“They probably knew pairing us up would result in the end of their lifestyle. We’d probably talk everyone’s ear off about how disgustingly wealthy everybody is, ourselves included.”
You take a sip of your wine and let the alcohol warm your face. “I’d probably throw jabs at people if I knew I had you to back me up. Jungwon and I could only say so much.”
“Fuck, I’d grab a microphone and tell everyone to go fuck themselves and then throw that mic on the floor to be dramatic. I probably would’ve been kicked out of my parents’ will but it would’ve been worth it.”
It’s easy to feel relaxed around Jay. It’s been a long time since you’ve confided in someone about how you’re feeling and what goes through your mind more often than not. Those who call themselves your friend are merely people met through circumstance. You hardly think any of them know when your birthday is.
“All these expectations are weighing down on me,” you say as you start to loosen up. You don’t remember how much you had to drink at Jungwon’s birthday party. All you know is that the wine in your glass isn’t helping you sober up and that your words keep tumbling out of your mouth whether you want them to or not. Something about Jay is trustworthy enough, and you might be drunk, but you know that Jay is somebody your little brother admires a lot, so you don’t see the harm in talking to him. “I think about what my life would’ve been like if I had just stuck to my original path. I went to university for business and biology, you know. I wanted to become a doctor. But my parents want me to take over the company when my father officially retires. I could only minor in biology if I made my primary focus in business and accounting. I always got good grades and never strayed from my path. But I fucked it all up just before I graduated. Isn’t that something?”
“I get what you mean, I think. Expectations from people who don’t really give a shit about us are bullshit, aren’t they? They want to look good in the eyes of society. I don’t believe for a second that people care about us. I can’t blame them either. We’re a bunch of stuck up, rich fucks who only care about our status.”
“Why’d you suggest coming to the bar?” You ask him before you can really think about it. “Shit, sorry. Don’t mean to overstop. You don’t have to say anything.”
“It’s cool,” Jay says and brushes your words off as if to convince you that there’s nothing you need to apologize for, “I’ve, uh, had some things weighing on my mind recently. I was gonna come to this bar anyway.”
“You can talk to me about it.” You take Jay’s hand in yours and squeeze it but you don’t let your fingers linger for too long.
“What do I have to lose, right?” Jay asks himself more than he asks you. “What were we talking about before? Ah. Expectations. I’ve been all over the place for the last few months. I don’t think I can believe my life has come down to making a choice to save the reputation of someone I care about or ruining her happiness just to preserve mine.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sooha. You remember her, right? She grew up in the same neighborhood as you but went to a different private school.”
“Of course. She always has those plushies clipped to her backpack way before it was considered cool.”
“Yeah, that’s her. Sooha’s a friend of mine. Wouldn’t say we’re super close, but she’s someone I care about. She was real about shit, too. Hated aristocracy and this social class bullshit. As we know, Sooha moved to the States for high school and university but moved back to Korea because of someone she met in college, who ended up moving here for work once they both graduated. Her parents have been pressuring her to marry into a family to submit her status because she’s been gone for so long. Her family’s been hinting at this marriage if she wants to have access to the family trust and continue benefiting from them.”
“They’re going to cut her off if she doesn’t get married?”
Jay wipes his face. “Apparently so. Anyway, her parents have been talking to mine for the better half of this year. They wanted me to move back to Korea and marry Sooha.”
“What about the person she met in college? Are they still in Seoul?”
The smile on his face is a sad one. “Sooha has a girlfriend. Suzi. She’s from Tokyo and her father has a relatively successful cargo shipping business in Japan. You can imagine why Sooha’s parents can never find out she would consider marrying anyone other than me.”
“Shit, Jay.” Your jaw might as well be hanging off of its hinges with the way you’re unable to keep your mouth closed. “You agreed to marry Sooha to cover for her, didn’t you? I’m so sorry.”
Jay shrugs like there’s nothing he can do to change what’s happening. “It’s not like I have any other choice. My parents had started asking questions about settling down. But I’m young, I want to travel the world and do much more than get married to someone I’m not in love with.” His admission causes the smallest fracture in your heart. It’s barely noticeable, but you feel the significant weight that has been left on your chest. “I can’t stand to see Sooha so upset, though. This way, at least, she’ll be able to see Suzi without too much pressure. We’re engaged but it’s more like a cover up until we can figure something out.”
“You’re either the dumbest person I know or you have a heart of pure gold, Park Jongseong.”
“Maybe a little bit of both?”
You laugh at that. “Maybe. Does anyone else know about this?”
“Just Suzi. Everyone who needs to know has some role in this.”
“And me.”
Jay smiles. “And you.”
“It’s crazy that you’re willing to change your life for Sooha, though. Even crazier that her parents aren’t letting her be single now that she’s back home.”
“I think part of her wish was to stay back in America, but I know how much she loves her girlfriend. It’s disgustingly cute like a Hallmark romance movie. Almost makes you wanna gag but you just can’t.”
“Sooha is incredibly lucky to have you.”
“I try to see it that way. I feel like a narcissistic asshole when I do, but protecting someone from our shitty way of life means something to me.”
“How does this arrangement work? Like, do you guys live together?”
“Her parents own a penthouse up by the InterContinental. Extremely spacious and enough to keep up appearances. She technically lives with me, but she spends more time at her girlfriend’s apartment than at ours. We only act like we’re engaged if we need to be seen together, otherwise we live pretty separate lives and don’t see each other all that much.”
“The fact that you’re willing to do all of this and sacrifice your own happiness is amazing, Jay. You’re so noble-like. You’re genuinely the most selfless person I have ever met.” Jay blushes under the dim lighting and tries to downplay his selflessness.
“I wish I could believe anyone would do it.”
“You know they wouldn’t.”
Jay chuckles and finishes the rest of his drink as you finish the rest of yours. “I’m just trying to figure out how I want to live the rest of my life. It’s kind of hard to settle into this new role as the groom-to-be when all I think about is running away.”
“Don’t think I’ve ever heard of a runaway groom,” you say to Jay to tease him. The jukebox in the back of the bar temporarily malfunctions as patrons are putting more coins in the machine. The laughter of drunk strangers makes you feel just a bit more settled and, for once, you feel like a normal girl catching up with an old friend.
“Trust me, it’s tempting. But enough about me. How’s Sunghoon? I haven’t heard from him lately. Seems like there’s no time for any of us to catch up.”
You smile at Jay, but it doesn’t reach your eyes. “Sunghoon’s great. He just finished a big project under his father’s name and onboarded a very powerful client from Busan. I think he’s just stressed out.”
“Is that why he didn’t come to Jungwon’s party?” You try not to let that question irritate you because it’s not Jay’s fault that he’s curious. Sunghoon’s absence is a loud testament to his loyalty to you and it’s nonexistent, that much you know. Having to smile and save face by telling the guests he was caught up in his work rolled off your tongue like it always does. But you don’t know how many more excuses you have left in you.
“Sunghoon’s been working nonstop lately so he’s resting,” you lie. It startles you just how willingly you say it. The embarrassment of having other people know this marriage isn’t real and just for show isn’t what brings you to your knees because you’re sure more couples were paired together this way. But unlike the rest of your peers, you’re in love with somebody who you legally call a husband, but he does not love you back.
Jay looks down at the empty glasses. “Let’s take a break in this depressing shit. Take a few shots with me?”
“I hope you know that you’re responsible for getting us home,” you tell him as you stand from your seat and follow him to the bar.
“I’ve got my driver on speed dial. Don’t you worry about a thing.”
You learn that Jay’s wild in ways you never expected. He doesn’t hesitate when he drinks three shots of tequila in a row and you do the same, ignoring the feeling of the liquor burning down your throat with no chaser. You try not to think about it too much and find that you’re starting to let loose and really enjoy the company you’re with. Jay’s attentive in ways you’d never guess from him. He’s so considerate and kind for someone who grew up an only child and he understands the world far better than you ever pegged him for. Jay’s always been that kid in the background of birthday parties and everything that requires an audience. You don’t know why you never struck up a conversation with him or why Sunghoon hadn’t made more of an effort to get the two of you to become friends. You both get along just fine and there’s not a lull in conversation. In fact, Jay brings out the talkative person in you, even though it’s someone you’ve tried to bury for a long time.
It feels so good to talk to him. The floodgates open and they can’t be closed. There is something so honest about Jay that makes you want to open up to him and spill all of your secrets. Jungwon has always described him as trustworthy and dependable, and you trust your little brother more than anyone else in the world. It’s no wonder they’re so close. You can see the way Jay beams at your compliments and how he thrives off of being understood as well. In a society filled with people who will backstab each other if that means getting what they want, Jay’s the kind of guy who will hold his tongue and condemn them behind closed doors.
Three shots later, your current drink of choice is sitting haphazardly on a stool while the two of you throw darts at the dart board. Your aim is terrible, whether it be from the alcohol or generally terrible hand-eye coordination. Jay, on the other hand, throws darts like a pro. He doesn’t hit the bullseye, but he’s pretty damn close.
“This is so not fair,” you whine. “You’re not drunk enough.”
“I’m plenty drunk,” Jay laughs. “I think you’re just bad at aiming.”
“So not fair,” you mutter under your breath again, albeit not as seriously.
“You owe me a story, you know,” Jay says when he throws another dart. It lands just outside bullseye territory. “I just revealed a pretty big secret that I probably shouldn’t have told you “
Your cocktail settles in your stomach when you take a sip and throw a dart at the same time. It manages to land in one of the sectors just below the dart Jay had previously thrown, and that seems like a win in your book. “I’ll go secret for secret.”
“You don’t have to,” Jay says, “I was just joking about wanting you to tell me something.”
“It’s about time I get this off of my chest.” You say it, although you don’t think you can properly think it through. But Jay is trustworthy, right? If not because of Jungwon’s friendship with him, than because he divulged his whole fake marriage to Sooha, which doesn’t even begin to touch the arranged aspect of their union. There’s a whole other layer added to their mess, one that you can unfortunately relate to.
“You could tell me what you had for breakfast, for all I care.”
“You don’t care about what I have to say?”
Jay’s eyes look like they’re in some kind of panic. You can’t hold in your laughter for longer than a second, and you end up bursting into a fit of giggles before inevitably holding yourself up by gripping his shoulder. You’ve gathered that Jay is the kind of guy to wear his heart on his sleeve and take everything at face value because he has no reason to believe otherwise. Despite having grown up in the same society as you, he seems like he’s always managed to listen to his heart instead of his brain. That’s what you like about him the most so far.
“I’m just kidding, Jay. Don’t look so frightened."
He scoffs, but hides a real smile. His shoulders relax and he throws another dart even though it’s supposed to be your turn. “You have a skill for giving people heart attacks.”
“It’s my special talent." You’re drunk enough to disregard safety in every sense of the world. In this dive bar, the outside world doesn’t exist and your mind has made up such a lie that lets your guard down. “Sunghoon and I aren’t actually married.”
“What?!”
“Well, we are. Legally. But it’s just for the press and tax benefits. We don’t spend much time together unless we need to make an appearance. That sort of thing.”
“You’ve been married for two years…”
You shrug as nonchalantly as you can. “Yeah, it’s been this way ever since he asked me to marry him.”
“I guess it makes sense. The two of you were always super close. I can understand how you both ended up with each other.” You laugh like he’s telling a joke.
“You know the craziest part? I think he’s seeing another girl. I know he’s seeing another girl. Walked in on him eating her out and pretended I didn’t see anything.”
“That’s cheating, isn’t it?”
“Not when our marriage wasn’t real to begin with.” Your cocktail is gone by the time you finish your sentence. “We were best friends for a decade before he stopped talking to me completely. Then he came into my life and I was stupid enough to believe he actually cared about me. We’ve been in the public eye for a little over two years. Engaged for six months. My mom planned our wedding. There are photos online but I don’t look happy in a single one.”
“You’re pretty good at faking a smile.”
A genuine grin finds its way to your mouth. “Thank you. I take pride in how well I can compose myself.”
“It’s a skill I wish I had.”
“Sunghoon’s probably screwing this girl as we speak. Couldn’t get ahold of him before Jungwon’s birthday. Pathetic, right?”
The words coming out of your mouth feel foreign and unfamiliar against your tongue. For the majority of your life, you had nothing but sweet praises for Sunghoon and were the first person to give him the benefit of the doubt if he has made anyone upset. You were his ride or die and the girl who would stick up for him when nobody else would; you’d protect his introversion from his loud-mouthed family and risked being grounded by your parents for speaking harshly against those who insulted Sunghoon. Speaking ill about him brings out a nasty version of yourself, and you feel the slightest bit guilty for painting him in such a negative light. The alcohol tells you it’s okay to feel the way you do. It makes you feel like you’re justified and validated for being disappointed in him.
At the beginning of your marriage to Sunghoon, perception was everything. You wore the perfect clothes with the perfect smile. Everything from living accommodations to vacation photos were immaculate, but only a handful of people knew each photograph was staged and rehearsed. You never did get used to the feeling of Sunghoon’s arm gently wrapped around your waist for photo opportunities because the moment the cameras turned away, he’d remove himself from your body like you burned him.
It almost feels like you’re bad mouthing a friend. The guilt settles on the table and you’re positive you’re the only person who truly understands this type of torment. How could anyone have ever let you agree to this? Why hadn’t anyone tried to talk you out of marrying Sunghoon? You suspect everybody who knew about the nature of your marriage to him thought he’d fall in line and eventually fall in love with you too. It was never a secret as to how infatuated you were with him. Everyone knew you’d take the long way home if that meant walking Sunghoon to his house and spending extra time with him. You’d ditch piano lessons to get ice cream with him every other week. You had almost followed him to his dream university instead of choosing the one you had your heart set on.
The words stumble right out of you. “It feels really weird saying this about him. I’ve spent my whole life chasing after Sunghoon and when I finally have him, I feel nothing.”
“If I found out my wife was seeing another guy, I’d be pretty mad too.”
“It’s not just about that. I always thought Sunghoon would be my forever, you know? He was so charming and effortlessly funny. I always thought he was a little corny in a sweet kind of way. We were glued to each other’s sides back then, but I couldn't tell you what changed. We had always been best friends and it didn’t matter if people had assumptions about us until high school. Sunghoon started pulling away and ditching me for his new friends. We stopped talking once we moved to university and he stopped answering all of my texts. We never really talked it out because he never wanted to.”
“I never knew that,” Jay says apologetically. “I moved away at that point. I’m sorry, I always thought the two of you were close for all this time. Maybe it’s too out of place for me to say, but I was so happy when I heard the two of you were engaged. I thought it was about time. I guess not.”
You laugh humorlessly. “Everyone says that. Sunghoon hates it. I know because he puts his guard up. I know what his fake smile looks like and I know how he acts when he has to pretend to be somebody he’s not for the sake of keeping his family’s reputation. Our marriage was built on perception, not real love.”
“And that’s what you want? True love?” Jay watches you groan and put your elbows on the table. You bury your face in your hands and feel how warm your cheeks have gotten.
“I want to experience the kind of love that makes me feel like I’ve just burst into a million pieces. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. It’s so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Jay says from beside you. “It really isn’t. We all deserve to feel happy and it’s unfair that people put pressure on us to act a certain way just to gain approval. Wanting to fall in love isn’t a bad thing.”
“I would never wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. I always feel like my needs are never met while Sunghoon gets more than he asks for. I’m just the trophy wife who looks pretty smiling next to Korea’s next big thing. I’m nothing but a pair of tits.”
Jay tries not to laugh, but a faint snort escapes him. He manages to pull you from your hands and pushes his last remaining shot to you and watches as it disappears inside your throat. “He sounds like an ass.”
“He is an ass.”
“I’ll take your word for it. We aren’t as close now. I wish he’d be a decent husband, at least. You seem like a pretty devoted wife.”
“Pfft. I’m just a pawn. I’m sick and tired of being treated like a toy instead of a person. I had a future too, you know. I threw it all away for him. Sunghoon couldn’t even show up to my brother’s fucking birthday party.”
Jay winces. “Yeah, there’s no getting out of that one. I wonder how your parents will take it.”
“I’m not bailing him out this time. He can get his dick wet with this other girl but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna clean up his messes anymore. Sunghoon can’t expect me to be loyal to him if he doesn’t reciprocate.”
“Atta girl.”
His words settle. You’re both far too wasted to be out in public and when Jay offers to give you a ride back to your house, you tell him you’d rather go anywhere but your marital home and he takes you to his place instead. It’s much more cozy than you would’ve pictured for him. The house is gargantuan but his interior decorations somehow make his home look warm and approachable with ambient lighting because he “hates the bright overhead lights” but never got them reinstalled, instead choosing to source different lamps from all over the place. His living room looks like a cozy backdrop. It has a large conversation pit with decorative pillows and an acoustic guitar by the edge.
With your shoes off, you walk towards it. “That’s right. I totally forgot you could play.”
“It’s been a while, though.”
“Stop being so humble. You were amazing when we were kids. I’m sure muscle memory comes back when you play.”
“Why don’t I fix us a drink and we can watch a movie or something.”
Jay leaves you in the conversation pit. He pushes a button behind one of the pillows and you watch as a projector propels down from the ceiling. It’s at a perfect height for you to watch it like you’re in a movie theater. He laughs at your awe and grabs two shot glasses and brings over two bottles of soju.
“Ladies first,” Jay says as he offers up the first shot. It doesn’t take much convincing for you to swallow the liquid in one go. Jay takes a shot too. “To forgetting Sooha and Sunghoon.”
“He makes me think about all the things I’ve been missing out on, you know? I’ve been holding out for him for so long when I could’ve been doing literally anything else with my life. Maybe I could’ve moved to America and started a life there or developed a crush on some other guy who wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. My god! My life’s a walking mess. It’s a nightmare, Jay. I miss out on good company, good friends…good sex, even.”
“You haven’t had sex since before marrying Sunghoon?” Jay asks in complete confusion.
“I’ve never been one to sleep around,” you reply with a tinge of embarrassment over your face.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just can’t imagine a person going so long without sex.” You laugh at him and Jay takes another shot, wiping the corner of his mouth when a drop of soju falls.
“I always thought it would be Sunghoon or nothing, you know? I thought he caught feelings for me too, way back when we were kids. I don’t know why I thought that. It wasn’t true, anyway. I ended up losing my virginity to some guy who couldn’t get me wet enough to stick it in the first time. It was awful, Jay. I feel like I’m cursed with a nonexistent sex life because I have to be the perfect wife and nobody knows that me and Sunghoon haven’t been intimate before.”
“I know.” Jay looks at you as he speaks. “And it must be hard being neglected, isn’t it?”
A sound comes out from the back of your throat. You don’t know what it is or where it came from, but Jay seems to like it. And you hate that you feel the tension rise as the air shifts around the two of you because yes, you’ve been neglected throughout your entire life and you desperately crave for somebody to choose you with intent, not because of obligation. It isn’t just emotional neglect. He’s distant in a way that makes you feel like something is inherently wrong with your body, too. Sunghoon isn’t intimate with you. He doesn’t kiss you and he doesn’t touch you. The only time he’s put his lips on yours was during your wedding ceremony, and that was only for show.
“Yes,” you say, as you can barely speak coherently.
“It’s hard keeping secrets. You’re always thinking about everyone else instead of thinking about yourself. You need some attention too, don’t you think?”
“Please.”
Jay smiles. You don’t mean for your hand to touch his knee, but when you look down, you’re touching him. He doesn’t pull away from you or tell you to take your hand off of his body, though. In fact, you don’t even know what Jay’s thinking. He’s just looking at you with a lazy smile when your hand inches towards his lap and you can’t seem to stop yourself from putting your hand on him.
It all happens so quickly. You don’t know who leans in first because your eyes are already closed. The next thing you know, you feel Jay’s soju-flavored lips settle against your own and you’re kissing him with such fervor that neither of you can think about the consequences a shared kiss could bring. He doesn’t pull you onto his lap. He doesn’t touch your body at all, in fact. Jay continues kissing you but sits still like he’s afraid to make a move and startle you, so you confidently find his hands with your own and allow his palms to rest on your hips.
“That was the best kiss I’ve ever had,” you admit to him quietly with your forehead resting against his.
“You’re really missing out if you think that was good,” Jay says with his eyes glossy and focused on yours. He pushes forward and captures your lips in another kiss before he pulls away just barely. You can feel his breath on your mouth as he talks. “Is this okay?”
“More than okay.”
Your brain might as well be anywhere but in your head, but you don’t care. Jay’s resolve crumbles and his hands slide up your back until he’s gripping the back of your neck and pulling your body closer to him. Your mouths never stop moving against each other either. The movie plays quietly in the background but neither of you are paying much attention to the screen. Jay’s mouth is warm and inviting, and his tongue pushing up against yours makes you question why you’ve held yourself back for the sake of Sunghoon.
His arm presses against your back and makes you arch into him like a cat stretching. You nearly lose your balance and grab onto his shoulders when your knees buckle on the couch and Jay doesn’t hesitate even for a second. His mouth moves down your jaw until he’s nipping at your neck like he’s trying to gauge your temperature, and when you tilt your head back and moan straight into the air, he pushes his teeth harder against your skin. He pushes your back until you’re flush against the couch cushions and you feel him digging into the side of your neck again.
“You sound incredible,” Jay praises from beneath you. He licks the area he’s just bitten in some sort of attempt to soothe your nerves. You can feel yourself shaking in his arms, especially when his warm breaths touch the shell of your ear. This kind of excitement ventures into unknown territory. It’s the kind of electric feeling you always thought you’d have with Sunghoon, but knowing Jay’s just as turned on as you keeps the illusion in tact. His hands touch the side of your leg, dipping his fingers underneath your dress to push it up to your upper thigh. It’s you who pushes his hand up your body and the warm air still allows goosebumps to form on your skin when you feel his fingers run over the lace of your panties.
In fact, you find your arms encircling Jay’s neck and tug him back up to your lips. He obliges and removes himself from you to drag himself right back to your mouth, and his lips are close to being unforgiving. You can taste his spit and the soju on his tongue. He tastes like pure sin that you should stay away from, but that makes your body light up with excitement. You pull him closer to your body by gliding your leg up his body and Jay moans right into your mouth when he feels your desperation too.
“This is cheating,” you mutter against him. Your body betrays you when your hips push off of the couch to meet Jay’s clothed lap.
“No it’s not.” Jay’s hand grips at your naked thigh and he smiles into your shared kiss when you gasp for him. “You might be married and I might be engaged, but we both know it’s not real.”
Although Jay speaks the truth, the back of your head is reserved and unsure. The logical explanation is written in your shared premarital agreement in the event of a divorce and everything was laid out in the open from the very start. Your marriage to Sunghoon was always a means to an end. You’ve grown to despise the situation you find yourself in when everybody around you seems so happy while you aren’t. Sunghoon always gets his share of the bargain, but you’re left in the dust.
Still, your body and your mind are at a dissonance. You’ve wrapped your legs around Jay’s waist and he cages you in his arms when you feel his hardening dick against your clothed core from where your dress has already ridden up your body from the constant friction between the two of you. Jay’s still fully clothed while you feel like you’re coming undone in ways you’ve never felt before. It’s not that sex is a completely unfamiliar territory for you. Rather, sex has always been transactional in the past. It might be considered that way with Jay, too, but you can sense that he wants you to feel just as good as you’re making him feel. You don’t think anybody has reacted to you like that. Jay is warm against your body and the combined friction ignites warmth that blooms in your chest. You’re growing wetter as the seconds tick by and he’s getting harder with every thrust of your hips.
“I’m so drunk but I don’t care,” you moan against his mouth, pulling him closer to you.
“I’ll take care of you,” Jay tells you like it’s something he could’ve told you in passing. His nonchalance turns you on because for the first time, you realize nothing needs to have labels. You can be an adult having fun with someone who wants to do it with you too.
“Take a shot with me.”
Jay pulls away from your body reluctantly and falls off of the couch to stand on his knees. He pulls the bottle and shot glasses closer and the two of you tilt your heads back and enjoy this shared moment. Jay pours you another drink and you’re about to ask him why he didn’t pour one for himself when he brings the rim up to your lips.
“Drink up.”
It’s a simple command, but it sets your body aflame and you find yourself eager to do whatever he asks of you. Jay watches as you part your lips and tilt your head back just enough for the soju to pour into your mouth from the shot glass. He doesn’t force the liquid all at once. Jay maintains eye contact while you feel it hit your tongue and you struggle to swallow without choking on it from the intensity of his stare. It makes your panties incredibly wet and you don’t care that you might be leaking all over his floor.
“So fuckin’ sexy,” Jay mutters to himself. He drags his eyes to look at your mouth glistening with the sweet alcohol. Jay leans down and steals a kiss from you as he sets the shot glass back down on the table beside you.
“Jay.”
“Sit back for me, pretty girl.”
You do as you’re told and lay on the backrest when Jay stands in front of you. The movie he had put on is long forgotten as you stare at his stiffness concealed by his slacks. Jay’s more impressive than anybody you’ve ever been with and it’s evident in the way his pants have tightened a significant amount. You’re practically gobsmacked at how his dick is protruding in his lap and you’re just so eager to reach out and touch him, but you don’t. Instead, you take your dress off. Jay becomes mesmerized as your lace bra and panties come into his view. He can’t help staring at the way your tits fill each cup, nor the way your legs instinctively part to accommodate him standing between them. Jay breathes through his nostrils like he’s holding himself back to truly admire the view before he touches you.
He unbuckles his slacks and pushes them down just enough for his boxers to come into view. The tight fit makes him look much bigger than before and a genuine shock of excitement shoots straight up your spine when you look at it. Your mouth waters and your pussy flutters at the same time. You don’t get much time to look at him, though, because he’s getting kneeling until he’s back on his knees, eye level with your covered cunt. There’s no doubt in your mind that he can see the darker, wet center. You don’t feel any ounce of shame.
When he crawls back up your body, his mouth lands on your chest and he kisses your tits slowly. The way he strategically puts his mouth on you is antagonizing. You gather that Jay likes to be intentional with his movements and he’s more calculated than he is spontaneous. He litters kisses to your chest and collarbone despite your whines and ignores the way your hand has cupped the back of his head and tugged on his roots in an attempt to pull him closer to your mouth. I’m such a brat, you think to yourself. But it’s about time you stepped out of line. Two years of playing the role of a perfect, humble wife has taken more out of you than you previously knew. Maybe you can let go with Jay because there are no expectations here. You think he might feel the same way.
His hot mouth reaches your jawline again and you’re practically mewling as you pull him closer to your chest by wrapping your arms and legs around his body. You keep him trapped between you like a spider stalking its prey and Jay is caught in the center of your ever-expanding web. He doesn’t seem to mind, though, because his hips rut against yours in a drunken haze to create friction in this position. Your mouths clash and it’s hot and wet, and everything about your bodies colliding feels natural and real. It’s the first time you’ve felt comfortable enough to let go and enjoy the present without worrying about the consequences in the future.
Jay’s covered dick pressed against your own covered cunt in a way that pushes himself straight against you. It’s a feeling unlike no other and it makes you moan loudly into his mouth. “Pretty noises for a pretty girl. You sounds so fucking sexy right now.”
“Y-You’re so big,” you stutter, earning a chuckle from him.
“Yeah baby,” he grunts, thrusting his hips at a steady pace to grind against your panties. “I’m really big. You gonna let me make you feel good? Gonna let me be the first to make you come?” Your bioships buck at that. Jay’s teeth scrape alongside the skin of your jaw when you tilt your head back and moan towards the ceiling. “You like the sound of that, huh?”
“You’re so good at this,” you tell him breathlessly. He laughs in your ear and lifts his hips before pushing most of his weight down onto you. Jay’s voice travels down your body until you’re practically meeting his dry thrusts with your own hips at a near-frantic pace.
“It’s like I said earlier. I can’t imagine my life without sex. Don’t know how you went years before letting somebody else touch you.” When you look up at him, he doesn’t look as though he’s trying to insinuate that you’ve been deprived by choice. Jay sounds almost pained on your behalf–how can someone go so long without being pleasured like this? And the thought of being involuntarily celibate is embarrassing when he’s staring at your chest with lust in his eyes. You’ve got experience, but Jay has enough passion to make you nervous and excited simultaneously. He pulls himself back and you whine at the loss of his body heat but he brushes his thumb against your clothes clit and watches you get used to the feeling. You’re incredibly wet at this point and there’s no use in trying to hide the way Jay’s making you feel.
You wonder if Sunghoon talks to Chloe like this when they’re having sex. Is he as sultry as you imagined him to be? Does he whisper filthy, nasty things in her ear when his hands roam all over her body? You can only imagine what he looks like. You’ve spent years picturing Sunghoon hovering over your body the way Jay was, and pushing his lips against yours as he takes all of you without remorse. You’d always imagined him in your bedroom when he made himself unavailable. Maybe he’d sneak into your room and kiss you like he meant it. Would Sunghoon be as attentive as Jay is?
His fingers dance across your covered pussy and he touches every part of you with his fingertips. Jay looks godly when he stares between your legs like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He moves his index finger over your clit and gulps when he feels how wet you’re becoming just from his hand. You don’t think you can accurately remember the last time anyone has ever spent more than a few minutes toying with you like this. It’s always over before you know it and pretending to be okay with not getting off was something you hated doing. You swore never to feel that way about sex again. Looking at Jay and knowing he wants to devour you whole keeps you interested.
With his thumbs hooked on the fabric, Jay helps them slide down your thighs until they’re hanging off of his finger. “Do you always wear cute panties?”
“Cute?”
Jay chuckles and dangles them in front of your face. “Yeah, baby. So cute. I can’t believe a girl like you doesn’t have sex but wears panties like these. Nasty.” He sees the way you pulse beneath him and you see him lick his lips. He discards them to the side, somewhere on the far end of the conversation pit, probably.
“You make me seem like such a loser, Jongseong.”
He shakes his head and reaches behind you to unclasp your bra. Jay’s eerily good at this and you never would’ve thought to imagine the slightly introverted, awkward boy from your childhood is ridiculously good at getting you wet. You don’t even know where he’s tossed it. “You’re not a loser. It’s really hot that you’re letting me fuck you and talk you through it.”
“Why’s that?”
“I know you won’t fuck just anyone,” Jay says as he bends down to lick one of your nipples. “You love Sunghoon too much to mess around with guys who won’t measure up. They’ll never make you come like I will.”
“I don’t want to cheat on Sunghoon…”
He licks the other nipple and his mouth quirks when he feels it hardened on his tongue. Jay sits beside you and puts his hand on your naked sex, rubbing his fingers between your folds. “You’re not cheating on him, baby. Even if you were, he cheated first.”
An indescribable pang hits your ribcage and bounces to the center of your chest. It’s unlike anything you have ever felt before. There’s a picture of shame, hurt, and yearning that overshadows feeling present and in the moment. Your mind flashes to Sunghoon’s aloof personality when he’s around you and how animated he seems to get when you’re nowhere near him. You watch from the sidelines as Sunghoon you know comes out with people who aren’t you. It always makes you feel insecure to know the person you love the most will not pretend to be happy with his childhood friend. Looking at Sunghoon is like waiting for a train that will never come. And you know this to be very true; deep down, you’ve always known Sunghoon would never truly love you the way you love him. This fear got pushed down and your infatuation for him became an overcompensating tactic to avoid being rejected by him.
But still, you can’t deny how wet being humiliated like that makes you feel.
“You hear me? Sunghoon doesn’t deserve your pussy,” Jay says, effectively bringing you back into the present. “He cheated, not you. He can keep fucking some girl but he’ll never see you like this.” You’re caught off guard when Jay slides his finger inside of you and you whine when he pushes deeper.
“Still feels like cheating.”
“You wanna know what I think?” Jay asks rhetorically. “I think you like pretending you’re being unfaithful to Sunghoon. You want to take revenge on him and make him feel pathetic too, don’t you?”
“Jay…”
“I think you want his heart to break when he finds out we’re fucking. Or do you want to know what he feels when he’s fucking other girls? Are you my little masochist?” It is unbelievable how wet you are. Jay speeds his thrusts and adds another finger when he sees you naturally spreading your legs for him. You’re barely able to talk when he’s plunging himself so deep into you with no remorse.
Maybe part of you wants Sunghoon to feel threatened by Jay in the same way you feel threatened by Chloe. Thinking about him being utterly despondent brings some kind of glee. You’ve spent your whole life longing for Sunghoon and daydreaming about being his girlfriend. If only you could impose that burden on him and make him understand how the last few years have felt for you, only to top it off with the ultimate betrayal that is far worse than anything you’ve ever felt before.
Another part of you wants to know why Sunghoon will never see you as a mere acquaintance. There was never an explanation as to why he started to pull away from you or why he stopped talking to you altogether. Sunghoon never made an effort to keep in touch during your university years and seeing him at social gatherings created enough tension to suffocate whatever room you found yourselves in. You don’t know how long he’s been seeing Chloe or why she’s interested in Sunghoon after all this time because as children, she’d be the one encouraging you to tell him about your romantic feelings towards him. Everything is so confusing when you think about it. Sunghoon is the biggest mystery in your life and marriage never fixed any problem the two of you had. How could he turn to another woman when you were right there? Why hadn’t he ever noticed you the way he notices other girls? You want to know how it feels to betray someone you used to love. You need to understand what Sunghoon felt.
“You’re such a slut and your husband doesn’t even know it.” Jay pulls his hand from you and steps away from the couch, leaving you naked and confused as you stare up at him. “I’ll be right back.”
You watch him grab the near-empty soju buttles. He walks towards his kitchen when you see him quickly drink what’s left and throw them into the recycling bin. You aren’t sure where he’s going or why he left you high and dry until you watch him open his liquor cabinet and search for a bottle. Jay spots it pretty quickly and licks his lips as he walks back, his eyes darting between your naked sex and the bottle.
He kneels in front of you and opens it, pouring the liquid into one shot glass. “Did you know I’ve only opened this once? I bought it after I landed an important client. Took one shot then put it back in my cabinet.” He dips his finger inside of the glass and smears it over your clit. “I only said I’d take a shot if it was important. And fuck, with the way you’re looking at me?”
He doesn’t need to finish his thought. All this time, you’ve been so selfish thinking about yourself and the situation you’re in with Sunghoon. You’ve been so selfish this entire night by drinking your sorrows and pushing them onto Jay when all he’s done is try to lend you a shoulder to cry on and a safe space to open up. In the time you’ve been in his apartment, and in the time his hands have been on your body, not once did you think he might be using you as an escape from his own arranged marriage. He spent the evening throwing darts and getting drunk for you. Jay, a relatively private man with a tight knit inner circle, invited you to his penthouse. He’s putting his hands on you and promises to give you something Sunghoon never will, even if it’s just for tonight. Realizing this makes you feel wanted. Chosen, even. You wonder if Jay feels the same way.
When he pushes your legs further apart and beckons you to slide down on the couch to present more of yourself to him, he pours a small amount of bourbon on your pussy. It isn’t ice cold like the soju from earlier, but it’s cool enough to make your hips jerk at the mere touch. He doesn’t waste any time and bends down to lick it up. Jay moans when his tongue glides over your wetness mixed with the liquor and the vibration makes your body buzz. You don’t know how he’s holding the shot glass steady while his mouth moves all over you. Jay must be some kind of sex god who’s mastered eating pussy if he’s able to be still enough to keep the alcohol from falling. He doesn’t immediately push himself between your folds like you think he will. Instead, Jay keeps a balanced rhythm of licking up your slit like he’s trying to clean every inch of you before pouring more bourbon straight onto your pussy.
He puts the glass back down on the table somewhere behind him when the liquor’s gone. Jay’s hands grip your thighs when they start to close and force you to keep them somewhat open for him as his tongue plunges deep into you without warning. You grab onto the back of his head and tug at his hair, pushing your lap right into his face with a loud moan. It’s enough for his grip to tighten around you and lift your body before him like he’s a starving man who’s dead set on eating anything placed in front of him.
“You’re so loud,” Jay comments from between your legs. You’re barely able to hear him because your thighs are suffocating him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. You’re just as shocked as him to hear the kind of sounds you’re capable of making. No amount of forcing yourself to like strangers touching you nor touching yourself could ever get you to sound the way you do when you’re with Jay.
He releases one hand from you and pries you legs apart once more to slot his hand against your wet sex, gliding his digits against your folds. The tip of his fingers nudge against your clit every time he moves his hands and your hips buck like you’re a mechanical bull trying to throw off your rider.
“You’re so fucking desperate for it,” Jay says to you in disbelief. “Never knew you could get like this. I always thought you were so independent.”
You can barely choke out a response. “I could say the same for you.” He grins wickedly and sticks two of his fingers into your hole.
“I’m just private, baby. There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
The more Jay pumps his hand against you, the more you wonder if this is what you’ve been missing out for so long. Swearing to stay celibate because other men could never live up to your standards has been for nothing now that Jay is making you feel things you’ve never felt before. It’s like you’re experiencing a new walk of life for the first time. Good sex is hard to come by. Incredible, mind-blowing sex is rare. You’ve always wondered how anybody could ever love hooking up if it always ended in disaster and being left unsatisfied. Now, you’re starting to think that this is definitely worth the wait.
Everything is so warm. The sweat on your skin builds with anticipation as Jay licks you while his fingers thrust themselves in and out of your hole. You feel exposed when you realize that he’s still fully clothed while you’re completely naked before him, but you don’t feel shy. Everybody expects you to be put together and docile until being spoken to. You’re a mere toy in everybody’s eyes, the kind that can bend at every beck and will without complaint. But with Jay, you’re somebody who can think for herself for the very first time in a long while. There are no expectations in this room. There’s just pure, raw passion.
You whine when Jay pulls his hand away from you but watch as it disappears underneath him when Jay shoves his tongue deep inside of you until his nose bumps your clit. You feel so emboldened with him so deep in your pussy that he refuses to get up until he’s nearly running out of oxygen. He moves his tongue inside of you and licks every inch of your walls when you see his lone shoulder move back and forth as he touches himself.
For a moment, you think about the first time you realized Sunghoon and Chloe were having an affair, if you could even call it that. It was early afternoon a mere two months ago when you came home before lunch because you had forgotten to bring a few documents for your afternoon meetings. It was supposed to be quick and seamless. They sat atop your desk in your home office, just past the guest bedroom, but the sound of a man and woman moaning stopped you in your tracks.
You were able to make out Sunghoon and Chloe because the door was slightly open. It was enough to conceal where you stood, but even if the door had been wide open, you don’t think either of them would’ve noticed you standing at the threshold. Your husband’s face was stuck in between Chloe’s legs with him kneeling before her and her body on the guest bed. She was loud and her back was arching with her hand tightening its grip on Sunghoon’s hair when you heard the violently loud slurps coming from his mouth. His hands gripped her legs for dear life when your eyes locked onto his hips. Sunghoon used the side of the bed to rub his dick against his pants that were haphazardly pushed down just enough to feel the friction of rubbing his boxers against the bed.
It was loud, messy, and frantic. Chloe reached her climax soon after and Sunghoon was still thrusting his dick against the bed, moaning deeply and right into her core. Your own heart shattered into a million pieces and it seemed like you were the only person who could hear it fall to the ground. Watching them felt like an invasion of privacy, but you wouldn’t look away. Your husband and childhood friend were hooking up underneath your roof. Betrayal hit you like a truck and it didn’t matter that Sunghoon had made it explicitly clear that his marriage to you was nothing short of convenient. It still hurt to realize the person you loved wanted absolutely nothing to do with you even after all you had done for him.
You don’t know why this thought makes you come. Jay laps your orgasm up like a starved animal while you try to keep your legs open for him. The blinding, hot light is the first time any person has ever made you finish, and you’re too conflicted to focus on anything but finishing in his mouth. Maybe you’re built for shame and humiliation. You hate that you think of Sunghoon when you come. It’s not fair to Jay, whose knees are probably aching from the amount of time he’s spent on the carpet.
“You taste so goddamn good,” Jay moans as he licks your folds to clean any remnants of your cum. “I like the idea of your cum tasting like bourbon. My favorite.”
You don’t wait for Jay to sit up by the time you’re learning over to reach for the bottle. He stares at you and smirks when you take a swig of the liquor and wipe the stray droplets with the back of your hand. You finally turn to look at Jay and see how his lips glisten with your arousal and come as he wipes his chin dry while he sits back on the couch with his cock hanging out. His hair is damp and tousled from your grip on it. Even now does Jay look like walking sex.
All of the alcohol in your system makes your adrenaline rush. He was right, his dick is big. Bigger than guys you’ve hooked up with in university and much bigger than you could’ve ever anticipated. Your cheeks might as well be warm to the touch with how much you’re blushing and Jay barely contains his entertained smirk.
“Are you gonna just sit there and look?” He brings his hand around his cock, spits on himself, and slowly twists his wrist to spread it around. There’s something incredibly erotic about watching him jerk himself off with his watchband moving along with him. You merely sit back on your knees and look up at him before pulling his pants and boxers down with your hands while he takes his shirt off and throws it somewhere behind him. With both of your hands wrapped around him, he feels extremely warm to the touch and smells faintly of musk and sandalwood. It must be his cologne. It’s intoxicating and the scent has invaded your mind ever since you sat next to him in the dive bar.
Is Sunghoon as big as Jay? You can’t help but picture him in Jay’s place with his legs spread out as his dick stands tall and stiff in your hands. You try not to think about him as your thumb swipes over Jay’s slit, earning a short-lived grunt from the man in front of you. It’s been a while since you’ve felt completely in control like this. You don’t think you can recall a time when your choices were dictated by your own will and not the opinions of others. You’re done pretending like you aren’t hurting when your friends and family expect the world from you and give nothing in return.
Jay’s tip is mildly salty from his precum and his deep moans give you the courage to continue. You don’t take him in all at once and ease your way down on him, inching your way as slowly as you can handle it. Jay doesn’t seem to mind. From above you, you can hear him breathing through his nose and struggling to keep himself composed by the feeling of your tongue rubbing the underside of his dick and your teeth gently scraping against his veins. He’s just big enough that he’s barely snug in your mouth and your spit gathers around the corners of your lips when you push yourself down on him another inch.
“You’re so good at this.” He groans and caresses the back side of your head. His touch is a soft juxtaposition from the erotic scene before you. Jay’s palm moves from your hair to your cheek and he moves his thumb over your face as if to soothe you. “Let me feel my tip.” You maneuver his dick until it pokes at the inside of your cheek, allowing Jay’s thumb to gently touch your face and feel himself in your cheek as he rubs his cock head. “Fuck,” he swears under his breath. “You look gorgeous with my dick in your little mouth.”
The praise gets to you. It climbs into your chest and buries itself into the part of you that desperately craves to be acknowledged for all your hard work. Maybe it’s the liquid that’s given you the courage to feel invincible or maybe it’s something else. You don’t know and you don’t care at this point. Jay moans deeply when you push your head down onto his cock until the tip hits the back of your throat. You gag around him and let spit pool around your mouth and let it drip down as natural lubricant, swallowing around him and making Jay hold onto your hair in a ponytail for dear life.
“I need to fuck you,” Jay swears from above you. “I swear I don’t usually need to cum this fast.”
You pull yourself off of him and jerk his dick with your hand, spreading your spit until they drip down to his balls. You maintain eye contact with Jay as you bend your head down to lick it up until there are no more droplets and you swear you see Jay’s eyes roll to the back of his head. But you do as you’re told and stand, grabbing the bourbon and bringing it with you as you straddle his lap. His wet dick rests against your bare pussy when you bring the bottle to Jay’s lips and he looks at you as the liquid pours down his mouth while your eyes are concentrated on his mouth. You replace the bottle with your own lips, tasting the liquor that spills between the two of you and pushing your tongue against his.
When you sink yourself down on him, the room echoes a cacophony of moans from the two of you. The feeling is indescribable. His dick makes you feel full to the brim and the stretch reminds you of the pleasures sex used to bring you, back when you yearned to be touched like this. The glide is easy and smooth from your spit mixed with your arousal and his precum. Jay’s hands roam all over your body as his mouth nips at your chest, no doubt leaving bruises all over your skin.
Everything goes by in a blur after his point because of your shared intoxication; Jay drills into your pussy from below when your knees start to give out and you come around him when he hits that perfect spot; he pulls your body off of his until your knees are on the couch with your cunt right in his face as he licks you like there’s no tomorrow and touches himself when he hears your wanton moans ringing in his ears, not caring if you’re overly sensitive at this point; Jay comes so deep inside of you with his mouth trailing your spine and neither of you seem to care that your mixed orgasm drips from where you two connect onto the plush of his couch and this shared inhibition makes you feel like this is a scene from an erotic movie, one that you’ve longed to be part of to satisfy your craving of wanting to feel seen and yearned after, and Jay comes for the second time all over your chest when right after you finish on him too.
He fucks you in the shower under the guise of cleaning yourselves up and you both stumble on the way to his bathroom, which smells so much like his cologne. Your chest presses against the cold tiles and you both let the steam of the hot water run as you kneel in front of Jay to take him in your mouth again before he fucks your mouth after your throat has gotten used to him being lodged right in there. He fingers you to the point where you squirt all over his arm and hear him laugh and praise you for being such a good slut for his eyes only. Jay fucks you in the shower in between washing your hair and body until the two of you decide to dry off and finish fucking in his bed, which feels somewhere between intimate and casual all at once, and you don’t know whether the dizziness in your head is from the alcohol or facing the fact that hooking up with Jay is impulsive.
When all is said and done, your hair’s wrapped in a towel with your body adorned in clothes he hasn’t worn in a while, and you hold a cigarette between your fingers with Jay on his balcony. It’s cold out here and you can see the twinkling stars from where you stand. Seoul from high above the ground looks more beautiful than it is up close. Sober, you break the silence.
“Do you think we made a mistake?”
“I don’t think so. Do you think we made a mistake?” You bring the cigarette up to your lips, inhale, and blow the smoke into the air, shaking your head, albeit unsure.
“No, I don’t think we did.”
Jay nods once. “This doesn’t have to be weird.”
“I didn’t think it would be.”
“With our circumstances…”
“Best not to tell anyone.”
Jay nods again. “I don’t want you getting hurt. I can handle myself, but I’m not the married one.” You manage a dry laugh.
“I don’t think Sunghoon would care, if that’s what you’re saying. But you’re right. No one else can know about this.” A brief minute of silence passes. “Is it wrong that I want to keep seeing you?”
He smokes from his cigarette. “Is it bad that I want that too?”
“I think we’re in agreement with many things tonight.” Jay coughs a few times through his laughter. He wants to tease you for how many times the two of you came, but he refrains.
“We’re two adults having fun. I don’t think either of us need to think too deeply about it. Whenever you want to quit, you let me know, alright? No hard feelings. You’re my friend too, and I care about you.”
“Same goes for you. I love Jungwon and I wouldn’t want you to stop being his friend because of me.”
“You have little faith in me,” Jay says, knocking your shoulder with his like he’s trying to let you know he’s joking. “People need something to cope in this fucked up world we live in. We aren’t an exception.”
Jay tells you it’s far too late for you to call your driver and that he’s not sober enough to take you back to your house. The two of you agree that it’s too awkward to share a bed to sleep, even if the last few hours were spent tangled up in one another. Jay promises to drive you back home the next morning and offers to make you breakfast before you leave. You can’t remember the last time Sunghoon offered to cook for you and the thought makes you spiral and think about all of the things Jay’s willing to do for you as a friend that your husband won’t.
A little fun has never hurt anybody, right?
***
I feel so bad putting sunghoon through so much shit but on god there is a reason & he will be the best bf u will ever see… just be patient………
SO MANY THOUGHTS! SO MANY EMOTIONS! Watching you go through this process, seeing this labor of love be born from so many weeks and weeks of plotting and trying ideas… words can not encapsulate how proud I am.
My darling boomf you’re so beyond talented, I hope you are rightfully proud of every word you’ve published. Feeling the absolute heartbreak of YN as she grapples with the reality of her present and pain of the past… you’ve so artfully woven the flashbacks into the present that they only make me feel for YN’s pain more and more.
Nobody writes emotional anguish and internal strife better than you. And smut while we’re at it actually! If I had a dime for every time I’ve read you on a plane and had to fight for a straight face—
Anyway!! Sunghoon when I CATCH YOU!! I hope you’re prepared for my fists to be the last thing you see. And Jay? Call me baby.
Love you to the moon and back Beloved, you’ve published another masterpiece yet again.
SUMMARY: Jake Sim is perfect in every way, except for the fact that he hates Christmas. The crush you harbor for your best friend’s roommate intensifies when the rest of your friends ditch you two at the annual holiday carnival and when the big day arrives, you learn that the best present of all has been hiding right under your nose.
WORD COUNT: 7.7K
NOTES: finally a fic that isn’t riddled with angst & betrayal… who’s surprised… I will only do this for blake #yup
for @moonstruck-muses, the love of my life and the only person i will ever tolerate this time of year for. merry christmas 🖤
“You don’t like Christmas?!”
When Jake Sim confesses this cardinal sin, you can’t wrap your head around the fact that he isn’t particularly fond of your favorite holiday. You nearly spill your cocktail but manage to catch yourself at the last minute. Jake merely shrugs like it’s not something that he really needs to consider. He acts like this season is nothing but another month to be forgotten about.
“It isn’t my thing. I’m not big on fanfare.”
“It’s not fanfare. It’s the snow. It’s the lights and decorations people put on their houses. It’s the cheesy holiday movies that are totally unrealistic but everybody gets their happy ending anyway. And I can’t forget about peppermint mocha.”
Jake laughs. “You really like Christmas that much?”
“She starts buying gifts early.” Heeseung chimes in and puts his elbows on the table, glancing at you and then back to Jake. “Last year, she designed t-shirts and bought a press to make them. The year before that, she made us holiday cards from scratch.”
Jake nods. “Wow, I’m impressed.”
“It’s so much more than being with your friends and family to me. Christmas goes way beyond whatever religious impositions people put on it. But for me, it’s another way of spending time with people I care about. How come you don’t like Christmas?”
He pauses for a moment as if to think about his answer, scratching the back of his neck when he looks at Heeseung. You sincerely hope you’re not putting Jake on the spot if he’d rather not talk about it, and you’re about to rescind your question when he begins talking.
“I don’t know if I have a specific reason. This time of year has never been super important to me and everybody I know is out of town by the time December comes around. I’ve never really spent Christmas with anybody since I moved to Korea, you know?”
“I think I understand. Everybody goes home for the holidays but a plane ticket to Brisbane is too expensive.”
“That’s right. It’s not that I hate Christmas. I’m just alone for most of it.”
That makes you frown. “I’m sorry for bringing Christmas up in the first place.”
“It’s okay,” he says with that charming smile that always makes you quiver in the knees. “I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”
“You remember how we met, right?” Heeseung asks. “We were neighbors at the time and I heard him playing video games on Christmas. I was going to ask him to turn it down, but ended up inviting him to my family’s party when he said he didn’t have any plans.”
“I don’t hate Christmas,” Jake repeats. “I really don’t, I just think there’s so much going on in my life that I don’t think about it until it’s here.”
You lean forward and put both of your elbows on the table. “Maybe you need to see it with a fresh pair of eyes.” He smiles.
“Maybe.”
Jake is your ridiculously hot friend that you met two months ago at Heeseung’s housewarming party. Friend might be a little bit of a stretch, though. The only time you see him is when you’re with Heeseung or your other mutual friends and neither of you talk outside of that. The first time you saw him was inside of their kitchen surrounded by your friends and his hair, which had been light brown at the time, might as well have been glistening under the god-awful overhead light. It was almost as if there was a singular spotlight on Jake and your friends were practically nonexistent when you realized just how attractive your best friend’s roommate actually was.
Heeseung broke you out of your spell to grab the dish from your hands (banana bread and tiramisu, because Heeseung loved former and Sunghoon had threatened to un-invite you to the party if you didn’t make him any, which made no sense because he didn’t live with Heeseung, but you love him anyway). It must’ve felt like an eternity for you to come back to your senses because you were thrown off kilter so much that you had neglected to take your jacket off until Heeseung pried it off of your body.
When he introduced you to Jake for the first time, it felt like thunder bursting in your heart until it challenged the strings keeping you together. You’ve never felt anything like it, least of all with one of Heeseung’s friends, but Jake smiled at you like you were a longtime friend and made room for you in their makeshift circle by the alcohol. Sunghoon’s girlfriend had joined the party just after you arrived and Jake had said you seem like the life of the party when you returned to the conversation, which made you feel incredibly shy because on most days, you’d rather be at home watching a movie in your pajamas. But Heeseung is your best friend and you’ll always show up for him.
You don’t remember what was handed to you, but you remember feeling a little bit more relaxed once you were able to focus on anything other than the ridiculously attractive man standing in front of you. Playing it cool was at the top of your list and you were sure that Heeseung and all of your other friends could hear how you stuttered over your words and how you’d lost all ability to talk like a normal person, but everyone ended up getting too drunk to pay attention to anything other than the conversation at hand, and as the party went on, you started to feel a little more comfortable around Jake.
Would it be weird if you followed Jake on Instagram? You had asked yourself that the day after the housewarming party (after stalking his social media and obsessing over pictures from when he was in Australia, no less), but you decided against it, thinking Heeseung would find it weird if you looked up his roommate on social media. But really, you didn’t want to come off as desperate and give Jake the wrong impression. He was cool and very normal compared to Heeseung’s last roommate, and you didn’t want to scare Jake and make him think Heeseung was friends with creepy girls who liked to stare at hot guys.
Maybe you can’t get Jake out of your head because you’ve been chronically single the last three years and hookups don’t seem to work out in your favor for whatever reason. Heeseung has seen his fair share of nights spent crying over hot pot or sleeping next to you on your couch because a date had gone so poorly that he picked you up as soon as you called him.
But unlike these people, Jake is considerate. He’s the kind of person who will bring you trinkets because it reminded him of you, and when you’d fuss and tell him he didn’t need to spend any money on you, he’d smile and tell you to keep it. He’s never late to group hangouts and he’ll never leave anybody walking behind if the group is big enough for nobody to notice someone has fallen behind. Jake will be the first person to offer up his credit card at dinner and wait patiently for people to pay him back. That’s the kind of person Jake is, and he makes it that much easier to fall in love with him.
When the weekend comes around, you find yourself standing in front of the carnival entrance with your friends and Jake. He’s wearing a brown jacket that makes him look stupidly handsome.
“I want hot chocolate,” Sunghoon says from behind you. “Can we stop there first?”
Jay rolls his eyes and nudges his side. “You’re gonna get a stomach ache if you eat and get on the rides.”
“Not if I drink it really slowly.”
“I hope it burns your tongue.”
“I think we should pay for our tickets and then go inside, hm?” you ask rhetorically.
Jake smiles and nods. “I think that’s a great idea.” He stretches his steps until he’d caught up with you, leaving the other two behind. Heeseung’s already reached the gate and waits impatiently for the rest of you to catch up. Soon enough, the five of you enter the fair grounds and choose to wander around the festival instead of guiding yourselves from a map.
“I haven’t been to a Christmas festival in a long time,” Jake says from beside you with his hands in his pockets. “I think the last time I went was a few years before I moved to Korea. It’s also summer in Australia during December, so it doesn’t feel like Christmas.”
“We go every year. They always say I’m the one forcing them to go, but they always end up having a fun time.” You look to your left and see Sunghoon and Jay arguing about whether or not to stop for candied apples and laugh. “Yeah, they’re a bit of a handful, but they always have fun.”
“Are you the resident Christmas expert?”
“I wouldn’t say I’m an expert, but I’m the one who loves this time of year more than them, for sure. I go all out.”
“Oh yeah? How so?”
“I love decorating my apartment with lights and winter decorations. Elf of the Shelf and things like that, you know? My space is a little too small for a big Christmas tree, but I make do with a small one that sits in the corner of my living room. My coworker’s brother runs a Christmas tree farm and gives me discounts, so it’s a win-win situation for me.”
“Wow, that’s really cool. Do you buy decorations often?”
“I have a lot that my parents used to use when I was younger and I took them with me because they know how much I love it. I try to buy a few things every year so I can spice it up, but I don’t throw away old decor, if that’s what you’re asking. I like when things have a bit of history to them. I like buying one ornament and decorating my tree with the ones I’ve collected in the past. Shiny, brand new things aren’t always the best.”
“I get what you mean, I think. This jacket used to be my brother’s but I stole it before I moved. I used to hate getting his hand-me-downs, but his clothes are the ones I treasure the most.”
“Do you miss Brisbane?”
“All the time,” Jake says with a fond smile. “I miss my family and I miss my dog. I miss this late night convenience store a block from my house because the owner used to give me free snacks from time to time. When I told him I was moving overseas, he gave me a minute to grab anything I wanted, free of charge.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“Australia’s cool and all, but it’s nothing like Seoul.” Jake glances at you and looks back in front of him. “I’m starting to like the colder weather and I love the people I’ve met here. I thought about going back once I graduated from university, but I loved the life I built here.”
“I feel the same way. I mean, I didn’t move from another country or anything, but my family doesn’t live close by. They’re close enough to where I can get to them in a day if I really needed to, but far enough where I can be my own person.”
“Exactly. I love Brisbane and it’ll always be my home, but…Seoul is where I’m supposed to be.”
"You're studying to become a physicist, right?” you ask him.
“Can’t decide if I’m making the right choice by devoting my life to being in school for god knows how long,” he says with a laugh that makes you smile. “But yeah, I want to work in research. Not sure which field yet, but I fell in love with physics during college and I can’t see myself doing anything else. And you want to be a writer, don’t you? I think you said that during the housewarming party, but I can’t remember.” The fact that Jake could remember such a small detail about you warms your heart.
“Mhm,” you mumble, trying to get your blushing cheeks to cool down.
“That’s really cool. What kind of things do you write?”
“TV shows, mostly. I loved TV growing up–still do–but I never saw anything that felt like me, you know? There’s nostalgia and guilty pleasures, but I’ve never watched anything that felt uniquely me. I’ve been writing since I was a kid but started taking it seriously when I was in university, and I’ve been trying to make that into my career ever since.”
“That’s really cool. I’ve never met anybody who wanted to do that. You’re so ambitious.” He looks so cute when he tilts his head and smiles at you. God, you need to get a grip.
“Thank you.” Your reply is a bit shy and the sudden praise makes your cheeks warm. “Life is too short to not even try to reach our dreams, you know? I can’t imagine a world where I’m not writing. I don’t even want to think about what the me of a parallel universe is doing.”
“I’m probably surfing somewhere. It’s summer in Australia right now.”
“Might even have a sun burn.”
Jake laughs. “I do need to get better at remembering to put on sunscreen.”
“Hey, we’re thinking of going on The Zipper,” Heeseung says from beside the both of you. “Does that sound cool to you guys?”
“Are you wishing for a death sentence?!” Jake exclaims a bit louder than he’d like.
“It’s not that bad, bro.” Sunghoon wears a shit eating grin and jabs Heeseung in the ribs. Jake gulps loud enough for you to hear but the other three focus their attention onto you.
“It’s my favorite ride. It’s not as bad as you think.”
“…Okay.”
You miss your friends’ short-lived cheers because you’re too busy trying to hide a smile from Jake when he looks down at you. The two of you manage to catch up with them eventually and follow them to the queue for the ride. You see him looking at the structure and part of you is enamored by the way he’s trying to push his fears down because of you. Jake falls a step behind when you turn around to look at him. He watches the zipcarts tumble over themselves in the air and looks temporarily frozen when you call out his name. Jake doesn’t hear you, and you make the executive decision to grab his wrist and pull him forward. He immediately looks at where your hand is and stumbles on himself as you pull him to stand behind your friends before anybody else could get in between. You drop his wrist when he looks back at you and turn away to hide your blush.
“You don’t have to go on it if you don’t want to.” Sunghoon would argue against you if he’d heard, but he’s too busy talking to Jay and Heeseung to notice.
“I don’t want to be the odd one out. It’s about time I conquer this fear.”
“You don’t want Sunghoon calling you a pussy later, huh?”
Jake grins sheepishly. “That too.”
“It’ll be fine no matter what you choose.”
“I guess I’m nervous about being up there. I’m gonna be thrashing around until my body hits another person.”
“It’s probably less scary if we go in separate carts—”
“Hey, they’re only letting up to three people in a cart,” Heeseung interrupts. “Is it cool if you guys get on your own since the three of us can fit into one?”
“Yeah, she and I can ride together,” Jake replies without missing a beat.
“What? Are you sure? We’re gonna bump into each other and that'll hurt more if we go separately.”
“I’ll be safer with you.”
His comment flusters you more than you’d like to admit. Jake doesn’t make a big deal of it and simply walks beside you until you reach the front of the line. You try not to think too deeply into it either because surely he just wants to be comforted and not because he might actually like you. No, that’s probably not what he meant. The attendant snaps both of you into the machine’s buckles and before you know it, you and Jake are floating through the air and crushing into one another.
His screams make you laugh so hard that you feel like you might be running out of breath. Jake laughs too and you both look at each other the entire time. He tries to tell you that looking at you is much better than staring at the ground far below beneath him, but he doesn’t fare much better than you and laughs until he’s trying to hold back several coughs.
By the time everybody’s back on the ground, you feel dizzy in more ways than one. Jake stepped off of the zipper cart faster than a lightning bolt but waited for you to walk off of the platform to let somebody else in line have a turn. The ride itself distorted your sense of reality and Jake looked like he was about to fall over until he held the edge of the railing and waited until you were next to him to fully exit the ride.
“See, not so bad, right?” You ask, laughing so hard that you can barely finish asking your question.
“Worst ride ever,” he replies with a laugh of his own, “but you helped me through it, so it wasn’t all that bad.”
“You’re just a wuss.”
He gasps and gently shoves your arm. “Am not!”
“Are too!”
“You’re an insane person who loves rollercoasters too much.”
“Oh yeah? And what about it?"
You both catch up with the rest of your friends who fare just as badly as the two of you. Sunghoon’s hunched over himself and you think he might actually throw up if he stands up too quickly.
“Sunghoon’s out of commission for a little bit,” Heeseung explains. “We’re gonna take it easy and look at some shops and maybe get food. Do you guys wanna join?”
“Nah.” Jake waves them off with his hand. “You guys go ahead. We’re gonna go on a few more rides.”
“Should we find a spot to meet up for lunch?”
“My stomach is empty,” Sunghoon announces. “I think I need to eat something or else I’ll throw up for real this time.”
Jake shakes his head. “Go ahead without us. We’ll meet up with you later.”
Nobody makes a fuss as Heeseung and Jay lead Sunghoon to an empty table near a handful of food stalls selling sweet and savory foods. But you’re freaking out on the inside because this is the first time you’ve been alone with Jake. It’s just the two of you walking around the carnival without the company of your other friends, who usually act as a buffer when you’ve become too shy around Jake to say anything that won’t make you sound like a complete idiot. The jacket you’re wearing feels far too warm and you’re hyper aware of the fact that Jake was the one who chose to separate the two of you from the rest of the group.
He did that because he knows you like rollercoasters, right? He probably did it to be nice. Sunghoon can be a bit dramatic when his vertigo kicks in and Jake probably wanted an excuse to stay away if he knew Heeseung and Jay would take care of him. It’s not like the two of you have ever expressed interest in wanting to hang out alone. He’s never given you an indication that you were anything more than just a friend he sees in passing or whenever Heeseung invites you over to their apartment. You’ve both become more friendly as the months have passed by, but it hardly breaches the territory of being anything remotely close to being friends. But, my goodness, you’re so nervous and excited that you almost forget how to walk. Jake waits for you after he’s taken a few steps and notices that you’ve lagged behind.
“Hope you don’t mind that I stole you from them,” Jake says in that casual tone of his that makes you feel like you’re going crazy. “I love them and all, but I’ve been around those three way too much in the past week.”
“Oh, um, not at all!”
“Are you sure? You don’t seem sure.”
“Totally sure.” You nod once for emphasis but Jake quirks an eyebrow at you and, somehow, your mouth runs faster than your brain. “We’ve never hung out just the two of us, have we? I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I’m this awkward mess who can’t say anything right. I’ve known those three long enough to know they’ll say things more idiotic than I ever will. But we’ve never spent time, just us two, you know? ”
Jake laughs. He pushes his head back and laughs in the air like someone’s forcing all of his laughter out of his body and you make a fact because you’re not really sure what he’s laughing at. God, you just feel a little stupid, like you’re overthinking everything. Which you probably are, because Jake hasn’t said anything bad. Yet.
“You’re hilarious, you know that?”
“I’d like to think I’m brave and opening up my heart and soul to someone I haven’t known for very long,” you say as a way of defending yourself. It’s all in good fun when you see Jake stand back to his height and smile at you.
“You’re funny.”
“And you’re funny looking.”
“Resulting to middle school insults, are we?”
“I can turn back around and hang out with our friends,” you threaten with the upturn of your mouth. Jake raises his eyebrow again like he’s challenging you to do it and you stop walking to look back at them. “I can walk away right now and leave you to face the rollercoasters alone.” Jake’s smile morphs from something mischievous to something much softer.
“I was laughing because you are funny. You’re not awkward at all. I’ve always thought you were confident and you always know the right things to say when you’re around people.”
“Really?”
“Really. You have this ability to make people open up and talk about themselves without knowing it.” You look up at him like you’re in disbelief and he must be able to tell because he keeps talking. “Do you remember when we first met at the housewarming party? You fit in with everyone in our group so well and included me into your conversation, even if I had no idea what you were talking about. I felt like we’d been friends for years at that point. I’ve never met anybody who explained a bunch of inside jokes to a stranger. Normal people wouldn’t do that.”
“I guess I’m not normal, then.” He shakes his head and continues walking.
“No, you’re not. But normal’s overrated.”
Jake sees another rollercoaster (a single loop ride) before you can formulate a response. He leads you to the back of the line while you feel like a fish out of water. It seems like you can’t think of anything to say back to him, but Jake looks preoccupied with weaving his way through the people around you, so you shut your mouth and follow him.
This line is a bit longer than the one for the previous ride. Part of you is quite nervous to be standing alone with Jake because he’s this incredibly good-looking guy who happens to be someone you’re friends with, and because, well, it’s been a while since you’ve felt this way about someone. First dates and casual hookups are a thing of the past because they’ve always left you feeling dissatisfied and incomplete. Jake checks off all of your boxes in ways that scare you half to death. Maybe you’re projecting your own qualities and standards onto him because he’s the first guy that’s actually managed to make you feel something in the last year or so.
“I can do this rollercoaster,” Jake says from beside you. “I think the other one was too much.”
“I told you it was okay to back out.”
He disagrees. “I conquered one fear today and got to make a new memory with you. Totally worth it.”
Damn Jake and his nonchalance. How he makes sentimental words seem so casual is something beyond what you can comprehend.
“So, Christmas.”
“Christmas.”
“Would it be too deep to ask you why you love it so much?” He asks. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Heeseung’s talked about it so much in the past few weeks and I guess I’m just a little curious.”
“It’s not really about the holiday itself. It’s way more than that to me. I love that the sky gets darker just a little bit earlier. As much as I love summer, I get really excited when the weather gets colder and when I can see the trees start to lose their leaves. It’s like I’m preparing for hibernation, even though that’s kind of silly and humans don’t hibernate. I feel like I’m physically and emotionally slowing down. Sometimes I think about how nothing really matters. The year is gonna end one way or another and I might as well enjoy it.
“Everything feels so much more beautiful to me. I love the lights and the fact that people put up decorations in their lawns. I love seeing my apartment become more festive with decor and other things that remind me of winter. The food people make during Christmas is fucking delicious, too. Nobody cares about counting calories or anything like that because everything looks way too enticing to give a shit about being ‘perfect,’ you know?”
You barely notice it, but Jake guides you in the line as he’s listening to you speak.
“And don’t even get me started about Christmas movies. They’re awful, Jake. Like borderline dogshit, awful.”
“If they’re so awful, why do you watch them?”
“Becuase they’re so funny. All of them follow some kind of plot–a small town waitress down on her luck meets a crowned prince and doesn’t realize who he is or that same small town waitress finds out she’s the heir to a small European country nobody’s ever heard of–and they’re all the same. Maybe some things are different, but the meat and bones of these movies all have the same meaning. And they all have happy endings. Everybody’s happy and justice is served.”
You laugh as if recalling a distant memory. “My mom and I used to watch them all the time as kids. She’d let me stay up late on the weekends and we’d laugh about how ridiculous everybody was. It was our form of spending time together. She’s a single mom, you know, so time with her was always scarce. I think I loved these movies so much because I got to watch her laugh instead of worrying about bills. She always worked on Christmas, too, so I’d have a marathon by myself with popcorn and peppermint bark. Watching these shitty movies takes me back to when everything felt so simple.”
“I get it, I think. Escapism is really enticing. I think about all the things that make me feel a little better about reality,” says Jake.
“Exactly! You get it. I don’t know, I wasn’t the happiest kid because there was a lot of uncertainty about stuff. It was just my mom and I, and I love her so much, but sometimes it feels like I had to grow up because of our circumstances. It wasn’t her fault, though, and I know that. I was a huge introvert when I was a kid and it was hard for me to make friends because I was so shy and probably a little too grumpy.”
“You don’t seem shy to me. I always thought you were pretty confident and talkative.”
“I guess I got so comfortable overcompensating to push my shyness away that I started getting better at making friends. Heeseung and I met in college. We sat next to each other in our last year of university and I was kind of awkward at first because he wouldn’t stop talking. My God, if he saw me on campus, he’d join me for lunch or walk with me until we needed to go in separate directions. I started talking with him more and the rest is quite literally history.”
“You two never…dated, right?”
You shake your head. “Oh, absolutely not. Heeseung and I are really close, but we’ve never had any interest in each other. He’s like my brother.”
“Oh, good. Good to know.”
“So anyway, movies were my biggest escape to forget about the bad days. We weren’t the richest, but we’d make do. She baked cookies ahead of time and when Christmas evening came, she and I would eat them until our stomachs got too full. And then moving here with virtually no friends made me feel like I was that small child who was always alone, even if I did have some friends here and there. Looking forward to doing all of these festive things felt like I could disassociate without feeling guilty about it. Pulling myself back to reality didn’t hit me as hard because I could always slip back into the fantasy and pretend everything’s alright. Like nothing bad can touch me.”
You come to your senses when you don’t hear much from Jake. He’s been silent beside you for the entire conversation and looking him in the eye makes you want to curl in on yourself. Jake doesn’t say anything right away and you’re silently begging him to. Did you talk too much? Did you overshare? Was he just being polite when he said nothing was off limits?
“You have a profound way of looking at the world.”
You nearly choke.
“People look at us and think we’ve got everything figured out just because we look like we’re doing well for ourselves. But they don’t see what we’ve overcome and how much effort it took us to get here, do they?”
You shake your head. “No, I suppose they don’t.”
“Sometimes I think living in delusion gives us hope. We can imagine what it feels like to have a big family or to live a life without stressing out about the past and try to imagine that for ourselves. I’ve never met anyone who’s thought that way.”
“I’m too scared to depend on people,” you admit. “I think it’s really hard to trust people fully. But I want to and I so badly wish I could be the type of person to trust freely. I think I might be a little too careful with my heart, or something. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Although, I’m sorry about your childhood being rough. I can kind of relate to that. I was born here, actually and my family relocated to Brisbane for my dad’s work and it took me a long time to learn English. Everyone made fun of me for that. I’m pretty sure my classmates were laughing behind my back.”
“I’m sorry, Jake. That’s horrible.”
“Nah, what’s past is past. I can see why Christmas is your favorite holiday now.”
Your other friends text you both in the group chat after the ride. Sunghoon is ready to go on more rollercoasters, but you and Jake decide that it’s time for some food and drinks after he hears your stomach grumbling. You’re more than surprised when Jake tells you he’ll pay for everything, going so far as to snatch your wallet out of his hands so he could hand the cashier his card instead. Jake sees you blushing every single time and never fails to bring it up, making you even more flustered. You give up and he keeps smiling triumphantly.
“Do you want to get something warm and look around the shops?” Jake asks once he’s returned from throwing the dirty plates.
“I could go for something chocolate-y.”
There’s a stall not too far away. Jake orders first and before you’re able to get a word in, he orders a hot peppermint mocha with whipped cream.
“You said you were craving it on the way here,” he explains. Meanwhile, you’re too stunned to answer him.
“I think I’ve made you speechless multiple times today.”
You scoff and look away from him. “You just like being mean to me.”
“Mm, I can’t say that I don’t.” You laugh because this is all so unserious, and because Jake keeps smiling at you like he never wants to look anywhere else.
“I guess opening up to you wasn’t so bad.” A single sip of your peppermint mocha tastes like absolute heaven. “Sorry for dumping a bunch of shit on you.”
“There’s no need to apologize. I’m the one who asked. I like that you don’t see the world in black and white. There’s so much people miss because they’re too narrow-minded. It’s hard for me to find people I actually like because everyone’s either way too shallow or way too contrarian.”
“I wouldn’t say I don’t have any friends, but it’s so hard to find people who aren't pretending to be someone they’re not.”
“I totally get it. Heeseung and everyone else is like a breath of fresh air. My old roommate is one of those social climbing influencer types. Not my speed at all.”
“It’s super rare that I click with people. Heeseung was kind of fast. He was so persistent in the first month and I knew nothing I did could shake him off.”
Jake laughs. “He’s annoying like that, isn’t he?”
“The worst.”
“I’m the same way, too. I’d say I know lots of people but I think I could count my best friends on one hand. I’m not complaining. I just think about how many people I consider an acquaintance.”
“Sometimes it feels hopeless to make new friends when all of them are gonna leave anyway. I don’t remember the last time I felt something click.”
“We’re doing just fine, aren’t we?”
Jake surprises you with that question.
“Yes,” you say in a tone softer than you intended, “we are.”
***
You don’t get to see anybody for the next two weeks because work makes you feel like you’re drowning. Between your full time job and trying to finish everybody’s presents in time, you hardly have the capacity to see your friends. Heeseung and Jake are hosting a Christmas party since most of your group and their significant others are staying in town. And while you pride yourself as somebody who plans and budgets gifts ahead of time, Jake’s present is still unfinished.
A large scarf has been sitting on your couch for two months now. Ever since Jake started complaining about how cold the weather is back in mid-October, you picked up soft yarn in his favorite color and started crocheting him a scarf that you hope looks professional and wearable. You’ve been hunched over the project and turn Netflix on in the background to distract yourself as you crochet.
In the meantime, Jake texts you more often than before. Feeling like you embarrassed yourself by opening up too much was all for nothing because Jake texts you throughout the day and it’s never about anything that’s inherently important. He saw a video on TikTok that reminded him of you? He’d download or screen record the video and send it to you because you refuse to get on that demonic app. He just ate lunch? Jake sends you a picture of the meal beforehand. He stopped by a novelty store to find a present for his cousin who’s visiting town? He texts you a picture of a small hedgehog and Snoopy figurine where they’re both wearing Santa hats and buys it for you.
They’re such small gestures and yet they mean so much.
You haven’t had the time to think about why he’s been reaching out to you more often than not. Work keeps you busy, as does the homemade scarf, but in the back of your mind, you feel as though you’re going crazy when you start to wonder if Jake might feel the same way as you. But that’s crazy, right? How could someone like him be into someone like you? Heeseung always tells you to stop doubting yourself and to be more confident. And you are, to a certain extent, but Jake is the definition of the boy-next-door and you feel like the secondary character who was never meant to be picked.
Even still, Jake makes an effort to call you as you’re winding down for the night and ask you about your day. He tells you that he wants to hear everything with no detail unsaid. You ask him about his day too, and he manages to make a monologue out of everything, even the most minute details. Jake makes you laugh in ways you’ve never laughed before and these phone calls are starting to feel like the two of you have been building a routine. You know that if it were to stop, part of you would feel very empty for a while.
You carry a few bags with presents and Jay helps you put them by the Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. Everybody greets you and you act as secondary host when Heeseung asks for help passing out homemade eggnog. He spikes it with an incredible amount of bourbon and cognac, and even though you pride yourself in holding your liquor, you’re pretty sure you’ll be tipsy by the first drink.
Jake looks so beautiful in dark wash jeans and a t-shirt. It’s hard not to stare at him or the way his hair looks perfectly sat atop of his head. He immediately sought you out once heard your voice from the hallway and hasn’t left your side since you arrived. You can feel his body heat the entire time. Sunghoon and his girlfriend keep making weird faces at you throughout the night and you have half a mind to ask them what their problem is, but Jake always pulls you out of your stupor and back into the conversation.
When everybody is tipsy and barely able to speak without laughing, Jake pulls the entire group together to open the gifts. Heeseung gives an incredibly corny speech about how the meaning of Christmas is love and friendship, and Jay threatens to puke in the bowl of eggnog if he doesn’t stop.
One by one, everybody opens their gifts. There’s a lot of oh’s and ah’s from the collective group because, somehow, everybody has given thoughtful gifts that don’t feel cheap or half assed. Heeseung receives a small scrapbook filled with photos and memories from your friendship with him (he swore he wasn’t crying but you knew better than to believe him). Jay received a custom notebook for him to use for writing songs because he’s been looking for the perfect one. Sunghoon received a month’s worth of new rolls of film. And everyone gets individualized gifts and presents because you love these people more than you love yourself.
When it’s time for Jake to open your present, you’re too anxious to hear the paper ripping. He pulls out your handmade scarf and holds it in front of him to admire the stitching.
“Did you make this?”
“Yes. I crocheted it every day after work for two months, I think?”
“This looks unreal. It’s so beautiful.”
“I didn’t know what to get you at first,” you admit sheepishly. “I know you’re not used to the cold even after all this time, so I wanted to make you something to keep you warm. I’m…also hoping that we'll get to know each other more so I can get you something you’ll really love.”
He puts the scarf in his lap and shakes his head. “This was perfect. I’m so touched that you thought about me. You made this!”
“Fuck, this is so warm,” Sunghoon says, touching the fabric until Jake swats his hand away.
He gives you your gift next and everyone watches you open a small box to reveal a silver charm bracelet with a single Christmas ornament on it. For once, Jake looks like he’s trying not to blush.
“I was trying to think of the perfect gift because I don’t think anything I get you could be enough since you love Christmas, and all. I was with my cousins and thought of you when I saw it. I didn’t know whether I should deck it out in charms but saw the ornament and remembered that you buy a new one every year to add to your collection. I thought you’d like it.”
“Are you kidding?!” you exclaim as Heeseung peers over your shoulder to look at it. “This is perfect, Jake. This is so thoughtful and I’m touched that you remembered.”
The next round of presents comes and goes. Everybody is far too drunk to function, so Jay turns the stereo back on and everybody goes back to talking and stuffing their faces with cookies. It isn’t until Jake asks if he can talk to you in private, and until Heeseung practically forces the two of you into the kitchen that you follow him.
“I haven’t been totally honest with you and it’s been eating me alive,” Jake says as he turns to look at you.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been keeping a secret from you for a long time and I think it’s time I come clean. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I kept this up after tonight?”
“Should I be worried?”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s nothing serious, but I don’t like keeping things from you.”
A million thoughts run across your mind. Is he moving away from Korea? Does he have to go back to Australia? Was he lying about liking the scarf you made him?
And, well, nothing quite compares to what he tells you next.
“I love Christmas,” Jake blurts out. “I love the holidays and I’ve never hated Christmas. I lied because I didn’t know how else to talk to you.”
“I….I don’t understand.”
He rubs the back of his neck and looks at the floor before looking back up to you. “When we first met back at the housewarming party, I felt like the room had slowed down or some cheesy shit like that. I was tongue tied. You looked so beautiful that night and I thought I fucked it all up because I never asked for your number and thought it would be weird to ask Heeseung for it. But he found out I thought you were cute and started dropping hints about how much you love Christmas. I didn’t get what he was trying to say until the time he told you I hated it.”
Jake says it all in one breath and you think he might choke.
“So you lied about liking Christmas because you liked me…?”
“When you say it like that, it seems kind of stupid, doesn’t it?” Jake says with a laugh. “I wanted to get to know you but didn’t know how. Heeseung said it was better this way and kept suggesting I let you try to convince me how great of a holiday it was. It didn’t go according to his plan since we were both busy with work. But he kept trying to separate us from the group at the carnival so I could make a move.”
You choke on your cocktail. “Make a move?”
“I feel like I’m making you uncomfortable," he says quickly, eyes darting around the kitchen. “I’m so sorry for lying to you. I never meant to hurt you, I’m just very awkward around pretty girls.”
“Okay, three things.” Jake closes his mouth and nods. “Firstly, Heeseung is a stupid idiot and you should’ve just asked him for my number. Secondly, you need to learn that trusting him when it comes to romance is never a good idea because his girlfriend is his gaming console.”
“And the third?”
You bite your lip and look away for just a second. Fuck it.
"I think you’re really pretty too.”
Jake opens his mouth, closes it, and repeats this process again.
“You think I’m pretty…”
“Yeah,” you say with a laugh. “So much so that I’ve also had this stupid crush on you since we met.”
“Hey, love birds,” Heeseung interrupts from the threshold of the kitchen. “Look up. Didn’t you notice the mistletoe I put up there?”
When you and Jake look towards the ceiling, a green mistletoe is haphazardly hanging from string taped to the wall above. Your best friend grins at both of you before he disappears around the corner and the only thing left is two heartbeats that, somehow, are starting to beat as one.
“Merry Christmas,” Jake whispers as his eyes flicker down to your lips.
He pushes his mouth against your own softly like he’s testing the waters until he feels you push back. Kissing him feels so right. Jake’s lips feel like an overbearing weight has been lifted off of your shoulders with every push and pull. His hands keep you caged in front of him with his palms on your waist as he moves you until your back hits the counter behind you. Jake’s kiss is nothing short of breathtaking. The wind has been effectively knocked out of your lungs and the world might as well be nonexistent with the way he kisses you.
When he does eventually pull away, Jake pushes his forehead onto your own and intertwines both of his hands with yours as if he’s afraid you’re a figment of his imagination who might slip away if he lets go.
“I’m going to ask you to be my girlfriend tomorrow,” he says as you both catch your breaths.
“Why tomorrow?”
“I’ll let you have Christmas. But the twenty-sixth is all about us. I’m selfish when it comes to you”
Jake gives you a short, sweet kiss while you smile through it.
“Tomorrow it is.”
And when you two walk out hand in hand, everybody smiles.
I have never been so properly perceived in my life I am actually sobbing hysterically. This is the cutest most perfect Christmas present ever. I love u so so so bad. Chat you don’t even KNOW you don’t even kNOW THE DETAILS THAT ARE INLAID IN THIS AND U NEVER WILL.
Im gonna reread this every day until i can recite it drunk off coquito and spiked peppermint mochas. I love you.
