Morella

I go by Morella | 22 | 🥀 I’ve created this space to document myself I’m struggling so TWs apply ❤️‍🩹

[morbidkuriosity9]

I’ll finally be alone tomorrow!!! 24 hour fast starts now! ⭐️🪽

Update 16hr in: I’m fully locked in, I walked 3 miles and have lost a pound already (which was probably water/bloating weight)

[morbidkuriosity9]

Week VI 🍫

My bf cooked a lot this week, I’m very grateful and he makes very yummy food. I ate small portions but I think I miscalculated calories because I maintained weight. I did have one bad day as well and ate some chocolate mouse with him.

Im going to lower my daily intake to a max of 1200 cls with a target range of 800-1000. I personally keep it flexible because my schedule is a bit chaotic and sometimes it’s hard to plan meals/food in advance. My past 3 days have been 1190, 1080 and 620 (so far).

[morbidkuriosity9]

May my thigh gap grow and the rest of me shrink!

[morbidkuriosity9]

Week V Diary

TW for ËĎ, Numbers/Tracking

I get anxious whenever I can’t count calories. Ive started to write down what I eat/calories in my notes apps and look at it every time I want to eat.

I’ve done the math several times over to see how many I need to maintained this CW, and my GW. So far I haven’t gone over the daily maintenance for my GW, that is my top priority.

I get hungry but have no appetite.

I get overwhelmed by food choices.

I get dizzy when I stand too fast and I step on the scale at least 5 times a day just to see how the numbers fluctuate.

I’m finding control and progress in the numbers.

This week I’ve been on antibiotics and needed to eat with them so it was a higher calorie week. I still managed to loose a pound which puts me at -14 in 5 weeks.

I should be proud of this but I can’t help feeling like it’s too little, too slow. Sometimes I think I see a difference in my body but I just as easily think it’s a trick of the mind and I don’t look any different yet.

The honeymoon phase is waning and I’m not quite sure what this new phase is called… maybe ‘The Diet Plan’ phase? I have a method and I know it’s working and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it going.

[morbidkuriosity9]

And for diner, the lady will have a mango 🥭 (and a beer but let’s not talk about that it’s been a long 36 hr work weekend)

[morbidkuriosity9]

Week IV

My bf took 3 days off work and every day ordered takeout :/ I’m slowly trying to get him to stop without raising any concern.

He got us Dunkin’ Donuts one morning and got me a sausage egg and cheese AND a bagel with cream cheese wtf? He’s my biggest challenge rn and it sucks,

I’ve been cutting corners just enough to loose one more pound but in a weird way it almost feel like I’ve gained because I know I could have lost more. But I will keep trying and I will be th1n

[morbidkuriosity9]

And suddenly one more pound drops off the scale and everything is ok again 💋

[morbidkuriosity9]

Week III

It’s been a hard week, I’ve been in a lot of social situations with food so most days have been 1ooo-15oo cl. I’ve also been in an intense heatwave so I couldn’t go for a lot of walks or workout much without feeling faint.

The bright side is that I get very full very quickly now. My fasting times are getting longer. My longest fast so far was 20 hours (stopped unintentional) and I’ll have more opportunities next week to lock in.

I’ve lost just 1 lb which I guess is better than nothing. I think my goal for July is to loose 6-8 lbs.

[morbidkuriosity9]

Today I was in lots of social situations where I needed to eat at work and with my bf. I have the next three days off work so I will be starting my first fast with the only goal to see how far I can go. Wish me luck✨

[morbidkuriosity9]

So stressed all I want to do is control my food and obsess over my body

[morbidkuriosity9]

159

Still big. Still lots to go.

But a very important weıghť for me. I’ve been stuck in the 161-169 range for a least a year now and it’s really been bothering me deep down although I tried to ignore it.

I started to feel like I would never see a break. I would get to 161 sometimes but somehow, (Ik exactly how) I would always shoot back up. It’s felt bad. Having a 10lbweight fluctuation consistently is not normal- I see that now. I see how I’ve been b1ng£ing without realizing it.

Now that I’ve gained control and locked in, I’ve finally broken that first barrier. It’s very motivating for me. I know I have a long way to go but I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there.

[morbidkuriosity9]

Week II

I’ve lost 9lbs so far. Mostly water weight I think. My daily intake has been between 5oo -15oo cl and Ive been walking 2-5 miles a day with a few light workouts as well.

It’s been a pretty stressful week personally so the f00d noise has been loud but I’ve managed to keep control. I’ve been watching a lot of video essays on the topic here and I’ve made some Pinterest boards too.

I feel pretty good still, I get hunġėr pains but it doesn’t really bother me too much. I’ve noticed the tiniest thighgaaap and that’s been my biggest source of motivation so far. I’m ready to be sk111nniyyy 🧛🏻‍♀️

[morbidkuriosity9]

I skipped dinner and dyed my hair black 🖤

The desire to be th!n with long black hair >>>>>

[morbidkuriosity9]

Week I TW

I’ve started small, skipping meals where no one looks, declining the gluttonous sweet treats offered at work and drinking lots of water. I feel good, better than I have in a while. How long this feeling will last I cannot say, but so far I’m having fun. 🥀

The main struggle is when I’m with my boyfriend. He loves me and wouldn’t tolerate this behavior so it must be hidden. We live together so I’m still thinking and planing ways to hide this from him💔❤️‍🩹

[morbidkuriosity9]

The Trigger:

I use to be a lot happier with myself. But to be honest, cracks have been breaking into my skin for a long time now. In recent weeks, my cloth began to feel tighter and tighter. I looked in the mirror, finally seeing the weight I’ve put on- close to 30lbs.

I know how this happened. Changing jobs, apartments, a boyfriend, struggling in my first mature relationship, struggling with ADHD, anxiety/depression silently following in the background of every day. It’s piled up and I lost control.

A panic. A compulsion. I’ve quickly created this shadow to keep me company in my struggle. A secret friend I treasure. And treasures are best kept in secret.