It has been 10 years- a whole decade of when i was completely obsessed with Tumblr and i lived a different life. Nobody is probably going to read this but just as my old self; I would come on here after a long day at school to relax and de-compress, i am here to do the same and self reflect.
Today, I just randomly thought to go ahead and hop onto this old account of mines. Sure i last logged on about 2 or 3 years ago but it was most to sit in my sadness. I reposted a few sad posts and connected to those posts and would eventually log off and not sign back on. It felt "good" as it did back in 2014.
The thing is, life not only is different but i myself am a different person. I'm no longer that 16 or 17 year old depressed girl that came to Tumblr to release my anger, sadness and sorrow. I even had a "back-up" account that was simply all Depression and Self Harm related. I just finished going through that entire account and went back on some venting post I did. It was honestly very triggering to see those photos of me from back then when i would self-harm and pop pills to escape. Reliving those moments made me very sad.
I wish i could go back and hug that girl. I read on how i "loved" and was so "heartbroken" on some 3 year relationship that honestly was so freaking toxic. That BOY did not love me. He didn't care for me and i would cry in agony in pain. I was so sad and depressed. i felt like he was my everything. I'm shedding tears in this moment because I am just so sad and want to hug my old self. Younger me didn't deserve any of that - and i know back then my friends would tell me he wasn't good, or a good influence for me. When you're young and "in love" y7ou don't see any of that Even if you do, you wont admit it or try and turn away from it because you see the "good". Just because you see some good, doesn't mean they are good for you.
I wish i could go back and hug my younger self. I wish i could keep those razors away from me. I wish i could sit and listen to my younger self. I wish i could let her know of all the greatness that is so come to her life 5-10 years ahead. I wish I could stop her from popping pills to get high and escape and knock out. I wish i could stop her for trying to overdose and attempt suicide on July 12th 2013. I felt like my world was crashing around me. I had no care or motivation for my high school education, i was having so many family problems, i got re-triggered from sexual abuser and the only thing that i felt like i had control over was cheating on me and leaving me. I'm sure i wasnt perfect either- i mean i was probably ALOT of baggage for someone too. But i was only just a girl. A troubled teen. I didn't want to live like that, but my mind was so twisted i began to believe it. I started to believe that i "deserved" to be treated this way and felt the things i had felt. I was broken.
There is a lot of things i wish i could have done but there is nothing i could do on that now. Although things eventually got better.. in a way they had to get worse. I was proud of myself because i stopped self harming myself with cutting- but i went on a very dark and sad road of other forms of self harm. Pills were a big part of that and other self harms that i wont say because to this day- 10 years later im ashamed i stooped down to that level. But i didn't love myself.
It sucks to say but my "love" back then really fucked me up. For months and for years- i had yearned for this hope of us working things out and getting back together. I laugh at it now because he is NOTHING to me anymore. I'm so happy that i overcame that part of my life. That's where my now husband comes in- he was a light for my dark life. Man, i gotta give it to him, he dealt with a lot of my trauma and helped me. I had to learn to actually talk through my feelings vs running to tumblr and just drowning in my pain and thoughts and subminally posting about it and hoping for the best. I had to learn to grow up, be a big girl. Tackle what's bothering me. It wasn't easy, but i got through it. Eventually forgetting all tumblr and my old bad habits.
In the past 10 years, i have gotten over what i would consider a Pill Problem, getting high, working hard on my mental health, getting rid of my Panic Attacks, processing my sexual & broken relationship trauma. I moved out of my shitty home town, i got a new job, new apartment and 2 amazing doggies and a great husband.
10 years later, i am the happiest i have ever been. I just wish i could go back and let my younger self know that the pain won't last forever. I would overcome any and all obstacles that would come along my way. Most of all, i just wished to have just held her- because what she needed was to feel love.
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