20s was for the overzealous @morespinethanrib - Tumblr Blog

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This corner of the universe has been my refuge and I think it’s an appropriate time to take stock. The external factors of life that I can’t control as well as the vices I allow to consume me have definitely provided a level of stress that I can either ignore or process. The way I choose to move is a choice and I know these constraints will force me to find the right direction. In contrast, there’s a level of clarity within my career trajectory that I could’ve only prayed for. Challenges are stimulating, especially when they play to your best strengths.

I’ve had several moments of frustration because I haven’t had time to step away from life’s chaos and see it from a 10,000 ft view. Instinctually, I know when I need solitude to clearly reflect. Maybe this point in time won’t allow it because there’s something I need to understand, experience, or feel, with others. Emotional nuance is running high and it’s been extremely difficult to parse. Love and boundaries go hand-in-hand.

It’s the level of faith you have in yourself that will help you find your way. There are external forces that are out of my control and there are times that I don’t have the energy to reciprocate to others. I’m learning not to be hard on myself because this present iteration of me is the most genuine I’ve felt. Perhaps this is what I’ve been yearning for, but couldn’t place my finger on it. I can sit with myself at the end of the night without lingering thoughts of dread.

The past couple of months have felt new yet confusing, painful but hopeful. I’ve been able to remove myself from situations that brought unnecessary worry and self-doubt that I can finally have some clarity into what peace, confidence, and love in myself look like. There’s no need to mute my feelings, even though sometimes it feels uncomfortable. What is happening around me feels reasonable, although sometimes it may not make sense. I’ll take it.

Maybe I just had to finish the Sailor Moon Sailor Stars series to help me process where I’m at.

The luxury of option

Selfishness has been the counterbalance for the series of events that have occurred in the last month and a half. The factors that I've been able to control are small moves that I've made in the early hours of the night. The difference, I've learned, is that I'm no longer exerting myself incessantly to get where I need to go next. It's a relief. There's a confidence I've found in my personal brand that's rid of superfluousness and most importantly, impostor syndrome.

The opportunity to work from different locations has only validated that I'm an urbanite, so we're finding ways of keeping it that way.

In southern fashion

I've been in a state of derealization since we came back from Portland. Suddenly, I've wound up in Fayetteville with in Airbnb setup oddly reminiscent of when I was four. Here, the heat is coated in humidity and the expansive landscape is lush. How I got here was rushed chaos, but existing here has brought an eerie calmness. Maybe it's my familiarity with the soothing buzz of cicadas.

It's been a complicated trip. Today, I was inundated by multisyllabic medical jargon. Yesterday, I felt captive in a car with my parents as I contributed my two cents about not enabling detrimental habits. I've done my best to be selfless and remember that presence is the best I can provide in this moment. I feel uneasy and worried - there's some things I didn't realize I had to unpack.

anodetoforever

morespinethanrib

Ideally how I’d like my brain to sort itself, but alas.

In all sincerity

The emotional backup I'm feeling is overwhelming. Over the past week, I've spent most of my time with Gabe. The moments have been simple, but intimate in that the level of care and attention I've been giving is something that I had yet to fully reciprocate. It was humbling. That said, the past few days gave me a moment to pause.

At present, despite current circumstances, I have a lead for reaching a potential crossroad. I've learned not to put all my eggs in one basket, but moments like these force me to reevaluate my level of confidence in myself, gut check where I'm at, and consider in the long-term where I want to go and who I want to be. In the past, I've relied heavily on intellect to prove my worth in professional settings; academic credentials were my way of bolstering that. Currently, none of this really matters. Instead, common sense and sound judgment positively correlate with the KPIs I'm accountable for and I'm doing great. So, what have I been missing?

This past year, I've learned that I'm not missing anything. I've had it all along: empathy. Working at a managerial level for the first time, it's one of the most underrated leadership qualities and yet it's a basic human skill that most are not well-versed at. There have been numerous circumstances that have felt uncomfortable, but I've literally practiced for this in a professional capacity with UXR. Some things just don't make sense when you're able to see through the BS. However, when you're able to resolve things, it's a great way to reestablish the baseline.

For now, we'll continue to lead with empathy; it's worked well thus far.

I don’t remember the last time I took a vacation. The luxury of unlimited paid time off is now just a memory; it’s also a comedic reminiscence for my previous work colleagues. In a past life, I would be traveling elsewhere every month—gone for at least 3-4 days at a time. Now, I’m no stranger to handling an open to close when it’s called for, or observing others’ temperaments and course correcting if necessary. It’s like clockwork.

While I do think I should intentionally find time to unplug, I’m not burnt out. I’ve gotten better at making the most of my days off—I’m a 6-wk baby in my pole journey, I’m a house veggie when I don’t want to do anything productive, I’m an explorer on public transpo when I want to be bc going around The Bay on my own time is its own adventure. The level of guilt “running errands” when I was WFH was so irrational that I made up my time staring at my laptop in the late hours with a 7/10 level of anxiety and existential dread. Now, I just have brief moments of existential dread when I’m on the floor and the traffic is nonexistent. The difference is my level of purpose and I feel myself creating that meaning.

It’s been one year since this whole 180. I’ve been practicing my intuition on another level and focusing on hitting the nail on the head. In this context, it’s been a stimulating exercise in problem-solving both personally and professionally. More recently, I’ve observed a lot of “no rhyme or reason” situations and I’ve spent a good amount of time considering the “how,” “why,” and most especially, “what can I do to solve this issue?” The difference I’m experiencing is the manner in which I react, how I might collaborate with others, and the level at which I execute paired with the timeliness of said execution. There’s no time for a Slack message with bullets; it’s A-B-C.

I’m definitely in the trenches, but there’s something honorable about that. In the meantime, I’ve been making the most of growing into my own.

The writing is on the wall

It's been a gradual series of "it's not a goodbye, it's a see you later" the past couple of weeks. Although it's bittersweet, I've learned that the relationships that grow organically and are cultivated reciprocally over time are the ones that will withstand the test of time. I've been in an uncomfortable place wavering between whether I should go back to tech or stay the path that I'm on, but the one thing that constantly reminds me that I'm in the right place are the people I've met in this current chapter of my life. It's different though, in the sense that I'm able to provide a ray of light in a place filled with ambiguity. I've experienced an unnecessary amount of irrational anxiety that's helped me navigate my next steps - and I find myself reminding others that it's about assessing your worth, what you want out of your experience, and where you want to go next.

There's also been a lot of "closed mouths don't get fed" moments. In times of uncertainty, there's the opportunity for excessive rumination that you may easily give into. There's a sense of entitlement for what you think you deserve, an idea of what you think things might turn out to be, and how you think circumstances will make you feel. However, there's an infinite number of hypotheticals and a high chance of misalignment between your expectations vs. reality when you don't speak up for what you want or need. No question is a dumb question; it's foolish if you don't take the time to ask. Shoot your shot because time is of the essence.

If there's anything I've learned in the last few months, it's that I've found purpose in supporting others and helping them see themselves through. It's a beautiful experience to see others grow confident in themselves, be assertive in their convictions, and be able to articulate that to others. Some days, it's difficult for me to feel like I made the right choice at my most recent crossroad. But my heart and intuition will always remind me that there's always a Plan.

There's a push and pull to tolerance

Energy well spent is not letting others get under your skin

I'll continue doing what I'm doing until I get my "no"

Life's tradeoffs be crazy sometimes

Antidepressants made it hard for me to cry, but I still feel like I'm experiencing emotional blunting

This morning’s weather was a cold and rainy mess. I overcompensated with a rain repellent Dior skirt and Gucci platforms. NYC taught me to invest in long coats, which was the full assist when I scurried across Market St to grab some caffeine before opening. I’m usually hesitant to take my coat off in the store when I’m street level, but I gave it a whirl the first half of the day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stand it since my fingers were getting numb and I had to put my gloves on after break.

I don’t remember the first time I opened the store, but it was nice to be off before closing. My feet were tired, though. I didn’t want to walk down to Bart and force myself to be alert in a humid train car that reeked of SF streets and damp commuters. I took an Uber home instead. The ride took a lot longer, but the observations of the city by car forced me to gaze into the windows of these tall office buildings I used to toil in. Aesthetically modern and aspirational? Yes. Fun being at work after hours and feel guilty about leaving early even when the sun has already said its goodbye? No. I prefer a hard stop.

There’s a lot for me to unpack about my previous reality because the level of expectation was so high. The therapy situation is another story, but there’s all this time to comfortably chunk my reflections which I’ve never had the opportunity to do before. This morning’s Uber to work, I specifically thought of one morning when my dad would speed me through getting ready for school before he dropped me off and headed to work. I was so flustered about getting out of the house and into the car that I forgot to bring my shoes; I usually didn’t have time to put them on, so I’d grab them and figure them out in the car. By the time I arrived to school, I realized I forgot my shoes. He was so pissed because we had to drive back home and get my shoes.

I never knew if he was late that day, but I hated feeling that guilt and anxiety. This is what I’m working on unlearning.

I got into The City about an hour early before work. I decided to grab coffee and a bite before heading to the store. It was an appropriate morning to unwind with myself, so I posted at my usual spot. The mornings are the only time I feel present catching up with loved ones, despite the conversations being dragged out after several hours or a few days after the initial message. I texted David.

It turned into a pleasant impromptu FaceTime that couldn’t be replicated via texting. We set the parameters for a 20-30 minute catch up session. After almost 20 years of friendship and our last FaceTime in April, our turn taking is still impeccable and our manner of articulation is still predictable. We haven’t changed, but life has us on parallel journeys. Lifelong friendships provide distinct perspectives on the range of time you’ve known one another and it’s a beautiful thing to reciprocate celebrating wins, commending the moves made, and encouraging the other to continue forward with grace.

Today’s enrichment was a reiteration of softness. The level of vulnerability it takes to acknowledge, process, and recondition oneself requires a significant amount of effort. If you’re willing to try, the more likely you’ll understand your meaning of a beautiful struggle. The right people will remind you of your worth when you’re tired and uncertain. They’re the ones that know you well; you feel safe. You know they’re your people when they feel like home—even when they’re hundreds of miles away.

A dry run for Black Friday.

After a chaotic couple of days back, all I want to do is go home and shut up. Sale season is certainly a test of patience. The true test of good moral character is returning all the items one has tried on in the fitting room back to our team. Yes, I like comparing this to the state of humanity and my verdict is that the state is pretty savage. Fascinating, but not surprising.

I’m off tomorrow and Thanksgiving. I’m glad working on Black Friday is the most daunting thing I’ll have to deal with for the remainder of this year. For now, I’m looking forward to fixing my nails because I’ve been running around with 3 broken ones.

Therapy sometimes leaves you unresolved, but psychodynamics was an interest development we explored

I'm not on the mend quite yet - still experiencing chills, body aches, and congestion; menstruation is the icing on the cake here

Staying the course initially makes me feel complacent, but it's about seeing the process through

Gus has been by my side since I've been horizontal the past couple of days; this has been extremely comforting

I find it difficult to visualize myself in the next 10-15 years; I couldn't do that when I was 21

Delay in the system

It's been almost a month since I've been off antidepressants. In the past week or so, the intensity of my feelings have gradually reintroduced themselves. There's some familiarity of what I've previously thought to feel, but there's also some confusion in drawing connections between, for example, my new work context and my understanding of happiness. I'm not second-guessing my decision to depart from my tech job, but I'm emotionally processing the closure I hadn't fully given to this chapter of my life. For the past year and a half, I've experienced things from behind a translucent film.

I no longer operate on the level of high-functioning anxiety, rather just high function. I've been quick to assess and draw boundaries in regards to what is strictly work and how I choose to spend my free time. In a previous iteration of myself, I'd be exhausted by 2pm working from home, even if I chose to ran errands in between meetings. Now, I'm able to wake up at 8am and choose to do 3 things I need to get done, caffeinate, then continue about my day. The level of energy I have, without a blanket of guilt, is amazing.

In this moment, I've been experiencing a significant amount of nuance in the feelings I've felt. That's the thing about feelings - they aren't black and white; rather, they come in shades. In preparation for the amount of film I need to peel back from the antidepressants, I've gone back to therapy. I'm in a better mental space to process from a 30,000 foot view, but I'm bracing myself for the decisions I'll need to make in order to honor my truth. This is where I'm giving myself grace.

After all the healthcare hoops, I booked a therapy appointment after 1.5 years. I’m relieved and anxious, but I’m ready to put in the work. This chapter will be interesting.

It’s a bit scary to let myself feel more, but at least I’m not diving off the deep end like I’ve usually done. I’m in a better place mentally and physically, so I feel safe to put my feelers out. While I can say the circumstances could be better, there's no reason to give myself a compliment sandwich—I just need to take the compliment and indulge in this moment. I don't miss how antidepressants feel. I loved that they prevented my panic attacks, but to 'know' you're feeling something and not being able to fully process it emotionally, i.e, cry when I need to cry, makes me feel less human. Addressing mental health is complicated.

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20s was for the overzealous